That’ll Be A No Then” by Sarah Kallend

That’ll be a NO then!

I meet lots of people who find themselves overloaded, or in uncomfortable situations because they find it very hard to say “no” to people around them. I bet you know someone who takes on more than they’re physically or mentally capable of from time to time and then feels angry or frustrated at the person that they feel overloaded them. You’ll find these people in most workplaces… often demonstrating what’s called passive aggressive behaviour …you can recognise them by the ‘tuts’ they utter… the eye rolls… the complaining behind the bosses backs (but never to their faces). This type of person feels that other people should somehow magically know what is reasonable for them to take on and not to ever put them in a position where they might have to use the word they recoil from … the ‘NO’ word. For many people this word appears to represent confrontation and challenge.. why is that? As with all behaviours that cause us distress as grown-ups the root of resistance to the ‘no’ word is usually in childhood. If you were raised in a home where children were ‘seen and not heard’ then it’s hardly surprising that to express an opinion, or to disobey an instruction was indeed seen as confrontational. Children brought up in this way often end up at extremes of the spectrum: either perfecting strong minded, even argumentative attitudes to people in around them, especially those in authority or at the other extreme, become totally submissive, unable to stand up for themselves or exercise their right to have an opinion. The reality is that everyone, no matter what their upbringing, can say no if the request made of them is outrageous enough. It’s a fine balance between the degree of discomfort we’ll feel by refusal compared to the discomfort felt by carrying out the request. And where this balance lies for one person who feels like they have a right to say no will be in a very different place than for the person for whom refusal is extremely uncomfortable. Let’s look at an example. Say you live reasonably close to an airport and a close friend asks if you would give them a lift to catch a plane… if you were able to say yes, you would wouldn’t you? But what about if it was a round trip of more than an hour and their plane was at 7am and you had to be at work for 9am? You may feel that this is not a reasonable request for a friend to make, but whether you do or don’t, some people will feel able to say “no” and others will create a silly amount of stress for themselves by doing the journey, often grumbling to themselves about how difficult it is. A helpful strategy if you would like to feel able to exercise your right to say ‘no’ more often is to try the “no, but..” approach. This allows you to feel like you’re helping without having to just roll over when someone asks you .. It’s simple and in the example I’ve used here, sounds like, “no I’m not able to take you at that time, but I can give you the number of a great airport taxi firm that we’ve used before..”, or maybe,”I can’t take you, but I am able to pick you up..”. You are demonstrating that you want to help in whatever way IS reasonable for you. Next time someone makes a request that you feel is unreasonable, notice how you feel about the prospect of refusing it and maybe you could try countering with a “no….BUT….”.

Sarah is an Associate Therapist at So Healthy Chiropractors in Matlock, dealing with emotional health and behavioural change. She is based at Ogston Reservoir as well as seeing people in their own homes. Find her at www.sarahkallend.com or on Facebook @theheartspeaker