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DAILYNEBRASKAN.COM
LETTER FROM THE NEW EDITORS
THE ODYSSEY ONLINE IRL By Cornell Libertarian and Chet Heinous Sorry Daily Nebraskan/DailyER reader, if you thought you were getting your usual news you’re gonna have a bad day. Let’s face it, traditional print is dead. No one’s gonna pay $2.75 to read your articles at the newsstand. Today’s tweenagers and adults need lists and lists with gifs like we need President Rubio (a lot!). On April 1, 2016 we approached the two UNL student papers with a very easy offer, we could put them out of business in a year or we could save some time and do it right now. Luckily they decided to get a head start on clearing out their desks and we took over. It’s like they told me at PCB, sink or swim dude. The Odyssey chooses to swim. To say we’re juiced to provide you new Odyssey publications is a criminal understatement. This paper’s switching to a new private model based on the online paystructure that’s been providing you great, shareable articles for years. Our fleet of interns will track reader’s eyes on campus and writers will be paid if their article is one of the month’s most read. We got all sorts of great content coming your way. This issue alone has half a dozen millennials who say they aren’t supporting Bernie, Gilmore Girls gifs that recreate the thrills of Bid Day, and more open letters than you could ever hope to read.
We gotta jet dudes but hope you enjoy the new, sustainable UNL paper. After all, It’s not like
you have a choice.
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NEWS
FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2016
MONDAY, AUGUST 10, 2016 DAILYNEBRASKAN.COM DAILYNEBRASKAN.COM
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In testament to academic vigor, junior ‘doesn’t even study’
MADELINE CHRISTENSEN HALFASSKANER Disclaimer: This article is a part of the Daily Nebraskan and DailyER joint satirical issue, the Halfasskaner. Deep in the recesses of Love Library, Jay Wilson sits in his usual alcove. An Ultra Citron Monster energy drink in hand, the junior business major is settling down for a night in the stacks. Wilson pops open the tab of his beverage with gusto while simultaneously opening several tabs on his web browser. “What can I say?” Wilson said. “I still love RuneScape.” Between RPGs, entertaining his Twitter followers and checking up on his ex, Wilson has found college life is simply much easier when he forgoes studying. “College is all about adapting,” Wilson said. “Some people write papers, some people don’t. It’s all about finding what works for you.” To the naked eye, Wilson may come across as a normal student. Successful, even.
You may be surprised to find that he’s failing virtually all of his classes. “I’m no Superman,” he said. “I’m just a genuine, likable guy.” John Richards, Wilson’s professor for Introduction to Finance, said he’s taken his class more than three times. “It’s amazing,” Richards said. “I’ve literally never seen anything like this kid. It’s been fascinating to see him fail, time and time again. I think of him like a son.” Wilson said he made a vow to himself a long time ago that he would never stoop so low as to do his homework. “It just doesn’t make me feel good,” Wilson said. “I feel so dirty afterward. I guess you could call me stubborn, but my mom always told me I just have a strong moral compass.” Wilson has been on academic probation since his freshman year. So, what’s the secret to his success? Or rather, failure? “I don’t study,” Wilson said. It’s not always easy, though. Wilson said he admits he came close to writing a paper – once. “I had to talk myself down,” he said. “I said, ‘Jay, you’re being ridiculous.’”
Not Feeling Well?
In a world of hardworking, stressed-out college students well on their way to graduation, Wilson said he sometimes feels like an outsider. When he feels in a funk, Wilson said he likes to focus on his great personality.
“No amount of studying can teach you how to be loyal, or loving, or how to keep a nice rhythm,” he said. “I can do all of those things.”
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Nebraska Union voted nation’s fourth-best union PEGGY MORRIS HALFASSKANER Disclaimer: This article is a part of the Daily Nebraskan and DailyER joint satirical issue, the Halfasskaner. In a stunning turn of events, a review conducted by Business Insider listed University of Nebraska-Lincoln’s very own Nebraska Union as the fourth-best union in the country. It beat out several prestigious labor unions, including the Union for Operating Engineers, United Auto Workers and others. The honor comes as a surprise to many within UNL circles, as the Nebraska Union is not the type of union that protects workers rights and securities but is instead a gathering place for students to get fake Starbucks and ignore other students. The placement feels something like a clerical error – but University of Nebraska President Hank Bounds attributes the Union’s success to its placement as the main attraction of the university. “We’ve put a lot time and money into making
our union a better place, and we’re glad that people around the country are recognizing that,” Bounds said. “It goes to show that if you design an area to look like a crappier version of what people think 2050 décor would be, people will take note.” The Nebraska Union placed overall with a rating of 96 percent, just behind the Educators Association, the Federation of State, County and Municipal Employees and the Association of Letter Carriers, the latter of which irritated Bounds. “We’re placed behind the post office, really? The Nebraska Union is one of greatest sites in the world,” Bounds said. “I get teachers and government, but post officers? They suck at their jobs, am I right?” Whether intentional or not, the ranking is good press for the university, and Bounds will stop at nothing to make sure everyone knows it. “I can’t wait for a prospective student to see a promotional pamphlet of our school, and to see the words that appeal to every student: ‘Good Union,’” Bounds said. “We used to be a football school, but now we’re a union school.”
Expedition to Innovation Campus proves harrowing for student MIKE SHORO HALFASSKANER Disclaimer: This article is a part of the Daily Nebraskan and DailyER joint satirical issue, the Halfasskaner. Donning a safari hat, hiking boots and a CamelBak, junior history major Taydynn Duncan stepped on the Route 22 bus from the University of Nebraska-Lincoln’s City Campus to the Nebraska Innovation Campus, the University of Nebraska-Lincoln’s public-private research initiative. Duncan, daughter of Innovation Campus Executive Director Daniel Duncan, knew it was high time for her first visit to her father’s stomping grounds – the family reunions were getting too awkward. “I could only pretend I didn’t hear him asking me when I was coming for so long,” Duncan said. The bus driver looked at Duncan inquisitively Monday morning; Duncan was the first rider he’d had in weeks. “Make sure you have enough water,” the driver told her as she boarded. “And don’t forget snacks.” Dozens of tumbleweeds blowing across the roads delayed their trip, but upon arrival, Duncan grabbed her map and stepped off the bus. Before her voyage, she had asked around for a possible tour guide, but every student she asked replied with the same thing: “the what?” Her first stop was the Greenhouse Innovation Center. She walked up and down the aisles, drenched in the purple light from above. “They’re just plants. Who cares?” Duncan said.
Next up was the Innovation Commons. She traversed the empty pathway supposedly designed for people to walk on to the large building. Once inside, she wandered about aimlessly through the cavernous halls for hours. At one point, she thought she saw another person but quickly realized it was just a starving coyote. After finally finding a window again, she realized night had fallen. “Wow, time got away from me,” she said to literally not a single human soul. “Might as well just go home.” She tried to hail an on-call bus but no matter how many times Duncan tried, nobody arrived. The Halfasskener later caught up with one of the bus drivers for Route 22, Linda Martingale. “Yeah, after months of nothing but empty buses, I just thought, ‘fuck it, I’m going bowling,’” said Martingale, who proudly reported an average score of 112. Duncan decided to call a cab. Despite having the nation’s No. 1 service provider, Verizon™, Duncan struggled to find service to call a taxi. After finally getting a single bar, she got ahold of a dispatcher. However, after nearly an hour of searching for Innovation Campus, the driver gave up. She then tried her father, the executive director, but he, too, couldn’t find the campus. “Screw that,” he said. “How am I supposed to know where it is?” At 3:24 a.m., Duncan – resigned to the fact nobody could give her a ride – looked to the stars and used them to navigate back to the Robert E. Knoll Residential Center, arriving at her room at 9:30 a.m. “What a colossal waste of time and money,” Duncan said.
PHOTO BY ZACH HENKE | DN
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Hartman keeps pocket DailyER inside pocket Constitution JOE BURROWS HALFASSKANER POLITICAL CORRESPONDENT Editor ’s note: This article is a part of the Daily Nebraskan and DailyER joint satirical issue, the HalfasskanER. Recently elected Association of Students of the University of Nebraska President Spencer Hartman spoke early and often about fanning the flames burning within students, as well as turning their fiery passions into raging infernos. And although Hartman had a few run-ins with student publications in the 2014-15 school year, he has apparently developed a passion for satirical news publications. Sources close to Hartman have revealed to the HalfasskanER that Hartman’s prized pocket Constitution might not be all that it seems. Hartman’s habit of carrying the document on his person at all times was mentioned often during his successful ASUN campaign. However, new information suggests this is nothing but a sham. “Oh, Spence really does love the Constitution, don’t get me wrong,” our anonymous source said. “But, lately, he’s developed a taste for low-brow, pandering bullshit.” The source went on to describe Hartman’s new fetish of tucking copies of the DailyER into his once sacred historical document. “It’s almost like the weird kid who cuts out the pictures from nudie mags and puts them in his textbooks.” They continued to paint a picture of Hartman’s private life, describing the “shrine” of old DailyER’s Hartman stores in his linen closet. Another unnamed source described the origin of Hartman’s new obsession. “He absolutely cracked up at the article about the bee attack,” they described. “He always had a thing for bee humor, and it finally broke through his anti-satire shell.” However, not every student shares Hart-
man’s enthusiasm. “I just don’t think a president should be reading such garbage,” said Jill Braesch, senior culinary science major. “I mean, what if he forgets the fight song lyrics because of it?
I don’t think it’s a good idea.” Other students feel differently and think this is a good thing for the president-elect. “I’m really excited that our student body president is finally giving up his vendetta
against jokes that he doesn’t like,” senior international relations major Evan Holohan said. “I’m glad our college will be guided by the mature and steady hands of Shartman.”
Perlman announces un-retirement at ‘final Perl’ address DREW PRESTON HALFASSKANER Editor ’s note: This article is part of the Daily Nebraskan and DailyER joint satirical issue, the HalfasskanER. At his April 1 State of the University Address – his final one – Chancellor Harvey Perlman announced plans to reverse his intention to retire, which he announced last year on the same date. Instead, Perlman will continue his duties with no clear plans to step down in sight. “That was definitely a joke,” Perlman said. “This is a pretty cozy job; I think I’ll keep it. I don’t wanna give up a free parking spot downtown; that’s just too good to pass up.” Students, faculty and staff were caught off guard by Perlman’s announcement. Most in attendance expected a sort of Perlman victory lap. Instead, they were met with more years of Perlman and a to-be-determined number of Perls of Knowledge to come. “April Fool’s Day can be crazy,” sophomore economics major Jamie Meyers said. “Defi-
nitely wouldn’t have called the old man pulling a stunt like this one.” In his address, Perlman said the main reason he won’t be retiring is unfulfilled goals. “We still haven’t hit 30,000 students,” he said. “You know, I’ve got some time to spare. Let’s make it 31,000 now.” Additionally, Perlman said he is contractually forbidden to retire during a school year that the football team has a losing record. Although this is an undeniably strange clause, Perlman said it was impossible to picture the Huskers where they are now when he was hired in early 2001. Besides these two main reasons, Perlman listed off minor odds and ends he’d like to change as well, including putting a Runza on East Campus. “It’s a grave injustice that students on East Campus don’t have the same access to hot beef sandwiches that we do here,” he said. “Something has to change.” Following the address, Perlman reportedly pulled an April Fool’s joke on the three remaining finalists for his job by telling them the job they applied for does not exist. At press time, it is unclear if last year ’s announcement, this year ’s or both are a joke.
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ARTS
FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2016 DAILYNEBRASKAN.COM
What do your laptop stickers mean to you? STEPHANIE CAVAZOS STAFF WRITER Editor’s note: This article is a part of the Daily Nebraskan and DailyER joint satirical issue, the HalfasskanER.
2. *sticker of a white Vans shoe*
1. *1/4 of a Bernie ’16 sticker*
“No this is not a reference to the ‘Damn Daniel’ meme. I actually happen to just really like white Vans and just Vans in general, How come every time someone sees this they ask if I...” Chad Martin, freshman business major
“My friends didn’t have any laptop stickers, so I thought it would only be fair that they had an opportunity for some too.” Ben Femenino, junior environmental science major
3. *Trump ‘16*
4. *international symbol for furries/ animal love*
“I don’t really respect myself.” Mary Jo Clarke, sophomore family science major
“That new movie, ‘Zootopia’, changed my life.” Derrick Hanson, senior film studies and animal science major
7. *the Jesus fish*
5. *#ImWithHer* This person asked not to share personal information for safety reasons.
6. *Whole Foods sticker* “I haven’t shaved my pubes since Obama was elected.” Sarah Hunter, credit-wise-I’m-a-senior women’s and gender studies major
“‘And on the fourth day God gave us rifles so we could fight the dinosaurs. Amen.’ That’s from ‘Mean Girls,’ but it really speaks to me.” Kaitlyn Mase, sophomore psychology and English major
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Sophomore beats adversity with inspiration BEN BUCHNAT STAFF WRITER Disclaimer: This article is a part of the Daily Nebraskan and DailyER joint satirical issue, the Halfasskaner. Brock Smith has never been one to be uninspired. From the earliest parts of his childhood to present day, Smith has had only a single interest. “Since I was really young there’s only been one thing that I’ve really liked — being inspired,” Smith said. Many events have given the University of Nebraska-Lincoln sophomore inspiration, including an eventful spring break trip to California. “Seeing the waves man, it was pure beauty,” Smith said. “It just gave me so much hope and desire to do something great in the world.”
That type of inspiration is what Smith feeds on, and it’s what guides all of his actions every single day. Even little decisions made throughout the day are done with inspiration in mind. “Without inspiration, my life would have no meaning,” Smith said. However, the road hasn’t always been easy for Smith. His passion for inspiration went on a downward spiral during the second semester of his freshman year at University of Nebraska-Lincoln. “I tried to take a picture of the sunset in Omaha but I dropped my phone and it broke,” Smith said. “That was the beginning of a dark time for me.” That dark time included frequent arguments with parents over Skype and no cell phone to post artsy pictures or read motivational blog posts. Smith hit rock bottom. “My mom wouldn’t get me another iPhone after I dropped my first one,” Smith said. “Nobody should have to live like that. I felt like less of a per-
son,” Without a way to look up quotes written on a restaurant’s chalkboard, Smith felt lost and alone in the world. “My grades were slipping while I just stayed at home and watched ‘House Hunters,’ the most uninspiring show in the world,” Smith said. Friends and classmates didn’t see him for days. Smith spent most of the winter on his couch until a couple of concerned Twitter followers noticed he hadn’t retweeted any poorly-filtered images of forests in a few weeks. The followers feared the worst for Smith, who usually tweeted these images about three times a day. Smith then got a barrage of supportive Facebook messages from these passionate followers, over 300 inspirational videos ranging from amputee javelin throwers to someone throwing a basketball into a hoop from really far away. “That day I realized my passion for inspira-
tion wasn’t gone,” Smith said. “The minute that basketball landed in that hoop, it was a swish for my soul.” Another fortunate event happened that same April day — his new iPhone 6 Plus arrived in the mail. His Instagram lit up with dozens of pictures all dedicated to his passion. Smith described this as the single most pivotal moment of his entire life. Since regaining his passion for inspiration late last spring, Smith’s inspiration has not once faltered. He struggled, but it is all a distant memory now. It can be seen clearly through his social media platforms, which are consistently updated multiple times a day. Smith is still undeclared at the moment, but he hopes he can find a degree program at the University that focuses on inspiration. “I have never felt more dedicated to and motivated by inspiration,” Smith said. “It’s all I really want to do with my life.”
DN exclusive with silver tree by Andrews Hall JACOB ELLIOTT HALFASSKANER Editor’s note: This article is a part of the Daily Nebraskan and DailyER joint satirical issue, the HalfasskanER. We’ve all seen it. Outside of Andrews Hall it stands: a tree, barren and bright silver. The grass near its roots is dead or dying, and the air near it is arid and static. No squirrel is brave enough to approach the tree, and many of the students give the tree a wide berth while passing. Teachers pretend it isn’t there, averting their eyes from its metallic exterior. Since 2004, the tree has stood in eerie silence, a metal behemoth amongst wooden giants. No one has questioned it. No one has asked why. No one, until now. The Daily Nebraskan went forth to question this mysterious creature. Daily Nebraskan: So what exactly are you? A tree? Or something more? The tree remained silent. DN: Do you photosynthesize? Or do you simply breathe through aerobic respiration? The tree remained silent. DN: Well, then, could you tell me a bit about the one who brought you to the University? The famed artist, Roxy Paine? The tree shifted uncomfortably at the mention of its former caretaker. It glared angrily at the reporter, as much as a being without eyes could glare. DN: Is there any reason as to why he planted you here? Are you co-operating with any campus secret society? Or possibly with the ASUN student government? The tree growled — a sound similar to a car being revved up mixed with the screaming of a small cat. The smaller branches moved around like the legs of an insect. DN: What about your birth mother/sister? The tree you were cut from? Do you have any knowledge on that? At this, the tree thrashed, its mercury colored carapace clattered on large bulges of bright red muscle. It chittered an awful chorus, as if a thousand beetles were slowly being crushed to a pulp. A branch swung forward, knocking the hat off the interviewer in a nearly fatal move. Its roots pulsated as it tried to pull itself from the ground. A mouth appeared on the trunk of the tree. Its bark formed sharp silver teeth as rust colored sap gluttonously flowed from the opening.
PHOTO BY JAMES LIU | DN A curious student was snatched by a nearby branch. His body was torn into tiny, visceral pieces as his head was crushed like a ripe watermelon. At this point in time, the reporter retreated from the scene, quickly picking up his nearby equipment and hat. A reported three fatalities were noted from the incident. No bodies have been recovered.
The Association of Students of the University of Nebraska, the University Council, and the University Horticultural Department recommend that all students avoid the tree for the next six weeks until it settles down. Students and teachers’ who currently reside in Andrews Hall are advised to disguise themselves as books, trees or statues in order to safely travel to their classrooms.
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Five actors who aren’t Sean Penn NICK KUKLINSKI STAFF WRITER Editor’s note: This article is a part of the Daily Nebraskan and DailyER joint satirical issue, the HalfasskanER.
1.Seth Rogen: Sean Penn played a stoner in “Fast Times at Ridgemont High,” big whoop! The Rogester was a stoner in “Pineapple Express”, “Superbad,” “Knocked Up,” “The 40-Year-Old-Virgin”... Hell! Sethy Roges plays a better stoner just walking around the streets of California!
2. James Franco: The star of “127 hours” must feel pretty lucky. He only had to portray a man pinned to a rock for a few days and not a singer locked in a room with Sean “Intoxicated-Belligerent-Nutcase” Penn for a solid seven.
3. Jake Gyllenhaal: As one might observe from watching “Nightcrawler,” Jake Gyllenhaal plays a mean sociopath. This, unlike Sean Penn, is done through what those in the biz like to call good ol’ fashioned acting. Not simply “being oneself.”
5. Bill Cosby: Ha, no no, not even- not even the Penninator’s THAT bad...relatively, anyway.
4. Shia Labeouf: Even if Stevens plagiarized Daniel Clowes, Justin M. Damiano, it could have been substantially worse. For instance, he could have pretended to be a journalist, traveled down to Mexico, interviewed a world renowned drug lord and hightailed it the f*** out of there before he could help authorities locate one Mr. L. Chapo.
Local diner offers food at a price Doniel Lindsay HALFASSKANER Editor ’s note: This article is a part of the Daily Nebraskan and DailyER joint satirical issue, the HalfasskanER. Walking into Michael’s Diner, I was immediately struck by the smell of food. It was clear this was the kind of place you could get something to eat, although I only learned later on it was going to cost me several U.S. Dollars. Michael’s Diner offers a varied menu of food such as hamburgers and hot dogs. A variety of toppings were also available, ranging from ketchup to mustard, or even salt. Upon entering, I was ushered to a table and asked to sit. Uncertain of what to make of this request, I decided to do as I was told. The server left me, and I sat there alone. The next few minutes were the longest of my entire life. All around me were people eating, laughing and talking, yet I had no food to speak of. Was I supposed to go get some, or what? I felt so ashamed and alone. This was definitely a low point in my dining experience. Finally, someone came up to me with the apparent intention of giving me food, although at that moment I couldn’t be sure of her motives. She told me her name was Katie and she would be my server today. She was a woman wearing a black shirt who handed me a piece of paper with things I could order on it. The paper was laminated so that even if I spilled water on it, it would not be dam-
aged, a security that I was very grateful for during the ordering process. With that worry placed out of my mind, I ordered a Philly cheesesteak and French fries. After a few minutes my food was ready. The hunger rumbling in my belly made me so grateful for the waitress bringing me food. I smiled at her and thanked her for being my girlfriend, even if only for a few minutes. The first bite of the Philly cheesesteak was a simultaneous journey to heaven and hell. The sour taste of the meat, combined with the leathery texture, was a welcome punishment. The accompanying French fries were also food, and I ate them. There was a table of people next to me who were eating food also, but they left when they had finished. I was amazed when a waiter began picking up the glasses and plates they had left. At the end of my meal, I was surprised when the waiter gave me a small piece of paper with the amount “$12” on it. Apparently I was meant to pay this amount for the food that I had just eaten. Luckily, I had a twenty in my wallet. This transaction came as a surprise, but added to the quirky charm of this local diner. Michael’s Diner is a great option for those in the downtown area, especially for those who are hungry for food.
SPORTS
FRIDAY,AUGUST APRIL 1, MONDAY, 10,2016 2016 DAILYNEBRASKAN.COM DAILYNEBRASKAN.COM
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Huskers land key recruit in former Olympian Shawn Johnson
KEITH FINN STAFF WRITER Disclaimer: This article is a part of the Daily Nebraskan and DailyER joint satirical issue, the Halfasskaner The Nebraska football program has added a star athlete to the wide receiving corps in the 2017 recruiting class. Key recruit Shawn Johnson, former Olympic gold medalist and “Dancing With The Stars” season 8 champion, has committed to the Huskers football program as a wide receiver. Johnson turned down offers from USC, Ohio State and Alabama to join the Huskers.
“I’m excited to join the Huskers squad in 2017. I was only 16 when I won gold in Beijing, so the chance to go to college and play a whole new sport is an absolute dream of mine,” Johnson said. Johnson, who stands at an intimidating 4-foot-11-inches, will be the shortest player to ever play the position of wide receiver in college football. The self-proclaimed wide receiver has never played the position and was asked by the Daily Nebraskan about her abilities as a player. “I mean, I’ve never really played football. But, c’mon. How hard could it really be? I’m pretty sure if I can grab onto the uneven bars and medal in the Olympics, then catching a stupid little football should be a cinch,” Johnson said.
Nebraska head coach Mike Riley held a press conference to discuss the former gymnast’s commitment. “We’re excited to have such a talented athlete on our squad for the upcoming years. It was amazing to watch Shawn win the gold medal, and it will be awesome to watch her help the Huskers win the national championship,” Riley said. The press asked many questions about Johnson’s ability as a wide receiver and the actual quality of the commitment. “I’m willing to bet if Shawn can toe the line on the balance beam then she will be an asset toeing the sideline on a go route. Sure, Shawn isn’t that tall. But did you see her vault in Beijing? She’s got the hops to beat any defender out
there,” Riley added. The press also brought up questions regarding Johnson’s eligibility as a player since her gender will render her ineligible to play college football in 2017. The media pressed Coach Riley about this concern. “Not quite sure what you guys mean,” Riley said. The media then spent the next 45 minutes of the press conference explaining to Coach Riley that unless there were major changes in the makeup of the rules of college football over the next year, Johnson would not be able to play in 2017 because she is a woman and only men are allowed to play football in the FBS. “We’ll cross that road when we get to it. But as of right now, Shawn is our guy,” said Riley.
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Bo Pelini caught yelling at players through bushes ZOE URSICK STAFF WRITER Disclaimer: This article is a part of the Daily Nebraskan and DailyER joint satirical issue, the Halfasskaner. Former Husker football coach Bo Pelini was released from the custody of the University of Nebraska-Lincoln Police Department late Thursday evening after UNLPD responded to reports of Pelini harassing football players from behind
bushes on campus. Responding officer Todd Gutierrez said the former head coach was brought in for questioning, but released without a citation after the players declined to press charges. Junior tight end Aaron Wetzler and senior linebacker Cameron Potter III said they were walking across city campus near Love Library when Pelini allegedly stuck his head out of the bushes and tried to summon the players closer. “I think he was trying to be sneaky, but for Bo, a whisper is still a pretty loud
scream,” Wetzler said. “We’re used to it, and we could tell he was trying to be quiet, but I think the people walking nearby just saw him pop out of that bush yelling and thought something bad was happening. That must have been when they called the cops.” According to UNLPD spokeswoman Karen Gaines, Pelini had been approaching other players in a similar manner throughout the day, supposedly in an effort to recruit them to Youngstown State’s football program, where Pelini now coaches. “I was walking to class when Bo jumped
out at me and started telling me I could play quarterback if I came to Youngstown,” sophomore placekicker Ryan Salzberg said. “He was still wearing his gray crewneck and headset, though, which was pretty weird. I don’t think he’s taken them off since he left.” Pelini declined to comment. Gaines says this is the fourth Pelini-related incident of the 2015-2016 academic year, and that the department will begin implementing more stringent security policies over the upcoming semesters to reduce the risk of any further incidents.
Recruit wows coaching staff with perfect toss into trash can PHILLIP MALZER STAFF WRITER Disclaimer: This article is a part of the Daily Nebraskan and DailyER joint satirical issue, the Halfasskaner. Even though college football is still months away from kicking off, preparation for next season is in full swing as practices and the spring red and white game are just around
the corner. Many fans are intrigued by a new recruit who could add an edge to the team. No recruit is more tantalizing than true freshman quarterback Patrick O’Brien, a fourstar prospect who could change the face of the Nebraska offense. While Senior Tommy Armstrong has many years of experience over O’Brien, the rookie impressed coaches during spring practice. When O’Brien threw a prefect spiral of a crumpled-up piece of paper into a trash can five feet away, the NU staff took notice. All of the offensive coaches knew about O’Brien’s talents,
but the trash can toss showed that he’s the QB of the future. “I’ve never seen someone with the pure mechanics, the footwork, the vision, the accuracy to get the paper ball into the trash can,” offensive coordinator Danny Langsdorf said. “In two years being here, I’ve never seen someone throw away trash like that.” “Everything comes naturally to him,” wide receiver coach Keith Williams added. “He just took the ball of paper, threw it to the receiver [the trash can] with such ease and brushed it off like he’s done this a thousand times. What
a talent.” With the coaches oohing and aahing over the potential of O’Brien at quarterback, head Coach Mike Riley said it’s too soon to name the freshman a starter over Armstrong. “Tommy’s had years of experience as our QB and with this offense,” Riley said, grinning from ear to ear. “But throughout my years here I’ve never seen him throw any paper balls into a trash can, so he’s got something to improve on.”
Landing wadded-up paper into trash bins has long been a tell for future hall-of-famers. Patrick O’Brien might be impressive, but where does he stack up against the greats? We had our data team take a look.
20 feet
Brett Favre
1991
Before he became famous for jeans and cheating on his wife,
34 feet
Peyton Manning 2006
After winning his first Super Bowl, Peyton Manning was said to be so happy that he hit
45 feet
Patrick O’ Brien 2015
Watch this kid, he’s already throwing
71 feet
Bo Pelini 2007
Although, he never played quarterback, Bo Pelini once reached Steph Curry-level accuracy after
80 feet
Cam Newton 2006
Atlanta’s a hotbed for paper-wad throwing talent and Newton’s no exception.
124 feet
My Dad 1979
My dad’s the strongest, coolest person in the world. His car is fast and expensive and he can do anything.
12 | FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2016
DAILYNEBRASKAN.COM
The definitive ranking of the top 5 bowl games of all time DREW PRESTON HALFASSKANER Disclaimer: This article is a part of the Daily Nebraskan and DailyER joint satirical issue, the Halfasskaner.
1.
The 1995 Orange Bowl: Nebraska 24, Miami 17 This was one of the defining moments of coach Tom Osborne’s career. The Huskers came back from 8 points down and took home the title. Go Big Red!
2. 3.
The 1971 Orange Bowl: Nebraska 17, LSU 12 You can’t forget about this one. Coach Bob Devaney led his team to the university’s very first national title. ‘Skers, baby!
The 1996 Fiesta Bowl: Nebraska 62, Florida 24 Talk about a whooping! Nebraska smacked down the No. 2 team in the country by a margin of almost 40 points. Pretty impressive for Dr. Tom to nab two trophies in a row!
4. 5.
FILE PHOTO | DN
The 1973 Sugar Bowl: Notre Dame 24, Alabama 23 Thought this list was going to be just Nebraska, huh? Think again. This was a classic matchup, and the first time these two powerhouses ever met. The Irish barely squeaked this one out, despite being up at halftime.
The 1998 Orange Bowl: Nebraska 42, Tennessee 17 This one was a classic! Although the Huskers were only the No. 2 team in the nation (and Tennessee No. 3), Nebraska might as well have been No. 1. What an unforgettable performance from the team. Go Huskers!
FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2016 | 13
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Thirsty Sports Bar near 11th and M is looking for an energetic and friendly bartender to work two shifts per week. $8/hr plus tips. Call Jason at 402.499.0359 for more information.
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Join the CenterPointe Team! Part-time positions available in residential program working with substance abuse/mental health clients in a unique environment. Must be at least 21 years of age and be willing to work a varied schedule including overnights and weekends. Pay differential for overnight hours. For more information visit: www.centerpointe.org.
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Work outdoors in the forest and learn about forestry with the Nebraska Forest Service. $10/hour, weekdays only, no nights or weekends. Possible part-time work during semester also available. Contact Aaron Clare Aaron.clare@unl.edu 402-472-4975.
GOLF COURSE POSITIONS
Pioneers Golf Course is now hiring part-time employees who will provide golfers and patrons with exceptional customer service. Responsibilities may include duties in the snack bar as well as beverage cart service out on the golf course. Apply in person at Pioneers Golf Course, 3403 West Van Dorn Street, Lincoln. (402)441-8966.
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The Nebraska Department of Roads is currently accepting applications for an Engineer I Vincenzo’s Italian Ristorante is now hiring in Traffic Control. For a full job description and part-time dishwashers. Must have evening/ The New York Syndication Sales Corporation to apply,Times visit www.statejobs.nebraska.gov. weekend availability and be comfortable with a State applications areNew required and must be10018 re620 Eighth Avenue, York, N.Y. fast-paced environment. Some heavy lifting inceived by April 1. Nebraska Department of Alcoholics Anonymous meeting Mondays 7:30 volved. Shift meal provided. Apply in person: For InformationThe Call: 1-800-972-3550 Roads is an Equal Opportunity/ Veterans Prefp.m. at University Lutheran Chapel, 1510 ‘Q’. 808 P St. Mon-Fri. 9-11a.m. and 2-4p.m. For Release Friday, April 19, 2013 Open Speaker Meeting. Public Welcome. erence Employer. 402-435-3889.
Meetings
Crossword Across
26 What a biblical
black horseman symbolizes 27 Opposed to 8 Fair way to be 28 Matadors’ red judged capes 15 Doris Day film 29 People might with the song leave them in “Ten Cents a tears Dance” 30 Often-toasted 17 Peoria seed resident’s representation 31 Year “The Tale of Peter Rabbit” 18 They often was published pass through 32 Like many needles sluggish drains 19 Place for a 33 Govt. issuance butler 35 Life 20 Spanish body 36 Spheres of water 37 Cobble, e.g. 21 ___ corde (piano pedaling 38 Small grouse direction) 39 Things in lava lamps 22 Rounded-up numbers? 40 Honey badger 23 Driver’s 41 Hostile invitation 43 Amino acid in 24 Flashes proteins 1 One looking out for #1
44 Tried to reach
higher
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46 Secretly plots
15
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48 “Jazz” artist
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1 Pliable protein 2 1991 entrant for the Democratic presidential nomination 3 Unduly high appraisals 4 Lead-in to flops 5 Springsteen’s “___ Rocker” 6 Divisions 7 How David Bowie’s character fell, in a 1976 sci-fi film 8 “Miami Vice” Emmy winner 9 Aye’s opposite, in verse ANSWER TO PREVIOUS PUZZLE 10 Scratch S L A P S H Y S P A M 11 It’s not a good sign P I L L S L O E U R G E A B B E C A P N M I R A 12 Rundowns C R E A T I V I T Y M E T 13 What prosaic minds lack E A R T H S L A U R E L D S T E S S O R H O D O 14 Exchange for a Hamilton D R O W S E A S T A I S T H E R E S I D U E O F 16 Politician Paul and others N E R O S P I N A L K N I T S T E S T E C U 22 Big exporter of S O C I A L T E S L A S mangoes P R O W A S T E D T I M E 23 Comets’ head O I L S S A R I A J A R 25 “… ___ the T T O P S H U N B A R I bush” S A R A O L E S H O D 26 Blue states
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puzzle by joe krozel
28 ___ Gerais
34 Big name in
30 Some brick
36 What a Pullman 42 “First name” in
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31 Crescent-
shaped bodies
32 “Does
the name Quasimodo ring a bell?,” e.g.
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37 Work after the
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43 Zaxxon maker 45 ’60s service
site
For answers, call 1-900-285-5656, $1.49 a minute; or, with a credit card, 1-800-814-5554. Annual subscriptions are available for the best of Sunday crosswords from the last 50 years: 1-888-7-ACROSS. AT&T users: Text NYTX to 386 to download puzzles, or visit nytimes.com/mobilexword for more information. Online subscriptions: Today’s puzzle and more than 2,000 past puzzles, nytimes.com/crosswords ($39.95 a year). Share tips: nytimes.com/wordplay. Crosswords for young solvers: nytimes.com/learning/xwords.
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FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2016 DAILYNEBRASKAN.COM
OPINION
Bathtub Dogs: do you even know who we are? COLLIN SPILINEK STAFF WRITER Disclaimer: This article is a part of the Daily Nebraskan and DailyER joint satirical issue, the Halfasskaner. Okay, time to set the record straight. We’re the Bathtub Dogs. Ever heard of us? We’re only the highest-requested a capella group at this fine establishment known as the University of Nebraska–Lincoln. For those of you too lame to know, a capella isn’t like that bullshit movie “Pitch Perfect” or “Pitch Perfect 2.” It’s the real deal. You know they used auto-tune right? It doesn’t even sound like singing. God, we hate those movies. They’re not funny, folks. And we’re not all douchey like Adam DeVine, okay? We take ourselves very seriously. We’re nice. We’re clean. We’re weird and wacky and goofy, but we also have pride. Pride that gets hurt when we tell people who we are and they say “Huh?” or “What?” or “Hmm?” We just want to let people know a couple things: We exist. We are here. At UNL. And we can sing. We can sing together and make booping noises with our mouths like they’re instruments. We can do this for extended periods of time while we stretch out our arms and raise our eyebrows. Occasionally we’ll look at each other with a jolly twinkle in our eyes as we continue our 10-minute rendition of “The Longest Time.” We also got the goods. Tommy Newell-he’s our powerhouse. He can hit a high E. High F# on a good day. He’s had perfect pitch from the age of 3 and he isn’t afraid to use it. His diaphragm is as swole as the biceps of a bodybuilder, and he’s only getting stronger. His voice is as smooth as butter, with half the calories. And he’s only a sophomore, bless his soul. We still got two or three more years with this bad boy. So just remember the name. The next time your frat’s holding a front-yard party and you’re tired of playing lame music while you toss the
ol’ pigskin around, the next time you’re holding a job fair and need some crooning to entice your lazy students to get a job, when the Union pianist has mysteriously vanished and there is no
one to fill your ears with soft, sweet tunes while you pound away at your chemistry homework. When Boots & Cats apparently “doesn’t have enough time” to sing at your St. Patrick’s Day
party. Remember the name. Bathroom Dogs. Shit, wait. Bathtub Dogs. Got it?
UPC should have picked my favorite band for spring concert DREW PRESTON STAFF WRITER Disclaimer: This article is a part of the Daily Nebraskan and DailyER joint satirical issue, the Halfasskaner. I’m pretty let down about the spring concert this year. UPC usually does a great job of booking things college students enjoy, like hypnotists and motivational speakers who aren’t quite good enough to have a TED talk. Unfortunately, the standard was not met this year.
I mean, T-Pain? I know I speak on behalf of the entire student body when I say that this choice is a disappointment. Their defense of this choice was spotty at best. He’s popular? I don’t think so. He’s reasonably priced? Sure, but maybe one of the magicians they hire could make a bigger budget appear so they can book someone who didn’t stop being relevant when I was in middle school. At this point, you might be thinking, “Great, you can chew out those hard workers over at UPC, but are you going to offer this terrible situation any help?” You bet I am.
Instead of T-Pain, UPC should have booked my favorite band, The Wet Slaps. They’re a great act, and UPC made a huge mistake by not booking them. UPC did the entire university a disservice by not booking my favorite musical act for the spring concert. As an individual student, I’m ashamed that my university didn’t pander directly to my niche tastes. Look at it this way: we all know who T-Pain is. One of the purposes of going to a university is to be exposed to new ideas and cultures. I’m perfectly willing to offer up my excellent taste in music to the masses of UNL.
I’m absolutely certain UNL students would enjoy The Wet Slaps. One of the forerunners of Moist Rock, their sound is like replacing your turntable’s needle with sandpaper. Good stuff. They’d put on a memorable show. Their low-energy, quiet sets are just the thing for UNL’s vibrant student body. We could even save UPC money by not needing to rent out the Pinnacle Bank Arena. They can just play in my basement. It’s up to you, UPC. You can mildly please most of the student body, or make me very happy.
16 | FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2016
DAILYNEBRASKAN.COM
In this issue... Bo Pelini found shouting at players from bushes
Mike Riley finally finds home in North Bottoms
Nebraska Union named fourth best union in country