EDITORIAL Dear self advocates, a new issue of the Voice of Self Advocates has arrived. We write about intimate relationships in the new issue. It is a very important topic for many people. Editor Senada Halilčević
Many adult self advocates complained to us that they did not have the chance to speak openly with anyone about this topic, despite really wanting to.
Journalists Hrvoje Forner Snježana Kanjir Tomislav Ivašković
That is why we have decided to dedicate this issue to intimate relationships.
Assistants Mladen Katanić Sanja Martinovsky Ivana Poslon Hrvoj Damjan Janjušević
We want to make talking about this topic more easier to you and also help you to learn something new. We have also published a brochure in which we write about this topic in more detail.
This newsletter was supported by a grant from the Open Society Foundations
The brochure is called: I have the right to know! Human sexuality 1: Intimate relationships
Pictograms and symbols made by: © Widgit Software tel: +44 1223 425558, web: www.widgit.com
TOPIC OF THE ISSUE: INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS As all others persons with intellectual disabilities can have intimate relationships with other people. But this is the topic many persons with intellectual disabilities do not have enough opportunity to talk about.
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That is why it is important that self advocates, their assistants, family members or support persons talk about intimate relationships together. Some self advocates do not feel comfortable to talk about intimate relationships. That is why no one should be forced to talk about topics he or she is not comfortable with. But, self advocates should get the opportunity to discuss openly with people whom they trust about topics which they find important. In this discussion self advocates have the right to get correct information about everything they want to know. Besides easy to understand information, self advocates also have the right to support in order to be as independent and included in the community as possible. Good support service must not neglect the needs of self advocates for intimacy and developing of intimate relationships with other people. Good support service will support it’s user to start and have intimate relationships. But self advocates often do not have the opportunity and support to start and have intimate relationships. One of the reasons is the attitude that intimate relationships are not for self advocates and that it is not necessary to talk about sexuality or intimate relationships with them.
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Avoiding open discussion and preventing self advocates to have intimate relationships is a violation of their human rights and the Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities. Avoiding discussion or preventing self advocates to have intimate relationships may lead to many bad consequences like:
yy risky or unacceptable sexual behaviour, yy unwanted pregnancy, yy inability to recognise sexual abuse, yy satisfying sexual urges and needs in a socially unacceptable way Family members, support services or persons of trust should always respect the wishes, decisions and choices of every individual.
LIVING IN THE COMMUNITY: NEW OPPORTUNITIES, RIGHTS AND RISKS Important document that brings many changes to lives of persons with disabilities is the Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities. The Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities requires from the states to respect the rights of persons with disabilities. That way, for example, persons with disabilities have the right to support that will enable them to: yy live independently and be included in the community, yy realize their right to family and family life,
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yy express their attitudes, opinions, feelings and legal capacity, yy participate in public and political life, yy realize their right to education, yy realize their right to work and yy many other rights. Getting out from institutions and starting to live in the community brings many new opportunities for persons with disabilities. One of these opportunities is the possibility to start intimate relationships. The possibility to realize the right to live with your partner is also bigger. While they were living in the institutions persons with disabilities did not have many possibilities to start intimate relationships. Starting an intimate relationships is an important life goal to many people. To have a good and successful intimate relationships it takes a lot of: yy love, yy understanding, yy patience, yy respect and yy tolerance.
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Sometimes, difficulties and hard periods can occur in intimate relationships. In such periods it is good to talk with people you feel close to or whom you trust. There are also risks in intimate relationships. One of the greatest risks is insufficient information about sexuality or intimate relationships. Later on we shall talk about several risks for which there are lack of easy-to-read information or support.
PEOPLE’s Relationships People form many kinds of relationships. For example: yy business relationships, yy friendly relationships, yy family relationships and yy professional relationships. We shall mostly talk about intimate relationships. Most of the people wants to have good relationships with other people. Good relationship consists of two adults who: yy are equal, yy respect each other, yy communicate successfully and
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yy have equal rights, opportunities and responsibilities. Many people expect that the intimate relationship with their partner will include: yy love, yy loyalty, yy respect, yy tolerance and yy sexual relations.
HOW TO HAVE SUCCESSFUL INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP? Most of the people wants their relationship to be happy and successful. But you must make an effort to have a happy and successful relationship. Without effort your intimate relationship will neither last long nor it will be happy or successful. In an intimate relationship it is normal to have good and bad periods. When you have bad periods in the relationship then you must try harder. If you try hard in a relationship you will probably have good and successful relationship with your partner. Then you will feel satisfied, self-confident and happy. If you do not show interest and understanding for wishes and needs of your partner
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your relationship will probably not last for very long and it will not be happy and successful. Therefore, show that you are ready to make a big effort in order to make your relationship happy and successful.
Questions and suggestions for discussion on having successful relationship In continuation we give you some ideas and suggestions that can help you to have happy and successful relationship. Have an honest and open communication Honest and open communication contributes the most to the building of the confidence which is very important for having good and successful relationship. Think about the following questions: yy Do you talk openly about your needs and expectations with your partner? yy Do you expect that your partner always exactly knows by him or herself what do you want from him or her. Listen and appreciate your partner Good communication consists of honest speaking, but even more it is consisted of careful listening. By listening and appreciating your partner you show that you care about him or her and his or hers opinion.
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Think about the following questions: yy Do you give your partner a chance to always say what he or she wants to say? yy Do you listen what your partner tells you or you are only focused to your own words, thoughts and feelings? yy Can you behave the way you want when you talk with your partner or you have to be considerate and careful? Never give up on having talk with your partner If you have a problem in your relationship, never give up on talking with your partner. Show that you are patient and persistent in resolving your problems by talking with with your partner. Think about the following questions: yy What do you do when your partner does not want or is not ready to talk about something important to you? yy Are you ready to tell you are sorry to your partner even when you cannot completely agree with your partner’s opinion? Remember good things which caused you to get in love with your partner When you get into disagreement or you have differing opinions try to remember the nice things which caused you to get in love with your partner.
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Think about the following questions: yy What caused you to get in love with your partner? yy Are the good qualities of your partner more important to you than the temporary disagreement? Plan your time together and always find time for your partner and your relationship. Always find enough time for your partner and your relationship. Your partner also has to find enough time for you. This way your relationship will be happy and successful. Think about the following questions: yy Is it important to you and your partner to spend every day at least some time together? yy Are you and your partner ready to postpone all other obligations just to spend some time together? Enjoy your partner’s difference Do not ask from your partner to be like you in everything. Try to learn some good things from your partner. Likewise, let your partner to learn some good things from you. This way you will both benefit from the relationship and you will strengthen mutual trust. Think about the following questions: yy Are you ready to accept that your partner does some things in a different way than you do?
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yy Are you ready to learn new things from your partner? yy Are you ready to let your partner learn something that you do very well? Be support to you partner and try to remain calm when disagreements occur In every relationship there are sometimes situations when partners disagree about something. In these situations it is very important to honestly and calmly talk and listen what your partner is telling you. Show understanding and be support to your partner. Think about the following questions: yy Do you commend more or criticize more your partner about something? yy When you disagree about something with your partner do you talk and listen what your partner has to tell you or you stop talking and expect your partner to apologize first? Think about your interests, but also think about the interests of your partner. All people in relationships may have some personal interests that they do not have to share with their partner. For example, you can enjoy going to theatre, whereas your partner likes to watch sports more. You and your partner should seek and develop common interests. But also appreciate your personal interests that you maybe do not share with your partner.
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Think about the following questions: yy Are there things which your partner enjoys, but to you they do not seem particularly important? yy Do you and your partner respect the fact that in some things you have different interest or everything must be the way one of you decides? Be ready to admit your mistakes We are all people and sometimes we make mistakes. You should not try to hide your mistakes. It is not fair to try making your partner responsible for your mistakes. When you realize that you made a mistake it is best to admit it and apologize. When your partner makes a mistake he or she should also admit it and apologize. Think about the following questions: yy Have you and your partner ever made a wrong decision or done something wrong in your relationship? yy What did you do then? yy What did your partner do? Be flexible and open for changes Be open for changes, discovering of new things and common learning in a relationship. This way you will have a happy and exciting relationship that will provide you with opportunities for personal growth and development.
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Think about the following questions: yy How do you react when your partner has some new idea? yy How does your partner react when you have some new idea? yy Are you ready to learn together and discover new things or you rather stick to known habits in a relationship? Share the power It is very important that each of the partners in a relationship feels that his or hers opinion is important and useful for the relationship. If one of the partner has all the power, other partner will probably feel bad and might not want to be in a relationship. Think about the following questions: yy On how many things in a relationship you decide together with your partner? yy What are the things that only you decide about, and what are things that only your partner decides about? yy Are there decisions that only you make for now, but you would like to make them together with your partner? yy What can you do to change current situation? Be especially considerate to sexual feelings and needs of your partner Many people in intimate relationships have sexual relations.
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There are also people who do not see sexual relations as something important in a relationship. Talk openly with your partner about this topics. People are different. This means that they have different wishes, feelings, needs and expectations. Do not judge your partner if his or hers wishes and feelings are different that yours. Also, do not be afraid to tell honestly what you wish and feel. Sexual relations can be very pleasant, but there are also certain risks and dangers. It is very important to get informed about sexual relations. Irresponsible and uninformed having of sexual relations can lead to risks and dangers such as: yy sexual violence and abuse yy infection with sexually transmitted deceases yy unwanted pregnancy To get informed and to have safer sexual relations you should consult with: yy your doctor yy your family members, relatives and people you trust, yy persons who support you.
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Think about the following questions: yy What kind of relations do you want to have with your partner you are in a relationship with? yy Are you satisfied in your relationship? yy Is there a stability and trust between you and your partner? yy Do you know the risks and dangers that exist in a sexual relationships? yy Do you know how to protect yourself from abuse, sexually transmitted deceases and unwanted pregnancy? If any problem in a relationship becomes to difficult for you it is always recommended to seek for advice or help. You can always talk to family, friends or persons you trust and ask them for advice and opinion. Some of them can surely give you advice or at least listen what you have to say. Having talk with the persons you feel close to sometimes can be enough to find a way to correct the problem in your relationship.
WHAT IS SEXUAL VIOLENCE AND ABUSE AND HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM IT? Many research says that people with disabilities often experience violence and abuse. That is why we shall present you a few important things about sexual violence and abuse. We want to help you to:
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yy protect yourself from sexual violence and abuse, yy always recognize sexual violence and abuse in case it happens to you or someone close to you and yy report sexual violence and abuse to persons who have the duty to help and protect you. Do not forget! If someone forces you to have sexual relations or touches your body without your permission that is sexual violence and abuse! Sexual violence and abuse is when your partner in a relationship or some other person forces you to have sexual relations or touches you in way you do not like. Sexual violence and abuse is a criminal offence. Nobody has the right to commit sexual violence or abuse. Nobody, even your partner in an intimate relationship neither has the right to force you to have sexual relations nor to touch you without your permission. If you accepted to have sex one time that does not mean that you accepted to have sex every time when your partner or some other person wants to. You have the right to say NO every time when you do not want to have sexual relations or when you do not want to be touched. Your partner has to respect your every decision in sexual relations even if your partner does not agree with your decision.
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You also have to respect every decision of your partner in sexual relations even then when you disagree with those decisions. Neither your partner nor any other person has the right to force you to have sexual relations. If you experience that somebody: yy touches you in a way you do not like or yy forces you to have sexual relations report it immediately to: yy the police, yy the doctor or yy persons you trust. That can be difficult sometimes because abusers can threaten you with even bigger violence if you report them. But you should never be silent about sexual violence or abuse! Silence is precisely the thing that abusers favour the most. If abusers notice that you do not report their violence, they will know that they can continue with violent behaviour. Get courage and find a good opportunity to tell about sexual violence and abuse that you experienced or heard about to the police, the doctor or any other person you trust. You can report sexual violence to the Disability Ombudsman Office and also to the Association for Self Advocacy.
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Contacts: Disability Ombudsman Office: Savska cesta 41/3 10 000 Zagreb, Croatia tel. : 01 610 21 70 e-mail : ured@posi.hr Association for Self Advocacy office: Međimurska 19, 3rd floor 10 000 Zagreb, Croatia tel. : 01 553 05 82 e-mail : kontakt@samozastupanje.hr You can read about this topic in more detail in the brochure of the same name: I have the right to know! Human sexuality 1: Intimate relationships The brochure can be downloaded free of charge at the web page of the Association for Self Advocacy www.samozastupanje.hr
CONTACT US
Bleiweisova 15, 10 000 Zagreb Telephone: 01 553 05 82, Fax:01 553 05 56 E-mail: kontakt@samozastupanje.hr Visit our web page: www.samozastupanje.hr or visit us on Facebook
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