January 9, 2019

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Wednesday January 9, 2019 vol. CXLII no. 121

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U . A F FA I R S

U. border security shutdown begins

By Zack Shevin Contributor

The University is heading into the third week of its shutdown, caused by a debate over campus border security.

Last month, University president Christopher Eisgruber ’83 announced his plans to put $5 billion, just under 20 percent of the University’s endowment, into campus border security.

“We need a wall, either steel or concrete, to protect this learning institution from the townspeople of Princeton,” Eisgruber said at the most recent Council of the Princeton University Community (CPUC) meeting.

“When the town sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us,” Eisgruber added.

COURTESY OF THE OFFICE OF COMMUNICATIONS

Standard security measures, like Fritz-Randolph gate, failed to keep out town residents this year.

“They’re bringing bike thieves. They’re bringing Peeping Toms. They’re bringing public defecators. They’re perverts.

And some, I assume, are good people,” he said.

Many on campus, however, have feared that a wall would be harmful to “town and gown”

STUDENT LIFE

relations.

“Yes, there have been a few bad apples,” Anscombe Society president Celine “Cel” Abbot ’19 said. “But open relationships are often extremely beneficial.”

In the meantime, vast portions of campus are severely understaffed due to furloughs.

Many PSAFE officers are not on the job this week.

Since the start of the University shutdown, bike thievery has seen a 700 percent increase, and 73 noise complaints have gone unanswered.

Due to a lack of Campus Dining staff showing up to work,

STUDENT LIFE

the University has been forced to close almost all dining halls.

Only Forbes College’s dining hall remains open.

“Before this week, I had never been to Forbes on a weekday, so it’s definitely a change,” said Matey Romano ’22. “It’s not all bad though. My FitBit says I walked 40 miles yesterday!”

The Office of Admission is also severely understaffed.

With the Regular Decision deadline having just passed, it is a bad time to be short on admissions officers. Acting Dean of Admission Jill Dolan said she is overwhelmed with applications.

“I’m the only one showing up to work right now, and I don’t think I’m going to be able to read all of these applications by myself,” she said. “Unless the shutdown ends in the next couple of weeks, the University will not be accepting any students See BORDER page 3

ON CAMPUS

Bezos res. college fails Virk ’20 faces allegations ‘He Bellows’ independent students of Russian interference conference

By Claire Thornton Head News Editor

One year after the opening of Bezos Residential College, an investigation conducted by The Daily Princetonian found independent residents suffer from diabetes and paper cuts.

First-year students in Bezos said their transition to campus was negatively impacted because they never left their dorm rooms.

“After learning that the University could benefit alumni businesses by using independent students, we decided to do something that would maybe help independent stu-

dents,” President Christopher Eisgruber said via Spokesperson Ben Chang in a statement.

To create a livable community for independent students at the University, administrators partnered with Amazon in creating Bezos Residential College. All students in Bezos must make any and all purchases through the online retailer, which then delivers packages straight to their dorm rooms.

“Independent lifestyles at the University are highly inefficient,” Eisgruber said. “The new system helps them save valuable time.”

See BEZOS page 3

STUDENT LIFE

Students start most exclusive eating club

By Benjamin Ball Senior Writer

Jim Olaf ’19 was never a fan of the Bicker process.

He found the process overall morally disingenuous, vaguely illiberal, and almost entirely lacking in empathy.

But Olaf had a vision: a process that, instead, would be morally reprehensible, completely illiberal, and entirely lacking empathy.

Like any good University student, Olaf saw a problem and came up with a solution.

He has founded what will be the newest eating club on campus, Toaster Club, of which he is the sole member.

“I just felt like the Bicker process wasn’t exclusive enough,” Olaf said. “This way, I can ensure that the Bicker process does what it’s always been intended to do: make people feel bad.”

Olaf has stated that the name has no relation to the kitchen appliance, and is in fact named after his grandfather, Hubert J. Toaster.

Students that bicker Toaster Club will go through weeks of lunches and social gatherings and, after great amounts of deliberation, the officers of the club will refuse all bickerees.

“I have to ensure that members of the club all have the right social fit to participate,” Olaf said.

The founding president of Toaster Club is Jim Olaf ’19.

The founding vice president is Jim Olaf ’19, and the founding treasurer is Jim Olaf ’19.

The Toaster Club declined to give its membership and acceptance numbers. However, through the diligent work of a Daily Princetonian columnist, our paper can now report that the club is composed of 100 percent men, zero percent STEM majors, and, most shockingly, has an acceptance rate of zero percent.

Students have called out Toaster Club for its lack of diversity.

“Diversity is a founding See TOASTER CLUB page 4

recognizes achievement of U. men

By Claire Thornton Head News Editor

CHARLOTTE ADAMO :: THE DAILY PRINCETONIAN

A 23andMe.com test revealed that Virk’s uncle is 0.03 percent Russian.

By Zack Shevin Contributor

A flyer for the Zarnab Virk ’20 Undergraduate Student Government (USG) presidential campaign was found translated into Russian and lying on the floor of the Slavic languages and literatures department, causing campus officials to speculate about possible collusion.

According to Fyootur Intel-Recroot ’20, the Slavic languages and literatures major who stumbled upon the flyer, the campaign ad reads, “Голосование за Зарнаб - это голос за Кремль,” which roughly translates to, “A vote for Zarnab is a vote for the Kremlin.”

Additionally, receipts submitted to USG by Virk’s campaign show multiple third-party payments in Russian rubles.

These receipts include payment for pro-Virk advertisements that

flooded Tigerbook in the days leading up to the election.

“When I saw that a third party purchased multiple online ads for Zarnab in rubles, I thought it was a bit unusual, but we’ve definitely seen stranger,” USG treasurer Ran Unaposed ’20 said. “Last year, for example, Rachel Yee ’19 paid for most of her posters with a mixture of Dogecoin, Bitconnect, and Ethereum.”

“For whatever reason, USG presidential candidates have a history of avoiding U.S. currency,” she said.

Of course, Virk was not the only controversial candidate in this presidential election. Nate Lambert ’20 has been accused of conducting USG business on a nonUniversity email account during his time as vice president. However, he has repeatedly defended See VIRK page 4

Last Friday, the University held its first ever “He Bellows” conference celebrating male domination in fields like politics, technology, and the military. Notable alumni guests included U.S. Senator Ted Cruz (R) ’92, Google’s Eric Schmidt ’76, and former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld ’54.

“There was never a men’s liberation movement,” said keynote speaker and alumnus Nee Anderthal. “So we need to be organizing and forging the rights other groups have earned.”

Anderthal graduated from the University with a degree in philosophy.

On Friday, a mediocre crowd of alumni and students filled Prospect House to discuss men’s issues over veal and bluefin tuna filets.

Topics of conversation included the appropriate figure for Google’s exit package payments and schemes for See HE BELLOWS page 4

ACADEMICS

Student secures most travel funding ever for single independent project

By Claire Thornton Head News Editor

Yur Jellus, a sophomore from Lawrenceville, N.J., broke the record for the greatest amount of travel funding for a single independent research project at the University. This summer, the Wilson School concentrator will travel to the dark side of the moon, the

bottom of the Pacific Ocean’s Mariana Trench, and the geographic center of Antarctica as part of his academic exploration of “diplomacy through solitude.”

Jellus successfully secured funding from his academic department, the Office of International Programs, the Office of Religious Life, the Dean’s Fund, the Dale Award, and the

Keller Center. The previous record-holder for the greatest amount of funding is senior Trie Harrd, from Palo Alto, Calif. She only secured funding from five-and-a-half sources.

Jellus said he crafted research proposals after calculating which travel destinations would generate the maximum amount of funding.

See FUNDING page 5

In Opinion

Today on Campus

Contributing Columnist Braden Flax suggests a new punishment for Honor Code violations and guest contributor Charles Watt argues to abolish sign-in eating clubs. PAGE 6

Noon to midnight: Students panic, occasionally cry as they realize Dean’s Date is steadily approaching.

Firestone Library

WEATHER

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HIGH

LOW

212˚ -273˚ Cloudy chance of meatballs

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Wednesday January 9, 2019

U . A F FA I R S

Mother of Freshman 15-gainer sues Campus Dining

By Marie-Rose Sheinerman Contributor

Sue Talot, mother of a first-year student, filed a lawsuit against the University Campus Dining on Tuesday, claiming the service of “late meal” inf licted irreparable damage on her

daughter, Ella Talot ’22.

“When she came home for winter break, I could barely recognize her. She had gained 20 pounds, and in all the worst areas,” Sue Talot said in a phone interview with The Daily Princetonian.

Tracing the weight gain

COURTESY OF PEXELS.COM

A first-year student’s mother is suing the University for providing her daughter with easy access to foods with high calorie contents.

to late meal was no small feat of investigative prowess on Sue Talot’s part. The evidence, of course, lay with the tired adage “follow the money.”

Records of E. Talot’s University bill were made public by the county clerk’s office, revealing that in addition to the egregious daily consumption of late meal fried edamame dumplings, the first-year had made a $14 purchase of chicken tenders on Friday, Oct. 26, at 2:36 a.m.

Sue Talot was outraged by this late-night snacking (the one and only danger she had advised her daughter to avoid as she entered higher education!), but even more so by her subsequent discoveries.

“How can Princeton so irresponsibly allow our beautiful girls to gorge on waff les, pizza, quesadillas, and worst of all … non-Diet Coke?!” she asked.

The plaintiff explained that as much as she faults her daughter for abandoning the summer “motherdaughter” diet in which she was forced to partici-

pate, the blame truly lies with the University.

She even projected this may not be her last legal battle with the University.

“You know, I may just file a second lawsuit,” Sue Talot said. “How could Housing and Real Estate Services place her in 1937 Hall, knowing how close it is to Frist Campus Center?”

Several mothers of female undergraduates in Forbes College are currently drafting a class action lawsuit of a similar nature, according to Forbesian Anne Nex ’22.

“My mom keeps telling me I ‘simply live too close to the Wa’ to live a healthy lifestyle, and when I told her I didn’t choose where I live, she decided to take matters into her own hands,” Nex said.

One of Sue Talot’s personal heroes, Susan Patton, known colloquially as the Princeton Mom, tweeted: “Way to go @karen_goodvibesonly! I wish Carrie luck in finding the perfect Princetonian!”

The tweet was followed by a kissy emoji.

According to sources close to E. Talot, who declined to comment, her mother has been pressuring her to pursue a socalled “MRS degree” since the day she was accepted to the University.

Lola Verbaring, one parent involved in the Forbes class action suit, sent the following email statement to the ‘Prince’: “Our daughters may not realize it now, but any good mother knows that now is the prime time for her to meet her future husband.

But sadly, with all these Wawas and late meals and free food, the prospect of attracting one grows dimmer and dimmer. Something must be done!”

If nothing else, Sue Talot explained, she hopes the lawsuit will allow her to gain back the household income lost by her daughter’s inability to acquire a wealthy husband.

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ON CAMPUS

Bat séance planned after students sense creature’s aura

By Claire Silberman Contributor

The bat that invaded Frist Campus Center earlier this semester returned to campus on New Year’s Day to haunt undergraduates preparing for finals. Students reported sensing the bat’s aura upon returning to campus for reading week, especially in and around the McGraw Center for Teaching and Learning on the third f loor of Frist. Following numerous requests, Undergraduate Student Gov-

ernment has agreed to host a séance on Thursday night for students who wish to venerate the bat in exchange for good luck on their exams.

Witchee Chick ’19 was not on campus to see the bat, but noted that she “felt it emotionally.”

“It revealed to me not only how to finish my thesis but also universal truth about the human condition and origin of life as we know it,” Chick said.

Connection to the bat varied by student.

Some reported seeing the lights f licker, while others noted gusts of cool air coming from quite assuredly closed windows.

“I was drafting my Dean’s Date paper when I stopped mid sentence and it hit me — metaphysically speaking,” Salem Sistor ’22 said.

“It was pretty weird. My Spotify cut out and my computer took me to the Wikipedia page for bats.”

The sheer number of students claiming to feel a bat-like presence drove USG Student Séance Coordinator

Gost Hunter ’20 to action.

“The University has been incredibly generous in supporting our spiritual awakening,” Hunter said. “I’m thrilled to announce that we secured the funding to provide each student with their own personal Ouija Board!”

With demand skyrocketing according to the Facebook event, “Hail The Bat or Fail All Your Finals, Drop Out, and Die Alone” the University has decided to move the séance from the basement of Frist to Cannon Green, where students will pay homage to their bat via 40-foot tall papier-mâché shrine.

On Twitter, Grady Def lashun ’21 considered offering up a blood sacrifice to the

chiropteran idol.

“Lol just in case it’s one of those thirsty vampire bois idk,” he wrote.

In response to Def lashun’s concerning tweet, Hunter decided to plan a Safe Séances workshop prior to Thursday’s event to teach students the proper way to commune with bat ghosts.

“We’ve already come so far,” Hunter said. “I didn’t teach myself echolocation and follow the bat diet for a week just to have my séance go up in smoke last minute because some idiot won’t do his blood sacrifices on his own time.”

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Senior Witchee Chick was not on campus to see the bat, but noted that she “felt it emotionally.”

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Wednesday January 9, 2019

Prentice proposes $1.3 B plan for fencing, walls BORDER Continued from page 1

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in the regular decision cycle.”

However, a compromise may be in sight.

University Provost Deborah Prentice has proposed a cheaper campus security plan.

Prentice’s $1.3 billion plan will allow partial wall and fencing in “particularly troubled areas” of campus.

Specifically, her plan includes barbed wire fences surrounding

the skate park formerly known as the Fountain of Freedom and an electric fence along the pervert-infested towpath.

“You don’t see any surgicalmasked fiends out in front of Nassau Hall, but I agree that some areas may need increased border security. Hopefully we can figure this out and get University employees working again,” Prentice said.

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Boi: How do I purchase a computer on Amazon if I don’t have a computer?

BEZOS

Continued from page 1

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University officials say the policy also means independent students have increased access to food and cooking ingredients, because they don’t have to make shopping trips.

But independent students said the policy means they lack access to fresh foods like fruit and vegetables.

“Independent students have historically suffered at the University,” Eisgruber said.

“Overall increased access to food is a huge step in the right direction.”

The new residential college is on the opposite side of Lake Carnegie, meaning that independent students never have to come to the main campus, except for classes.

“Residential colleges foster such natural community,” Eisgruber said. “The new Bezos College is undoubtedly a tightknit group, because of the nature of residential life.”

But Bezos students reported a number of serious problems.

Forty-five percent of deliveries are made by drones which arrive outside students’ windows in the middle of the night.

“Because of standard facilities safety rules, I can’t fully open my window, so I can’t access my packages of food,” senior Hee Diserves-Better said.

First-year Bezos students fare even worse, because they arrive to campus with minimal belongings and therefore must make many more purchases through Amazon.

“How do I buy a computer on Amazon if I don’t have a computer?” freshman Ainkshus Boi said.

He also described how, when he ordered scissors on Amazon, he couldn’t open the box because he needed scissors.

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Wednesday January 9, 2019

Virk’s cousin’s teacher’s nephew Babbel: #MeToo is not a bred horse Putin rode in 2017 pro-women movement VIRK

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those actions.

“It’s impossible to conduct USG business with the number of emails in my inbox,” Lambert said. “I get about 20 emails per minute from the Re-INNformer.

With a separate, personal address, I can hear from my constituents without sifting through multiple pages of performance invitations, internship deadlines, and requests to share an Uber to the airport.”

Virk’s personal connections to Russian president Vladimir V. Putin, however, are undeniable.

According to multiple sources, who have chosen to remain anonymous, Virk’s second cousin’s fourth grade teacher’s nephew bred the horse that Putin famously rode shirtless during a 2017 vacation to Serbia.

Also, as some students may point out, the spellings of “Zarnab

Virk” and “Vladimir Putin” are eerily similar.

If you take the letters in “Zarnab Virk,” rearrange them, remove the z, b, k, a, and r, and add an l, d, m, p, u, t, and two I’s you can spell “Vladimir Putin.”

Though many consider this coincidental, some consider it worth looking into.

Additionally, according to secure documentation obtained from 23andMe.com, Virk’s uncle is 0.03 percent Russian. Some have construed this data as reason for Virk’s possible loyalty to the Kremlin.

Virk has taken to Twitter in recent days, calling the allegations against her “A TOTAL WITCH HUNT LIKE NO OTHER IN UNIVERSITY HISTORY.” Virk has also called out The Daily Princetonian for what she views as “constant negative press covfefe” of her campaign.

The American Whig-Cliosophic Society has scheduled a hearing on

the matter.

However, due to reasons not disclosed to the ‘Prince,’ WhigClio leaders decided last minute to not allow Virk to speak. Several of Virk’s accusers are scheduled to address students, followed by an audience Q&A. “Due to the urgency of this matter, we felt the need to schedule a hearing immediately,” wrote Whig-Clio co-president Powdury Harepeece ’21 in an email to the ‘Prince.’

“Sadly, due to a scheduling mishap, we will be forced to cancel a conflicting free speech event, which was to feature University professor Keith Whittington and University of Pennsylvania professor Amy Wax. We apologize to both of them for the inconvenience and hope to reschedule soon.”

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principal of this University,” Concerned Student ’20 said.

“Princeton has a long and sto-

COURTESY OF WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

Cutline goes here for photo. Cutline goes here for photo. Cutline

ried history of being diverse and inclusive, and the Toaster Club stands in defiance of that rich tradition.”

To Olaf, the issues of diversity are of little concern.

He explained that the lack of diversity can simply be explained by the fact that people tend to gravitate toward eating clubs with members similar to themselves.

“When you think about it, I’m a lot like me,” Olaf said. “I like to think I get along.”

The presidents of Cannon Dial Elm Club, Cap & Gown Club, Charter Club, Cloister Inn, Colonial Club, Cottage Club, Ivy Club, Quadrangle Club, Terrace Club, Tiger Inn, and Tower Club all declined to comment.

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Players will hone skills by sweeping up Henry courtyard after Sunday Funday CURLING Continued from page 1

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the team. Practices will be held in April, where players will hone their skills by sweeping up the courtyard of Henry Hall after Sunday Funday pregames.

The curling coach is certainly confident that numbers will be high during the walk-on season. “Curlers are some of the sexiest athletes in the world. Simply put, curling gets you laid.”

Princeton students seem to agree. In a recent poll conducted by USG, 97 percent of students find curlers attractive, citing luscious dad bods, bushy mustaches, and athleticism unmatched by the other teams on campus. Unsurprisingly, the eating clubs have

been vigorously fighting to gain the curling affiliation. Unconfirmed sources believe Cap & Gown Club is in the early lead, as the soon-to-be added Cox Wing is believed to be a sanctuary for curlers, including fridges filled with canned beer.

One thing that has not been agreed upon yet is the location of new practice facilities. However, it is widely believed that whatever space remains on campus will be used for this.

That does not bode well for teams looking for a home, especially those across the river. To plan for the loss of real estate, the University has agreed to terms on a plot of land — a parking lot of an abandoned mechanic shop across Route 1 — where the Ultimate fris-

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how to reverse reproductive rights in the courts.

“We need to protect the values of the men who wrote the Constitution,” Cruz ’92 said.

One conference attendee spoke up about issues men and women face together.

“People will tell you relationships are about showing the other person that you love them,” alumnus Al Tooreal said. “But no one talks about how relationships work for men who are hateful toward

the women in their lives.”

Another “He Bellows” conference attendee was a female undergraduate student.

Cliosophic Party Chair and current junior Abigail Babbel said she wanted to learn more about what #MeToo can learn from men.

“The movement isn’t a prowomen movement,” Babbel told The Daily Princetonian.

“Nothing that labels women as victims can be positive for women.”

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Student: Toaster Club stands in defiance of tradition of diversity TOASTER CLUB

HE BELLOWS

bee teams will practice and play home tournaments.

Not to be outdone, the men’s and women’s rugby teams have coordinated to play all their matches in foreign countries.

Time will tell whether or not the team is successful, but early returns are promising, and others are taking notice. One other Ivy League president who wished to remain anonymous noted, “Princeton has taken the initiative and done what we all were afraid to do. Once again, the school shows the world why it is number one in literally everything.”

CHARLOTTE ADAMO :: THE DAILY PRINCETONIAN

“He Bellows” attendees discussed the appropriate figure for Google’s exit package payments and schemes for how to reverse reproductive rights in the courts.

Fake news.

Opinions.

Sports.

Every day.

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work for a somewhat respected news source on campus.

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The Daily Princetonian

page 5

Jellus ’21: Princeton taught me to survive without human warmth FUNDING Continued from page 1

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“I was inspired to take on such an ambitious project only after I saw how many financial resources Princeton has to offer,” Jellus told The Daily Princetonian.

“Clicking around on SAFE is just such a great form of procrastination,” he said. “I can avoid engaging with challenging academic ideas, while finding easy ways to make me feel better about myself compared to my peers.”

Jellus spent first-year breaks conducting field research in Greenland. He said his passions there included environmental whispering and meditation.

Jellus’ academic adviser, Wilson School professor Washid Up said Jellus is one of the best students she has ever encountered at the University.

“He’s truly remarkable,” Up said. “I’ve never seen a student accomplish so much by doing so little.”

“I hope to one day make an impact in the world of diplomacy by staying quiet on a number of important issues,” Jellus said. “Human contact is so 19th century.”

When asked if he ever gets lonely while traveling, Jellus said no.

“Princeton taught me how to survive without human warmth,” he said.

Students reported experiencing drops in self-esteem when they encountered Jellus’ posts on Instagram.

“I mean, I like his posts because he likes mine,” fellow sophomore Worldi Gurl said.

“But I die a little inside after double-tapping and seeing the heart briefly flash on-screen.”

Gurl said she plans to fill the void inside of her by studying abroad in Paris with the Uni-

versity’s anthropology department her junior spring.

Other students said they didn’t know how to react to Jellus’ long email updates.

“I don’t really want to read the whole thing and I definitely don’t want to respond,” Jellus’ friend Endiffer Int Engenerre said. “I just look at the photos.”

On campus, Jellus can often be found studying in the tree house of Lewis Library.

He’s receiving certificates in Values and Public Life, Environmental Studies, and harp performance.

Jellus is a member of Cap & Gown Club, volunteers with the PACE Center’s Big Sibs program, and works as a SHARE peer.

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Yur Jellus ’21 said he was inspired to conduct research only after seeing the many tantalizing funding sources on SAFE.

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A more honorable Honor Code Braden Flax

Contributing Columnist

R

ecently, there have been objections raised to the punitive structure of the Honor Code of our grand institution. Critics contend that punishment is not only rigid and often excessive, but also is antithetical to the spirit of the code.

This is criminally wrong.

To dispute punishment is to misunderstand the incentive structure of the code, and to mock the cherished concept of honor, which is best expressed in the coming together of the community for the sake of humiliating those who stray from the path. Along with other social justice orthodoxies of its ilk, this pathological proposition cuts at the very heart of our way of life. An example must be made of these

advocates, and those whom they seek to defend. (Clearly, by the way, only cheaters or impending cheaters would be the least bit skeptical of the Honor Code, which no true intellectual would dare to question.) To this noble and necessary end, I propose that all future Honor Code skeptics be sent directly to Yale. Execution is to be reserved only for those who express sufficient remorse.

It is in defense of civilization that this proposal is enacted. That the suffering of those we find to be in error accompanies the adoption of this policy, however joyfully we ruminate upon it, is decidedly secondary to the necessity of protecting the integrity of our regime. Or is it? If you wish to express an opinion, be sure to cite everyone who goes before you, or ... off with your head! (For those who remain obstinate, this mercy will be denied, and the Triangle Club bus will be prepared to transport you directly to New Haven, bitch!)

We’ve also decided that mistakes will be categorically banned, without exceptions.

Blunders of all sorts will be punished in a uniform manner. Namely, the hands and feet of the perpetrator will be promptly and crudely removed. This is, in essence, a courtesy; we deny them the means to continue making such inexcusable (or excusable, by your d**n snowflake standards, it doesn’t really matter) catastrophes. Don’t trouble yourself to learn about the investigative practices of our agencies, since we’ll take care of everything. It’s not like you have any choice in the matter.

It is in all of our natures to be deceptive, dishonest frauds. This is why we need a robust system of checks (no balances though, that’s for wimps!) No, it’s high time that the undergraduate population at Princeton University be brought to heel. When mistakes are made, the offending students will be relieved of their possessors. Cheating

and dissent should be greeted with mandatory transport to Yale University; only favorites will be embraced by the comparatively warm, protectively soothing arms of a swift death.

Recent science shows that people operate maximally when they exist in a state of insecurity. Potential energy can be directed in one of two ways: to success, with the ever-present fear of failure and disgrace, or to absolute, unarguable termination. Time to make that potential manifest in a group of constantly active students. To remain in motion perpetually is risky, but watching each step is better than stasis and descent from the grace and esteem of academic status.

Braden Flax is a sophomore from Merrick, N.Y. He can be reached at bflax@princeton.edu.

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vol. cxlii

editor-in-chief

Marcia Brown ’19 business manager

Ryan Gizzie ’19

BOARD OF TRUSTEES president Thomas E. Weber ’89 vice president Craig Bloom ’88 secretary Betsy L. Minkin ’77 treasurer Douglas J. Widmann ’90 trustees Francesca Barber David Baumgarten ’06 Kathleen Crown Gabriel Debenedetti ’12 Stephen Fuzesi ’00 Zachary A. Goldfarb ’05 Michael Grabell ’03 John Horan ’74 Joshua Katz Rick Klein ’98 James T. MacGregor ’66 Alexia Quadrani Marcelo Rochabrun ’15 Kavita Saini ’09 Richard W. Thaler, Jr. ’73 Abigail Williams ’14 trustees emeriti Gregory L. Diskant ’70 William R. Elfers ’71 Kathleen Kiely ’77 Jerry Raymond ’73 Michael E. Seger ’71 Annalyn Swan ’73 trustees ex officio Marcia Brown ’19 Ryan Gizzie ’19

142ND MANAGING BOARD managing editors Isabel Hsu ’19 Sam Parsons ’19 TASHI TREADWAY

Abolish sign-in clubs Charles Watt

Guest Contributor

S

ign-in clubs are antithetical to the implicit, unstated goals of the University. In order to prepare students for the harsh, demanding social climbing that they will need to do to reach the pinnacle of their money-grubbing careers and donate vast sums to the University, it is essential that they experience isolating social behavior at an early stage.

The vast majority of us claim to be “sell-outs” or “obsequious snakes” or “selfish parasites” or “power-hungry sycophants” yet, last February, ONLY 74 percent of the Great Class of 2020 sold their souls to an inherently illiberal, exclusionary, and elitist system by bickering at least one of the five selective eating clubs (Cannon Dial Elm Club, University Cottage Club, Ivy Club, Tiger Inn, or Tower Club). The other 26 percent failed to recognize the benefits of being forced to be social within a toxic, shallow milieu.

In light of this failing, we are forced to conclude that there is no moral, ethical, or intellectual justification for signing in. While this may appear obvious to the 74 percent of us who chose wisely, in the service of our nation, it is important that we be benevolent and educate those poor souls who are blind to the truth.

The failings of the sign-in

system are abundant. With limited space in this article, we shall address only the most egregious faults.

Most heinously, the sign-in process allows sophomores to maintain their individuality and self-esteem. Unlike the formative Bicker process, which mandates and enforces a limited repertoire of social behavior, sign-in provides adequate space for creative expression and acceptance. Indubitably, those who undergo the sign-in process emerge still clinging to their naïve optimism and hope for a kinder world, which only serves to hurt their future earning potential.

On a more concrete note, rather than establishing social groups that are rigid, unyielding, and uniform in nature, sign-in clubs allow students from all socioeconomic classes to mingle freely during meals and social events. These sorts of interactions, while commended publicly by the University, are fundamentally counterproductive to the future career aspirations of these students. In the world at large, Princeton graduates mingle only with individuals who will increase their social and economic capital. From a free market perspective, to do otherwise would fail to maximize their personal utility. Evidently, every “social” interaction must serve to enhance the bottom line of their future earnings.

Look to the clear benefits of Bicker, however, and

you will find exponentially different outcomes. Having your social worth calculated and displayed will only serve to benefit you as you pursue others within your social stratum. Otherwise, how would you know who will accept you as a “friend?” Knowing, as you do, that your worth is solely dependent upon the quality of the “social” circles that you belong to, the value of selectively defending the purity of such circles is obvious.

The value of Bicker to upperclassmen is no less important. The stimulation resulting from a late-night discussion of sophomores’ superficial qualities provides invaluable experience in making baseless snap judgements on people’s worth. In addition, the process of Bicker provides essential practice at developing a protective emotional barrier to prevent personal connections from conflicting with future efficient market solutions. An individual’s skill at emotionally-detached hosing is indicative of their future ability to dissolve unprofitable companies that are weighing down the performance of their private equity portfolios.

However, the banal signin clubs are not entirely doomed. A simple resolution would be the immediate abolishment of the “open” nature of sign-in clubs. The impetuous eagerness of the University to cater to narrow-minded “pro-

gressive” ideals will make this difficult, but we need not lose hope. Given that the University ethos fundamentally align with the selective Bicker clubs, this preposterous sign-in process cannot last.

In conclusion, we are not insinuating that all members of sign-in clubs are morally feckless, pusillanimous plebeians. A few of them have simply made a poor decision that will irrevocably “hose” their future careers. A select few of them are even aware of their depravity. To quote Mr. Sar C. Asam, a senior member of a sign-in club: “sign-in clubs are like participation medals. They prioritize diversity — a priceless value, in that it has zero economic worth.”

Students — and, to some extent, alumni — have absolute, independent control over whether or not sign-in clubs exist. We could abolish this philistine system tomorrow if we wanted to, but we, time and time again, choose to do nothing.

Charles Watt is a prefrosh intern at Goldman Sachs.

Charles can be reached for questions at FBDB@princeton. edu. This article was heavily inspired by a similar article

by Samuel Aftel.

head news editor Claire Thornton ’19 associate news editors Allie Spensley ’20 Ariel Chen ’20 Ivy Truong ’21 associate news and film editor Sarah Warman Hirschfield ’20 head opinion editor Emily Erdos ’19 associate opinion editors Jon Ort ’21 Cy Watsky ’21 head sports editors David Xin ’19 Chris Murphy ’20 associate sports editors Miranda Hasty ’19 Jack Graham ’20 associate street editors Danielle Hoffman ’20 Lyric Perot ’20 digital operations manager Sarah Bowen ’20 chief copy editors Marina Latif ’19 Arthur Mateos ’19 Catherine Benedict ’20 head design editor Rachel Brill ’19 associate design editor Charlotte Adamo ’21 cartoons editor Tashi Treadway ’19 head photo editor Risa Gelles-Watnick ’21

NIGHT STAFF copy Wells Carson ’22 Helena Tenev ’19 Olivia Meyers ’21 Jade Olurin ’21 Claire Silberman ’22 Emma Treadway ’22

Editor’s Note: This piece is satire. The real Charles Watt is a senior Chemical and Biological Engineering major from Acton, Mass. He can be reached at cwatt@ princeton.edu. This article was previously published November 28, 2018.

The Daily Princetonian is published daily except Saturday and Sunday from September through May and three times a week during January and May by The Daily Princetonian Publishing Company, Inc., 48 University Place, Princeton, N.J. 08540. Mailing address: P.O. Box 469, Princeton, N.J. 08542. Subscription rates: Mailed in the United States $175.00 per year, $90.00 per semester. Office hours: Sunday through Friday, 1:30 p.m. to 4:30 p.m. Telephones: Business: 609-375-8553; News and Editorial: 609-258-3632. For tips, email news@dailyprincetonian.com. Reproduction of any material in this newspaper without expressed permission of The Daily Princetonian Publishing Company, Inc., is strictly prohibited. Copyright 2014, The Daily Princetonian Publishing Company, Inc. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to The Daily Princetonian, P.O. Box 469, Princeton, N.J. 08542.

Opinion

Wednesday January 9, 2019

page 7

{ www.dailyprincetonian.com }

I support the Tigertones Men’s March

The author was granted anonymity due to his kinda rational fear of being murdered by radical feminists.

C

iting the group’s endurance of heavy criticism after a column in The Daily Princetonian decried its sexist performance of “Kiss The Girl,” Tigertones a cappella members released a statement on Tuesday announcing their plan to organize a “Men’s March,” which

will take place on campus this Saturday at 9 a.m.

Marchers will travel through the entire campus and start and conclude on the front lawn of Cottage Club, which, according to the Tones, “has generously offered to do what it can to stand up for men who have been left behind and dehumanized at the University — and more broadly, across the United States and planet Earth, and maybe even

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across other planets, like Mars and Jupiter.”

According to the statement, the march is meant to “cultivate solidarity among University men who feel relentlessly oppressed by totalitarian feminism and the due-process-hating #MeToo movement.”

I wholeheartedly support the Tones’ effort to push back against our female supremacist culture’s dehumanization of the redblooded American male.

Sexism against males at the University has become so extreme that now men are lambasted by University women for using decidedly benign language in side conversations during lecture.

Reportedly, in McCosh 50, male Princetonians were unfairly chastised for using intellectually stimulating terms like “small d**k energy,” “big d**k energy,” and “average-to-on ly-sl ight lybelow-average d**k energy.”

Likewise, men have been increasingly marginalized for their room decor. Public Safety Officers confiscated a “Saturdays Are for the Boys” f lag from a quad in Foulke Hall.

Beyond dorm policing, other heinous forms of intersectional, systematic oppression of men abound, such as: receiving mean looks from the women they drunkenly catcall on the Street, receiving even meaner looks from women when they urinate on the steps of the Wilson School after a long night out, and being asked to let female classmates speak in precept for at least 15 seconds before

interrupting them.

My fellow male classmates and — starting Saturday — comrades share the Tones’ and my sentiment.

The University has even firewalled most pornography sites. What a disgrace!

A sophomore male who plans to march told me during a recent men’s rights meeting at Dillon Gymnasium, “I’m marching because I feel judged for f lexing in the gym. Everyone is just so male-negative these days.

And yes, my parents did teach me that it’s not polite to take mirror selfies in the gym.”

He certainly has a point.

A University senior, who self-identifies as not a man but rather “The Man,” “The King,” or simply “God,” told me, “I’m marching on Saturday because I just want to go back to a time when men were, you know, men. Now we’re pressured to be emotionally intelligent, empathetic, and fundamentally decent human beings. It’s just sickening and cruel.”

The march has also attracted other Ivy League men frustrated by this epidemic of male maltreatment.

Joe, who will be making the trip down from New Haven this weekend, told me: “I’m marching with my fellow brutalized Ivy League men because the #MeToo movement is completely out of control. Whatever happened to due process, or the presumption of innocence, or forgiveness, or the First Amendment, or the Second Amendment, or the Third Amendment, or the Eighty-Seventh Amendment

— that’s right, they’re now going after the Eighty-Seventh Amendment! Can you believe that?”

He then went on to scream, “I WENT TO YALE! I GOT INTO YALE COLLEGE, GOT INTO YALE LAW SCHOOL. WORKED MY TAIL OFF TO GET HERE!” In fact, Joe is only a firstyear undergraduate at Yale — and is likely going to drop out next semester — but the eloquent, inspirational essence of his statement holds.

Luckily, the University’s administration seems supportive of the march.

However, the Office of Communications told me the University was surely a bit concerned about the march for “security reasons and such,” and that it was considering forming a committee to determine if another committee should be formed to examine if the march should be allowed to proceed.

The Office of Communications added that this committee process will likely take “no more than two or three decades to sort out this complicated issue for our diverse campus community.”

All in all, on Saturday University men will finally have a space to rejoice in toxically masculine solidarity and come out of the closet against the feminist movement.

Let’s make America male again!

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Don’t believe everything you read!

how to attract international students adam wickham ’22 ..................................................

Balls!!! Write for the sports section!

Email: join@dailyprincetonian.com

Wednesday January 9, 2019

Sports

page 8

{ www.dailyprincetonian.com } SPORTS

New bonfire policy requires all 37 varsity teams to beat Harvard, Yale

By Jack Graham

Associate Sports Editor

In response to concerns that the University’s bonfire tradition prioritized the success of the football team over other athletic teams, the University has enacted a new policy. In order to celebrate a bonfire, all varsity athletic teams will need to beat Harvard and Yale in the same year.

“We are extremely excited to announce our new bonfire policy,” said a University statement released Tuesday. “The new rules allow us to maintain a historic University tradition while continuing to strive toward our institutional ideals of inclusivity and equality.”

The University’s most recent bonfire came in 2018, after the football team beat Harvard 29–21 and Yale 59–43. Head football coach Bob Surace ’90, who coached his team to an undefeated season in 2018, said he did not have a problem with the new policy.

“We feel like it gives the campus community a chance to celebrate the achievements of all the University’s fantastic athletes,” he said. “Besides, what’s so hard about, like, not losing?”

Some have expressed concern that such lofty conditions to earn a bonfire will effectively eliminate the practice. The Daily Princetonian’s thorough historical investigation did not yield a single instance of a year in which every varsity team went undefeated against Harvard and Yale.

The University statement anticipated this issue.

“Some may worry that our new policy makes achieving a bonfire impossible,” it read.

“But we do these things not because they are easy, but because they are hard. Also, consistently beating teams from mediocre institutions like Harvard and Yale shouldn’t be that much of a challenge for our student athletes.”

Others worried that the new policy would further extend the

already long bonfire ceremony.

“If I had to listen to 37 different teams talk, I would probably just stay in the library working on my problem sets,” said one concerned student, who wished to remain anonymous for fear

of repercussion from the University deep state.

Immediately following the announcement, uncertainties remain with the policy. For example, would teams that play Harvard and Yale multiple

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A University statement said that the new rule was a step toward inclusivity and equality.

times a year have to go undefeated against them or merely beat them each once?

“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it,” said director of athletics Mollie Marcoux Samaan ’91.

The new policy also seems to have created a stir for some in the University’s club sports community, who have expressed resentment at their own exclusion from the bonfire tradition.

“Our sport has been disrespected for too long,” said Michael Li ’20, an officer for the Princeton club archery team.

“The bonfire shouldn’t happen unless we outshoot Harvard and Yale.”

Li is a former staff copy editor for the ‘Prince,’ who quit because he was unable to handle the daily grind of the copy editing schedule.

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue.

Don’t believe everything you read !

MEN’S CURLING

Princeton athletics making ‘sweeping’ changes, adds men’s curling for 2019

By Chris Murphy

Head Sports Editor

Just days into the new year, the University made a huge splash in the news.

This time, the athletic department took center stage. Princeton Athletics announced the official addition of men’s curling to its D1 repertoire. Making into reality what was joked about just a year ago, the University has pulled the trigger on the new team, hoping to capitalize on the interest drawn to the sport from the 2018 PyeongChang Winter Olympics. The addition brings the total number of Tiger teams to 36.

With 19 men’s teams com-

pared to 17 women’s teams, the University also fulfills its goal of bending Title IX requirements as far as possible without being investigated by the NCAA. “We are so thrilled to welcome the men’s curling team into the tradition of excellence that is Princeton Athletics,” the University said in an unofficial press release. “We believe this team will not only bring more success to the school but also tap into such a diverse community of athletes that our peer institutions too often overlooked.

Perhaps most importantly, we believe curling does an incredible job of teaching our student athletes how

to succeed in life beyond Princeton as street sweepers and in shuff leboard leagues everywhere. We think curling truly embodies ‘Education Through Athletics.’”

The team will begin competitive play in the winter of 2020, though preparation for the inaugural season has already begun. Looking to be competitive from the onset, the University has received a grant of $100 million from Amazon chief executive officer Jeff Bezos ’86, who was kind enough to donate 0.000001 percent of his Amazon Prime Day earnings to kickstart the curling endowment in exchange for every build-

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In a press release, the University said, “We think curling truly embodies ‘Education Through Athletics.’”

ing east of Forbes College to be renamed in his honor. Per the University’s comprehensive budget, the administration plans to take all of this money, add it to the endowment where it will never be seen again, and instead divert 82 percent of the current club sports budget to pay for the new program. It is currently unclear what the team will need all of that money for, but rest assured 27 new committees will be formed to ensure it is allocated properly.

Beyond the extensive endowment addition, the University has already begun aggressive planning for the new program. The University has announced all curling events will be held in Hobey Baker Rink on Friday and Saturday evenings. To compensate, hockey games will now take place Tuesdays at 3 a.m., and open skate night will be held in the middle of July. Furthermore, the program has already hired a new coach, who wished to remain anonymous as to avoid too much popularity on campus.

“I’m honored to be chosen as Princeton’s first curling coach,” the coach said when speaking to ‘Prince’ reporters. “Curling is the pinnacle of American athletic achievement. I can’t think of a sport that is more physically and mentally demanding than curling, and I can’t think of a person more physically or mentally gifted than me.

It’s a match made in heaven, and I cannot wait to get started.”

Additionally, to better connect with the local

community, the University launched a campaign for local businesses to sponsor the team. However, the sole respondent was the chief executive officer of Swiffer.

The company quickly became the official sponsor of the team. With the deal, curling becomes the first Princeton varsity team to be sponsored by a company and the second team overall, behind Wawa United.

The University announced the first joint adventure for the partnership would be to design the sweepers used in competitive play. Unconfirmed inside sources have disclosed the sweepers look like customized Swiffers with the same orange plaid look used on Reunions jackets. Of course, the name “Swiffer” will be prominently displayed on the sweeper, as well as on the chest, sleeve, and nameplate of the players’ jerseys.

All of this has been done with the hope of drumming up a strong inaugural class of curlers. The University will sport a full team starting fall 2020, made up of recruits and walk-ons.

To bring in senior talent, the Tigers plan to use every transfer student spot to bring in renowned curlers from other colleges. Additionally, the added emphasis on recruiting will make the Class of 2024 “the most impressive recruiting class we have ever seen.” However, administrators in Nassau Hall want to reassure alumni that “no changes to legacy admission numbers will occur.” Finally, the spring will feature a period where walk-ons can begin practicing with See CURLING page 4

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