Issue 9 Spring 2022
HERE LIES MY MENTAL HEALTH
l ationa Gener a: Traum ng Breaki n ai the Ch
The Journey Through and the road to recovery
From Pet to Thera pi How D st: are Of ogs fering Suppo rt
INNOVATING FOR A DIGITAL WORLD
www.agency398.com
www.elnuevosol.net
https://sundial.csun.edu/kcsn-news-updates
www.csuntvnews.com
www.twitter.com/popupnewsroom
www.csunscene.net
https://sundial.csun.edu
www.csunvalleyview.com www.youtube.com/user/valleyviewnews
Contents
Spring 2022|Volume 62, Issue 9
2. Letter From the Editor
10. Generational Trauma
4. Through the Dark and Back Again A personal account of addiction and the journey to healing
A deeper look at toxic traits and passing burdens
14. Photo Essay Love on a Leash
8. Fact Check There’s an App for That ...Or is There?
16. Too Close For Comfort One Day at a Time: My Road to Recovery Cover illustration by William Argueta
STUDENT TECHNOLOGY RESOURCES
Canvas Check due dates and view course materials. csun.edu/it/canvas CSUN Mobile App View the 3-D campus map, enroll in classes, find parking, and more. csun.edu/it/csun-mobile-app Device Loaner Program Available for currently enrolled students at no cost. csun.edu/it/device-loaner-program LinkedIn Learning Learn business, creative and tech skills. csun.edu/it/linkedin-learning Multi-Factor Authentication Use the DUO Mobile App. It’s faster, easier to use, and more convenient. csun.edu/it/duo myCSUNbox Store your files in a collaborative space. csun.edu/it/mycsunbox Portfolium Create an ePortfolio to showcase your work. csun.edu/it/portfolium Software Resources Access software - Adobe Creative Cloud, Microsoft Office, MATLAB, and more from myCSUNsoftware. csun.edu/it/student-software Zoom Join or host a video conference. csun.edu/it/zoom
@csunhelpcenter (818)677-1400
csun.edu/it/students
LETTER FROM THE EDITOR
I
hope this finds you all doing well, happy and healthy — physically and mentally. One’s physical health is just as important as one’s mental health, as they are both connected. In a world where more importance is arguably placed on physical health than mental health, it can be easy to forget about the other. When I was 18, my mental health issues almost led to my early death. My poor mental health led to a weak and feeble body. At the age of 18, my anorexia was at its lowest point. Eight years later, here I am writing to you. I was only able to start my road of recovery once I recognized the inextricable link between my mental health to my physical health. It was in outpatient rehab that I was able to begin dealing with past traumatic experiences, allowing me to start the healing process. To my surprise, eating became easier. By taking care of my mental health, I was able to regain my physical health. In these pandemic times, we are more disconnected than ever before. There is a lot of pain and suffering in the world, but there is also beauty. There is beauty in all that is living, including in every one of us. And we all need each other. After all, the three things human beings need to survive are food, water and human connection — we simply could not survive without any one of those things. What I’m trying to say is, we all need one another. Taking care of yourself is a way of taking care of the earth. Ryanne Mena
Maia Aslaksen Michael Goldsmith Ian McKay Copy Editors Shannon Carter Editor-in-Chief
Grace Da Rocha Culture Editor
Carolyn Burt Managing Editor
William Argueta Ty Brown David Mesquita Illustrators
Michaella Huck Print Editor Mercedes Cannon-Tran Print Managing Editor Ryanne Mena Community Outreach Editor
02
Marissa Roberts News Editor Trevor Morgan Online Editor
Kaitlyn Lavo Photo Editor Jordan Puente Sports Editor Taylor Arthur Troy Barnes Ivy Jenkins Aimee Perez Staff Arvli Ward Publisher Jody Holcomb General Manager Sandra Tan Business Manager
Published by the Department of Journalism, California State University Northridge Manzanita Hall 140 18111 Nordhoff St. Northridge, CA 91330-8258 Editorial hello@sundial.csun.edu • (818) 677-2915 Advertising ads@csun.edu • (818) 677-2998
Because of high production costs, members of the CSUN community are permitted one copy per issue. Where available, additional copies may be purchased with prior approval for 50 cents each by contacting the Daily Sundial. Newspaper theft is a crime. Those who violate the single copy rule may be subject to civil and criminal prosecution and/or subject to university discipline.
Get Cash Back Back Get $200 Cash
with aa Car Car Loan from with from MCCU! MCCU!
1.74 1.74
as low as
11 %%APR APR
2 No No payment paymentdue duefor for90 90Days Days2 New/Used/Refinances New/Used/Refinanceseligible eligible Free, Free, no-hassle no-hassleCar CarBuying Buying Services available Services available Get a free quote for auto insurance3
Get a free quote for auto insurance3
ApplyatatMATADORS.ORG MATADORS.ORG or Apply or call call818.993.6328! 818.993.6328! 1 APR=Annual Rate.Rates Rates of 04/01/2022 andsubject are subject to change at any time. Must meet income APR=Annual Percentage Percentage Rate. asas of 11/01/2021 and are to change at any time. Must meet credit and credit incomeand criteria. Ratecritequoted ria. quotedrate is the a anew auto loan a 36-month term. Subject to credit approval eligibility. is Rate the preferred for preferred a new autorate loanfor with 36-month term.with Subject to credit approval and membership eligibility. and Othermembership rates and terms availOther and terms available. Monthly at 1.74% APR forata$28.53 36-month term are estimated at $28.53 per $1,000 borrowed. able. rates Monthly payments at 1.74% APR for a payments 36-month term are estimated per $1,000 borrowed. Refinancing of existing MCCU Auto Loans not eligible. Rate MCCU reflects Automatic Payment discount of .50% and Automatic Platinum Membership discount ofof.50%. may Membership apply. MemberRefinancing of existing Auto Loans not eligible. Rate reflects Payment discount .50%Restrictions and Platinum disship required. minimum required for cash back. This promotion is effectiveloan 11/1/2021 and for cancash be cancelled by the Credit Union at any count of .50%. $15,000 Restrictions mayloan apply. Membership required. $15,000 minimum required back. This promotion is effective time. Visit matadors.org more details on Credit cash back promotion. 04/01/2022 and can be for cancelled by the Union at any time. Visit matadors.org for more details on cash back promotion.
1
2
2
Interest accrues from date of funding.
3
TruStage® Auto Insurance program is offered by TruStage Insurance Agency, LLC and issued by leading insurance companies. Discounts are not
Interest accrues from date of funding.
³ TruStage® Auto Insurance program by TruStage Insurance LLC issued by insured. leading This insurance companies. available in all states and discounts varyisbyoffered state. The insurance offered is notAgency, a deposit andand is not federally coverage is not sold Disor counts are not all states and discounts vary by2021 state. The insurance offered is not a deposit and is not federally insured. This guaranteed by available your creditinunion.© TruStage Insurance Agency coverage is not sold or guaranteed by your credit union. © TruStage Insurance Agency 2022
Troy Barnes, representing his journey from coming out of the dark and overcoming addiction and noted that he wanted his picture to bring humanity to addiction that is often forgotten in the conversation.
Troy Barnes
Kait Lavo / Taylor Arthur
Through the Dark and Back Again A personal account of addiction and the journey to healing
I
never wanted to admit I had a problem. I wanted to kill my pain, not cure it. For six years, my drug use was like lighting a match in the abyss for a moment of warmth and light in the cold darkness of my mental cosmos. When the match burnt out, I was still in the abyss. I felt like a prisoner to drugs and my own mind. But I still always had hope. Deep inside me I knew that there was a chance I could be better. I could be sober, but I had to get out of the abyss. I had to address my mental health. I have been clean for the last four years and can confidently say that I’m better. Through counseling I have gotten a much deeper understanding of myself and how my mental health affects my actions. According to reports published by the Journal of the American Medical Association, 37% of people with alcohol dependency and 53% of people with drug dependency experience at least one mental illness. Opiates were also present in 20% of deaths by suicide, according to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. According to SAMHSA, drug or alcohol dependency is associated with a 10 times higher suicide risk. Sam Quinones is a former Los Angeles Times
reporter and award-winning author who has extensively covered drugs in America. He has seen a connection between mental health and drug addiction. “I would say that you can see it frequently. Now what causes what is a whole other question. Do people fall into depression after becoming addicted to drugs or vice versa?” Quinones said. “Some begin with one, some begin with the other, sometimes with drugs people very commonly fall into homelessness and that breeds its own kind of mental illness. It’s difficult to talk about them separately but I think there’s connections between all three that are common.” In hindsight, my drug use evolved into the way that I coped with how I felt about myself. I have struggled with depression and anxiety since I was barely a teenager and opioids, Xanax and Adderall became the wool I put over my eyes. But times have changed drastically since I got clean. When I was using, I could access pharmacy-quality pills and cough syrup on the street without much fear of something being fake, ending up stronger than what I was tolerant to and risking an overdose. Now, fentanyl has completely destroyed that illusion for addicts today.
05
“It breaks my heart in half that people like me, struggling for some light but still lost in an addiction, are now dying in droves because of fentanyl,” said Troy Barnes
Fentanyl used to be this almost mythological drug for opioid addicts, but was practically unattainable because of the strict medical controls around it. None of them, myself included, ever thought it would be ubiquitous on the street. According to Quinones, fentanyl has been on the street in states hit hard by the opioid epidemic, like West Virginia and Ohio, since 2014 but it took until around 2017 to start appearing on the West Coast. “At first [fentanyl] was coming from China but only in small quantities that they could mail but that did not cause the problem we have today. The problem we have today was really created when traffickers out of Mexico in around 2017 figured out how to make fentanyl and began to get the chemicals that they needed from Chinese chemical companies,” Quinones said. “The quantities of chemicals that they were able to procure and the ready knowledge of how to make fentanyl meant that all of a sudden you had production that far far outstripped anything that was possible
06
to be sent through the mail through China.” Fentanyl is death in powdered form and it’s insanely potent. Try to imagine 200 individual particles of baking powder; that much fentanyl is about the same strength of the highest dosage of morphine pills and enough to cause a fatal overdose. The deluge of supply started making dealers mix fentanyl with other drugs. It’s being mixed with cocaine and methamphetamine, causing overdoses and creating new opioid addicts from people who only intended to use stimulants. In September 2021, four comedians who thought they were only using cocaine all suffered from fentanyl overdoses and three of them died as a result. Actor Michael K. Williams also suffered a fatal overdose from fentanyl-laced cocaine. It’s also pressed into fake prescription pills that mimic drugs like Percocet, OxyContin and Xanax. Rappers Lil Peep and Juice Wrld both suffered fatal overdoses as a result of fake pills that contained deadly amounts of fentanyl.
For six years, my drug use was like lighting a match in the abyss for a moment of warmth and light in the cold darkness of my mental cosmos. When the match burnt out, I was still in the abyss
“With the drugs of today there is no such thing as recreational drug use anymore. We grew up for the last 50 years with this idea that you could go to a party and someone gives you a pill or you do a line of cocaine you can do it no problem. Now there is a very high chance that you will die. All the myths of drugs that we scoffed at when I was a kid have now become true,” Quinones said. It breaks my heart in half that people like me, struggling for some light but still lost in an addiction, are now dying in droves because of fentanyl. According to the National Institute of Drug Abuse, drug overdose deaths since 2017 have almost doubled to 91,799 in 2020. I could have been one of them, but I chose to fight for my life. But after I did some research, rehab was out of the picture for me. Rehab centers are sadly very expensive and it can be a battle with insurance companies to cover it. Drughelpline.org states that a 30-day detox program costs between $250 and $800 per day and a three-month outpatient program can cost as much as $10,000. My path to sobriety was thus very nontraditional. I was hospitalized for debilitating stomach cramps from an autoimmune disease and one of the doctors asked me if I had a drug problem after seeing my bloodwork. He offered to prescribe me Suboxone, a drug that blocks opioid interactions in the brain. It helped alleviate the physical symptoms of withdrawal and made me dramatically cut down my
drug usage slowly to zero over a few months, but mentally I was still an absolute trainwreck. The weight of all the guilt, shame and anger for those six years felt like a mountain falling on my back and my depression and anxiety started to make my life seem unlivable. Fixing my mental health became my first priority, but I thought I had few options. Medication either never worked or made my mental health worse and more than anything I wanted to feel like someone cared about me instead of throwing a prescription at me. I found a therapist who specialized in addiction. From the jump, he saw potential in me. He was dedicated to my recovery and available when I needed him the most. He was blunt and poignant, criticizing me when I needed to hear it and becoming a sage when I needed wisdom. He was the hand that pulled me from the abyss. Counseling helped me lift that mountain off my back and begin to plant a forest at its foothills. My relationships with family, friends and loved ones rekindled or became stronger. Addressing my mental health gave me back normality. One thing addicts want everyone to know is that we are human. We are flesh and blood. We have hopes, dreams, aspirations, relationships, wants, needs and motivation. We want to be seen as people, because when we aren’t we can sit in the abyss. And sometimes all we need is that hand reaching down to pull us back up.
07
Fact Check
Aimee Perez
David Mesquita
There’s an App for That... Or is There? How helpful are mental health apps in providing support to those who need it?
T
he number of mobile applications designed to help people with mental health needs has grown in response to growing demand during the pandemic. The pandemic led to a 27% increase in cases of major depressive disorders and a 25% increase in cases of anxiety disorders globally, said Dr. Tom Insel, former director of the National Institute of Mental Health, in a recent article in the medical journal The Lancet. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, selfreported mental health symptoms have increased. Stress-related symptoms, anxiety, depression, substance abuse and even suicidal thoughts have nearly doubled the rate since before the pandemic.
Mobile health apps for smartphones and tablet devices have become a lucrative business, with worldwide expenditures estimated at more than $92 billion for 2019, according to a study published by the National Center for Biotechnology Information. Mental health apps generate about $6 billion globally, according to the market research firm Fact.MR, and are projected to reach $17.5 billion by 2030, according to Business Wire. Mental health apps address a range of mental health issues with a variety of services. Some apps provide therapy, connecting practitioners with patients in counseling sessions. Other apps help people meditate, boost their moods or beat addictions, while
others claim to give users the tools to reduce anxiety or stress. Apps like BetterHelp, Cerebral, and Talkspace provide online therapy by connecting patients with licensed medical professionals in real time. The primary value of these apps is their efficiency. They allow patients more access to a variety of mental health care providers and ease of assistance. “Apps can provide many things that traditional therapy often cannot: They are usually cheaper and they don’t require a commute to an office,” Insel said for California Healthline. Mobile apps allow patients to get help from the safe space of their own homes. For some, visiting the doctor is stressful and mobile apps
can help by ensuring that those who are reluctant to leave home due to anxiety, the lack of physical mobility or finances can still see a mental health care provider. “The privacy of using an app gives some individuals the feeling of separation they need while still being able to find answers to their questions within the comfort of their own homes,” said social worker and psychologist Sal Raichbach to Psycom.net. For those patients who are fearful of talking about their issues face-toface, mobile apps may provide the privacy they need. Mobile might be a good way to begin treatment, especially for those who have no previous experience in seeking help or mental health
services. “The apps can be a first step, meaning that sometimes if we’ve never had any experience with treatment, we may have a picture in our mind of what it’s like. And so the unknown is always scary. And so if we start with the app, we can start to demystify the mental health treatment process,” said Alejandra Acuna, associate professor of social work at CSUN. The number of mental health apps may be expanding rapidly, but their quality remains a question for a number of reasons. Most apps that claim to give medical guidance do not have empirical studies behind them, so users cannot know if they are really beneficial. While users may rate apps
in stores, those ratings won’t tell users if the app is suitable for them. Personal searches in the app store can lead to apps that seem to target the searcher’s needs, but they can also show a variety of irrelevant search results stemming from a single word. Many of the medical experts acknowledge that consumers are getting little guidance on how to choose a reputable option in the app store. “Development has really outpaced the science,” said Stephen Schueller, clinical psychologist and UC Irvine professor, in an article in News Medical. In many cases, app creators are focused on creating more content and putting quantity ahead of quality. Deciding which mental health apps are beneficial comes down to the consumer’s own research.
Ivy Jenkins
Kait Lavo
Ty Brown
Generational Trauma: A deeper look at toxic traits and passing burdens
I
ntergenerational trauma or generational trauma is when the effects of a traumatic or oppressive event are passed down through generations. Intergenerational trauma may begin with a traumatic event affecting an individual, multiple family members, or collective trauma affecting a larger community culturally, racially, ethnically or through historical trauma, said psychologist Fabiana Franco in a Good Therapy article. There is not much research on generational trauma since the topic is fairly new. Psychiatrist Vivian M. Rakoff studied the high rates of psychological distress among children of Holocaust survivors in 1996. These were the first articles on trauma passed through generations. Research on intergenerational trauma has only been done on families from groups that have experienced historical trauma. Anyone can be affected by intergenerational trauma, but specific groups are vulnerable because of their histories. The Holocaust, slavery, Holodomor, Khmer Rouge, Rawandan genocide, and the displacement of Native Americans are historical traumas that can cause generational trauma. How parents and grandparents choose to deal with their trauma will affect their family
10
in positive or negative ways, for generations. “In some families, poor parenting and unsupportive family relationships are seen as normal and these patterns repeat and cause damage in subsequent generations,” said Franco in a PsychCentral article. Duke University’s Office for Institutional Equity reports two unhealthy coping mechanisms that are a result of trauma being handled in a negative way. The first is denial, which is refusing to believe the trauma happened. The second is minimization, which is ignoring the impact of the trauma. Mental health and genetics can be significantly affected by generational trauma, according to licensed clinical professional counselor Elizabeth Crush, who wrote in a Good Therapy blog that a traumatic experience can alter your body chemistry, changing your genes. Epigenetics are the inherited changes that impact your genes without affecting the DNA. Franco said epigenetics can increase your vulnerability to various mental disorders. Stigmas can make seeking help hard and negatively affect mental health. Stigma and unawareness of mental health can lead to the transmission of trauma over generations. The American Psychological Association report on
mental health needs stated, “biases, prejudices, and stereotyping can also play a central role in contributing to disparities in quality of care and outcomes experienced by racial and ethnic minority youth.” Graham Thornicroft is a professor at the Institute of Psychiatry in London. In a peer-reviewed study he explained that stigma surrounding mental illness has worse consequences than the actual illness itself. The study uses social contact as an intervention method to combat the stigma surrounding mental health. Using social contact for a short amount of time was helpful, “However, the evidence for the longer-term benefit of such social contact to reduce stigma is weak,” said Thornicroft. Mental health-related stigma can be connected to what an individual observes in social interactions. This social cognition can give importance to stereotypes, prejudice and discrimination. “Self-stigma is included in these models and occurs when people with mental
illness accept the discrediting beliefs (stereotypes) held against them,” said Thornicroft. People of color face more stigma when it comes to mental health due to complex cultural and community factors. A 2020 study done by psychologist Ozlem Eylem shows there are strong stigmas for mental disorders among minority groups. After looking at 29 studies with 193,418 participants, racial minorities showed more stigma compared to racial majorities for mental disorders and getting treatment. “The consequences of stigma are worse for racial and/or ethnic minorities … [since they] often experience other social adversities such as poverty and discrimination within policies and institutions,” said Eylem. Despite social stigmas, younger generations are more likely to seek help when it comes to mental health. A social marketing survey showed that with positive reinforcement rather than stigma, more people sought treatment for their mental health.
11
More than nine in 10 Gen Z adults said they have experienced at least one physical or emotional symptom because of stress
Sophie Bethune reported for the APA that Generation Z is 27% more likely to report their mental health compared to other generations. While millennials are 15% likely and Gen Xers are 13% likely. “More than nine in 10 Gen Z adults said they have experienced at least one physical or emotional symptom because of stress,” said Bethune. Whether this is due to intergenerational trauma is too hard to tell. People in the community contribute in shaping views surrounding mental illness. Research officer at the Mental Health Institute, Ellaisha Samari, did a study on the perceived mental illness stigma among family and friends of young people with depression. The study found that improving understanding of mental health among family and friends encourages young people to seek help. “Aside from the family’s response, exposure to stigmatizing responses from peers towards mental illness too can influence the way individuals with mental illness cope,” said Samari. Stigmas are taught through the parent or grandparent. Duke University’s Office for Institutional Equity reports that older generations set the standard for younger family members on how to handle trauma and on acceptable behaviors. “A parent or grandparent who never truly healed from or explored their own trauma may find it very difficult to provide emotional support to a family member suffering from his or her own trauma,” the report stated. Relationships can also be formed through generational trauma. Urban Dictionary, a
12
crowdsourcing website, defines words and their new definitions. According to this site, trauma bonding is “when you have [an] almost impossible to sever, attachment to someone that is rooted in a common traumatic experience.” A trauma bond can explain why traumatized groups tend to stick together. Bonds can be shared through pain, as well as emotionally and mentally. Psychologist and researcher Brock Bastian published a report called “Pain as Social Glue.” In this report, he found people can create bonds through shared physical trauma. He compared this information to the camaraderie between soldiers on the battlefield. “Participants in the pain condition reported higher bonding … than did those in the nopain condition,” said Bastian. Awareness of intergenerational trauma and its effects can be a great way to learn from them. Franco said, “Understanding how and why abuse and trauma are transmitted through the generations can increase compassion towards ourselves and our family members.” Research on intergenerational trauma is still fairly new. Understanding the full effects might take more time. Co-founder and director of the Group Project for Holocaust Survivors and Their Children, Yael Danieli, tells Tori DeAngelis from the APA, “It behooves us to study this area as widely as possible, so we can learn from people’s suffering and how to prevent it for future generations.”
Photo Illustration by Kait Lavo, “Generational Reflection.” We are a product of our enviroment. With each new generation we become a reflection of our parents just as they are a reflection of us.
13
Kait Lavo
Taylor Arthur
Love On a Leash
A
A closer look at the importance of therapy animals
fter weeks of hustling, the rhythmic panting slows down the racing heart. Students run their fingers through the warm fur of a German shepherd. As they take a moment to breathe during the chaos of finals season, Love on a Leash therapy dogs are ready to greet them with a much-needed escape from reality. “University students also commonly face emotional and social difficulties. A survey of American college students revealed that in the past year, 59% felt very lonely, 65% felt very sad, and 37% felt so depressed that they found it difficult to function,” stated the American College Health Association. Looking into the eyes of a dog, some find comfort in their pure intentioned nature. Dogs not only have provided companionship to humans for more than 30,000 years, but they have also become a vessel for healing. Love on a Leash has been providing therapy dog services to CSUN since 2016. LOAL treats people
A group photo of the therapy dogs attending training on the lawn at the Simi Valley Senior Center in Simi Valley, Calif., on March 9, 2022.
all around the San Fernando Valley, assisting with mental health and other health-related issues. The organization visits hospitals and schools around Los Angeles, bringing smiles to those in some of the hardest times. Katherine Spilos, the President of the German Shepherd Dog Club of the San Gabriel Valley and chapter leader of the Love on a Leash Angeles Valley Foothill chapter, and her 9 ½-year-old German shepherd Lia have been working with LOAL since 2013, but Spilos has been working with German shepherds in the therapy volunteer industry over 20 years. “Our German shepherd dogs not only provide pet therapy, their intelligence and ability to quickly evaluate emotions and environments makes them exceptional therapy dogs,” said Spilos. Each service dog must be certified through the American Kennel Club. Spilos and her volunteers only work with organizations that are nationally approved
“Though not service dogs, many testimonials praise therapy dogs for giving miraculous comfort” -Katherine Spilos
Chapter leader of the Love on a Leash Angeles Valley Foothill chapter
Photo of students with the therapy dogs on CSUN campus, courtesy of Katherine Spilos.
by AKC. The dogs’ temperaments are the foundation of what makes them ideal for therapy situations. Spilos also went on to say the group does extensive outreach with first responders and hospital patients. “Though not service dogs, many testimonials praise therapy dogs for giving miraculous comfort, encouragement and healing to people suffering from either physical or emotional pain,” Spilos said. The study done to see the impact of student and dog interactions prior to exams, “Petting Away Pre-Exam Stress,” proved that these human-canine interactions provided a temporary stress relief but a much needed intervention. “Considering the many challenges university students face, and the negative consequences of these challenges, interventions to reduce student stress and improve health and well-being are of utmost importance,” according to the case study. Being a student is challenging enough as it is. Keep an eye out during finals week this semester around the library or the Oasis Wellness Center, you may just spot a certified four-legged therapist to help relieve your stress and give you the boost you need before going in for the big exam.
TK, a therapy dog in training, licks trainer Katherine Spilos at the Simi Valley Senior Center in Simi Valley, Calif., on March 9, 2022.
Too Close for Comfort
Ryanne Mena
One Day at a Time
Kait Lavo
My Road to Recovery
W
ould it ever be enough? I thought as I stepped off the scale. I had reached my “goal” weight, yet I knew it was not enough, it would never be enough. I was slowly killing myself. How did I get here? Anorexia consumed my entire being from the time I was 16 years old. From what I wore, what I ate, who I spent time with, anorexia was the captain of my ship. Three weeks before my high school senior prom I stepped onto the scale and was horrified by the number; a number that held so much power in dictating my selfworth. For the next three weeks, I only consumed iced coffee with half-and-half. With each morning that followed, getting out of bed became more and more difficult, as my increasingly weakened body struggled to not collapse to the floor. But I needed to reach my goal weight. Seeing a lower number each time I stepped onto the scale gave me a sick and twisted sense of gratification. The day of prom arrived. I stepped on the scale and saw that I had reached my goal weight. But would there be any number that would suffice my eating disorder? Would any number be enough, or low enough, for me to love myself? Before stepping off the scale, I thought about how many more “goal weights” I could set for myself before something bad happened. Would any weight ever be enough? “No,” It’s been eight years since the last time Ryanne my mind quickly Mena weighed herself and now she stands proud answered. looking into the abyss and reflects on the worst On the surface, I moments she overcame. seemed happy, at least that is what
I would tell myself. Eating disorders are good at that; making you believe you are actually happy or, in my case, happiness could be achieved by reaching a lower number each time I stepped on the scale. Below the surface, I was suffering, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself otherwise. At that point in my life, feeling nothing was better than feeling all the pain and trauma I had been stuffing down since I was an 11-year-old little girl. That was when my mother died. The pain seemed all too much to face, and the world was a scary place where bad things happened. Eating disorders, at their core, are not about food. Similar to how fever can be a symptom of the flu, the real issue ran deeper than the food I restricted myself from. Numbing myself to the world was how I was able to survive my mother suddenly passing away in her sleep three days before Christmas in 2006. All of those dark and sad feelings were too much for me to bear, so I stuffed them down. On Feb. 13, 2014, I began my first day at an outpatient eating disorder rehab. As much as I did not want to, I kept going back. It was in treatment that I learned my anorexia was developed as a coping mechanism. I took my eating disorder recovery one day at a time, as that was, and still is, all I could do. Jan. 31, 2015, was my final day in treatment. After 11 1/2 months, I was discharged from rehab and began my life in recovery outside of the walls I had grown so comfortable in. I believe I would not be here writing to you had I not surrendered to seeking help and treatment. Recovery is not by any means a perfect road. There will be bumps and obstacles in the way, but I take them one day at a time. It has been eight years and counting since I last weighed myself. And I am still taking the road of recovery one day at a time.
We’ve got you covered Get even more news about your campus community from the Daily Sundial ONLINE Publishing the latest news, culture, Matador sports and more at dailysundial.com
SOCIAL MEDIA Follow us for fresh feed content. @dailysundial
dailysundial
@thesundial
dailysundial
Got something to say? If you have a tip or a burning question, email us at hello@sundial.csun.edu If you want to join our award-winning team of student journalists, email us at recruiting@sundial.csun.edu Daily Sundial | Manzanita Hall 140 | hello@sundial.csun.edu | (818) 677-2998