Ir-Raba’ Vista

Hanging up the habit

by George Grima

Convent life is far from a routine of waking, praying, eating and sleeping. This ex-nun’s unexpected leave serves to challenge these conceptions.

Upon the interviewee’s wish to share her story anonymously, a placeholder name was used instead of the original name.

“No I never felt I was meant to be a nun.” No one ever pushed 24-year-old Erica into the convent life, but there she stayed for 6 years until she felt it was her time to move on. She had nothing but kind words for her sisterhood and still considers them close friends one year after her leave. The sisterhood was just another family to her; bigger and more spiritual perhaps, but a family nonetheless. All Erica ever wanted was to belong, and the convent seemed to have fit her aspirations completely.

Before Erica got to a place where she would even consider sisterhood as an actual option, she suffered through traumatic events, and she had to overcome obstacles that left her questioning her faith, her existence and life in general.

“There was a time in my life when I proclaimed myself an atheist … I questioned everything in religion and actually believed a world without God would be better.”

All she wanted was to belong and these experiences made this even harder for her. At the age of 12 she was having existential crises, while a year later she had started contemplating the meaning of life and the presence of God. Her friends were still scraping their knees and worrying about homework. They could not possibly understand what she was going through.

Erica trudged through her issues alone, until she could delve into spirituality again with a renewed maturity. She had to sharpen her adult thinking earlier than her peers, and in a sense, she matured before them. She took advantage of her situation and did not look back in regret over her ‘lost youth’.

“I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Luckily, it’s in my character to be dynamic, adaptable, to make the most of the situation you are in.”

The penchant for the convent may have not always been there, but altruism was always at Erica’s core growing up. Whether it was neighbours in need or lonesome elders, she always went out of her way to help. As she grew into her teens and surpassed her trauma, Erica started realising how much she strived to be with others and avoided being alone, which eventually led to her joining a youth group. From thereon, it was a journey of self-discovery and the vocational life eventually seemed to be more and more in line with what Erica wanted from life.

Of course the decision to become a nun is never a rash one. Thinking it is the life for you is merely the tip of the iceberg which is the sacrifice of convent life. You essentially leave your life behind for a new wardrobe, new home, and new family. Aspiring nuns are faced with a rigorous process of discernment once they cross the convent threshold to really gauge the vocation in all its tangents and ascertain it is the life for them. Erica was sure of herself. In retrospect life with her sisters was bliss.

“There are prayer times, fun times, hard times and sick times – there’s everything, like with any other family.”

The hard times for the sisterhood were especially draining because their work had them deal with families in tough situations. But as they would toil together as sisters, they would also have fun together. Saturday nights served to bring the community closer together. The praying would be put aside for the time being, and it would be all board games, movies, and barbeques, nothing you wouldn’t find in any typical suburban family home. The annual Eurovision night was also a favourite with the older nuns at the convent.

For Erica, the work she did was what she had signed up for; the altruism and belonging. What she did not pre-empt was her struggle with the public perception of nuns and religion in general. As a nun she felt less approachable. People would treat her as some higher being, putting her on a pedestal closer to God saying things like “sister please pray għax it-talb tiegħek jasal”. Convent life was simply a different lifestyle to her. Erica struggled with people’s expectations because she constantly strived for an unattainable perfection. In reality there is no formula to becoming a nun.

“I’ve met some pretty crazy characters that have you saying “tipo ‘Wow din daħlet soru?’”

The beauty of a convent is all the different personalities that call it their home. Everyone comes from vastly diverse experiences which led them to the convent’s doorstep. Everyone has their own special something to bring to the sisterhood. So when a new sister joins it’s a new friend, a new family member. When a sister leaves, it’s a loss, a grieving process.

“My leaving was hurtful to a couple of people because to them, it’s a loss.”

It was not an overnight decision to leave her new life behind. What started as a worrisome thought at the back of her mind developed into a need that she had to tackle. Between spiritual guidance and daily prayer, Erica managed to come to terms with her decision. However, it was the friendships that she had fostered which pushed her over the obstacles. Her sisters’ grieved her leave immensely, but they understood her decision and supported her with everything she needed to move on with her life.

Each nun’s experience is different. There were some that left unresolved issues when leaving and the scar left was deeper. Erica left without regret and her friendships from the convent are still going strong one year on. She promised a life of service and meant it, but her journey was not over once she entered the convent. The discernment continued and with God by her side she pursued her path to self-discovery – a path which traversed the convent walls.

“I feel like my years in the convent were almost like having a break from this world for a couple of years until I managed to find myself.”

A 32-year-old Erica has hung up the habit just over a year ago now. She still prays regularly, has friends from the convent and has pictures as a nun up on her Facebook. She also makes her own plans, works office hours and is in a committed relationship.

People sitting on the bus beside her no longer open up like crazy to her because of what she wears. It’s just Erica now.