Under the Button Print Issue 2022

Celebrating a Millennium of

Dear Reader,

It is hard to believe that our humble publication, Under the Button (Ünder das Bütton for our German readers) has been around for 1,000 years — a millennium. Oh, you didn’t realize a millennium is a thousand years and not a million? Hmmmm. Aw wait, hey, chin up. Don’t worry about it. You’re really pretty :)

The international impact UTB has had on culture, politics, and society at large is hard to encapsulate in just one letter, but I’d like to include a few of my favorite fun facts.

• UTB has been more widely read than "The Giver" by Lois Lowry

• During the 1920s Chinese Great Inflation, copies of UTB were used as currency

• Four UTB staff writers have been the Green Party candidate for United States President — and two have won!

It is not lost on me that the power our publication has can directly shape the world around us. Even today, being a member of UTB here at Penn is thought to be the highest honor one could have, even more than being a part of an a cappella group (one of

TABLE OF CONTENTS

UNDER THE BUTTON EXECUTIVE BOARD

Megan Striff-Cave (Editor-in-Chief)

Liwa Sun (Senior Editor)

Sonia Feil (Senior Editor)

the relevant ones) or being Ego of the Week in 34th Street Magazine.

On that note, this print edition celebrating the history of UTB could not have been possible without the entirety of our staff. They are sharp, witty, and attractive in the type of way where it just takes you a little while to realize it, like Adam Driver from HBO’s Girls and some other stuff. It has been a true joy to oversee them this semester. Really, the stipend was just a bonus, but also I wouldn’t have done the job without it.

If you take one thing from this issue, it’s this — history matters. Learn from the

past. Study it. Think critically. Read the news, and then, hell, read it again. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Don’t bring anything but water into the Moelis Family Grand Reading Room. If Simon doesn’t say “Simon says,” then you don’t do whatever Simon says to do. And of course, read underthebutton. com.

All my

Megan Striff-Cave Editor-in-Chief of Under the Button and Green Party Candidate for U.S. President

(Audience

UNDER

THE BUTTON STAFF

Adrian Rafizadeh Anders Amlie Anna O'Neill-Dietel

Carey Salvin Cathy Li Chaily Derecskey Claire Hayes

Daniel Scanlon

Darrion Chen

Emma Poveda

Hunter Wall

Jett Flaxman

Josh Mukherjee

Justine Orgel

Luke Burke

Mary Grace Meredith

Maura Pinder

Maya Kreger

Morgan Crawford

Simon Oros

Tana Cuturela

Taylor Whitehead

Ted Kwee-Bintoro

Wahid Sarwar

THIS ISSUE

Pia Singh (Executive Editor)

Tyler Kliem (Design Editor) Alice Choi (Deputy Design

Editor)

Becky Lee (Deputy Design Editor)

Lilian Liu (Deputy Design Editor)

Collin Wang (Deputy Design Editor)

Allyson Nelson (Copy Editor)

Sorry I Said Your Writing Was Horrendous, Worthless, Asinine, and Elementary — I Was Just Hungry

JUSTINE ORGEL

Under The Button's Token Wasian

Dear Reader,

At one point you were a writer. Upon the free, consensual exchange of our papers through the “peer review” process, I took your spot as writer (as you are well aware). I commend you for having done your due diligence in reading my magnum opus, evidenced by the fact that you complained to the professor about my comments that your writing was far too elementary for a Wharton senior, that it was a horrendous stain on the copious amounts of literature I consume, that it was worthless and, frankly, a waste of my time, and that, to keep it brief, your writing was asinine.

Before I apologize for my bluntness, I would like to preface that I am not apologizing for my opinions. Although you have no ability to defend your arguments (which were nonexistent), I stand by mine. Your writing is horrendous, worthless, asinine, and elementary. Perhaps, for your weak mind, I should tone down my language and say, your writing is really bad, a waste of time, stupid, and low-level. I apologize; I realize that I am still trying to improve your writing through brute force. This is a side effect of the fact that I am hungry now, as I was when I read your atrocious- I mean, could-be-improved writing.

I return having smoked a cigarette and eaten a Quest Bar. Dear Sir, your writing was great! I thoroughly enjoyed how

it took me on a trip. My eyes would dart from top to bottom, left to right, trying to detect logic. You are such a complex writer, that after five years of this little game between us, I had to admit defeat. My eyes are permanently crossed, I have clinical depression, and my wife and kids left me. You put up a good fight! My comments on your writing stem from my own inferior mind and my five-years-empty stomach. Please forgive me. I only seek to be able to make my writing as cryptic and esoteric as yours. For now, I will prioritize my gut health so that I never insult such talent again. Off to KCECH dining hall!

Regards, Writer/Admirer

Five Gifts at Penn Bookstore for Dad

Collin Wang

This Frat Party Was Just Okay ... Then It Played Pepas

TAYLOR WHITEHEAD Puckis Rogue Devoted to Dubiousness and General Mischief

I (19 M) was hopping around a bit last weekend, function to function, you know how it is. The life of a super cool socially active Penn student isn’t easy, and sometimes being so in-demand by every fraternity gets exhausting. You may be wondering, “don’t all these parties get sort of repetitive?” And, let me tell you, they did, until last night.

It was a party like no other – elevated surfaces, LED lights, floor sinking every time the crowd jumped, a ton of hot sweaty strangers pressed up against you – a truly unique experience. Still, with all of those positives, I felt like

there was something missing. Something that could turn this soiree into a blowout, some sort of missing X factor. Right then- right then and there, everything changed.

The skinny, pimple-faced, virginityretaining DJ behind the stand flipped one of those weird little knobs and on came Pepas. Bro. You ever heard that song, bro? I don’t know what they’re saying or what Pepas means, but right at that moment, this shindig became legendary. The energy of that dank basement turned electric. Why doesn't every frat play this song?

ANNA O'NEILL-DIETEL The First One to Have Bangs

Penn Bookstore is the hottest place on campus for Penn-embossed duffle bags, ironic Penn grandpa baseball caps, and passport photos. Located conveniently next to your main food source, DIG, it has just the right last-minute gifts for you to buy before heading home this holiday season. Under the Button compiled a list of five gifts from the Penn Bookstore for that special someone who is the most difficult person to shop for: your dad. Forget about getting something made locally at Hello World or purchasing a memorable experience like tickets to the Philadelphia Museum of Art. UTB is talking cold, hard convince this holiday season. We know what you're thinking. You probably know nothing about your dad. The longest conversation you had was when he was teaching you to drive and you got stuck behind a trash truck. Not to fear — UTB is an expert in dads. This list will have him saying, "How did you know I wanted that?"

1) LEGO Creator 3in1 Viking Ship and The Midgard Serpent 31132 Building Toy Set for Boys, Girls, and Kids Ages 9+ (1,192 Pieces) $199.99

Your favorite memories with dad weren't when he dragged you along to go fishing, they were when you wanted him to put together your lego sets. Let's be real, he also felt the same way. This Viking ship will keep him entertained for hours when you get home. Less time spent making awkward small talk! If your dad is less of a Nordic history guy, check out the LEGO Creator Boutique Hotel set or the LEGO Creator For-Profit Hospital.

2) The Ottomans: A Cultural Legacy by Diana Darke (Hardcover) $23

You got your dad World War II books for his birthday and the holidays last year. It's a safe bet! But chances are you'll just get him a book you already bought him if you go that route again. Spice it up! Try and get him interested in … the Ottoman Empire?

I hear you, he needs to read about war and conflict. You could try something about the War of 1812? Vietnam? Anything but WWII. You don't need to tell us — part of this is that you don't want to get him something he's already read, but really? It's kinda weird how much he likes WWII.

3) What I Told My Daughter: Lessons from Leaders on Raising the Next Generation of Empowered Women by Nina Tassler (Paperback) $15

Feeling adventurous this holiday season? Take advantage of the last period of time you can forge a bond with your father before you enter into the workforce, working an unforgiving nine–to–five that gives just two weeks of annual vacation. Dig deep. Have tough conversations. Worst case scenario he doesn't read it and passes it along to your mom. Okay, maybe you don't want that.

4) Penn Blue 84 Life Is Good Overdyed Ringspun Long Sleeve Shirt $30

Your dad likes outdoorsy brands! He likes that you go to Penn! This is perfect! Wait, you don't know what size he is? You haven't hugged him since your grandma died in seventh grade? Okay, moving on.

5) Penn Pfaltzgraff Patterned Mug $15

Okay, last resort, but this is a safe one.

That Say “I Never Had a Conversation Last Over Five Minutes With You”

We Mapped The Lesbian Dating Scene and Found Suspicious Patterns of Homoerotic Behavior

LILA SHERMETA & TANA CUTURELA Heterosexual, Unbiased Journalists Investigating the Subject Matter i.e.Spitting Facts

to match the ass and tits to the face on Locust Walk!

3. WilCaf

Location: Question Mark

We’ve never ever been here. We couldn’t even point it out on a map to you. What we’ve heard, though, is chilling: branded copulation area for TAC-E groupies.

4. Under the Button

Location: The Button

We understand our bias so we are letting strangers on Locust Walk write this section. Their words, not ours: “These are the only tolerable lesbians on campus.”

5. Mask and Wig

Location: Iron Gate Theater

Finals Are Just Around the Corner!

10 Easiest Ways to Give Yourself a Concussion

ANDERS AMLIE Known Coward

1. Brick

Ah, the brick. The quintessential option. The bread and butter of this list. Undisputed legend among the community.

2. Rock

The rock owes its success to its longevity. People have been smashing rocks against their heads since the dawn of time. The Tom Brady of concussion tools.

3. A cartoon rake

6. Thinking too hard about the fourth dimension

Is it time? Is it that scene in Interstellar? Maybe it’s love.

7. Another rock Maybe a shiny one or a cool one you found in the river. Put it in your pocket after. A treat for later.

8. Hammer

Since the early times of Sappho, there have been lesbians populating our Earth. It may be a hard pill to swallow, but you have to. Open up. Recent data coming directly from the pits of the Quake Magazine Survey concluded that only 17% of lesbians are “faking it for attention,” and an astounding 12 and a half lesbians can be found within the perimeters of our campus, scattered across the most exotic of places.

You might be gasping right now. Only 12.5? Hon, a swimmer is a swimmer no matter the size of the pool. Nevertheless, if there’s one word to describe the plight of the queer female population of Penn, that word is IN-CES-TU-OUS [/ˌinˈsesCH(oo)əs/ adjective 1. involving or guilty of incest].

Fret not — we’re here to H-E-L-P. This is why we are providing you with an extensive step-bystep guide on where to meet trustworthy, loyal, and hardworking lesbians that will ignite the fire of motherhood deep inside your womb. And, more importantly, who to stay away from.

1. Sports teams. A no-no.

Location: Franklin Field

I.e. identifiable on the map as a “cluster fuck” [high levels of suspicious homoerotic behavior]

The women you’ll find here are IKEAproof sturdy, with strong hands and quick legs. The type of women to repair your kitchen sink in return for just a cheeky ass slap. “Where’s my hug at?” they’ll ask when they see you across the hall. Let them wonder. Hugs are a lesbian’s most potent weapon. Do not give them out for free.

2. Quake Magazine

Location: Sex toy raffle on Locust I.e. identifiable on the map as a “queer baiting hot spot” [barely detectable levels of suspicious homoerotic behavior]

Oh, no! You thought they were into you ‘cause you have their nudes all over your phone? Wipe your tears, pretty girl. It's time

These women just found out they can play men! Mythical entities, you will see them sing and tap dance once a semester and then never ever see them again. They are stored beneath the Iron Gate Theater and hibernate all year until Mask and Wig pulls them out to meet “wokeness” quotas.

6. SoulCycle

Location: Pottruck

There’s nothing that screams blonde sorority FTW more than a Saturday morning SoulCycle sesh. The tension, the sweat, the muscles contracting, the dopamine rising. Simply exhilarating. Remember, when you can’t trust, just thrust.

7. King Princess concert

Location: Harrison College House

These are the type to stay away from. They’ll "babygirl, what’s wrong?" their way into your bedroom and never leave. They probably do not have a home of their own. Your twin XL is now theirs.

8. Off-campus sorority date night

Location: Pulse Nightclub

As Luke 1:2 stipulates, do not lust for or engage in sinful behavior with your sisters. But we’re not really sure what else one would do during this evening of social prestige and heart-pounding.

9.

Kelly Writers House Kitchen

Location: Kelly Writers House

Make yourself a tea, get comfortable, and understand that you can never truly be comfortable here because this is their place, not yours. Your literary opinions pale in comparison to the erotic poem they just performed in front of all of their professors.

10. The S. 41st/Delancey /Pine Streets

Bermuda Triangle of Lesbianism

Location: S. 41st/Delancey/Pine Streets

One foot placed in this triangular parameter, and you’ll find yourself drowning in "wyd?" texts, senior society date nights, and crush parties. It's full of washed-up seniors lurking around, preying on the virgin souls of freshmen and sophomores. Call your parents instead and tell them you love them.

Bonus points if you get stars or little birds to circle around your head after. This really works. I saw the fat yellow man on the TV do it.

4. Your friend’s fist They will understand. Economics is gonna be really hard. Don’t press charges.

5. A copy of "The Book of Mormon" Or whatever you observe. Just happened to be on my nightstand. Quran, Bible, Michelle Obama's "Becoming," you name it.

For the really dedicated people reading this list. An upper-level calculus type measure. Not necessary for Wharton 101.

9. Airbag Probably not worth it!

10. Sliding glass door

This pick has all the makings of a late-round steal. Sliding glass door has it all: enough force for head trauma, seems accidental, funny story at the dinner table. Don’t write it off as pick #10 – sliding glass door has the intangibles to be great come late December.

Help! 10 Mortifying Lounge Events My RA Has Planned for 2023

JETT FLAXMAN Academic

1. Mud Wrestling

weather app while waiting for the elevator? Me too. 6. Meatball Night OK, this one actually sounds pretty cool.

7. Facetiming Laura’s Senile Grandpa “Heyyy Grandpa Joe. Sorry about the Alzheimer’s, I heard it’s a real bummer.” Laura, please consider taking this call another time.

8. Meeting to Talk About the Smell I know someone has been cooking cultural food in this hall and I want to know who!

9. Pillow Fight

I’m going to smash Bryan’s head in.

10. Group Trip to CVS for Intimate Items

My RA told us that Bryan and Laura didn’t feel comfortable going alone, so we all accompanied them to buy Plan B.

DESIGN BY DANIEL SCANLON

Overheards

DUA LIPA CHOREOGRAPHING ONDA LATINA’S 2023 SPRING SHOW

Faking Interest

An advice column by two incredibly svelte broads

CAREY SALVIN AND MAYA KREGER Aspiring Stock Photo Models

day and the wall had fallen. My boss was furious and fired me. I came home to tell her that I was fired, and she threw the cornerstone at me and told me she wouldn't date someone without a job. So now I'm unemployed and single again. Should I try to get her back? Should I beg my boss for my job again? What should I do?

Thanks, Mason Stone

Hi Mr. Stone,

HOMOSEXUAL POLITICS

Dear Maya and Carey, Am I the asshole for telling my kid she can’t sleep over at her friend’s house?

I (37, F) have a daughter (8, F) and she’s never slept over at a friend’s house before. I have this rule because 1) I don’t trust other parents in emergencies and 2) she’s never asked. Until today, when she asked if she could sleep over at her best friend’s house. I know her friend’s parents. THEY ARE NOT NORMAL PEOPLE. They let their kids run around like animals and they only give them whole milk. Am I wrong for not letting my daughter stay over?

Oh my gosh … that’s all we have to say. What an unfortunate experience! In our hauntingly beautiful eyes, you did everything right. Maybe you did everything too right. That cornerstone was a beautiful symbol of your love, like a rose or a blood diamond. A cornerstone by any other name would smell just as sweet, right? Well, it sounds like your girlfriend is an ungrateful wench, deserving of neither love nor adoration. You should take to the streets and accuse her of various crimes, punishable by both the law AND the heavens. We think this would take some weight off your brawny shoulders. You need to try and move on from her and find someone who builds you up, not tears you down.

Have you tried stonemasonsonly.com?

ANOTHER ASIAN DISAPPOINTMENT

The University is Texting You

ZOYA AHMER & UTB STAFF Shy Girl

Thank you, Concerned Mother

Hi Concerned Mother, As women ourselves, we can only imagine the pain your heart is experiencing during this tumultuous moment within the span of your motherhood. Superm**’s power is superstrength and flying, Batm**’s power is wealth and revenge, but your power is parenting. And you’re a certified beast! Hold your daughter close, and surely very far away from … those freaks. Pour alternative nut milk down her tiny throat — it’ll make her grow big and strong, like Mama. Make her sleep with you in your California King-sized bed each AND every night until her 18th birthday, when she heads off to a liberal arts school to study comparative leadership (you read that right!). You are woman, hear you roar! Don’t let your baby be subdued by those aggressive, power-hungry parents down the block. Wait! The teachers may be in on it too. And the doctors. And the government. Everyone in your suburban upper-middle-class neighborhood in Northern California. Everyone at the primarily organic, but not necessarily healthy, supermarket. Our only suggestion is to go off the grid, homeschool the little one, and never look back.

Love, Maya and Carey, Certified Parenting Coaches and Feminist Balloon Animal Makers

Hi Maya and Carey, So, I'm a stone mason by trade. I came home one day from building a wall, and my girlfriend, upset that I spend too much time at work, asked me to bring her home the cornerstone of the wall to signify my love for her. I told her that the wall can't stand without it, but she said the same about our relationship. So, I brought it home for her. I went to work the next

Love, Maya and Carey, Construction Enthusiasts and Modern-Day Carrie Bradshaws Dear Maya and Carey, I was wondering if you could tell me — what are the main contributing factors that led up to the ongoing implications resulting from the Cold War? Expand on the tensions that originated between transnational corporations in countries with rapidly changing population makeups.

Thanks, Sergei S. Ess Hi Sergei S. Ess, Leading up to the Cold War, a lack of communication between major players, including the United States of America and Russia, led to a division within transnational corporations. Those who had ties between the borders of the nations surrounding the Iron Curtain experienced an economic withdrawal, amounting to both domestic and international tensions. When considering the consequences of the Cold War, it is important to note both the positive effects, and conversely, the negative effects of tariffs and blockages. Within the Eastern Bloc, nations broadly experienced a dramatic shift in population change; those who previously had static growth were now shrinking at an unprecedented rate, never before seen. Along with the change in population makeup, an economic transition occurred, leading to a smaller cohort of the age demographic bearing the burden of labor production. Considering the dynamics of a wartime economy, this significant change could not have come at a more devastating time, further exacerbating the strains of the very tenuous connections between such corporations — those between the Western, and conversely, the Eastern Bloc.

As the Russian proverb goes, “Улитка приближается, кто знает, когда она прибудет.” Hope this helps!

Love, Maya and Carey, Novice Historians and Full-Time High School History Teachers

“Damn … they just accept anybody these days?”

“Hands down the best fried tilapia. I eat it every day, three times a day!”

DINNERTIME AT KCECH

WAHID SARWAR

The Only Global Representative of Bangladesh Ever

“I heard if you put two horny bottoms together in a room, they’ll just play patty cake.”

“Why does FGLI sound like fugly … FGLI students, fugly students?!”

EXPOSING PENN'S CLASSISM

“My dad tried McClelland’s meal-swipe sushi and said it gave him Vietnam flashbacks.”

BEST OF UTB Headlines Throughout History

BY UTB STAFF

DESIGN

BY TYLER (& TREVOR)

KLIEM

Over the years, Under the Button has been at the forefront of social, political, and cultural comedy. To celebrate a millennium of UTB, we’ve made a timeline of our most historic headlines, all the way from 1022 to 2022.

1022

BREAKING: Five Guys Next to Quad Begins Construction

1348 Oh Fuck: My Friend Is Abroad, Told Me “Hella Heads Are Checking” in Europe

1436 Gutenberg Gifts First Printing Press to University (For Wharton Students Only)

1490

Uh-Oh: This Kid in Design Called Leonardo Just SpreadEagled Me, and Then Drew a Little Picture?

1521 Aztec Empire Relegated to ARCH Basement After Arrival of Spanish Army

1602

OP-ED: If Thou Art So Broke, Perhaps Thou Should Simply Invest in the Dutch East India Company

1776 Boston Tea Party Storms Inauguration of Benjamin Franklin

1800 I’m Not Like Other Girls; I Have My Own Millet in the Ottoman Empire

1884

After Successful Conquest of West Philadelphia, Penn Announces It Will Send Delegation to Berlin Conference

1918 Spanish Exchange Student Quells Worries of Indigenous Students: “It’s Just the Frat Flu Haha”

1949 NATO Treaty Inspires NOTO Makeout: International Love on the Dance Floor

1961 Ask Not What Your Country Can Do for You, Ask What You Can Do for Your Country: Consider Purchasing Roses to Help Local Sorority Sister Go to Vegas

1979 Jimmy Carter Found to Be Less Popular Than Least Popular Person in Philo

2020 Breaking: You Don’t Have to Go Home, but You Can’t Stay Here

1215

NSO Ruined! I Didn’t Get Tickets to Magna Carta Charter Signing

1350 Black Death Cases Plummet to Zero Following Rollout of PennOpen Pass

1453 Williams Hall to Become Third Rome Following the Fall of Constantinople

1517 Martin Luther Initiates The Reformation, Spring Formal Saved

1585

Benny’s Akin to Roanoke: The Settlement That Never Was

1740

Native Americans Agree to Give Penn All Land as Long as They Have a Spring Subletter

1792 Hark! Penn Endowment Rises to AllTime High of 400 Shillings, 11 Cows, One Fair Maiden

1803 Louisiana Purchase! Ben Franklin Founds Louie Louie in Hopes of Creating French Exchange Program

1914

1933 FDR’s First Fireside Chat Sets off Lauder Smoke Alarms at 2 a.m.

1955 “Ugh, I Feel Like Everyone’s Abroad Right Now,” Says Junior Girl During Vietnam War

1969 One Small Step for Men … Penn Electric Racing Pummeled by the Soviets

2022 Penn to Undergo Transfer of Power (From Blonde to Brunette)

1993 Sidechat Poster Confirms Saddam Has Weapons of Mass Destruction, Bush Moves Forward 7 6

Notable UTB Alumni You Might Have Not Known

Cheers to a millenium of misinformation!

MEGAN STRIFF-CAVE & WAHID SARWAR Both Very Supple

To the public eye, Under the Button serves as the independent, student-led satirical publication on Penn’s campus. You want one, prolonged chortle? We can guarantee that. However, UTB is not just a “humorous newsletter” but a collective society of under-appreciated artists for centuries. After exhausting our funds on hiring the most sought-after researchers from Wish.com, we are proud to finally release a comprehensive yet incomplete list of people you may or may not have known that wrote for UTB.

ELON MUSK. Yes, our list begins with one of Penn's most famous — and most handsome — alumni! Unfortunately, amongst his achievements — like becoming the CEO of companies such as Tesla and SpaceX — many need to remember that he

dabbled in writing top-tier satirical content during his undergraduate career. A few pieces he wrote:

• Paramour Problems? Penn To Create Breakthrough Software That Matches You With Literally The Least Compatible Person On Campus

• Is It Me Or Is The Computer On The Fourth Floor of Van Pelt Making Anyone Else’s Knees A Bit Weak

2. HATSHEPSUT. After an arduous investigation, we’re excited to reveal that Hatshepsut, the fifth Pharaoh of the 18th Dynasty of Egypt, was actually an UTB alum! Who knew that the hieroglyphics on the Rosetta Stone were the remnants of her early attempts at written comedy? Our first female monarch on staff (okay, can I get a

“girl power”), Hateshepsut has a thing for op-eds … let’s see how well our Wish.com researchers translated her articles:

• OP-ED: ���������� ������ ���� ���� �������� [this one didn’t actually age well]

• OP-ED: ��, ����������! [translation: OP-ED: Fuck! I Just Married the Wrong Cousin]

3. WILLIAM CARLOS WILLIAMS. This famous 20th-century American poet was also briefly a part of UTB’s staff. Unfortunately, he didn't quite understand the medium of satire, as evidenced by his headlines:

• OP-ED: So much depends upon / a red wheel barrow / glazed with rain water / beside the white chickens

• BREAKING: I have eaten the plums that were in the icebox / and which you were probably saving for breakfast / Forgive me they were delicious so sweet and so cold

Other famous alumni from UTB include Yoko Ono, Michelle Obama, the Wright Brothers (one was cool, one was weird), Ivanka Trump (this was before we knew the vibes), Tiffany Trump (didn't realize they were related), Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Rick Riordan (he wrote the Percy Jackson series) (not for UTB just in general), Ellen DeGeneres and so much more. While no one could live up to our 1990 Editor-inChief Mikhail Gorbachev, we know that the next generation of UTB writers will make us proud.

These Surprising Graphs Give a Glimpse of Penn Student Life

DARRION CHEN & UTB STAFF Just Trying My Best

supply chain data from Huntsman Hall, as well as the wait time figures of Pret a Manger. Somehow, the data suggests a cor relation that the longer the wait time at Pret,

the more rolls of toilet paper the amazing custodial staff has to replace. My advice for Penn is that if Penn wants to save money on toilet paper, they should make Pret less of a

Using advanced facial recognition software from the Penn Police Security system, UTB was able to approximate the amount of people avoiding Locust Walk on a given day. The data was collected by counting how many people swerved from Locust Walk to walk on Spruce or Walnut

Streets instead. The data shows that there is a positive and seemingly exponential relationship between number of shows being advertised on Locust Walk and the number students who avoid Locust Walk. This is strange, given that everyone loves a cappella – right?

After years of painstaking research by our team, UTB has discovered an intriguing phenomenon at Penn. Through our data, we have tracked that, every March, there is a drastic increase in the act of using suitcases as backpacks within the Penn community. Not only this, but the users of these suitcases all fall under the same

criteria – international students, usually dressed in all black, and all in possession of an American Express Platinum credit card. When researchers approached these women inquiring after their suitcases, they outright refused to talk. UTB has concluded this must be the symptoms of an obscure condition called "wanderlust."

Poem of the Millenium

Under the Button is very pleased to bring you what is quite possibly the most outlandish, effective, and wise piece of literary construction in the last millennium

OSCAR EICHMANN Model, Activist

NOT CLICKBAIT! Best Albums From the Past 1,000 Years

Totally unbiased and pragmatically holistic. These are the Album Reviews of the Millenium

HUNTER WALL

Protector of the Lone Star State

"Songs of Innocence" (U2 2014)

I got my first iPhone (6S+ in space grey with 64 GB of storage) and this album was already automatically downloaded. I looooved that iPhone. So sleek. The rounded features of it really made it easy to place into any pocket I wanted to. I think this album is really good, almost like when Jesus gave bread and bluefin tuna to all those people. Unite the masses! Let them eat cake! 9/10

"thank u, next"(Arianna Grande 2019)

since I really love watching rhythmically challenged individuals get to really strut their stuff to this piece of modern-day art (hmmm hypocritical right?); this album provides me with the same oomph, va-vavoom, and sis boom bah I so dearly yearn for. 8.3/10

RUTABAGA

an acrostic poem dedicated to heaven’s foliage

Rushing through swift meadows, like child, I flow, searching for nourishment in RUTABAGA

Under the trees, the branchy, solid trees, I look, beneath for RUTABAGA

There it is: huzzah! It’s RUTABAGA! Miraculous outcome! Rich, green as emerald, rich leaves.

And there I find my prize, RUTABAGA! RUTABAGA and bread pudding.

But beneath God’s fertile gifts I am beckoned deeper, oh, oh no! Deeper still until I find

Another leaf. It ain’t tea sis under this shade. Fuck, I want RUTABAGA.

God, you tempt me so! For under your RUTABAGA (title) is the DEVIL’S RUTABAGA.

And now I let the devil do his little sexy wispy dance in front of me; smoke emerges into my eyes; voluminous concepts cloud my little brain, and I become Nietzsche, I see Kafka: metamorphose within the very fibres of my little flowy field, the deer chanting with me like trees because there was that one time I found Jesus among the deer and I get lost in their crazy world too, like yassssss sister like let’s smoke up and I didn’t know what it meant but here we areeee and I too am confused at the message but slay MAMA I miss that bitch but god she texts too much and GOD when I think of you I think of RUTABAGA. Oh, sweet rutabaga.

I listened to this with a girl who would parade around wearing a suffocatingly large pair of boots (one was slightly bigger than the other and I will never forget that). She stomped, STomped, STOMped, STOMPEd, STOMPED! The outrageously good base in this album reminds me of her heavy step and the title represents exactly what I wanted to say. That would have been such a petty thing to think of. Maybe even with a Z snap? This album is too sassy, I hate it. 4/10

"RENAISSANCE" (Beyoncé 2022) Erm, this was kinda boss! Or at least the 20-second snippet I heard on the TikTok was. Oh, how I love watching white people dance. Scoot, shoot, and boogie, am I right?! Anyways, our queen definitely knocked it out of the ballpark with this one. And

"The Good Times" (Afroman 2001) Between the triple rotation that surrounded my fairly large gravitational pull and the sound of this album filling the little air that I had left to inhale, I greened out. I blame everyone in that room. Fuck you Alisa. Marsyl. Mai An. Alex. Larissa. Mira. FUCK YOU ALL. I have never in my life been so embarrassed. Slumped over the toilet like a Victorian child awaiting the guillotine. Hitting the floor so hard that even a sack of rocks couldn't have reverberated the polished floors so aggressively. A piece of me still remains there. One of the better, might I say. Oh, how I wish to be taken back. 8.0/10

"Un Verano Sin Ti" (Bad Bunny 2022) Esta no es una crítica y si hablas Español recomiendo que lo pongan en el periódico ahora. Las cosas pueden ponerse un poco más vulgar de lo que pretendo, pero ¿a quién realmente le importa? Te amo, Benito. Hunter Ethan Ocasio, ¿cómo suena eso?

No quiero saber nada más que el color de tu, hehehe. Detengámonos en este juego tonto de gato y ratón y seamos reales entre nosotros. Ser tan maldito real conmigo! Porque voy a ser real contigo. ¿Me sientes? Detengámonos en este juego tonto de gato y ratón y seamos reales entre nosotros. ¡Sea tan maldito real conmigo, Benito! Hasta que comiences a tratarme como si yo quisiera ser tratado, no estás recibiendo mierda de mí. Mierda! (Te quiero). 7.6/10

"Pure Heroine" (Lorde 2013)

The death of my dog a couple of days before the release of this album was a major plot planned far in advance by Colleen Hoover. I mean, how does that even happen? IDC! This album was fucking me uppppp. Like, Mike Tyson nibbling on my earlobe kind of fucking me up. John Wilkes Booth in the theatre type fucking me up. Rest in power Chingi, thanks for making this album so fucking juicy. 9.7/10

"New World Symphony" (Dvorak 1893) I lost my virginity to this symphony. It was the first time in my life I felt seen. God's Good Green Earth wasn't prepared for me to hear this song and I have never quite felt the same since. That might be the nicotine addiction talking. I love nicotine. Especially now that I'm 21. Are you 21? 7.9/10

Diaspora Poetry: Translated by Real Machines, Not People

Elementary Chinese: if i was penn you’d be the ravishing dean of admissions you slippery fox ‘cause when i needed you most you said diversity initiative in effect one china.

—(Eileen Chang Translated By: Faresi Alfaresi, Claire Cao)

DISCLAIMER: if you read Arabic READ THIS BACKWARDS IT'S FUCKED UP

i told my friend i wanted to de-stress with dogs so we went to your frat house – but we’re still on for formal, right?

Things do not have to be com plicated

It is not necessary for basic bitches to be boring

Questioning — bicuriousity, even — in its truest form ... relies on humans saying things.

-Will you say it to them?

—(Ghassan Kanafani / Translated By: Faresi Alfaresi)

BREAKING: Liz Magill Still an Emmy, a Grammy, an

AND a Tony Away From Reaching EGOT Status

MORGAN CRAWFORD Ice Spice

Oscar,

As of Nov. 30, 2022, University of Pennsylvania President Mary Elizabeth Magill has yet to receive an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, or a Tony Award.

This information came as a shock to the Penn community, as Magill is widely known for her charisma, stage presence, and general artistry. Under the Button hit the streets of Penn for exclusive interviews with Penn students following the leaks.

College first year Nerual Sniktaw had been sitting in her dorm when the news of Magill’s lack of accolades broke. Sniktaw was “honestly shocked” as she swore she saw Magill “outside of the room where some sort of a cappella group auditions were happening. I think I heard her sing. I was outside of the room, so maybe the acoustics were different, but it wasn’t that bad. It wasn’t like ‘Song Of The Year’ material, but her voice had enough gusto for it to be reasonable to assume that she could have been featured in a musical theater album.” Sniktaw went on to describe Magill’s voice as “basically the same as Cameron Diaz in that one Annie remake but deeper.”

Others had the opposite reaction. Nursing first year Amme Ebeir was not surprised. “Yeah, I don’t really know why this is such a big deal. I haven’t met the woman, but she seems, like, super boring. At least the last president had blonde hair –I know about 50 people with the exact same color of hair as Magill. Personally, if I was her age, I would try something new.”

Ebeir’s friend, College first year Eitak Itteppaz, chimed in during our discussion, adding, “I remember when the UC Townhomes protestors interrupted her speech during convocation. I swear I saw her pee herself a little bit. I feel like the only reasonable explanation was that she wetted herself out of fear.”

College first year Erialc Evap echoed the same sentiments. “Her convocation speech wasn’t that great, so I don’t really know why everyone is surprised. I feel like someone with an education like hers would be better at public speaking, or maybe her ghost writer could have written a few jokes, but here we are.”

For reference, here is a list of EGOTers, or those who've won all four entertainment awards:

1. Richard Rodgers (1962) 2. Helen Hayes (1977) 3. Rita Moreno (1977) 4. John Gielgud (1991) 5. Audrey Hepburn (1994) 6. Marvin Hamlisch (1995) 7. Jonathan Tunick (1997) 8. Mel Brooks (2001) 9. Mike Nichols (2001) 10. Whoopi Goldberg (2002)

Scott Rudin (2012) 12. Robert Lopez (2014)

Andrew Lloyd Webber (2018)

Tim Rice (2018) 15. John Legend (2018) (Penn Alum!) 16. Alan Menken (2020) 17. Jennifer Hudson (2022)

age group. Surprisingly, the study was not conducted by an official research organization, but rather co-authored by numerous male students in the senior class, as well as at least two male professors who endorsed the findings.

While the study is admittedly lacking in certain metrics of experimental research, it has at least been extensively peer-reviewed: brothers of all on-campus fraternities declared the findings, no cap.

The study consisted primarily of conversations and surveys with a legion of 22-year old men who are largely ignored by women their age. When asked, these men all agreed that first-year girls just have something special, something that’s lacking in women who have had more time to develop their prefrontal cortex.

Results of these surveys revealed an inverse correlation between the amount of time passed since a girl’s 18th birthday and her level of attractiveness to men that are about to be kicked off of their parents’ insurance plan: as one goes up, the other goes down. In a similar vein, results also showed an inverse correlation between a girl's at tractiveness and the number of drinks it takes to get her blackout drunk.

repeated assurances that their attraction to first years, while partially motivated by the fact that they are “fun, hot, and stupidly irresponsible,” is not purely superficial. According to one man, he finds girls born after 9/11 to be, paradoxically, more mature than some older women. As quoted in the report: “I’ve dated senior girls before – I mean, I’ve dated one girl – and she was always like, why are you dismissing my feelings, why do you always gaslight me, just really petty stuff ya know? So tiring. When I hang out with first-year girls, they’re so excited that I’m giving them the time of day that they don’t even care if I get Tinder notifications right in front of them. That kind of emotional maturity is so refreshing.”

Another participant echoed these sentiments. "It takes a really mature girl – nay, woman – to still think I’m cool despite the fact that I have no actual interests, no sense of humor, and very few friends. I love that she appreciates me for who I am: someone that can buy alcohol for her and her friends."

Overall, girls whose ink hasn’t yet dried on their high school diploma have found this study extremely flattering. The report has also been received well by most therapists, who look forward to having these

MARY GRACE MEREDITH Beautiful Little Fool

The results are in, and the science has spoken: barely legal girls just do it better. A recent study out of the University of

Pennsylvania found that female members of the newly arrived Class of 2026 show higher levels of maturity than are typical for their

Emotional Scene: On-Campus Fraternity Brothers Disheartened as Their Party Overlooked by Fun Police

JETT FLAXMAN Academic

This past Friday was like any other at the University of Pennsylvania, with frat parties raging all hours of the night across campus. As most Penn socialites downed mixed drinks, snorted coke off of their half-naked friends, and danced the night away, those attending a certain on-campus fraternity’s “Sip the Rainbow” party did nothing of the sort.

What started as a laid-back night of vibes with the brothers evolved into ... a chill kickback with the brothers and a few of their friends. The party-throwers had hoped that their intensive advertisement and unique theme would draw in an above-average crowd, but their dreams were unfulfilled. The lights were on throughout the house, and although a few bedroom doors were locked shut the air lay lustless. Some simply preferred playing uninterrupted “Super Smash Bros” to attending the function.

Frat morale was at a low. When they thought they'd hit their lowest point, some

brothers heard sirens racing up Walnut Street towards them. Could it be? The fun police?! Had their frat really thrown the most active party of the evening? As mediocre as it was, could it have been better than the rest? Surely a visit from the fun police would circulate campus culture, putting them on the map as a staple of Penn nightlife.

As these thoughts flashed through the brothers' minds, they rushed outside to confront their opps. Finally, the day had come! But as they swung open the door of their affluent West Philadelphia twin home, the fun police wagons continued charging up Walnut Street, past their front door, to bust some party in a distant corner of campus. The dream was over before it started. Devastated, the brothers sulked back inside and, nxeeding some peace and quiet to reflect, cleared the house of the six party guests. The clock read 11:03 p.m. Another night of disappointment.

Girls in Class of 2026 Very Mature for Their Age, According to Report by Men in Class of 2023

Collin Wang

Games!

TED KWEE-BINTORO Amateur Asian

A simple one to tickle your brain cells. Recommended for dogs, toddlers, and Wharton sophomores.

This one's a bit tougher. Can you solve it before my ah-gong gets to it?

Fun Word Search! Swedish Prime Ministers Between

1880-1905

CHAILY DERECSKEY Apologetic Delawarean

Carl Johan Thyselius

Robert Themptander

Gustaf Akerheilm

Gillis Bildt

Johan Ramstedt

Arvid Posse

Christian Lundeberg

Erik Gustaf Bostrom

Frederik Von Otter

One of the toughest of them all. Tradition holds that if you can solve this one, you'll be blessed with As on all your finals.

Ah fuck I forgot to fill this one out please don't tell Liwa she'll tie me to a chair and make me eat a live worm.