The Daily Princetonian Joke Issue: January 8, 2020

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Wednesday January 8, 2020 vol. CXLIII no. 124

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CENTRAL JERSEY

TOWN PERSPECTIVE

U. replaces Dinky with giant electric scooter

Double Sights earns mixed reviews from local skateboarders

By Benjamin Ball Head News Editor

By Zack Shevin Assistant News Editor

See IMPERIALISM page 4

CLAIRE SILBERMAN / THE DAILY PRINCETONIAN

The Dinky is no more. Make way for this lovely piece of machinery.

C A M P U S B O TA N Y

Murray Dodge Cafe to serve edibles

By Rooya Rahin Contributor

Last week, Murray-Dodge Cafe announced that they would begin offering marijuana edibles in addition to cookies in a joint effort with the Princeton Cannabis Society.

Edibles will be offered starting on Dean’s Date at 4:20 a.m.

The announcement has been met with mixed responses from the University community. It also marks a shift in Murray-Dodge’s mission as a space for students to interact without the pressure of alcohol and other substances.

Students from Washington and other pro-cannabis states expressed support for the change. Colorado students are happy to have a piece of home with them on campus and a place to get their Rocky Mountain high. Student Sa Tiva ’22 from California stated that the change was “radical, but epic.”

Tiva said he hopes that MurrayDodge will soon allow other forms of marijuana, in addition to edibles.

Other students, including several members of Terrace Club and an anonymous person on Tiger Confes-

sions++ who wanted to take edibles and go see “Cats,” are especially thrilled with the announcement.

However, other students expressed disappointment in the change, lamenting the loss of one of the only sober social areas on campus. Without Murray-Dodge, students looking for somewhere to have fun without illicit substances will be forced to find new locations.

Some suggested locations have been the Graduate College and the Lewis Center for the Arts, the farthest you can get from the eating clubs and still be on campus.

Law enforcement has also voiced concerns with allowing edibles on campus.

“The recreational use of marijuana is not yet legal in the state of New Jersey, and we are appalled to see such blatant disrespect of the law,” Officer Busby “Buzz” Kill said.

However, there are many highs to serving edibles at Murray-Dodge.

Students at Princeton are subject to high pressures, and Murray-Dodge will give students a method to combat that. Marijuana is also a budding new industry that students across disciplines, from Operations

Research and Financial Engineering to Ecology and Evolutionary Biology, may wish to study and experiment with firsthand.

The Princeton Cannabis Society hopes to expand into other corners of campus, with eventual plans to host a biweekly “high tea” in Fires-

U. sophomore celebrates Murray Dodge Cafe and the Princeton Cannabis Society’s new joint venture.

Honor Committee adds “pirating ‘Paul Blart Mall Cop 2’” to list of crimes punishable by year-long suspension and crippling social exclusion Associate News Editor

COURTESY OF THE UNIVERSITY BICKER OFFICE

Eisgruber hosts spa night for prospective University bickerees.

Top 10 ways to rehabilitate Charter In December, Princeton Charter Club’s Board of Governors solicited plans to redesign the club to improve enrollment numbers. Internal memos leaked to The Daily Princetonian reveal the cream of the crop. Out of the 1,746 submissions received, here are the top 10 ways to spruce up Charter.

1. Turn it into the Office of Admission. From now on, applicants will bicker the Uni-

In Opinion

versity. Bicker chair is President Eisgruber ’83. He throws you a spa night. You give him a flawless manicure. Boom.

You’re in.

2. Start a cult. Sell the club to the Church of Scientology.

There’s a new Tom Cruise in town. Those who dare to enter Charter Friday seldom return….

3. Convert the clubhouse into graduate student housing. All of them.

4. Exile the honor-coded to the clubhouse. You won’t die, but you’ll be banished from

Columnist Braden Flax implores President Eisgruber to turn off the winter weather on campus.

PAGE 4

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!

GARY MIOTLA / WIKIMEDIA COMMONS, REXMEDLEN / PIXABAY, PUNYASLOKA CHOUDHURY / PEXELS, AND OREN NEU DAG / WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

By Claire Silberman

Associate News Editor

tone Library’s Tiger Tea Room. For now though, students will have to rely on Murray-Dodge for their weed needs.

P I R AT E P A U L

STREET, STREET, STREET!

By Claire Silberman

See DINKY page 4

the city. “For exile hath more terror in his look/Much more than death.”

(Don’t honor-code me, please.)

(Credits to William Shakespeare, “Romeo and Juliet,” original publication 1595.)

5. Fill it with bees. The sting of rejection from no-experience-necessary clubs is nothing compared to the sting of 10 thousand bees. Really puts things in perspective.

6. Charter a new British colony. Loyalists, ho!

See CHARTER page 4

The Honor Committee announced in an email last Thursday that “pirating ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2’” will be added to the list of violations under their jurisdiction.

“Pirating is NOT a victimless crime,” the chair of the Honor Committee Mo V. Pohlise ’24 wrote in a Twitter D.M. to the Daily Princetonian. “Each and every time you illegally download ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2,’ you chip away at Kevin James’ 80 million dollar net worth, and I’ve seen what that does to a man!!”

Pohlise spearheaded the effort to ban pirating “Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2” in conjunction with University officials, anti-piracy advocacy groups, and artists’ rights activist Taylor Swift. According to Pohlise, making the initiative a reality took a year of attending Undergraduate Student Government meetings, creating task forces, sitting on committees, and asking prewritten questions at Council of the Princeton University Community meetings.

Established in 1893, the Honor Code remains a recip-

Today on Campus Post-JP revelry featuring DJ Ben Chang.

rocal, two-part agreement between students and faculty to uphold the highest standards of conduct at the University.

The Honor Committee website states, “While the words of the Honor Code Constitution have evolved with time, the underlying spirit of trust and commitment to [not pirate ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2’] pervades the University Community.”

As such, henceforth undergraduates will be required to sign a pledge whenever accessing the University WiFi: “I pledge my honor that I have not pirated ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2,’ and have no intention of pirating ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2.’” Students who suspect others of pirating “Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2” are obligated to report suspected violations to the Honor Committee.

The addition follows a pirating incident involving E. Lee Gal ’22. At 2:19 a.m. the night before Dean’s Date, following 13 straight hours of the “hashtag grind” on her term paper for SOC 287: Rule of Law in the Modern World, the sophomore decided to take a study break.

“Look, it was a late-night act of desperation. I was tired, See BLART page 4

WEATHER

“Double Sights” — known colloquially throughout the town as the “Woody Woo 36-Degree Inverted Half Pipe” — has garnered mixed reviews from community members since its construction.

For decades, Scudder Plaza, adjacent to the Woodrow Wilson School of Public and International Affairs, has been the place to be on campus for skaters. New Jersey’s best have traveled to the University for a chance to grind on the railings of the Julius Romo Rabinowitz building, tick-tack around the Fountain of Freedom, and kick-flip off the steps of Robertson Hall. Especially during its construction, many of these individuals expected “Double Sights” to have a negative impact on the Princeton skating scene. However, since its unveiling, the 39-foot instillation has provided skaters with much-needed opportunities to try out new tricks.

“It was really frustrating having that area blocked off during the summer,” one Princeton High School student said, “but I never imagined the number of gnarly stunts I could shred off the side of Double Sights.”

“I don’t know how much it cost to build, but whatever the price, I think it’s really paying off for the local skateboarding community,” he continued.

“I had literally never seen someone land a 940-degree backstop leap stand until Jason pulled it off, sliding down from the top of the monument,” another skater noted.

“I haven’t had this much fun since I dated Avril Lavigne.”

Though loving this new ability to shred the gnar, other Freedom Foun-

In an effort to “get with the times,” the University has gotten rid of the historic Dinky train, and in its place has constructed a 50-foot-tall electric scooter that will transport students from campus to Princeton Junction and back.

“We’re ‘hip’ and ‘with it,’” University President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 wrote in an email to The Daily Princetonian. “We’re

down with the kids.”

The scooter is long enough to fit around three dozen students at a time, according to new Director of Parking and Transportation Carlton Calvin. However, in keeping with the air of wealth and prestige that the scooters bring to users, the price of Dinky transportation has been raised from three dollars to 300 dollars per trip.

“Now we can actually put some money into NJ Transit,” New Jer-

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Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. chance of rain: 200 percent

The Daily Princetonian

page 2

Wednesday January 8, 2020

STREET, STREET, STREET!

Tower Club buys Fine Hall, spurs Street-wide change

By Zach Shevin

Assistant News Editor

Realizing the absurdity of a two-story building calling itself “Tower Club,” Tower Club’s management has purchased the tallest building in Princeton.

Other clubs are following Tower’s lead, creating a very different Street than students are used to.

Tower Club has purchased and relocated to Fine Hall, the former home of the Princeton mathematics department. The mathematics department will be relocating to Prospect Avenue, with all courses taught in Tower’s secondfloor seminar room.

“We just couldn’t keep calling ourselves Tower with the math professors looking down on us from that 183-foot monstrosity,” club president Aliya Somani ’20 noted. “We also want to see the Tower name reflected in our membership going forward, so if you’re under seven feet, I wouldn’t recommend bickering.”

Multiple Tower officers expressed excitement about their upcoming theme night: “15 Floors of Fun.” Since this relocation, multiple other clubs have begun to reconsider their own misnomers and implement changes as well. Cap & Gown has decided to expel all of its undergraduate

members and — from this point forward — only allow alumni to bicker.

“It was really absurd that we were letting a bunch of undergrads without caps or gowns into the Cap & Gown Club,” Cap president Polly Hochman ’20 said before immediately stepping down from her leadership role. “I hope to rejoin the club in June.”

Ivy Club made changes as well. Not only has the club decided to drape Hedera helix and Epipremnum aureum across all walls of the club, but it also decided to abandon the Bicker process and allow students attending any of the eight Ivy League institutions to sign in — Cornell included.

“I’m really excited to check out some of their social events and possibly join in the spring!” said Dartmouth College unofficial mascot Keggy the Keg. Tiger Inn briefly considered transforming itself into a B&B but decided that was not enough of a change.

How could they be the Tiger Inn when they were serving breakfast to a bunch of Homo sapiens? Coming to this realization, TI has officially transformed itself into a hotel for orange-andblack-striped felines.

Terrace has decided to make some drastic changes as well. Realizing that their patio was the only area of the club true to the name, the Terrace graduate board

COURTESY OF ZACK SHEVIN / THE DAILY PRINCETONAIN, PUBLIC DOMAIN VECTORS, AND GOODFREEPHOTOS

“The Glorious Tiger Inn, Inn for Tigers.”

has put in a request to demolish the rest of the building. With the extra room, the Terrace terrace will be widely expanded.

Charter Club had already been fielding proposals for a redesign, and they recently chose their favorite. After a meeting between the Charter graduate board and U.S. Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, the club will be transformed into a government-funded charter school. The officer bedrooms will be transformed into classrooms, and the tap room will be kept as is and repurposed as the “teacher’s lounge.”

The Quadrangle Club has also made some dramatic changes. In a statement to The Daily Princetonian, the Quad graduate board wrote that it “deeply regrets allowing so many interesting, cool, and fun members to join the club over the last few years.”

“We named it Quadrangle for a reason. It was supposed to be a haven for squares on campus,” they wrote. “People always say, ‘Be there or be square.’ Well, going forward for us, it’s gonna be, ‘Be there if you’re a square, and don’t come otherwise.’”

After negotiations with Quad alumnus Jeff Bezos ’86, club management has found a way to maximize the number of “squares” — or in this case, cubes and rectangular prisms — in the club. Beginning next semester, Quad will be transformed into an Amazon Fulfillment Center. The partnership also involves the Princeton Track and Field team, whose athletes will ensure smooth operation by running items from place to place over 12hour shifts. Bezos told the ‘Prince’ that he will be happy with this arrangement “as long as these Princeton students don’t try and unionize or anything like that.”

Cannon briefly thought about making structural changes, as it already pos-

COURTESY OF CLAIRE SILBERMAN / THE DAILY PRINCETONIAN, JOE SHLABOTNIK / FLICKR

Fine Hall draped in new decor.

sesses a cannon for any potential demolition. However, deciding that their front yard was already sufficiently literal, Cannon’s house will be kept intact, though the club is considering purchasing Cannon Green from the University.

Cloister Inn president Meghan Slattery ’20 said that after a lengthy archival search, she discovered that the Cloister Inn’s name actually comes from its architecture. Cottage Club president Jamie Denham ’20 said that the club’s building is “as close to a cottage as you’re gonna find north of the Mason-Dixon Line,” so neither of those clubs will be making any changes.

Colonial Club, conversely, has decided to make arguably the largest alteration.

After reexamining the dark history of 18th century settlement and colonialism, Colonial’s officers will be shutting the club down.

The land the club currently rests upon will be ceded to the Lenape Nation, and club members have created and signed a petition recommending the University to do the same — or find another way to financially

compensate tribal leaders for the stolen land.

“When I performed at Colonial last fall, I was completely unaware of the gruesome history of this place, and I apologize for that,” rapper Sage the Gemini noted. “I’m really glad that club leadership made this decision, and I hope the University follows this initiative.”

With all of these changes in the works, University students have a lot to adapt to. However, no matter what future changes transpire, students can rest assured that one Street staple will stay the same.

According to University President Christopher Eisgruber ’83, there are “absolutely no plans in the works to alter Campus Club whatsoever within the next decade.”

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!

JUICY FRUIT

Eisgruber impeached over illegal interference in Tiger Confessions ++ Facebook group

By Evelyn Doskoch Contributor

President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 has been impeached by the Undergraduate Student Government (USG) following majority approval of two articles of impeachment. The charges? “Abuse of power” and “obstruction of memes.”

The inquiry began when an anonymous whistleblower leaked information about Eisgruber’s wrongdoings to the University community through an open letter sent to then-USG president Zarnab Virk ’20.

“In the course of my official duties, I have received information from multiple sources that the University President is using the power of his office to solicit interference from admin Tyga Er in the running of the Tiger Confessions ++ page,” the whistleblower wrote. “This interference includes, among other things, pressuring Tyga Er to favor ‘Eisgruber-positive’ submissions and censor ‘anti-Eisgruber’ content on the platform.”

Tiger Confessions ++, a Facebook group in which students may post anonymous confessions about topics spanning all aspects of student life, contains just eight mentions of President Eisgruber in its over 2500 posts to date, primarily of a harmless nature.

However, supporters of impeachment assert that the President sent Tyga Er several threatening Facebook DMs under the name of “Ice Ice Gruber,” in what they describe

as “an emphatic but seemingly misguided bid to secure popular support for a longer tenure as president.”

In the messages, Eisgruber allegedly threatened to pull $400 million of funding from Tyga Er’s financial aid package if his demands were not met — demands that included, among other things, the deletion of all negative commentary about Eisgruber on the confessions page, and the suggestion that such posts be replaced with thinly veiled criticisms of other Ivy League administrators.

“He said something about Mark Burstein, the Executive Vice President under the previous administration, and how we might dredge up some controversy there,” Tyga Er said. “See if he has a son with any dubious ties, you know, the whole shebang.

I had to point out that not only is Burstein not a challenger to the presidency, but that such an action would be highly unethical, possibly illegal ... He seemed unconcerned.”

However, Eisgruber quickly denied these allegations.

“I WANT NOTHING! I WANT NOTHING! I WANT NO QUID PRO QUO!” he insisted at a University press conference, glancing down at the words inked in shaky capital letters on a scrap of monogrammed note card.

“Does he realize that he doesn’t have to worry about re-election?” Provost Deborah Prentice whispered to Executive Vice President Treby Williams ’84 at the conference.

“Because he can basically just stay in office as long as he

wants?”

Her colleague offered no response.

Afterwards, students such as Ni-Eve Itai ’21 shared conflicting feelings about the statement.

“Huh. I’m no expert, but based on the glimmer of reptilian fear in his baby-blue eyes at the first threat of impeachment, I can’t help suspecting that maybe our university’s fearless leader did want a quid pro quo,” Itai said.

“No, no,” she added, breaking into nervous laughter, her eyes darting around the room.

“That’s silly.”

A series of hearings took place in the fall semester, despite heavy pressure from the University to squash the investigation. USG members called in student witnesses to testify on their experiences with the anonymous group, and factions quickly formed within the student body.

“Immediately, I was appalled at this attack on our president,” pro-Eisgruber student Ayesk Roobirfan ’22 said to The Daily Princetonian, “who, bless him, wouldn’t hurt a fly. In fact, I for one wish there were many more posts in which the intellectual prowess and stunning natural beauty of our president were extolled in their rightful manner.”

On the other hand, proimpeachment student Locke Mupp ’21 told ‘the Prince’ that he values the community provided by Tiger Confessions ++ and denounces any alleged attempts by Eisgruber to extort or otherwise interfere with its creators.

COURTESY OF IMPEACHMENT FARM

Eisgruber: Im ”peach”

“As soon as the notifications from Tyga Er start hitting my phone, I put down my psets and go check Tiger Confessions,” Mupp said. “Where else do I have the freedom to see chaotic, mildly controversial expressions of student opinion and the same five people tagging their friends on random posts? It’s essential to our democracy!”

As there is no administrative precedent for impeachment at the University, USG officers have admitted that they are unsure of how to proceed.

“We know we can’t actually get rid of him,” said one officer, who wished to remain anonymous. “But we can take this one constitutionally permissible step, so you better believe we’re gonna milk the hell out of it.”

...

Update: President Eisgruber, having since discovered the veritable treasure trove of content available on the “Princeton Memes for Preppy AF Teens” Facebook group, has taken to Twitter to defend himself: “SUCH ATROCIOUS LIES

BY THE RADICAL INTERNET MEME-MAKERS,” he tweeted.

“THIS IS AN ASSAULT ON THE EISGRUBER NAME, AND AN ASSAULT ON PRINCETON UNIVERSITY!!!!”

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!

The Daily Princetonian

Wednesday January 8, 2020

page 3

C E N T R A L LY L O C AT E D

Sophomore Cox ’22 enjoys living in Wilson College

By Sam Kagan Contributor

William Cox ’22 fancies himself a “normal” Princeton student. He misses the old Tigerbook, never eats fewer than five cookies at Murray-Dodge Cafe, and often enjoys a night out on Prospect Avenue at Campus Club.

What sets the prospective Classics concentrator apart? He loves living in Wilson College.

“It’s just such a beautiful place to spend your Princeton years,” Cox said, gesturing to Gauss Hall. “I think it was my destiny to end up a Wilsonite.”

By Cox’s account, there isn’t a single component of Wilson which lags behind the University’s five other residential colleges.

“Whitman and Butler are really nice, but I appreciate the history that Wilson brings,” Cox said.

“RoMa’s really pretty, but not half as central as Wilson. And Forbes thinks they’re so great because of the ‘community?’ Try killing silverfish every night with your entire zee group; that builds community.”

Julia N. Street ’22, Cox’s girlfriend, doesn’t share the same passions.

“We were having lunch in Wu last week when Will looked at me and told me how much he likes living in Wilson. Besides that, he seemed totally fine, but totally refused to admit that Wilson is an unlivable hellhole. It was so

JON ORT / THE DAILY PRINCETONIAN

“It’s just such a beautiful place to spend your Princeton years,” Cox said, gesturing to Gauss Hall. “I think it was my destiny to end up a Wilsonite.”

weird,” she said.

Cox’s Wilson-centric eating habits also worry Street.

“On top of that, he had six WuCox chicken breasts on his plate when we had this conversation — nothing else,” she added. “Come to think of it, we’ve been dating for eight months and I’ve never seen him eat anything else.”

Other students interviewed under the condition of anonymity have noticed peculiar tendencies in Cox’s behavior.

Various first-years and sophomores report that Cox “seems to genuinely like” working in the Julian Street library and regularly invites his friends to play volleyball in the pit on the south side of 1937 Hall.

“He was telling me the other day about how great our residential college gear is, how much he likes bright orange in combination with pastel blue,” Dodge Osborn ’23 said. “The thing is that he totally wasn’t joking. Will was completely serious.

He doesn’t wear corrective lenses or anything, the dude just likes that stuff.”

Walker Nineteenthirtysevenberg ’22 holds “deep concerns” about his roommate’s well-being.

“Lately he’s been totally cool with the fact that we have to go down 11 f lights of stairs to use the bathroom, and yesterday I saw him talking to a friend about how ‘neat’ our building’s architecture is,” he said.

Cox seems as perplexed by those around him as

they are by him. “I honestly don’t get it,” he said, “I’m just happy to live in Wilson, what’s wrong with that?”

Ni ne t ee nt h i r t yse venberg told The Daily Princetonian that he and Cox’s other 37 roommates are planning an intervention for Friday.

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Don’t believe everything you read on the internet!

The Daily Princetonian

page 4

Wednesday January 8, 2020

Skaters convey mixed messages about new installation IMPERIALISM Continued from page 1

.............

tain frequenters called into question the necessity to raise another monument to President Woodrow Wilson, Class of 1879.

“I appreciate how the Woody Woo Inverted Half Pipe lets me pop insane frontside laser flips,” skater Rodney Mullen said. “But I’m unsure if we should be commemorating this man at a diverse and forward-thinking educational institution, given his segregationist policies and rhetoric during his tenure as president of the University.”

“I was so stoked watching Blake grind nose-first off the back edge of the instillation yesterday,” one Princeton Charter School seventh grader noted. “But it also bothers me a bit how Princeton University continues to commemorate Wilson’s idealized language when he very clearly — shown by both his domestic policies and priorities at international diplomatic conferences — did not believe the concept of self-determination should be extended beyond the European continent to various Asian, African, and South American nations being oppressed by colonialism and

imperialism.”

“I guess Double Sights is a pretty accurate name for the thing,” this student continued. “Because I go back and forth between thinking of it as a skater’s paradise and thinking of it as a monument to a man who resegregated the federal government, gave millions of oppressed people false hope through promises of freedom, and supported a brutal, colonialist American regime in the Philippines.”

“I read the 14 Points in middle school and thought Woodrow Wilson was a pretty great guy,” another PHS student recalled. “Then I took his advice and watched “The Birth of a Nation” — and, like, wow. Though I appreciate having the Half Pipe, we should really stop naming things after a Klan defender.”

A few University students on campus have called for the monument to be torn down, but the University has not budged. The Board Jumpers Legion (BJL) — a coalition of New Jersey skaters — has come up with a different solution.

“We don’t want to continue deifying Wilson, but we also don’t want to take away this unique opportunity for the people of New Jersey to shred up on their platters,” BJL spokesperson Tony Hawk wrote in a press

Scooters will have Canada Goose hangers, Airpod holders DINKY

Continued from page 1

.............

sey Governor Phil Murphy said before wheeling away on his goldplated SWAGGER 5 Elite Electric Smart Scooter.

The giant scooter also features coat racks specifically designed to hold the exact weight of Canada Goose jackets, along with “Pod holders,” or “cup holders for your AirPods.”

The University is putting the finishing touches on the construction of the Dinky track to accommodate the scooter. Construction is on a strict schedule, only taking place between the hours of 4 a.m. to 7 a.m. with instructions to make as much noise as possible.

The Dinky track will also be formally renamed “The Scoot Route.”

“Everyone on this project has been trained well,” University spokesperson Ben Chang wrote in an email to the ‘Prince.’ “We’re certain that it won’t go off the rails, and riding it will be a good way for students to blow off steam.”

Inspired by the change at the University, NJ Transit also announced plans to replace all trains throughout the state with electric scooters. The project is slated to be finished in January of 3030, which New Jersey Department of Trans-

portation Commissioner Diane Gutierrez-Scaccetti called “a fast turnaround time for NJ Transit construction.”

The new changes did not go over well with all University students. The replacement prompted student protests around Wawa, with students holding signs that read “electric scooters are the mark of the aristocracy.”

Wawa provided protestors with free hoagies for every hour of picketing.

Train lover Ivy Truong ’21 also bemoaned the loss of the campus icon of the Dinky, and recently started a GoFundMe to build a new Dinky that could take students from Forbes to the Street and convert Charter Club into a new train station.

Truong serves as the Moscow correspondent for the ‘Prince.’

However, despite the controversy, the Dinky replacement has caused electric scooters to become an integral part of campus culture. Just last week, the Undergraduate Student Government announced that Avril Lavigne would headline Spring 2020 Lawnparties. She will debut her new hit single “Sc00ter Boy” during the performance.

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue.

Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!

release. “Therefore, we call for the monument to be kept in place, but to be renamed and altered such that it can be unaffiliated with President and poser Woodrow Wilson.”

Specifically, the BJL wants to paint over the monument in a swath of rainbow — a stark contrast from sculptor Walter Hood’s original black and white design — to commemorate the racial, cultural, and ideological diversity of the Princeton student body.

This monument would be renamed the Obama-Sotomayor-Kagan-Cruz-Bradley Quintuple Sights Inverted Half Pipe and include a plaque honoring former First Lady Michelle Obama ’85, Supreme Court Justices Sonia Sotomayor ’76 and Elena Kagan ’81, Texas Senator Ted Cruz ’92, and former New York Knicks shooting guard and U.S. Senator Bill Bradley ’65.

“And maybe while they’re at it, Princeton can think about renaming Wilson College and the Woodrow Wilson School too,” the BJL statement continued. “Just a thought.”

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!

JON ORT / THE DAILY PRINCETONIAN AND TECH SGT. NATASHA STANNARD / U.S. AIR FORCE

Local skater practices tricks off of the side of “Double Sights”

Honor Committee to handle violations BLART

Continued from page 1

.............

I was hangry, I was a mile away from the Wa. I needed a lil’ somethin’ to take the edge off,” Gal said.

That “lil’ somethin’” just happened to be Paul Blart.

Wendell described her decision to screen the sequel as “productive procrastination,” citing Paul Blart’s steadfast adherence to the rule of law in public shopping malls, the topic of her sociology paper.

“For Paul Blart, safety never takes a holiday. When duty calls, he answers. I wish I could find a man like Paul Blart,” said Wendell, gazing longingly out her window.

No later than 24 hours after the incident, Gal received a call in the dead of night from a blocked number. She didn’t pick up at first because “Jesus Christ, what millennial in their right mind talks on the phone anymore?” After the eighth call, however, she acquiesced.

According to Gal, the voice told her to meet the Honor Committee at the Nassau Hall Cupola at 00:17:46 military time. There, Pohlise informed her of the rule change and her retroactive punishment: a year-long suspension and devastating social isolation. To allow Wendell time to reflect

on the severity of her crime, the University stipulated that she is to spend the next year somewhere cold and desolate.

At the time of publication, Gal was considering a semester at Cornell.

According to the new policy, which was passed narrowly along party lines in the USG Senate and ratified by an intern in the deep dark pits of Nassau Hall, punishments for pirating will be retroactive.

So although Gal was the first to receive disciplinary action, anyone who has pirated “Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2” since its 2015 release is at risk of suspension.

The Honor Committee has requested that students refrain from clearing their Internet history while they check the records. Let me repeat. If you or a loved one has pirated

“Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2” in the last four years, you may be at risk. It would NOT (wink) be a good idea (wink wink) to CLEAR YOUR INTERNET HISTORY RIGHT NOW. Browse incognito, use the computers at ’Stone, hack into the WiFi at Small World Coffee, whatever — you have been warned.

They’re on the lookout.

Under the new policy, students will still be allowed to pirate the original “Paul Blart: Mall Cop,” on the grounds that classic works of cinema should be available for educational purposes.

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue.

Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!

COURTESY OF PRINCETON UNIVERSITY RIGHTS RULES AND RESPONSIBILITIES

Rights Rules and Responsibilities was updated to reflect the prohibition on pirating ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2.’

Like bee stings and spa nights? Join Charter this semester!

CHARTER Continued from page 1

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7. Create a cemetery for alumni. All of them. When else are you going to get the chance to exhume the likes of F. Scott Fitzgerald, James Madison ’71, or Alan Turing GS ’38. And if you never get to be a billionaire in this lifetime, at least you’ll be buried next to a combined net worth of $574 billion.

8. Relocate the shrine to Jeff Goldblum which may or may not exist somewhere on this campus. Let it be fruitful and multiply.

9. Demolish the clubhouse entirely. Harvest the rubble to throw at your lovers’ window like some kind of John Cusack movie.

10. Install a permanent McKinsey recruiting office within Charter. Who needs a Skype interview when you can network over your morning Lucky Charms? For best results on that return offer, pour milk, then cereal, then bowl.

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue.

Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!

COURTESY OF LOTS OF GRAD STUDENTS

Every single graduate student at the University could be forced to live at Charter.

Opinion

Wednesday January 8, 2020

page 5

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Turn off the winter Braden Flax Columnist

It is easy to forget that unlike the outside world, the weather conditions on campus are the products of conscious construction. Though determining the operational parameters of President Eisgruber ’83’s weather machine remains a daunting and neglected project — the silence in the referendum department is deafening — it remains the case that he could, on a whim, resolve the ecological matters that concern much of our campus community.

Any reader of Freakonomics knows, of course, that people respond to incentive structures, and we at Princeton are no different. Why do we turn on the heat, take hot showers, and drink hot chocolate? Because it’s cold!

Except for the hot chocolate.

Everyone should be drinking that regardless.

The point, of course, is that wasting energy on heating the

inside of buildings would not be necessary were said architectural marvels not being frozen from the outside by an unrelenting onslaught of University-sponsored iciness. Will it be necessary to expropriate our meteorological manager, or will he come to his senses in time?

No matter. Two things, clearly, are imperative: We must pressure President Eisgruber to make the right call, and we must be prepared to master the technical aspects of his machine if he fails to do so. It seems so obvious, one may object, that this shouldn’t be necessary. If our own administration could warm the outside as readily as the inside, why would they do otherwise?

The first among imaginable — albeit poor — arguments is that this would waste more energy than heating the inside of buildings. It is a particular type of person who would think to pose this question; the technical term, if memory serves, is “twerp.” But freezing cold does

not a sharp mind make, so just to clear things up, I’ll waste space and address it.

The primary response, of course, is simply “Shut up!”

Seriously? We’re talking about a magic weather machine, to which no other university or locale has access, and your first thought is of unintended consequences? Where is your adventurous spirit? And also, it’s magic. Secondly, is constant comfort not worth whatever the cost might be? Whatever it is, it will probably be suffered by someone else, anyway. Like I say, twerp.

Further, one might point out that it’s good for those from different regions to be exposed to a diversity of weather conditions.

Well, we’ve had quite enough of that already. For those who haven’t caught on, I’ll cut to the chase and reveal that our region sucks. Aside from that, why is college the place to learn to deal with frostbite? Let’s keep it restricted to a diversity of ideas, please, so that we can deter-

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mine who actually has a right to be here in the first place.

The last plausible counterpoint concerns how temperature moderation might empower students in ways we shouldn’t be. For instance, leaving the comfort of our dorms might actually encourage us to interact! Then again, the localized abolition of wintry conditions will drastically reduce cuddling rates, which should be a comfort to the Puritans who may have Eisgruber’s ear.

If the administration does not respond, we will be forced to act. It will be hard to work together, as it may require leaving our heated buildings. But if we muster the courage to break the ice in the most literal sense, we’ll have a heated outside, as well. And then the sky will be the limit — or rather, the outskirts of an insular campus.

Braden Flax is a junior from Merrick, N.Y. He can be reached at bflax@princeton.edu.

editor-in-chief

Chris Murphy ’20 business manager

Taylor Jean-Jacques’20 BOARD OF TRUSTEES president Thomas E. Weber ’89 vice president Craig Bloom ’88 secretary Betsy L. Minkin ’77 treasurer Douglas J. Widmann ’90 trustees Francesca Barber David Baumgarten ’06 Kathleen Crown Gabriel Debenedetti ’12 Stephen Fuzesi ’00 Zachary A. Goldfarb ’05 Michael Grabell ’03 John Horan ’74 Joshua Katz Rick Klein ’98 James T. MacGregor ’66 Alexia Quadrani Marcelo Rochabrun ’15 Kavita Saini ’09 Richard W. Thaler, Jr. ’73 Abigail Williams ’14 trustees emeriti Gregory L. Diskant ’70 William R. Elfers ’71 Kathleen Kiely ’77 Jerry Raymond ’73 Michael E. Seger ’71 Annalyn Swan ’73 trustees ex officio Chris Murphy ’20 Taylor Jean-Jacques’20

143RD MANAGING BOARD managing editors Samuel Aftel ’20 Ariel Chen ’20 Jon Ort ’21 head news editors Benjamin Ball ’21 Ivy Truong ’21 associate news editors Linh Nguyen ’21 Claire Silberman ’22 Katja Stroke-Adolphe ’20 head opinion editor Cy Watsky ’21 associate opinion editors Rachel Kennedy ’21 Ethan Li ’22 head sports editor Jack Graham ’20 associate sports editors Tom Salotti ’21 Alissa Selover ’21 features editors Samantha Shapiro ’21 Jo de La Bruyere ’22 head prospect editor Dora Zhao ’21 associate prospect editor Noa Wollstein ’21

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Sports

Wednesday January 8, 2020

page 6

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Princeton Athletics seeks to boost student attendance by adding study stations in stands Y A Y FA N S !

By Jack Graham

Head Sports Editor

Princeton Athletics is launching a new initiative to boost student attendance at Princeton sporting events: adding study carrels to the stands at its sporting facilities.

The plan involves placing study stations similar to those found at libraries across campus in Princeton’s athletic facilities, starting with a pilot program at Princeton Stadium and Jadwin Gymnasium in Fall 2020.

“We want all of our students to be able to participate in Princeton’s rich athletic tradition, but we realize that taking hours to attend an athletic event can be difficult to balance with academic commitments,” the statement said. “We hope that this bold new initiative will allow students to attend games without sacrificing academic performance.”

The study carrels will be located in the upper decks of Princeton Stadium and Jadwin Gym, areas that are typically sparsely populated with fans.

“We’re proud to be the first university in the country to introduce such

a program,” the statement continued.

“At many universities, students have to choose between supporting athletics and excelling in academics. Not at Princeton.”

Some students appeared eager about the initiative, praising the creative blend of academics and athletics.

“I love watching football, but Saturday afternoons are prime problem set time,” one junior said. “This way, I can do both. Watch a play, write a line of code; play, line of code.”

Others appear unlikely to attend athletic events anyways.

“It’s a cool idea, but I don’t see myself taking advantage of it,” one student said. “I think the game taking place right below you would be pretty distracting. I have a hard time getting focused unless I’m in the basement of Lewis Library with absolutely no contact with the outside world.”

The introduction of study spaces to sporting arenas would be an unprecedented measure, but some athletes and coaches saw the potential for the proposal to give Princeton a unique competitive advantage.

“I’m excited about this new pro-

gram,” one football coach said in an email. “The sound of thousands of students furiously typing away before a big third-down play will definitely be intimidating for our opponents.”

Sources told the ‘Prince’ that the University discussed other proposals to boost attendance, including mandating that every first-year join The Daily Princetonian’s Sports section, before settling on this one.

The Department of Athletics is also considering other bold initiatives to merge athletics and academics, like allowing players unlikely to enter the game to edit papers from the bench and encouraging athletes concentrating in the sciences and engineering to run to their labs to check on experiments during halftime.

“We recognize that participating in varsity athletics can place a strain on student-athletes’ busy academic calendars,” the statement said. “Here at Princeton, we’re redefining what it means to be a student and an athlete.”

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!

JACK GRAHAM / THE DAILY PRINCETONIAN

Potential future site of in-arena study carrels.

DRUGS

“That’s bullshit”: IM doping scandal roils campus

By Alissa Selover and Tom Salotti Associate Sports Editors

After more than a year of undercover investigations by University officials, 17 intramural athletes were suspended by Campus Recreation on Tuesday for doping. The announcement sent shockwaves rippling through campus, cast the future of dozens of teams into doubt, and thrust the demanding world of intramural sports under intense, unwelcome scrutiny.

“This is never the result you want to see, the call you want to have to make,” said a representative for Campus Recreation. “But doping is an ugly side of elite performance. It’s an unfortunate reality. We have no choice but to tackle it head-on.”

The University offers three levels of athletic competition on campus:

varsity, club, and intramural. By far the most demanding, Princeton’s varsity programs compete at the NCAA Division I level. Their athletes are largely recruited, blonde, and outfitted in matching clothes.

Club sports are the second level of sports on campus. They are for people who wish they were varsity athletes and had the clout that came with it but aren’t good enough to play Division I. Princeton’s intramural teams (IM) represent the University’s lowest tier of competition. To many, IM sports seem like nothing more than havens for bumbling computer scientists and anthropologists: graceless, uncommitted to their athletic craft, and convinced that a single round of Spikeball counts as their weekly cardio.

“IM sports?” asked one golf player.

“Wait — do those even take athletic

ability? They’re not even close to legit.”

However, various conversations with intramural athletes — some accused of doping, others privy to a culture defined by it — revealed a darker side of what appears to be a carefree, low-stakes environment.

Chris, a Tiger Inn senior concentrating in Operations Research and Financial Engineering, is a committed four-year intramural inner tube water polo player. Along with other athletes interviewed for this article, he has been granted partial anonymity for privacy purposes.

“I’ve only had one goal for myself this whole time at Princeton,” he said. “To become the best inner tube water polo player this campus, this state, and this nation has ever seen. I gave up everything for it. I even gave up Naturdays. I missed my McKinsey interview for a game. So did I dope?

Yeah. Of course. Horses don’t stop.

They keep going.”

Sarah, a sophomore in Rockefeller College, was handed a three-year ban from her IM broomball team after the University found her guilty of using performance-enhancing drugs. The ban will effectively end her IM career.

“At this point, I’m just trying to get honor-coded twice,” she said. “I have four papers due on Dean’s Date, so I should be able to make it happen.

Princeton IM sports hasn’t seen the last of me.”

Other athletes took a more creative approach to their defense.

“Yeah, the cocaine test came back positive,” said one member of Ivy Club’s intramural badminton team.

“But is that doping? No. Honestly at this point, I’d rather they take me to court than ban me from playing frisbee. My dad knows a judge.”

A Terrace Club IM frisbee athlete,

who is a member of the Daily Princetonian’s managing board and refused to be named, complained that the University banned his team after they all tested positive for marijuana.

“Am I sad that I can’t play the coolest sport of all time? Yeah, but it’s fricking bullshit that TI can get caught shooting heroin and nothing happens. It just gets swept under the rug,” he said. “Now that we’re out, no one can stop them in the Ultimate tournament.”

A spokesperson for the University relayed the joint response of President Christopher Eisgruber ’83, the Department of Athletics, and McCosh Health Center.

“Jesus Christ. Seriously?”

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!

AT H L E T I C S T H R O U G H E D U C AT I O N

Princeton joins B1G Ten to face Rutgers

By Christopher Murphy Editor-In-Chief

This season, the Princeton football team had more wins than their in-state rivals have garnered in the past three years combined. Yet despite the calls from local media and a few drunk students clad in orange and black, the Rutgers Scarlet Knights have refused to schedule a non-conference game against the Tigers.

That is about to change.

In a stunning turn of events more shocking than the Dallas Cowboys’ coaching search, Princeton has agreed in principle to join the B1G Ten Conference, leaving their Ivy League roots behind. The move, set to occur next year, will force Rutgers to play the Tigers every season.

“We had extensive talks in the offseason with our boosters and other important people in the program,’’ noted Princeton’s head football coach Bob Surace ’90. “Ultimately, if they don’t want to bring their game to us, we’ll just bring our game to them.”

Students and faculty around campus have already noticed changes to University lifestyle as Princeton prepares for the B1G leap. One student was quick to point members of The Daily Princetonian to Cannon

Green, where a stage and picket fencing have been erected for the arrival of College GameDay. Others reflected on the increased number of holidays in the school calendar, as the University prepares to recognize the day after football and basketball games as official holidays in the academic calendar. A few students could also be seen rushing various fraternities — a recent campus phenomenon that has never existed before — as these male social groups educate their members on how to avoid self-incrimination during inevitable hazing investigations.

Interestingly, the ‘Prince’ uncovered Class of 2024 welcome brochures that included the motto “Athletics Through Education.” When asked about the change, the Office of the Registrar noted upcoming revisions to the curriculum.

“In an effort to gel better with the other universities we will be interacting with, the University felt that changes to the academic curriculum were needed. Student athletes will now have the opportunity to participate in a program directly catered to them, which will include classes such as Health 103: How to Survive Triple Sessions, Film 102–108: The Science of the Opposing Team, and FRS 420: How to Sound Effectively Whine About Not Getting Paid. Ad-

Tweet of the Day Princeton ... I’m back.

Jason Garrett (@ Ex_Cowboys_Coach), not the cowboys

ditionally, professors will be required to excuse student athletes who need to attend ‘captain’s practices,’ which are team bonding moments and are definitely not just unmarked practices orchestrated by the coaches.

We think the changes will provide us with that competitive edge while keeping us academically superior to all of our peer institutions.”

In making the move, the University will also benefit from the money received from becoming a part of the B1G Ten’s television deal. In order to avoid the mandatory waiting period before receiving funds, Princeton has agreed to bribe the B1G Ten central office with money from its $24.7 billion endowment, as it is currently unused.

According to a statement from Eisgruber’s D.M.s, the television revenue will be used to fund a 30year plan on how to defer reparation payments, as well as a committee to cover up Princeton’s investments in fossil fuels. Additionally, the ‘Prince’ received a message on Snapchat at 2 a.m. saying, “Who knows, maybe we’ll build another Wilson monument ;).”

Committed to serving the NCAA community, Princeton has also agreed in principle to fund a new bowl game. The game will be co-sponsored by investment bank

Goldman Sachs and consulting firm McKinsey & Company and be called “the Sell-Out Bowl.” Teams will play the game in the financial district of New York City, and instead of a 60-minute football game, players will compete to see who can hand out more business cards at a networking event.

The move is very exciting for the University’s football team, who are looking to enter a new chapter of their glorious history. While getting

killed 105–0 by Ohio State may sound daunting, it will all be worth it when the Tigers defeat Rutgers 6–3 in front of a crowd of 69 people. As for other varsity teams, the Department of Athletics doesn’t seem that worried about their adjustment to the new conference.

“Wait, we have other varsity teams?” said an official from the department. “That’s news to me!”

Stat of the Day

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Average number of fans in attendance at each Princeton sporting event.