April 1, 2021

THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2021

JOKE ISSUE BY UNDERTHEBUTTON.COM THE INDEPENDENT SATIRE NEWSPAPER OF THE UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIA

VOL. CXXXVII NO. 10

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Penn announces vaccine rollout, prioritizes the attractive and wealthy

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Phase 2

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First in line will be the upstanding brothers of Zeta Beta Tau, an organization universally acknowledged for housing some of the most attractive individuals on campus. Many can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that these boys are once again eligible for dating. The Board of Trustees claimed that as “total hotties,” these boys are in dire need of some sweet 5G juice. Other fraternities will follow in their lead, selected for eligibility based on their standing in the vibrant online community of Greekrank.

Legacy students will also be prioritized in the first phase of Penn’s vaccination campaign. Suffering from a pre-existing condition of being “loaded,” legacy students will be afforded protection from the virus to ensure their wealth remains within family hands. However, due to the countless number of unqualified, mentally unsophisticated legacy students

on campus, certain criteria will differentiate them according to relative need.

University representatives stated legacy students whose “dads are someone important” will receive the vaccine first, while the children of professors (poor) will have to wait until Phase One ends.

Despite being “uglier” than the brothers of ZBT and a mere millionaire — laughable when compared to the vast fortunes of some legacy students — President Biden will also be included in Phase One. Although we are unsure of what duties the president has and whether the Capitol Building and the White House are separate structures, our reporters have been assured that President Biden does indeed perform certain roles one might characterize as “important.” These roles include — though are not limited to — facilitating the upward transfer of wealth to the ruling class.

Although our resident health experts assure us that no athlete is in direct risk of contracting severe COVID-19, University officials pity athletes, given their sole purpose at this university is cheap entertainment. Normal years rarely feature victories for our student-athletes, so the University felt it was only fitting that they “got their win” this time.

Not to mention that we miss the sight of their beefy, developed calf muscles

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Phase 3

Phase 1

MEGAN STRIFF-CAVE & SCOTT NEWMAN Senior culture and politics correspondents

strutting towards Franklin Field.

Remember that kid who avoided eye contact on Locust but friended you on LinkedIn the next day? Yeah, we thought so, and he’s getting the vaccine during Phase Two. His networking skills have languished in the absence of any meaningful social interaction, and we’re sure he will optimize his vaccine in a way none of us could ever imagine. He may be a dick, but he will have several boats.

The third phase will see the majority of campus receiving the vaccine. It is worth noting that by this phase, the remaining shots will likely be AstraZeneca, stored in three refrigerators found in the decrepit depths of 1920 Commons. The Board of Trustees “does not really see this being a huge issue,” given their apparent absence of concern for the student body’s well-being throughout the pandemic.

Sororities will receive the vaccine during this phase, though only after each fraternity member has been administered their second dose. Anticipating criticism characterizing this move as “sexist” and “discriminatory against women,” the Board of Trustees responded, saying that “the University’s president is actually a woman, so how can we be sexist?”

Other groups included in the third phase are Wharton consulting clubs with ridiculous acronyms, Benjamin Franklin Scholars (because we’re still not quite sure what they actually do), Engineering students who are cute but don’t necessarily realize it, and weird Engineering students who should probably use this opportunity to work on their hygiene anyway. Despite having no demonstrated need to meet in person, student arts groups who have performed via Zoom will also receive the vaccine to spare others from the immense pain generated by their silly little shows.

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... Phase 18 Any individual who has ever written for or been associated with the student publication Under the Button will be barred from ever receiving the COVID-19 vaccine. CDC guidelines state that individuals suffering from severe mental illness should not take the vaccine, excluding the UTB writing staff until at least 2022. Nursing students will have their vaccines extracted from their bloodstreams to provide surplus doses for ZBT members.

Advocates for the West Philadelphia community have

admonished Penn for its inability to prevent outbreaks within its student body — outbreaks that threaten the safety and well-being of the community’s residents. However, Gutmann herself made it a point to reassert the fact she simply “DGAF,” and that Penn students will be receiving the vaccine anyway. While the vaccine rollout plan will not satisfy everyone, the Board of Trustees spent a whole 10 minutes figuring this out, and it is hoping that it will do the job.

GRAPHIC BY ISABEL LIANG

For the Class of 2024, some fear virginities may never be lost

To keep dorm names consistent, Quad renamed to ‘Prehistoric College House’

There may never be a chance to retrieve these experiences that the first-year class has lost

Hill House anticipated to be renamed ‘Brick’

CLAUDIA HOGAN Absentee Grandma

DARRION CHEN Monkey Brain

For many incoming first years, losing their virginity seems like a rite of passage before the college experience can really begin. Some make pacts with their buddies to lose it during their senior year of high school and, if the plot of my raunchy YA rom-com is to be believed, instead end up falling in love with their buddy after losing their virginity to the coolest kid in school.

PHOTO BY HEINZ COLLEGE / CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

Some make agreements with their roommate to lose it during New Student Orientation and, again, if the plot of the darker, more mature sequel to my raunchy YA rom-com is to be believed, instead end up falling in love with their roommate after a positive but ultimately directionless, slightly suspicious experience with their

residential advisor.

However, after losing the end of their senior year of high school and the beginning of their first year of college, there’s a thought on many minds: Now, when will they ever get the chance to lose their virginities? And, more importantly, when will they realize that they’ve been in love with the friend who has been under their noses the entire time?

There may never be a chance to retrieve these experiences that the first-year class has lost. Opportunities to lose your virginity only become scarcer with age, and opportunities to fall in love with your long-suffering, patiently waiting best friend become almost nonexistent.

I still haven’t gotten any declarations of love from my first-year best friend, and I had a standard first-year experience, so I can’t imagine it happening for any of you. Or maybe it will, because you don’t get to interact with anyone other than each other, so when the campus reopens fully, you’ll both stew quietly in your possessive jealousy until you admit that you never wanted social interaction with anyone other than each other all along.

I smell a threequel.

Exploitative and generally inaccurate college romance movies aside, the idea that one may never lose their virginity is terrifying. I mean, I assume. I wouldn’t be trying to pitch romantic comedies about 18-year-olds if I had a very good understanding of the human experience. Just go forth, young virgins, and remember that however you end up losing your virginities and/or falling in love with your best friends, I would very much like to make a movie about your experience. And I’ll make it so fricking quirky.

After months using the same old toys, many Philadelphia residents are itching to try something new from Pleasure Chest’s new deluxe package.

PAGE 9

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Penn’s commencement interferes with students’ Bora Bora plans

With the impending opening of New College House West, Penn Residential Services has decided to rename the Quad to “Prehistoric College House South.”

As the new descriptive name implies, the Quadrangle dorm building was built with sticks and stones before the invention of language and writing. This explains why the building’s hallways and rooms do not follow any building codes, sanitary codes, or common sense.

As history progressed, many affiliates of Penn found it appropriate to give large sums of money to the school so that they could carve their name into the prehistoric building. Normally, it is bad juju to carve names into objects without their permission, but Penn has turned a blind eye in order to fill their coffers. Over the course of history, the Prehistoric College House South has accumulated over five names, including Rodney, Speakman, and Coxe. Despite its prehistoric origins, the college

WATCHMIKE , EDITS BY DARRION CHEN / CC BY-SA 3.0

NEWS PAGE 2

PENNCARD DATA BREACH EXPOSES HOOKUP CULTURE

house has mostly withstood the test of time.

The renaming scheme was received well by the Penn student body. Many students were happy to put an end to the confusing name.

“I am excited by this change,” said freshman Kurt Hoenikker. “I was always confused by the Quad’s name.

Yes, the Quad has four sides, but so does Hill. I remember in my first week on campus, I would go home to the Quad, but I kept accidentally going to Hill because it was the first four-sided building I saw.”

Penn Residential Services is also considering renaming all dorm buildings. For instance, Hill College House may be renamed to Brick.

“We should definitely rename Hill,” said Penn Residential Services spokesperson Trout Orwell. “It’s not a fucking hill. Why call it Hill when it is clearly a brick.”

Penn Residential Services released a preliminary list of names that are being considered for each college house.

Hill: Brick Rodin: Tall Green T Harrison: Tall Red T Harnwell: Tall Yellow T Lauder: Beeeg Hallways Kings Court English: Prehistoric College House North Stouffer: Wawa Sansom: Where The Fuck #1 Gregory: Where The Fuck #2 Du Bois: Where The Fuck #3

NEWS PAGE 10

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2 NEWS

THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2021

Massive PennCard data breach reveals details of Penn hookup culture

THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN | THEDP.COM

Resumé leaked from the guy who landed the Goldman Sachs internship

Students have mixed reactions to new ‘Locust Lust’ platform LEO ADAMS Lion Expert

On Wednesday afternoon, Penn’s Office of Information Security held a virtual press conference to provide details about the recent hack of the University’s central computer servers.

Asked about the extent of the hack, University spokesperson Ann Parker said, “We were fortunate that the recent attack on our systems did not compromise students’ sensitive health or academic data.

However, the hackers were able to gain access to a data warehouse containing PennCard data dating back to Jan. 01, 2017.

Pressed for details, Parker continued, “The breached warehouse included millions of PennCard transaction records from across the University.”

Parker explained that a “transaction record” includes the student’s name, class year, assigned college house, PennCard number, portal entered, date of transaction, and precise time in a 24-hour/ minute/second format. A sample recorded obtained

by The Daily Pennsylvanian read: “Peter Holcomb; 2024; Hill, 27584639; Upper Quad Gate Portal #2; 3/25/2021; 18:27:31.”

After Penn missed the deadline to pay the $17.40 ransom the hackers were demanding for safe return of the stolen data, the hackers posted the full stolen database on the dark web. Students were quick to make sense of the massive data set, employing their statistical knowledge.

Engineering junior Richard Haskell, a CIS major and TA for CIS 450: “Databases and Information Systems,” has been working day and night to reveal the data’s hidden insights. “I’ve constructed a machine-learning algorithm that sifts through the data to identify pattern connections between PennCard holders. For example, my algorithm highlighted that Wharton first year Zac Carter and College first yearHannah Moore have swiped into the Upper Quad gate within 10 seconds of one another between the hours of 22:00:00 and midnight for three consecutive Saturday nights.”

Haskell realized that this was unlikely to be a random coincidence because Moore is a resident of Hill College House. Further exploration revealed that on each of the three nights in question, the next time Moore’s card was used was to swipe into Hill between the hours of 07:00:00 and 09:00:00 Sunday morning.

Puzzled by what this pattern may imply, Haskell turned to his friend Wharton junior David Messer, a statistics concentrator and self-proclaimed frat star.

“Based on my model, there’s a 98.7% chance that Zac and Hannah are hooking up,” Messer explained. “I mean, come on, the only thing that would make it 100% certain is security camera footage from Spruce Street that shows them holding hands as they make their way from frat row back to the Quad.

The DP reached out to Penn public safety officer and head of the campus surveillance center — known to University insiders as “The Eagle’s Nest” — Steven Collins, who confirmed that Moore and Carter have

indeed been spotted holding hands on the nights in question. “Our cameras usually pick them up around Allegro Pizza at 40th Street, already strolling hand in hand. I lost a bet to one of the other officers last Saturday about whether or not they would stop in Wawa for water.”

Penn Labs has partnered with Haskell and Messer to develop Locust Lust, a user-friendly website that enables students to search the name of any PennCard holder and view their probable hook-ups.

The DP reached out to Penn Labs’ Chair of External Affairs and Engineering sophomore Michelle Wan for comment on the new website. Wan said “This is the most heavily trafficked website we’ve ever built.

Locust Lust has been handling hundreds of queries per hour since we launched. Even Penn Course Review doesn’t have these kinds of numbers.”

Student reaction to the Locust Lust platform has been mixed. Some students feel as though the platform is an egregious violation of their privacy, but others have welcomed the platform as a useful tool in determining if their friends are lying to them.

College sophomore Sabrina Banfield said that her

“Our internal analysis basically confirmed what we all suspected anyway: Our undergrads are a bunch of nerds who lack the social skills necessary to engage in any sort of romantic encounter.” friend College sophomore Madison Hayden has been denying that she’s been hooking up with Bradly from Phi Sigma Upsilon for weeks, but Locust Lust confirmed the group chat’s suspicions: there’s a 97.4% chance Brad and Maddie are a thing. “Even though she could do so much better, I don’t even care that she’s hooking up with Brad,” Banfield said. “I just wish she’d stop lying to our group chat. We all know it’s true, we just want her to admit it. Like, sisters before misters, am I right?”

Under the condition of anonymity, a University official explained that the University’s own exploration of the data has revealed few surprises. “Our internal analysis basically confirmed what we all suspected anyway: Our undergrads are a bunch of nerds who lack the social skills necessary to engage in any sort of romantic encounter.”

JULIA ELLIS Monkey With a Typewriter

CHAD F. DANIELS (372) 128 2986 | hotchad@wharton.upenn.edu | 3333 Walnut St., Philadelphia, PA

EDUCATION:

LANGUAGES:

University of Pennsylvania, Philadelphia, PA

Fluent in frat boy, Conversational in English

Anticipated Graduation: May 2022 Honors/Awards: Second-best bong ripper in my frat, 99+ Tinder likes, definitely not a virgin, was hazed for two years instead of the usual one year Certifications: 400 years of experience with Microsoft Excel, certified pussy magnet, mostly literate, Capricorn

FUN FACTS: Has daddy’s money, desperately in need of therapy (but will never go), considering getting an American flag tattoo

EXPERIENCE: Anal Champ (2019-Present) - Saved the frat party from dying out by butt-chugging two beers shortly before shitting myself in front of 32 people -Team player: Took it prison style up the ass without a complaint four times during hazing -Since the hazing, has found and followed a burning passion for being pegged and dominated by women Neighborhood Drug Dealer (2018-2020) - Independently created, marketed, and managed a small, local drug dealing business with entrepreneurial spirit - Developed supply chain, selling everything from weed to several hard substances to a large clientele ranging from Penn students to addicts - Created a successful marketing strategy of selling outside a Narcotics Anonymous meeting Anger-Management Issues (2014-2020) - Lead the creative demolition of my room by punching 12 holes into each wall over the course of two weeks - Blames others for the consequences of my actions until they apologize - Participated in and won a drunken street fight at 3 a.m. outside Allegro Pizza.

- Used my privilege to prevent myself from getting arrested - Promise that I have changed my ways!

Republican (1999-Present) - Launched a protest against masks attended by 300 people — 267 of whom got COVID-19 (promoting herd immunity and, therefore, community health) - Voted for Trump in 2016 and 2020 - Lacks empathy towards others - Stormed the capital on Jan. 6. Took every lightbulb out of the Senate chamber.

THEDP.COM | THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN

NEWS 3

THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2021

Penn to erect campus’ first sex dungeon Penn administrators joined together Thursday morning for a ribbon-cutting ceremony to officially kick off the construction MIKAYLA GOLUB Random Hot Girl

Penn administrators and city leaders joined together Thursday morning, April 1, 2021, for a ribbon-cutting ceremony to officially kick off the construction of the campus’ first sex dungeon.

Due to COVID-19, there were limited in-person attendees for the kick-off event. President Amy Gutmann cut the rope alongside Ronald Perelman.

The facility will be named the Perelman Sex Dungeon to honor Ronald and Jeffrey Perelman’s generous donations to the project. The Perelman family has a long philanthropic relationship with the University, giving their name to the Perelman School of Medicine, Perelman Quadrangle, and Perelman Center for Political Science and Economics.

“I already have a sex dungeon at home, but it’ll be great to have one closer to work,” David L. Cohen, chair of the Board of Trustees, said.

After the rope-cutting, there was a virtual ceremony. The Zoom event was attended by every single Penn student, especially the virgins, the entire Penn faculty, the Board of Trustees, the mayor of Philadelphia, Jim Kenney, the Philadelphia BDSM community, every students’ family and extended family, and the President of the United States, Joe Biden.

Gutmann, Mercedes Owens, president of the Undergraduate Assembly, Jessica Furry, president of Penn Doms, and Rev. Charles L. Howard, University chaplain and vice president for social equity and community, all gave virtual speeches honoring the momentous construction project.

At their last meeting, the Board of Trustees’ Budget and Finance Committee approved a resolution authorizing the University to spend $3 billion on the campus’ first Sex Dungeon. The construction will begin later this week. The project is estimated to take over two years to complete and is projected to open in fall 2024.

“I already have a sex dungeon at home, but it’ll be great to have one closer to work,” David L. Cohen, chair of the Board of Trustees, said.

DARRION CHEN

The sex dungeon will feature state-of-the-art sex equipment, including fuck benches, bondage tables, sex swings, and dog cages.

Penn also announced construction to expand the LOVE sign and in the surrounding area. men’s bathrooms and designated smoking areas Fences will temporarily block access to and on campus for “chillers.” around the statue. Penn is taking advantage of The Students Sustainability Association at the current remote semester to undergo this conPenn presented a proposal for an urban farm on struction project without disturbing students. campus that’s proven to extract and use almost Given the excitement around the project, the all of Philadelphia’s carbon emissions. They esti- University released the blueprints for the Perelmated that project would cost only $50. However, man Sex Dungeon. the resolution did not pass due to limited funds The Perelman Sex Dungeon will offer inresulting from the expensive sex dungeon that dustry-standard dog cages, fuck benches, sex had just been approved before SSAP’s presenta- swings, and bondage tables. tion.

An equipment checkout area will allow stuHowever, there have been no reported com- dents to borrow and buy supplies such as lube, plaints or backlash from the student body knee pads, condoms, rubber masks of various regarding allocating funds to the sex dungeon.

C-list celebrities, furry costumes, padded leather “I think I say this for the whole student body wrist cuffs, padded leather ankle cuffs, handwhen I say I’m really really excited to see Sa- cuffs (both with fur and without fur), collars, mantha Litenwood’s boobs,” Jacob Li, president gags, blindfolds, adjustable spreader bars, straitof Penn Virgins Against Abstinence, said. jackets, head harnesses, muzzles, and duct tape.

The 35,000-square-foot, one-floor sex dunDue to the construction timeline and its progeon will be located underneath the LOVE sign jected opening in 2024, the University has not in collaboration with Student Health Service’s released plans for COVID-19 risks associated “No Glove, No Love” campaign. Students and with a sex dungeon. faculty will be able to access the facility through The Perelman Sex Dungeon will include a a manhole. silent study area. Wharton students can book and “Before, the area underneath the LOVE sign utilize a separate GSR. was dead space. Now, we’re turning it into a There will also be a Starbucks located in the state-of-the-art sex dungeon. Penn once again Perelman Sex Dungeon. This will be the sixth continues to pave the way for innovation and Starbucks near Penn’s campus. This location will progress,” Gutmann said in a released statement. not accept dining dollars.

Construction trailers will soon be placed by The facility will be designed by Bohlin

+

Cywinski Jackson, the architectural firm that also designed Lauder College House and New College House West.

As part of a University effort to increase student art around campus, Penn has committed to feature student art in the Perelman Sex Dungeon.

The 2024 Class Board organized an art competition, and the winner will have their art displayed in the dungeon. The competition results were announced early Thursday, April 1, in coordination with the kick-off event. Ten thousand students submitted works of art for the competition.

“Timothy from high school texted me and was like, ‘Hey! You should submit those drawings you always used to doodle in science class.’

And then I responded like, ‘OMG, haven’t heard from you in like six years! Ummm … idkkk if I’ll submit them. I’ve been told they make people nauseous and uncomfortable.’ But he immediately responded and said, ‘Isn’t all art supposed to do make people nauseous and uncomfortable?’

And he’s so right! So, I went straight home from the park where I was transcending and grabbed one of the many, many BDSM-inspired art pieces hanging on my wall, scanned it, and submitted it to the competition! I had never even heard of Penn before, but they said I get to try the fuck benches, so that’s sick,” Jennifer O’Dear, a 31-year-old from Dallas and the winner of the 2024 Class Board art competition, said in her acceptance speech.

In anticipation of the Perelman Sex Dungeon, the Fine Arts & Design Department is offering a new class titled “Choke Me Daddy: BDSM in Art and Culture” this upcoming fall 2021. Students will learn about the history of BDSM and its relationship to the city of Philadelphia.

“If the students that enroll in FNAR 69 can take what they learn in the classroom and apply it in the outside world, like in the Perelman Sex Dungeon, then I have succeeded as an educator, artist, and lover,” Jeffrey Myers, instructor of the new class “Choke Me Daddy: BDSM in Art and Culture,” said. “I’m just excited for Faculty Friday at the Perelman Sex Dungeon.”

The Perelman Sex Dungeon will be the first sex dungeon to be officially built on a university campus. Brown is set to follow suit, with their construction to launch over the summer.

“The Perelman Sex Dungeon will help students and faculty reconnect and heal as we move forward in an eventual post-pandemic world,” Chief Wellness Officer Benoit Dubé said in a statement.

The University has cited “wellness” as the primary motivation behind the project. After the University’s Lexipro mandate, a campus-wide study reported that students’ libidos had decreased by 99%.

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OPINION THURSDAY APRIL 1, 2021 VOL. CXXXVII, NO. 10 137th Year of Publication DANE GREISIGER President ASHLEY AHN Executive Editor JAMES MORRISON UTB Editor-in-Chief ISABEL LIANG Design Editor SCOTT NEWMAN Senior Editor MEGAN STRIFF-CAVE Senior Editor GRACE GINSBURG Managing Editor ALICIA LOPEZ Audience Engagement Editor BRITTANY DARROW Copy Editor KYLIE COOPER Photo Editor ALFREDO PRATICÒ Opinion Editor SUNNY JANG Audience Engagement Editor JOSEPH ELSTON Video Editor

ALESSANDRA PINTADO-URBANC Business Manager JASPER HUANG Analytics Manager GREG FERREY Marketing Manager EMILY CHEN Product Lab Manager ERIC HOANG Consulting Manager

THIS ISSUE ALANA KELLY DP Design Editor MAX MESTER News Photo Editor ANA GLASSMAN Opinion Photo Editor VARUN SARASWATHULA Deputy Opinion Editor SARIKA RAU Deputy Copy Editor CAROLINE DONNELLY-MORAN Deputy Copy Editor

Penn students, start misusing your privilege more

EDITORIAL

Uh oh, it’s the joke issue!

JAMES MORRISON

T

he Daily Pennsylvanian’s annual joke issue has a long and storied history, of which another chapter has been written with this latest issue. Every year around this time, tradition dictates that the DP forfeits its rights to its news products, giving Under the Button full reign to wreak havoc on campus with a massive disinformation campaign (and maybe a joke or two).

Although the DP used to publish a gag issue on or about April Fool’s Day, the issue was moved to Washington’s birthday in 1962.

Through a series of haphazard and random events, the DP has settled on a time loosely referred to as “sometime in March or April, or whenever we remember to do it.”

So how did this tradition begin? In 1962, the DP was led by the now-celebrated Melvin Goldstein. “Magnificent Melvin” (yes, they called him that) decided to liberate the traditionally all-male newspaper by adding a few women to staff. Not to be outdone, the rival Pennsylvania News — a weekly newspaper published by female undergraduates — decided that it, too, would go co-ed and invited men to join the paper.

The News got more than it bargained for. The very next day, Feb. 22, Goldstein and his staff produced their own Pennsylvania News, mocking the News’s frivolous style.

But Goldstein didn’t stop there. He came for the student government next. In those days, the Men’s Student Government (the sexes were separated there, as well) was run by two rival political parties, the Union and the Red and the Blue, both coalitions of fraternities.

But that year, a new political entity held the balance of power. The members of this third party, the United Christian Front Student Anarchism League, had been elected on the promise that they would disrupt student government.

The DP thought they would provide some disruption of their own.

And so, the Feb. 22 issue carried the banner headline “Men’s Gov’t Verges on Collapse; Anarchists Trigger Bitter International Clash.”

Not one to go halfway, Goldstein ran a front-page editorial urging the University to “abolish all student government” the next day.

The members of the student government took this personally, so they held a special Saturday meeting and suspended funds for the campus rag. The government charged that Goldstein’s parody was “libelous, vulgar, and, in general, an insult to the intellect and morals of the University.”

The DP for Monday, Feb. 26, which was then printed on Friday nights, was confiscated and burned by students. This was done with the support of the Dean of Men — who was himself the subject of a few scathing editorials. (Since then, the DP has always printed its Monday editions on Sunday nights.) The student government also staged a rally protesting “irresponsible journalism.” The suspension made headlines up and down the East Coast and was mentioned in London’s The Observer. Meanwhile, special editions of The Harvard Crimson and The Columbia Spectator were flown in to fill the journalistic void.

Finally, on March 2, 1962, freedom of the press was restored, and the DP was allowed to publish — minus Goldstein, who was put on academic probation and prohibited from participating in any extracurricular activities.

Undaunted by the loss of their leader, however, the staffers printed a note at the top of the March 2 issue that read, “As we were saying before we were so rudely interrupted,” and proceeded to publish “Part II” of the editorial blasting Men’s Student Government. For the next 53 years, the DP editors followed Melvin’s example and produced a DP gag issue each year.

The second part of this storied history came in 2008. 34th Street, the DP’s sister publication, started a little-known blog called Under the Button. The humble, little website covered weird going-ons in Philadelphia, put together entertainment features, published all forms of campus gossip — and sometimes the odd joke. UTB wrote with a casual, entertaining style, and got so good at breaking news that it began publishing simultaneously with the DP. The DP, naturally, did not like this very much: In the early 2010s, printed news was on a sharp decline, and UTB was starving the DP of clicks.

So to maintain harmony within the company, UTB rebranded to become a satire publication in 2017, and we have been the same lovable satire blog since.

And so it is only natural that in 2017, custody of the joke issue officially changed hands to the writers and editors of UTB, who have maintained the tradition for almost every year since. (Except for 2020, for obvious reasons.) We, the current editors of UTB, are proud to embark on our own take of this tradition, and present the Joke Issue of 2021: partly in jest, partly to dispense fake news — and partly to remind everyone (including the DP) who really runs things around here.

Devil’s Advocate | Privilege is so lit

S

Nobody expects a kid in a colorful safari hat and knee-high white socks to be strapped at all times with kilos of coke in his back seat — but here I am.

You can literally pull up to a courthouse zooted out of your mind, show off your gun, and do a line of coke in front of the judge and they’ll just chuckle and carry on giving the next minority a life sentence. It’s great. And the best part is this: Even if you do get in trouble, the criminal justice system has got your back. At my last trial, the judge asked me what I think my punishment should be. I got a free, two-week trip to Hawaii out of it. Couldn’t recommend enough.

If it weren’t for the second way I’ve misused my privilege, I probably would not be at Penn writing this article today. I was very blessed in high school to have a great college guidance counselor. Literally all I had to do to get into Penn was send her some photoshopped pictures of me rowing and she took care of the rest. One of them wasn’t even a photo — it was a doodle! Did Penn mind? Come on, who’s gonna turn down this 170-pound slab of legacy and connections? And from what I hear, every stage of my life from here on out pretty much works the same way. Who I am as a person doesn’t matter at all, as long as I have an uncle who works at the firm Photo by avatar-1 / CC BY-SA 2.0 I’m interested in.

For those of you who aren’t straight white males, beginning to support and raise awareness for the less fortunate. Penn students, I have one question: I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the hundreds of years of oppression, injustice, and inequality. But most of all, What the fuck are you doing?

Privilege is so lit. Probably the best thing about I’m sorry that you are not a straight white male. If being a straight white male. I really wish you guys people treated me the way I treat people … jeez, I could all experience it. No catcalls, no dirty looks, don’t know how I would live. If it were my choice, and I never have to worry about my identity traits everyone would have the same amount of privilege not being an option on forms. Life is good. I’m as straight white males. But it’s not my choice, and going to give you guys the benefit of the doubt, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Nope, assume the reason you aren’t misusing your privi- not a thing. Not one single thing. lege is because you don’t know how to. Here are some great ways that I’ve misused my privilege AVERAGE WHITE MAN is from Long Island, — and if nothing else, somewhere for you to begin N.Y., and is studying PPE and urban studies. doing the same.

He is a self-proclaimed real-estate bro.

The first is obvious to me: Start breaking the law. ince the dawn of time, there has been privilege.

First came the dinosaurs: There were those dinosaurs born with arms proportional to body size, and then there was the T-Rex. Then came the Pilgrims, some of whom happened to land on the beautiful shores of Maine, while others landed in Jersey.

(Who the hell wants to land in Jersey?) And finally, here I am. A straight white male. Not only do I have arms proportional to my body size, but all of my limbs are proportional to my body size. I’m blessed, to say the least. But for some reason, now more than ever before, Penn students seem to be making an effort to stop misusing their privilege. Claiming that privilege is “unjust,” and “unfair,” students are

Penn’s commencement plans overlook Orthodox Jews and those who already booked their Bora Bora tickets Liwa’s Lobotomy Thoughts | The conflict poses numerous complications for Stephanie’s trip

P

enn’s decision to host a partially in-person commencement on May 17, 2021 was received by many graduating seniors with appreciation and celebration. For many other students, however, the decision also led to anxiety and uncertainty regarding the date of commencement, which is the same day as the Jewish holiday Shavout, as well as Stephanie and her friend group’s flight to Bora Bora.

The conflict poses numerous difficulties and complications for Orthodox Jewish students and families, as well as Stephanie and her loved ones. The commencement ceremony hence becomes far from equitable: Because of religious practices in addition to a well-fucking-deserved vacation (amidst the pandemic, granted) to the Pacific island known for scuba diving, many students will be unable to attend commencement in any way.

The solution is simple: Penn can move the date of commencement to a date that does not conflict with Shavout or Stephanie’s long-awaited trip to Bora Bora. Even by moving commencement just a single day earlier, the University could correct the situation and accommodate Orthodox Jewish students, as well as Stephanie and her sorority sisters who have been looking forward to Bora Bora for so long — like, they’ve been looking forward to this literally ever since spring break, during which they spent five days in Miami.

To be clear: The University’s efforts to produce an in-person commencement are

appreciated and commended. That being said, to the Orthodox Jewish community in the Class of 2021, as well as Stephanie and her social circle, the prospect of a commencement that isn’t fully inclusive is simply unacceptable.

Penn’s willful ignorance of Orthodox Jewish

Photo by avatar-1 / CC BY-SA 2.0

students’ religious practices, as well as Stephanie’s well-planned-out schedule to live it the fuck up in Bora Bora, however, can be corrected. Penn can do better. By switching the commencement date, Penn can make a move to actively include students who would otherwise feel overlooked.

LIWA SUN used to be a communist youth pioneer. She is now blonde, melancholy, and a little bit of a bitch.

Penn must divest from Penn Fast fashion? Zara order with organizations like Penn hurts the reputataking a little too long to Those Jews in Media | Associating tion of the University arrive A Grace’s Gander | I thought to myself, “This ain’t so fast, is it?”

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t’s 2020, and people have become privy to the abuses and exploitation of the fast fashion industry. Huge clothing corporations crank out new pieces of clothing to keep up with current fashion trends, resulting in gross consumerism and waste. They also rely on unethical labor practices to mass-produce said clothing for dirt cheap so that girls like me can sit at their desk and alternate between online shopping and texting.

But I have one question for you: If fast fashion is so “fast,” then why am I still waiting for my Zara order to arrive?

Four days ago, my little thumbs moved at the speed of light, tapping away on the Zara for iPhone app. By the time I had enough oatmealcolored, mock-neck knit sweaters in my cart to dress a small village, I pressed “submit order” and let the thrill of being a walking contradiction (a socialist who loves to purchase) wash over me. By the time that rush subsided, I let the waiting commence.

But then one day became two, and two became three, and I thought to myself, “This ain’t so fast, is it?” I will admit that there is so much going on right now. There is a little virus going around, and we are witnessing the fall of American democracy as we know it. But shouldn’t they understand that that is all the more reason for my monochrome embroidered sweatshirt + sweatpants athleisure set to arrive at the speed of light?

Days on end I have spent somberly staring out the window, my feminine passions lit ablaze by the sight of anyone resembling a delivery man. I am a very, very busy woman. And I don’t have time to waste staring at UPS for updates on my shipment. I was promised fashion, and I was promised it fast, so why don’t you give it to me?!

GRACE GINSBURG is a stupid bitch from San Francisco, California studying urban studies. Several of her past bosses have told her to slow down when she talks. Hobbies include texting, theorizing, and hoarding cups in her room.

s Penn students, we deserve more from our university.

Penn Anthropology professor Robert Schuyler said “sieg heil” during the annual Society for Historical Archaeology conference. He was not fired following this event. This incident occurred a year and a half after Penn Law professor Amy Wax infamously stated, “our country will be better off with more whites and fewer nonwhites” at the National Conservatism Conference.

The University canceled housing and dining for thousands of students two weeks before the fall semester started, leaving many in a panic. Penn also did not offer a tuition cut from the previous semester.

Penn planned commencement on a major Jewish holiday, preventing observant Jews and their families from participating in the celebration.

Penn has not sufficiently dealt with any critical matter — such as diversity and inclusion, climate change, sexual assault on campus, mental health, and gentrification and community responsibility — relying on mass emails instead of instituting physical change.

However, these are just the wrongdoings that we can see happening on campus. Most of Penn’s influence extends beyond University City in ways that are harder to track: money.

The University of Pennsylvania has a $14.9 billion endowment. Yet, the Penn Office of Investments is less than transparent about the specifics of their portfolio, hiding behind words such as “endowment” and “investments.”

However, despite attempts to hide the true causes that Penn supports, the internet’s availability inhibits secrets from staying hidden forever. We now know that over the years, Penn has invested in human trafficking, 9/11, 7-Eleven, post-modern Nazism, Jeffrey Epstein’s sex trafficking ring, arms dealing, the creation of Lyme disease, middle-class culture, America’s meat-industrial complex, women that can’t sing, the invention of waterboarding, the Russian-Ukrainian conflict, fast

fashion, hunger, obesity, falling down staircases, the Vietnam War, depression, the Santa Barbara oil spill, the Bill Clinton-Monica Lewinsky affair, hot girl erasure, bad waiters, targeted advertisements, the antiabortion rights movement, the dissolving of the nuclear family, the extinction of dinosaurs, accidental replyalls, sinkholes in populated areas, the opioid epidemic, crying on prom night, all of the California wildfires, and identity theft.

As if that’s not bad enough, Penn invests 15% of its endowment in itself. However, given the University’s portfolio, allowing this policy to continue would be immoral, and as members of this community, we must demand more from our administration. This is why Penn MUST divest from Penn. We must divest the 15% that Penn invests in itself.

Some may argue that Penn is a good investment and that the endowment’s purpose is to maximize its earnings. A larger endowment provides increased opportunities for students and faculties. However, while investing 15% into Penn may seem wise, associating with an organization like Penn ultimately hurts the reputation and prestige of the University of Pennsylvania.

The time is coming to an end for unethical organizations, such as Penn. The University’s crumbling moral compass will prove that this policy is a mistake.

We cannot even imagine the depth and breadth of Penn’s sphere of influence. There’s the saying “money makes the world go ‘round,” but I think the more apt expression is: “money makes the world burn, especially if it’s Penn’s money.” It’s time that the University of Pennsylvania divests from the University of Pennsylvania.

MIKAYLA GOLUB is a sexy piece of ass from your worst nightmare studying history and creative writing. BECKY WEISBERG is from New York she is majoring in psychoanalysis of all the Penn guys she’s ever hooked up with.

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OPINION 5

THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2021

Stop acting like the pandemic is over and start acting like it never happened Women Not in Stem | The only way forward is to erase COVID-19 from our collective memory

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hile walking down Locust the other day, I noticed people were picnicking, playing Spikeball, coffeechatting — all without masks. Granted, they were in pods of three or four, but it still felt strange. The warm weather unleashed something within Penn students, and perhaps when the clouds parted, we saw the end of the pandemic on the horizon. Across Philadelphia, COVID-19 cases have slowed. Thousands of vaccines are being administered every day. It’s clear people want to act as if the pandemic is over. But we can’t. We cannot just act as if the pandemic is over — we need to take it one step further. We need to start acting like it never happened in the first place.

The pandemic sucks. This past year has traumatized all of us in a gruesome way. What is next for America?

What lies ahead? How are we as a nation going to move forward from here? Considering the magnitude and severity of the emotional wound, the only way I see forward is to erase COVID-19 from our collective memory,

completely and thoroughly.

We may never recall all we found to be normal prior to the beginning of the pandemic, but we should not get caught up in the importance of trying to regain that sense of normalcy; we need to do more. The following is a list of activities I propose we do to effectively eradicate any remnant of COVID-19’s impact on our lives: 1. Erase Our Digital Footprints: We have all acknowledged the pandemic in one way or another through social media — whether it’s posting pictures with masks or liking Fauci’s Facebook posts. However, the existence of the posts means that we can never erase the impacts of the pandemic from our collective consciousness. First, we must delete these photos, and prohibit posts that indicate the existence of a mass global pandemic. That much is clear. But it’s not enough. In order to completely erase our digital footprint from the era of COVID, we must all delete our social media accounts entirely. But still — it’s not enough. We must bring our laptops and phones to the

Students should applaud Amy Wax’s appointment to the racial justice committee Let Me Be Frank | This doesn’t sound problematic whatsoever As part of its on-going gaslighting campaign to convince its marginalized student communities that it cares about them, Penn has founded a new Racial Justice Committee. Amy Wax, conservative provocateur, professor at Penn Law School, and noted advocate for minority rights, has been appointed to head the committee’s efforts.

Some have called Wax’s appointment to this position a “travesty,” and many students worry that Wax will interpret the title “Racial Justice Committee” as giving her the power to “give racial minorities the justice they deserve.”

Others have gone so far as to accuse the committee and the University of being “racist” or “lacking any and all morality and cognizance of modern-day racial politics.”

But these claims just aren’t true. In fact, they are absolutely ridiculous. The University of Pennsylvania being racist? Immoral? That has never happened at any point in the University’s 240-year history — and the Penn & Slavery Project confirms this. To be blunt, these complainers are just wrong and misguided, and as such, we need to accept Penn’s Racial Justice Committee with open arms. Here’s why.

To begin with, Wax has a sterling reputation in the racial justice field. She brings a level of expertise and passion that stems from a very genuine place and is described as being enthused by the possibilities of the committee.

“I have received a lot of scrutiny and disapproval from people over my persisting beliefs, and it’s nice to see a huge placing of faith in me by the University,” Wax said.

“All I want is to conduct my racial injust— I mean, justice committee in peace, where I can allow my opinions to roam freely and affect certain students’ day-to-day lives. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, and now, it’s all mine.”

Much noise has been made about the committee’s first initiative. Wax has suggested that they intend on moving the three cultural houses from the ARCH basement to a broom closet in David Rittenhouse Laboratory, which has caused quite the commotion in the Penn community. I personally don’t understand what the issue is. The cultural houses have been lobbying the University to move them out of the basement of ARCH for years, and

now that they’re being given what they asked for, they complain even more! They also claim that Wax is being “vindictive,” but I think she is just being helpful and efficient.

What people need to understand is that Penn is really being rather accommodating. In fact, they should be thanking Penn for making this moving process so easy!

The committee has plans to “renovate” the ARCH basement, and in the process, permanently relocate the groups and their meager resources to their new broom closet. Yes, this could be seen as shady, but there will be no formal announcement about it, and it’ll all be under the radar, so really, you’ve gotta give Wax some credit.

In the chess game that is “racial justice,” Wax is a master, and you’ve just gotta respect the effort and the skill with which she plays.

Many are concerned that this initiative will set the University back decades in its steps towards racial equality. But this is utter nonsense. The University is already decades behind in racial equality, and this new move has got to move them up to the 1950s, at least. Besides, these dissidents have failed to consider just how much fun Wax is having. Some people see a ‘racist’ professor, but people with real insight see a woman who is achieving her full potential — doing the work she’s always wanted to do.

And anyways, this is a woman who’s gone through a lot. We need to give her a break. People are very mean to her about her astoundingly regressive political beliefs. They bully her online and make her feel as if she’s somehow wrong about who causes the most problems in society and who deserves to succeed the most. Now, she finally gets her own space to do what she feels is best, and it’s unfair for anybody to take that away from her. Everybody wants to defend minorities, but nobody wants to defend 70-year-old racist white women. So really, people should just stop complaining about this new committee and let this poor old woman enjoy her reign of terror in peace.

nearest electronic recycling and dispose of them forever.

It’s no huge loss — planned obsolescence meant your Mac only had about 2 or 3 years left anyway. Only in this post-COVID world can we resume posting our selfies.

2. Trial and Execution of Zoom: Zoom must be tried for its crimes against humanity. The video conferencing platform has not only ensured the ubiquity of labor in every possible site of our lives but also estranged us from any semblance of the private, the intimate, or the personal. Naturally, Zoom software must be deleted from any device in a mass hack orchestrated by the United States government. The CEO of Zoom, Eric Yuan, along with his co-conspirators must be brought to justice in front of the International Court of Justice in the United Nations.

3. Mass Administration of Lobotomy: the superficial procedure delineated above for wiping out COVID-19’s visible trace in our lives is not enough. We must ensure that not even memories of this past year’s ordeal be

passed down to posterity. It is absolutely imperative that the entire population receives the surgical procedure of the lobotomy so that the collective consciousness will be forever free of COVID-19. This procedure could be provided at your next annual check-up — free of charge!

If we as a nation — nay, a global community — take these steps, COVID-19 will surely be erased from our collective consciousness. Granted, with it might go dearly held memories of Zoom acapella shows and TikTok dances (that you never quite mastered, did you), but that is a price we must be willing to pay. We may never eliminate the reality of COVID19, but we can always eliminate its memory.

MEGAN STRIFF-CAVE & LIWA SUN are two smoke shows that also have incredible personalities, which is really rare.

ADVICE

The DP Angels answer pressing questions about ketamine, WilCaf, and women’s bodies The DP Angels is an advice column brought to you by your DP Design girlies, where we respond to questions from the Penn community concerning all things romance, social life, and campus culture!

No one has ever offered me ketamine, but now I have FOMO. How can I start?

Sincerely, In Search of Horse Tranquilizer C ’22 Hi, In Search of Horse Tranquilizer!

It always sucks to feel left out. Unfortunately, this happens at every stage of our lives. It probably goes without saying that your peers do not think you are cool enough to partake! Let’s start there. You’re going to want to let people know you’re “in search of K.” Take a trip to South Street for a nose piercing. Let it get infected. Adopt a British accent. Find your favorite image of a poorly executed mullet, and fashion one for yourself. Chain smoke Natural American Spirits on a very visible porch. With this new persona, get ready to shock your friends with your newfound ability to hang and expand your drug repertoire!

Hope this helps, The DP Angels xoxo

I miss the sense of inferiority I got from buying coffee at WilCaf. How do I replace it?

Sincerely, Oat Milk Whore C ’21 Hi Oat Milk Whore, So sorry to hear you’re feeling down. Just the thought of standing at WilCaf while a barista with cuffed jeans whispers to their coworkers instead of taking our orders sends chills down our spines, too! While recreating this memory isn’t possible right now, here are a few things to make those brain worms say, “Am I ugly, or do I just have a bad personality?”

1. Have you heard of cyberbullying? Since no one is learning in-person, many people love to get judgy online instead. Putting yourself in a position to get cyberbullied is a great way to be humbled. Try posting to your Instagram story or class GroupMe! We suggest something like “I actually think we should be worried about academic integrity right now” to be canceled instantly.

2. Consider joining DP Circulation! There’s no better way to eradicate your ego than being repeatedly rejected by people on Locust — even the ones you know!

Hope you can find some solace in these tips, The DP Angels xoxo The DP Angels is written by ALANA KELLY and ISABEL LIANG. They are both very enthused to have been allowed to write this column and remain unsure about their fields of study and general life direction. You can reach them at dpangels@thedp.com.

MATTHEW FRANK is from Turkmenistan and is studying goat herding.

We need you on a dining plan so we can pay the mortgage on Huntsman Hall Guest column from the Board of Trustees

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s the Board of Trustees of the University of Pennsylvania, we are often tasked with making the unpopular decisions — one such decision was mandating sophomores to purchase a dining plan. We heard your feedback saying that it was motivated by profit, considering that the pandemic has forced many families into a precarious financial position. As ashamed as we are to admit it, we are also in a precarious financial position: Due to a series of unwise financial decisions, Huntsman Hall is at risk of foreclosure.

Like many regretful property owners, we were emboldened by a particularly charismatic real estate agent who convinced us to stretch just a little bit beyond our budget. We first met Ronny in the spring of 1997 in the bathroom of Smokey Joe’s. We struck up a conversation, and he handed us a business card, telling us to “give him a ring if we were looking for some slick deals on real estate.” Though we were wary of the legal gray area he operated in, he had a reassuring smile that we just couldn’t get enough of.

Once we got down to business, we had no choice but to go along for the ride.

We won’t lie, seeing the architectural drafts of that building was intoxicating. When we were told there would be a Pret a Manger in the basement, we smiled at the thought of chaos ensuing from the poorly managed lines after a 12 p.m. lecture. Floating the idea of TVs in group study rooms, we had tears in our eyes when we knew that students would use those spaces to

st rea m “Pa rk s a nd Recreation” on Netflix rather than study.

What made us sign the papers, however, was the promise of escalators: How could you say no to escalators?

The construction of that building haunts us every night. From the moment we signed our loan for $140 million, we feared foreclosure.

Despite its magnifiCINDY CHEN cence and grandeur, Hu nt sm a n H a l l h a s caused us nothing but anxiety. Every month, we scrape together the cash to pay the mortgage, an act that brings us a brief moment of relief before the fear sets in again. All of us visit Counseling and Psychological Services regularly, unable to cope with the looming threat that Huntsman Hall will be foreclosed. Oh yeah — we’re the reason CAPS can never give you the time of day.

Over the past two decades, we have staved off this nightmarish scenario by renting out the space for local PTA meetings and yoga classes. The occasional middle school debate tournament was a celebratory event for us — a flicker of hope that maybe, just maybe, we could retain ownership of this building. However, the COVID-19 pandemic has reminded us that nothing lasts forever, not even the surety of sweaty 13-year-olds fumbling over a poorly rehearsed speech about the Constitution. Like all of you, we have had to reevaluate our financial plans and figure out how to ensure that Huntsman Hall doesn’t become repossessed.

We understand that the sophomore dining requirement is an inconvenience for many of you, but the truth is that we need cash, and we need it soon. We have already sold our children’s prized baseball card collections and pawned our wedding rings. We get calls from the bank so often that we all had to change our phone numbers.

We’re serious: This is a desperate situation.

It’s just one more year of dining hall food — can’t you do this for us? You already did it once, how hard is it to do it again?

Apply to be an Editor at QuakerEdits! tinyurl.com/quakereditseditor

6 NEWS

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NEWS 7

THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2021

Back when they took anyone:

Penn Admissions through the years There’s a lot of rich white men involved JAMES MORRISON & AMJAD HAMZA Kite & Key Ambassadors

The University of Pennsylvania is an ‘Ivy League Institution,’ which means it must be very selective and chooses only the very best candidates for admission. Throughout its 281 years of existence, the University admissions committee has done the very most to ensure that every class of Penn students is as talented, intelligent, and white

as possible. Penn admissions has got this process down to a science and makes sure that it is fair and equitable at all times. Here, Under the Button presents a walk down memory lane for Penn admissions to demonstrate how the University has done nothing wrong — not ever — in selecting each new class of students.

1740

1950

The admissions department was just getting started. At their first meeting, they said, “Wow! You know what would be really really cool? If we only admitted white men!” And then they did. And statistics bear it out: The students that were accepted into the University of Pennsylvania between the years 1740 and 1760 were certifiably 100% white men.

And to make things really cool and nice, they were all rich, white men. And these rich, white men went on to do really great, ethical things with their wonderful upper-class educations, such as profit off of the trans-Atlantic Slave Trade.

Move over, rich, white men! Like, maybe just one centimeter, if that’s OK. To make room for all the rich, white female students. And, also, maybe a handful of students of color, who will receive a world-class education, while also facing world-class discrimination from their fellow students. What a great opportunity!

1776 Can someone say “America Alert”?!? In these years the Admissions Office had three criteria: 1) you had to be rich 2) you had to be white and 3) you had to be a man. If you were anything else, acceptance was not going to happen for you! But even if you were all three of those things, you probably would have your studies interrupted so that you could be sent home to fight for your country. And in the process, you would probably get hypothermia and die. Can someone give me a U.S.A.?

1800 The Admissions Office in these years was really looking to diversify their student body, so they decided to exclusively admit rich, white men. Some would call this a pattern, but I would just call this the University of Pennsylvania!

1820 The queerest years of Admissions Office history. Rich, white bottoms were the order of the day, and there were just enough rich, white tops to go around. The Admissions Office was very proud to announce that their top:bottom ratio was an incredible 1:10. Now that’s what we call a well-rounded class! If you were not a rich, white man, the University either evicted you or exploited your labor. Fun!

1840 The Admissions Office could no longer tolerate white bottoms and so they were completely eradicated. The white tops could stay if they were 1) rich and 2) said they hated Lana Del Rey.

1860 During the Civil War years, the University offered its first supplemental essay. The question was: Is slavery wrong?

Half the applicants got the answer correct and were immediately admitted to the University. What the archives don’t tell us is what the correct answer was. All we can say is that after the abolition of slavery, these young entrepreneurs found new and exciting ways to pillage and exploit people who were not white men.

1900 Before 1900, the University thought that silly, little-girl brains couldn’t be filled with important things like “education.” But boy, was the University wrong about that! Silly, little-girl brains could learn all sorts of things, and the University was actually sooo surprised. The Admissions Office added empowering language like “Girlboss!” and “Slay!” to its admission materials.

get out the

1990 Did someone say socioeconomic diversity? Not the University of Pennsylvania! But at this point, there were so many rich people around that the University really had to start clamping down on who got in or not. The criteria: perfect grades, perfect test scores, and good extracurriculars OR one (1) building named after a family member on campus.

Take your pick!

2020 The Admissions Office has gotten over 280 years of practice at this shtick, and they’ve really got this admissions thing down to a science. It’s as many rich, white people they can get away with admitting (and I mean, c’mon, if it’s not broke, why fix it?) plus enough people of color to fill up, like, 10 diversity photos on the admissions website.

Now this is what we call progress!

8 NEWS

THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2021

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From Marriage Pacts to Engagement Days: Penn’s promise of everlasting love Absque amore est vita inutilia. Life without love is useless.

MERESA GARCÍA Part-time Newsbabe, Part-time Latin Lover

From its prestigious graduate programs to its toptier interdisciplinary education, the University of Pennsylvania is undoubtedly well-deserving of high praise. However, Penn’s academic achievements often overshadow the hidden, yet abundant, nature of love thriving on its campus.

Only an observant eye can detect the subtleties that hint at the University’s hand at matchmaking: the LOVE sculpture is placed at the heart of our campus; we are located in the City of Brotherly Love; our marvelous founder, Benjamin Franklin, is rumored to have had quite a wandering eye …

In midst of COVID-19 recession the Pleasure Chest offers new $1400 deluxe package Having spent months using the same old toys, many Philadelphia residents are itching to try something new ALICIA LOPEZ Collage Expert

The COVID-19 pandemic has been catastrophic for local businesses. Many have closed their doors forever while others have turned to online shopping and/or OnlyFans to supplement their business’ income. However, one local Philadelphia shop, The Pleasure Chest, located at 2039 Walnut St., hasn’t let the pandemic affect their store.

“Unsurprisingly, we’ve been doing quite well despite the pandemic. Rain, shine or apocalypse ever since Elvis Presley’s pelvis sexually awakened the nation, people want sex and they need the right supplies to do that.”

According to a recent study by Penn Medicine, The Pleasure Chest’s pandemic success may be attributed to the fact that many people have been locked up with their significant others for months on end and they’ve already tried using most common household items to spice up their sex lives.

According to Penn Communications (and other relations), people have been having more sex during the pandemic than before. Perhaps this is also partially

NEWS 9

THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2021 Yet, as COVID-19 reached its peak, Penn’s support of its student’s search for everlasting love has become surprisingly apparent.

In the past two semesters, a quarter of Penn’s nearly $1 billion budget was invested in the romantic affairs of its student body, a 0.4% increase from any previous year. The University recognized the need for increased attention on “student’s love lives” given the “unprecedented anti-social climate” of current college life.

The first major love program took the form of Penn Marriage Pact. Interested students answered a 50-question survey where they were asked anything from their gender preference to their stance on public policies.

After the algorithm matched students with the most compatible partner, it would be up to them to make the first move. However, Penn administration worried the lack of student confidence could result in fewer connections.

Penn therefore made the executive decision to announce match reveals during the incredibly anticipated Spring Stay, or as what the administration secretly thought of as “the honeymoon period.” To kindle the passion of these nascent relationships, Penn invited students to participate in romantic gateways at the Philadelphia Zoo, the Class of ’23 Ice Rink and the Aquarium in neighboring New Jersey.

“I was a little nervous at first,” described College

first year Kyle Huang. “You know, meeting up with a random person just because some AI said we’d be a good match. And besides, being new to campus, I didn’t really know of many places where we could even go.”

But when he heard of the several exciting Spring Stay activities taking place, Huang made the decision to reach out to his Marriage Pact match and instantly knew he made the right decision.

“I’m really grateful to Penn because, well, they were like my wingman, as weird as that sounds. But without all these things to do, I honestly don’t think Noah and I would have formed this amazing bond that we currently have. We’ll always think of the Spring Scavenger Hunt of ’21 as our meet cute. And that’s all thanks to Penn.”

Foreseeing the success of these events, the University also created Engagement Days during which partners can devote time to wedding planning without the added stress of online class. Penn will offer couples the chance to reserve the Bio Pond, the Love Statue, the entirety of Locust Walk, and other scenic campus locations for any engagement photos they wish to take.

Undoubtedly, weddings are expensive affairs, especially if executed well. But the University is committed to offering 100% of demonstrated financial need to any partners that require assistance. Penn Student

Registration and Financial Aid Services promises to work closely with couples to find the payment plan option that best fits their needs.

“I appreciate all that SRFS has done for Andy and me,” commented Wharton sophomore Luisa Hetfield.

“Our counselor Stacy really made sure we applied for all the best loans so that we could have our dream wedding, which we plan to have this May right on Shoemaker Green!”

Penn is also aware that not everybody may be looking for a serious commitment just yet. That’s why, for the last 47 years, the University has held one of the largest college parties any Greek life member can only dream of hosting: Spring Fling. The annual festival is a time where singles can enter into casual and nonmonogamous involvements with one another. More often than not, however, many of these brief love affairs do end in dedicated relationships. Even though Spring Fling will be entirely virtual this year, the University still plans to announce the many amorous activities geared toward students looking for someone(s) to informally date.

While the current Penn motto reflects the quality Ivy League education it has to offer, the University’s original adage of 1740 is still quite representative of what this campus aims to provide: Absque amore est vita inutilia. Life without love is useless.

responsible for the collective yearning for Pleasure Chest goods. With upcoming stimulus checks arriving soon, many Americans are desperate to pay mortgage payments, utility bills, and even household basics like grocery store trips.

The Pleasure Chest doesn’t want that to happen. In a recent interview, Pleasure Chest owner Warren Ewens discussed his thoughts on where most of America’s stimulus check money will go. “People have no jobs and no money, but with the stimulus check coming, we know exactly what the people most need with their incoming cash,” stated Ewens. Having spent months using the same old toys, many Philadelphia residents are itching to try something new.

To keep up with demand, The Pleasure Chest has just announced a new sale that the business is sure will attract customers’ stimulus check-heavy pockets. “We are offering a new deal: The Pirate’s Booty. For the low price of $1,400, we will give you a wide range of toys, costumes, and Gatorade (to keep going) custom designed especially for you.”

Being compared to the New Deal, this offer is perhaps the thing that will end the pandemic. “America is the nation of sex. Think about great sex symbols: Marylin Monroe, Kate Upton, Marlon Brando. What do they all have in common? American. America is a young, sex-craving nation. It’s in our blood. It makes sense that Americans would spend their stimulus checks on sex,” explained American historian Olga Dust.

The strategy seems to be working. Already dozens of Americans have expressed interest in the offer. “I’ve been unemployed since last March and have really been struggling to make ends meet, but more pressing than that, I think my girlfriend is going to leave me if I can’t figure out a new way to please her,” informed one interviewee who asked to remain anonymous.

Public high school sex education teacher Mrs. Ambrose was quick to remind us that the pandemic has been hard on people’s bank accounts, mental health, and physical wellness, but also on personal relationships. “It’s easy to forget that as hard as it is to maintain relationships when we can’t meet up in person, it’s sometimes even harder to maintain a relationship when you are together 24/7. Without some pretty good sex toys, even the most stable, loving relationships are in grave peril. In many ways this is a threat to our democracy.”

As many experts have noted, Americans’ lack of suitable adult toys could contribute to the dissolving of the very fabric of our society. For this reason alone it’s imperative that businesses like The Pleasure Chest remain open and continue to put together deals like The Pirate’s Booty. American marriage rates and

birth rates are declining rapidly, the Pleasure Chest helps make sure that both of those categories never fall too low, one of the many reasons adult shops are a necessity of America and should have been considered an essential business.

The Pleasure Chest sale calls Americans to do their patriotic duty and work to maintain the American image: sex-obsessed, loud, extreme, rude. “They almost got us to give it up when they convinced us that smoking is bad.

Despite it, we Americans persevered, supporting songs like WAP and persons like Kim Kardashian. Now in the midst of a pandemic, our businesses, ideals, and society as we know it are under attack. Come on down to the Pleasure Chest with your $1400 stimulus check and we’ll help you find something that’s sure to please,” encouraged Ewens.

ETHAN WU

Frats compete with testing sites for larger turnout SUDOKUPUZZLE Although there has only been a minimal decrease in the number of attendees, fraternities hope their new promotional strategies will bring more students to their parties MERESA GARCÍA Part-time Newsbabe, Part-time Latin Lover

Skill Level:

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Jared felt a strange sense of admiration mixed with a sharp pang of jealousy towards the Du Bois COVID-19 testing center. He was confused by how this white tent could attract nearly the same amount of students as the ragers thrown by him and his brothers. “What do they have that we don’t?” wondered the Wharton junior as he scootered past the line of people.

Fraternities watched in worry as COVID-19 testing sites began to appear on Penn’s campus, fearing this could mean the end of their reign.

While frats may have once competed with one another for the largest turnout during pre-pandemic times, they have now all joined forces to ensure that they will not be displaced by these new unwanted incomers.

“I just don’t get it,” said Jared as he handed out flyers on Locust Walk promoting his frat’s next

rager, “We’ve got booze, sticky floors, and a way better Spotify playlist than them! What makes these white tents think that they can just poach our partiers?”

Although there has only been a minimal decrease in the number of attendees, fraternities hope their new promotional strategies will bring more students to their parties while decreasing the number of those going to the testing sites.

Of course, the end goal of this campaign is to eventually steal all white-tent goers completely, hopefully eliminating the competition all together.

“Look, we mean no disrespect,” claimed Jared as he redirected students from the testing center to his house. “But we are the weekend warriors, and we’re not just going to let some white tents outrank us. So you better watch out testing centers, because this means war.”

© Puzzles provided by sudokusolver.com

For Release Thursday, April 1, 2021

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10 NEWS

THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2021

THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN | THEDP.COM

Ned’s Declassified Penn survival guide Penn can be a scary and confusing place to navigate. But don’t worry! We got you covered.

JULIA ELLIS Monkey with a Typewriter

Penn can be a scary and confusing place to navigate. But don’t worry! To help students turn the challenges of Penn into opportunities for growth, we at UTB have discovered the easiest tips and tricks to success!

1. Consider keeping up with the latest trends: Ketamine Penn is nothing without our traditions, new and old. Students throw toast on the field during football games, scream the night before the first-year economics midterm, and get addicted to many different types of ludicrous drugs. The latest and greatest trend to come out of this fine institution is a strong love of ketamine.

Jenna Fale, a junior in the College, admits she has a hard time keeping up with all the latest drug trends sometimes, yet she says, “But I would never let that stop me. Even if I wasn’t on the forefront of the new ketamine trend, I still got around to it. All it takes is a little time management and preparation, so there’s really no excuse not to do it eventually.”

2. Don’t waste your time making any friends. Especially during your first year.

“I spent so much of my time trying to make friends before I realized I hated everyone here. I wish I could get the hours of small talk back,” says Engineering sophomore Mark Hoper.

Seasoned Penn students will tell you that nothing good can come from making friends in this place.

Your first year is notorious for gullible and defenseless students making friends with emotional terrorists. The students at this school have such a talent for being some of the most obnoxious pricks in the Ivy League, largely due to their inability to care about others.

After a point, it becomes a ridiculous challenge to crop out all your ex-friends from your photos.

Hoper said he met his best friends on the fourth day of New Student Orientation at a frat party, and he was so thankful to have someone to eat with in the dining halls. His gratitude quickly turned into trepidation as his friends siphoned out his will to live.

“The drama was outrageous, you know? Why do I need to choose between my best friend, who served us all three-week-old empanadas, and my girlfriend, who got food poisoning in the middle of her midterm? I mean not to play devil’s advocate but I can see valid points on both sides.”

From Napoleon to Gutmann: Inside the Penn president’s quest to conquer Philadelphia Inch by inch, Gutmann asserts herself as the future heiress to all of Philadelphia — and possibly even Pennsylvania.

MATTHEW FRANK Staff Reporter

Since the beginning of time, rulers have attempted to not only maintain control over their kingdoms, but to expand and assert dominance over neighboring territories and oftentimes the whole world. Many have vied for this role in the modern age, but only one ruler has the courage to succeed today: Penn President Amy Gutmann.

With her recent conquests of Lauder College House and now New College House West, Gutmann extends her territory into more of Philadelphia, and inch by inch, asserts herself as the future heiress to all of Philadelphia — and possibly even Pennsylvania.

As a conqueror, Gutmann has to present herself a certain way. Napoleon didn’t rally his troops by seeming weak. In that spirit, it’s been reported that Gutmann will stride around her office daily on horseback, telling subordinates that their caliber must be high if their attempts at domination are to be successful.

Instead of the warm and fuzzy “How are you?” when employees arrive, Gutmann will shout at them, “We must reign supreme at all costs!” This has supposedly frightened some and invigorated others. Those that don’t have ambitious goals of urban domination have supposedly left Penn administration’s ranks, while others have stayed

in the hopes of asserting some of the power that will be bestowed to Penn upon total domination.

Around the water cooler, Gutmann ambushes her employees, knocking over any drink that they had in their hands and screaming, “Have you acquired any land today?!” If the answer is no, Gutmann will then proceed to dump the entire water pitcher on their head. When asked if these practices were a bit extreme, Gutmann had this to say: “I am trying to conquer Philadelphia — to rule all of its mighty lands. I have no time or tolerance for buffoonery. If Penn employees want to worry about student dining or mental health, then they can find a job at a weak college. Here at Penn, however, we are focused on acquiring land solely. That’s the name of the game now.”

Gutmann appears dead-set on the idea of total domination, but is that what Penn students want?

Many say that it’s not their first priority.

“Having just gotten to Penn and still struggling, I can’t really say that I care too much about whether or not Penn owns all the land,” first year Cristin Chase said. “Sure, I suppose it’d be nice, but if they could throw another bone or two to just about anything else, that’d be really cool.”

In response to student complaints, Gutmann has taken swift action. She believes that if her servants aren’t fully invested in the mission, then they must be eliminated. As such, Chase has since been expelled from the University of Pennsylvania.

The recent successes of Lauder College House and New College House West have proven that the model for Philadelphian domination can work. Given this fact, Gutmann has bold ambitions for what the next five years could look like.

“By 2023, I expect to have exerted my control over Lincoln Financial Field, whether I have to go to battle with the Eagles myself or not,” she said. “Then, in 2024, I will conquer all of Center City, building by building. Slowly but surely, I will seize control over Philadelphia City Hall,

3. Make time for self care Penn comes with a heavy workload that can be challenging and stressful. The most important thing to do is always take the best care of yourself that you can. This means to take plenty of breaks for your mental health! Whether those breaks are taking care of your plants or falling into a generational cycle of crippling alcoholism, make sure you make time for you. Every person is different, so if you find it helpful to blow off steam and slash your ex’s tires don’t let anyone stop you!

4. Everyone but you has it all worked out Many at Penn have heard of “Penn Face” and the stigma that surrounds it. Some students find Penn Face toxic because it festers as this fake sense of perfectionism that exaggerates people’s successes and increases the imposter syndrome in others. But after several studies and surveys conducted over the past few years, it appears that the easiest way to survive Penn is to realize that Penn Face is real, everyone else is doing exponentially better than you.

Sarah doesn’t edit her instagram photos — you’re just ugly. Brad really does have a 4.0 GPA, and you are right in thinking that you don’t belong here. Why did Bridget get an internship at Goldman Sachs and not you? Because who in the world would want you?

Micheal Sac (C ‘24), explained his struggle against Penn Face and perfectionism in an interview with UTB: “I used to feel like I didn’t belong because I got a B or C in a class, and all my friends told me they got straight A’s. They told me the class was incredibly easy, and I might as well just drop out if I couldn’t handle the intro-level course. They were, of course, right in the end. I am a worthless, dumb, ugly, waste of space, and I do not deserve to be happy.”

5. Considering transferring.

The easiest way to survive Penn is to get as far away as you fucking can. Does this hellscape not appeal to you? Do you want to have something to live for? Then go to Drexel. This school is by miserable people for miserable people.

and the city will become mine.”

She also detailed how she would turn One Liberty Place into student housing and how the penthouse of the Comcast Center would become her office.

Gutmann’s plan to conquer Philadelphia may seem outlandish, but it’s important to keep in

mind that all great conquerors seemed outlandish at first. People made fun of Napoleon for his bold ambition, and look at what he did. With the ample resources at her disposal, Amy Gutmann is prepared to seize all the land that Philadelphia has to offer, and in doing so, become one of the great rulers the world has ever seen.

MAX MESTER

THEDP.COM | THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN

SPORTS 11

THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2021

Athletes attend classes more, get worse grades

Ivy League already cancels sports for 2021-22 year

SPORTS | Student athletes told to ‘step it up’

SPORTS | No one is happy with Ivy sports being canceled for yet another year, but Harris didn’t seem to care

logical. Maybe courses at Penn became more difficult. But that does not explain why other students have not seen any major differences in their grades. Or maybe student-athletes are just not cut out for this type of lifestyle — regularly attending classes that is. Whatever the reason may be, one thing is certain: Student-athletes are unquestionably performing worse academically as a result of increasingly attending their classes.

The Wharton Behavioral Lab specified one particular class where this phenomenon was most evident. GEOL 103: “Natural Disturbances & Human Disasters,” a class dubbed “Rocks for Jocks,” boasts a class size of 200, more than half of which are student-athletes. During this past semester, there was an unmatched level of attendance — nearly 90% attendance for every lecture, an unprecedented achievement. And yet, the class average dropped more than an entire letter grade from previous semesters.

In order to be fully eligible to compete in intercollegiate athletics, student-athletes must keep their GPAs above a 2.0, among other requirements. However, after the virtual fall semester, during which student-athletes attended their classes like never before, many Quakers are surprisingly at risk of losing their athletic eligibility. If they want to compete in any upcoming season, the Red and Blue are going to have to do considerably better inside the classroom. Or maybe they should start skipping classes again — that seemed to have gotten the job done in the past. Whatever the solution is, student-athletes need to find it quick or Penn will have to go without sports for another year.

Better step it up, student-athletes.

CHARLIE MA Sports Associate

Student-athletes are getting worse grades than ever before.

According to a study conducted by the Wharton Behavioral Lab, the academic performance of student-athletes at Penn is at an all-time low despite the fact that they are now attending their classes much more regularly in the absence of official practice and competition.

It had been over a full year since the Quakers had their last official competition — 365 days since the last basket at the Palestra and the last touchdown at Franklin Field. Fortunately, Penn has just moved into Phase IV, wherein the Red and Blue has been allowed to compete against local universities. Just a semester ago, the University suspended all athletic activities, meaning the Quakers were not allowed to meet as a team, let alone practice or compete.

Only able to practice and work out on their own without the opportunity for competition, student-athletes have found themselves with much more free time on their hands. And as they attend an Ivy League institution, studentathletes at Penn filled this free time by actually going to class.

But somehow, their grades have been much, much worse.

Although the Wharton Behavioral Lab has yet to provide a reason behind this phenomenon, they have come out with a few hypotheses as to why student-athletes are performing worse in the classroom. Maybe it’s psycho-

Calhoun sat down with The Daily Pennsylvanian for an exclusive interview, something she had never done during her seven-year tenure.

“I have to be honest, I knew this decision to cancel Ivy League sports was coming,” Calhoun said. “So I thought the best course of action would be to go to a school where most students don’t know that sports exist there.”

We wanted to get a sense for how this decision would affect the entire West Philadelphia community, so we interviewed the first three people* we saw walking around on 42nd and Walnut streets. All three said that they weren’t personally consulted about the decision to cancel Ivy League sports. Shame on you, Ivy League.

We also wanted to get the perspective of student-athletes, so we sent a message in the DP-wide Slack channel asking to interview student-athletes, but only ones who were furious with the Ivy League. Sure enough, we got two angry Penn athletes to talk to us. Both of them said the same exact thing.

“The best part about playing sports at an Ivy League school was that we could look down upon all the nonathletic losers who don’t know what it’s like to be real adults and have to go to practice from 6 a.m. to 8 p.m. every day, while also juggling a full course load at a toptier institution,” they said simultaneously in their puffy Penn Athletics winter coats.

It’s safe to say that no one is happy with Ivy sports being canceled for yet another year, but Harris didn’t seem to care. When asked about the negative effects that this decision could have on the schools themselves, Harris rolled her eyes, muted her mic, and sauntered off to the beach, where she indulged in shots of Don Julio with her spring break posse. *Correction: It was later discovered that these three people were not actually West Philadelphia residents and that they were, in fact, personally consulted by the Ivy League. The DP regrets the error, but not really.

DANNY CHIARODIT Sports Associate

The Ivy League announced this week that it is canceling all sports seasons for the remainder of 2021, as well as 2022, due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Robin Harris, executive director of the Ivy League, held a press conference to announce the decision.

“I am pleased to say that our great league will not be playing sports for the foreseeable future,” Harris said.

“We are once again taking the lead on this issue, and I am determined to uphold our league’s reputation as the safest conference in America.”

Based on her Zoom background, Harris appeared to be on a beach during the press conference. She would not divulge her location, but sources close to the situation are reporting that Harris has been vacationing in the COVID-19 hot spot Puerto Rico.

Harris went on to outline the plans for a potential 2023 return to play.

“We are in the process of manufacturing personalized body bubbles for each of our student-athletes.

These bubbles resemble the ones that parents put their children in when they want them to burn off some steam without injuring themselves.

“Student-athletes will wear these body bubbles during competition and in the classroom, and we trust that the other major conferences such as the Southeastern Conference will follow our lead by utilizing this technology.”

The Ivy League’s decision to cancel the 2021-22 season comes just three weeks after Penn Athletics Director M. Grace Calhoun announced that she was leaving Penn for the head of athletics job at Brown University.

Penn football coach Ray Priore takes on second job as pizza delivery driver SPORTS | In a recruiting twist, Priore is rumored to be the hiring target of local favorites Allegro Pizza and Zesto Pizza

now, so I figured this was a good way to spend my free time. Catch me here Mondays through Saturdays, 4 p.m. until 12 a.m.,” Priore said from his car window in between deliveries. “Plus, now I qualify for Phase 1B in the vaccine rollout as a food distribution worker.”

Since the team’s last season was canceled, Priore has tried his luck at a number of other jobs that start with P — plumber, paramedic, even pirate — but pizza deliverer was the one that just felt the most right.

One wholesome highlight of his trips has been being able to see his players in person for the first time since last March, when COVID-19 made regular practices and gym sessions impossible.

“We just ordered pizzas last night, and we were shocked when Coach Priore showed up like 20 minutes later,” senior linebacker Brian O’Neill said. “We always talked about bringing the ‘juice’ on the field, and when he showed up with some apple juice, that was a nice touch.”

WILL DIGRANDE Sports Associate

In celebration of the new partnership between Penn Athletics and Papa John’s Pizza, it was announced Sunday that Penn football coach Ray Priore will take on a full-time role in the delivery of pizzas to the Penn community.

Priore already has experience with the food delivery process from his “Pizzas with Priore” campaign, during which he arrived at the houses of unsuspecting students with seemingly fresh pizza, so he was a natural choice to serve as a new employee.

“We’re pretty limited in what we can do as a team right

“It felt like a prank at first, but then we all got fired up seeing him again,” junior wide receiver Ryan Cragun added. “I wish we had more than a few minutes to talk, though, because he had to rush to make his next delivery.”

Despite his success in the new position, Priore’s days with Papa John’s may be numbered. With the return of spring sports last week — after more than a year off — and with millions of vaccines being administered nationwide, it’s looking likely that Penn football will return to Franklin Field for the fall season.

Priore will have a difficult decision: return to the program he’s been a part of since 1987, or see how far this exciting career pivot will take him.

“I can’t commit one way or another at this point,” Priore said on his way home after a particularly busy weekend. “On one hand, I want to Puck Frinceton more than ever before, but there’s something about giving back

ISABEL LIANG

in the form of pizza delivery that just feels like it’s where I belong.”

Despite the recent hot water in which Papa John’s has found itself embroiled, it remains to be seen if Priore will stick with the large chain over other smaller establishments. In a recruiting twist, Priore is rumored to be the hiring target of local favorites Allegro Pizza and Zesto Pizza. The two restaurants could not immediately be reached for comment.

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I’m going to miss you so much! Who else am I supposed to eat entire pizzas with?

THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2021 VOL. CXXXVII

NO. 10

THE INDEPENDENT STUDENT NEWSPAPER OF THE UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIA

FOUNDED 1885

LACROSSE TEAM SUSPENDED FOR INVENTING FAKE SPORT TO GET INTO PENN CHASE SUTTON

The investigation revealed the extreme lengths the students on the lacrosse team went to in this mass deception. What tipped the investigators off was one key flaw in this ingenious plan: No one had been seen playing this sport in real life outside of a fictional state called Connecticut.

SPORTS | Student origins unclear; students claim they come from ‘Connecticut’ AMJAD HAMZA Fast Walker

In the latest scandal to hit Penn Athletics, the “lacrosse” team has been suspended indefinitely for creating a fake sport.

The suspension follows a detailed investigation by senior administrators within Penn Athletics, which concluded that lacrosse does not actually exist. Members of the Penn team are accused of inventing the entire sport as a way to grab coveted spots for recruited athletes in each class of admitted students. “I can’t believe we were fooled for this long, but these students did an incredible job of pulling the wool over our eyes,” former Penn lacrosse coach Jed Stevens said.

The fate of the suspended students is unclear, as no Penn sports team has ever been indefinitely suspended. Since lacrosse is not a real sport, the students can-

not go elsewhere to play it if Penn refuses to take the players back. “We are treading in unknown water,” said one administrator involved in suspending the students. All members of the former Penn lacrosse team declined to comment for this article.

The scheme, dubbed “The Lacrosse Stick” by participants, was tremendously successful in its aim of snagging spots at Penn. Over the years, Penn has taken in dozens — if not hundreds — of students claiming to be top-shelf lacrosse players with no suspicions raised. Lacrosse players have thrived at Penn with the social capital of being considered athletes. “I was always envious of how those lacrosse players seemed to have so much free time,” Penn rowing senior Brad Stone said. To perpetuate this success, current lacrosse players at Penn were found to be preparing the next generation of purported lacrosse players.

The investigation revealed the extreme lengths the students on the lacrosse team went to in this mass deception. A 100-page rulebook was created and published nationwide, online forums were filled with Estonian bots discussing imaginary

lacrosse tournaments, and hours of footage were recorded of potential recruits playing this imaginary sport. What tipped the investigators off was one key flaw in this ingenious plan: No one had been seen playing this sport in real life outside of a fictional state called Connecticut.

Questions are already being raised about how much Penn knew about the imaginary nature of lacrosse.

“Did people really believe that this sport, where people ran around with jellyfish-catching sticks, existed?” College sophomore Beth Evans said. Evans pointed to the swift disbandment of Penn Quidditch as a reason Penn should have known better. “It’s not even in the Olympics!” College senior Andrew Wang said while rolling his eyes.

Other students noted that Penn has a history of producing scammers and con artists of various kinds, and so the lacrosse fabrication was not out of the ordinary.

“Real estate moguls, quack doctors, insider traders — these kids just started a bit too early,” Wharton junior Ronit Singh said.

The suspension of Penn lacrosse overshadows

Penn Athletics’ last scandal surrounding former Penn basketball coach Jerome Allen. Allen, who currently serves as an assistant coach for the Boston Celtics, admitted to taking bribes in return for guaranteeing a prospective student a spot on the team. This time around, no money was involved: Penn was just honest-to-God fooled into believing such a silly sport was worthy of spots for recruited athlete.

Worsening matters, Penn is not alone in being duped into recruiting lacrosse teams. It’s possible this scheme stretches far wider than Penn’s investigation revealed and that students at dozens of colleges colluded to invent lacrosse. The students involved in this scheme were so daring that they claimed lacrosse was not only real, but also “the oldest organized sport in North America,” according to the flimsy Wikipedia page on the fake sport.

“This is going to shake up Penn Athletics in a big way. Who knows what other sports are real? Synchronized swimming sounds dubious at best. And don’t even get me started on cricket — no way a billion people watch that,” Stevens said.

Penn basketball unveils Chipotle men’s bathroom OP-ED: It’s time to bring back rowbottoms presented by Taco Bell at the Palestra there is nothing to do. Some students will acknowlLet Me Be Frank | The only way to promote Penn sports is to promote violence

SPORTS | Rogers: “Van Pelt’s third-floor bathrooms will be empty when we’re finished with these.”

MATTHEW FRANK Sports Associate

JACKSON JOFFE Sports Associate

Over the past year, Penn Athletics has taken advantage of the decreased traffic in their facilities due to COVID-19, making much-needed improvements to its historic playing fields, thanks to the help of some corporate sponsors (thanks, Wharton). Here are a few notable improvements to keep an eye out for when Penn’s campus starts to reopen.

Chipotle Men’s Bathroom at the Palestra, presented by Taco Bell The Palestra has always been an attractive venue for older alumni who were accustomed to packed arenas and Final Four appearances, but Penn has recently struggled to fill the arena with current college students. To encourage undergraduates to attend games, Penn basketball recently unveiled the Chipotle Men’s Bathroom at the Palestra, presented by Taco Bell.

“Having years of experience here at Penn, if there’s one thing I can tell you about the priorities of undergraduates, it’s that bathrooms matter,” Director of Basketball Operations Justin Rogers said.

“Van Pelt’s third-floor bathrooms will be empty when we’re finished with these.”

Initial student testimonies, though, told a different story. As part of an effort to gain insight into student feedback, some students were invited to test out the new facilities, including freshman Jessie Winters.

“There’s definitely a lot of influence from Taco Bell and Chipotle in that bathroom,” Winters said.

“I can safely say that I’ll be watching from my dorm next game.”

Penn football TikTok ClubHouse Penn athletics has completed extensive renovations of Franklin Field in recent months, but team SEND STORY IDEAS TO DPSPORTS@THEDP.COM

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chatter is focused on the all-new TikTok ClubHouse. Inspired by Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Juju Smith-Schuster, Penn football administrators felt that the addition of the ClubHouse would bring much-needed clout to the organization.

“When you have Harvard and Princeton churning out 25 TikToks per week, it’s clear we’re lagging behind our rivals,” emphasized social media communications director Theo Martin. “I don’t even know if a collab with Dixie D’Amelio could improve our position.”

Martin hopes that the TikTok ClubHouse will help increase awareness around Penn football.

But for the players, the space serves as a place to strengthen team camaraderie and form new exciting ideas.

“I can’t wait to dance on the Princeton logo with all my teammates for a TikTok after we get beat by 28 points,” said freshman guard Drew Detmer.

“This is what makes Ivy League football worth it.”

Many people complain about a lack of enthusiasm around Penn sports or a lack of excitement when one of Penn’s teams wins something. There is one clear and easy way to solve this: Bring back rowbottoms.

For those that don’t know, rowbottoms are a Penn tradition dating back to 1910 until the late 1970s.

When a rowbottom happened, students would riot, break things, and cause general chaos in and around the Philadelphia area. They typically occurred around sporting events, which is why it would be the perfect tradition to bring back now.

Most Penn sporting events are greeted by crowds of three to five fans, and that was before COVID-19.

The enthusiasm around Penn’s sports teams just isn’t there. Penn students would rather be doing work, or going to a party, or literally doing anything else than watching one of Penn’s teams compete.

People look all over for different avenues to blame this steady trend on, but the fact of the matter is that Penn students don’t have any reason to rally around their teams. What is a student supposed to do after Penn cross country does well at a meet? How is one supposed to celebrate that? The current answer is that

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edge it for a second and then move on. The only way to curb this is to let the celebration become violent.

Just imagine — you learn that Penn did really well at a track meet. You want to have an outlet to celebrate, so you go out onto the street and you find a bunch of other people looking for the same thing.

Then, in your shared excitement, you go to the Wawa on Spruce Street. You and the others go inside, thinking you’ll just grab some food, but then you realize that it would be way cooler if you just started knocking over all the aisles in the store. Now, you and the others are doing just that. The people working there are confused, but they can tell just by the expressions on your faces: Penn track and field just dominated in the 200-meter race.

This is the way we should celebrate Penn sports.

What’s better? Liking a post on Instagram about how great the Penn swim team did in their relays, or assaulting the Ben Franklin statue to show your excitement about it? Sure, the former would probably not result in any jail time and probably wouldn’t get you kicked out of Penn, but it doesn’t have the same thrill as the latter.

On top of exciting students, bringing back rowbottoms would single-handedly lift up athletics. The anticipation of a rowbottom breaking out would get people in the stands at games, and the lingering hype around it would make Penn sports a staple of the Penn experience. You’d be able to go around talking about who got arrested at which rowbottom, and a shared sense of community around destructive violence would form.

After Penn gymnastics gets second in a meet, we should be able to go throw bricks at the windows in McClelland. When Penn squash gets a big win, we should be allowed to turn over cars outside of CVS. This is the kind of thing that would invigorate Penn sports and the culture around them. Our school could be united in a sense of shared pride over vandalism, and yet “property damage” and “jail time” stand in our way. Well, I say no more. It’s time we bring back excitement around Penn sports, and it’s time we bring back rowbottoms.

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