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Bloom celebrating Valley women
L if e & l o ss
Summer 2014
Regina Harlow traces her path to establishing t h e Sadi e R ose F o u n d a t io n
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Making A Difference In Our Community With your oral health being an integral part of your total well being. Dr. Hall, Dr. Dean and their Hygiene Team are committed to making a difference in serving their patient’s needs.
Dr. Dean, Dr. Hall and their Hygiene Team... Jan, Mallory and Pam.
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INSIDE BLOOM
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16 Say it like you mean it Christina Kunkle walks readers through ditching the drama and communicating effectively.
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Woman’s world From Old Order to extraordinary Regina Harlow discusses her journey to unexpected leadership roles.
your BEAUTY Smile pretty!
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your HEALTH p. 8
your SPIRITUALITY Don’t go it alone.
Welcome back, ladies! It’s Summer 2014 and the season is in full swing, which brings the latest issue of Bloom. With long, hot days melting into kaleidoscopic sunsets, it’s such an easy time of year to appreciate the breathtaking sights our Valley offers. But, with the kids out of school and the family heading here and there, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. So, take a minute and enjoy what this issue has in store. Family vacations can be wonderful — and stressful! Combine the heat or a long car ride with a snarky sister or a mother-in-law who knows how to push just the right buttons, and situations can quickly spiral out of control. Christina Kunkle details a step-by-step guide to dealing with the drama loved ones sometimes stir up (“Confident communication,” page 5). On a lighter note — and one that may add a little dazzle to your day — dentists weigh in on the benefits of cosmetic procedures (“Keep that smile bright,” page 8) and brewers throughout the ’Burg offer the lowdown on libations (“Brew basics,” page 14). Luanne Austin discusses heading the right direction
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Matt Gonzales gives a glimpse into the ins and outs of daily life as the only guy on the Features Desk.
Summer 2014
Getting past postpartum.
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p. 12
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Learn about libations.
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spiritually, and seeking support along the way (“Spiritual direction: Is it right for you?” page 11). And, after sitting down with the leaders of Sentara RMH Medical Center’s new support group for women coping with postpartum depression, one writer can’t help but hope awareness is brought to the issue (“Ups & downs,” page 12). Though it’s a story she’s shared before, Regina Harlow opens up about her journey to founding the Sadie Rose Foundation, named in honor of her firstborn daughter. In the aftermath of Sadie Rose’s death, Regina created a space for other families to find solace after the loss of a child (“Good grief,” page 16). In this season of hustle and bustle, the Bloom staff hopes you take a minute — even if it’s poolside — to enjoy this issue. Thanks for reading, and, as always, keep blooming! Kate Kersey Editor
Bloo m Staf f Kate Kersey, editor
Candace Sipos, staff writer Katie King, staff writer Matt Gonzales, staff writer Luanne Austin, freelance writer Kim Potter & Sara Schu, account executives
Bloom is a publication of Rockingham Publishing Co., Inc. Copyright © 2014 Rockingham Publishing Co., Inc. 231 S. Liberty St. Harrisonburg, VA 22801 For advertising information, contact Kim at 574-6224 or kpotter@dnronline.com or Sara at 574-6227 or sschu@dnronline.com.
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Christina Kunkle’s step-by-step guide to
Confident communication
hen a family feud has you hot under the collar, don’t turn your back on or run from conflict. Instead, use these tips to drop the drama and communicate with confidence.
Cool down
Anger sends us straight into a fightor-flight reaction, making it difficult to think clearly or problem solve creatively. Before hissing something hateful that you can’t take back, draw slow, deep breaths until you feel your body begin to relax. Studies have shown that extended high levels of stress hormones, such as adrenalin and cortisol, trigger health problems ranging from headaches to heart attacks.
So, the quicker you calm down, the better.
Know your intention
Take full responsibility for the energy you bring into the interaction. What really has you upset? Do you have a strong need to be right? Do you feel insecure? Are you trying to settle a score? If you’re angry and holding a grudge, by all means, find a way to move past bitterness to forgiveness.
Speak for yourself
Stick to the facts using “I messages,” as much as possible. If you start a sentence with “You,” it
thinkstock.com
comes off as more of a judgment, and puts others on the defensive. If you start with “I,” the focus is more on how you are feeling, personally, and how you are affected by their behavior. Also, it shows more ownership of your reactions, and less blame. For example: Say, “I’d like it if you’d stop that,” instead of “You need to stop that!”
Release negativity
Emotion means “energy in motion.” Feelings are meant to rise and be either expressed constructively or released altogether, if they do not serve us. However, we often suppress emotions using a host of unhealthy activities designed to numb the pain — smoking, excessively shopping or consuming alcohol, etc.
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Instead, experiment and find a healthy outlet to release negative emotions. Try journaling, drawing, dancing or exercising.
Collaborate
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Being a peoplepleaser without sharing your own preferences builds and fosters resentment. Trying to bully others into accepting your ideas just adds fuel to that fire. Instead, find the courage to look for a win-win solution about which everyone can feel good. Make an honest attempt to understand whence others are coming, before you insist that they see things your way.
Embrace the ‘blesson’
Whether you need to show tough love, stage an interven-
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Even the most perfect family has the freedom to be flawed, as long as everyone is doing the best they can. Together, they face failure, say “I’m sorry,” when necessary, and graciously accept sincere apologies. Above all, these families lovingly find the words that need to be said and create a culture of encouragement.
One person who speaks the simple truth and does it well can change a culture. They can change a family culture, a corporate culture, a community culture, and even impact the world. Find the words that need to be said.
“
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— MERYL RUNION
tion or settle a monetary dispute, conflict can be a positive learning experience. There’s a blessing to be found in every lesson — a blesson, if you will — if you take the time to find it. Be grateful for people who push your buttons, they each have something to teach you.
Be authentic
The best way to disarm de-
fensiveness is to speak directly from the heart. So, even though tempers may flare, your communication is more likely to stay constructive and appropriate. When you lash out or someone judges you critically, just apply the Q-TIP approach: Quit taking it personally. Love and accept yourself when you make a mistake, allowing plenty of room for do-overs.
Christina Kunkle, RN and CTA Certified Life and Wellness Coach, is founder of Synergy Life and Wellness Coaching, LLC, creator of the “Synergy Success Circle” and “SOAR,” a heartcentered leadership development program. To learn more, visit synergylifeandwellnesscoaching.com or call (540) 746-5206.
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your BEAUT Y
Keep that s mil e br ig h t D e n t i s t s d i sc u s s c o sm e t i c p r o ce d u r es
W
ARTICLE BY PHOTOGR APHY KATIE KING NIKKI FOX
hen a softball hit Robin Campbell in the mouth, it left the then 23-yearold with a busted lip and a permanently altered smile. The impact injured one of her front teeth, killing its roots and subsequently causing the tooth to darken in color. After external whitening failed to fix the discoloration, Campbell was convinced she was out of choices. “I was embarrassed about it,” she admitted, adding that she smiled with her mouth shut for years. However, after joining the staff at Caitlin Batchelor Dentistry as a patient care coordinator, Campbell learned of other available options. Last year, she underwent a procedure known as internal bleaching. A hole was drilled in the back of the discolored tooth, then whitening gel was inserted and held inside by a temporary filling. After roughly 10 days, the tooth was cleaned out and a permanent filling was applied. Though external bleaching failed to provide the desired results, Campbell said internal bleaching did the trick, significantly whitening her gray tooth.
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Campbell loves her new smile, and says she no longer hesitates to grin. “My children comment on it all the time, and [notice] how much more I’m smiling,” she remarked. Caitlin Batchelor, DDS, says she enjoys cosmetic dentistry because it can provide some patients, such as Campbell, with a boost of self-esteem. “To me, it’s incredibly rewarding to give people the confidence to be able to smile again,” she said. “For many people, it can really be life-changing.” Batchelor estimates that cosmetic dental procedures make up about 10 to 20 percent of her work, and says the demand for cosmetic dentistry appears to be on the rise. “As the materials improve and people are seeing in their friends and in celebrities how great a smile can look, there certainly has been an increase [in interest],” she added. In addition to internal bleaching, her office offers custom take-home whitening trays and in-office light-activated whitening procedures. According to Batchelor, the light provides patients with “instant gratification” but shorter-lasting results. She also cautions that the light tends to
BY cause “a little bit more sensitivity” than the trays. Debra Horst, DDS, also offers takehome whitening trays at her Harrisonburg office, and agrees that the trays tend to provide longer-lasting results. Though available over-the-counter, Horst says the custom-made trays from dentists offer added benefits. “[The whitening gel] doesn’t get on your gums because the trays are made to only fit over your teeth,” she explained, adding that the gel can cause an uncomfortable burning sensation if it comes into contact with gums. Dentists can also adjust the strength of the whitening gel, allowing patients to achieve more personalized results. Those dissatisfied with their current smiles may also want to explore the option of veneers. Generally made from tooth-colored porcelain, veneers can be slipped over a patient’s teeth after a thin layer of tooth has been removed. “If you are looking for a color change, a shape change, looking to straighten a small amount of crowding or crookedness in the front teeth, veneers can really make a big difference,” explained Batchelor.
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However, veneers are only an option for those willing to make a lifelong commitment. “At some point in your life, [the veneers are] going to have to be replaced because the porcelain doesn’t last forever,” Horst warned. Although having a beautiful smile is a great asset, Horst points out that having a healthy mouth should always be the top priority. She advises locals to visit a dentist once every six months for preventive care, and stresses the importance of brushing twice daily. “You don’t want to put in things that look pretty, but still have a lot of decay in the back,” she reasoned. “You want to make sure the whole mouth is healthy.” Given her love of coffee, Katie might consider whitening in the coming years.
Robin Campbell of Harrisonburg compares her teeth-whitening progress to how her mouth looked (left) at the beginning of her multiple internal bleaching treatments by Dr. Caitlin Batchelor.
Dr. Caitlin Batchelor Sometimes a woman is the best man for the job. Interested in learning what we can do to enhance your smile? We invite new patients to experience our office with a complimentary initial exam and X-rays.
Call our office for details.
1920 Medical Avenue, Suite J Harrisonburg, VA 22801
540-432-9992
www.batchelor-dentistry.com
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your SPIRITUALITY
he first time she heard the term “spiritual director,” Wendy Miller knew she needed one. And her first experience with one did not disappoint. “My spiritual director listened to me,” says Miller, formerly of Harrisonburg, now living in Garland, Texas. “She asked questions, took me to deeper levels in myself; not on a head or emotional level, but a soul level. ... I began to appreciate more clearly God’s purpose for me.” Spiritual direction —sometimes referred to as spiritual friendship — is the process by which one person offers a listening, prayerful presence to another while they journey together with the divine. It is not therapy and it is not counseling. Liz Budd Ellmann, MDiv, executive director of Spiritual Directors International, explains it this way: “Simply put, spiritual direction is helping people tell their sacred stories every day.”
who once felt God’s presence in their lives but no longer do, or those who have suffered a traumatic experience and wonder, “Where is God?” One woman who contacted Alley never believed in God. In fact, she did not feel comfortable meeting at EMS, where Alley works, so they met first at a coffee shop. Another nonbeliever always found comfort in the woods, where a cardinal was often perched nearby. Cardinals, Alley says, are a symbol of Christ, so she asked, “Could this be God’s way of comforting you?” “Spiritual directors are another set of eyes and ears to see where God is showing up,” Alley reiterates. “If a spiritual director really listens, they can point out where there’s resistance to God or an involvement with God.”
S p i r i t u a l D i re c t i o n Luanne Austin asks: Is it right for you?
It’s a story Miller, who founded the spiritual formation and spiritual direction programs at Eastern Mennonite Seminary, explains spiritual direction in the form of a story. “It begins in Genesis, where God took exquisite care to create an amazing world, and He saw that it was good,” begins Miller, who now directs the spiritual direction program of the Academy for Missional Wisdom at SMU/Perkins School of Theology in Dallas. In the Garden of Eden, when the serpent told Adam and Eve to eat the fruit God had forbidden, he promised they would “be like God.” But when they reached up to take the fruit, everything changed. The world, once an orderly garden, became full of thistles and weeds. God kept seeking Adam and Eve, but they hid. “This is a pattern today,” Miller adds. “People are uncomfortable with God.” So, spiritual direction, according to
Miller, is “stories of how God comes to us, is coming to us, of our consciousness of God and how we respond.” Many approaches In many circles, spiritual direction — with its ancient, pre-Christian roots — has gained popularity in recent years. The Spiritual Directors International website lists directors from Christian, Jewish, Islamic, Buddhist and Eastern Philosophy religious traditions. Spiritual direction training programs are offered locally at EMS and through the Charlottesville-based Spiritual Direction Institute. “SDI welcomes non-Catholics and even non-Christians,” says Patty Huffman of Harrisonburg, the institute’s director. Huffman took the two-year course in 1989, the first year the institute offered it. “It changed my life,” she says, “my personal life, my family life, my marriage. … It opened my heart and mind to others’ points of view and gave me my voice.” She has seen other lives change, too. “Some people, when they start, don’t believe, but they want to explore the God question,” says Huffman. “Others have an idea of God that they discover is a product of their imagination.”
It’s for anyone
When Linda Alley of Harrisonburg first heard of spiritual direction 20 years ago, her husband was a pastor. “But what if I had questions about the existence of God?” asks Alley, a Church of the Brethren member. “Can a pastor’s wife say that to anyone? I needed to have someone hear the deepest part of me.” Spiritual direction can benefit anyone interested in a deeper spiritual life, says Alley, now a spiritual director herself. About half of her directees are ministers; the rest are seekers — those wondering if God is real. Spiritual direction is also for people
Find one for yourself
Most spiritual directors charge a fee based on a sliding scale, according to Miller. Costs range anywhere from $1590 for an hour, once a month. To find or inquire into spiritual direction, visit the Congregational Resource Center at EMS, which Alley coordinates. Directors are also listed on the Spiritual Directors International website, sdiworld.org. Group spiritual direction is another option. Mary Lou McMillin of Harrisonburg, a Presbyterian, has been meeting with an inter-denominational group for 12 years. “As I seek to follow God’s leading in my life, I have found it very helpful to have someone to listen with me for God’s direction and to reflect with me on the circumstances of my life to discern where God might indeed be at work,” she explained. McMillin says she often gains insight through the words, images or probing questions from others in the group, as well as from the silence. She says, “In the quiet stillness, new insights emerge, poems can bubble up, comfort is received and inner peace experienced.”
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your HEALTH
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ARTICLE BY KATIE KING PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY THINKSTOCK.COM
Ups & Downs
“
There is no shame in struggling with postpartum depression. It doesn’t say anything about your ability as a mom, or how much you love your child.
“
I
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n the weeks that followed her daughter’s birth, Stacy Nowell felt like a hostage. ...
It wasn’t a stranger holding the Harrisonburg local captive, but her own emotions. “It was as if I had woken up at night and there was a man standing over me with a knife,” she recalled. “There was that sense of dread and fear; I felt that way all the time.” Overcome by extreme anxiety, Nowell says she was unable to sleep or even eat. “I literally gagged up food,” she remarked. “I couldn’t make my body eat it.” The new mom — who had struggled with fertility for three years before giving birth to her daughter — remembers being completely baffled by her panicked state. With a supportive husband and a brand new baby, nothing in Nowell’s life seemed to be amiss. “I tried to reason my way out of it [because] I felt like I should feel great,” she added. Despite her best efforts, Nowell’s mental health continued to deteriorate. “I couldn’t take care of my daughter because I couldn’t get out of bed,”
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she explained, tearAccording to the Mayo ■ feelings of shame, guilt ing up. Clinic, PPD symptoms include: or inadequacy “I got to the ■ severe mood swings ■ loss of appetite point where I felt ■ difficulty bonding with ■ insomnia like hurting myself one’s baby ■ intense irritability and would be the best ■ withdrawal from family anger thing for my family.” and friends ■ overwhelming fatigue When her daugh■ thoughts of harming ■ loss of interest in sex ter was six weeks old, Nowell checked one’s self or baby ■ lack of joy in life herself into Sentara RMH Medical Center for six days of meeting of UPPS and year-old daughter and 9in-patient care. Diagnosed DOWNS, a new PPD supmonth-old son to be the with postpartum depresport group sponsored by “best thing ever” — realsion, Nowell said doctors ized she could use her expe- Sentara RMH. tried treating her condition Led by co-facilitators rience to help others. with anti-anxiety medicaMarjorie Scheikl and Teresa “I feel like this is a mintions and anti-depressants, istry God has given to me,” Oliver, the group aims to but soon found that horhelp affected individuals Nowell explained. “I am monal birth control offered more than willing to do and spread overall awarethe best solution. ness about PPD. what I can to help other According to the Mayo Pointing out the dearth of women who are going Clinic, PPD is a form of other support groups in the through the same thing.” depression that can be trigOn May 22, she shared gered by the dramatic horher experience at the first »See HEALTH, Page 15 monal changes that may occur after childbirth. Emotional factors and lifestyle influences, such as sleep deprivation or a lack of support, can also play a role. Common forms of treatment include counseling, anti-depressants and hormone therapy. Though it took Nowell an estimated 6 to 9 months to feel “truly back on her feet,” she says her week at Sentara RMH helped tremendously. “The difference was huge,” she said, adding that she was able to care for her child and return to work. Valley’s First Trollbead Dealer As an associate pastor at Makers of the original beaded Harrisonburg Baptist bracelet concept. Browse our Church, Nowell chose to be collection that include more than 500 open with her congregation artisan crafted beads from beautiful regarding the struggle and Murano Glass or Sterling Silver. was surprised to learn of Choose beads that have meaning other women with similar to you and tell your unique story! stories. 405 N. Main St., Bridgewater Nowell — who considers 828-4949 • Mon.-Sat. 10-5 • Plenty Off Street Parking being a mother to her 3-
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your TABLE
or some women today, beer is for the boys — right down to
the advertising ploys big-name
commercial breweries use.
“I think a lot of people picture ‘beer
people’ to simply be bearded men,” admits Tim Brady, co-owner of Pale Fire Brewing Company, slated to open in downtown
Harrisonburg’s Ice House this November. “But that’s far from the truth,” he adds.
Brew
ARTICLE BY MATT GONZALES PHOTOGRAPHY BY NIKKI FOX
basics And the budding artisanal movement, to which craft brewers such as Pale Fire attest — furthered by Three Notch’d Brewery and Three Brothers Brewing, two other Harrisonburg offerings — is changing that broad-brush notion. As realbeer.com tells it, the relationship between women and beer goes back many moons. In ancient Egypt, women almost exclusively bore responsible for brewing. During middle-age England, nearly 93 percent of brewers were women. The same was true of the 17th-century American colonies. Even what many consider to be the biggest day in a woman’s life is connected to brews. The archaic definition of “bridal” is “a wedding feast,” according to dictionary.com. Beer was also important prior to childbirth — midwives served mothers during labor and immediately after delivery, in an effort to settle their spirits. And, as the artisanal efforts take off, ladies are rediscovering this connection. “One of the most exciting things about craft beer is the fact that a lot of women are involved in it,” added Betsy O’Brien, tap room manager at Three Notch’d Brewing Company’s Harrisonburg location. “There are even female beer appreciation groups out there.” However, some lady beer novices may need a push in the right direction, as the variety can be a bit overwhelming. That’s where local experts say the Beer Judge Certification Program, which can be found at bjcp.org, saves the day. For those interested in food pairings, Ryan Zale, executive chef at Local Chop and Grill House, offered his input for each brew in the break-down that follows.
»See TABLE, Page 24
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Downtown Harrisonburg’s Local Chop & Grill House bar boasts brews from the area.
Standard American Lager
Type of Beer: Lager Appearance: Pale straw to medium yellow in color with a white, frothy head. Characteristics: Dry flavor with low hop and bitterness levels; high in carbonation, low in fruitiness. Alcohol content: 4-6 percent International Bittering Units: 8-15 Chef ’s take: “I usually pair these with classic American foods like burgers, wings, or hot dogs. Best suited for your typical American backyard barbecue in the summer.” Commercial Examples: Pabst Blue Ribbon, Miller High Life, Budweiser
Pilsner
Type of Beer: Lager Variations available: German Pilsner, Bohemian Pilsner, Czech-style Pilsner, Classic American Pilsner Appearance: Pale yellow to a deep gold body and a creamy white head. Characteristics: Light malted barley coupled with a light, grainy taste contributes to the brew’s hoppy character; medium-to-high carbonation levels.
Alcohol content: 4-5.5 percent IBU: 25-40 Chef ’s take: “A pilsner would go well with grilled pork tenderloin. Specifically, [ceviche] would go well with a Czech-style pilsner.” Commercial Examples: Negra Modela, Great Lakes Eliot Ness, Blue Paddle Local Examples: Of, By, For Pilsner (Three Notch’d Brewing Company); Starr Pils (Starr Hill Brewery)
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area specifically dedicated to PPD, Oliver — an RN and lactation consultant at Sentara RMH — says she believes it to be a cause that needs more attention. “I just think it needs to be on the radar,” she remarked. “I want the community to be more involved.” “We really hope people will take advantage [of the group],” added Scheikl, a PRN employed by Sentara RMH and an associate professor in the nursing department at James Madison University. “Now that we know more [about
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the disorder,] we don’t want any women to suffer in silence.” Nowell, who volunteers at each meeting, says she remembers feeling embarrassed by her symptoms, and hopes other women won’t allow similar feelings to prevent them from seeking help. “There is no shame in struggling with postpartum depression. It doesn’t say anything about your ability as a mom, or how much you love your child or even you spirituality,” she said. “Reach out and get the help you need;
it does not make you a bad person.” Understanding Pregnancy and Postpartum Stress and Depression/Offering Women Needed Support meets at 7 p.m. fourth Thursdays at the Sentara RMH Funkhouser Women’s Center. Membership is free and open to all pregnant or postpartum women; no advanced registration required. Katie admires Nowell’s courage in sharing her story and hopes readers will help spread awareness about PPD.
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ARTICLE BY CANDACE SIPOS PHOTOGRAPHY BY HOLLY MARCUS
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Life & loss
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in full BLOOM
Regina Cyzick Harlow shares s to r y o f t r i u m p h d e s p i te s o r r ow
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R
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“
egina Cyzick Harlow didn’t have a name for three days. Her father wanted her named after her Hungarian greatgrandmother, Mary, but it didn’t feel right to her mother.
After laboring hard in the sweltering August heat to deliver the fifth of her seven children with help only from the “neighbor lady,” Regina’s mother, Reba Kline, didn’t need immediate satisfaction where naming was concerned. She waited until the appropriate moniker dawned on her. It came in the form of a book, called “Not Regina,” a copy of which the heroine’s namesake still has on hand. On its cover, a woman donning an unembellished brown dress and a matching bonnet stands in the fore-
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ground, a castle lurking in the distance. The plot is set in the 1500s, when the Anabaptist faith was forming, Regina explains in her Grottoes home, a fresh mound of warm peanut butter cookies cooling beside her. The protagonist is a strong-willed, 19-year-old Swiss girl who fell away from the state church into Anabaptism despite the looming dangers. “Faith was such a huge part of her story,” says Regina, now 36, who grew up in an Old Order Mennonite family near Dayton, complete with horse-andbuggy transportation, plenty of farm
work and an education that ended with eighth grade. “Well, it was her.” She starts to explain the parallels to her own life, but her 5-year-old son, Eli, wants a cookie. “Why don’t you take a bite out of Elsie’s over there and see if you like it?” his mom asks kindly with her slight Southern drawl, referring to his 2-yearold sister’s cookie sandwich, which will remain half-eaten on the floral yellow tablecloth. “When I look at my own story,” she starts again, “it’s not at all the same, and yet it is.”
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When she’s not filling the pulpit as interim pastor at Dayton Church of the Brethren or leading vacation Bible school classes (OPPOSITE), Regina Harlow splits her time between Sadie Rose Foundation events (right), and her family (bottom, right), including husband, Lee, and two children, Elsie, 2, and Eli, 5.
“
We were surrounded with some of the most amazing love and support ... yet you still feel alone until you connect with other families who have gone through it. I just knew I wanted to do something.
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A time of grief
The Harlow home is not one of those cold, untouchably smudge-free spaces. It’s fun and comfortable, with soft, rose-colored kitchen cabinets, kids’ writing scrawling across the refrigerator and an assortment of chairs, toys and animals hiding out in their appropriate places. Green Bean and Nelson are the cats, and Sampson’s the chocolate lab-Anatolian Shepherd mix barking in the backyard. Some say that dogs rescued them, instead of the other way around, but when Regina says it you get the distinct impression that it’s actually true. When Regina met Sampson on Labor Day 2007, she had buried her firstborn child not three months prior. Sadie Rose’s story is one that
Regina’s told countless times, and it’s one that’s intertwined with not only her entire being, but her work, as well. When then-newlyweds Regina and Lee Harlow went into their 20-week ultrasound, their Harrisonburg-based doctor warned them that something wasn’t normal. It might be Down syndrome, he said, and sent them for a more in-depth checkup at Martha Jefferson Hospital in Charlottesville. The prenatal diagnosis center there ruled out the possibility of Down, but delivered more news: the baby had dwarfism. Everyone involved, however, believed Sadie to be healthy. Regina’s mom came over June 14, 2007, toting meatloaf, cheesy scalloped potatoes, creamed peas and cherry cobbler, and the two went to work
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setting up Sadie’s nursery. That night, Regina went into labor, a state in which she remained until June 20, when her first daughter was born. Sadie died 17 hours later. “Most of the whole day that she lived, we thought she was going to be a healthy dwarf after she got through being a premie,” Regina said. “And then it was a just a couple hours before she died, they came and said, ‘She’s too sick and she’s not going to make it.’ ” The doctors discovered that Sadie had hypochondrogenesis, a rare, fatal type of dwarfism that causes abnormal bone formation and underdeveloped lungs. Her cause of death was listed as respiratory insufficiency. Every year, around the same time she went into labor in 2007, Regina makes some version of that meal her mother brought to her house. “We had that meal on Monday night,” Regina says from her kitchen in late June. “It’s not something I do to punish myself. … It’s just a part of the memory.” This year, for the first time, Regina decided to carry on with life as usual on the anniversary of Sadie’s birth and death. The Harlows celebrated Sadie’s life with another family dinner June 21. Eli and Elsie went to their respective karate and dance classes the day before, both of which were forbidden in Regina’s upbringing, though she says she “always felt music in [her] soul.” “I was struggling because, initially, I was [thinking], ‘I can’t do anything. It’s Sadie’s birthday,’ ” Regina says. Blonde-haired, bright-eyed Eli and Elsie, the latter clad in a shirt heralding her status as a “princess in training,” are watching TV in the next room. “Then I thought, ‘If Sadie were here, what would we
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Born into an Old Order Mennonite family outside Dayton, Regina Harlow grew up with a horse and buggy for transportation.
do?’ ” she adds. “I don’t want [the kids] to grow up thinking that I love Sadie more than them, because I don’t. I miss her all the time, but I love all of them. I don’t want them to be resentful; I want them to feel like we celebrated and honored her life in a positive way.”
The Sadie Rose Foundation
These are memories that Regina can rattle off now, certainly not without emotion but devoid of the crippling grief that accompanies a fresh wound. It’s a story she’s verbally relived time and time again. But Sampson came before all of that — he came during the time of raw grief. One of a flurry of puppies
for sale at the Rockingham County Fairgrounds’ horse fair that September in 2007, Sampson seemed to have the oldest soul. “All of these little ones were coming up to the fence and looking at me, and there was this one over there, just laying down,” Regina remembers, her eyes stuck in that moment years past. She walked over to the months-old puppy and fell deep into her sadness, crying into his young fur. “He’s just sitting there and he’s just literally absorbing my grief,” she recalls. Regina has a way of juxtaposing the saddest of stories with a bolt of humor, keeping even the most poignant of conversations light-hearted. “The poor lady selling the
dogs had no idea,” she laughs, adding that she hadn’t exactly talked over the new addition to the family with her husband. Thankfully, he was — and is — far too even-keeled to lash out at her about the situation, and after all, “he understood how much I needed [Sampson] and still do,” she explains. Sampson is now 7, the same age that Sadie would be and nearly as old as Regina’s nonprofit. A couple of months after her first daughter’s death, an idea for an organization to connect families by their shared grief struck Regina. “I was washing my floor on my hands and knees, with tears falling into the dirty water in the bucket,” she remembered, sitting in the foundation’s current office at 206 Main St. in Dayton. “We were surrounded with some of the most amazing love and support from our families and our church friends and our community, and yet you still feel alone until you connect with other families who have gone through it. I just knew I wanted to do something and the name, the Sadie Rose Foundation, just came into my spirit.” By January 2008, the organization was an official nonprofit, with Regina working to build connections and bring together grieving families for a monthly support meeting at a local church. Three years later, the nonprofit moved into its current two-story building, rented from Dayton Church of the Brethren. Now, the Sadie Rose Foundation hosts three monthly support groups — one for people grieving after miscarriages, another for bereaved parents who’ve lost children and a third for mourning
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families — as well as a monthly coffee. That’s not to mention the remembrance events the nonprofit puts on, such as a candlelit ceremony in December, a memorial picnic and balloon release held at the end of June and a 5K the same month. More than 200 families are on the mailing list to receive the foundation’s monthly newsletter. Those are mostly Valley residents, but the organization has touched people across the nation; one bereaved mother in California participated in the balloon release last month. Inside the white-columned red brick building that’s adjacent to a day care center, one wall is painted teal and adorned with a slew of butterflies, each emblazoned with the name of a child who has died. Regina has big plans for a grief and healing center, complete with processing stations, a soul food café and a butterfly garden. None of this, however, is a part of a life for which she would have asked. “We talk about it in our group all the time,” Regina says. “We’re part of the club that nobody wants to pay the dues to be a part of.”
Beautiful, ‘inside and out’
Regina Harlow didn’t have a name for three days of her life, but both hers and her firstborn daughter’s carry significant weight now. They mean community, the freedom to safely express grief, hope after loss. They mean strength. “I just think she’s a beautiful person, inside and out,” said Deborah Thompson, a Harrisonburg mom whose 23year-old son, Issa Ausberry, died in October 2012. She still attends meetings at the Sadie Rose Foundation every month, where she began to take refuge after not finding any relief through a personal counselor. “I kind of rolled my eyes when he talked to me,” Thompson said, noting that he used trite phrases such as “time will heal.” At the foundation, “they understood … that I’m going to deal with this for the rest of my life,” she added. Regina sends Deborah notes via Facebook and text messages and calls just to let her know that she’s been thinking of her.
Regina’s quick to point out that her organization is not full of licensed counselors — though she hopes to return to school to earn that designation soon — but emphasizes that people who have experienced the same loss can bring each other great comfort. “When you connect with other families who share a common pain, it can greatly impact your grief and healing process,” she says. Faye Wampler, a longtime friend of Regina’s who attends Beaver Creek Church of the Brethren with her and invited her into the John Kline Memorial Riders, believes Regina’s ability to talk to anybody is a gift. Of Regina’s positive qualities, Faye says she most values her authenticity. “What you see with Regina is what you get,” she explained. “There is nothing fake.” The two women talked often following Sadie’s death, and the conversations had an unexpected effect on Faye. “Through her, I … grieved for my miscarriage in a way that I hadn’t before,” Faye said, explaining that she
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Elsie Ray Harlow, 2, looks up at balloons ready to be released during the annual Sadie Rose Foundation memorial picnic at Purcell Park.
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miscarried more than 30 years ago but women who experienced such trauma weren’t as encouraged to grieve at that time. “It was just kind of amazing that she has that kind of ability to help people.” Any conversation about Regina seems to lead to a similar conclusion. “She’s always looking out for other people and trying to share her story to help other people,” said Reba, Regina’s mother, while working on a order at Countryside Sewing. True to its name, the business is housed in an old off-white garage next to the two-story farmhouse where Regina grew up. Reba, now remarried — Regina’s father left the home when she was 4 — has since moved closer to Harrisonburg, but her youngest son lives in that house with his family, including four of her 26 grandchildren. The entire Cyzick family gets together often; all of Reba’s children live within an hour of her. As for Regina, she was an
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energetic, determined child, Reba remembers. “She always knew what she wanted. … She was a little hard to control sometimes,” Reba said, laughing. “She had her mind made up and was very adamant in what she believed in.”
From Old Order to extraordinary
Both Regina and her mother agree that Sadie’s death developed Regina’s natural empathy, her innate ability to care for people crippled by grief. She’s been attending pastoral classes for three years, was licensed to preach in June 2013 and has been serving as the interim pastor at Dayton Church of the Brethren for most of the year. To fully comprehend Regina’s apprehension toward leading and her near disbelief regarding the roles she’s undertaken is to understand her faith background, which doesn’t typically bolster women into the limelight. She has a picture of herself at 19, wearing a collared
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pink dress snug to her neck and a white bonnet seemingly glued to her dark brown, pulled back locks. Regina lived most of her life in that old white house, picking up a great many odd jobs starting at an early age along with her six siblings, who were all born within 10 years of one another. She volunteered in the bakery at a boys camp in South Carolina for six months, worked in the kitchen on a ranch in Colorado — note, she’s drawn to anything food-related — milked cows full-time, worked at the Thomas House in Dayton on-and-off for about a decade, and wrote for the North Fork, Shenandoah and Northern Augusta journals for a while, to name a few. Her children enjoy her farm stories now; Eli especially likes the “Black Limousin bull” tale that involves his mom escaping an angry animal. Regina has also been on mission trips to Mexico, El Salvador, Zimbabwe and Haiti. She would go anywhere, she says, to learn about people and their cultures. It was while working at the Thomas House that a couple from a Mennonite
“
We talk about it in our group all the time. We’re part of a club that nobody wants to pay the dues to be a part of.
church Regina was attending came in one day and said they wanted to send her to Rosedale Bible College in Irwin, Ohio, where she studied for about a year. When she returned home, she earned her GED. Those two local Mennonites, along with various others in her church community, her GED instructor, her mother — her “hero” — and her husband — her “rock” and “homebase” — are on a long list of people who helped make Regina who she is today, she says. “When I stop and think about it, it gets overwhelming, because, you know, I was just a lost, broken person and there were people who believed in me,” she said, fighting back tears. “When you have something deep inside of you that you feel, but you’ve never been able to quite articulate it or
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allow it to come forward, and then people start … calling out those gifts in you, there’s so much power in that.” It’s with the support of those people, she says, that she’s found herself heading up a nonprofit, while taking pastoral classes and planning to return to college. “I’m probably one of the most reluctant leaders; none of the leadership opportunities in my life have been sought out,” Regina says, her chocolate-colored eyes squinting and her words slowing as she searches for the perfect ones. “I would not have chosen this, but here I am, and I’m so glad that I’m here.”
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boasts some citrusy, fruity elements. Alcohol content: 5-7.5 percent, English; 5.5-7.5 percent, American; 7.5-10+ percent for Imperial IBU: 40-60 (60-100 for Imperial IPA) Chef ’s take: “In the summer, [IPAs] are good because they can stand up to spices and fatty fish. ... Indian food in
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Life as the new guy in (gal) town
F
COLUMN BY MATT GONZALES PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY NIKKI FOX
or the majority of my professional life, I’ve been surrounded predominantly by other men. Dating back to my first position as a retail cashier in New Bern, N.C. — before being demoted to the guy who retrieved shopping carts from the parking lot, apropos nothing — the majority of my coworkers were either guys with whom I attended high school, played recreational sports against or headed to college alongside. Save for a friendly lady,
named Mary — who voluntarily served as my “at-work mother” whenever I needed a good kick in the pants — each of my direct managers was a man, most of whom had worked the trade for decades. I found the case to be the same at each of my subsequent jobs throughout college — from cashiering to bagging ice at military air shows — as well as those just-scrapping-by post-graduate positions that followed. Co-workers. Managers. CEOs. Everywhere I turned, it was raining men.
Then, in August 2013, while living in the Washington, D.C.-metropolitan area, I received an offer from the Daily News-Record. I was ecstatic at finally landing a job in my collegiate field of study, a little more than three years after graduating. I was ready to start the next chapter in my life, the first as a professional journalist. New adventures, fresh experiences and another cadre of colleagues loomed on the horizon. When I arrived, I was greeted by the features editor and my new boss, Kate, who I later discovered to be two years my junior. Kate introduced me to three
other young ladies — Katie, Candace and Sarah — my fellow staff writers. Ten minutes into my new job, it dawned on me: I am the only guy on a desk full of women. During years of being professionally molded by men, I floated the idea of such a scenario. Now, it’d come to fruition; I was finally surrounded by women in a professional environment. The twist of events tickled me, given the foreign territory. That excitement came with new sources of anxiety, as the reel of questions began to loop endlessly in my head:
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Will I relate to anybody? Will my coworkers be helpful? Will we get along? Will I like them at all? Or will I learn to like them, in sort of a Stockholm syndrome kind of way? While I won’t say I was intimidated, I approached my new position cautiously — as I did each of my previous employments. I was the new guy casually searching for my role on an already established desk. And the only guy. So, I remained fairly reticent those first few weeks, soaking in not only the daily routine of a writer, but also the personalities of my colleagues. Given my dry sense of humor — which toes the propriety line occasionally — I chose my words carefully during even the most casual of conversations. I didn’t want to make any undesirable impressions or step on any toes. It didn’t take long for me to discover that my co-workers were everything that I hoped they’d be: funny, charismatic, intelligent and professional. During the down time of a budget meeting, jokes flow easily, yet the ladies focus intently on each week’s tasks at hand.
And I eventually learned a lot about each of them. Candace is an incredibly talented writer who remains steady even when tasked with what many would consider to be an overwhelming amount of work. Katie — with whom I shared an abandoned office, secluded from the rest of the DN-R staff, during my first eight months on the job — is as ambitious as she is opinionated. I remain convinced that Sarah, who left the DN-R a few months ago when motherhood called, was a transplant from the Flower Power era of the late 1960s, given her free-spirited demeanor. She was always a sweetheart to me. Kate is probably the most down-toEarth, personable boss I’ve ever had, and I’m not just saying that because, inevitably, she’s going to edit this column. Most of my 24-year-old friends can barely tie their own shoes, let alone manage a group of writers just a couple years removed from college. She’s approachable whenever I have any questions or concerns related to the job, which is a huge luxury in this profession.
What people may not realize is that the four of us — including our newest addition, Hannah, and our editorial assistant, Mary Lou — are constantly juggling projects throughout the week. We conceptualize story ideas, scour for interview subjects and schedule photography sessions before we ever put pen to paper. We write a handful of stories and briefs throughout each week, the content of which must be up to the standards of both the DN-R and its readership. Some stories fall through, other stories come up mid-week. We lean on one another for advice and guidance. Often, if one of us is juggling an overwhelming amount of stories, another pick something up to lighten the proverbial load. I haven’t been accustomed to such camaraderie during any of my previous endeavors. These past 11 months have been a change of pace from what I used to think was the norm at a given workplace. Sure, I may be the only guy on the desk, but I don’t feel isolated. In fact, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Five ladies and a gent? I’ll take it.
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