January 10, 2018

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Wednesday January 10, 2018 vol. CXLI no. 122

{ www.dailyprincetonian.com } U . S . A F FA I R S

U. purchases U.S. Congress

By Daily Princetonian Staff

In a move that few expected, President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 announced that, from Jan. 32 onwards, the U.S. Congress will be owned by the University and will operate as a branch of the University.

“We have over $22 billion in the bank,” said Eisgruber. “Rather than continually engaging in lawsuits with the government and dealing with tax-exemption headaches, it just seemed cleaner to buy it all out.”

University Director of Government Affairs Joyce Rechtschaffen ’75 was not available for comment. However, Assistant Vice President for Communications Daniel Day said that he expected Rechtschaffen’s job to be much harder now, as she will be serving as acting majority shareholder.

Dean of the Wilson School Cecilia Rouse was

also pleased with the University’s actions.

“We’re almost going to outgrow our current spaces in Robertson Hall,” said Rouse, “So it’s wonderful that we now have more room for faculty and precepts in a building that’s almost as nice as our current one, and almost as old as this institution.”

The original Capitol was finished by 1800, over half a century after the University’s founding.

The Wilson School plans to offer new courses, including “Policymaking for Beginners” and “Making Government Work: Sharing is Caring.” These courses will be taught in the new satellite campus in Washington, D.C. All current members of Congress can receive auditor credit for any courses taught there.

“It’s so exciting to finally make a difference,” said Nicholas Wu ’18, a Wilson School major. “Princeton See CONGRESS page 2

STUDENT LIFE

U. proposes change of mascot to an ox, students have a cow

By Benjamin Ball contributor

Students across the University were deeply mooved yesterday when the University released its formal proposal to change the University mascot from the regal tiger to the humble yet persistent cow.

“We’ve herd the voices of the students and we truly believe this to be the best decision,” said President Eisgruber. “The ox is a symbol of service and courage, and when we at Princeton see a good idea like this, we milk it for all it’s worth.”

The idea struck Eisgruber after witnessing a few students who slept too late and had to hoof it to class.

Watching the students’ dedication to academics, Eisgruber mused that they would certainly be outstanding in their fields one day, and they deserved a mascot that encapsulated their work ethic.

“It’s the best thing we as the administration cud do for the students,” said Eisgruber. “We want to foster a caring and inclusive environment and eliminate any beef between students, and we think this is a great step forward.”

Student responses have been mixed at best. Regina Yu ‘18 was all for it.

“I think it’s an incredibull idea,” said Yu. “As a Princeton student, there are so many late nights

where you’re up pasture bedtime and you need to hit the hay but there’s just more work to do. We’re all little persistent oxen if you think about it!”

Other students were not as sold on the idea, believing the change by the university was a severe miscowculation.

“It’s an udder disaster,” said disgruntled student Ethan Ferniwinkle ‘20.

“I’ve heard a lot of weird ideas come out of this administration, but this one is just bull.”

Thomas DiMaggio ‘19 was also angry with the position the administration was taking, especially after they rejected his own proposal to change the new school mascot to a mouse, claiming the plan was just too cheesy.

“I, for one, thought it was a gouda idea,” said DiMaggio. “The fact that the University would shut down my idea for an ox is unbrieleavable. I guess I blue it.”

Eisgruber plans to formally announce his decision about the mascot at the tenth Annual PreDean’s Date Undergraduate Omelette Dinner, “Don’t Crack Under the Pressure.”

“The omelette dinner will be an eggsellent venue to unveil the new idea, and we can’t wait to hear what the students think,” said Dean of College Jill Dolan.

“This is no yolk.”

O

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S Q U I R R E L A F FA I R S

Campus squirrels form union despite tension with chipmunks

COURTESY OF WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

Squirrello Smith is one of the members of the new squirrels union.

By Daily Princetonian Staff In a late vote Thursday night, over 500 squirrels voted to unionize and form Nutcrackers Local 522. The vote was marred by allegations leveled against organizers by chipmunks that accused the organizers of leaving them out of the process. These protests were discarded after attendants were reminded that it was time to hibernate.

“CHEHEHEHEHE,” said one voter after all acorns had been counted. “CHEHCHEHEH HEHCHE! WHEHEHSHHEHEHWH!” Multiple other voters scurried away after being approached by reporters from The Daily Princetonian.

The vote came after a contentious tourist season during which many squirrels felt they were being taken advantage of by the University.

“The squirrels of Princ-

eton University are tired of being the face of the University and not receiving just compensation,” said Jeff Zymeri ’20, who served as a legal consultant for the squirrels’ pro-union movement. “They are forced to beg for their food, beg!

What kind of life is that?

By banding together, we can force the University to come to the table and bargain in good faith, instead of buying us off with birdseed. Well, not us. I don’t eat birdseed. The University feeds me.”

“We ... really don’t know what to do about this,” said a spokesperson for Princeton Graduate Students United. “Are they an AFLCIO affiliate?”

Chip and Dale, chipmunks opposed to the union, voiced discontent with the union’s formation.

“Squirrels live a charmed life on campus. They already get handouts from everyone on campus,” Dale

said as he waited in line to snatch boba tea away from a study break.

A squirrel by Firestone Library countered those claims, explaining “HEHASHCHEHCHE HCEHCEH CHECHHECHEH,” as she went about digging up nuts.

“Are you serious? Get out of my office!” said University President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 when questioned by the ‘Prince’ about the union. Due to Eisgruber’s greatly diminished open office hours, reporters, alongside union representatives, had to climb the ivy on Nassau Hall to reach Eisgruber’s office.

An email sent later in the day to union representatives indicated that the University was going to decline to recognize the union.

Former University spokesperson Martin Mbugua declined to comment.

U . A F FA I R S

COURTESY OF TWITTER

Trump takes to Twitter to praise U.’s Annual Giving campaign, claims credit for new record

By Daily Princetonian Staff

United States President Donald Trump noted on Twitter today that the University’s Annual Giving campaign has had its

most successful year yet.

He also appeared to take some credit for alumni donations through this campaign, and promised there was “MUCH MORE TO COME!!”

When reached for comment, the University put out the following statement: “Sorry, but he attended the University of Pennsylvania.”

In Opinion

Today on Campus

Senior columnist Ryan Born argues for the arming of Princeton’s squirrel population, and Associate Opinion Editor Emily Erdos defends vegans who wear Canada Goose. PAGE 4

12 a.m. - 12 p.m: Students will suffer as they prepare their Dean’s Date assignments.

WEATHER

This is the Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Don’t believe everything you read!

HIGH

38˚

LOW

31˚

It’s going to be cold. chance of rain:

10 percent

The Daily Princetonian

page 2

Wednesday January 10, 2018

Members of Congress to receive auditor credit at new D.C. campus CONGRESS Continued from page 1

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has taught us so much about the real world, and its vibrant support of internships and summer jobs will really be bolstered by this expansion.”

Wu further noted that he expects his Wilson School task force to soon be able to pass legislation.

Wu is Head Opinion Editor of The Daily Princetonian.

The news of the Univer-

sity’s newest political acquisition follows the announcement that Harvard Law School will now be sponsoring the Supreme Court.

A Harvard spokesman said, “Well, you know, we feel this will help with our networking potential and alumni donations greatly.

Plus we can use the chambers as overf low room for CS50.”

Yale University has also attempted to buy the Library of Congress, but the school was outbid by

the University of Chicago, which came out of nowhere to snatch the purchase.

Members of Princeton Model Congress also expressed excitement at the University’s direction.

“Suck it, Model UN,” said Samuel Garfinkle ’19, referencing the sister organization of Model Congress. “Everyone makes fun of [Model Congress] for having a conference that’s not even in D.C., but now we’ll be able to take all of PMUNC’s staffers

and run deficits, and no one will care!”

Garfinkle is a Managing Editor for the ‘Prince.’

Laura Hausman ’20, an officer of the MUN team, did not respond to the ‘Prince’ knocking on her door.

Day added, “Princeton’s motto has been to be in the nation’s service, and we feel our strong commitment to financial aid and a no-loan guarantee will be popular with the American people.”

Sarah Sakha ’18 was

more circumspect. “It’ll be nice, I guess,” she said, “to not have to deal with racist iconography on the new campus.”

Sakha is the Editor-inChief of the ‘Prince.’

Texas senator and new University auditor Ted Cruz ’92 did not respond to multiple requests for comment.

Wednesday January 10, 2018

The Daily Princetonian

page 3

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Opinion

Wednesday January 10, 2018

page 4

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Arm Princeton’s squirrels Ryan Born

senior columnist

E

veryone has a right to arms under the second amendment. It is therefore immoral and illegal to deny our most vulnerable citizens their right to self protection.

Squirrels, who are people

too, live in a precarious balance of life and death.

We can only improve the balance on life’s side by providing more firearms.

Everyone knows that more guns equals more life, and we love our squirrels, so why would we not want them to have more life?

In my belief, officers in the Department of Pub-

lic Safety should not have guns, but the squirrels should. Why? Frankly, I trust squirrels more than police officers. Also, they are cute and fuzzy, so how could they possibly take life unnecessarily? The only way to protect our second amendment rights is to make sure that the government can’t take our

guns. That will be significantly easier if we also arm our wildlife. This is a good idea and has no problems.

Also, all the guns should be AR-15s.

Ryan Born is a junior in Philosophy from Washington, Mich.

He can be reached at rcborn@ princeton.edu.

I am vegan and wear Canada Goose

Emily Erdos

associate opinion editor

F

or many, being vegetarian or vegan is more than a dietary restriction – it’s a lifestyle that dictates not only what an individual puts in their body, but also what an individual puts on their body. Many vegans and vegetarians choose to eliminate animal skins and furs from their wardrobe and instead wear synthetic alternatives.

Beyond themselves, animal activists often protest other people (who may be non-vegan or non-vegetarian) wearing animal-based clothing. In Northeastern cities during cold winter weather, Canada Goose is a brand that is often protested by People for Ethical Treatment of Animals, a prominent American animal rights activism group. As the name suggests, Canada Goose uses goose feathers for down in their clothing, which is known for being particularly warm. In addition to goose feathers, the hoods of some Canada Goose jackets are lined with coyote fur. PETA, along with other animal rights activists, has accordingly been fighting against Canada Goose jackets, pointing to their inhumane killing and use of innocent animals.

In my belief, veganism is the most ethical dietary choice. However, I also feel that PETA and other vegans alike are wrong to fight Canada Goose. In other words, I believe that Canada Goose outerwear is an ethical choice, even for vegans and vegetarians.

As we know it today, almost all animals produced for food consumption do suffer. The U.S. Department of Agriculture’s standard protocols reveal the gruesome reality that is the fate for cows, pigs,

and chickens in most U.S. factory farms. No doubt, animals on factory farms suffer. Based on my logic above, it does not matter whether animals on factory farms have rights or not, because they are suffering – and thus, it is unethical for humans to consume them for food.

However, with respect to Canada Goose jackets, there has yet to be proof that the geese and coyotes used in the process suffer.

In their Fur and Down Policy, Canada Goose states the following: “We believe all animals are entitled to humane treatment in life and death, and are deeply committed to the responsible use and ethical sourcing of all animal materials in our products. We do not condone any willful mistreatment and neglect of animals or acts that maliciously cause undue pain, injury or suffering.”

PETA protesters have posted videos and articles showing and claiming cruel treatment of animals

by Canada Goose, but none of these assertions or videos have actually been directly linked back to Canada Goose, nor has Canada Goose taken ownership of them. In fact, only the opposite has been proven from the videos, if anything. The company uses animals from Canada and the United States. In Canada, Canada Goose adheres to the Agreement of International Humane Trapping Standards, which states that legal traps must “[produce] rapid onset of unconsciousness and insensibility of animals trapped,” meaning that the animal will die or be unconscious simultaneously – and therefore will not experience any suffering. In the United States, Canada Goose follows the Best Managed Practices for Trapping in the United States. The BMP has a similar clause to the AIHTS,

stating that “All types of traps used on land to hold live animals were evaluated […for] animal welfare.” From these, Canada Goose ensures humane treatment of animals with complete minimization, if not full eradication, of suffering. In other words, Canada Goose follows the procedures of a “perfect kill” – where an animal does not suffer. Because the animals do not suffer, Canada Goose passes Bentham’s first test: Does the animal suffer? No. Therefore, under Bentham’s logic, Canada Goose outerwear made with animal feathers and fur is ethical.

The 21st-century counter-argument to this is obvious: why can one not use synthetic materials instead of animal materials?

Modern technology has produced synthetic down and other down alternatives to goose feathers, as well as synthetic fake furs made of mostly plastics.

However, we must consider what this does to the environment.

The second motivation for a vegan or vegetarian diet: sustainability.

A vegan diet is better for the environment because, as written in an essay for the Worldwatch Institute, “the human appetite for animal f lesh is a driving force behind virtually every major category of environmental damage now threatening the human future – deforestation, erosion, fresh water scarcity, air and water pollution, climate change, biodiversity loss, social injustice, the destabilization of communities and the spread of disease.” Therefore, sustainability is a motivating factor for plant-based food consumption. However, this argument does not hold when applied to the use of animals for Canada Goose jackets. In fact, science proves the opposite.

Faux-furs and synthetics

used in animal-alternative clothing are not sustainable for the environment.

The apparel industry alone accounts for ten percent of global carbon emissions and is the second largest polluter, only behind oil.

Beyond consumption, synthetic polymers used in clothing are one of the world’s largest polluters.

These synthetic materials often end up in the ocean or international landfills with lax environmental regulations. Unfortunately, these synthetics are not biodegradable, and thus sit as polluters for up to decades on end.

Animal skins, furs, and feathers propose the more env i ron mental ly-friendly alternative. The geese and coyote products used in Canada Goose jackets are naturally occurring and biodegradable. Coyotes and Canadian geese are both populations of “least concern” and are increasing, according to the IUCN Red List of Threatened Species. The use of the animals is not making them anywhere near extinct. In fact, it is the exact opposite, as both populations are cited as increasing populations in North America. Therefore, the use of plant-based alternatives for a dietary consumption is sustainably ethical, but the use of synthetic alternatives for clothing is not, thus making Canada Goose a sustainably ethical choice.

In conclusion, although ethics and sustainability might motivate a vegan or vegetarian diet, I believe it is morally responsible and ethical for a vegan or vegetarian to own and wear a Canada Goose jacket.

Emily Erdos is an Associate Opinion Editor of The Daily Princetonian. This letter represents the views of the Associate Opinion Editor only. She can be reached at eerdos@princeton.edu.

vol. cxli

Sarah Sakha ’18

editor-in-chief

Matthew McKinlay ’18 business manager

BOARD OF TRUSTEES president Thomas E. Weber ’89 vice president Craig Bloom ’88 secretary Betsy L. Minkin ’77 treasurer Douglas J. Widmann ’90 Kathleen Crown William R. Elfers ’71 Stephen Fuzesi ’00 Zachary A. Goldfarb ’05 John Horan ’74 Joshua Katz Kathleen Kiely ’77 Rick Klein ’98 James T. MacGregor ’66 Alexia Quadrani Marcelo Rochabrun ’15 Richard W. Thaler, Jr. ’73 Lisa Belkin ‘82 Francesca Barber trustees emeriti Gregory L. Diskant ’70 Jerry Raymond ’73 Michael E. Seger ’71 Annalyn Swan ’73

141ST MANAGING BOARD managing editors Samuel Garfinkle ’19 Grace Rehaut ’18 Christina Vosbikian ’18 head news editor Marcia Brown ’19 associate news editors Kristin Qian ’18 head opinion editor Nicholas Wu ’18 associate opinion editors Samuel Parsons ’19 Emily Erdos ’19 head sports editor David Xin ’19 associate sports editors Christopher Murphy ’20 Claire Coughlin ’19 head street editor Jianing Zhao ’20 associate street editors Lyric Perot ’20 Danielle Hoffman ’20 web editor Sarah Bowen ’20 head copy editors Isabel Hsu ’19 Omkar Shende ’18 associate copy editors Caroline Lippman ’19 Megan Laubach ’18 head design editors Samantha Goerger ’20 Quinn Donohue ’20 cartoons editor Tashi Treadway ’19

NIGHT STAFF copy Ally Dalman ’20 Catherine Benedict ’20 Paige Allen ’20 Elizabeth Bailey ’21 design Rachel Brill ’19

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Wednesday January 10, 2018

Opinion

page 5

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LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Speech is canceled Nicholas Wu

head opinion editor

N

ew York Magazine writer Jonathan Chait called liberal speech on campuses a “war on the liberal mind.” Conservatives frequently decry “snowf lake liberals” on our college campuses. President Trump threatened to cut off federal funding to the University of California, Berkeley, over its alleged suppression of conservative speech. Here at Princeton, some go so far as to allege that the University has become a haven of left-wing groupthink. For its part, the left seems like it will tear itself apart over ideological differences — just look at the Ta-Nehisi Coates and Cornel West feud, or the continued battles in the

Democratic Party between the Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton wings.

From time to time, even we editors at the ‘Prince’ come under fire for perceived liberal bias, such as suppressing speech from a previous iteration of our Editorial Board, individual guest contributors, and others. Inevitably, our columnists end up offending some people with their writing, regardless of our best efforts to stamp out conservative speech as the P.C. police. Clearly, we snowf lakes aren’t cut out to handle the burdens of free speech.

If we publish more liberal columns, then the conservatives cry foul about the suppression of their speech.

If we publish more conservative columns, then we’re

accused of having shut out and suppressed liberal speech. We clearly can’t have it both ways.

In our rapidly changing media landscape, we at The Daily Princetonian are forced to implement creative solutions to vexing policy problems. Our ultimate responsibility, as one of the oldest college dailies, is to serve you, the public, to present a digital-first, innovative news product. We live in a brave new world for political discourse in America. If a man can sue Google for alleged discrimination against white, conservative men, then anything is possible.

There’s only one solution to this conundrum — from here on out, we will have no more opinions on the ‘Prince’ opinion page.

Speech is canceled. Using the authority vested in me as Head Opinion Editor, I will simply suppress all speech. All columns will be rejected. Any guest submissions will go immediately into the trash. The Editorial Board is disbanded entirely, with individual writers given the option to write for Breitbart instead.

Paper copies of the paper will be pulped and made into sustainably-sourced, vegan, and cruelty-free beds for squirrels. For fear of offending people with our cartoons, our cartoon section will be disbanded too.

Think about it. This way, there will be no more columns about USG, the Honor Code, or kale. No longer will you have to read through the somewhat-meta-buts t i l l-bl i s s f u l ly-u n aw a re-

t h a t-t h e y- w e r e - g i v e n - a platform-anyway screeds about the suppression of conservative speech. If we no longer print columns, then you don’t have to worry about reading alternative facts, either. We can all live in blissful ignorance about goings-on at our campus.

What will we do without our precious free and civil discourse? Take a break from the heated debates that rage on Facebook about our section. Go outside.

See the world. Read a book or two. If I can’t have free speech, then no one can.

Nicholas Wu is a senior in the Wilson School from Grosse Pointe Shores, Mich. He is the Head Opinion Editor and can be reached at nmwu@ princeton.edu.

What Frosh Think Hosing Is tashi treadway ’19 ..................................................

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Wednesday January 10, 2018

Sports

page 6

{ www.dailyprincetonian.com } LOTS OF SPORTS

U. adds curling, mini golf, and Madden to list of DI sports; claims titles in all three

By Chris Murphy

associate sports editor

Just when you thought Princeton couldn’t win anymore national accolades, they went out and won three more.

The University Department of Athletics announced on Monday that it was adding three new sports to its list of Division I sports: curling, mini golf, and Madden. All three sports will have a men’s and women’s division, increasing the number of men’s sports to 21 and women’s sports to 20.

“We are excited to extend our varsity offering to sports that are starting to take off around the nation,” noted the department in a statement released on its website yesterday. “We think that this is an opportunity to offer some athletes a chance to attend the best University in the world while still playing the sport they love. It’s a great way to continue diversifying our great community.”

The University, in its revised 2018 budget, allocated an extra $3 million to the

Department of Athletics to cover the initial funding for these programs. Costs include creating facilities, hiring staff, and recruiting. According to a long-

term outlook published by the Athletics Department in early January, the mini golf facility — which will feature 36 holes, multilevel courses, waterfalls, and

COURTESY OF FLICKR

The popular video game Madden will now be a DI sport at Princeton.

dozens of components — will replace Firestone Library. Meanwhile, it is believed by sources within the University that the contents of Firestone will be sold to cover the costs of the Madden facility — a full sized gym featuring a dozen 96inch screens, copies of every single Madden from 19882018 on every gaming device, and professional Madden Ultimate Team advisers available 24/7 for athletes to consult and train with.

“Of course, these programs will be state-of-theart, like everything else at Princeton,” said the Department of Athletics.

On Tuesday, the three teams were officially recognized by the University and the NCAA. Later that afternoon, all three teams were also awarded the 2018 national championships.

When asked about the sudden recognition for all three teams, the NCAA noted that no delay was necessary considering that Princeton was the only school with a team in the field. “We didn’t want the athletes to have to suffer over the agonizing wait for their season

to conclude,” said a representative for the NCAA. “We think that by awarding the teams the national championship earlier, they can get the proper recognition they deserve.”

2018 marks the first time in recent memory that Princeton has earned the national championship in three sports in the same calendar year. The athletics department hopes that the success of these teams will inspire all other Princeton teams to follow suit and win their national championships as well.

“If we can win one in Madden we can certainly win one in football or basketball or any other sport we have!” said the Department of Atheltics in a recent promo.

As the success of these three programs continues to grow, The Daily Princetonian is excited to begin providing coverage for these sports. Updates for men’s and women’s curling, mini golf, and Madden will be provided every Tuesday afternoon and appear in Wednesday’s print edition.

Stay tuned for more exciting updates!

BASKETBALL

LaVar Ball proclaims himself new head coach of men’s and women’s basketball

By David Xin head sports editor

LaVar Ball, American media personality and CEO of Big Baller Brand, has proclaimed himself head coach of both the men’s and women’s basketball programs at Princeton University.

“I have decided to take my talents to the Tigers,” said Ball. “They all going to be big ballers now.”

A spokesperson for the Princeton Department of Athletics immediately denied Ball’s claims to the head coach position, stating, “We have not received any communications from Mr. Ball and are very happy with the personnel we currently have in place. We also

find it borderline ridiculous that one man could be head coach for two teams.”

“They happy now cause they never had me. Once they see me leading the troops they ain’t going to be happy no more,” said Ball in response. “I can do both jobs. It’s called ball control. Ball control.

That’s also how I’m getting all my kids to the Lakers.”

When asked about his qualifications for coaching college basketball, Ball said, “I’ve been coaching my boys all their lives. I’ve played college, I’m a personal trainer, and my last name’s Ball. How much more lined up can you be? Back in my heyday,

I would kill Michael Jordan one-on-one. He too small, not enough weight in the tailbone. I would just back him up and score all day.” Ball averaged 2.2 points per game when he played for Washington State.

Ball also announced that each of the Princeton players will be required to purchase a pair of Z02s, as well as a Big Baller T-shirt, as part of his new training regiment, leaving some to speculate whether the entire ordeal was a ruse to sell more shoes.

“My plan is simple,” Ball said. “I walk into the gym and then they all gonna listen to me because they are going to realize how right I am.”

COURTESY OF WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

LaVar Ball has decided to make himself the head coach for both the men’s and women’s basketball teams.

FOOTBALL

U. football wins national championship

By Chris Murphy

associate sports editor

The Princeton football team has declared themselves 2017 National Champions. Despite finishing with a 5-5 record and not playing in the Football Bowl Subdivision, college football’s highest tier, the team believes it has a legitimate claim to the title. “Alabama may have technically won the College Football playoff,” said a representative from the

Princeton athletic department in a memo released Tuesday. “But Princeton beat Lafayette, who beat Holy Cross, who beat New Hampshire, who beat Georgia Southern, who beat South Alabama, who beat Troy, who beat LSU, who beat Auburn, who beat Alabama. We think that this clearly establishes Princeton as the best team.”

The athletic department also argued that Princeton’s academic record should have been counted

Tweet of the Day “All the Tigers are gonna be Big Ballers. Michael Jordan will wish he was on my team, so he could be a Big Baller too.”

LaVar Ball (@ Lavarbigballer), self-proclaimed coach of men’s and women’s basketball

in its favor. “The NCAA is also an academic institution,” argued the same memo. “And I don’t see Alabama in the top 10 of the U.S. News & World Report college rankings.”

“I think the Playoff Selection Committee discriminated against us because we don’t play in a top conference,” said Head Coach Bob Surace. “If they had looked closely at what we accomplished this season, they would’ve definitely given us a spot.”

Princeton may have been motivated by the players at UCF, who last week declared themselves national champions as well and were even recognized

by Florida Governor Rick Scott as official champions in the state of Florida. Incoming New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy has not yet announced whether he will do the same for Princeton in New Jersey.

The Princeton Department of Athletics plans to hold a parade to cele-

Stat of the Day

1 billion LaVar Ball demanded a $1-billion deal from Nike for his three sons. l

brate the football team’s accomplishment, and it will also raise a championship banner next season.

Rumors are swirling that the program is also campaigning to declare senior quarterback Chad Kanoff, who broke Princeton’s alltime passing yards record this season, the Heisman Memorial Trophy winner.

“Baker Mayfield is an excellent player,” said Surace, “but Kanoff had one of the greatest seasons of all time.”

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