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Saturday, September 14, 2013 • Daily News

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Dating disasters all lack action

ear Amy: I’m just past 40 and have been divorced for three years. I’ve briefly dated a handful of guys, all of whom I met through work or friends. None of these mini-relationships have ended well — most barely started — but all have one striking similarity: The men are happy to go to lunch or dinner with me but balk at spending any “quality time” together. When I invite these men to join me for something as simple as an afternoon bike ride, the response is always either: 1) a flimsy excuse, with no follow-up by suggesting another activity, 2) hedging (one guy responded to my invitation with, “Will it take long?”), or 3) complete silence — they ignored the request altogether. None of these guys has ever initiated an activity date. I find this behavior incredibly rude and frustrating. How can people get to know each other if they don’t spend time together? I’m not sleeping with these guys, so what do they get out of just having dinner? Has dating changed so much that this is considered totally acceptable? For all these men, I cut it off once it was clear it was going nowhere, but now I feel the pattern will just repeat itself and I shouldn’t bother going out at all. — Dazed and Confused Dear Dazed: For most people, sharing a meal is an appropriate way to get to know and connect with someone. Some men actually enjoy conversation and a good meal, even if they don’t have sex afterward! Imagine that! I believe you have a valid point, but rather than try to change every man you encounter, the smart thing to do is to look at this established pattern and then look in the mirror — and see what you can do differently. You are lumping all these men into the same category and judging them harshly. Perhaps they sense they are being tested when you throw down the idea to go on a bike ride, or they are terrified about being trapped with you in a context where they can’t simply ask for the check and flee. The most obvious solution is for you to join clubs or engage in activities where you will meet people who have the energy and desire to be active and adventurous.

ear Amy: Our son has been dating a young woman for about a year. He brought her home for dinner during the holidays, and shortly thereafter we received a gift card from her for $150. In the enclosed note, she thanked us for the dinner and stated that she hoped that we would enjoy her gift. We’re not sure how to respond to this. Your thoughts, please? — Unsure Dear Unsure: My in-box is full of letters written by people frustrated by the lack of gratitude expressed by people in their lives. The flip side is a thank-you that is so outsized it makes the recipient uncomfortable (I assume that is the case with you). I don’t think it’s appropriate to return this gift; accept it graciously in the spirit with which it is offered. You can assume that this young woman erred by going overboard because she is eager to impress you. Consider yourselves impressed and respond kindly by writing her a note or email to say, “We were so surprised to receive your extremely generous thank-you gift. That was very thoughtful and sweet of you. Please know that in the future you needn’t ever thank us by sending a gift. It is truly a pleasure to get to know you, and we are always happy to offer our hospitality. We look forward to seeing you again very soon.”

CRYPTOQUIP

ear Amy: I’m responding to the letter from “Unsure,” whose friend hit on his wife. If he has to now watch his friend like a hawk, the sun may already be setting on the relationship with his wife. It seems to me a frank conversation between Unsure and his wife is called for immediately. This four-way friendship, at any rate, is doomed. — Experienced Dear Experienced: I fear you may be right. Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.

Jacqueline BIGAR’S STARS HAPPY BIRTHDAY for Saturday, Sept. 14, 2013: This year you feel unusually fortunate, and you’ll manifest what you want. Your desires might not arrive in the form that you think they should, but it will happen nonetheless. Be careful what you wish for, as you are likely to receive it. CAPRICORN could be very attracted to you. Proceed with care. The Stars Show the Kind of Day You’ll Have: 5-Dynamic; 4-Positive; 3-Average; 2-So-so; 1-Difficult ARIES (March 21-April 19) **** Others look to you for their plans. Be ready for a lot of changes and good times. You flex well and know how to adjust. Someone will become very contrary. Your creativity could help loosen up others — especially this person. Tonight: Watch a spontaneous party begin. TAURUS (April 20-May 20) **** Make calls early in the day. You will want to readjust your schedule, so make that OK. Conversations could evoke many different thoughts. Listen to someone’s words, and you will gain more insight into what is happening in his or her mind. Tonight: Choose a movie. GEMINI (May 21-June 20) ***** You will be happiest dealing with one person at a time. You usually feel good around a close loved one, though he or she can be rigid at times. Your flexibility might be needed in order to help this person process his or her feelings. Tonight: Visit over dinner at a new restaurant. CANCER (June 21-July 22) *** You might want to see a situation differently, but you could experience difficulty getting to the bottom of the matter. Someone you care about might put up a wall that you can’t seem to break down. If you give this person some space, he or she probably will come forward. Tonight: Out and about. LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) *** Get into a favorite game. Exercise will reduce tension levels. A dear loved one might start discussing something that he or she always has wanted to have happen. You will be inclined to manifest this desire. The two of you will become much closer as a result. Tonight: Pace yourself. VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) **** Your imagination speaks. Others respond in kind and share their thoughts as well. A loved one might surprise you with a choice involving a goal that might not be totally grounded in reality. You have the gift of practicality. Can you make it happen? Tonight: Hang loose. LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) *** Stay close to home. You have much to do, like convincing a family member of the rightness of an idea that could influence both of your personal lives. A male friend could push you hard to go along with his idea. Don’t be afraid to say “enough.” Tonight: Settle in. Make it easy. SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) **** Listen to what is going on behind the scenes. You know what is acceptable, and you know your limits. The wise move at this time would be to not push too hard and to let matters fall as they may. Do not interfere with a child or loved one. Tonight: Head to a favorite haunt. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) *** Curb a tendency to overindulge, regardless of how difficult it might be. Look at the ramifications, then decide. You could be missing a major point concerning a financial decision. Do not make any commitments at this present moment. Tonight: Pick up the tab for dinner. CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) **** Others seem to be very enthusiastic, no matter what idea you throw out. You could be exhausted by everything that is going on. Remain sure of yourself, yet process new information. A misunderstanding could happen far too easily. Be careful. Tonight: Out on the town. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) *** Sometimes you enjoy vanishing and letting the chips fall as they may. You want and need privacy more than most other signs do. Try not to worry about what others think. Get into a major project where you can burn off some excess energy. Tonight: Do only what you want. PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) **** Surround yourself with friends, whether you’re at a sports event or off at your favorite haunt. Somehow you’ll feel far more upbeat as a result. News from an important loved one could toss you into an ambivalent moment. Worry about this later. Tonight: You are the party.

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