Everyday Life-Methadone vs. Heroin The only way I can think to express the differences between Methadone and Heroin, is to write daily about the different effect each of them have on me. I don’t know how long this chapter will last, or if it will be beneficiary to anyone. I am hoping that if anything ever does happen to me, this book can be published to help others that are in my same predicament. This chapter in no way pertains to everyone. Every person is different, therefore different treatments should be explored for each individual. There are no miracle cures, but miracles do happen all the time. Unfortunately for most people, addiction is a lifetime battle that is usually only over when the user loses their life. Today is the day before Halloween, like most days on methadone, yesterday I slept all day and then stayed up all night. It is Friday morning, about 8 am, after I finish writing this I will sleep the day away. I am very hopeful, because tomorrow is my day to get high. This week has dragged on, not only did I sleep away most of my days, but I have become accustom to taking ‘over the counter’ sleeping pills, so I slept away a couple of the nights also. It is all I can do to make it through the week. Well, today actually took a turn for the better. About 2 pm, I was awoke by a phone call. On the other end of the line was an offer. If I could pick this person up, they would get me high for the night. I was out of bed and dressed within minutes, within the next hour, I was at another friends house downtown getting high. Within a phone call my whole disposition had gone from being depressed and sleeping all day, waiting for tomorrow; to being happy and ready to hang out and have a good night. I have no idea what the future holds for this weekend, but I must say if it is anything like the end of today, I will be very happy. I better not get my hopes up though, the one thing I have learned about planning happy weekends is, that it is the one way to end up very disappointed. The only thing I know is, if it is as good as tonight was, it is going to be a very good weekend. I should be able to get a lot of work done. Here it is now Sat. night, I must say this daily writing is going to take me a while to get use to. Let me first start off by thanking God for this great day, I truly believe that putting my faith in God has had a real positive effect on my life. Even though I have this addiction, my faith in God has helped me. I will tell you that when I’m not high I find it hard to keep faith in myself, but when I’m high I am totally different. Today started out just as planned, everything went really smooth. In fact, the only problem I’ve had all day was not being able to urinate. For some reason when you get really good dope, it is really hard to take a piss! Let me just say that I got high at about 3:30 pm, and it is now 12:41 am and I still haven’t gone yet!!! Other than that, it has been a very productive day. I went outside and started to clean the gutters, even though it started raining a little bit I was able to finish without any problems. After the gutters, I came inside and was helping my mom clean and work around the house. We were getting ready for Halloween tonight and before I knew it, the first kids had arrived. Even though we didn’t really put up any Halloween decorations, my mom loves to sit outside and wait for all the kids. It’s something she has done for years. I’m telling you, when we still had the motor home, she would pull out the awning and make a whole big event out of Halloween. Now she just turns off every light in the house and sits out on
the porch. Halloween lasted till about 8:30, but off coarse after you bring everything in and call it a night, there is always one or two stragglers that show up. It’s always like twenty minutes to a half an hour after everything has gotten quiet. Happens every year, I don’t know which is worse, that or the 16 yr old trying to act 12; most of the time they don’t even bother dressing up. Everything settled down, so I went ahead and made dinner for mom and the cat. After dinner, I went and got the laundry, folded it and put it away. I know all this sounds boring and your probably saying to yourself, “who cares, aren’t you suppose to do these things anyway?” “Why would I want to read this crap?” You know, I completely agree, people should do these things no matter what, and that is the major problem. When I’m not high and just on methadone, I can’t bring myself to do the simplest of things. I try and try, but I can’t even force myself to do something simple and boring. I think the one thing I do force myself to do is cooking dinner, it is the one thing I can bring myself to do no matter what. If you ask me though, this is a horrible existence. A person shouldn’t have to force themselves to live. It should just be a natural part of life. This is the main reason I say I should be ministered medical heroin daily! I should be able to live everyday happy and productive. If I can prove one thing in this chapter, it is the difference I face between methadone and heroin. It is now Monday night, Sunday was rainy and non-productive, unfortunately I woke up Monday got my dose of methadone and went right back to bed. I did get to watch Joel Osteen on Sunday, so it wasn’t really a total waist. The major problem with rainy, non-productive days is that I still feel pretty good from getting high, so I tell my mom things like ‘oh we can just those things tomorrow.’ Unfortunately, when tomorrow comes, the methadone has taken over and now I have my mom asking me to do all these things. I swear I want to, I just can’t seem to get myself out of bed. My mom always is asking me to save dope when it is rainy, she just doesn’t understand that it is almost impossible to save heroin. With me, there are some drugs that I can save, weed, most pills, and even methadone are real easy to save. In fact, I’ve kept weed and pills (mostly benzo’s) so long before that forgot I had them. Especially benzo’s, I usually only keep those around for when I can’t sleep. They actually do come in handy during the week, but so do regular sleeping pills, so either or, as long as I have something to help me sleep I’m fine. I must admit that when I got the idea to write this chapter, documenting the difference between methadone and heroin, I figured it would be interesting. Now I realize that writing how each effects me day by day is pretty boring stuff, not to mention it would be a lot of the same feelings over and over. So now I figure I’ll just come back every few days and add different thoughts here and there. I promise I’ll try my best to not get too monotonous or too boring. The one problem, well not a problem to me, is that I’ve been high either every day or every night. So I’ve been pretty happy with this week. Also, I’ve actually accomplished most of my weekend choirs that I didn’t get to finish this weekend because of rain. Other than that, I don’t really have too much else to add. Sorry, I don’t know what else to say, happiness does make it hard to write for some reason… I think writing is basically something a person does when they are depressed. I mean look at most of the famous poets, they were all messed up one way or another. I used to write song after song before I started doing dope, but then, with dope I was always too happy to write, so I
stopped. I worked a lot, and became a productive member of society, but creatively, I shut down. I think that is one of my biggest struggles, the only problem with creativity is your mainly only worth something after you die. Where as when you work everyday you seem productive, but in the end you have no ‘great work’ that can become a masterpiece. So it is, another weekend has come and gone. It turned out to be very productive, I chopped up an old stump in the backyard. I found this big grub that had bore it’s way through the wood. It must have been four inches long, I didn’t know those things could chew through wood like that. I had only laid the piece of wood down for ten minutes and there was this big pile of sawdust, like what a planer would leave behind, it was amazing. After the stump, mom and I did our leaves, pick up was on Monday, so they had to be done. Our yard is pretty big, but the front is all down hill, so it wasn’t too bad. Here it is already Thursday, the week has been a complete loss, once again I had a great weekend, followed by being completely useless. My great achievement so far was fixing tacos on Tuesday for us to eat, oh yeah and making meatballs last night to go into the spaghetti. It took me everything I had to write this. I usually can force myself to write something after I get home from the methadone clinic, before I become completely useless again and go to sleep. Isn’t my life great, I know, it could get worse, so I am grateful, I just need help, but not sober help, heroin help. If it isn’t obvious by now, read on, it’s a constant cycle. Only, when I don’t get high, it gets worse! Well, I made it(barely) to Friday, hopefully tomorrow will be the start of another great weekend. Here I am, again, struggling to write, just got back from the clinic, but have absolutely nothing to say. Last night I slept until about 8:30 pm. I did watch the outsiders, I haven’t seen that movie in years, it still holds up great. Other than that, I still haven’t accomplished anything. I know things could be a lot worse for me, but the hard thing is mainly that I also know they could be a lot better for me! The worse part is, that I know how to make it better, I just can’t. I know, I know, I am being a broken record, but until I find a way to fix things, or I die, I guess I have no choice. Once again, it is Monday morning. The weekend has come and gone. I must state that it was a pretty disappointing weekend. Even though I managed to get high on Saturday night, I didn’t have anything to wake up to on Sunday. So my weekend was a waist, nothing was accomplished. Believe me, I had counted on Sunday to do a much needed brake job on my truck, I’ve had the pads since Tuesday, but rain and methadone have prevented me from the task. Yesterday would have been perfect, it was 70° and sunny, but of coarse, the one time I really need to get high, I can’t! Not only are my brakes still not done, but now I’m going to have a very long week ahead of me. I have a feeling things are going to get really bad this week. I was right, here it is Friday and other than going to the clinic, I have accomplished absolutely nothing! My brakes pads are still sitting in my room and I can’t think of one productive thing I‘ve done, well except maybe writing this, right now. Believe me, after I finish this I am definitely going to go straight to bed! On Tuesday night, I even took sleeping pills and still didn’t sleep, that was real fun! It has gotten so bad that people have called offering to give me some dope if I drive them to get it and I don’t even want to bother. I know that it will just be a tease and totally disappointing, then I would be even worse off. I really don’t know how much farther I can go. I already have to look up to hit rock bottom. I know everyone is either blaming the drugs or saying that it’s my fault and I need to grow up, but if that is the case, then I am really screwed!!!
What else can I say, maybe my fate is to die before forty. I really don’t see much else happening. Who knows? I guess if things were meant to change, they will. I’m only worried that they will change for the worse, I mean rock bottom always has a trap door. I know I have to get out of myself, I just really don’t know how. Maybe the Psych ward is my next home, maybe I’ll get lucky and things will get better. Maybe this, maybe that, only time will tell. Let me just start off by saying that things got really bad! It has been 10 days since I last wrote anything, last weekend I couldn’t get high, at all! First off, let me just say I finally got my brakes done, but I didn’t do them until yesterday(Sunday)! I did manage to get lucky and last Thursday was Thanksgiving, believe me, I learned that I have a lot to be thankful for! All the way up to Wed. night, I was losing hope, things were getting really bad. I had completely given up, not only on getting dope, but on getting through the next day. Luckily, I woke up on Thanksgiving and my mom was able to scrape up some money for me. I quickly made my way downtown, which by the way, went really smooth. I was back home and high within the hour. I quickly got ready and we made our way to our friends house for dinner, which by the way, I told my mom there was no way I could go anywhere without being high. Believe me, it wasn’t a threat, it was just me being honest, if I had tried to go anywhere in the condition I was in before I got high, I would have ruined Thanksgiving for everyone! As it turned out, this Thanksgiving was really special. I know it was only because I got high and most people would say that it isn’t true happiness, but I know different. My attitude is still completely different, not to mention, at Thanksgiving, when everyone else was getting ready to sit around in front of the T.V., I was still at the table, Cleaning up and doing dishes, and I must say, I was very happy to do it. So if that is false happiness, I will take it!!!! The next few days turned out to be very productive, since it was so close to the end of the month, my mom took a gamble and got me some money for the weekend. I was also lucky enough to have a friend call with some work. So, Sat. and Sun I did my brakes, cleaned out the gutters and took care of some other choirs. I was so happy, my supply even carried me over into Mon., I raked up some leaves and cooked some dinner, unfortunately it started raining, so I was unable to finish the leaves. So today, I’m back on the methadone, and I’m finding it really hard not to go straight to bed. And once again, here I am, it is now Monday. I guess I should have called this my weekly update, because that is what it is turning out to be. Last week wasn’t too bad, but by Thursday I was back to the same thing, sleep all day, and up all night. I must say that I have been trying to fill my nights with education. I’ve always loved German and wanted to learn how to speak it. Unfortunately, after six months or so, I can’t really speak German, but I am getting to the point where I can understand by reading it. This weekend was one of the better ones, I must admit. Let me start off by saying that it actually snowed in D.C., Dec. 5th and we got about two to four inches. I helped a friend tow his car a couple blocks, which was o.k. except none of us expected snow. We all were wearing converse like shoes(mine were converse, but slip-ons like vans), so sloshing around in the icy puddles really sucked, especially without socks on. Not to mention the towing cable broke like three times, but we did get the truck to his house, so that was good. We actually made it without his truck hitting the back of my truck, that is
always a plus when towing with only a loose chain and a couple of ropes. I was actually pretty smart about my dope this weekend. I knew if I held on to it, I would do it in no time, so I asked my mom to hold it for me. Sunday came and I helped mom get to church by cleaning all the ice off of her car. There was too much snow, so we didn’t go to the cemetery. Mom definitely was happy, because she kept asking me to do all these choirs. I had no problem doing any of them, she kept up her part so I had to keep up mine. I have made it to Thursday morning. A friend has asked me to help him on a plumbing job, I just hope I’m not just giving him a ride to work. I guess I will find out soon enough. I’ve always had my license and a vehicle, so people tend to use me for rides. I mean I don’t mind helping people, but for some reason people always seem to take advantage of hospitality. That is the main reason I don’t hang out as much anymore. Especially when people find out that I don’t drink. They always want me to be a designated driver. The only thing they don’t realize is, that I also hate alcohol, that is the other reason I don’t hang out, I’m not a babysitter! Drunk people can actually be pretty funny at first. The main problems are that it either gets old really quick or the drunken idiots go too far. I’ve never been a fighter, in fact I’m usually the one breaking up the fights. I have always been able to talk my way out of a fight, even if I know I can win, I still don’t fight. Fighting to me is completely pointless, wow, I can make you bloodier than you can make me. Not to mention, drunks are always a lot stronger and better fighters than when they are sober(at least in their drunken minds!). Most of the time they don’t even know what they are really fighting about or who they are fighting! The one thing a drunk does that is worse than fighting is, hug all over you and tell you they love you. Something like this “Man(it always starts with man, even when it’s a women), I know I’ve only known you five minutes, but man do I love you!” “You’re my best fucking friend, I mean you really understand me.” Five minutes later they are fighting it out, five minutes after that they hugging again. What the fuck? Other than today, this week has been pretty useless, I have gotten a lot of sleep. Two of my friends were calling me all Monday and I finally gave in and picked them both up. We ended up getting some dope, but of coarse, it wasn’t as good as before, so I drove around and wasted all my time and half of my gas for nothing! I think karma is trying to tell me something, because both of them were high and I wasn‘t. I was just trying to make everyone happy (including myself) and I get the short end of the stick. What else is new? I just hope today turns out to be productive. I hate to be negative all the time, but that is just the way things turn out for me. The more I try to do the right thing, the worse off I seem to get. If I’m sitting here doing nothing, then people can’t waist my time and screw me over, right?! I guess we’ll just have to see what the future brings! Alright, I lucked out today. We showed up to the job and knocked it out in no time. I mean, we probably waited longer for the customer to show up then it actually took us to finish the job. That’s o.k. though, because the customer had to stop and get a garbage disposal that he wanted us to install(extras are always welcome). That meant more money for us! I mean we were already there to install a new faucet, so a garbage disposal was really easy. Oh my God, the only thing bad about this job was that there was stagnant water in the drain trap and it must have been there a long time. I was about to take a shit in the
sink just to make it smell better. Then again, maybe someone already did! I’m telling you, it was bad, backed up septic tanks don’t smell that bad. The guy I was with is a master plumber(and the junky in a lot of my stories, although he was clean for seven years) and he said it smelt like money to him. So after the job got finished and we played the “so what do YOU want to do” game. I’m pretty sure we both knew we were on our way downtown before the job was even finished! For some reason junkies always have to act like they didn’t plan on going down to cop. If we had done anything other than go downtown, I would have been really surprised. Anyways, I just took a break to write this real quick. Now I’m going to get up and do the dishes and some other chores around the house. I’ve already feed the cat and cooked some brownies. My cat is the craziest cat, she hates milk and ice cream, but loves brownies(which I only gave her a little bit of) and bread. She hates fish and shrimp, but loves Cole slaw and McDonald’s food. That is actually where I found her; get this eighteen years ago! She was already full grown, so we really don’t know how old she really is, but we don‘t think she was too old. The vet estimated her to be about a year or so, but they said not quite two, but still that was eighteen years ago. She is just as crazy as the rest of us! It is required to be part of this family. I have a drug problem, I don’t know my mother’s excuse, just kidding. Even though she did work at St. Elizabeth’s for a while( I tell her they just let her believe that when she was admitted). Once again, the weekend has come and gone. It was rainy and not very productive. Even though I don’t want to, I must admit getting high this weekend was not as work friendly as it usually is. It wasn’t the dope, that was actually pretty good, I just didn’t do anything useful, I mean I didn’t even draw or anything. I’m pretty sure it was a mix of laying around doing nothing and the dope that gave me a horrible headache. It lasted a couple of days, but I did get to try that new “dissolve on your tongue” aspirin. I won’t mention any brand names, but it works miracles in minutes. I don’t even know where to start this time. It’s Christmas eve, and this Christmas is already showing promises. First off, it will be a white Christmas, I can’t remember the last snowy Christmas, it has been a while. The last few years have been almost snow free around the D.C. area. Even when it does snow, it only snows two to four inches, but last weekend we got a BLIZZARD!!! It was awesome, usually they say “it’s going to be a big one!”, but it never materializes. This time, on Thursday and Friday everyone in the media was like “ONE HUNDRED PERCENT CHANCE OF SNOW; 14- 20 INCHES”. People were definitely in panic mode, I stood in line twice at two different grocery stores, each time I spent at least forty-five minutes in line. It was insane, but everyone seemed to be prepared. I even went downtown early, thank God I did, because it snowed and it snowed, a lot, we definitely got at least twenty inches, it was awesome. The clinic gave us take home doses, so I had the whole weekend off!! It was great, because my clinic doesn‘t usually give out take home doses for snow. In fact, we only got one take home dose for Christmas, it doesn’t make any sense, they are very strict when it comes to giving take home doses. Well, to you it has only been a second, but in my world it is January 11, 2010!! It has been 18 days since Christmas Eve. I must say, Christmas was good and New Years was even better. I got good and high for New Years and then went out and saw some old friends. We all smoked a little, the others drank, and I just enjoyed the moment. I think
someone poured me some champagne, but if I was going to drink, it sure as hell wouldn’t be champagne! That shit is nasty, so I just raised my Mountain Dew and wished everyone a happy new year. Which, I must interject, is complete bullshit! This whole thing about new years resolutions and making next year special, I mean look back, it’s the same shit every year! So I decided, my new years resolution is to do more dope than I did last year!! Now that’s a resolution I can get into! Once again, I’ve gone another ten days. My truck was all messed up and running at a high idle speed, so I knew the idle air control valve was bad and I replaced it in about five minutes. Now my truck is back to normal. Other than that nothing has changed. I did almost get busted, I should put this in my war stories chapter, but it is so minor that I’ll just put it here. I’ll start off by saying that for the past few years I have waited until I got home to do my drugs. Not only is it safer, but you don’t have to rush or worry. Lately, I have been being really stupid and not thinking. I’ve been giving people rides downtown in exchange for dope, which is fine in itself, but most people don’t want to wait and I hate watching people get high if I’m not getting high myself, which is why I have been pulling over and getting high also. So, this particular morning, we pick up my friends dealer, let me just interject here that a couple days before this, on the same street, his dealer was telling us how the cops pulled over his friends on this one street. So as we are driving back, my friend is already cooking up his dope and I’m like, “where can I pull over and hit?” My friends dealer tells me to just pull over where we are at, which just happens to be where he was saying his people got pulled over. So as I’m getting my stuff ready, I’m asking him if he is sure this is cool and he agrees it is. Anyways, here I am, drawing up my dope, I look over and there is a cop, slowly passing by!! The dealer is like “I’m getting out” and jumps out of the truck. So the cop stops and pulls over about four cars in front of us. My friend in the back is like “let me out, let me out” and I’m screaming, while still drawing up my dope “Your not going anywhere”. So my friend jumps up front with me, and after what seemed to be a life time the cop pulls off. Of coarse I start up my truck and take off, but once around the corner I stop and do my dope.