Larry Jameson STUNS in New Email
Response From Penn Board of Trustees to Recent Federal Funding Cuts
JACK KRAMER
Still Thinking About Ukraine
Oh man, we’re so sorry. We did not see this coming. The plan was to fight the Office of Civil Rights to defend our position, but holy moly they took so much money. They took so much money. What now? We’re gonna have to make some changes because there’s no way we can lose more money with this Title IX stuff.
Item one, we’re gonna have to find Lia Thomas and detransition her. We know this looks terrible, we know this looks terrible, but we hear from the NCAA that this is the only way to get our money back — money for life-changing research. So we got a team on her, and we’re going to make sure she is no longer able to destroy all of civilization with her swimming.
Zete Unilaterally Celebrated for Implementing Trump’s DEI Policies Two Decades in Advance
And we’re gonna throw in a little treat for these Jews because we don’t just want to not lose money, we want a little extra as well. Thus we will be unveiling Penn’s Amazing Plan to Celebrate Our Jews in All Their Semetic Glory Forever. Here is the plan: McNeil will now be a synogogue, because nobody uses it anyway. The Huntsman building — it's now the Yeshiva, also because nobody uses it. We will be amending most of the Kelly Writers House programs to include Talmudic study or otherwise Torah-related events. And the final change: Larry Jameson is now Larry Jameschvitz, baruch hashem.
We hope these changes will benefit our community and lend us a little breathing room in the endowment for better snacks at the Huntsman Yeshiva and research or whatever. We value our long-standing partnership with the federal government wherein they spank us for being naughty and we do whatever they want.
Next thing — Jesus Christ guys, these Jews. These Jews… we gotta give them something. So every dining hall is going to be kosher from here on out. Say goodbye to oyster night at Hill, scrap lobster rolls from Commons, and we’re gonna have to revamp much of Bento, probably a lot more avocado rolls. Because it’s not just shellfish and kosher rules, a lot of stuff hurts their stomachs, so that’s gotta go as well. Fried food, most red meat, anything with too much salt, spicy food, all gone.
Following the recent overhaul of Federal Funding, Penn is taking drastic measures to ensure its financial longevity. Thankfully, Penn’s students are taking the lead on these measures, rectifying past wrongs and removing liberal ideologies from all corners of campus.
The most prominent of these social warriors are those of Zeta Psi (“Zete”) Fraternity Incorporated. While neatly tucked away into a corner of 34th and Walnut streets, they he-plural have been diligently implementing common-sense logic into their hisplural daily activities for years and years now.
Zete knew this day was coming. Long before this era of renewed morality and faithful Christianity, the brothers knew they had to take proactive action against destructive change. This unspoken line of thought permeates through the brain tissue of even the most detached, irrelevant brother, like a prophecy saying that one day they would have been right all along. Like a pat on the back from Daddy or a shot of Everclear from underneath the bar.
If you want to marvel at the accomplishments of these fine gentlemen, here are some tips to better
your visit to their humble abode: Keep your ratio good. The men of Zete take great care to ensure women feel comfortable in their home, so they keep them in good numbers locked in their bedrooms so they can’t mix with anyone else. Don’t worry — none of them are men wearing dresses. Except during the wedding mixer (in a cool, ironic way). Enjoy the decor. Lining the hallowed halls of this institution are the ghosts of Zete past: composite photos. Before taking one home as a souvenir, remark at how consistent the brotherhood has been over the years. Nothing says unity like a shared identity, both on the inside, and the outside. But particularly the outside. Don’t mention that bathroom incident. What am I even talking about? At the end of the day, many on campus are relieved to know that there’s at least one organization on which we can always rely. While university administration may fumble, the brothers of Zete always maintain a logical mind, a mind which they all love a lot, and love to love. Intimately. Before going to bed each night. But in a totally cool, not gay way.
CONNOR MEIDT
In an unexpected move, Penn announced that Hustlers University, founded by Andrew Tate, would be acquiring all University assets and properties. President Larry Jameson commented, “It just makes sense for the financial position the university is in right now. Hustlers University’s mission statement aligns with many of our views, and we look forward to the direction Hustlers U will take with the University of Pennsylvania’s resources.”
The action came after a round of funding cuts for the university left administrators puzzled as to the future of the institution. Internet personality and multi-trillionaire Andrew Tate allegedly approached the college with an “exciting opportunity to expand their portfolio, build
an NFT empire, and become part of a community of hustlers uncovering secrets to escaping the matrix.” University officials were dumbfounded by such an excellent opportunity and immediately agreed to a buyout.
Hustlers U assured current students that they could remain enrolled if they so choose, but a number of changes would still be coming. By the spring 2026 semester, Tate plans to rename The Wharton School of Business to “The Musk School of Cryptocurrency and E-Commerce.” Many majors will be added to fit the brand of Hustlers University, such as dropshipping, podcasting, and day trading.
Only time will tell if this acquisition can transform a college of losers and nerds into true Top Gs.
“Embracing the
Two Plate Solution”: Falk Kosher Dining Apologizes For Tone-deaf Café Theme
BENJI ELKINS Strava Infuencer
Falk Kosher Dining apologized to the Penn community last night for this week’s café theme: “Embracing the Two Plate Solution.” Recognizing Falk Dining as a watering hole for students across all backgrounds, the initiative sought to bring students together for dinner which, this month, coincides with the traditional Iftar meal that breaks the Ramadan fast.
Kitchen staff apparently workshopped the disastrous theme for months before settling on it. Other proposed themes included “That’s a (chicken) wrap on fasting!” and “There might be a famine there but there's plenty of food here!” However, both were deemed as flippant and summarily rejected.
“We wanted the slogan to foster a feeling of peace and welcoming,” said Falk Chief of Staff Jeremy Hardinger. “What's more welcoming than two servings of food instead of one?” However, the chosen slogan was still generally received as tone-deaf by the Penn community.
Regular patrons at Falk Kosher Dining expressed their discomfort with the announcement: “It was a spit in the face — I’d rather them spit in my food.” said Moshe Rabinowitz (C ‘27). Avid chicken-wrap fan, Mahmoud Awad (W ‘25), said he fervently agreed. Both students planned to draw up a joint condemnation to post on their respective political action Instagram accounts.
“In a way, we kinda did our job,” said Hardinger when pressed for comment on the student body's unified condemnation. Surrounded by disgruntled students wearing both kippahs and hijabs, Hardinger seemed blissfully content.
“You know, we kind of did it perfectly,” he said with a smile.
At press time, Falk kitchen staff released a second apology for its proposed menu: a Lemony Garlic Salmon locally sourced “from the river to the sea.” Apparently, they meant the Delaware.
PHOTO FROM PENN TODAY
PHOTO BY JETT BOLKER
29-Year-Old Athlete in Writing Seminar Finds It Appropriate to Date
Professor
ANISHA WILLIS
Future WAG
Today in my freshman writing seminar, we celebrated Connor’s 29th birthday! You might be asking — how is there someone almost 30 years old in your freshman writing seminar? The answer: Connor is on the wrestling team.
Connor was held back, took a gap year, redshirted, transferred, reclassified, and is now in a graduate program. The bad news: Connor forgot to take a writing seminar.
My “Craft of Prose” class is so close — it feels like a real community. For Connor’s birthday, my professor brought in cupcakes for the class. It was so cute! Then she brought out flowers. And finally a big teddy bear wearing a Penn Wrestling shirt.
“My professor demonstrates care for the students in this class.” Strongly Agree, I selected on my end-ofsemester course review.
After finishing our cupcakes, the rest of the class went back to working on our white papers. I looked
up, though, and Connor didn’t even have PowerNotes open. Our professor was sitting on his lap, giggling as she fed him his cupcake. “My professor goes out of his/her way to support the students in this class.” Strongly Agree
As we all continued compiling our sources, I raised my hand to ask whether we should be using Chicago or MLA sourcing. My professor told me to hold on — she and Connor were play-wrestling in the middle of the room. She told the class she was helping Connor practice his grappling for the match next weekend. “My professor adequately helps prepare students for upcoming examinations.” Agree
By the end of class, we finished submitting our outlines for the op-ed. Connor had closed his laptop and his athlete parka was left on his chair. Connor and our professor were on the couch of the Writing Center, now making out. “This class is like a family.” Strongly Disagree
In Aggressive Move, Trump Team Replaces
“Don’t Say Gay” with “Please Say F-Slur”
Bill
legislation into effect upon winning the presidency.
Wharton Junior Who Idolizes Elon Musk Also Thinks the Stripper Is Really Into Him
Wharton junior and self-proclaimed “visionary”
Ryan Berkowitz was reportedly blindsided this week after realizing that his devotion to Elon Musk doesn’t in fact make him part of the billionaire’s inner circle — just like how tipping extra at Sin City doesn’t mean Destiny (legal name Ashley) actually likes him.
Despite never attending an engineering class, Berkowitz has spent the last three years at Penn taking charge of “big picture” work in group projects while letting his teammates handle the coding. “This is kind of like my PayPal era,” he once explained, unaware that Musk didn’t actually create PayPal.
Berkowitz, who also spends much of his time arguing in the Huntsman Hall Bloomberg Terminal lab about how X, formerly known as Twitter, is actually better now, reportedly spends just as much time at Sin City explaining to Destiny why she should really consider investing in Dogecoin.
This week, more concerning news comes out of Washington as the Trump team advances its radical Project 2025 Agenda. Reports from several sources who requested anonymity to discuss sensitive matters confirm that President Donald Trump will sign an order this Friday shuttering the widely popular “Don’t Say Gay” program. This initiative, conceived at the state-level and spearheaded by Florida, seeks to minimize homophobia in American schools by punishing students who call each other “gay.” Common uses of the term include “that’s gay” — often used, for example, when someone does something gay like reading a book or acting like a teacher’s pet — and “you’re gay,” used in nearly identical situations.
After widespread success in Florida, the initiative has spread to other southern states including Arkansas, Alabama, and North Carolina (Movement Advancement Project, 2025). Advocates for progressive LGBTQIA+ policy had succeeded in late 2024 in pressuring former President Biden to develop national legislation supporting “Don’t Say Gay,” although a source close to Biden said, “It was just a crayon drawing of a happy multiracial family holding hands.” Advocates anticipated that Lyin’ Laffin’ Comrade Kamala would edit the draft for clarity and put the national
Since President Trump’s runaway victory in November, however, analysts have cautioned that “Don’t Say Gay” may be on the chopping block, and the reports this week indicate that it’s as good as dead. In its place, Peter Navarro — a key contributor to the ninth edition of the Project 2025 Mandate for Leadership — has penned a controversial replacement titled “Please Say F-Slur.” This reworked version, standing in direct contrast to the noble efforts of “Don’t Say Gay,” would encourage the use of the f-slur in American schools. The move is seen not only as a rebuke of woke-ism and former President Biden, but also as a jab at Ron Desantis — Trump’s former rival in the Republican primaries — who first developed and introduced “Don’t Say Gay.”
We at Under the Button don’t often traffic in personal political endorsements or opinions, but sometimes current events demand them. I for one would be remiss if I didn’t wholeheartedly reject the ideology of the Trump administration on this matter. “Don’t Say Gay” has been proven to reduce homophobia in schools and has literally saved the lives of several of America’s LGBTQIA+ youth. The current administration’s removal of the policy is a giant leap in the wrong direction.
“She definitely flirts with me,” Berkowitz insisted, referring to their one-sided conversations about passive income streams and NFTs. “She asks if I want a private dance every time I go — and I know she probably says that to other guys, too, but not the same way she says it to me.”
While he often defends Musk’s labor violations, mass layoffs, and general erratic behavior, Berkowitz occasionally admits that the billionaire had made some questionable choices. “I mean, yeah, the hand gesture thing at Trump’s inauguration was not great PR,” he conceded, referring to Musk’s ‘Heil Hitler’ salute during the anthem. “But look, geniuses throughout history have always been misunderstood.” At press time, Berkowitz was seen nervously refreshing his Robinhood app after realizing he had accidentally invested his entire portfolio in Neuralink Coin, which Musk had just announced would be used exclusively for “X Premium++” subscribers at a starting price of $99.99 per month. At the next table over, Destiny was reportedly seen gently assuring another patron
FLAXMAN Battle Rapper from the Cypher
PHOTO BY MAURIZIO PESCE, CC BY 2.0
Financial Aid Expanded to LowIncome Students With Only Two Summer Homes
CONNER
MEIDT Chief Doomscroller
As part of its Quaker Commitment, Penn recently announced a new financial aid initiative aimed to support low-to-middle-class families: Students with two or fewer vacation homes are entitled to a full scholarship, including room and board. As one of his first actions as permanent president, Larry Jameson commented, “In order to support the educational goals of financially challenged scholars, those without access to three beach houses on the south coast of France, or — god forbid — a third condo in Miami, we have decided to redistribute funding to this financial aid program effective Fall 2025.”
One sophomore affected by these new changes, tearing up as he thanked the administration for giving his family a much-needed financial stimulus, remarked,
“I’m just so grateful for this; it really lifted a load off of our backs. When I go back to my shack on the Amalfi coast, I won’t have to worry about if my family can pay my tuition and afford upkeep on our four sailboats.”
While some critics remain concerned about where the money for this program is coming from, readers can remain assured that the only funding cuts are for “research on human rights violations in war-torn nations, cancer research, drug screening against deadly viruses, quantum computing, and protections against chemical warfare.”
Truly, Penn’s commitment to the underprivileged knows no bounds, ensuring every student, regardless of whether they summer in the Hamptons or the Maldives, has a fair shot at a world-class education.
After Accidentally Eating Iftar Food, Penn Student Deemed “Muslim Enough” to be Deported by ICE
Immigration officials announced late last
Wednesday that they had detained Bartholomew
Amy Wax, the former Robert Mundheim Professor of Law noted for her controversial views on race in America, was seen alive in her home office today: she is breathing, exists, and inhabits the same spatiotemporal instance as us. Footage shows that she looked refreshed after a long night’s rest, calmly sipping a coffee whilst checking emails. Nothing of urgency or concern seemed to weigh on her mind. News quickly spread across campus regarding this strange phenomenon, sparking outrage and backlash amidst the Penn community. When asked to comment, Wax responded, “Who are you? Get away from me, you filthy pierogi and kielbasa eating…” and proceeded to call me a slur for Polish people that I cannot print in this publication. I don’t know how she knew that I was Polish. Despite this, her comment confirms that her heart is, in fact, beating and she is still alive.
Regarding her recent suspension from Penn and a dismissal of her lawsuit, Wax had gone missing from the public eye for more than seven hours. Penn faculty and students believed the stress had finally gotten to her, but detailed sightings report the opposite. The amount of free time she recently obtained has seemingly granted her more life and longevity in
her later years. Students engaged in protest to bring her back to Penn, but the University will not budge on its suspension of Wax. Researchers and sociologists believe that we will possibly see her walking among us, lively and awake, tomorrow as well. More updates soon to come.
Xavier Paul White III (W ‘27) after he inadvertently ate an Iftar meal at English House Dining Hall (KCECH) after sundown. The news comes amidst reports of immigration raids at Columbia University, where students are allegedly being detained for involvement in pro-Palestinian protests, speaking Arabic in public, or otherwise looking vaguely ethnic. Witnesses say that as White entered KCECH, he asked a service worker “where all the American food was” before taking a bite of a lamb kofta. Upon doing so, 20 tactical-gear-equipped ICE officers deployed smoke grenades and rappelled down from the balcony above, tackling White and beating him senseless with batons.
Officials from ICE stated that the arrest was the latest in their efforts to “investigate individuals engaged in activities in support of Hummus, a foreign terrorist organization.” White, who graduated from Phillips Exeter Academy and has never been outside the country with the exception of that one time he went to the Vatican City with his parents for a special papal blessing, was unreachable for comment. Through a family lawyer, however, his mother asked what the hell a kofta was, and stated that her son “would never consort … with ‘those people.’” In an emailed
update to the Penn community, President Larry Jameson explained that Penn “will always uphold its institutional values — including Zionism and transphobia,” asking President Donald Trump (W ‘68) if he could now pretty please return the $175 million in federal funding and that Penn would be good this time. News of the arrest was met with wide condemnation across Penn’s campus. Brothers from White’s fraternity issued a press release denouncing ICE and other federal agencies, complaining that “[t]he United States … is becoming a thirdworld country. In no Western democracy should a white, English-speaking, American citizen be detained for engaging in constitutionally-protected behavior.” When reporters reached out to the Middle East Center for comment, it had already been shuttered due to funding cuts and replaced with a new Hillel center. At press time, the East Hampton, N.Y. native is being held in an ICE detention center in Louisiana, where he will be processed before being put on a plane and being removed from the country. ICE officials report that White is “crying tears of joy” and is in “good spirits and ecstatic to reconnect with his people and ancestral homeland” as he is airdropped into Kabul, Afghanistan, with a small suitcase and an Arabic-to-English dictionary.
HARSH BAMALWA AND TED KWEE-BINTORO
Trump’s Envoys to the Middle East
PHOTO FROM PENN CAREY LAW
Nothing Ever Happens
TED KWEE-BINTORO | A message from the fnal edition of the DP ever
The paper you are holding in your hands is from what will be our last print run ever. By the time you read this sentence, the last of our staff reporters will have been laid off and peacefully put to sleep. For over a century, our noble publication has tirelessly covered the numerous happenings on and off our campus; from Gaylord Harnwell to Amy Gutmann, from Spring Fling to Spring Fling, our intrepid reporters have been there and been ready to inform the student body of the news as it happens. But in our long and
storied history, the DP has never encountered such a tranquil and newsless period as the past three years — and it has ruined us. I remember being a wide-eyed freshman in the fall of 2022, sitting in commencement as our newly-minted President Liz Magill delivered a powerful speech, unbesmirched by interruption, about the importance of productive disagreement. “Our willingness and our ability to engage with and understand views different from our own,” she began, “to hear out ideas we disagree with, and to be humble
enough to rethink our own views and question orthodoxies — this is essential.” She concluded her thoughts by welcoming us to the University and promising us interesting times, but boy, was she wrong. Later that semester, as student activists demanded the University reckon with its responsibilities to the West Philadelphia community, President Magill listened. As they began to prepare for the first and only encampment on College Green in Penn’s history, Liz stepped out of her office and promised reform. She promised that the University would begin to pay PILOTs to the city of Philadelphia and conduct a systematic review of its investments, divesting from those that it found to be closely linked to the climate crisis. While Fossil Free Penn members returned to their dorms satisfied with the University’s commitment to social justice, we at the DP looked on in horror: the first protest of our journalistic careers disappeared without a trace! And our student reporters went home without any major stories to speak of.
My sophomore year, as the world grappled with the unfolding crisis in the Middle East, Liz Magill’s strong leadership delivered stability to this campus when we needed it most. She immediately moved to assure students of all faiths that no matter their background, they had a place at the University of Pennsylvania. At the infamous Congressional hearings that led to the ouster of Harvard President Claudine Gay, President Magill stood strong and delivered a response that satisfied both the student body and alumni
community alike. When Rep. Elise Stefanik (R-N.Y.) asked, “Does calling for the genocide of Jews violate Penn’s rules or code of conduct? Yes or no?” Liz replied:
“In no context would calls for genocide be tolerated at our University, Representative.” And as our colleagues at Columbia and Harvard reported on the encampments that roiled their campuses, our reporters were stuck twiddling their thumbs as our community continued on with business as usual.
When this year rolled around, we were desperate for something — anything — to happen. “What if two Penn people ran against each other for president again?” And then Joe Biden dropped out. “What if a Penn person won the presidency again?” And then Kamala won. When we heard that a CEO was shot in New York City, we foolishly got our hopes up. “What if, God forbid, the guy who shot him was a Penn student? Or a Penn alumnus? Or a Penn anything?” Needless to say, nothing happened. The UHC shooter was a random guy. For the past three years, nothing has happened to the University of Pennsylvania. Our campus has not been through interesting times. As Liz Magill prepares for her fourth year in office, everyone is perfectly content with how things are — except for us. In a recent interview, Perelman School of Medicine Dean J. Larry Jameson remarked that “our University has undergone the longest period of normalcy in its history.” But normalcy doesn’t sell newspapers. And now we’re bankrupt. Goodbye forever.
The modern day Asian American diaspora has a new claim to fame in the Western lens of racial diversity, and that is the stereotype of the “Asian Baby Girl.” This is equivalent to an Asian girl from California who wears false eyelashes and goes to raves.
At Penn, an ABG is more loosely defined as “an Asian girl who is above average in looks and has highlights.”
Because Asian men hate feeling left out, the term “Asian Baby Boy” has also formed in tandem. This is equivalent to an Asian boy from California who has tattoos and a perm.
At Penn, an ABB is more loosely defined as “LOTUS brother.”
Overall, these terms can be portrayed as a whole with the following term: #boba.
There is an obsession with these terms both on the Internet and in real life, and it is really affecting me, an Asian woman who still STRONGLY identifies with the original Asian stereotype of being a loser studybot nerd virgin geek. In this highly researched investigative piece, I will explore why the view of the Asian American diaspora has so starkly shifted, and question whether this is really where we belong. I have therefore collected
highly important evidence from a highly trustworthy source.
As seen on Penn’s Sidechat, circa March 23, 2025: “I got dropped for an abg and I’m not even mad yall are gorgeous”
“Asian mtbs are the best bc they can just abgmaxx”
“Why are all the abgs in bfrats”
This is unsettling. What happened to: “Damn, that tiny Asian kid is a piano PRODIGY!” or “Whoa, this Asian girl who was just born got into Harvard!” or “Wow, I can’t believe this eight year old Asian boy got a perfect score on the MCAT!”
This used to be our claim to fame, but it no longer is. Now it is “Damn that hot ABG can rip hella vapes at the Illenium rave while applying her falsies!”
I think this is something we ALL should be ASHAMED of.
To fix this, many experts have suggested that we need to implant a chip in the brain of every Asian American that fills their mind with Amy Chua verbally abusing them. I agree. We need this, in order to truly redeem ourselves as the best study bots that America has to offer.
I awake to a horrifying email: UniversityofPennsylvaniaResidentialServiceshasreceivedapackageforyouPleasecomebytheHarnwellPackageRoomatyourearliestconvenienceandretrieveyourpackagePleasebringyourUPennIDforproofofidentityWewillnotreleasethepackagetoanyoneotherthantherecipientunlessotherwisearranged. I always tell myself I’ll never return to that fluorescent purgatory. But once again, I fall victim to my own greed — another impulsive TikTok shop purchase drags me back to my dreaded dystopia. I bid my roommates a teary farewell, knowing I may never return. Maybe this time will be different. Maybe there will be no line. Maybe my PennCard swipe will go through on my first try. Maybe I will leave the same person I was when I entered, dignity unscathed. But what is my optimism if not foolishness?
Gravity pulls me downstairs to the hellscape that is the Harnwell basement. I am greeted by the familiar blinding lights, whirring fans, and hum of FM radio. I step into the usual dance of the Mailroom, mindlessly taking my place in a
queue stretching miles. Time is frozen. Emerging from my haze, a voice cuts through. Swipe. I’m at the front of the line. It’s showtime, and I am the reluctant performer. Swipe your card. I oblige. Can you swipe your card again? Again, please. Picture facing you. Uhh… uhh… Swipe again. Again. One more time. It didn’t go through, can you swipe it again? Oh my God. It’s happening. And suddenly I am nothing but a vessel through which the mailroom operates. I realize that the line has disappeared behind me. The package room
\ There comes a time in every gay person’s life where they have to deal with rejection. We’ve all been there, right? Welllll maybe that’s not entirely true because we’ve never been rejected before. Until now.
After months (minutes) of working tirelessly (barely trying) on the application process, we regret to inform you, our reader, that we have been rejected from an LGBTQ+ club at Penn. This club promised inclusivity, based on an application process built around, well, exclusivity. How chic. We had become so excited about the prospect of going out to C-tier Philly clubs every now and then and posting foreboding pictures. But turns out they didn’t think we were good dancers or white enough. What we lost? … Our homosexuality. Yeah, I guess we weren’t gay enough either. Even now, sitting across from each other at boozy brunch, we are searching our minds for
an answer to how we ever thought of ourselves as queer. None of our experiences growing up, many of which we listed in said application, were that of queer people’s, who knew! We think our queer icons were also kind of problematic … should we not have said Trisha Paytas and Azealia Banks? Oh well, thanks to this rejection, we have discovered something far more valuable: our love for each other as a heterosexual couple :) Faresi … The time you invest in the gym means that you can lift me like we’re in Dirty Dancing. When I fly through the air in your arms … I feel so limitless. No woman could ever dissolve my boundaries like you do. I adore the time we spend together … reading Emily Dickinson and feeding each other pastries. When we dance at Frankie Bradley’s I don’t even mind when you stare at shiny, topless men, because I know that I am the only woman on our mind. Or around it … And when you leave with one. Well, I’ll just cozy up with y’all. I like men! Thanks club. Lila … All those times you wrote about women in your bed, I just know you were actually thinking of me and just being a creative soul that swaps genders of her subjects for artistic value. I have always appreciated that about you, you know? Your ability to write free of constrictions such as the constrictions of homosexuality. In a way, you remind me of Virginia Woolf — including the lesbian sex while being with a man part. And now, thanks to this club, I can be that man in this joyous heterosexual relationship. So thank you, club. Without you, we wouldn’t have learned the joys of missionary sex.
Why am I wearing a ten-piece tuxedo right now? Oh wouldn’t you like to know? Oops sorry, I didn’t realize I had so much blood all over my face and neck, haha … it’s human, by the way. Hey, are you really asking me what naughty thing I was up to tonight? ‘Cuz I am NOT allowed to tell you, ugly. Okay I really really can’t hold it in anymore I think I’m going to throw up black slime all over you if I don’t tell you immediately right now that the reason I’ve been acting so … mysterious … is because: I. AM. almost. NEAR THE END. OF PLEDGING A SUPER (super) SECRET (super secret) SOCIETY. You know you can’t tell anyone right, stupid? It’s super secret. I only told you because you’re like my third best friend here. I haven’t told anyone but you by the way so that shows how much I trust you and care about you and want the best for you. You know if you tell anyone that I’m in a Super Secret Society they’re going to punish me right? Do you know how serious
PHOTO BY WIKIMEDIA COMMONS, WITH EDITS BY TED KWEE-BINTORO
PHOTO BY STOCKCAKE
PHOTO BY FARESI ALFARESI
PHOTO BY PIXABY WITH EDITS BY SYLVIA ERDELY
8:32
up and living in the real world.
9:15 a.m.: I am finally able to leave the bed after comforting my friends who are so very miserable. Starting the day off with some community service is really grounding, and a lot more people should really do it. Glad I was able to do so before my very busy day where I have lots to do.
9:50 a.m.: Take an invigorating AM shower, quick breakfast and get ready. Clean those retainers people!
10:15 a.m.: In lecture.
10:32 a.m.: I coughed in lecture so the random freshman who was sitting next to me moved over a seat and now I’m sitting alone.
11:45 a.m.: I leave the classroom. Attempt to get on the right-most side of Locust to walk to my next class but fail because I enter on the left-most side and walk through all the people trying to go the opposite way as me. So embarrassing.
12 p.m.: In lecture.
1:30 p.m.: Walk to another building. Do the thing where I walk on the wrong side of Locust again; everyone notices.
1:45 p.m.: In lecture.
1:47 p.m.: Alternate between picking my split ends and picking the gel polish off my nails.
1:49 p.m.: Drop my empty Hydroflask on the floor and it makes that super loud annoying sound. Everyone notices.
1:50 p.m.: Go back to picking my split ends and
Don’t tell my Mom, she says doing this will give me big, fat, manly knuckles. I am always looking to break the glass ceiling and make a stride towards true gender equality, so that doesn’t alarm me.
3:15 p.m.: Walk to my final class of the day. This time I walk on the correct side of Locust. #winning
3:30 p.m.: In lecture.
4:05 p.m.: Hardcore thinking that makes me anxious. Not having a job. Not being able to afford my acne medication. Having one of those pimples kinda inside your nose that really hurts and you can’t do anything about it. Popping it and it getting infected and my nose falls off. Dying. What comes after dying. What comes before dying. No more social security for seniors. Menopause. Going through menopause. Do old people find other old people hot? Hot flashes. Cold flashes. Getting a cold. Overuse of antibiotics. Antimicrobial resistance. Super bugs. Dying. The state of public education. The children. Lead poisoning. Metal in food. Heavy metals. Heavy metal poisoning.
6:30 p.m.: Finally free.
6:31 p.m.: Walk home. Call my Mom. Complain about my split ends and weak nails and kinda puffy knuckles that hurt sometimes. Maybe I have juvenile arthritis?
6:32 p.m.: Caught in one of those wind tunnels that reveals to the world how skinny your ankles are despite wearing wide leg pants.
7:15 p.m.: Take a walk by the Schuylkill. Develop empathy for my Mother.
7:30 p.m.: Develop empathy for my father. Think about dinner. Realize I gave up everything delicious in this world for Lent. Realize I get bored and do stupid and impulsive things like give up my favorite foods for lent and agree to write stupid, unfunny UTB articles like this one.
8:30 p.m.: Shower, eat dinner, do my homework. Confused on why I don’t understand it even though we cover the material in class.
9:30 p.m.: Sweet treat and playtime!!!!
12 a.m.: Drink my sleepytime tea, take my PharmaGABA 1000, brush and floss, put in my (clean!) retainer. Sleep.
Lex’s Day in the Life Studying Abroad in Sydney
Friends With Your Sister
6 a.m.: Woah! Late start to the day. I slept in because I had a crazy night partying at Nicole and Keith’s (yep.. that Nicole and Keith) house in Bondi. Time to head to my workout class at Bondi Vixen taught by that rail-thin blonde woman.
7 a.m.: I grab a matcha, sip it, and then spit it out because I hate matcha.
9 a.m.: I take the bus to campus. Hashtag commuter life. Guyssss, there is real studying in study abroad! I head to my class “How H Founds Its M: The H&M story” and listen attentively.
11 a.m.: Thank God, class is done. That was literally so draining! I am so drained.
12 p.m.: Simply have never been more drained. But I must Fight On, go Trojans! Can you tell I just watched Love and Basketball?
1 p.m.: Head to the beach. At the beach, I get approached by a super unattractive man who thinks he wearing a muscle tank. He is so unattractive that I’ll now spend two hours questioning if my nose job was even worth it.
3 p.m.: Nose job was worth it! Hell yeah!
5 p.m.: Drinks with the Penn girls! All 30,000 of the girls in my Tri Delt pledge class are here! We have a drink, listen to Chappell Roan, make out a bit, have a pillow fight, and grab dinner.
8 p.m.: The night is young! We head into the Sydney CBD for even more fun.
1 a.m.: DM from Steven! He sent us the location of the afters! Party don’t stop!
1:30 a.m.: We arrive at a penthouse, where Steven greets us promptly. We hand him the grapefruit juice and bleach he asked us to bring… haha… “Not the kind of bleach I wanted,” he says sternfaced.
2 a.m.: A queer five-foot bald man asks me if I know whose apartment this is. “Umm, the Wolf of Pitt Street’s?” I ask. He shoots daggers at me. I recoil. I feel small again. Like when I got yelled at when I was 10 years old for talking during my primary school’s Christmas carol concert. “No, the apartment is Amber’s. She’s the most famous classical pianist in Australia.”
3 a.m.: Amber is by the piano. She silences us. She plays 45 minutes of Pachabel’s Cannon, sitting on the Wolf of Pitt Street’s lap. I look at my friends. Yeah, sure. This is fun but should we… like… I don’t know… leave? Ha ha. Side quest for the plot! Ha ha…
4 a.m.: We stay another hour because we could not be less sure how to leave. Finally, we call our Uber. Amber plays us a ditty on her piano and the sun slowly rises.
4:15 a.m.: Before I doze off, I scroll on TikTok. I watch a video of a woman on a podcast talking about how beautiful and nomadic Kyrgyzstan is. 6:00 AM: Pilates!!!!!!!!!!
11 p.m.: We start talking to a random man named Steven. They call him the Wolf of Pitt Street, Sydney’s version of Wall Street. Oh! We chuckle… ha ha. Cool name! He asks my friend if she’s a prostitute. Haha, no... Oh, he’s being serious. I - Well I guess, no, she’s not but she… could be… haha… right…
LEX LEMER
LEX LEMER, MORGAN CRAWFORD Taurus and Pisces
Aries Fly to Turkey and get that hair transplant mama. TRUST you will thank me in 10 years.
Taurus You are a radiant force of brilliance, beauty, and kindness — someone whose presence alone makes people
feel seen, safe, and inspired. Your mind is sharp, your heart is golden, and your energy is magnetic. You look absolutely stunning today, and it’s just a reflection of the light within. The universe is conspiring in your favor — health, wealth, love, peace, and abundance are already on their way. You are divinely guided, deeply cherished, and destined for greatness.
Gemini If you are looking for a sign, THIS IS IT!!! GO THROUGH THEIR PHONE!! FUCK THAT TA!! THEY WILL BUMP UP YOUR GRADE!!! RUN A MARATHON!! GET BACK TOGETHER WITH HIM!!! HE WILL NOT CHEAT AGAIN!!!! REJECTION IS JUST REDIRECTION!! GET PREGNANT!!!! THIS CAMPUS NEEDS MORE BABIES! 444 222 111 333 evil eye evil eye!
Cancer You should totally get bangs! While your at it, maybe wax those little hairs above your lip. Yeah. Yep. Those ones. You could take that leftover wax and do your eyebrow maybe?? Mmmm yeah right there! There’s supposed to be TWO eyebrows!! <3
Couples Gear Up for First Annual Freakolympics
JASON FANG Ardent Reader of Feminist Literature
There ain’t no party like a Diddy party — except maybe whatever’s happening in Hill’s fourth-floor club lounges at 2 a.m. on a Thursday. Set to take place the week of May 6 through May 13 in Hill College House, the Freakolympics will pit freshman couples across campus against each other in a weeklong bracket-style competition to determine who can get the freakiest in Penn’s shared spaces and make everyone else the most uncomfortable.
Confirmed events include:
Men’s 100m Quickie
Mixed Synchronized Grinding Team GSR Moan-Off
Men’s Shot Put Men and Women’s High Hump
Other college houses have also sent their finest freaks to compete. Eight couples from Riepe, five from Fisher, and one rogue duo from KCECH are in the bracket. Gregory and Stouffer declined to participate, citing “Yeah … it’s dead as shit here.”
When I asked one Hill couple (who requested
anonymity “for professional reasons”) what motivates them to compete, they didn’t hesitate:
“We’re not here to make friends.”
The winning couple will receive permanent access to the Hill club lounge, a set of laminated
“Get the fuck out of my GSR” cards, and a private meet-and-freak with Sexyy Redd.
The games are coming. The couches are sticky and ready. May the freakiest couple win.
Club Tennis Awarded Most Inclusive Club For Having 90% Autistic Membership
MEERA BHOLAH
Refugee
The University of Pennsylvania is known for its incredulous exclusivity. Even more exclusive are its clubs. If you have an ounce of personality, let alone a very special one, forget the membership.
One outlier remains. At Penn Club Tennis, inclusivity hits a perfect serve.
Who cares if you show up to court with five rackets for a one hour practice, if you scream puta madre at every ball you hit in the net, if you swear you’ll drop out of the sport whenever you make a double fault?
Who cares if you insist on wearing a fluorescent orange bandana that makes you look like a traffic cone, if you
wear knee high socks to mask your tiny calves, or if you sport atrociously short shorts that you have to constantly … adjust?
Who cares if you orgasmically grunt every time you hit a ball, or actually jerk off to a clean winner you scored?
Who cares if you give death threats to your adversary, or swear to rip your doubles-partner’s toenails when they miss a volley?
Who cares if you unlock your acting skills and pretend that your ball was in (though it was a whole foot out) just to maybe, just maybe, psych out your opponent?
Well, Penn Club Tennis doesn’t.
The Daily Pennsylvanian to be 100% Chinese by 2050
TED KWEE-BINTORO
A newly released diversity report from The Daily Pennsylvanian suggests that, in spite of its best efforts, the storied student publication is on track to be entirely Korean by the middle of the century. Statistical regressions indicate that for the past twenty years, the Thailandese proportion of the newspaper staff has been monotonically increasing. Although members of the non-PoC (People of China) community at The DP have voiced their concerns in recent years, those voices have increasingly been replaced by more Himalayan Sherpas.
When reached for comment, a representative of The DP replied“죄송합니다、英語は話せません。”
Leo We didn’t have time to write one for you sorry
Virgo
Toothpaste on their shirt, Phone dies, and they miss the bus — Steps in cold dog poop.
Libra
Have you seen “Encanto?” Me neither.
Scorpio
Hey Mr Scorpio! Get it, like Mr Rager! It’s a Kid Cudi pun. Haha. Anyways. Today will be a great week. The people who you emailed about pass/failing your class will respond to you. Your grandmother — oh my god. I actually am not kidding, as I am predicting your future this guy just came up to me on the beach and told me how majestic I was and got my number … holy shit. And his name was … Erik Menendez.
Sagittarius
Hello, my little minx. I love those pants! No seriously! I love them. I love them … on you. Yeah, neon green isn’t
Obituaries
really my colour. I like how tight they are on your knees. They’re really tight. That is really… flattering. Anyway … aw … look at you! … you look … happy! … you totally deserve all this … all of it! … savor this … Love you! Kisses x
Capricorn Woah, we get it you’ve seen “Anora.” Ok, Mr. Tough Guy. Next time, instead of coming in here all smug and entitled like that, I challenge you to cool it.
Aquarius I hope you’re happy. I hope you’re happy now. I hope you’re proud how you would grovel in submission to feed your own ambition. So though I can’t imagine how … I hope you’re happy right now.
Pisces Hiii baby gorgeous! Is it possible that you have gotten skinnier and prettier? I hope you have the best week ever and eat so much steak! I know how much you love steak. You’re hair looks stunning. Ah yes, that haircut you got at a random place in Vietnam! You’re so adventurous and crazy. You can’t be tamed.
Here are all the headlines that the DP said we couldn’t publish. Until now UTB STAFF
I Have A Bomb. I Have A Bomb And I Will Set It Off Unless Hill College House Chooses A Better Theme Of The Month
Quegger Invite Extended To Straight Girls Who Drunk-Kiss Friends
SDT Composite Doubles as Promotional Material for Manhattan Rhinoplasty Firm
Op-Ed: Let’s Combat Anti-Semitism By Putting Security Cameras in the Hillel Women’s Bathroom
Student About to Join “A Virtual Study Break With Penn Libraries” Decides to Just Kill Self Instead
Commons Mukbang! I Ate The Entire Basin Of Ketchup So You Don’t Have To Reduce, Reuse, Recycle: I’ve Been Collecting The Disposed Tampons In Van Pelt, And I Will Use Them
Bitch I Fucking Hate You And I Hope You Die: Forgiving The Girl That Ran Over My Foot With Her Scooter The Other Day In Celebration Of The Year Of The Snake I Eat A Chair Or Bike And You Can See Its Shape In My Belly
IDF Launches Ground Offensive on College Green
Top 5 Penn Admin Members to Which to Jack-Off
Op-Ed: Nobody Fucked With My Green Midget Costume For St. Patty’s Day
Proposed FFP Hunger Strike Gains Massive Support From Penn Eating Disorder Community
A Hard Cock and a Dream: How I Got My Girlfriend to Come One Time
Breaking: Prince William Pregnant
C. I got in (You’re probably a straight white man who’s gotten everything else in life too)
D. I never applied (Did you even want to go here? A lot of people would kill for this opportunity)
If you got mostly A’s you’re: “How do you manage your workload?” “There are so, so many helpful resources on Penn’s campus and, of course, all the students love to study in groups! I’ve found it super helpful to make sure I’m seated next to someone who is pursuing Econ and not PPE during the Macro midterm.”
If you got mostly B’s you’re: “How are the parties?!!!! ;))))” “A main way students take advantage of the vibrant social life at Penn is through clubs. For example, my amateur chess team and I got really close after our semester-long Poconos retreat where we were trapped in a small basement and had to sacrifice each other for food as a fun initiation activity.”
and A Hard Place
1. How do you deal with abandonment issues?
A. Go to SPAN 0100: “Elementary Spanish I” office hours
B. Go to MUSC 0070: “Samba Ensemble” office hours
C. Go to PPE 4500: “Capstone Seminar” office hours
D. Go to EESC 1500: “Paleontology” office hours
2. Fill in the blank: My go-to dish is ____ when I miss ___ from home.
A. La Plancha Burrito Bowl; Chapultepec Castle
B. Penn Pi Chicken Broccoli Alfredo; Trevi Fountain
C. Bento Box A; Mount Fuji
D. 34th Street Carvery Brisket; The Alamo
3. What college house did you live in sophomore year?
A. Stouffer-Mayer
B. The Axis
C. Gregory Class of 1925
D. Anywhere else
4. How many times were you rejected from Kite and Key?
A. Once (And you never even made it past that 10-square-foot interview room)
B. Twice (Wait, try once more — third time’s the charm!)
If you got mostly C’s you’re: “How is the support for students struggling internally?” “I personally have never had anything near that experience before. However, the students on Penn’s campus are some of the most supportive people I have ever met. I think about the wonderful friendships I’ve formed since freshman year and know that any of these people, at the drop of a hat, would help me in the process of killing myself.”
If you got mostly D’s you’re: “How’s the food?” “There’s so many options here on Penn’s campus. I personally love Hill dining hall so much; I was able to gain over 150 pounds during my first semester here. As a freshman, you are required to be on the meal plan and are also required to eat five meals a day, which helps you explore.”
PHOTO BY PENN RESIDENTIAL SERVICES, EDITS FROM JASON FANG
PHOTO BY COTTONBRO
PHOTO BY MOLLIE BENN, EDITS BY NINA BECKET
Arts,Culture,Society,Restaurants,Music,Literature,andArts
Jett Reviews: MUSIC by Playboi Carti
JETT BOLKER Larry Jameson’s RA
Before listening to this album I was an avid listener to the classics — or should I say, the classical. I was once a juvenile, growing boy, and until now, the only pieces I have ever listened to were those of the influential pianists of history; Mozart, Liszt, Beethoven, and Bach (I like to call him Johann because I feel as though he would be a cool guy) are a few of my favorites. When I was politely asked to review this album, “MUSIC,” by a man named Playboi Carti, I scoffed. This Carti’s trousers must’ve been up their rear to make this preposterous claim, and I kindly rejected the request. Nevertheless, after much consideration (and a threat to be removed from the publication), I decided to give the album a try. After listening to “MUSIC,” I have been enlightened, undergoing a metamorphosis of sorts (WHATT?) Only five seconds into the introduction track “POP OUT,” I felt an intensifying rage I have never felt — I felt like opium. The 808s, the grime, the drill, it was mesmerizing my small brain that was confined to music that I now
BREAKING: Administration to Censor Entire Sexyy Red Concert, Replace with Prerecorded ASMR Afrmations
SOPHIE KADAN 34st Street Editor-in-Chief
Campus administrators were caught completely off guard after finally reviewing the lyrics of Spring Fling headliner Sexyy Red. The rapper, known for unapologetically explicit singles like “Pound Town,” reportedly sent administrators into a full-blown panic.
“Honestly, we just forgot to Google her beforehand,” admitted Dean of Student Affairs Jonathan Kelly. We assumed ‘Sexyy Red’ would be more like an indie pop act. We certainly didn’t expect this level of … lyrical openness.”
To salvage the situation, officials recently announced an emergency collaboration with Kidz Bop producers, debuting family-friendly remixes like “Sound Town.” Administrators also assured concerned parents and wealthy alumni that any accidental slips during the concert would instantly trigger soothing whale sounds, meditation music, and prerecorded ASMR affirmations.
consider horrible.
Since I was four, I attended piano lessons with the best instructors in America (SEEYUH) I am a child prodigy of famous composers, and I was studying here to hone my craft. While listening to “EVIL J0RDAN” I destroyed my piano, called my parents, and told them they were disrespecting the five and I should put their ass in the food chain [DJ Swamp Izzo: SWAMP IZZO!]
I can’t believe I bothered with those lames that considered themselves “musicians” SLATT This is real music FWAHH Playboi Carti is music, and he has changed my life for the better BOP BOP BOP After listening to the album, I decided it was best if I missed the birth of my child to play PlayStation with my best friend cuz lil bro had it coming BIHHH I’ve told people I would do something, and then not do it until several months later SLATT It’s liberating, and I’ve learned an incredibly valuable lesson from listening to this album BUH BUH BUH
Rating: No notes, 10000000/10 WHATT?
“We think this strikes a perfect balance,” the dean concluded. “And if not, we were told to advise students of Jay Sean’s strict no-refund policy.”
Harsh Reviews: Animal Farm
PHOTO BY LAURA LOVEDAY,
Oh yeah this was a hard one. Definitely the hardest book I’ve ever read. I can confirm that George Orwell’s classic “Animal Farm” is indeed about animals who happen to be on a farm. There’s a lot to like about this book: the animals, on the farm certainly spring to mind. That pig (don’t remember his name) was such a chill guy! That said, I don’t really know what the hell was going on with animals
walking and talking and all that I’ve never seen them do that in my whole life but hey man — creative liberty! I spoke to my
the
imals on
was and that we
about
but they
and
I was
and
“stalin” and
“metaphor for
of so-beit union,” and when I mentioned that poorly constructed windmill — BTW, DUH! No shit it’s gonna break down! WTF do horses and chickens know about architectural engineering!? — They kept telling me how I’m missing the critique of industrialization or whatever. Okay, honestly, shit like that pisses me off. I don’t know what the hell they were talking about. The BOOK is about ANIMALS on a FARM! It says it right there on the FUCKING COVER! Stop pulling shit out of your ass. PLEASE! I hate it when people do this — this is exactly like that one time when I read that book “1984” which was obviously just a period piece about a guy hating his job, right? But dickheads kept telling me it was about totalitarianism. WHAT EVEN IS THAT? Ridiculous! Anyways, 3/10.
Ouch! My Big Little Reveal Was Just a Picture of Me Before and After Ozempic
RAFI FOSTER TriDDDelta Rush Chair
Ah, Omega Zeta Epsilon Pi Mu Iota Kappa, my home away from home away from home. I couldn’t wait for Big Little Week to start. I woke up, washed my face, injected myself with Ozempic, and walked out the door!
Then after my first class, my Big Little Week festivities started! Or at least I thought it would. All around me, people were getting iced, bed decorations, and even proposals from pledges. The only thing I got were tiny hints from an unknown number about who my big was.
“Your big is like a copy and paste of you! But just bigger — I mean older!”
“The only thing you and your big don’t have in common is your BMI!”
“Your big is fat!”
“Your big loves to eat french fries with gravy and cheese sauce with a side of sour cream and lard!”
All those other texts were so normal and exciting, but that last one was so weird. French fries with gravy and cheese
by
and wholesome,
was.
wonder where
I
“AND HERE’S YOUR BIG!” I was shocked. My big little was just me when I was fucking fat and me now as a
legend. It was like I was Jekyll and Hyde, but just big me and little me, and both made my lin.
FREAK! PERV Rosy’s Taco Waiter Asked if I Want Salt on my RIM??!??!?
MARGARITA MATTA Blonde
The night started like any other. I was enjoying a fabulous Mexican feast at Rosy’s Taco Bar, ready to get silly with my sisters — one pitcher of regular, one pitcher of skinny spicy margs — you know the drill. Only fatties drinking the regular margs, obvi. Anyways, we had just ordered our drinks when the waiter said the most DISTURBING thing — he asked if I wanted salt on my RIM?????! Our table went silent save the faint crackling of a Juul. Goosebumps crept over my entire body. I couldn’t believe it. Since when can we say that in
WTF. U PERV. U ABSOLUTE PERV. U FREAK. I don’t want ANYTHING on my rim, ESPECIALLY from him. I was disgusted. I
PHOTO FROM WIKIMEDIA COMMONS
HARSH BAMALWA #1 Matcha Latte Hater
CREATIVE COMMONS
