April 4, 2019

THURSDAY, APRIL 4, 2019 VOL. CXXXV

THE TRULY INDEPENDENT SATIRE NEWSPAPER OF THE UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIA

NO. 1

FOUNDED 2008

Class of 2023 too young to remember moon landing One giant leap for moon landing skeptics SRINIVAS MANDYAM STEM Purist

CAMILLE RAPAY AND JESS TAN ELIAS RAPPAPORT Worked With Bob Casey

Statistics professor Dan Swanson was not shocked to learn that just 7.44% of applicants for the Class of 2023 were admitted to Penn. According to the professor, the number

aligns perfectly with his prediction that by 2050, Penn may not even admit a single member of the human species.

“If my calculations are correct, by 2022 Penn will admit just 6.9% (haha) of potential students,” Dr. Swanson said.

“This kind of exponential de-

cline will only speed up until 2033, when the Supreme Court, led by a cryogenically frozen but still kickin’ it Ruth Bader Ginsburg, will rule that universities must admit artificial intelligence.”

Dr. Swanson predicts that humans will eventually be re-

placed in universities by robots since, as he puts it, “God damn can those bots play a bitchin’ cello.”

When asked how Swanson can use statistics to come to such specific predictions about SEE ROBOTS PAGE 9

Freshman year feels like yesterday! One of the scariest parts of getting older is realizing that the world is steadily being filled with people who weren’t even around to experience the events so fundamental to our collective worldview.

Those who stride the halls of power in a few decades will be part of a different cultural dialogue. We can only pray that they will be mindful of the perspectives of those who lived their lives in a world long gone.

Remember the moon landing? Remember the awe with which we all beheld our grainy television screens as our celestial companion entered mankind’s provender?

Who could see the dusky mount of Armstrong on Mare Tranquillitatis and fail to know the apotheosis of our ancient dream of flight? Who then did not viscerally glean that four billion years of rocky sleep had come to close, that the hoarfrost of eonic passage could now be seen through a glass, darkly? That the Earth, so distant in fragility and so fragile in distance was now the shared stock of those who had transcended it at long last.

Yes, the tether of the land has been snapped thousandfold in the years since. But the frayed cord, made pathetic in

CHASE SUTTON

This is what the moon looks like.

abuse, can no longer command the same numen as did the clarion call of that first sundering.

The children of this second age will never know the realities of the first or the pathos of its end. When we greet the University’s two hundred sixty sixth class in the coming fall, we must be mindful of this.

The epoch of sand and stone has died its second, final, death as those who were raised in it are outnumbered by those who were not.

So when we find ourselves at student orientation, surrounded by wide eyes who have never seen the sun go down, we must accept that we have become card carrying citizens of a foreign land. We can try our best to connect with them, to sear the brand of that fateful summer from our hippocampi, but the dissonance imposed by time will make our connections short lived and empty.

Such is our lot, and such is our noble burden.

Feeling old?

Classical Studies major reads Oepidus Rex a little too late

Amy Gutmann declares candidacy for UA elections

Daddy is getting very, very nervous

Gutmann hopes to pad her resume before summer ‘19

CLAUDIA HOGAN Voluntary Incel

Sophomore Jake Spiegel had read all the classics – the Odyssey, the Iliad, the Odyssey again, excerpts from the Aeneid, and the Emily Wilson translation of the Odyssey. He claims that Homer is his favorite writer from antiquity, although Ovid and Vergil are quite good too. Unfortunately for Jake, he had managed to go through three and a half semesters of classes on ancient Greece and Rome without ever having read Oedipus Rex. More unfortunately for Jake, by the time that he had read it, he had already fucked his mom.

“O!” cried Jake when he read the infamous downfall of Oedipus the King in his Ancient Greek Theater recitation. “How fate mocks me, for I have never heard such cursed words. But yet, my father!

He lives!” Onlookers say that after several more minutes of heavy reliance on exclamation points, Spiegel

hastened out of class without even collecting his laptop or throwing out the rest of his teriyaki chicken bowl. T.A. Marianne Simpson reports that he will receive only partial credit for class participation.

When Spiegel showed up to lecture at 9 a.m. the next morning, classmates report him looking very weary and troubled, and also his eyes were gouged out. When questioned about the unprecedented class outburst, fellow Classics major Lisa Stranton said, “Yeah, he like didn’t wear glasses over the sockets or anything. It was pretty gross; I couldn’t stop looking at it.

I couldn’t get down any notes the whole class.”

Other students confirm being distracted by the empty sockets.

Classmate Peter Cronin adds that, “If he wanted to gouge his eyes out, he should have worn glasses or something. It’s just selfish. That said, I’m really glad I got to see the sockets. It was pretty gnarly.”

His T.A. Marianne remarked that she spent several grueling hours worrying that Spiegel may have gotten too interested in the

play. “If he thinks he’s going to get extra credit for sleeping with his mother and gouging his eyes out, he has something else coming.” Marianne lamented how difficult it was to keep control of her class when every time she assigned a passage to be read aloud, Spiegel would throw down a copy of his play and cry, “O, fate! To blind myself and only be able to hear my beloved Aeschylus through audiobooks and my own recitations! O, cruel fate!” before tearing apart the clothes on his back.

Jake Spiegel is currently in police custody for the alleged murder of his father, and he is a key suspect in the suicide of his mother, which the police rule to be under suspicious circumstances. He is set to be ruled in front of a jury of eleven land-owning men and one horse beloved by President Trump. Netflix and Hulu are both competing for the rights to his story, but they’re probably both going to make documentaries about it anyway.

It was a tragedy the likes of which had never been alluded to onstage in the darkest of Greek theater.

EDITORIAL | We live in a society

“What can we say? There is always a universal thread. We live in a society.” Under the Button Editorial Board.

PAGE 4

SPORTS | Penn knowingly paid Allen

Penn Athletics admited that former star Jerome Allen had been receiving money — called a salary in court documents — to coach men’s basketball.

BACKPAGE

KELLY MACGARRIGLE Icelandic Mountain Goat

In a surprise move, the President of the University of Pennsylvania has declared her candidacy for President of the Undergraduate Assembly for the 2019-2020 year. Amy Gutmann has served as the eighth President of the University, soon to be the longest serving president in the University’s tenure. She is also the Christopher H. Browne Distinguished Professor of Political Science and Professor of Communication in the Annenberg School.

Now, she wants to take on a position with real responsibility: student government.

With this bold and unprecedented move, Gutmann has added her name to the list of approximately 1,020 candidates already running for the UA, believing that she “might have a real shot at winning.”

ERIC ZENG

Gutmann pledges allegiance to liberty and justice under Jon M. Huntsman.

In a speech projected over the emergency broadcast system, she commanded students to vote for her, promising, “Of course this isn’t an absolutist, dictatorial consolidation of total power in a unilateral, monarch-like figure. Why would you think that? Is it because I am promising to remove all other members of the UA and rule alone once elected? That is for your own good, students.

For your own good.”

The broadcast included a brief overview of her platform, which focuses on “mon-

NEWS Starbucks under Commons to stop bullying customers

NEWS Penn Transit to add new direct bus route to Long Island

PAGE 3

PAGE 8

FOLLOW US @UNDERTHEBUTTON FOR THE LATEST UPDATES ONLINE AT UNDERTHEBUTTON.COM

etary infusions to this school, prosperity for the educational institution we all attend, and increasing the assists afforded to the fine institution of the University of Pennsylvania.”

Gutmann promises to implement this plan by charging all students in the College one hundred dollars per sheet of printing. She reportedly feels confident that taxing twothirds of the undergraduate student body won’t negatively affect her chances, since “it’s SEE GUTMANN PAGE 3

SEND TIPS TO TIP@UNDERTHEBUTTON.COM CONTACT US: 215-422-4640

2 FAKE NEWS

THURSDAY, APRIL 4, 2019

UNDERTHEBUTTON | UNDERTHEBUTTON.COM

Unused yoga mat has been sitting in woman’s apartment for years Your free week at CorePower is up SOPHIE TROTTO Enemy of Tristan Thompson

Upon first inspection, everything seems in its rightful place in College senior Andie Berks-Thompson's apartment.

Magnificent sets of str ing lights illuminate every ceiling, dozens of plastic succulents (real ones died) have been artfully placed, and gorgeous, similarly colored, but differently-patterned tapestries are delicately hung in each room.

However, there is one object that looks horrendously misplaced.

Coated in a substantial layer of dust, the Lululemon yoga mat she bought sophomore year rests desolately in the corner of her bedroom closet.

It has remained untouched for

the past two years — she last attempted to use it at home in November 2016, guided by a soothing Youtube instructional video on her 13” Macbook Air. Berks-Thompson still believes that the $68 piece of foam was a sound investment.

“Well, I mean, I’m definitely going to get around to it eventually,” remarked the senior, who will be graduating in 46 days.

“I’m just really busy right now.”

Not to mention, she will have “so much free time” after completing her final two courses at Penn, Beginning Sitar I and Craft of Prose.

Despite the fact that her mat has remained tightly bound for over 80 0 days, BerksThompson’s passion for and dedication to yoga is obvious.

She is even a self-described “master” of multiple poses: Shavasana, child’s pose, and breathing.

“Warrior II is still pretty tricky to me,” she humbly conceded, “but I think I’m gonna get the hang of it soon.”

Berks-Thompson is notably partial to hot yoga, an activity she cannot do at home because her landlord pretty much controls the temperature of her apartment. “I just love the feeling of my sweaty, clammy hands slipping and sliding around whenever I’m trying to do downward-facing dog,” she shared.

However, Berks-Thompson’s pa rents, Joseph Berks and Dave Thompson, appeared to feel differently when informed of the whole yoga mat situation.

“We’re disappointed, but not surprised,” said Berks. “She's exhibited this kind of behavior before. It took maybe a couple hours for Andie to completely abandon the Tamagotchi we

4207 Walnut St Philadelphia, PA 19104 BistroPerrier.com

215-222-4200 Tuesday - Saturday 5:30pm - 10:00pm

FILE PHOTO

Me, bending over backwards for him. Again.

bought her for her ninth birthday.”

“W hen we noticed Jojo [ Berk s-T hompson’s Ta m agotchi] being neglected, we couldn’t just let her die — so we’ve been taking care of her ever since,” added Thompson, motioning to the small

egg-shaped device currently attached to his belt loop. “It's definitely hard work; Jojo's a handful.”

The room fell silent for a moment.

“I have nightmares about t hat egg, to b e honest ,” c on fe ss e d Be rk s , v isibly

trembling.

Never t heless, hope may be on the horizon for their daughter: she says she is already “having active thoughts” about going to Pottruck for the second time this semester (she used the elliptical once in January).

Traditional French fare and tableside service, right around the corner.

Free on-site parking Full bar & wine list

Walnut Hill College DA I LY R O TAT I N G LU N C H M E N U MON-FRI: 11:00AM - 2:30PM

H AV E D E S S E RT AT

The Pastry Shop

WALNUTHILLCOLLEGE.EDU/THE-PASTRY-SHOP/

The Philosophy, Politics, and Economics Program presents

T H E 19 T H A N N U A L G O L D S T O N E F O R U M

HU L

E N MA

R E B I

M S I AL

12 P.M. - WEDNESDAYS IN APRIL

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN STATUE IN FRONT OF COLLEGE HALL APRIL

3 APRIL

10 APRIL THURSDAY APRIL 11, 2019 4:30 – 6 P.M. Arthur Ross Gallery Fisher Fine Arts Library 220 South 34th Street

17

Quayshawn Spencer

Robert S. Blank Presidential Associate Professor of Philosophy

What is Race in the USA?

Joseph Kable

Baird Term Professor of Psychology

Why We Quit

Sophia Rosenfeld

Walter H. Annenberg Professor of History

Truth or Consequences SPECIAL EARTH DAY EDITION

DEIRDRE MCCLOSKEY Distinguished Professor of Economics, History, English, and Communication, University of Illinois at Chicago

APRIL

22

Bethany Wiggin

Associate Professor of Germanic Languages and Literatures and Founding Director of Penn Program in Environmental Humanities

Pedagogy of the Climate Changed: Teaching and Learning With Water Are capitalism, globalization, and the middle class good for society?

Known internationally for her Bourgeois era book series, economist, historian, and critic, Deirdre McCloskey, will explore this question and others.

Deirdre McCloskey has written 16 books and hundreds of scholarly articles on topics ranging from technical economics and statistical theory to transgender advocacy and the ethics of the bourgeois virtues. Her next book, on humane liberalism, is due out soon.

APRIL

24

Rahul Mukherjee

Dick Wolf Assistant Professor of Television and New Media Studies and Assistant Professor of English

The ‘Global’ in Global TV Watch the livestream on Facebook or Twitter @PennSAS

FOR MORE INFORMATION VISIT WWW.SAS.UPENN.EDU/EVENTS/GOLDSTONE

Watch past lectures online at www.sas.upenn.edu/60second

UNDERTHEBUTTON.COM | UNDER THE BUTTON

FAKE NEWS 3

THURSDAY, APRIL 4, 2019

Britain uses last extension, next time will lose letter grade No more late days, no more excuses BECKY MOLINOFF Human Person

Oof, that’s gonna hurt. It’s only the beginning of April, and Britain has already used all of their extensions for the semester. The next time they fail to meet a deadline, their grade will go down by a full letter grade per late day. Considering the lengthy period that Britain had to complete the project, a full 1,009 days since it was assigned, it’s hard to be optimistic about their future timeliness. With heavy midterm

weeks, fling, and at least one mental breakdown in their future, Britain is looking at some tough deadlines before the semester is over.

We spoke with several Penn professors to get their thoughts on the matter. Professor Jeffrey Flannigan, who teaches Computer Science, said, “I think it’s pretty irresponsible of them to use their last extension on this assignment. From what I understand, they were given plenty of time to complete it before the deadline. The way Britain is acting reminds me of why I hate teaching undergrads.”

Writing Seminar professor Matilda Gregory expressed similar senti-

ments. “In my 45 years of being a professor, I’ve seen many students use up all their extensions too early.

I never thought that Britain would be one of them. You know, not all assignments have such lax deadline policies. As the country begins working on even higher-profile deals, they will have less and less wiggle room to work with,” she told us. “So, I anticipate that it’ll really fuck them up in the long term.”

So, where did it all go wrong?

We reached out to representatives from Britain to hear their take. In response to our inquiry, Prime Minister Theresa May did not shy away from blaming the other group mem-

bers. “I presented the group with so many different ideas, and they rejected all of them. Then, I suggested that we submit the project only partially finished, but they rejected that, too,” May lamented.

Other Brits seemed to agree on very little other than the fact that they blamed Theresa May. A member of the Labour party who preferred to remain anonymous said, “It’s all Theresa May’s fault. More like Theresa May NOT, am I right?”

A representative of the Conservative party agreed with her colleague from Labour: “I agree with my colleague from the Labour Party,” she offered.

Shy senior participates in class, takes day off Cadie Marshal finally speaks up LAUREN SORANTINO Trader Joe’s Vigilante

College senior Cadie Marshal recently participated in class and subsequently rewarded herself for her heroic actions with a full day of rest.

Prior to this occurrence, Marshal was the only student in her four-person playwriting seminar who had not spoken all semester. It is eight weeks into the semester.

Today, during hour two of her three-hour seminar, she finally broke her silence.

Prior to class, she had spent hours reading and re-reading the assigned work for the class – an obscure play titled Our Town. Forgoing an entire night of sleep, she anticipated potential discussion topics and planned thoughtful responses to each.

Despite this extensive preparation, it was not until two-thirds of the way into the discussion that Marshal finally mustered the courage to speak up.

“I literally blacked out for the first two hours of class because I was so deeply anxious about contributing to the conversation,” Marshal re-

ported.

By the time she spoke up, her comment about the theme of mother/daughter relations in Act I was completely irrelevant to the current discussion, which considered whether or not Grover’s Corners is the real star of Our Town.

The instructor of the seminar, professor Aleksnder Van Marc, was shocked when Marshal finally spoke up.

“Cadie Marshal is one of the shyest students I’ve ever encountered in my 20 years of teaching at Penn,” Van Marc reported. “It’s difficult to believe she has ever spoken, let alone has an interest in the performing arts in any capacity,” she added.

Though Van Marc appeared surprised by Marshal’s response, she was also visibly annoyed. Marshal’s response had unwittingly derailed the discussion and also prompted her classmate, College junior Josh Katz, to promote his web series, which he made with members of his fraternity.

“Similar to the question of whether or not Grover’s Corners is the real star of Our Town, our web series considers whether or not Brooklyn is a fifth character in our story,” Katz announced proudly in the middle of

“With the amount of self-care I’ve been practicing, I’ve decided to pursue a career as Glossier model,” Marshal said.

class discussion.

“As a class rule, we try to steer the discussion away from New York, male friendship, heartbreak, or literally any other topic Josh could relate back to his web series,” Van Marc explained.

Though the discussion was driven completely off-course, Marshal was still proud of herself. She decided her bravery warranted a period of radical self care. “Now that I’ve conquered my fear, I think it’s time for me to reward myself with a full day of rest,” Marshal said. “I honestly deserve it.”

Plans for her day of rest included skipping all of her classes, having brunch at a restaurant of her choice, purchasing three new pairs of shoes,

and indulging in a Netflix bender.

“There’s this new show called Russian Doll on Netflix I’ve been hearing about. But you probably haven’t heard of it,” Marshal reportedly told a source close to the student. “I think I might check it out.”

And check it out, she did. Marshal watched all of Russian Doll and reported feeling “eccentric” and “cultured” as a result.

“It really made me think about things like….time….and….relationships. Kind of like Our Town,” she related.

“I love Our Town. More people should know about this play,” Marshal added confidently. She has finally found her voice. Van Marc wishes she hadn’t.

Stommons to stop bullying customers Sticks and stones may break your bones SHOSHI WINTMAN Meth Addict

In an unprecedented policy change, Starbucks under commons has announced that they plan to stop bullying customers.

The change will be implemented beginning fall of 2019, but small changes will be made in the coming weeks to ease the transition. Beginning this week, Starbucks under Commons will cease directly mocking you by name before you leave the cash register — a policy that had some customers

feeling uncomfortable.

Further changes that will be implemented in the coming months include an end to public harassment when a customer misses the first call for their spinach and feta wrap, and reduced passive aggressiveness when customers ask for milk in their iced coffees.

A specific time table for the changes has not yet been rolled out, but manager Brian Porter says he is in no rush.

“I think consistency is really important when dealing with customers,” Porter reflected.

“We have an incredibly devoted client base who expects a certain style of service when they walk down that institutional

The Delta Chapter of Phi Beta Kappa will award the

Elmaleh Prize for an undergraduate essay in the Social Sciences, and the

Humanities Prize for an undergraduate essay in the Humanities.

The competition will be conducted by the Executive Committee and Electorial Board of Phi Beta Kappa, with judging by ad hoc committees. Essays, which can not be senior theses, may be submitted for consideration by faculty or by student authors.

The ad hoc committee may seek the opinion of other members of the faculty in evaluating entries.

One need not be a member of Phi Beta Kappa to submit an entry.

staircase into the café. We don’t want to scare them off by all of a sudden … I don’t know … assuming the best in them? Treating them with kindness? We’re trying to take things slow.”

Porter said the changes were prompted by orders from higher up, and that if it were up to him, Starbucks under Commons would keep its unique charm.

“Differentiating ourselves is what keeps the customers coming back,” said Porter. “It’s easy to think that people come back because we accept dining dollars or have table space. But, if you take the time to get to know the customers here, you quickly realize it’s the experience that’s

pulling people in. It’s the high of an honest interaction and the joy of having something to complain about. They really get off on that.”

One customer, Nursing junior Kelly Zhang, said she was excited for what the future of the new café standards had to offer. “I learned in one of my Nursing classes that being actively made fun of for ordering a drink with two flavors of syrup can be a real detriment to a person’s mental health. This policy change was probably the right move for campus.”

“Maybe now I’ll be able to use my reusable mug without feeling deep shame in who I am as a person.”

The Delta Chapter of Phi Beta Kappa Announces Five Annual Phi Beta Kappa

Prizes for Honors Theses Four Phi Beta Kappa Theses Prizes of $1000 each and the

Frederick W. Meier, Jr. Thesis Prize of $1000 The competition will be conducted by the Executive Committee and Electorial Board of Phi Beta Kappa, with judging by ad hoc committees.

Essays may be submitted for consideration by faculty or by student authors.

A written evaluation by the thesis advisor must be included with the nomination.

Students must submit two (2) copies of their thesis for review.

Each award will carry an

One need not be a member of Phi Beta Kappa to submit an entry.

The deadline for submission is

The deadline for submission is

Honorarium of $150 Wednesday May 1st

Wednesday May 1st

Essays should be submitted to:

Essays should be submitted to:

The College Office

The College Office

120 Claudia Cohen Hall, 249 South 36th Street

120 Claudia Cohen Hall, 249 South 36th Street

Becky took this picture on her semester abroad in London. Did you know Becky studied abroad? In London, in case you were wondering.

GUTMANN

>> FRONT PAGE

not like people actually vote in these things,” and “it literally takes like six, maybe seven votes to win.”

Gutmann was also spotted in the Quad supporting her campaign, paying someone else to write her slogan, “You get money. I get money. We all get money.

Money,” in chalk on the Locust Walk. She even made a rare appearance on campus, making a campaign stop in Perry World House and promising a selfie for every vote cast.

Per UA regulations, she stopped short of forcing people to vote with a computer, and instead stood behind them and stared at their screen as they hastily filled out their ballots, while whispering veiled threats such as “tuition hikes” and “defunding CAPS.” Several other candidates, who wished to remain unnamed so as to not have their tuition raised in retaliation, have questioned Gutmann’s qualifications. One

such individual, a junior also running for UA president, asked, “What exactly has she done to prepare for the hardcore, knock-out, dragdown, bare-knuckled, cruel, and also savage environment of collegiate governance?

Has she ever campaigned for completely unachievable goals that have zero chance of coming to fruition? Has she ever planned overly expensive events with ridiculously low turnout? Most importantly – where the hell is her Facebook profile picture frame?”

In the final hours of the election, Gutmann has planned to ramp up her campaign presence around campus. Reportedly, she has instructed police to stop students and demand to see their ballot before allowing entrance into important school buildings like Starbucks, Copa, and &pizza.

The punishment for voting against Gutmann is immediate expulsion from the University or execution, whichever would be “more shameful for your family.”

CLASS OF 2019 Questions about Commencement?

Information is available at:

www.upenn.edu/commencement or

(215) 573-GRAD 24 hours a day

Live music • Film • Dance • Theater Art Education • Community

Intricate Machines with Aizuri String Quartet

Apr 3, 2019 @ 7:30 PM Admission is $15 at the door Come see three rising NYC stars at The Rotunda!

The award-winning Aizuri Quartet will perform at The Rotunda as part of their Intricate Machines tour. The Aizuris show how exciting and vital the modern string quartet can be, and for those who love classical music and all of the contemporary arts, this is not a program to miss! For more details, see: www.imaizuri.com

Bad Sex and Other Problematic Analogies by Stephanie C. Kernisan

Apr 5, 2019 @ 8:00 PM Admission is $15 Alternatively titled “confessions of an unintentionally whitepassing, mixed, fat, queer, feminist, switchy witch.” Bad Sex explores heartache and healing with humor and humility. This show is part essay reading, part stand-up routine, part musical event written and performed by Stephanie C. Kernisan.

Philly BalkanFest 2019

Apr 7, 2019 @ 2:00 PM Tickets @ http://phillybalkanfest2019.bpt.me Announcing the first ever Philadelphia festival of Balkan music and culture! We have assembled a full program with events all afternoon, taking over the whole building with non-stop music performances in both the concert stage room and the spectacular dance hall beneath the great rotunda, plus food trucks, dance workshops, and more spanning the Balkan folk traditions, and beyond!

As an alcohol-free/smoke-free venue, The Rotunda provides an invaluable social alternative for all ages.

4014 Walnut • TheRotunda.org

4

OPINION

If Penn Actually Cared About Mental Health, the Jonas Brothers Would be Performing at Fling

THURSDAY APRIL 4, 2019 VOL. CXXXV, NO. 1 135th Year of Publication ELIZABETH BEUGG President NATALIA JOSEPH Handsome HUGHES RANSOM Garçon BECKY MOLINOFF Human Person LEA EISENSTEIN Respecter of The Pouch™ SETH FEIN Sensible

SOPHIE TROTTO

I

t’s no secret that mental health is a prominent issue on Penn’s campus. And in recent years, the administration has arguably taken active

steps to provide more mental wellness resources to the student body. Huntsman closing at 2 a.m.? Brilliant. Task force?

Life-changing. Forcing all sophomores to live on campus?

I’ve never heard of a better idea.

So imagine my complete and utter surprise when the Fling headliner was revealed, and it wasn’t even the Jonas Brothers.

It doesn’t take a genius to realize that having the Jo Bros perform at Fling would significantly increase the overall happiness of the undergraduate student body. It’s obvious that

serotonin levels rise exponentially when looking into Nick’s beautiful curls or Joe’s dreamy eyes.

I think it’s safe to say that the University really missed the mark here.

To be honest, I don’t understand how this could have happened. Is the Penn administration still mad about the fact that Joe dumped Taylor Swift in a 27-second phone call? Because I can promise that he’s grown since then.

Look, I know the recently reunited boy band is incredibly

famous, and probably expensive to bring to Fling, but the Jonas Brothers are worth every dime (and that includes the three dimes that would be onstage).

I’m sure that there’s a way that this can happen. Just fire every therapist from Counseling and Psychological Services and use the money you saved to purchase those three hotties. After Fling, it’s not like you’ll need CAPS, anyways. Once the Jo Bros perform, I can pretty much guarantee that there will no longer be any mental health issues on campus. Nick is so cute.

And hey, I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make this work. The mental wellness of the student body is extremely important to me. So, please, it is imperative that you check out my Change.org petition entitled “The Ability to Have the Jonas Brothers at Fling.”

Couldn’t you at least get one of the brothers to perform? I’ll even settle for Kevin.

SOPHIE TROTTO is wondering if Frankie Jonas is single ... asking for a friend tho.

SHOSHI WINTMAN Meth Addict SRINIVAS MANDYAM STEM Purist ADAM FIRST Escalator Fetish ANNA FIGHERA High

My Failures Don’t Define Me. That’s My Electric Skateboard’s Job

ANTHONY LAGANA Hummus Quality Assurance ARMAN MURPHY Mumps Patient Zero CLAUDIA HOGAN Voluntary Incel DAVID AKST Egg Health Truther ELEANOR STALICK Freshman ELIAS RAPPAPORT Worked With Bob Casey GRACE GINSBURG WilCaf Groupie IAN ONG Nug JAMES MORRISON Chad JACOB STONE Little Boy JON DIAMOND-REIVICH Boa Boy JONAH WEINBAUM Shoshi’s Friend JOSH OGUNLEYE Pastry Chef KELLY MACGARRIGLE Icelandic Mountain Goat

LAUREN BARON

W

hen I first stepped onto Penn’s campus three years ago, a narrative about my life started taking shape — but I felt like I had no control over it. Every club rejection, bad exam grade, broken snap streak, and stain on my once brilliantly white Stan Smiths felt like a hammer tapping away at the marble sculpture of my identity. Even when I did succeed at something, good moments felt like transient blips in my story, stringing my self-esteem along just enough to make me feel

PHOTO BY JESSE PALMER | CC BY 2.0

like I could take a risk again. Then, inevitably, I would fail. After countless trudges through this cycle, my failures stopped seeming like events and more like glimpses of who I truly was: a failure.

Sadly, I know this is not a unique phenomenon. In our high-pressure environment full of competition between people who used to be the best

and brightest around, it’s hard not to feel like you’re drowning. However, I’m lucky to have found something that separates me from this defeatist narrative: my one-horsepower, custom built, Boosted-Arbor camber decked longboard with a modular rechargeable battery and seamless integration with a handheld controlling system.

Since I started riding my futuristic platform of gliding excellence, I haven’t even come close to selfidentifying as a failure. I self-identify as goofy-footed. I self-identify as one of Nikola Tesla’s chosen few.

I self-identify as a descendent of Aladdin blessed by Hermes.

The sidewalk cracks that my peers scuff their shoes on? They don’t exist for me. Under my wheels, Penn’s streets are paved in gold. I duck and weave past potholes and missing bricks like they’re nothing more than my father’s disappointment or my transfer rejection from Stanford. No, I don’t wear a helmet. I don’t fear death anymore.

The fact that I haven’t learned to do an ollie has nothing to do with a lack of skill or the impracticalities of my board on uneven terrain. Obstacles I would have to ollie over are really just physical representations of my emotional obstacles, which were obliterated when I ascended to sk8 god status.

Some people think my slab of incomparable technological superiority is just a “fancier electric scooter.” At them, I scoff. Count my wheels: one, two, three, four. Two times the wheels, and two hundred times the clout. The scoot squad has nothing to do with my way of life.

See the handle that protrudes from their pathetically slim footboards?

It’s literally a crutch they rest on to compensate for their lack of perfectly calibrated balance and failure to construct their own identity through a bitchin’ set of wheels.

My mode of transportation – nay, translocational art form – allows me to transcend my failures, the broken technologies of the past, and of course, the traffic laws that govern bikes, cars, and pedestrians.

LAUREN BARON is being controlled like a hand puppet by the snake from Britney Spears’ “I’m a Slave 4 U” 2001 VMA performance.

LAUREN BARON Life-Sized Paper Mache Doll LAUREN SORANTINO Trader Joe’s Vigilante MACKENZIE LUKAS Bumble Ambassador CHARLIE SOSNICK Rick Bayless SAMMY GORDON Skinny SEYOUNG KIM Srinivas’s Friend SOPHIE TROTTO Enemy of Tristan Thompson SYDNEY GELMAN Anal Fister WILL HOOPER Misses Club Penguin

THIS ISSUE BEN ZHAO Bottom Bitch GILLIAN DIEBOLD Loves Greek... Food?

TAMSYN BRAN NJB Fanboy ALICE HEYEH Blue Smurf JESS TAN? Delete Her LOOSE SEAL FERRY Boat AVA CRUZ She Showed Up

I Didn’t Find a Subletter for the Summer, and Yes I am Giving Up

A

t Penn, we all love to hate the summer internship rush. It’s easy to criticize OCR and the constant worry over cover letters and resumes. Most Penn students are hell-bent on leaving Philadelphia for greener pastures in New York or San Francisco, but I can’t blame them — I’ll be making 4 figures in New York this summer.

The aspect of the internship rush that most at Penn don’t focus on is the hunt for a subletter. Yes, I have my job at BlackRock lined up, but I can’t even get excited about it while I’m still focused on finding a subletter. The process for finding someone to rent your room is toxic and competitive. So, this year, instead of feeding into the system, I’m giving up my search to find a subletter. I’m prepared to let my parents cover my two summer rents so that I can take a stand. You should too.

My parents said they’d be happy to front the rents as long as I act menschy to my little sister when I’m home in August. That is a price I’m

ANTHONY LAGANA

FILE PHOTO

willing to pay to shine a light on this problematic system.

You’d think the fact that I can snag a sick summer job where I’ll be making 4 (four) figures this summer, would help me find a subletter.

It doesn’t. While my impressive resume and knack for business has secured me a job in the Big Apple (New York City), it hasn’t helped me find someone to take my spacious, 1,500 square foot room off-

campus (Beige Block).

I looked hard, I really did. I texted my fraternity GroupMe, and asked my girlfriend to post in her sorority’s listserv. But guess what? Nobody, in both our social groups, is going to be in Philly over the summer. Strike one for Greek life, I guess. I even posted on Facebook, and offered to negotiate the price. Still no takers in my circle of friends! It was at this point that I started to despair. I knew

I had to make a choice. I could continue putting energy into the hunt to find a subletter, or, I could just not.

And I chose to just not.

It’s a shame, really, because I’d be willing to sublet for as little as $400 (my parents will cover the difference). But because I’m committed to dismantling the competitive environment at Penn, I’ve decided to simply take leave from the rat race.

No one is forcing me to find a sub-

letter, so why should I? It is time others took a stand with me. My parents told me “not to sweat it” since school is my “number one job right now,” and I think that’s pretty good advice for everyone. Finding a summer internship is stressful enough. Why tack on the extra burden of finding some rando to live in your pad for three months?

Just do what I did—give up— and trust me, it will all work out. It did for me, anyway.

ANTHONY LAGANA is interested in any internship for summer ‘19.

CHASE SUTTON Credit Hoe MARIA MURAD Blowout Qween #mariarmy ALEC DRUGGAN The Literal Worst THEODOROS PAPAZEKOS Banana Qween DANNY CHIARODIT Find Him on Hudl

Greek Life is Bad Because it Encourages Companionship, and That is Something I Can Live Without

MICHAEL LANDAU Champion Boat Racer WILL DiGRANDE Not Actually Grande ICE BEAR Hiroshi SAM MITCHELL I Speak For The Trees KATIE STEELE Copy Momma SARAH FORTINSKY Thought I’d Feature You :~) MADELEINE NGO Slack Master GIOVANNA PAZ Sexy

ELIZABETH BEUGG I wouldn’t be the first to comment on Greek life at Penn.

30% of Penn students are involved in a Greek organization.

On-campus, off-campus — quite frankly, it doesn’t matter.

Greek life is damaging this university. But drinking, pledging, and party culture have nothing to do with it. Greek life provides students with a network

of friends and acquaintances, and that is wrong. The cycle of companionship needs to be stopped because I don’t need it.

I know that students seek out Greek institutions to find support systems, but I, for one, don’t need that. I’m like Henry David Thoreau — Self-Reliance. If you find yourself stressed out and in need of help from your peers, you should probably just do what I do.

Run away from your problems and blame it all on your astrological sign. Classic Pisces.

People can be annoying

sometimes; why would you want to get tangled up in all that? Greek life forces you to

that puts you in the proximity of numerous living, breathing people? Every day I wake up and thank God that I do not have to talk to anyone besides my Google Home.

Evolution happened for a reason. Survival of the fittest. If someone tells you, “Helping others is helping yourself,” get the hell out of there.

Yes, I’m sure it’s nice to have people to talk to in your time of need. And yes, it feels good to help others and bond over common problems. And yes, it’s

Every day I wake up and thank God that I do not have to talk to anyone besides my Google Home.”

interact with humans, sometimes on a daily basis — and that is not okay. Why would you willingly join an organization

probably fun to gather in big groups to laugh and dance and smile... but we are not a pack of wolves. Fend for yourself.

I personally could never go through life with the herd mentality Greek life promotes.

People might ask me to share my snacks, and, in that situation, Greek life would be 100% to blame.

Greek organizations need to stop making false promises.

Friends forever? If I’ve learned one thing at Penn, it’s that we are born alone and we die alone. What is so hard to understand about that?

ELIZABETH BEUGG is allergic to milk, but only when she wants to be.

5

Editorial | We Live in a Society UNDER THE BUTTON EDITORIAL BOARD

I

n today’s social and political climate, it feels like nothing is guaranteed. At Penn, there are students from every state and over 100 countries. There are students who live on-campus, and students who live offcampus. There are students who walk, bike, and scooter. When you think about that, one thing is certain: We live in a society.

We have students who study English, students who study math, and students who don’t study at all. There are students with Fjall-

ravens and students with esoteric tote bags. Some students use BIC pens, some prefer Muji. Nothing wrong with that. That is a society.

We live in it.

People of Penn. Penn of people. Think. Penn is 52% female and 48% male. Online quick facts and figures have simplified it to that, which is problematic, but so is society. Can’t argue with that.

Some students at Penn like Copa, and some like Distrito.

Others like to goPuff 4Loko, and

that is their business. In the end, we all go to Smokes. What can we say? There is always a universal thread. We live in a society.

Whose society it is, that is hard to say. Mine? Yours? Theirs? As students, we belong to no one and everyone. We don’t answer to the man, but we answer our parents phone calls. Because we love them. And they pay our rent. What is ownership, really?

Like we said, only one thing is certain. We live in a society.

FILE PHOTO

I May Have Failed STAT 111 Freshman Spring, but I’m Still a Bad Bitch

L

ook: I’m a bad bitch. An extremely bad bitch. When I walk down the street I turn heads. People I walk past whisper to each other, “That is the baddest bitch I have ever seen,” just before they collapse onto the street, overwhelmed by my power.

But even as bad a bitch as I am, I mess up sometimes. I’m going to admit something to you, my beloved readers, that you certainly would not have expected: I failed STAT 111 freshman spring.

If you can’t believe how this could have happened to a bad bitch like me, it’s understandable. I’ll try to break it down for you.

I’m a bad bitch, obviously, but not a good-at-math bitch. I hadn’t taken math since junior year of high school, and since I took a gap year it had been two whole years since I’d had to remember any formulas or do any arithmetic whatsoever. I was the last bitch on earth who should have skipped every class after syllabus week. I bombed the midterm, and my passing the class totally hinged on the final exam, which I was not ready for at all.

Even though my grades were

FILE PHOTO

pretty much in the toilet, I convinced myself that I’d be able to cram in the week before it and pull off a miracle.

“I’m a bad bitch, I got this,” I would tell myself constantly, hoping that I would start to believe it if I repeated it enough. I believed the bad bitch part, obviously, because it’s practically a law of physics. Some curriculums have started to teach “Arman is the baddest bitch there is” alongside Newton’s laws of motions (it was only a matter of time).

But I wasn’t sure about the “I got

this” part. As the final drew nearer I started to realize, deep down, that I was probably screwed. And even that I might, maybe, hypothetically, not be the bad bitch I always thought I was.

Wow, that was hard to type.

I took the final. It was bad. Like, as bad as I am. I walked out of the exam, sat down on one of those benches by Van Pelt, and stared at my lap, blankly, for an hour. I’d had rough exams before, but this was unprecedented. I felt like a total, ab-

solute, abject failure. Not like a bad bitch at all.

Anyways, not to flex or anything, but I retook the class sophomore spring and got an A, and I’ve done well enough in my classes since that I’ve managed to salvage my GPA. But the F remains on my transcript.

It’s been two years now, and it still stings. I constantly worry that any recruiter looking at my grades will throw out my application immediately. “Is that an F? No way this guy is a bad bitch,” they’d say as

OPEN LATE & LATE NITE DELIVERY

they chuck my resume in the trash.

It’s April of my junior year, and I still haven’t found an internship for this summer. It’s hard to shake the feeling that my phat F is part of the reason why.

But I haven’t given up on my badbitchness.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that success in college determines future career success. Past that, it’s easy to feel like career success is equivalent to success in life.

Our generation is the least financially stable in decades. The stock market crash of 2008 weighs on us (even though we were like 10 when it happened) and we’re convinced that if we don’t get a high-paying job lined up senior year, we won’t be the bad bitches that we always thought we would be.

None of that is true. Life is about so much more than our grades or how much money we make after graduation — not that our grades determine how much money we make after graduation, no matter what we feel. Having a successful career is much more correlated to whether or not you are a philosophy major.

ARMAN MURPHY In the two years since I failed Stat 111, I’ve learned not to tie my self-worth to my academic or career success, and I’m convinced that’s why this semester has been my best at Penn so far. I’ve never been happier, and I’ve definitely never been badder.

I may not have found an internship for this summer yet, I may not have any idea what I want to do after graduation, and I may not have a perfect transcript, but I’ll be fine — and so will you. Because I’m an incredibly bad bitch, and you are too.

ARMAN MURPHY feeling lonely ladies please dm.

R O F G N I K O LO ?

K R O W E M I T-T R A P R O !

L L G U F N I R I H WE’RE UR LOCAL STORE CONTACT YOR DETAILS! FO

Domino’s

TM

SUN-THURS: 10AM - 2AM • FRI-SAT: 10AM - 4AM WE MAKE ORDERING EASY!

CALL DIRECT OR CHOOSE YOUR ONLINE OR MOBILE DEVICE Smart Phones

215-662-1400

4438 Chestnut St.

Tablets

215-557-0940 401 N. 21st St.

THURSDAY, APRIL 4, 2019

THEDP.COM | THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN

THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN | THEDP.COM

GET ON THE LIST! Sign up to be VIP for Fall 2020 availability. Plus, be the first to hear about our newest specials, giveaways and events.

EAT IN, TAKE OUT, & FAST DELIVERY

SCAN ME TO SEE MORE theradian.com

Yiros • Skewers • Salads • Desserts • Yogurt Bar 125 S. 40th Street Open 7 Days | 11AM - 10PM

www.yiro-yiro.com 267-778-YIRO (9476)

Pizza • Burgers • Salads • Wraps • Hoagies SUN-THURS 11AM - 10PM FRI & SAT 11AM - 11PM

pennlets.com

125 S 40th Street

DEVICE TRADE-IN PROGRAM

Best Margaritas, Burger, and Spanish Fries Since 1978

Hand out newspapers. Get money.

Save on the latest technology products when you trade in your older devices.

The Daily Pennsylvanian is hiring students to work in its circulation department. Distribute papers, manage the database, check rackboxes, place posters and earn $10 an hour.

Best Hap py Hour at Penn

SEE WHAT YOUR TRADE IS WORTH! www.upenn.edu/computerstore/tradein Prices, products, specifications and availability subject to change without notice. Valid PennCard required to determine purchasing eligibility. Printing errors/omissions are subject to our correction without notice. Call or visit the “About Us” portion of our webpage for other store policy & information. All pictured products, company names, brand names, trademarks, and logos are property of their respective owners. 02/22/2018

Contact Joy Ekasi-Otu at: ekasi-otu@theDP.com to schedule an interview

Only ONE 4 Bedroom and 2-3 Bedroom

Prices Recently Reduced

Pet Friendly!

Call today to schedule

left for next year!

a tour

Alpha Phi Chi Omega Apes OAX Penn Appetit The Walk SDT ZBT Tri Delt Phi Delt Delta Sigma Pi ZTA Alpha Iota Gamma

215.222.0222 ADPi

www.apartmentsatpenn.com

Alpha Kappa Psi

Friars

TRY OUR NEW

D E RY W E E K E N

Penn Appetit Penn Appetit ZBT

SOCIAL

Tri Delt

Wharton Europe

Wharton Asia Exchange

ZTA

Onda Latina

Pan Asian Dance

PIPAC Penn Masala W. Volleyball

Friars

Penn Period Proj.

Friars

Club Swimming

TAMID V-Day

Penn Debate Society Wharton Asia Exchange

214 S. 40th Street | HipCityVeg.com 214 S. 40th Street | HipCityVeg.com

Penn Period Penn Period Proj.

Proj.

OVER 80 APARTMENT LOCATIONS THROUGHOUT UNIVERSITY CITY

WPTP

all within 1-8 blocks of campus

Penn Hype

Strictly Funk Bloomers Bloomers

MERT

Wharton Women Class Boards ('19-'22)

This unbelievably juicy This unbelievably juicy This unbelievably juicy Smokehouse Burger Smokehouse Burger Smokehouse is made entirely of entirely ofBurger is made is made entirely of plants & it’splants right in & it’s right in plants & it’s right in University University City City University City

Humans of Humans of Penn Penn

V-Day

Wharton Women

Educational

MERT

Bloomers

Kite & Key Kite & Key

Counterparts Counterparts

What is the Penn Bracket Challenge?

Round 3 (16 groups) Wednesday, March 27 - Thursday, March 28 Voting opens at 2:00pm on Wednesday and closes at 11:59pm on Thursday.

Round 4 (8 groups) Monday, April 1 - Tuesday, April 2 Voting opens at 2:00pm on Monday and closes at 11:59pm on Tuesday.

Soundsworks Penn Sirens Simply Chaos Simply Chaos Counterparts Without a Net

Every year The Daily Pennsylvanian puts 64 student groups against each other in a March-Madness-Style competition.

Round 2 (32 groups) Monday, March 25 - Tuesday, March 26 Voting opens at 2:00pm on Monday and closes at 5:00pm on Tuesday.

Bloomers

Penn Dance Dischord Dischord Penny Loafers Mask and Wig Mask and Wig Mask and Wig PenNaach Shabbatones Shabbatones Simply Chaos

Kite & Key

Strictly Funk Bloomers

E YOUR PLAC HERE

West Philly Swingers

Counterparts TAC-e

#ucityyourplace

V

H

Performance

Penn Debate Society

Round 1 (64 groups) Monday, March 18 - Thursday, March 21 Voting opens at 2:00pm on Monday and closes at 11:59pm on Thursday.

2206 Washington Ave.

Penn Dhamaka

Penn Masala W. Volleyball

Eat Your Veggies Eat Your Veggies

M. Basketball

W. Volleyball

Alpha Iota Gamma

KDSAP

We Deliver!

(215)546-7301

Cultural W. Volleyball

Friars

College Dean's Adv. Brd. College Dean's Adv. Brd.

Springfield Beer Distributor

Onda Latina

OAX

ZTA

MERT

MUSE

Petey Greene

Onda Latina Onda Latina

MERT

Wharton Women

Kite & Key

Onda Latina

GPA

SWE MERT GBC Own It

1511 LOCUST STREET Class Boards ('19-'22) misconducttavern.com Penn Debate Society 215.732.5797 Quiz Bowl

crisp ipa with 3 different hops

OAX

Penn Hillel

WQHS Penn Hillel

ER

S IT Y IT Y

EV

OAX

Penn Dems

OU

SIN

@universitycityhousing

G 215.222.2000

THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME COURT universitycityhousing.com

ucity@uchweb.com

f Scwinn speedster

originally $399.99

Without a Net

university city 4040 locust street 10% to 50% off (215) 387-7433

Round 5 (4 groups) Wednesday, April 3 - Thursday, April 4 Voting opens at 2:00pm on Wednesday and closes at 11:59pm on Thursday.

Round 6 (2 groups) Monday, April 8 - Tuesday, April 9 Voting opens at 2:00pm on Monday and closes at 5:00pm on Tuesday.

Vote for your favorite at:

theDP.com/penn-bracket-2019 Winning group announced Thursday, April 11th in The Daily Pennsylvanian and receives a $500 BYO!

C

MON-FRI 4:30-7 PM

OAX

Penn Dems

Penn Dems

WINNER

GPA

happy hour

2019 PENN BRACKET CHALLENGE

Chi Omega

UN

Watch on 8 HDTVs

X

MARCH MADNESS

$9.99 Fajitas THURS 5-10PM

/DPpennlets

(at Walnut, across from Fresh Grocer)

4000 Spruce St. (215) 382-1330

Make Copa Your Home for...

NEWS 7

HAND -TOSSED, STONE-FIRED PIZZAS ARE JUST THE BEGINNING.

I

6 NEWS

store wide

save while in school! sale

4040 Locust Street (at the end of locust walk)

$299.99 (215) 387-7433

Students and Faculty get 10% OFF non-sale bicycles and accessories with valid school I.D.

@KeswickCycle

NEED STORAGE? One 2000 Hamilton St., Philadelphia, PA 19130 Tel: (215) 569-0732 Fax: (215 972-7040 www.philastorage.com manager@philastorage.com

• Indoor facilities • climate controlled units available

• enclosed loading dock • boxes & packing supplies • Safe and Secure Rooms

Located on the corner of 20th & Hamilton, one block south of 20th & Spring Garden, and two blocks north of the parkway.

Month

FREE with 3 months pre-paid rent

8 FAKE NEWS

THURSDAY, APRIL 4, 2019

UNDERTHEBUTTON | UNDERTHEBUTTON.COM

Penn Transit to add direct PennBus route to Long Island Making strides towards bursting the Penn Bubble LEA EISENSTEIN Respecter of The Pouch™

Penn Transportation and Parking Services announced yesterday that a PennBus route traveling directly to and from Long Island, New York will be added within the next month.

A representative from Penn Business Services reported that they reluctantly added the direct route due to overwhelming demand from individual students, on-campus groups, and extremely persistent Long Island parents.

“As much as we and our drivers would rather drive directly into the sun than travel to and from Long Island, we had to consider the transportation needs of the students, faculty, and staff who use our transit system,” explained the representative. “And unfortunately, that means making the long haul out to

the furthest reaches of the state of New York three times per day: morning, afternoon, and night.”

The decision has received a mixed response from students. “I mean, I guess that’s good for the three of my six roommates who are from Long Island,” offered Nursing senior Georgia Lansbury, “but I would have hoped they’d at least add a route to South Philly or Old City first.”

Other students had a more favorable reaction to the news. Engineering junior Johnny Ruggerio, a native of the North Shore of Long Island, is ecstatic about the new destination.

“I’ve never taken the PennBus before, but now that they actually have a useful route to #StrongIsland, I might consider it,” Ruggerio said.

“It’ll definitely be worth it for the food alone. I haven’t had a decent slice [of pizza] since I was home over winter break. You know, I’m a born-and-raised New Yorker,” he continued, even after the reporter

began to walk away from the interview, “and let me tell you, I take my pizza very seriously. Philly pizza is for shit. I won’t touch it.”

“It would also be nice to go home and see my mom,” Ruggerio added.

Besides creating more convenient transportation options for a large portion of Penn students, the new circuit is also expected to improve tourism in “the sixth borough of New York.” Linda CariniRosenbluth, a volunteer at a Long Island Visitor Center and mother of two current Penn students, believes the route will be a valuable resource even to Penn affiliates who are not from the island suburbs of New York.

“My son — he’s in the College, by the way, and very handsome, his name is Nathaniel — he tells me that everybody thinks Long Island is just the Hamptons,” CariniRosenbluth said. “But that’s actually not true. Long Island has much more to offer. For example, we

LUCY FERRY

have fabulous bagels, convenient access to Manhattan if you don’t mind traffic, a lively Mafia subculture, scenic 7-Eleven parking lots, about seven deer, plentiful doctors’ offices, and even Billy Joel!”

Although the University has

never released official statistics on what proportion of the student body hails from the island, several students we interviewed said that “it feels like at least a solid third,” and “definitely more than is needed.” Nonetheless, the PennBus will

serve a critical sector of the Penn population.

Until the new direct route is put into effect next month, Long Islanders at Penn will have to continue traveling via Amtrak Business Class, as they did previously.

Who’s got the

best burger in the city?

We Do! April 8|Gregory • April 9|Gregory • April 10|Harrison 7 PM

Van Pelt Cinema

7 PM

Van Pelt Cinema

7 PM

Heyer Sky Lounge

3601 MARKET STREET • 215.310.9828 • www.thecommonphl.com

NEED PROFESSIONAL CLOTHING? HERE IS HOW TO GET A PROFESSIONAL OUTFIT FOR FREE

1

Apply via Handshake with the necessary documentation: https://upenn. joinhandshake.com/ jobs/1894553/share_ preview

2

Wait for your approval email, which will include instructions for making an appointment via the Career Wardrobe portal

3

At your appointment, work with a professional clothing consultant and leave with a free professional outfit!

You will receive a full professional outfit, accessories, and shoes (if you find a pair that fit!)

UNDERTHEBUTTON.COM | UNDER THE BUTTON

FAKE NEWS 9

THURSDAY, APRIL 4, 2019

Largest applicant pool to date thanks to 44,960 naive fools “What, like it’s hard?�

JACOB STONE Little Boy

Elite colleges across the nation saw historically large application numbers this year and Penn is no exception. According to the Admissions Office, the Class of 2023 had the largest applicant pool in Penn’s history. Many attribute this to increasing competitiveness in college admissions and lower acceptance rates. Regardless, Penn has none other to thank than the 44,960 sweet summer children across the world who are sheltered from the harsh cruelties of the real world and think Penn would be the right choice for them.

Ha ha ha, I laugh. How verily foolish of them.

They think Penn is all hookups and beer pong. They think they are going to have a good time in one of the most excit-

ing cities in the country and on a campus with a thriving social scene and Greek life.

They think that just because they are adults on their own for the first time in their life that it’s going to be “fun.� Boy oh boy, do they have another think coming.

Penn is all-nighters in the library and railing Adderall for breakfast. Penn is spending 96 straight hours on a problem set just to get a B. Penn is intentionally giving your classmates an inaccurate study guide to boost the curve. It’s a fucking grind and it’s cutthroat at best. How cute it is that there are so many high schoolers out there who excelled in their graduating class of 300 people and think that they have what it takes to handle the immense workload and constant stress of Penn. Oh, wow, you got a 5 on the Microeconomics AP test?

Get in line, kid.

When asked how she plans to cope with the unending hell

that Penn is, Jenna Shelton, an incoming member of the Class of 2023, replied, “I’m honestly not too concerned about it. It’s actually very possible to strike a healthy balance between academics, social life, and personal wellness as long as you prioritize what ‌â€? but then the quote ends there because I stopped listening because she’s fucking wrong and stupid. How did she even get into Penn in the first place? Anyone with one iota of experience with the inferno people like Shelton cheerily call “UPennâ€? knows it is impossible to do anything other than perpetual labor here.

I envy the students who were rejected and will end up going to their state schools where they can continue being the smartest person in the room. To each of the 3,345 students who were accepted: Run while you still can. You are in over your head. Save yourself while you still can.

At press time, I, the writer of

FILE PHOTO

Amy Gutmann performs her annual stand-up routine in front of a captive audience of over 2,000 freshmen

this piece, was able to secure another extension on my paper. In retrospect, I redact the negative comments about the

University of Pennsylvania I inaccurately peppered into this piece, and I sincerely regret the error. In light of this new infor-

mation, I’d like to extend my congratulations to the incoming Class of 2023! Also, wanna do Sink or Swim tonight?

Controversial new research shows students test better if they study DAVID AKST Egg Health Truther

The results of a recent peerreviewed study, led by two Penn psychologists, are unequivocal: More studying means higher grades. The two variables were positively correlated with a p-value of less than .004, suggesting that the results could not be due to chance.

Over 800 subjects across the country spent two hours a day, twice a week, listening to lectures about feline drug addiction. After three weeks, they were tested on what they had learned. Subjects studied zero, one, three, five, or eight hours for their test. “It’s just incredibly clear, from our data, that studying notes and materials from lectures helps one recall relevant information when tested,�

Marth Kelemen said. “These conclusions support a lot of similar research. Why any student wouldn’t study is absolutely beyond me.�

Any amount of studying, the study shows, is likely to produce better results than taking

ROBOTS

>> FRONT PAGE

the future, he reminded UTB that he was the only one of his friends that said Trump was going to win and that his bracket still had three of the Final Four remaining. “I mean even Sybill Trelawney wouldn’t have had Zion going out in the Elite Eight, c’mon now,� Dr. Swanson said unprovoked. With these qualifications on his side, he continued to make predictions whilst rubbing both his temples.

President Amy Gutmann pushed back against the idea that Penn would eventually accept only a few top robots. “Look, the Perelmans and the Steinhardts will always have a place here at Penn,� Gutmann proudly said. “As to the others

the test without studying. “If, for example, you are very busy and you figure it isn’t worth studying because you only have an hour, so you just scroll your Instagram explore page instead,� Kelemen continued, “you are nearly guaranteed to do worse than if you had studied even for an hour.�

This new information ought to revolutionize the way people prepare for tests, but students aren’t buying it. “It just doesn’t make sense,� said Wharton junior Sam Brontley. “In fact, I think it’s wildly irresponsible to call this science. The natural conclusion of this study is that we are in control of our own test scores, which is clearly false.�

Engineering sophomore Lisa Tute was equally dubious. “If studying means better test scores, why does nobody do it?� she asked. “I think it’s possible that this stuff is only true for learning about drug addiction among cats, not more complex subjects like anatomy or accounting. So, it was a flawed study.�

Some students suggest that even if the research is true, there are better ways to improve test scores.

— well unless you can play the fiddle while you solve linear algebra problem sets, you might as well take your ass to Temple.

Some of those new robots are seriously bitchin’.�

Dr. Swanson has voiced concerns about the future he has predicted, but says he’d rather not focus on it right now. “I’m trying out mindfulness,� Swanson noted. “It’s all about staying in the moment, no matter what the impending terror is.�

While this news may be alarming to some, it is important to note that Penn is already a school of 10,605 above-average, overworked, unemotional robots. The school will become far more competitive by 2050, but the mental health of the student body is predicted to be stellar, eliminating the need for

“Adderall does the same thing and takes a lot less time to work,� offered College sophomore Evan Xin. “And it’s fun.� “My rich parents just threaten my instructors,� Wharton freshman Ivan Sandis admitted. “I know not everyone can do that, but it works for me.�

Opinions among professors interviewed for this story were unanimous: They already knew this, and assumed students did, too.

History professor Alan Silveran asked, “How else do you prepare for a test? Do students not study?� He looked incredulous.

Melissa Nopal, a psychologist at Yale, said that the hardest thing about psychological research is that it can be difficult to see the impact of your work. “Studying sucks and, honestly, is kind of nerdy,� she said. “There are so many other, cooler things you can do, like getting brunch, or smoking weed and watching YouTube videos, or searching for a high-paying job. It’s hard for students to accept that they should study more, let alone actually do it.�

CAPS. Gutmann has not explicitly announced what she will do with the extra funds she will have after closing down CAPS, but sources have suggested that, despite a future with only three enrolled students, she has plans for another dormitory.

Despite Dr. Swanson’s concerns, Wharton junior Dan Carrow is actually excited for the end of human enrollment at the university. “The more exclusive this school gets, the better it looks on my resume,� Carrow remarked. “We’re the school of the president, mad genius Elon Musk, mediocre pop star John Legend, and soon enough, three exceptional robots. We’re the school of all of them, and me.

That looks pretty good for my future job options.�

Welcome CLASS OF Exp.2/23/12 4/11/12 Exp.

2016

For Fast Delivery Call 215-386-1941

4004 chestnut street | (215) 386-1941

All You Can Eat Buffet For Fast Delivery 215-386-1941 EveryCall Day! Exp.2/23/12 4/11/12 Exp.

TAKE 15% OFF WITH THIS AD VALID UNTIL 4/30/19

LIZZY MACHIELSE

“If studying means better test scores, why does nobody do it?� said Engineering sophomore Lisa Tute.

SUDOKUPUZZLE

8 1

5

Skill Level:

6

Complete the grid so each row, column and 3-by-3 box (in bold borders) contains every digit 1 to 9.

1 4 2 5 3 7 6 1 2

Solution to Previous Puzzle:

9 3 5 8 4

9 4

Š Puzzles provided by sudokusolver.com

Did you know: sleeping makes you less tired?

3 The 9 New York Times Syndication Sales Corporation The New York Times Syndication Sales 620 Eighth Avenue, New York, N.Y.Corporation 10018 620For Eighth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10018 6 2 1 8 Information Call: 1-800-972-3550 For Information Call: 1-800-972-3550

Create and solve your Sudoku puzzles for FREE.

Play Sudoku and win prizes

The Sudoku Source of

NEWYORKTIMESCROSSWORDPUZZLE Edited by Will Shortz ACROSS

38

ACROSS

11 Crowd on formed the River that

move part of the

border between 6 Valuable paper East and West Germany the 14 Crossing 5 keel Cold and moist, as a cellar 15 It holds water 9 Brewery in the Nikkeijays 225 16 Blue 14 MGM symbol 18 “Watch out!�

15 Jannings who 19 Game won thewith first501 Best Actor Oscar points (1928) 20 ___ plate 16 Put in a crate 21 titlefor 17 Temple British term a row of houses 24 Bygone converted from compacts stables 26 bees 18 Honey Chess ending 19 “I Ί can see 30 20 clearly What’s gained now� or lost with daylight 31 Second-largest saving time Saturn 22 moon What aofpsychic may read to 32 Alternative 24 AOL Dublin’s land 25 Italian port on 33 Dry eyes the Adriatic Sea

Abbr. at a tire

29 Rope fiber shop 32 Deux + un 41 To boot 34 “Open ___ ‌â€?

42 Autobahn (store sign)auto 35 High Bronze coin in 46 seas the Harry Potter 51 Candy books bar with 36 chocolate Flight boardand caramel around posting, for short 37 aIs wafer obliged to 1/12 of a foot 52 of the 39 Tributary 40 Rio WhatGrande each set of shaded letters 53 Gandhi and in this puzzle others, for represents short 42 Entr’___ 54 Much of the 43 Challenge to a back bully of a 45 baseball Confuciancard philosophyof 57 Follower 46 debate Classic Chrysler in product the General 47 Assembly, “The ___ Club� in (1970s-’80s brief televangelist show) peas 59 Green 48 AA Bygone 63 and Apple AAA messenger 64 Farm refrain 50 Coagulates

ANSWER ANSWER TO TO PREVIOUS PREVIOUS PUZZLE PUZZLE PS RH OA

RT OO OD G FO

OL UO ZN OI

A W SO AR P M

UE PP PE EE D

S EO GU GS SA

O AU LS OT TS

GT OA TC C TT R SO I CE TL S O AD RT LO YF AA SG SE GY OL E US NE T

$2 beer special! $3 beer! shots! wine!

Welcome We Deliver!

B ED EA RN NA U TL SY

E N DU EG AL RY S

U S W S AT YE E PL E AB TU T W O O

CLASS OF

student discount with I.D. | order online @ newdelhiweb.com | closed mondays Exp.2/23/12 4/11/12 Exp.

For Fast Delivery Call 215-386-1941

HA EN RE O W N

S BK II R TA HS M H AT RO KN

AS GT AA RI

HP AO N M D M PE LI C K G SU

R D AE N N TD E S K S AE TR RR EI CR AA OI KL

A D S

M EI CA H O C O SE O Q U U A L

C D CS AI R N TG SL E S CA AU R N AT B S

S H CA A W M N P SI I P N ES R KI E N D H U D P

CA UL RI B G

A R BE EP LL

M M A Y D E EY

N O CS UT LU I B

Y N AZ M E RI B O

PT A R G E EX

LI AL II RE

Y N M O C V A A

G S N K A YT

E

65

Parts of tourist

51 View, as the future guides 53 ___ Reader 66 Jobs at a body 55 shop Biblical verb with “thou�

56 Not pay for each drink individually, DOWN say 1 Leon Urisbell novel, 60 Sorrowful with sound“The�

Old 632 Shortest Legal order 65 Testament Barn topper book over 663 Smooths Say hello to 674 Very, Religious informally setback?

5 Albert Einstein, 68 Emergency notably operation, for short 6 ‘L’ train 69 overseer, Raft-makingfor wood short 70 Any sacrament 717 Caterer’s Smooth sheet material container

Funny Foxx DOWN 9 Indian chief 1 “Tickle me� doll 10 Surface 2 Protection for a lender 11 Thunder, but 3 not RingLightning champ Riddick 12 Bleeps 4 Cover, as a knife 13 QB’s 5 Take exception to accumulation: something Abbr.

6 Liqueur whose 15 Nikola name isTesla’s Italian for “a little bitter� countrymen 7 Critical point?

17 ___ miss 8 Prefix with -mania 20 Not yet on the 9 sched.

Formally end 10 Without French river in 22 fierce W.W. I exception fighting 23 crisp 11 Like GreenaKnight’s picture, weapon insay “Sir Gawain and 25 Private info,the for Green Knight� short 12 What an “O�

27 “There for means inbut XOXO the grace of 13 Bitter beer, God briefly___�

28 21 Opus Shell’s ___ industry 8

2 2

3 3

4 4

5 5

14 14

15

16 17

17 18

6

6 7

7 8

10 10

11 11

12 12

13 13

26

27

25 28

44

45

58

59

19

21

20

22

21

22

24

19 23

23 25

27 30

24 28

31

32

30 35

29

33

34

31

32

36

33

39

39

40

46 47

34

35 40

61

36

48

55

49

56

42 46

63 66

67

65 69

70

PUZZLE BY RANDOLPH ROSS PUZZLE BY ALEX VRATSANOS

48

49

53

54

53 58

61 64

43 Lots of 38 Cluster around acorn 44 an Teacher’s punishment 41 Believer in nudism 45 Former Magazine no.

44 competitor of 47 Nikon Tough-to-win and Canon horse racing 49 Active conflict bet 50 Channel founded 48 by Certain Ted Turner intimate 52 Wastes gas, apparel maybe sizes 49 Traffic director 54 Student with a teacher 50 private Got back (to) 57 Kipling’s “Rikki55 Tikki-___�

Abound

43

50 50

57 56 60 63

62

29 Kick out for 23 Blue-blooded good Brit 34 Stone Real heel 26 face?

35 Clash Seat of White 27 with Pine County, 28 Tribal chiefs, Nev. typically 36 Economizes “Now!�

29 much 37 maybe China’stoo Chiang 30 God-given, ___-shek as abilities 38 Election fig.

31 Nurse, as a 39 newborn Unlikely source of a silk 33 Indian yogurt dip purse 36 Kicks out of the 40 game Mirror

37 42

41

52 55

38

45

52

54

37

41 44 47

51 51

59 60

9 9 16

18

38 43

8

15

20

26 29

“Daily Pennsylvanian�.

No. 0226 0228 No.

Edited by Will Shortz 1 1

at:

prizesudoku.com

For Release Thursday, April 4, 2019 For Release Tuesday, April 2, 2019

C Crossword rossword

57

65

64 66

62

68 71

56 Tegan and ___ 58 Obsessive about (pop duo) details

59 of call 58 Partner Andy Taylor’s

kid on old TV

60 C.I.A.’s Soviet counterpart 59

Keglers’ org.

61

Paris’s Jardin

61 Org. whose monthly 60 magazine Quick drink advertises magazines

___ Tuileries 62 Sushi bar fish 64 Upstate N.Y. 62 school Kind of pad

Online subscriptions: subscriptions: Today’s Today’s puzzle puzzle and and more morethan than7,000 7,000past past Online puzzles, nytimes.com/crosswords nytimes.com/crosswords ($39.95 ($39.95 aayear). year). puzzles, Read about about and and comment comment on on each each puzzle: puzzle: nytimes.com/wordplay. nytimes.com/wordplay.

Read

10 SPORTS

THURSDAY, APRIL 4, 2019

THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN | THEDP.COM

Ivy League announces expanded 14-game basketball tourneys BOOOO | Robin Harris says change helps all eight teams THEODOROS PAPAZEKOS Wait Is That A Greek Name?

The Ivy League announced a new format for its popular basketball tournaments on Wednesday.

“As one of the nation’s most popular athletic conferences, the Ivy League is proud to continue to be an innovator in the game of basketball,” Ivy League Executive Director Robin Harris said in a press conference announcing the change. “The popularity of the last tournament at Yale got us thinking: How can we ensure a great hashtag IvyMadness experience for more of our eight teams?”

Harris indicated that the new tournament format will prevent the pesky two-, three-, four-, five-, and six-way tiebreaker scenarios that have plagued the conference in the four-team tournament era. Now, every team will make it to postseason

play.

“We saw how much more exciting the regular season became when we instituted the four-team tournament a few years ago, and we thought, ‘Fuck it. Let’s let in all eight teams and see what happens,’” Harris said. “This makes the regular season just that much more important.”

The new format will see each of the Ancient Eight’s teams play a 14-game double roundrobin tournament hosted at campus sites.

“The Ivy League, as you know, has eight fantastic arenas,” Harris said. “Each of our gyms is nationally renowned for its history and tradition; we’re confident that NBA stars like LeBron James will jump at the opportunity to host charity games up at Dartmouth. With such great — and equal — arenas, we felt like we needed to balance out the games between all eight sites.”

Initially, the Ivy League was set to announce a mere sevengame tournament, but that idea caused controversy within the conference and a key group of

head coaches. The DP learned that pressure from Princeton women’s coach Courtney Banghart and Harvard men’s coach Tommy Amaker led to the change to the double roundrobin format.

“Some of our coaches, and they know who they are, insisted that playing the games at certain gyms caused a homecourt advantage, and of course, we can’t have that. Imagine the controversy if one of the eight great destinations the League has to offer — like Ithaca — only got to host three games instead of four,” Harris said.

The solution was a schedule where each team played its conference foes twice, once at home and once away. The tournament will take place on six weekends in February and March with two games being played on weekend afternoons against each team’s closest geographical neighbor, either at 3:30 p.m., 4:00 p.m., or 7 p.m.

To accommodate this, the regular season will be begin in September, and each team will play significantly fewer nonconference games.

ALEC DRUGGAN

The Ivy League is proud to announce the latest in smart and good decisions they’ve made concerning the Ivy Baskeball Tournaments: a 14-game double round-robin tournament hosted at campus sites.

Each game will be played while the host school is away for spring break to maximize student excitement and attendance.

“I love the change,” Penn men’s coach Steve Donahue said. “I think it allows our guys the chance to play a lot more really good college basketball

games. I think it gives us more space to schedule the superior opponents in the Ivy League.

The Big 5 was a waste of our time, to be honest with you.”

BREAKING: Coach Priore announces Ryan Glover was starting QB in 2018 FOOTBALL | Nick Robinson was unaware he didn’t start DANNY CHIARODIT Wishes He Went To USC

Finally, after almost a year of contemplation, Penn football coach Ray Priore has chosen a starting quarterback for the 2018 season.

Even though the season ended last November, Priore felt that it was important to formally announce what everyone already knew — that sophomore Ryan Glover had started more games than junior Nick Robinson.

The Daily Pennsylvanian caught up with Priore on the team’s recent trip to China, where the Quakers played a Chinese middle school team and were forced to go to triple overtime to seal the victory.

After the game, one of our reporters talked one-on-one with the coach about the 2018 sea-

ALEC DRUGGAN

A full four months after the football season ended, coach Ray Priore announced that sophomore Ryan Glover was the starting quarterback in 2018. This news came as a shock to junior backup quarterback Nick Robinson.

son, particularly about why he had waited until now to admit that Glover had been QB1 all along.

“Well, you know, the thing is, you gotta consider that, when you’re in this type of situation, it’s important to note

that, when thinking about these things, it’s not the easiest thing, because both guys can throw the football, and they both have arms, and you know, it’s a tough decision, and I think both guys are great,” Priore said.

Besides the inability of

Column: I’m a Penn athlete, and I will accept money in cash, Venmo, or Bitcoin PAY ME | As a Penn athlete, my Venmo DMs are open

I fell asleep, he said, ‘You are the starting quarterback for Penn football,’ over and over again. After that, I was convinced that I was the starter.”

When asked about Robinson, Glover did not hold anything back. In fact, it felt like he was channelling Stephen A. Smith.

“This man is a bonafide scrub. He can’t play,” Glover said. “No disrespect whatsoever, but this man cannot play the game of football. He has small hands, he can’t throw the ball. He’s got bad feet, he can’t really move. Even though he’s mobile, doesn’t really know what he’s doing.”

Considering how much drama was involved in the 2018 quarterback controversy, it’s not too early to look ahead to 2019. While Priore didn’t confirm anything, sources say that the frontrunner for next season’s starting job is an incoming recruit from Westchester, N.Y. whose high school may or may not have a football team.

Jerome Allen was bribed $300,000, is still the lowest-paid Wharton grad FINANCE | If only he had gone into consulting

L’CARPETRON DOOKMARRIOT Florida Atlantic University

SOPHIE TROTTO Not Jonathan Pollack

There’s been a lot of talk recently about whether or not the NCAA should pay studentathletes. And while some of my fellow athletes don’t want to be paid, I disagree. I mean, forreal, it’s not like I’m gonna say no to some free money….

To my fellow athletes: stop asking things like “have we actually made the University revenue?” and “when will my dad come back home?” If the NCAA is thinking about paying us: Don’t. Question. It. And to the NCAA: if you’re looking for someone to test out this whole paying-athletes thing — I’m available. Like, really, I am. It’s the offseason so I have a ton of free time on my hands.

Also, I’m single.

In fact, let me just give you my Venmo handle right now: it’s @I_Use_This_To_Pay_My_ Dealer. What’s yours? I can Venmo charge you if that’s easier.

Don’t get me wrong, I wanna be flexible about this. If Venmo doesn’t work for you, I can accept payment in many different forms.

Want to stuff an envelope full of cash and hand it to me on the way to practice? Sounds great to me.

If you would prefer to wire money into an offshore bank account, I’m open to it. I have Paypal, Apple Pay, Facebook Pay, Google Wallet… I even had SnapCash

Priore to give a coherent answer, there was another strange feature of the interview with him. It seemed as though there was a donor in Priore’s ear during the whole interview.

We’re not certain, but we are pretty sure that Ronald Perel-

man had actually shrunk in size — à la Ant-Man — and was giving Priore orders from the inside of his right inner ear.

What exactly he was saying to Priore is unclear, but they must not have been kind words, as by the end of the interview, Priore was sobbing in the fetal position on the Great Wall of China.

As for the quarterbacks themselves, Glover and Robinson are no longer on speaking terms since Priore’s announcement of the 2018 starter. Robinson was convinced that he had been the starter throughout the whole season even though Glover had started every game.

The reason for Robinson’s confusion is likely a result of Priore’s famous hypnotization technique, which he uses on players who may become disgruntled.

“What he did was, he dangled a piece of pepperoni pizza in front of my face until I went to sleep,” Robinson explained while blushing. “And then once

After nationwide scrutiny, a controversial Wharton graduate has finally released his 2015 tax returns: Jerome Allen.

We were one of the first publications to get an exclusive look.

Following a careful and thoughtful examination and review, we concluded that most of the documents were pretty boring and confusing to read, to be honest. However, one piece of information stood out.

Under “gross income,” Allen reported a mere $278,000.

According to a representa-

tive to the Wharton school, that makes him the lowest-paid Wharton graduate “by far,” and that “even the kids who aren’t working for a big three consulting firm are making more bank.”

Unsurprisingly, it appears that he made an undisclosed amount of money by “coaching basketball not as well as Steve Donahue.” An additional $300,000 came from “getting bribed lmao hope the FBI doesn’t see this.”

However, the current Boston Celtics assistant coach notably lost over $80,000 of his earnings to something called “Postmates” (more investigation to come).

Allen did not respond to multiple requests for comment about how this must be highkey embarrassing. However, his answering machine does say, “Sorry I can’t get to the phone

right now … I’m kind of on my way to prison.”

The release of Allen’s tax returns comes at a contentious time for institutions of higher learning in regards to the admissions practices.

In an email to the DP, Penn Athletics said they are testing all student-athletes to make sure they’re actually athletic enough to be Division I athletes. The tests require all athletes to touch their head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes.

Although almost all of Penn’s athletes have “sufficiently passed,” anonymous sources indicate that Penn men’s basketball’s AJ Brodeur cannot touch his toes.

“The future of Penn Athletics looks bright,” said Penn Athletics Director M. Grace Calhoun, “I don’t see any corruption in our future.”

AVA CRUZ

back in the day.

Oh, and I also accept Bitcoin!

The People’s currency.

Honestly, I’ll even take payment in the form of Wawa gift cards. Or even actual Wawa hoagies. if you want to just deliver me a hoagie every day as compensation for my athletic achievements, I won’t turn you down. However you decide to pay me, the important thing is that it’s your choice.

At the end of the day, does it matter what sport I play? All I want — nay, need — is some money in my pocket. And I’ll take it in any way you’re willing to give it: cash, Venmo, some

fresh pairs of kicks, Bitcoin, a 2011 Nissan Altima, a Spotify premium account, really cute unicorn stickers, whatever.

A friend of mine at Louisville was telling me that they get all types of cool stuff all the time. All they had to do was win a national championship and they’d get whatever they wanted. Ladies of the Night! Like…

I’m not asking for all that, all you need to do is hit me up on Venmo one time. Or Paypal.

Like I said, whatever works.

I just need some pocket money.

So thank u in advance :)

ALEC DRUGGAN

THEDP.COM | THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN

Rowing finally reaches shore Team hadn’t realized they were allowed to do that “BIG” WILL DiGRANDE Grande Where It Counts

At long last, they’ve finally done it.

History was made this past Saturday as a boat from Penn women’s rowing finally reached the far shore of the Schuylkill River, putting an end to the decades-long debate on whether it was possible to fully cross the brackish waters. It’s still being determined whether the river’s current — experts reported that it was “like, basically nothing” earlier that morning — was a factor in this momentous feat.

In front of a record showing of 11 family members of the rowing team, the boat took only 115 minutes to cross the ‘Kill, the length of a decent romantic comedy. It finally hit the riverbank with a jolt that sent the distant crowd into a muted applause that the rowers couldn’t hear.

“Yeah I’m not really sure what happened,” said Walter James, a spectator who was walking his adorable dog nearby at the time.

The onlookers may not have appreciated the gravity of what occurred, but the rowers surely won’t forget writing their names in the history books anytime soon.

“We’ve been training for this moment for so long,” junior

SCANDAL

>> BACKPAGE

to Penn Athletics for comment on the Bowman revelation, the Department declined to touch on any of the specifics, instead sending the same statement it had sent earlier, with two sentences added.

SPORTS 11

THURSDAY, APRIL 4, 2019

ALEC DRUGGAN

Look, sometimes the current is really strong and the boat is really hard to turn ok. These oars are really heavy man, I bet you didn’t know that.

Dominica Williams said. “In our last few runs, we came so close. Nothing will ever match the feeling of our boat finally slamming into land.”

“I’m just so proud of the guys,” coach Wesley Ng echoed. “Reaching land is a goal we’ve had for decades now, and honestly I’m not sure what we’re going to do now. I guess beating Princeton is always a good thing to strive for, though. But I don’t want to get carried away.”

With the women’s team making program history, Penn’s other rowing programs will look to follow suit, but they face their own specific challenges.

The heavyweight team might have additional strength, but has previously only made it a little more than halfway

“Until Jerome’s testimony on Monday, we also were unaware that Ira Bowman was paid any money to coach basketball at Penn. We actually don’t know the names of anyone who coaches for us,” read the addition to Penn’s statement.

No one knows when Brnd’s investigation will conclude, but we

across the river before its boat collapsed under the team’s weight.

None of the heavyweight rowers or coaches could be reached for comment after the lightweights’ achievement, but heavyweight coach Geoff Bond introduced a measure to the NCAA allowing for inflatable rafts to be used in place of the traditional wooden boat.

Readers may recall the brush with glory Penn women’s rowing had last year, when it seemed like the team’s boat would achieve the impossible and make it across the murky river. However, rather than staying in the Philadelphia area, the team found themselves stranded far downriver in the Delaware Bay by the time the rowers realized what was going on.

do know that he will find that Allen acted completely alone, with no wrongdoing from anyone involved in the Penn Athletics administration. In the meantime, Penn Athletics is facing another public relations debacle at the hands of Jerome Allen, and this one might be even more serious than the first.

MONEY MOVES >> BACKPAGE

ful jump, something strange happened.

“I felt something fall on my forehead, and at first I just assumed it was a leaf,” Clarke said. “But then I felt it again, and I looked down and there were dollar bills on the ground.”

At this year’s Penn Challenge, Clarke was in for a surprise when he arrived to a sold-out Franklin Field crowd, the first in its history. There were reportedly thousands of fans with pockets full of dollar bills ready to show their appreciation for Clarke’s work.

“I was stunned. I couldn’t

believe it. I have never seen so many people at Franklin Field before,” Clarke said. “Seeing people actually sitting on both sides of the stadium was surreal. I didn’t think it could be done.”

Clarke placed first on the pole, but more importantly, he collected over $1,000 from the fans. The money shower began while he was still mid-jump, with everyone wanting to be the first to give Clarke their money. His hair was flying as he jumped and fresh dollar bills rained from the sky.

With his money, he plans on buying a textbook for the fall semester.

Most players around the NCAA are happy that at least one athlete is finally being re-

warded for his performance and dedication. However, there are some who are jealous of Clarke’s compensation.

“It’s unbelievable! I can’t even get a decent pair of sneakers, but this track guy from Penn State gets all of this money,” Duke freshman forward Zion Williamson said.

The event will be broadcast across all eight ESPN networks and the ESPN app in English, Spanish, and Mandarin.

Clarke will receive none of the broadcast revenue, but experts predict that he will receive almost $24,000 from his pole work. That is still not enough to cover a third of his tuition, but he is happy just to be able to represent Penn — on the pole.

HOUSE OF FAITH MINISTRIES PA, INC. (WORLD MISSIONS CHURCH)

Join us for SUNDAY WORSHIP SERVICE Homewood Suites University City 4109 Walnut St., Philadelphia, PA 19

10:30 AM - 12:45 PM

Jesus said to him,“I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me”.

John 14:6 (NKJV) ADDRESS Homewood Suites University City 4109 Walnut St

WEBSITE www.hofmpa.org

CONTACT Rev. Dr. Andrew Ankamah 267-540-3392

HA P P Y HOUR

monday-thursday 4:00 pm

20% off all cold pressed juices Perelman Center 3400 Civic Center Blvd Philadelphia, PA 19104

(215) 386-1350 http://www.kitchengia.com/ PattayaRestaruant.com | 215.387.8533 4006 Chestnut Street

Dine-in, Catering & Delivery

Happy Hour: Mon-Fri 5-7 Lunch Special: Mon-Fri $9.95 Early Bird: Sun-Thur $11.95

Delicious Food. Great Drinks.

Perfect Location 33rd & Chestnut 215.398.1874 coopphilly.com @co.opphilly.com

THURSDAY, APRIL 4, 2019 VOL. CXXXV

NO. 22

DPOSTM THE TRULY INDEPENDENT SATIRE NEWSPAPER OF THE UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIA

Track’s Sean Clarke making money moves

FOUNDED 1885

SCANDAL: Penn admits it paid Jerome Allen to coach men’s basketball Penn Athletics declines to comment on specifics MICHAEL LANDAU Now Accepting Bribes

ALEC DRUGGAN

POLE VAULT | Junior’s skills said to get him all the ladies TYIRA BUNCHE Mets Fan With Hope

Amidst much recent discussion on the topic of student athlete compensation, one Penn athlete is happy to finally be receiving monetary compensation for his work on the pole.

Within just one short year,

Penn track junior pole vaulter Sean Clarke has become the envy of the entire NCAA. Clarke’s skill and ability with the pole has led to fans showering him with dollar bills at the end of his jumps.

For Clarke, it all started at last year’s Penn Relays, when he placed first in the pole vault in front of the Franklin Field onlookers. After his successSEE MONEY MOVES PAGE 11

Jerome Allen admitted to accepting payments from Penn Athletics for six years to “coach Penn men’s basketball” in Miami federal court on Monday.

The revelation came in the late stages of the trial of Philip Esformes, who bribed Allen in order to get his son admitted to Penn, but didn’t need to pay as much money as as Lori Loughlin did.

Monday’s news, however, will likely embroil Penn Athletics in an even greater scandal, as the motivation behind paying Allen to coach any basketball team for six years is much more mysterious than any situation Penn has faced in recent memory.

“We were extremely disappointed to learn that Jerome Allen accepted something called a ‘salary’ to coach Penn men’s basketball and concealed that conduct from the Athletics Department and University administration,” University of Pennsylvania T. Gibbs Kane, Jr. W’69 Director of Athletics and Recreation Dr. M. Grace Calhoun said in a statement.

“The University has been cooperating fully with the NCAA so that the matter is appropriately redressed.”

Penn also announced that it would be launching an internal investigation into Allen’s conduct. That process will be

led by outside consultant Jim Brnd, who will join Chuck Smrt on a team of investigators with strange, vowel-less last names.

Allen, who is now somehow an assistant coach for the Boston Celtics in the NBA, testified that he hid the truth about some of his actions during his 65-104 stint at Penn.

“I lied,” Allen said. “I knew that if it got back to the University of Pennsylvania that I was coaching their basketball team, I would be fired. Everyone knew I had no business being there.”

According to William Morris, a sports law attorney and NCAA rules “expert” who was maybe a little too excited to talk to the DP, the Allen case has no precedent in college athletics.

Typically, schools only pay coaches who are capable of leading a team, and when they don’t, those coaches only receive money for a year or two.

“I can’t recall another case where this would happen,” Morris said. “This really adds a whole new tentacle to the Allen situation. Bribery isn’t all that unusual. But this? Scandalous.”

While it had been alleged earlier in the year that Allen had received payments from Penn Athletics, it was also shockingly revealed on Monday that Ira Bowman had been paid by the University to serve as an assistant coach for the men’s basketball program.

When the DP reached out SEE SCANDAL PAGE 11

ALEC DRUGGAN

AVA CRUZ & ARI STONBERG & ALEC DRUGGAN

Former Penn men’s basketball star and known acceptor of bribes Jerome Allen also accepted money from Penn to coach.

Dean Eric Furda’s son to ‘row crew’ for Red and Blue next season BRIBES | Jimmy Furda has no idea what an erg is JESS MIXON Future Back Surgery Patient

It was a happy and entirely expected day for the Furda family last Thursday when Jimmy Furda got his admissions letter confirming his spot in the Penn Class of 2023. The young Furda and eight other guys who probably have some great definition from using those rowing machines will make up the class of incoming freshman heavyweight rowing recruits.

Although we’re not entirely sure how one gets recruited in the sport of rowing (is that the one with the boats?), we’re sure legacy Jimmy Furda earned his spot on the team. After all, his dad didn’t major in International Relations at Penn so that his kids would have to join a sport

to get in!

An academic and athletic superstar, Jimmy was happy to help prop up the team’s Academic Index.

“Hey, Dad. Do you happen to know like, the minimum SAT score I would need to get recruited? No reason why I’m asking haha I’m just curious,” Jimbo was recorded saying in late October of last year.

The admissions office declined to comment.

However, we did learn that Dean Eric Furda, Penn’s Dean of Admissions and Jim’s father, was reportedly not supportive of his son’s decision to row crew. Instead, he wanted Jimmy to follow in his footsteps and pursue the only sport more irrelevant than crew: sprint football.

The process also provided a new experience for the younger Furda: a glimmer of self doubt.

“Now that it’s official, I feel

ALEC DRUGGAN

Little Jimmy Furda, seen here rowing with his brothers Jonathan, Jamie, Johnny, Jackie, James, Joseph, Jack, and coxswain Dean. The Furdas all definitely earned their spots on the rowing team.

such a sense of relief. When I received my likely letter from the admissions office, I started to stress. Likely is so … uncertain. All my life, daddy has told me I was guaranteed!” Jimmy said.

But lil’ Jimmy Furda knew

FOLLOW US @UNDERTHEBUTTON FOR THE LATEST UPDATES ONLINE AT UNDERTHEBUTTON.COM

that he was destined to be a member of Penn’s crew team.

“Ever since I learned photoshop and googled what an erg was, I had a pretty good feeling about things.”

Jimmy can’t wait to graduate from Wharton in 2023 and

is thrilled that he is getting into college athletics at such an opportune time.

“If my future Wharton education has taught me anything, it’s that college athletes, no matter their commitment or skill level, should be paid. This

debate is so silly,” Jimmy said.

Truly a budding businessman at heart, Furda is pretty sure he got in on his own.

“Dean Furda told me that his friends in the admissions office thought I was a perfect fit for Wharton as soon as they read my essay about my plans to launch a YouTube channel once I get to Penn. Honestly I can’t blame them. How could they resist such entrepreneurial spirit?” said little Furda, a genius, superstar athlete, and media influencer.

Penn Athletics truly is blessed to have such an allstar student-athlete (note that the student comes first!) joining its ranks. We can only hope that with such amazing genes, the Furda family can provide yet another all-star in two years when Furda’s daughter heads off to college. We hear the women’s team is always looking for coxswains!

SEND REAL STORY IDEAS TO DPSPORTS@THEDP.COM CONTACT US: 215-422-4640