JACK AND GILL IN 2008
COMPOSED BY DAVE HAMBIDGE
PART THREE SPLODGE’S NIGHT OUT
The evocative hill photograph can be found at; http://photos.wildmadagascar.org/images/1997/golden_hill.shtml
As winter lapsed into blooming spring Splodge's mind was on just one thing having his carnal way with a special bitch. To all his plans there was a major hitch she resided behind the stonking big wall and electric gates of Hillside Hall. Her owners had a devious plan to breed from her a very select clan.
Sir Eirne D' Stash and his third wife Fritter lived a life of expensive glitter. They became the owners of Hillside Hall after the old owner had a fall from the front parapet one fine day aiming to land in a pile of fresh hay. He missed and very soon died because the heap was on the other side!
Many of the locals in T'Both were fairly sure that Eirne was not a proper knight of the land but possessed of delusions grand. He made his fortune selling old cars pretending they'd been driven by stars. Fritter was known to drink quite a bit but what can you expect of a bit of a chit?
Fritter met Eirne at a gentleman's spa where she danced naked on the bar. Her charms and appeal was plain to see mostly contained in a 44C. A good time girl in every way she soon hooked Eirne in to pay for a relaxing life-style living it up in a country pile.
As part of his attempt at countrification Sir Eirne D'Stash bought an Alsatian. Partly as a guard dog to prowl the grounds and possibly to deter other hounds. Fritter meanwhile acquired a small poodle which was the focus of Splodge's oggle. In previous years he had failed to mate and now was lusting after a date.
Gill was aware of her doggies desires and kept him away from open fires hoping to cool his ardour down before he shagged her dressing gown! But one night Jack failed to close the back door and Splodge was off to hunt for his paramour. Little did Gill know of the error until Fritter phoned with a tone of terror. "Come here quickly, please?" screeched Fritter "Your beastly dog is doing things to my critter!" Jack and Gill rushed off to the Hall debating how Splodge and scaled the wall. Finding the powered gates ajar they drove right through in their car and up to the front door from whence emitted a screaming roar!
What a sight they did behold whence they crossed the threshold! Fritter was hopping around the floor waving a poker towards the lounge door. "They're in there, coupling on the tigerskin rug, yours with a lurid grin on his mug! My poor Princess the Poodle, what an error ravished by a lowly common terrier!"
Gill disconnected the priapistic muts and dragged hers back to Jack's van. Said she, "Poor Splodge's swollen nuts will need washing off in a cold water pan!" Jack involuntarily winced at the though of this and tried to give the dog a comforting kiss. Splodge gnashed his nose so hard, and twice, that Jack thought his face was caught in a vice!
Fritter and her Princess soon forgot their distress at the sight of Jack streaming blood all over the vehicle hood. Gill grabbed Splodge and shut him in the back then turned and delivered some verbal flack. "You obnoxious little pretentious bag I hope you shrivel up into an old hag!" Back at the cott and with their hurts tended Jack cuddled up to his intended. "You certainly gave a mouthful to Fritter!" "Indeed, but I was already bitter.
She sneaked off from the shop without paying for some discounted end of line boots, saying that I had agreed for her to try them at the Hall. Pity the boss has got no balls!" "Well," said Jack, "she is a woman!" "I meant that we should and can demand the goods be returned at once even if it makes Fritter flounce. Allowing the likes of her to steal is like giving a tramp a meal. They keep coming back for more, but I hope she does come to the store... ... so I can have a laugh at her cost relating the story of how Princess wast bedded by Splodge in lust and how she now must explain to dearest Sir Eirne by what fatefull turn the Hall was left unsecured and who else was lured?"