Heroin is for losers I swear, the one thing that drives me absolutely crazy is when people do every drug, but they say I’m a loser because I do heroin! They think that they can do anything and everything. As long as they don’t do heroin they are fine. No matter how bad their addiction gets, no matter what drug it is as long as it is not heroin, it is not bad. I’ve even had people on pills, like vicodin, or percocet say this to me, which was completely hypocritical! I always felt like saying to them “Well, when this shit gets the best of you, which it will, make sure you DON’T call me!” Of coarse it was only a matter of time until they were doing heroin. Then they wanted to be all buddy, buddy! I swear, it was always shit like that I couldn’t stand! I don’t know how many times I have seen people snort a fat line of coke and then say “man, you have got to stop doing heroin; It’s going to kill you” . It’s like, shut up and do some more coke! Another one that really gets me, is these people who don’t think alcohol is a drug. Then, after a few drinks, all of the sudden they not only are my best friend, but they also care so much about me and my future. They tell me I have to stop and they are willing to do anything to help me. Okay, if you want to help, then give me the money I need to support my habit. At least do some research on the subject. I mean you care so much! Right?. I guess just saying something is enough. At least enough to clear your own conscience. People get so carried away with what society has deemed right or wrong. Just hearing the word heroin causes people to freak out! I have got friends that got hooked on oxycontin, which is basically vicodin or percocet, just stronger. They didn’t realize it was just heroin in a pill. Even morphine and dilaudid, if it comes in a pill, it must be alright! A few years ago, I was like a leper. Oh my god, he does heroin, stay away. Now I see the same people that ridiculed me, messed up on everything. Most of them will mix all kind of drugs and drink on top of it. They still look down on me and say “God, you haven’t stopped doing heroin yet?” or “Man, I can‘t believe your still alive“ the best one is “ Holy shit, I heard you were dead“ I‘ve gotten that one a couple of times. It’s either that, or they want to be my best friend and start hanging out again. If they are drunk enough they start asking me to let them try heroin. You know, like I have the endless supply, and I carry it every where I go( I wish the first part of that was true). Even if I did, you better bet I’m not the one starting anyone on heroin(usually I’m too selfish with my dope anyway). I never did understand sharing dope. I mean paying someone to cop or drive is a different story, even then, I’d rather give the person money than dope. I mean, if someone gets hooked on dope because you gave it to them, that is a heavy burden to carry the rest of your life! You have now fucked up their life for a very long time, and God forbid, but what about if they O.D.? You have now permanently screwed them and yourself! Heroin addicts can be so brainwashed by what people think, that they start lying about wanting help and wishing they could stop. Don’t get me wrong, if you truly want help or need to stop then I support that decision 100%. I just know that people always pressure a heroin addict to stop, even if it is not always with the addicts best interest in mind. It took me years of lying to figure out that I really wasn’t ever ready to quit. I tried treatment after treatment, making sure I always got that last great high, before I realized the treatment I was trying to do wasn’t for me, it was just to get everyone off my back. As soon as everything calmed down I was right back into it. That’s why I think this rock
bottom philosophy everyone has is complete bullshit. It might get someone into treatment or it might help for a short time, but someone that is quitting for any other reason then it is their time to quit and it is what they want for themselves is going to relapse. One of the worse habits an addict has other than the drug itself, is lying to themselves. Once they start doing good and getting back on their feet, the addict will start telling themselves they are strong enough to just try it one time. That is usually how it starts, either that or they tell themselves some other lie, like, well I never had a problem with weed or alcohol, whatever drug it is that they feel comfortable with and oops, wrong turn, you just started back on that road to relapse. One thing I got over a long time ago was mixing my drugs. This has got to be the biggest no-no of them all. The only drugs I might mix, is on the rare occasion that I let coke get the best of me. After doing coke, I need to come down somehow. When I was younger, we thought it was fun to take a bunch of different drugs. Unfortunately, I lost a couple of good friends this way. When you overdose on a bunch of drugs, it’s hard for the medics to know how to bring you back. The one thing I’ve noticed about most heroin addicts is that other than the occasionally drug here or there, heroin is usually the only drug they use. Unless of coarse they are trying to kick or just can’t get any heroin and are sick. Some do try to keep smoking crack at first, but if they don’t have much money or are sick, heroin usually comes first. Believe me, as much as they might like crack, sooner or later the heroin habit will take over everything. Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of drug addicts that use heroin, coke, marijuana, etc., etc. I’m talking about addicts strung out on heroin, I know, it’s mainly because they can’t afford anything else. I mean most of the time they can’t even afford a good meal, but if you look at other drugs, like alcohol you‘ll see that other drugs usually are just the starting point. First you have a few drinks, then you get that urge, either coke or speed or X, whatever other drugs you crave. Even with weed, you’ll smoke a little, drink a little, snort a line or two, whatever it takes to get lit up. With heroin, even if the person isn’t strung out, that is usually all you do. Except for coke, even then, with time, you realize to do all the coke first, then do your heroin to come down, or you have just wasted your heroin. In studies done by most of the heroin assisted programs, it has proven that once heroin is administered on a daily basis, that illicit drug use drops significantly. The addict spends less time committing crimes and hanging out in crime ridden areas. The studies also have proven that addicts in these programs stop using other drugs and become more socially aware. The addicts productivity levels increase. These studies alone make me wonder if heroin addicts are the true losers. In one sense I guess we really are. In the sense that, without the help of heroin programs, we are forced to live life as criminals. Without help, addicts have no where to turn and end up committing crimes. Also, when around other drugs and other drug addicts we fall to temptation. Am I saying heroin addicts are weak?… Of coarse they are, if they weren’t they wouldn’t be addicted to anything. Having little or no will power is usually the main reason addicts become addicted. I mean if a person is strong willed, they can either quite or they wouldn’t have started in the first place. There are some people that are just scarred to try drugs (except maybe alcohol). I used to think these people were losers, but now I realized they are really the ones that are truly blessed. Then again, if I never tried drugs, I would only have myself to blame for
my failures. Maybe I really am a loser, even before drugs I always had this self destruct mechanism almost built in. It was either I had to be perfect at something or I wouldn’t even try it. This way failure was eliminated. Then when drugs came along I just blamed the drugs or laugh it off that I was high. The main thing is, I was always an extremist, in every sense of the word. I was never just normal. I was either completely up or completely down. My mood swings would switch as fast as a traffic light, the thing is I only had green and red, no yellow. No in between, the weird thing is this pertains to everything with me. It used to drive my girlfriends crazy, not just one of them, all of them. I was either super high strung or completely down in the dumps. I had to have everything or nothing. Then I found heroin, I finally learned what normal meant. The thing is, no one understands what I am talking about. They think I’m cover everything up, or just using this as an excuse. I guess it could be conceived as a bad thing, I mean without misery and pain how could I write poetry/songs. On heroin, I was living day by day, working, sleeping and just being a normal person. People always say, but it’s not real, it’s just the drug. What do I care, I finally found what I have yearned for my whole life, just being a normal part of society. People don’t understand, when you perceive yourself as an outcast and so do most other people, it can be painful. Realizing you might really be crazy, and that it not just a passing phase, might sound funny or be alright in the movies. The problem is day after day it starts getting old, not to mention lonely. Who wants to be around a mental person all the time? I mean, I don’t know how my ex-girlfriends did it, imagine living everyday not knowing if the person you love is going to be bouncing off the walls or going to be totally depressed. Not even day to day, how about hour to hour? Sometimes it seemed that my emotions changed within minutes, the worst part is, most of the time it was without a reason. Even I couldn’t explain it! The bigger problem is that people don’t understand addiction, especially girlfriends. They ALWAYS want you to stop and if you don’t, then you don’t love them. If they do learn to understand, then they want to try it themselves, I mean look how great it is for you, of coarse they want to try it. Then again if you love someone, they are suppose to be come first and with heroin, more times than not they feel like they are second to the drug. The addict doesn’t do it on purpose, it is just in order to be good to them, you have to do dope first. It’s almost like cheating on them, in fact a lot of times I got the feeling the cheating wouldn’t have been as bad! I think one of the hardest reasons to stay away from heroin is because of this love. I mean imagine the girl or guy that you loved the most, that completely broke your heart. Now, imagine if anytime you wanted them you could have them. How long would it be before you were back with them everyday? Not long! Even if everyone you knew hated them, and they were what many considered bad for you. The big question is, would you give them up, if they were what you knew in your heart was right? There are many differences between heroin and a real person. If I tell you that people are better than heroin, most people will say, of coarse, there isn’t even a comparison, but if I was to tell you that I believed heroin was better, most people would call me crazy. I guess maybe I am crazy and a loser, because I can think of many reasons that I would choose heroin over people(and it‘s not because I‘m an addict!). Yes, just let me start by saying, I am crazy, but heroin will never yell at you for anything you do wrong or judge you for being you! Those two things alone break up
many relationships. It won’t hit you or beat it, it might kill you, but that is usually because of the user, some people just attract abusive relationships (sorry, I warned you I was crazy). Heroin will take all of your money, but in its defense, so will most women!!!! Okay, now back to reality, anything can and will be harmful if you are not careful; Water, if you drink too much WILL kill you. Yes, even the love of your life will hurt you badly if you were not meant for each other or that person is abusive. Staying in bad relationships because you think you love someone can be just as deadly as heroin, maybe even worse. Also, the person that you supposedly love, might beat you all the time, or hurt other people that you love. As with anything, when it is time to move on, it’s time to move on! Only, once you leave heroin, you have to go back to it, it doesn’t come after you! Somehow I got off track, but as you have probably figured out by now, I’m a little scatter brained, so just bare with me. People without addiction problems never seem to understand addiction. In fact, they really don’t care anything about addiction until someone they love is affected, then it is a whole different story, unfortunately by then, it is usually too late. I’m just trying to give people a better understanding of this disease. Hopefully, someone can read this before addiction strikes someone they love and one person can be helped. People have got to start understanding that addiction, no matter what it is or how it got started, has got to be treated. Even if the treatment isn’t conventional. The other big thing that EVERYONE must understand is that drugs don’t make you a loser, they make you a person that needs help!! People, please if nothing else, learn to know the difference between giving help or just giving up. I always here parents telling other parents to kick their kids out and to put them out of their lives. This is unbelievable, if their kids had cancer would they abandon them. “God, I can’t believe you got cancer, what a LOSER!!!”. Sounds pretty cold, doesn’t it? Or how about this one “your cancer is costing us too much money and too much grief, it’s time for you to get out!” Well being an addict can feel just as helpless and what is worse is this reasoning, that people think they have the right to call you a loser and treat you like your guilty, when you‘ve done nothing to harm them!! Nobody has the right to condemn a person on the actions of a group. Every person is different and should be treated that way. I mean hypothetically speaking, say a person is on the edge of suicide (which can be caused by many things, including methadone and anti depressants) and the only way to suppress these feeling is to do heroin. Would doing heroin be a better choice than suicide? I know many of you might be thinking this is a cry for help. Maybe in some way it is. I mean, I am in desperate need of heroin assistance, but don’t worry, as bad as I feel, I know that suicide is not the answer. (The methadone is killing me slowly anyway). Maybe after enough people do die from wrongfully being medicated, along with the success of these heroin assisted treatments, maybe one day there will be proper treatment. I just doubt it will ever be in America. The worst part of this whole thing is, if I was to start seeing doctors again for my major depression and mood swings, it wouldn’t be like here is the cure. No, first they start me out on different medications, then they have to adjust my levels, then after all of that, I still might get worse. Not only might it not work, it might make me WORSE!!!!! That is a gamble I am not willing to go through again! I mean people on anti-depressants are known to kill themselves because of their medication. Not to mention all the other
problems that I have on top of depression, I am very high strung and will stay up for days without drugs and without reason. The hardest part for me is, I already know the cure, I just have to be a criminal to have it! I have been watching a lot of documentaries about methadone, and a lot of methadone patients are dealing with thoughts of loneliness and suicide. After listening to a few stories, I couldn’t believe what these people were saying. It was almost like my words coming out of someone else‘s mouth, only in different accents and different languages. Most of them went back to heroin, but unfortunately, some found a way to get more drugs from the system and most of those people died. Either from overdoses or from getting too high and falling asleep with a cigarette and just being careless. So far, from what I have studied about all these cure all medicines and all these legal drugs is, that they might be a godsend for some, but not for all. Some people get trapped by circumstances and can’t fix their situation. Others have been searching for the answers for many years, but are mislead by what society or the Government thinks is right. Stereotyping people is never fair. It usually shows a persons ignorance and leads to more despair than it is worth. Another factor with being prescribed drugs, especially methadone, is the tolerance factor. I know people that just keep raising their dosages, in fact, most people do this and the clinic is usually the first to suggest it. I mean I understand going up to a certain level, but once you are comfortable you need to start working on lowering that level slowly. I mean wasn’t the whole purpose of methadone to get you off of heroin; Not get you addicted to other drugs?!? A lot of people have worse habits now because of methadone, I mean anything over 80 mg is crazy. I know people on 150 mg and higher, what happens if these people go to jail, they would be completely fucked!! I’ve heard the horror stories, believe me! People talking about being sick for weeks!! Personally, I’ve never let myself go over 60 mg, and I usually start coming down, even if it’s very slow. I don’t want to be in the situation where I’m worse off then when I started, not to mention anything over 50 mg and it blocks your heroin. I got down to about 16 mg, but since I need to do heroin every once in a while, I can never seem to get below that. I went back up to 20 mg for a few months, but then binged on a weekend and had to go back up to 31 mg and then again to 36 mg. Once again I’ve gotten off topic, this chapter is supposed to be about heroin being the drug for losers, but in reality nothing makes you a loser, except you!! I don’t care what people think, I don’t care what people say, your not a loser until you have given up on yourself and said “Well, I’m a fucking loser, I‘m killing myself” and gone through with the thought. Because, if you are alive, you can change! It is as simple as that. Don’t get me wrong though, it might not be that simple too change, but you can.