First Aid Parenting by Daniel

Jean & Shawn Boonstra

and Pacific Press Publishing Association

Design & Layout by Fred Knopper Cover Photo by Photos.com Edited by Michele Stotz Proofread by Ashley Wagner Text Typeset: 11 pt. ITC New Baskerville Copyright 2008 by It Is Written. All Rights Reserved. Additional copies of this book and a host of other spiritual resources are available from It Is Written. For more information call toll free 1-888-664-5573 or visit

www.itiswritten.com

Printed in the United States of America by Pacific Press Publishing Association Nampa, Idaho / Oshawa, Ontario, Canada www.pacificpress.com ISBN 10: 0-8163-2169-8 ISBN 13: 978-0-8163-2169-8

â?Ś Contents Introduction.........................................................................5 In an Emergency..................................................................7 When Should I See the Doctor?........................................13 Fever...................................................................................17 Fractures and Sprains........................................................22 Isolation..............................................................................25 Underdosing on the Best Medicine..................................30 Preventive Medicine..........................................................35 Poisons................................................................................40 Inoculations........................................................................46 Hypothermia......................................................................51 The Great Physician...........................................................55 Emergency Quick Reference Guide.................................59 Emergency Help from the Great Physician......................60

❦ Introduction It is with great trepidation that we begin this little book, First Aid Parenting. We feel woefully inadequate to write anything about parenting for many reasons! The first reason is that we hardly feel we are model parents. Just visit our house some busy school morning as we’re all getting ready to dash out the door and you’ll see a brilliant example of our shortcomings. Secondly, we are not child psychologists. We are not marriage and family counselors, or teachers or physicians. We are just two people who love each other and our children. We have muddled through our parenting experience thus far, with the help of the Great Physician, and if we have learned anything, we have learned solely through trial and error. The third reason that we have entered into this journey cautiously is that our children are still young. It is far too early to know if what we’ve been doing is actually going to “take” over the long haul or not. Our two girls are only eight and five, and so we still have many, many years ahead of us to confirm just how little we know about parenting! It is because of these precluding factors that what you find before you is not an expert treatise on parenting. It is not an exhaustive work, as you must certainly have already guessed from its size. It is not a manual and it is definitely not the final word on parenting. This having been said, if you are willing to come on this parenting adventure with us, we welcome you inside. 5

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

❦ In an Emergency Do you ever feel like your life as a parent is just about surviving one emergency after another? In our household, it seems like even the smallest things can turn into fullscale emergencies—especially when lack of sleep is a factor. Our youngest daughter, Naomi, has been known to crumple into a heap of tears over a missing sock! Our children are certainly a treasured gift from God. We love them desperately, but that doesn’t mean that every day is smooth and easy sailing. In spite of our love and devotion to our children, it often feels like life is all about whatever emergency is consuming the moment. In our house, and likely in yours too, real emergencies are rare, but perceived emergencies abound. So, what do we do when we feel like we’re living in a state of emergency? How is being a parent today different from when our parents were raising us, or our grandparents were raising them? In many ways, modern parenting is essentially the same as it has always been. There are things that are universally true of all parents, of all generations. Many of the things that defined my great grandmother as a mom are the very things that define me. Still, modern parenting is decidedly different than it was for any generation before us. There are things I encounter daily that were unheard of in my grandmother’s or even my mom’s day. Let’s take a look at some of the universals of parenting first, and try to determine if this 7

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state of emergency parenting has always ruled, or if it is something that our generation invented! Parents, no matter the time or the place, have an indelible influence on the life of their child. The decisions we make as parents, and the way we treat our children, will affect them for the rest of their lives. A parent is the first person a child relies on, learns from, and trusts. The things we teach our children will go with them for a lifetime. The parental influence is difficult to understate. It is an awesome responsibility and a very humbling experience! I vividly remember the day I overheard our oldest daughter Natalie, then two, talking to some of her dolls. She was being sweet and kind and I loved listening to her. Then I heard her snap to one of her little dolls, “Not right now. I’m busy.” And I knew exactly who she was imitating…it was me! It was terribly humbling. A parent’s influence over his or her child, whether good or bad, is huge. Parenting has always been hard work. The core challenge is the same now as it always has been: kids are born without an instruction manual, and it is our job to figure things out on our own. Shawn and I waited several years before we started our family, and so by the time I was expecting our first daughter I was overflowing with expectations and hopes for our little one. We had everything all mapped out in our minds, and we thought that we knew just how we were going to raise our new arrival. Then our vocal little bundle arrived and most of our plans and ideas went right out the window! We suddenly realized that we were going to have to learn how to be parents, just like everyone before us, through a lot of sanctified guesswork. We had no idea that our beautiful little girl could possibly cry so much, and so loudly! We struggled along, eventually learning what worked for Natalie.

IN AN EMERGENCY

We were admittedly smug the second time around, but learned very quickly that what worked with our first, definitely did not work with our second! Parenting has never been easy because we all start the job inexperienced, and each child is a unique creation of God. Many days, the fast paced state of emergency that I find myself in does seem to be a product of modern parenting. My life as a mom is somewhat different for me than it was for my mom, and quite a lot different than it was for my grandmother. Our modern life is busier, much more cluttered with things and demands, and technology has been both a blessing and a strain. Our world and our homes have changed. Shawn and I both grew up in small towns as younger children and we can remember playing outside, with little supervision, for long periods of time. Shawn remembers his mother telling him to come home when the noontime siren rang out for lunch. I remember my mom telling my sister, brother and me to come inside when the streetlights came on. These kinds of freedoms are fairly unusual nowadays. Even in our safe, family oriented neighborhood, I wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t think of letting my children play on their own beyond the boundaries of our court. Our world is just different. Kids are confined to backyards or the indoors, where influences like satellite TV and the Internet were nonexistent when we were young. Parents have to play a larger supervisory role nowadays than ever before. One of the biggest changes in modern parenting has been the definition of roles for fathers and mothers. Single parent families and mixed families are commonplace, too. In our Western culture, the roles of fathers and mothers were fairly static for many generations. The father earned the living, cut the grass, fixed the stuff that was broken and drove the car on family vacations. The mother took care

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of the home, cooked the meals, did the laundry, was the primary caregiver for the children and, most of the time, went along for the ride. There have always been exceptions to the rule in every generation, but the fact remains that this was the norm up until my mom’s generation. The average family has certainly changed from just a few generations ago. The traditional male/female division of labor is quite different. In most families both parents work, even if one of the parents is working from home or part-time. Even in families where only one parent works, there still seems to be a less traditional division of chores. In our family, Shawn travels a lot and so by default I am the one who fixes the broken stuff and cuts the grass. When both parents are working and children’s lives are more cluttered with materialistic wants and activities, the combination is pretty hectic. I think about how different my children’s lives are from mine, and I’m not that old! A lot of this change has been positive, because both parents now have more choices open to them than they did a few generations ago. The changes in parental roles have not all been positive, though, and that goes for both moms and dads. The women of my mom’s generation were encouraged to follow their hearts into the career world or the domestic life. It was an exciting time where many women felt, for the first time, that they could choose their own destiny. Much of this freedom to choose has now been lost in my generation. Our society and economy are now structured in such a way that it is almost impossible for mothers not to work outside of the home. I know so many friends that would rather be at home full-time, if only the family could afford the loss of their income. So, we have almost swung around full circle. This generation of moms is bearing a tremendous amount of responsibility not only

IN AN EMERGENCY

in the business world, but on the home front as well. Today’s dads are far different from their grandfathers. Dads nowadays are increasingly involved in their children’s lives, and that is a wonderful thing. Dads are still carrying the bulk of the financial burden in most families, and they are also helping out around the house more than ever. These changes are wonderful, but I find it disappointing that the role of the father in the family has lost the respect that it once garnered. I am always saddened when I see fathers ridiculed and disparaged on television and in books. The dad seems to be the last fair target for ridicule. The modern father carries a lot of responsibility, with little recognition or thanks. The father’s role has become rather uncertain in our modern world, and this is a tremendous shame, because his role is incredibly important. A father’s most lasting role is to show his children a picture of what God, their Heavenly Father, is like. A father shows his children that he is dependable and willing to sacrifice of himself for his family, and that sometimes “no” is the best answer! These are all things that show a child what God is like. Ultimately, a father’s role is to lead his children to God. This is the mother’s role also, and even more so in a single parent family. We read about it in Deuteronomy 6:6, 7 (NIV): “These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” This is a high calling, and one that deserves the utmost in respect and love. It is a calling that keeps Shawn and me humble every day.

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Parenting in today’s world is certainly not business as usual! We still love our children, work for our children and learn from them—as parents always have. The fast paced life that we live creates unique challenges and frequent emergencies. Our challenge is how, with God’s help, to survive the emergencies.

❦ When Should I See the Doctor? Maybe, like me, you have rocked a sick toddler in your arms and worried. You took her temperature and, yes, it was high, but not too high. She has a cold and is sleepy and cranky. Maybe it is an ear infection, or maybe it is just a little bug that will soon pass. You give her Tylenol, rock her a little more, and worry. Should I take her to the doctor? It could be tonsillitis, but then again, it could just be a cold. You go back and forth in your mind a few dozen times, certain that whichever choice you make will somehow be wrong. You worry, worry and worry! This kind of worrying doesn’t just happen over illnesses, either. Worry seems to be an inborn part of being a parent, and especially of being a mother. There are so many things to worry about when you are a parent. The worry over a child with a terminal illness is a genuine worry, but thankfully most parents do not carry that burden. Most of our worries are over the day-to-day things. When Natalie arrived in this world, she surprised us by arriving two weeks early! Shawn was on the other side of the country and I was at home with his mom—who, thankfully, was there to help me. Natalie was a little on the scrawny side, due to her early arrival, and our first worry became, is she eating enough? Is she gaining enough weight? The burden of that responsibility was tremendous in those early days. Suddenly, we were responsible for another human life, 13

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and a fragile little one at that. We never felt like we were doing the right thing. I soon discovered that this was to be the first of many worries, some legitimate, and others definitely self-imposed. There are so many things to worry about! When children are little, it is so easy to worry about their growth and development. Is my child growing enough? Is she eating too little, or too much? Should I let him drink juice or water, milk or soymilk? Does ketchup count as a vegetable? Should I hand out candy at her birthday party, or will the other parents turn up their noses at my liberality with sweets? If I deny her treats, will she overindulge in them later in life? Why isn’t she talking yet? Why won’t she stop talking? Am I really up for this challenge of parenting? I just don’t think that I can do it. I could go on and on. I misguidedly dreamed that once the girls got older, and a little more independent, that my job as a mom would get easier. Wow, I was wrong! The worries are different, but there are even more of them! Did I teach her enough at home to prepare her for school? Private school, public school or home school—did I make the right choice? Does she have enough friends? Is she a strong leader, or too bossy? Should she be learn-ing a sport and taking music lessons, or will she be over-scheduled? Is she well adjusted? Why are all the other kids in the class taller than she is? The list is endless. Our children haven’t even entered the teen years yet, but we are already worried about them. With two daughters, Shawn has already lain awake at night worrying about the boys ringing the doorbell to take his girls out. I can’t even imagine my babies going away to college. Worry is such a natural part of being a parent. We love the little beings in our care desperately and want only the best for them. We want them to have the best of the things that we enjoyed in our childhood, and all of the things that

WHEN SHOULD I SEE A DOCTOR?

our own childhood lacked. Worry seems to go hand in hand with this. Worry has plagued many of my days and nights, but I have found in recent years that there is a doctor with a prescription for that—God, the Great Physician! There is a verse in the Bible that has truly helped me to turn my worries over to God and let Him take care of them. This verse is in Jeremiah, and I have written it on the back of an old photo of the girls that is tucked inside my Bible. Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) says: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” This verse is a wonderful comfort to me. It reminds me that ALL is in God’s care and in His hands. He is in charge of all things. It also reminds me that He created my children, and me, too, for a purpose. My life is not something random. He planned for me to be the person that I am, in spite of my bumps and flaws. God also allowed for Shawn and me to be the parents of these two children, and He must think that we are up for the task, or He wouldn’t have entrusted them to our care. God has a wonderful plan for our daughters’ futures, and part of His plan was to have us raise them. I cling to this promise in Jeremiah and the knowledge that He has a plan for a hope and a future for our children and us. There are many times when I come to the end of the day and wonder just where things went haywire! The day usually starts well enough, and intentions are good, and then some little thing goes wrong and the whole day goes sour after that. It is on evenings like this that I love to sneak into the girls’ bedrooms and kiss their soft cheeks while they are asleep. Their peaceful, sleeping faces ease the pain of the

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frustrations and mistakes of the day and remind me of the precious gift that God has given me. A great deal of my worry as a parent also stems from the expectations that I have of myself, and my constant failure to meet those expectations. I worry a great deal about what I am doing to raise my children, and if I am making the right decisions. I feel the heaviness of the responsibility often, and it is then that this verse encourages me greatly. We read in Romans 8:28 (KJV): “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose.” Worry may continue to plague us all from time to time in our parenting experience, but it doesn’t need to overwhelm us. We are all errant humans making our way through our parenting experience as best as we know how. There is one worry that we can lay to rest right now, and that is when to see the doctor. Jesus, the Great Physician, is on call 24/7 and He loves to hear our concerns, our disappointments and our joys. All of them. He truly does have the answers for all of our worries!

❦ Fever Have you ever felt like you are constantly running a temperature? I mean, life is so busy that it demands we live it at a feverish pace—always rushing, feverishly, from one task on our to-do list to the next. We rush through tasks leaving them half finished, and then move feverishly on to the next ones. Our lives today are so busy that this fevered pitch seems normal. There just isn’t enough time in the day to get done what needs to get done. We all live this way, so there mustn’t be any other choice in the matter, right? I wish that I could say that my life was calm, cool and fully under control on a daily basis, but it definitely is not. We parents seem to be running a collective fever! If you were to ask me, my friends with children, my sister and my sisters-in-law what our biggest frustration is as moms, I can almost guarantee that our answers would all be the same: not enough time! The demands on a modern parent’s time are tremendous and they are even bigger than they were a generation or two ago. Most parents today juggle childcare, household chores and career demands. Our families are smaller than they were a hundred years ago, we now have countless “time-saving devices,” and yet we seem to spend even less time with our children than ever before. Modern technology can be a blessing and a curse. Our family loves our Web camera and the ability it gives us to talk “face to face” with grandparents and Shawn when he 17

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is away from home. Technology can also be a time robber, though. I can’t count the number of times that I’ve sat down at my desk “just to check my e-mail,” and before I know it an hour has vanished! Each day is only 24 hours long, and life does go much more smoothly when we sleep for eight of those 24 hours. What can we do to keep our temperature down during the remaining busy 16 hours? I am definitely not an expert in this area, but I have worked diligently in recent years to bring my temperature down, and here are a few of the things that have worked for me. First, it helps to realize that balancing the demands on my time is not always going to work. It seems like everyone is talking about time management and finding the balance in life. This is a constant struggle, and it is also wrought with somewhat unrealistic expectations from ourselves. Balance is a fantastic goal because God certainly did not design us to be completely focused on our work, our homes, or our appearance at the expense of our children. Thinking that you can live every day in perfect balance is unrealistic. If you have a deadline looming at work, or your taxes are still undone and it is April 14, then your life will be unbalanced. Most of us cannot cook a gourmet meal, exercise for 60 minutes, spring clean the house and meet a pressing deadline all on the same day. Life, by nature, is often temporarily unbalanced. On the rare day that my home, work and family duties all fall into place beautifully and peacefully, I feel truly blessed. However, letting go of the goal of perfect balance every day has helped me a lot. If your life is always unbalanced, then it is time to reassess your priorities. Allowing yourself to let go of the notion of perfect daily balance will let you ignore the pile of dirty laundry in favor of a spontaneous summer day at the beach. It will take a lot of the heat off! One of the best things that I have

FEVER

done recently is to start saying “no” to others and to take better charge of my schedule. I know that, like me, you’ve probably heard it a hundred times before, but it really does bring the temperature down a lot. A few years ago, Shawn and I had the privilege of visiting a poor country (I can’t tell you where because it is illegal to preach there) to share the gospel and to help build several churches. It was truly a life-changing experience, and while there we were struck by how happy the children were! They live in shacks and run around in bare feet, but all the while they are smiling and content. I could not help but think of how “cluttered” my own life, and our children’s lives are. While there, I made a conscious decision to simplify our lives. Often I have fallen short, but I try to get back on track and stay focused. There are always demands on our time, and people will be unhappy when we say no, but saying no is just what might be best for our children. Shawn and I have also made a concerted effort to not let our children take on too many activities. School, music lessons and church activities are more than enough for their young lives. Saying no is extremely difficult for me, but I have found that it is getting easier! Before our children were born I faithfully kept a journal. I also kept a pregnancy journal through my first pregnancy and thoroughly enjoyed it, but after Natalie was born, my journaling became very sporadic. I managed to keep a journal through my second pregnancy, but after Naomi was born, I convinced myself that journaling was a luxury that I did not have the time for anymore. It wasn’t until just a few months ago that I began journaling again and it has been a wonderful blessing to me. It has been a welcome time of peace and serenity in my feverish schedule. I am not as thorough as I once was, but my journal is a place where I can express my thoughts,

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fears, hopes and thanksgivings freely, and then bring them to God in prayer. It is a wonderful blessing to be able to flip back through the pages and enjoy again the blessings that I recorded, and to see how God has been working in my life by answering my requests and helping me solve my problems. The biggest time-related frustration I’ve faced is to find time for my spiritual life. We began reading Bible stories to our girls and having morning and evening worship with them since before they could walk. It has always been a very special family time, but there never seemed to be time for me, alone, to read the Bible and pray. I tried many different things in those early years of parenting. I tried reading in the evening but, invariably, I would fall asleep, Bible in hand. I tried getting up early and reading in the morning. That worked fairly well for a while until our youngest learned that if she got up early, too, she could snuggle with mommy on the couch and ask her lots of questions. I always carried a great load of guilt over this until one day a friend, also a pastor’s wife, whose children were now grown, shared with me that she too had struggled when her children were young. “It’s okay,” she reassured me, “I think that God winks at young mothers because he knows that there just isn’t time in the day!” That eased a lot of my guilt, but I knew that I needed my quiet time with God. I stopped thinking of it as something on my to-do list that I had to get in before I could move on to the next task, and began to think of it as my time of renewal. I always seemed to have the time to steal 10 minutes to surf the Internet or catch one of my favorite cooking shows on TV, so what if I spent just 10 short minutes a day reading my Bible? I printed off a reading program for reading the Bible in a year and told myself that I would

FEVER

follow the plan, but would take as much time as I needed. Any time with God was better than none. It has been a great source of strength and comfort to me. I now feel so much better equipped to handle my feverishly paced life. God always leads me to read something that I need for that day, to help me at work or with the children. It is the best fever reducer going!

â?Ś Fractures and Sprains In spite of our greatest desires and best intentions, no parent is perfect. Our relationships with our children contain at least a few fractures and sprains. Unlike a fractured collarbone or sprained ankle, fractures and sprains in relationships with our kids can be fixed without casts and slings. I have made so many mistakes as a mom that I am humbled daily. I have learned a lot about God, my Redeemer, through my relationship with my children. My children are amazingly quick to forgive, and their love for their parents never falters in spite of our imperfections. Our Heavenly Father is the same. He is always ready to forgive us for our mistakes, no matter how grievous, and His love is undying for His children. I could fill volumes with a retelling of all of the mistakes that I have made as a parent. Shawn and I both seem to struggle with the same thing with our childrenâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;and that is patience, or a lack thereof! Often, we have acted too hastily with the girls when resolving disputes, or just interacting with them. This past summer, while on vacation, I was reminded afresh about just how impatient I can sometimes be. We had spent a long, hot day in the car and we were all tired by the time we got into our hotel room. I was hurrying the girls along into bed when a tussle broke out between them. I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t recall the details of the incident, but I do remember hastily coming to the conclusion that Naomi 22

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must be the offender, and swiftly applying retribution for the crime. Naomi wailed and mournfully declared her innocence, just as Shawn walked in the room. She pled to her daddy for justice and, sure enough, she was right and I was wrong. I felt terrible! A few sniffles later, though, I was gladly forgiven and daddy made all well again by letting her eat a Kit Kat in the bathtub to make up for mommyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s premature judgment. By no means was this my finest hour as a parent, but the fracture wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t permanent. My daughter forgave me, and her daddy showed her a picture of what God is like because He, too, is always on the side of truth. In my journey as a parent I have learned so much from God and His Word on how to heal the inevitable fractures and sprains. I have learned so much about God and His character. Most importantly, I have learned that it is okay to apologize and say you are sorry. Our girls are so incredibly willing and able to forgive our transgressions that it humbles and amazes me. It is never an easy thing to say you are sorry, but I am finding that it gets easier when I realize just how much my daughters love me and are willing to forgive. Some of our best talks come after an open and willing apology from each of us. The walls then come down and we can talk about whatever is behind the incident that caused the problem in the first place. In the Bible, God calls this willingness to apologize and forgive repentance. Repentance is a genuine remorse for wrongdoing and is accompanied by a strong desire to not make the same mistake again. This does not mean that we will never make the same mistake again, but it does mean that our heart has turned away from the sin. This repentance comes directly from God Himself. He wants us to turn our back on sin, and He is longing for us to come to Him and ask for His forgiveness, for He is willing and able to grant it.

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So, as a parent, what can we expect from God when we make mistakes? I think it is important to realize that when you are a parent you are “job-sharing” with God. Our children are on loan from Him. He tells us to be the teacher. He’ll be the coach and He will be tech support. God is not just on our side—He is the coach! I wish that this meant that I would never make a mistake with my children again, but the Bible is clear that “all have sinned and come short of the glory of God.” As parents, we put unrealistic expectations on ourselves. In other areas of our lives we freely accept that we are not perfect, but yet somehow we feel that we should be perfect parents. The reality is that those fractures and sprains are going to keep happening. Hopefully we learn from the mistakes and, with God’s help, the fractures happen less often and heal quickly. Just as our precious little ones are so willing to forgive, so is God. In 1 John 1:9 it says: “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” This is the best kind of healing, and it doesn’t require so much as a bandage!

â?Ś Isolation In our early years of ministry, Shawn and I lived and worked in Northern British Columbia, at mile zero of the Alaska Highway. The Northern Lights were magnificent and our quiet drives to and from our three little churches were special times. While we were working there, we met a man who had lost one of his legs. He shared his story with us. He had been snowmobiling in the bush one winter when his snowmobile broke down. He was unable to fix the machine and the temperature was at least 45 degrees below zero Celsius. Far away from any town, he had to assess his situation. How soon would someone be by to ask for help? There was no way of knowing. He waited, alone, in the subzero weather for a little while, but quickly realized that if he didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t start walking to the nearest town, he would die from the extreme cold. Alone, he began walking and after several hours arrived at the town, exhausted and frostbitten. They tried to save his leg, but eventually it had to be amputated. The cold had damaged it beyond saving. That story has stuck with me over the years. I admire the courage it took for him to walk to safety. We are fragile creatures when we are alone, isolated, and especially when we are at the mercy of the elements. Parents today, more than ever, are taking care of their children alone. Single parent families are much more common than they were even a generation ago, and extended family support systems are less common. 25

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This isolation in parenting is not easy. Single parents are responsible for every aspect of rearing their children and I imagine it must often be a lonely and difficult task. In other families, work frequently takes one of the parents away from home and the other parent is alone, caring for the household and the children. Isolation and loneliness can be real challenges when raising a family. Before we had children, Shawn traveled extensively for his work. We knew that this was going to be a part of our lives that we would have to manage carefully while raising a family, and it was a challenge we happily accepted. It has not always been easy. It sometimes feels like the inanimate objects in our world know when Shawn is away. The car waits until he is gone to suddenly quit in the grocery store parking lot, and the air conditioner quits when he is on the other side of the world! When the girls were little, it was especially hard for me when one or both of them were sick. I had no one to help, or watch them, so that I could just run out and get medicine or juice! Isolation has not been an easy part of parenting, but we have learned to cope with it in different ways over the years. There are several practical things that have made isolation easier for our little family. In the first place, it is important to the whole family that everyone knows that absences are kept to only those that are essential. This number, obviously, varies widely from family to family. Military men and women may need to be away from home for an entire year, but it is still important that everyone understands that this time away is essential to the parentâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s work, and that the parent does not accept assignments away from home lightly. We have made it a practice that from the youngest age, we include our daughters in the discussions of why daddy is away. We talk to them about how he is helping people to

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learn about Jesus. We visit the library and read books about the people and the culture of the places in which Shawn is working. We also make it clear to them that their sacrifice of not having their dad at home for a little while means that they are doing an important job, too, and that they are helping the whole family. We are working together for the good of the family. Our daughters have accepted this assignment gladly, and although there are days when they just miss their dad and wish that he were home, generally they are very brave. When possible, we accompany Shawn on short trips, and often on long stints away from home, we will visit him for a part of the time. Modern technology has been a tremendous practical blessing, too. Now with satellite phone service, Shawn was able to call home from the depths of the Canadian Arctic last year! We both have Web cameras on our computers and we use these often. Shawn will even pick up his laptop, and with the Web camera, give the girls a “tour” of his hotel room, and show them what it looks like outside his window. There are a few little things that I do daily while Shawn is away that together make the difference between miserable isolation and tolerable aloneness. The parent at home, in our case me, has a tremendous influence on how the children perceive the other parent’s absence. I have, from the beginning, been extremely positive about Shawn’s travel. There have been days where I have felt like I just couldn’t go through another day alone, but I have never let that show around the girls. I save the tears and frustration until after they are in bed at night. When we moved a few years ago, I made a conscious decision to only surround myself with friends who were supportive and encouraging about Shawn’s absences. I didn’t want anyone dragging me down into a pity party, and this has helped me considerably.

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I’ve also learned, through trial and error, that he is away often enough that it works best if we stick to our usual household routine, even when alone. I do save certain things for when he is gone, such as sleepovers with friends and certain outings, but generally, keeping to the same routine gives a sense of comfort and regularity for the children. When Natalie was two she fell in love with chocolate pudding! The girl could eat it every day if I let her and so I rationed her by saying that I would only buy it when daddy was away. For some reason, this has stuck over the years, and even now I still buy them chocolate pudding when Shawn is gone. Every obstacle in our lives, and especially in our parenting experience, teaches us about God. He uses these challenges to draw us closer to Him. Shawn’s absences remind us of Jesus and His work. Right now we have to be away from Him, but He still provides. Just as the parent who is away is still caring for and providing for the family, Jesus is working with us and for us in heaven. He is preparing a future for us, just as the absent parent is doing for the family. It is a beautiful picture. My strength and hope while parenting in isolation has always been that I’m never actually parenting in isolation. I am never alone, no matter how alone I perceive myself to be. One of my favorite verses is Deuteronomy 31:8 (NIV): “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” God Himself is always with me. He is always available to listen, to share my frustrations with and to encourage me. And so, isolation is, in the end, never a factor! I love the verse in Hebrews 13:5 (NIV), too:

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“…never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” God is the cure for isolation! He is the source of strength and power for the parent who is parenting alone.

❦ Underdosing on the Best Medicine A few weeks ago, while driving to Natalie’s piano lesson, I had a magnificent view of a crescent moon, bright and glowing in the evening sky. “Look at the shape of the moon,” I said to Natalie and Naomi, who were riding in the back seat. They oohed and aahed appropriately and then Naomi said, “Maybe the aliens are using their flashlights and lighting up only part of the moon!” Before I could say a thing, Natalie retorted, “Naomi, what do they teach you at school?” I started laughing hysterically, and the girls joined me. We were still laughing when we arrived at the piano studio! A good belly laugh is one of the best feelings in the world, isn’t it? All of the cares of the last few hours seem to melt away. Laughter really is still the best medicine, and as parents, too often we underdose on it! The responsibility that we bear for the well being of our children is huge, and weighs heavily on us a lot of the time. Time pressures and demands can consume every waking moment. A typical day at our house involves me hurrying the girls out to the car on time for school, running to the classroom because we are late, going to the office, picking up the girls from school, then heading home for homework, piano practice, dinner, baths and bedtime. Whew…barely a second to catch our breath, never mind laugh! The day ends with everyone seriously underdosed with joy. These kinds of days are typical, but 30

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everyone is happier when they get a dose of joy in the mix of even the busiest days. Motherhood seems to bring out the “Martha” in many women, myself included. We have huge demands on our time, and these demands are often overwhelming. Let’s take a look at the story of sisters Martha and Mary, as found in the Bible. These sisters, and their brother Lazarus, were all friends of Jesus. One afternoon, Jesus was in their village and so Martha invited him to their home for a meal. It became a wonderful time of fellowship, and many of Jesus’ followers gathered in their home to listen to Him. Martha was busy rushing about in the kitchen getting the food ready and serving her many guests, and where was her sister? She should have been helping, but instead she was seated among the others, listening to Jesus. I can imagine Martha, alone in the kitchen, slamming down a pot and muttering to herself. Martha was upset, indeed, and she approached Jesus and said, “Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Therefore tell her to help me.” I can feel the frustration in Martha’s voice. She was overwhelmed—alone and desperate for help. I’ve been there myself many a time. She pled to Jesus for justice. Jesus—God—is the embodiment of justice, but His answer surprised Martha, and might surprise you, too. He said, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things. But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her.” Wow! I can imagine that took a minute or two for Martha to understand and accept. Jesus had reminded her that He was more important than making sure that each guest had a refill of grape juice. This story is a wonderful reminder that the joys of life are often fleeting. It is best to take time for God and for the pleasures that He has

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provided for us in life, and to set our inner Marthas aside and experience the joy of living. God doesn’t want us to go through our lives miserable, our heads down, plowing through an impossible to-do list. If God had wanted robots, he would have created us that way! I can’t prove it, but I imagine that God Himself likes to laugh. Look at Zephaniah 3:17 (KJV): “The Lord thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing.” God joys over us with singing! That verse is a wonderful comfort to me, because it is a reminder that God is my creator, my Heavenly Father, and not an absent taskmaster. He is a loving Father, and if He takes the time to joy over me, a sinful child, I should certainly have the time to joy over my beautiful children. My greatest doses of joy in life come from the little things. Really! Like Naomi’s goodnight kisses. She puts so much gusto into puckering up her little lips and smacking them against our cheeks at night, that there is nothing in the world like it. When I’m away from home, accompanying Shawn on a trip, my favorite moment home, after the welcome home hugs, is Naomi’s good night kiss. Then there is the memory of the time that Natalie first laughed. I had her all bundled up in her snowsuit and we were ready to go somewhere with daddy. For some reason, Shawn was late picking us up, and so I was sitting on the bottom step on the stairs, bouncing her on my lap and singing “God told old Noah, to build him an arky, arky…” She was all smiles and then it happened…a giggle! My heart leapt for joy. I sang the song again and there was another giggle. By the time Shawn got there, Natalie and I

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were both laughing over and over. Natalie still has a really infectious giggle and it brings wonderful joy to my heart whenever I hear it. By nature I am not a goofy person. I love to laugh, but I’m rarely the person who initiates the silliness. I’ve been making a conscious effort to move myself out of my comfort zone, though, and into the silly zone. With both girls in school now, so much of my time with them is “scheduled” time where we have to conquer homework or chores, or something similar. So, I’ve been getting my joy doses in little bursts, wherever I can. Just before Christmas is the busiest time of the year for our family. One day this past year, the girls and I were all overtired and cranky. We were sitting at the table trying to get homework done. I had to hop up and work on dinner at one point. As I looked back at the kitchen table, their long faces and slumped shoulders seemed so wrong for such young kids. It was going to be Christmas soon, and we were all miserable. So, I forced myself WAY out of my comfort zone and in my most exaggerated British accent, I asked the girls if they would care for broccoli or carrots with their “tea” this evening. Their little faces lit up and their shoulders straightened. “Mommy,” asked Natalie, “was that YOU talking?” I replied, staying true to my newfound British character, “Yes, love. Would you care for a biscuit?” I kept up the silliness until bedtime, and all of our moods improved! I think we overdosed on joy that evening, if that is possible. Shawn is the expert in the silliness department. He loves to be Mr. Fun. He can make the girls giggle just by crossing his eyes or winking. They know that daddy equals fun, and he normally has no problem getting his daily dose of joy.

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On summer vacation a few years ago, we splurged a little and took the girls to Legoland. They enjoyed it, but daddy enjoyed it even more! We bought a big tub of Legos the next day and Shawn and the girls spent hours building houses, towers and even a lion. Shawn said that it was for them, but I know that he enjoyed playing with those Legos as much as they did. When Shawn is away, he will often call home and give the girls a little “silliness pep talk”—just enough to hold them over until he comes home! Journaling lets me experience my joys over and over again. Kids say the funniest things, and I could fill this entire volume with ones that just our two have come up with. I think of my journal as a joy journal, and over and over again, I get great joy reading the funny things that the girls have said. This is from one of my recent journal entries: Naomi was sick for a few days and hadn’t eaten anything, and so when I finally got her to eat some soup and a piece of bread for supper, I was thrilled. She mostly picked the potatoes out of her soup and left her bread crust on her plate and then asked, “Do I have to eat my crust, Mommy?” I replied, “No, not tonight honey.” “Wow,” she answered, “you’re way nicer to me when I’m sick!” I laughed then, and again every time I read it—getting a dose of joy every time!

❦ Preventive Medicine There are a few awkward situations in life that make us all uncomfortable, and here is one of them. You are at a friend’s house, or in a public place, and a child starts to misbehave. We’ve all been in that position before, haven’t we? The child misbehaving doesn’t usually bother me too much; I’m always just glad that it is not my child causing the scene that day. The awkward part begins when the parent either ignores the blatant rebellion, or comes down on the kid with a crushing blow to their spirit. I feel terribly uncomfortable when another parent is, in my opinion, unduly harsh with their child. I cringe and fidget and just want to be anywhere but there. It is terrible. Likewise, when the parent is conciliatory toward a rebellious child, I feel like screaming, “Would you please do something to make that kid stop?” Both extremes are awkward, and they typify why the subject of discipline is so complex and full of emotion. One parent’s definition of harsh might be another’s definition of lenient. Disciplining a child is like using preventive medicine! When a child is disciplined lovingly and consistently, he or she is being trained to be a good, moral and law abiding adult. Shawn and I don’t like to send our daughters to the corner, or to ground them from an activity, but we know that it is in their best interest. I can’t count how many times I have told them, “I don’t like to punish you, but it is my job, as your mommy, to help you to grow up to be 35

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a nice lady.” They hear it often, but they probably won’t understand until they are nice, grown up ladies! When doling out some preventive medicine, finding the balance is really important. Children are very trusting of their parents, and it is easy to crush their spirits if they are treated harshly. At the same time, it is our parental duty to provide them with a framework in which to live and act. I’ve certainly not been a model parent in this area, but my goal is simple. When disciplining our children, our motto is “kind but firm.” I have literally chanted these words to myself, teeth clenched, as I’ve faced a defiant little angel! Shawn and I are both strong-minded (read: stubborn) and, not surprisingly, so are our two offspring! When things get really heated with our girls, I send them to their rooms for a time out and, more often than not, it is because mommy needs a time out to think things over and cool down, too. Preventive medicine is part of the burdensome side of parenting. Finding the right balance, and consistently adhering to it, can make the difference between a happy home and a miserable one. “Kind but firm” is the balance that we are comfortable with in our home. There are many days when I wish that I didn’t have to discipline my girls. I wish that this preventive medicine would be a little less painful, or that maybe we could just skip it altogether. I know that if it were put to a vote, the girls would certainly relegate it to the history books. It is easier to not discipline. Consistent, fair discipline takes a lot of work. In the short term it is much easier to let things slide. Our children are only perfect when they are sleeping, and I regularly have to act as referee around our house. On innumerable occasions I have been in the middle of a task, answering an e-mail or getting dinner ready, when a

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fight breaks out upstairs. I hear Natalie holler, or Naomi squeal, and I cringe! I want to ignore it, pretend that I didn’t hear it and actually finish an entire job without an interruption. I wait awhile and see if they resolve it themselves, but if it continues, I wearily march upstairs and dish out a little preventive medicine. It would be so much easier to let it slide, but in my heart I know that I would be doing them a disservice. The consequences of fighting with your sister are much easier to take than the consequences of fighting with your boss. It is much better that they learn the consequences for their actions now, in the confines of a loving family, rather than later as an adult where, in the real world, long-term consequences are harsh. It is better that they learn not to “borrow” a toy from the kindergarten room, than to reap the consequences of stealing in the adult world. The Bible is clear when it says in Proverbs 13:24 (ESV): “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.” The idea of using a rod is unthinkable to most modern parents, but the principle is the same: if you fail to discipline your child, you are shortchanging them. Like anything worth having in life, taking the time for preventive medicine isn’t always easy, but it is the right thing to do. So, how do the roles of mom and dad differ when it comes to the issue of discipline? Typically, the dad is the “alpha male” in the family, and the children look to him for guidance and a strict adherence to the family rules of conduct. Perhaps this is because fathers have deeper voices and are generally less involved in the daily nurturing of children. The traditional role of the father gives him a

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voice of authority. In our family, Shawn is Mr. Fun! He loves to play and goof around, but he is also the final court of appeal when it comes to discipline. The girls know that when daddy asks something of them, he means it, and that disrespecting him is not an option. It is better that they learn to respect their parents now, than to learn the lesson later when disrespecting a police officer or a judge. The Bible has some very clear instruction for fathers. Ephesians 6:4 (ESV) says: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” God desires that fathers raise their children, teaching them in love how to be responsible adults, and also to learn of God and His love. The mother’s role in teaching and correcting the children is equally important. We work together to provide a consistent and united front. With Shawn gone so often, the bulk of the correction and teaching of the girls becomes my responsibility. Sometimes I feel like I have to be the big meanie, and then he comes home and gets to be the fun parent! My feelings aside, I know that it is important that our family expectations and rules are consistent, even when daddy isn’t home. My approach to specific situations might be different from his, because by my nature I am the nurturing, caregiving parent, but the principles that I follow are the same. Also, the children know that daddy stands behind my decision, even if he is not home. From my point of view, it is unhealthy for one parent to undermine the wishes of the other. Preventive medicine is ineffective when children receive inconsistent, or contradictory doses! I have seen the pain and confusion that it causes.

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A child that grows up in a family where one parent disrespects and contradicts the other is learning to disrespect and belittle their future spouse. It sets the child up for an unhappy home life in the future, and it is a terrible inheritance. Consistent preventive medicine lovingly, kindly and firmly given by both parents gives the child an inoculation against future heartache. It isn’t always easy to administer, but the results last a lifetime. Proverbs 22:6 says: “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” This is a promise that we can claim and then cling to.

â?Ś Poisons When Naomi was just 20 months old, we moved from Toronto, Canada, to Southern California. It was a busy, stressful and exciting time. We had been unable to find a home here in California before we made our move, and so we put all of our things in storage in Toronto, and moved on faith. God was working mightily, and before the girls and I had even arrived, Shawn had already found us a house! We had to wait for a month until we could move into it, and so we gladly accepted the kind invitation of friends to stay in their home while we waited. It was hectic with escrow paperwork, immigration paperwork, and Shawn starting a new job. One evening, I agreed to prepare dinner while the rest of the adults were at work. I was busy in the kitchen when I suddenly realized that the house was VERY quiet. I went to check on the girls and found Natalie quietly looking at a picture book. Good! Then, I found Naomi. She was sitting on the bathroom floor, a half eaten pill in her hand. I panicked! I plunged my fingers into her mouth to see if more were inside, but her mouth was empty. I grabbed the little pill and saw that very little had been eaten, and looking at her shirt, probably not swallowed, but spit out. The pill was an adult extra strength Tylenol. I still donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know where exactly they came from, but there were a few loose pills on the bottom of the open drawer beside her, and I had no way of knowing how many she had eaten. 40

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I wasn’t ready to take a chance, and so I phoned Shawn right away. He was back shortly and we took Naomi to the ER. A blood test, and an ECG later, we discovered that she was just fine. None of the Tylenol had made it into her system. Praise God! It was only once we were sure that she was okay that the nurse told me, “She is a lucky little girl. A Tylenol overdose in young children can be fatal.” I prayed to God that night and praised him for keeping our baby out of harm’s way, and for saving her from the poison! Poisons are all around our children. The physical poisons are usually quite easy to control. When the children are little, we keep the poisons locked up and out of their reach. When they get a little older, we teach them to read labels, and not to touch anything with a skull and crossbones on the label. The poisons that are much more evasive, and eternally harmful, are the ones that poison the soul. The modern world is full of them: inappropriate television programs, explicit ads in stores and on the Internet, and materialism in every shape, size and color. Spiritual poisons permeate our modern world and are impossible to completely avoid. Television can be both a blessing and a poison. I cannot say that all television is poisonous, of course, because we use television to tell the world about God and His love each week. Any medium that allows this work to be done cannot be all bad. Television, however, is much different than it was even just one generation ago. When Shawn and I were children, we both remember having two channels and, sometimes, if you wiggled the rabbit ears just right, you could get three. Most of the programming was appropriate for the family to watch, and the inappropriate stuff was at least relegated to the later time slots, or cable channels. Most of what we watched seems harmless by today’s standards. The standards for acceptable family viewing

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have changed dramatically, and they put the modern parent in a unique position. Often, even when a family friendly program is playing, the advertisements are hideously inappropriate, and it makes me feel like there is just no way to win! The children in many “kids” programs are whiny, mouthy, cutting class, and making fun of their parents. This kind of poison may seem innocent, but it is harmful, nonetheless. The Internet is no better. Natalie figured out long ago that certain websites play long TV clips. You may be one of the rare families in North America that has banished the TV from your home, but most of us have at least one in the house. It can be a vehicle for good, and so the question becomes, how do we control it? What is educational and innocent, and which programs are poisonous? The first choice has to be to control what kind of TV comes into the house. We decided we didn’t need all 7,000 channels that the cable guy wanted to sell us. There are options. On our satellite system there is a family package that offers only family appropriate channels. No matter the package or lineup that you choose, it is really easy nowadays to block inappropriate channels from little eyes, and really there is no excuse not to. We have a few favorite family TV shows that we are comfortable with watching, but more often than not, when we sit down to watch something, we choose a DVD. There are so many fantastic programs on DVD nowadays, that our girls get to grow up watching Little House on the Prairie and The Waltons. I’m just a little bit too young to remember The Waltons, and so I am learning to love it right along with them! When it comes to TV and the Internet, it has helped me to remember who is the boss! I am still the parent, last time I checked, and I have the right to say “no” to certain

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programs, and to decide whether or not the TV comes on. Children are not the best judges of what kind of, and how much, TV they watch, or how many games they play on the Internet. I have found that careful guidance is really necessary. During the school year, our TV rarely comes on during weekdays. Life is just too busy. I’ve had a hand in this, too, because the first infraction of the week, and the first dose of preventive medicine that I dole out is the loss of TV privileges. It is the first thing to go! It is difficult to negotiate TV privileges with an emotional child, but it is very important. Just like we put the cleaning supplies up high when children are little, TV viewing needs parental monitoring! Natalie has always loved to dress up and look pretty. It just seems to be a part of her genetic makeup. When she was barely two years old, a friend traveled to Brazil and brought her back a beautiful little dress. It fit her to a T and came down to her ankles. As Natalie was twirling in her new dress and admiring herself in the mirror, Shawn and I giggled. “Natalie,” Shawn teased, “are you vain?” Natalie batted her eyelashes at herself in the mirror and quickly replied, “I’m not vain. I’m gorgeous!” We’ll probably still be teasing her about that one when we’re 80. Natalie has a natural love for pretty, sparkly things, and most of the time this is innocent and sweet—but not always, because our modern world is so incredibly geared toward materialism. Our kids are exposed to a lot more stuff than we ever were just a generation ago. Having more stuff is not the road to happiness, but our materialistically oriented world seems to teach kids that it is! We live in Southern California, arguably the most materialistic society of our present age, and so it is a particular problem in our family. It is difficult to keep the children grounded, when the emphasis on “things” is all

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around them. Society’s modern materialistic expectations are so high. We don’t want to do without anything, and are willing to put ourselves into terrible debt to have everything that we want right away. This lifestyle can easily translate to our children, and can poison their sense of priorities. Since raising our daughters in a bubble isn’t an option, we talk to them a lot about making good choices. We talk freely about what it is like for families in other parts of the world, and about how blessed we are to live in the West and to have enough food to eat, and nice clothes to wear. There are a few constant challenges, though, like birthday parties. Some of their friends have nice, reasonable parties, but there have been a few that are just over the top! I don’t allow myself to feel the pressure to “compete,” but instead try to think creatively to give my girls memorable, but sane, parties. Naomi loves dogs and is particularly attached to a friend’s border collie, Kali. She wanted to have a doggy party, and since we don’t have a dog, we invited Kali to the party along with all of Naomi’s little friends. Her birthday is in the spring, and so the kids had a great time petting the dog, and playing an assortment of party games in the backyard—then chasing the dog all through the house! It was simple, but Naomi was very happy. Living in a materialistically obsessed world makes it difficult to keep our priorities straight, but it isn’t impossible. We had a good lesson in money priorities over Christmas break last year. It was one of those quiet, sleepy days between Christmas and the New Year, and the girls decided to draw pictures and set up an art gallery. The pictures were all for sale, of course, and the sales pitches began. They even offered commissioned originals; we could put in our orders. Shawn, always ready to encourage a little entrepre-neurship in his girls, gladly put in a couple

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of orders, and so did I. We were having fun, and Shawn was feeling generous. He sent the girls to their rooms to get their wallets. They ran upstairs, and Shawn got his wallet out, and was getting ready to pay them their price, plus a little bonus. Shawn’s generosity suddenly vanished when the girls appeared, and he discovered that they both had empty wallets! “Where is all of your money?” he asked, flabbergasted. “We both spent our money,” Natalie answered matterof-factly, Naomi nodding beside her. I must admit that I was at least a little to blame, because I had let them spend their money and had not kept track of how quickly it was going. Shawn took out the money for the art, but didn’t hand it over. He got out a little binder and a couple of envelopes, and set up an account sheet for each of them. The girls already understood what tithing is, but they got a little refresher course. Shawn put the money in the envelopes and it was decided that there was to be no more free spending of money, other than a little bit from their allowance each week, until they had each managed to save $100. This news did not go over well at first, but the girls have now taken up the challenge with gusto. At the time of this writing, three months have passed and they are getting close, but are still not there. I do believe that they are learning, though, and that they’ll probably always remember this. The poison of materialism is insidious, and it takes a little tough slugging to fight against it.

❦ Inoculations The world that our Creator made for us is full of wonder and beauty. It is also, sadly, full of disease and poison, and unless we live on a deserted island, our children are in contact with them every day. Our world was created as a perfect paradise. It was only after sin came into it that the disease and poison affected God’s perfect design. All that is still good in our world comes from God, and all that is bad is a result of sin. How do we as parents protect our children from the bad, and particularly from choosing the bad? An inoculation is the introduction of an antigen into the body to create immunity to a particular disease. So, what is the antigen against sin? Certainly, it is the love of God. God’s love is free and readily available as a daily inoculation against sin and the big bad world. In our family we have discovered a wonderful, free way to daily inoculate our children and expose them to the antigen. It is through family worship. Worshipping God daily, and as a family, is a wonderful way to inoculate children against the big bad world. Worshipping God together brings our family closer to each other, and closer to our Heavenly Father, too. Worship time is a safe, comfortable time to learn about God and what He has planned for our lives. It is a safe time for the family to talk about things, and to learn from each other. Natalie has an incredible memory, and when she hears something, she rarely forgets it. During worship time she 46

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loves to teach us what she has learned from the Bible at school. Family worship can take many different forms, and whatever is comfortable for your family is good. It probably shouldn’t be long, and it should focus on the Bible and on a time of prayer. It is not meant to be a burden, or a source of frustration or boredom for the children or the parents. It is never too early to start! We began reading Bible stories to the girls and folding their little hands inside of ours for prayer when they were less than six months old. We learned long ago to let go of the idealistic picture of family worship—the image of father in a red cardigan and seated next to the fire, mother by his side, and the children gathered round, sparkling clean and smiling. Modern families don’t usually fit into that picture perfect stereotype. Parents work shifts and travel, and children are not always sparkling clean or smiling! In our family, I lead out in family worship most days, and most days it is just the girls and me, because of Shawn’s work schedule. It isn’t ideal, but it is the reality! I challenge you to embrace your family’s plan for worship and, if you haven’t already, make it a part of your life. Every day. Over the years we’ve changed how we have worship from time to time. We’ve always had worship in the morning and the evening, but it has had a few different forms. When the girls were toddlers, I spent a little extra time with them at morning worship time. After breakfast, we would read a story, and often bring out props or do a craft to go with it. We were at home all day and it worked for us. The day would end with a story, then another Bible story and prayer at their bedside. It was our bedtime routine and it worked. The girls are older now, and both reading, and so we’ve changed things. Mornings are now crazy busy, and so we have our morning worship at the breakfast table as we’re

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finishing up our toast and juice. We take turns reading out of a devotional book and then another person prays. It is a short time, but it is very special. We have the chance to pray for each other, and uplift one another before we head out the door into the big bad world. We are drawn closer to God, and we are inoculated with His love. We have our evening worship around the dinner table, or in the family room if we have been lucky enough to eat out that night! We read a Bible storybook together. It isn’t always easy to find books that are at both Natalie and Naomi’s interest or reading level, and so we alternate. We read more books aimed at Natalie’s level, which I think is good for Naomi, but we do read books that are for Naomi’s age level, too. It is a time for the girls to practice their reading skills, to ask questions and to talk about whatever is important to them that day. We then close in prayer. At bedtime, Natalie has her own devotional reading time. She is eight now, and so she enjoys reading at bedtime and being in control of this time. We have given her the freedom to dictate her personal devotional time. This is an important part of her building a relationship with God for herself. Naomi is still pretty little and she still likes one of us to read to her and pray with her. I’ll be sad when this phase passes and she is independent, too! Our patterns of worship work for us right now, and when they stop working we’ll change it up, but we’ll continue to come to Him morning and night. A few years ago we started a fun tradition in our house. It is one that our girls love, and look forward to each week. Every Friday night, we have a special meal and eat it in the family room around the coffee table. We dim the lights, light the fire (if it is winter) and play soft music. The girls and I set the table with a tablecloth, candles and our good stemware. We enjoy finger foods, drink bubbly grape juice and, inspired by the Jewish tradition, eat Challah bread.

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Before we eat, though, Shawn leads out in family worship, and then has a special prayer for our girls. We linger around the table for quite some time after we’ve finished eating, and it is a special time. When we are away from home the girls miss it, and they even talk to each other in terms of one “Challah” to the next—meaning a week’s time. We didn’t plan for this to become a tradition in our family. We tried it once and we liked it, and so we tried it again the next week. This particular family worship routine is special to us because it works for our family. The modern world does have its wonderful technological advantages. When Shawn is away, he joins us for Friday night worship by Web camera. We set my laptop on the couch and it is almost like he’s there! Worship is also something that happens outside of the designated worship times. It is a time to draw closer to God, and to offer Him adoration and praise. It is a part of all that we do, day in and day out, and I love to find things in the world to praise and thank God for. Beautiful flowers, or a funny looking bird, are reminders of God’s love and creativity. We worship God in the small things in life, by talking to the girls about them, and sharing how God created them all for us. Corporate worship, in church, is also important to our family. I don’t believe that God intended for us to worship Him in a vacuum. He created all of us, His children, and He also made us social creatures. We can learn, be encouraged and be uplifted through fellowship with likeminded believers. A church family is an extension of the home, and offers a lot of antigens against the bad in the world. Personally, I have found that the friends I have made through my church family have helped me tremendously in my parenting experience. It has been very encouraging to have friends—who are going through the same things—

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that I can talk to and bounce ideas off of! It has also been helpful to have friends whose children are grown up, and to learn from their experiences. No church is perfect, it is made up of errant humans after all, but a Bible believing church is a wonderful place to let your children get another inoculation against the big bad world.

❦ Hypothermia As I write this, I am on an airplane and just beginning a long journey across the Pacific to get back home. As usual, before we took off, the safety video was played and instruction “in the event of an emergency” was given. Included in the safety demonstration was the usual reminder that should the cabin pressure fall, oxygen masks will appear above your seat. This always seems less than comforting to me for some reason! The video then reminded us all that “If you are traveling with someone who needs assistance, please secure your own mask first, and then you may assist others.” The video then showed a computer-animated mother, oxygen mask on, calmly assisting her smiling child. Whenever I hear this safety reminder, a little rebellion always bubbles up in my soul. “Yeah, right,” I think, “I would never put my own mask on first in an emergency!” I think that is the typical parental reaction to the situation. The children always come first, even at the cost of our own lives. That is how we are designed to feel about our precious offspring, and it is a God-given determination. Is it always the right choice, though? Well, in the case of a burning building, or a teeming river, I would gladly enter any scary situation to save the life of either of my children. I wouldn’t hesitate for a nanosecond, and I know that Shawn feels the same way. There may be some crazy-minded people who actually think that the airlines 51

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are right about the oxygen masks, too. There is one area, though, that our paternal desire to put our children—and every commitment and chore that comes with parenting— first is definitely wrong. This is in our spiritual lives. It can lead to spiritual hypothermia, which, like its physical equivalent, can be fatal. Hypothermia is a real concern and danger in cold climates, even today in our modern world. When we lived in the northern part of Canada, Shawn drove many miles between our three churches. Much of his driving was on quiet roads with little traffic, and so I worried about him a lot. In the winter, he always carried a sleeping bag, a candle, matches and a Coleman camping stove with fuel, in the back of our minivan. We knew that if he were to have a problem with the vehicle that these things could prevent hypothermia, and keep him alive until help came. Spiritual hypothermia isn’t only for those who live in cold climates! It sets in slowly and insidiously over time in the absence of the warmth of God’s love. It may take years or months, and one may sense it coming on, or a person might just wake up one morning and find themselves frozen to the warming rays of anything spiritual. God and His love never leave us; He is always with us. Deuteronomy 31:6 tells us: “Be strong and of good courage…for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.” Hypothermia sets in when we consciously, or unconsciously, neglect to spend time with Him. I think that parents are particularly prone to this problem, and that for the most part it is unconscious. We are just too busy! We have a million things to accomplish

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during the day, and then another thousand that we hurriedly squeeze in after the children are asleep! Our schedules are too tightly packed to allow us to take the time that we should to read the Bible and to pray. Not for the children, not to teach a class, but just for us. Just to feel the warmth of God’s love and thrive under His care. It is so easy to set it aside, and I certainly have been guilty of being neglectful of my spiritual life at different times. Life is hectic, and children by nature like to scramble our perfectly ordered routines and schedules. I always feel guilty when I take time for myself, too. The housework is never done, and there is always at least one item of clothing that needs repair. There is a verse in the Bible that makes me think that God really understands the nurturing part of the human heart. I feel that He understands what it is like to care for our children, even at our own expense. This verse talks about how God felt when the city of Jerusalem was being destroyed. Matthew 23:37 (KJV), says: “How often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings.” God understands the indescribable longing in a parent’s heart to care for and protect one’s children. We are His children and He feels that way about us. The results of spiritual hypothermia aren’t pleasant. They come on gradually over time and eventually leave you frozen and joyless. We are left to go through the motions of life, frustrated, feeling alone and unhappy. So, what are the benefits of a life full of the warmth of God’s love? The benefits are beyond my human capacity to understand fully, because they are innumerable. The Bible is full of inspiration and reassurances of God’s love, and one of my favorite verses is in Jeremiah 17, verses 7 and 8:

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“Blessed is the man [or woman] who trusts in the Lord, and whose hope is the Lord. For he [or she] shall be like a tree planted by the waters, which spreads out its roots by the river, and will not fear when heat comes, but its leaf will be green, and will not be anxious in the year of drought, nor will cease from yielding fruit.” In my life I have noticed that there are two things that if I make time for them—just for me—I seem to gain back the hours and minutes throughout the day. The accounting of time in debits and credits doesn’t seem to apply when I take time to pray and read my Bible, or when I take time to walk. Somehow these activities feed my soul so incredibly that I end up making up the lost time! I’m not sure if it is because I move faster the rest of the day, or if I just have a better attitude about not getting through my to-do list. I have often struggled with guilt over taking any time for myself in the day, but I recently came to a rather obvious, eye-opening conclusion. The best thing that I can give my children is a content, spiritually alive mother, and not a frozen, cranky one. No one wants to live in a home with a cranky parent, although that’s not to say that I don’t have my off days; I’m far from perfect! We all know, too, that children learn by observing us. They are incredibly perceptive little creatures, too, and they can discern whether we have the love of God warming us, or if we are frozen icicles, stiffly going through the motions. The wonderful part about it is that God gives us His warmth and love freely. We don’t have to be good enough, smart enough or good-looking enough to receive it. Like the sun’s warming rays, His love is free to all His children, and all we need to do is bask in it a little while. I don’t worry about physical hypothermia anymore, now that we live in a warm climate. God’s love and warmth have provided a happy shield against spiritual hypothermia, too.

❦ The Great Physician Parenting is so often about surviving one emergency after another. It is fast paced, hectic and pushes us into sensory overload! Shawn and I have found that there is absolutely only one way to survive this emergency. Visit the ER Doctor, and visit Him often. We don’t worry about the bill, because His is free! We visit Him daily, and take the kids along. The Doctor knows the whole family intimately. The Doctor is our coach, confidant, teacher, healer and Savior. The ER Doctor, of course, is the Great Physician, who is God Himself. It was God’s plan to allow us to become parents of His precious children. It is also His plan that we draw closer to Him, and learn more about Him by being parents. He is fully aware of each emergency that we encounter, and He uses each one to teach us more about Him, and to have us become closer to Him. I have learned so much about God by being a parent— things that I don’t think I could have comprehended any other way. God knew that, and so He allowed two darling little patience testers to enter my life! I have learned of God’s patience by experiencing my own patience and impatience with my children. When the girls first learn a new skill, it is so easy to be patient with them. I held their hands tightly as their wobbly little legs fought to take their first steps. I listened patiently for hours as they stumbled over syllables and sentences as they learned to read. 55

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I had an infinite amount of patience because I was full of love and joy at my children’s learning and discovery. That is how God is with us. He is full of joy and love and infinite patience. My own impatience has also taught me about God. So often my patience has grown short with my children when their behavior has been less than model perfect. Admittedly, I have even grown impatient with them when I was at fault and they were completely innocent, too. It is so very easy to do when tensions are high, sleep is lacking and I’m preoccupied. This has taught me so much about the character of God. How often I have given Him cause to become impatient with me. I have let Him down so often, and yet He is always patient and loving with me. His patience goes beyond what I deserve, and far beyond my understanding. God is love. As it says in John 3:16: “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.” God is love, and I am much better able to understand that now than I was nine years ago. From the moment I saw Natalie’s tiny fingers and toes swishing fuzzily on the ultrasound monitor, my heart was changed. I had only begun to experience a little piece of heaven. Parental love of a child is different from any other kind of love. God has taught Shawn and me so much about His love through our experiences as parents. There is nothing in this world that either Natalie or Naomi could ever do that would make Shawn or me stop loving them. Certainly, we could be disappointed or regretful, but that would not supersede the love that we have for them. They will always be our children, a part of us.

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This is a sinful world and, sadly, not every parent over the years has felt this way about his or her children. Yet, the fact that I, a sinful human being, am capable of loving my children so fully, allows me to see the scope of God’s love. The intense love that we feel for our girls is nothing in comparison to the love that God has for each of His children. His love is deeper than a mother’s love. His love is stronger than a father’s love. God’s love is unconditional. There is nothing that any of His children could ever do to make Him stop loving them. Anything. Ever. It is an awesome thought. There are a few especially poignant parenting memories that Shawn and I will never forget. They are preciously tucked away in our memory banks and make us beam from ear to ear when we remember them together. They are the joys that we share in our daughters’ accomplishments. Not the big things; they are only eight and five, so they’ve obviously not graduated from Harvard or Yale yet! We rejoice in their small, meaningful accomplishments. It has given us a taste of how God cheers for us, and joys in our accomplishments. When Natalie was three months old, Shawn and I just could not wait until she rolled over. We would place her baby blanket on the living room floor, or the bedroom floor, and cheer her along as she tried and tried. She was always a determined little thing, and she would throw one of her tiny little legs over and try and try. Finally, one day, we were watching and coaxing her and suddenly, she did it! She rolled from her side to her tummy all by herself. We looked at each other with utter joy and amazement. We cheered and cried; we were ecstatic. An outsider might have thought that we were crazy, but our hearts were full of joy. Just a few months ago, I was down in the kitchen tidying up, when Shawn’s voice beckoned me upstairs. It was a day

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off and he and the girls had been goofing off upstairs for a while. I went upstairs, and was met by Shawn’s delighted face. “Did you know that Naomi can read?” he asked me, absolutely glowing with joy. “Well,” I corrected, “she’s learning to read. I mean she’s got a lot of words down.” Shawn furrowed his eyebrows at me and motioned for me to sit down. “Naomi,” he said, “read Mommy the book you just read me.” Sparkling with pride, Naomi opened up an old book we picked up somewhere over the years. It was a first grade reader. Shocked, I listened as she flawlessly read the first two pages. “You helped her,” I whispered. “I did not,” Shawn insisted. Quietly, we listened to our baby read us the entire book. We cheered and cried when she was finished. It was another time of incredible joy! Oh, how God must joy over our accomplishments. Parenting is a challenge. It is often a chore. Parenting has a lengthy job description that includes changing wet sheets at 2 a.m., and consoling a crying infant on long overseas flights. It includes packing lunches that are guaranteed to come home only half-eaten and, eventually, it includes letting our children go. It includes more emergencies than any of us thought possible before we took on the task! Parenting is also full of the things that matter most in this world. It is full of joy and love. Parenting is part of God’s plan to draw us closer to Him, and to teach us about Him. We have been blessed by this privilege.

❦ Emergency Quick Reference Guide In case of the following emergencies, try the suggestions below: Fever: The very next request that someone makes of your time, say “no.” Be careful—the request will likely be for something important, interesting and something that cannot go on without you. Still, say “no.” Fractures and Sprains: Swallow your pride and say sorry. Hug. Repeat! Isolation: Put on headphones, close your eyes and listen to a favorite inspirational song. You’re never far away from God. Underdosing on Joy: Find a kindergartener and ask him or her to tell you a joke. Laugh, and then try the joke on your spouse later! Preventive Medicine: For a whole day, say “no” when you know that it is the right answer, and say “yes,” even when the request might be inconvenient. Poison: Unplug the TV and declare it “broken” for a whole week, or longer if you dare. Inoculations: Take family worship outside, whether the weather is warm or freezing, and find something new to be in awe of God for. Hypothermia: Give yourself the gift of an hour alone with your Bible, even if you have to lock yourself in the bathroom to be uninterrupted. 59

❦ Emergency Help from the Great Physician To Find Peace John 14:27 — “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” Proverbs 15:16-17 — “Better is a little with the fear of the Lord, than great treasure with trouble. Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a fatted calf with hatred.” 1 Peter 5:6-7 — “Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.” Romans 15:13 — “Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Isaiah 32:17 — “The work of righteousness will be peace, and the effect of righteousness, quietness and assurance forever.”

To Fight Loneliness Isaiah 41:10 — “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” Proverbs 18:24 — “A man who has friends must himself be friendly, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” 60

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James 4:8 — “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” Psalm 27:10 — “When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me.” Matthew 28:20 — “…lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”

To Manage Time Pressures Proverbs 16:3 — “Commit your works to the Lord, and your thoughts will be established.” Psalm 37:5 — “Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass.” Matthew 11:28 — “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Proverbs 3:5-6 — “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.”

To Fight Worry John 14:1 — “Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me.” Philippians 4:6-7 — “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Colossians 3:15 — “And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful.”

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Philippians 4:19 — “And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.”

To Grow Stronger Spiritually Psalm 119:28 — “My soul melts from heaviness; strengthen me according to Your word.” Isaiah 40:31 — “But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.” John 5:39 — “You search the Scriptures, for in them you think you have eternal life; and these are they which testify of Me.” Matthew 5:6 — “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled.” Jeremiah 15:16 — “Your words were found, and I ate them, and Your word was to me the joy and rejoicing of my heart; for I am called by Your name, O Lord God of hosts.”

To Find Forgiveness for Mistakes 1 John 1:9 — “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” John 3:17-18 — “For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved. He who believes in Him is not condemned; but he who does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.”

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Psalm 103:12 — “As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.” John 5:24 — “Most assuredly, I say to you, he who hears My word and believes in Him who sent Me has everlasting life, and shall not come into judgment, but has passed from death into life.” 1 John 3:20 — “For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things.”

To Find Joy Psalm 16:11 — “You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” Psalm 31:24 — “Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all you who hope in the Lord.” Isaiah 55:12 — “For you shall go out with joy, and be led out with peace; the mountains and the hills shall break forth into singing before you, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.” Psalm 33:21 — “For our heart shall rejoice in Him, because we have trusted in His holy name.”