Issue 8

the plumber’s

FAUCET Vol. 29 no. 8 • February 17th, 2014

The Apology Issue

2 the plumber’s FAUCET the plumber’s Masthead The Sincerely, Truly, Sorry Daniel Dicaire David Bailey The Apology Letter Margin Setters Amanda Dos Santos Faraz Oman The Apology Letter Writers Adam Pickersgill Amanda dos Santos Brigid Cami Caroline Giacomin Daniel Dicaire Daniel Galef David Bailey Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University Drea Gideon Mitchell Steele Reid Hadaway William Farrell (the funny one) The Apology Letter Illustrators Celestine Hong (cover) Alexandra Foty Disclaimer

The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature.

For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

Complaints

The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

the plumber’s FAUCET vol. 29 no. 7 Wednesday, January 29th, 2014 ISSN (print): 1707-7478 ISSN (online): 2291-3513

Letter from the Editors: Well, here we are again, at the editors’ note of the Faucet. That random rambling of stuff stuffed between our beautiful contributors on the left, and a silly article on the right. Now, before I get too meta, let’s get on with the note.

We had a lot of fun putting together this issue, especially since some new contributors got a chance to show off. Look at that cover Celestine drew - it’s a beaut! I have absolutely no idea what events on campus it is referring too, and am content to let readers looking back on the archives in 20 years scratch their heads at this one (hint guys: type in Farnan National Post Obama on Bing, which I am sure is your main search engine by now).

We were always planning on doing stuff related to Farnangate, but Pombogate gave us even more material, hence the giant iguana. Hopefully nobody is offended by the cover, because ever since they took the bike barriers down, there won’t be enough gates for a Faucetgate.

Also check out Mitch Steele’s articles. This bioresource debating champion has a keen sense of humour - I hope downtown campus is ready for it.

In other news, drinking season has turned into midterm season, and as usual I am putting the Faucet before academics. But don’t worry, soon it will be reading week, which will be followed by the second midterm season, banquet season, final project season, then exam season. Then it’s OAP Lite! Hooray! Then you will go to school for a couple more years, spend 40 years in a cubicle, have 10 years of happy retirement, then move to a retirement home. I should be a life coach.

Anyway, I am running out of space, so I guess that is the end of the editors’ note. Expect two more issues of the Faucet this year!

-DD & DB

the plumber’s FAUCET

3

What Is Missing From the Olympics

by Set Phasers to Pun

Every two years, the athletes of the world unite in some hastily built venues to compete for medals that are worth much less than their coaches’ salaries in the name of ‘sport’. Sports symbolize the competitive nature of our species in games that are often developed from, or to hone, survival skills. The javelin throw was a measure of a warrior or hunter, wrestling tested raw strength, and curling showcased the challenges of fighting off boredom on a frozen pond. The winners could boast about the strength of their homeland, and bring hope to the future.

But there’s one aspect, one ‘sport’ that is completely absent from the modern athletics in today’s Olympics: sex.

Sex is physically demanding, requires years of practice, and pays a lot of money to those that take it as a career. Even with the new streaming capabilities for these Olympics, I’m sure there are more people tuning in to Backdoor Babes 16 than cheering on the cross-country skiers. Even taking out the obvious gains that viewership brings to advertising, just imagine the tourism next season if your country is home to gold medal snu-snu. I know Putin has his issues with certain people playing on certain teams, but that doesn’t mean we can’t make progress in Rio 2016. All that we need are some new events so that the sexletes have time to train.

Rio is the perfect place to start with a little more stimulation in competition - just look at their beach volleyball team! It’s obvious from the women’s uniforms that they’ve been trying to add sex appeal for years, although via inequitable fashion choices.

Relay only needs a small tweak to work

The Sexlympics could net the Olympic committee millions in profits, as well as save money for the competing nations. The Sochi Olympics ordered more than 100,000 condoms for athletes to use, and not a dime of that investment makes it on camera. Uniforms would be minimal, with the possible exception of assless chaps and fuzzy handcuffs. Finally, most of the coaching staff would probably work for free.

Gymnasts are the obvious place to start, with all of that natural-born flexibility and advances in tighter and tighter fabric. Sex on the Pommel Horse, sex on the even and un-even parallel bars, sex on the trampoline - hell the balance beam might even be interesting this time around. Track and field can host the relay and the long hump. I’m sure there’s even a market for equestrian events. And of course, there are doubles events as well.

Introducing any such competition into the established Olympics would not be without its challenges. Scandals about Viagra abuse and the smell of burning rubber may haunt competitors for many years. Many governments may choose to ban Olympic broadcasts in the name of public decency. But alas, steroids are tested for regularly, and as long as it’s online, everyone will watch anyway.

Finally, sex as a sport would bring back the very essence that the Olympic games are meant to symbolize.

These modern games are rife with people competing with the goal of gaining sponsorship money, and professionals who are already paid in the millions. Competitive love making would be its own reward for the athletes, regardless of the sponsors. Amateurs would also make a comeback, as they will actually post better times then the pros would anyway.

4 the plumber’s FAUCET

What is this Strange Thing You Call “Politics”?

By Daniel Galef

I am an International Student here at McGill. I hail from the exotic misty shores of far-off New Jersey, and I understand if this makes me seem mysterious or alien to some. However, there exists a long tradition of expats studying abroad (or two).

During the Renaissance, hundreds of Moroccan Arabs flooded north to the British Isles and over the Antonine Wall to become highlanders (One of them, Angus MacMahmoud ibn Griffin, even became Thane of Loch Hoch, his father having married into succession from a lowly upbringing as a purveyor of haggis shawarma).

They are well-known today as the Scottish Moors, though a few later left for Italy to become the Berbers of Seville. A similar tale from the the nineteenth century is when a vast influx of peasants from the South of France packed up and left home for Austria, thus becoming the renowned Vienna Franks.

To quell mistrust and misunderstanding of our funny foreign ways, I have been asked by the Leaky Faucet to explain, in a concise, clear, and unbiased manner, the politics, culture, history, and government of the U. S. A., the full name of which those in the know may already be aware is ‘The Uncle Sam Association.’ Even fewer know that Uncle Sam’s full name isn’t Samuel, but Samson.

There you have it, you’ve learned

something already, haven’t you?

The legislative branch of the U.S. government is that which bears the closest relation to its Canadian counterpart. While both are bicameral representative lawmaking bodies, whereas our cousins to the North have a Parliament with a lower house, the House of Commons, and an upper house, the Senate, the American thing, known as the American Thing after its Icelandic precedent, is made up of a lower House of Representatives and an upper House of Lords.

In Parliament, as you know, MPs in the House of Commons are elected by the people, and those in the Senate are appointed by the PM. In the Thing, however, seats are awarded to those with the wealthiest campaign contributors. The Thing is also known as the Bureau and (due to the prevalence of fats and starches) the National Diet.

The Houses besides the Lords and Representatives are: The Crash Diet, The Kosher Diet, The House of Locks, The House of Stairs, The House of Mirrors, The House of Commons, The Senate, The Parliament of Owls, The Congress of Rooks, The Council of Elders, The Supreme Heptumvirate, The Circle of Twelve, The Congress, This, That, and The Other Thing. The head of government is in theory the Thingy.

The court system is also notably different from yours. While common law is the American custom as well as the Canadian one, here in Quebec, which understandably is modeled after the French system as opposed to the British, civil law dominates, unless a case is taken to the highest court. In the States, whose government was originally modeled primarily after those of the U.K. and of the Roman Republic, as well as after early modern

the plumber’s FAUCET democracies such as the Republic of Venice and the United Netherlands, the central court is known as the Kebang. Here a shadow council of anonymous, masked judges form an omnipotent tribunal to decide arguments in the highest court of the land. The jury is ritually murdered following each case.

Punishments, especially those in the provincial courts, are sundry and various, and may often seem less standardised or ‘civilised’ than those of the central Kebang, which uniquely operates without defendants. Customs range from certain coastland communities of financiers and accountants among which every crime, from jaywalking to manslaughter, in answerable an appropriately-sized fine (customarily ceremonially accepted with the inquisitor asking the debtor, ‘Where gold?’), to some of the smaller jungle communes that employ such unique and colorful sentences as ostracization, temporary corporal punishments or mild torture, ‘to be declared as a fish,’ the revocation of arms, titles, names, or body parts, and the foreclosure of family members.

Of course, as the U.S. is not a monarchy, one might assume that the Queen has no representative there. No such thing! As a Commonwealth realm and former colony of the Empire, there is provided an honoured place in government for the Governor-General, the only difference being that, having broken off from Britain on no kind terms, the U.S. Governor-General is constantly ignored and insulted through the workings of government, and has no acknowledged power whatsoever.

5

Faucet Stock Watch

By Adam Pickersgill

Hot stocks: The Engineering Undergraduate society fell another 3% today as the plumber manufacturer continues to suffer from the PR Fiasco from earlier this month. Since the miscommunication, EUS has fallen a steep 18%. EUS is still trading at higher prices than its main competitors AUS, SUS, and MUS, though if this trend continues that cushion may disappear. Our analysts at the Faucet suggest that this is the time to buy though, as we expect EUS to recover spectacularly next quarter.

Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University

The Students Society at McGill University is also suffering, falling 4% today after the GA ratification email was received last week coupled with the latest edition of the listserv. Investors (Club) seem to be worried about corrupt practices and lack of interest displayed by most members of the society in the future success of the SSMU. Faucet analysts suggest this stock be avoided until we know more about the unfolding events.

The Department of Electrical Computer and Software Engineering was boosted today by the latest earnings reports coming out of the Software Engineering division, exceeding expectations by as much as 15%. The stock itself is up 6% as a result of these findings as investors flock for a piece of that sweet digitized pie. This is a strong stock, though the vestigial structure of the Electrical Engineering division is somewhat worrisome.

The Chemical Engineering Students Society is up 12% on the day after a report was recently released indicating that 90% of all students in Chemical Engineering easily learn how to make amphetamines.

Editor’s Picks, by D.B.: The McGill Association of Mechanical Engineers shot up 124% today, more than compensating for their 52% drop from the day before. The stock has been very volatile ever since it decided to link its dividend payout rate to a complicated formula which takes into account the weather, Dogecoin exchange rates, strength of the hat industry, and the number of Twitter followers that Carrie Fisher has. This policy was adopted to pursue the society’s mandate for silliness.

The Civil Engineering Undergraduate Society rose 0.3% today, in a rise that has been attributed to thermal expansion. Just as the structures they engineer are stable and hardly move for decades (except sometimes in Quebec), their stock price has not changed by more than 1.3% in the last decade.

6 the plumber’s FAUCET

Cooking With the Faucet By: Tribaholic

Friends, Romans, starving engineering students! So, as you may or may not know, every couple weeks, our excellent sister paper, the Plumber’s Ledger, publishes an issue containing a delicious recipe by Erika Timoshenko. They are excellent. So in an effort to eat better, I am making them. But because I am lazy, and have an oddly stocked kitchen, I will be making these recipes using only ingredients currently found in my kitchen, or, in some circumstances, bought at the G-Store. Look for this to become a Plumber’s Station series!

First up:

Coconut Pudding with Chia, Vanilla, and Berries Original Recipe - Published Feb 10, 2014 The meat and water of one coconut 1 banana 2 tbsp liquid sweetener (agave nectar)

My Recipe: 2 coconut “Bounty” chocolate bars Yes, we have no bananas! (I had no bananas, blow me) 2 tbsp agave nectar (hells yeah! I have something! Also works great as a sweetener in tequila-based drinks)

10 tbsp lemon juice 1tbsp coconut oil

Juice of two fresh lemons All coconut oil in the Tribaholic household is reserved for sensual massages – none could be spared 2 tbsp sesame seeds (serious question – do you grow chia pets from chia seeds?)

The frozen raspberries from when I tried to be healthy and make smoothies last year - frozen into one solid clump ½ cup water 1 tsp corn starch (it’s also a thickener, right?)

2 tbsp chia seeds A handful of your favourite fruits ½ cup water 1 tsp agar agar (or gelatin)

So from those ingredients, you can tell I got this in the bag. (Note: According to Yahoo answers, there is one coconut in every two bounty bars, which is where I got this comparison). First, the instructions tell you to blend the first 5 ingredients. I am an idiot, so I blended the first seven ingredients. Sesame seeds blended nicely, into a delightful mealy texture that blended well with the blended coconut filling of the Bounty bar.

Though I was supposed to add the raspberries to the finished pudding, I blended them in, giving my dish the delightful colour of a miscellaneous berry smoothie from Booster Juice. (Advanced Tip: if your raspberries have been frozen into one solid lump, I recommend attacking them with one of those knife sharpeners that comes in the knife blocks, spraying raspberry juice all over your kitchen in the process, to break them up.)

After I set this smoothie-ish concoction aside, I proceeded to the thickening, which involves boiling the water and dissolving the agar agar in it. I asked Jeeves, and apparently corn starch can be used to replace agar agar. With this

in mind, I attempted to dissolve the corn starch in the boiling water. It didn’t dissolve completely, so I just poured the entire mixture into the pudding through a pasta strained in order to take out any lumps. Let the entire mixture cool off in the fridge, and it is done!

Verdict: Actually not bad. Quite sweet, with heavy

raspberry and lemon at the beginning, finishing with strong coconut as a lingering aftertaste. Mouthfeel is nice, though occasionally mealy from blended sesame seeds and coconut filling.

I served this at a Faucet meeting, and here are some quotes describing it:

“Pass me your beer, I have to get this aftertaste out of my mouth” “Why is it red? It’s coconut pudding!”

“Hey, this is actually pretty good!”

“I would eat that if I didn’t know what was in it” Success! See you next issue! Either I’ll have a new Ledger to work from, or get my lovely editor to pick one of the old recipes from a past issue at random.

the plumber’s FAUCET

7

The Gentrification of Downtown Montreal

by Brigid Cami

their upscale instant noodles?

How will he rest his feet after slaving away all day and drown himself in the steam of the sauna? Where will Little Betty play with the homely straw doll app on her iPad? Additionally, this situation is also the textbook case of neo-classical imperialism, defined as:

“A policy or practice by which a country increases its power by gaining control over other areas of the world.”

It has recently been brought to my attention by the McGill Daily that McGill University intends to purchase the Holiday Inn on Sherbrooke and the Delta on University for use as residences to accommodate its students. This is nothing short of the textbook definition of gentrification. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines gentrification as follows:

an all-powerful entity.

The Republic of McGill has by all accounts invaded the neighbouring countries of Holiday Inn and Delta, against their wishes, in an attempt to become

Furthermore, the situation also conforms to the textbook definitions of heteronormativity and heightism, especially as when evaluated with regards to the aboriginal peoples of Saskatchewan. Specifically, the nepotism associated with the industrialism lurking in “The process of renewal and rebuilding accom- every corner of modern day Alaska has now infiltratpanying the influx of middle-class or affluent people ed the streets of Montreal, turning into nothing more into deteriorating areas that often displaces poorer res- than a paedophobic, imperial, undulationaist excuse for idents.” a city. The reasoning behind these points is too self-eviI want you to understand that your ritzy students dent to require further explanation. will be displacing my six children, my husband and I, I leave you with one simple question: how is it that who have been living in the Holiday Inn for over twenty you can sleep at night? years now. Where will my Tiny Tim get his crème brûlée when your students turn our beloved hotel restaurant Sincerely, into a gathering room for their swanky backpacks and their uptown textbooks? Where will my struggling husband park his Mercedes when your pretty penny students turn our parking lot into a lavish storage space for

Gentrified

8 the plumber’s FAUCET

The Inebriation Satisfaction Coeffient (ISC)

by Caroline Giacomin

Research has shown that human behaviour on the average Friday and Saturday night can be predicted based on inebriation level. This correlation is particularly found to be true in the population subset university students. Through a series of observational studies on a sample of McGill students, aged 18-23, the inebriated satisfaction coefficient (ICS) was generated. The ISC predicts the end behaviour of a given subject on any inebriated night. No significant research has been conducted for such behaviour while the subjects are sober.

A wide variety of variables are found to affect the outcome of a particular night. Outcomes considered are grouped into two general behaviours: consumption-based and fornication-based. Variables considered are as follows:

Gender (G): Female (F): G=0

Male (M): G=1

Outdoor Temperature (T): given in degrees Celsius

Weather Conditions (p): based on “chill” caused

[

Snow: p = + 5 Rain: p = -10 Windy: p = -5

]

for all other weather conditions, p = 0

Quality of food being considered (Q): rated from 1 to 10, with 10 being best.

Attractiveness of partner being considered (A): rated from 1 to 10, with 10 being “oh, hot damn”

Inebriation level (i): ranked 1 to 10 Fall off the table level: I = 8.5 Sober: i = 1

Puking: i = 10 Blackout: i = 9

Level of hunger (h): rated 1 to 10, with 10 being famished

Desire level (m): # of months since most recent intercourse

Distance to sex (x): measured in kilometers

Distance to food (d): measured in kilometers

Day of the week (s): school night: s = -1 weekend night: s = 1

Relationship status (c): relationship: c = -1 “complicated”: c=0 Hookup: c=1

Virginity Coefficient (v): not virgin: v = 0 virgin: v=1

the plumber’s FAUCET

9

These thirteen variables can be arranged to generate the mathematical correlation (that follows), responsible for the prediction of how the inebriated test subject achieves satisfaction at the conclusion of a night.

[

]

When ISC is found to be a positive value, satisfaction at the end of the night is predicted to be sexual in nature. Negative ISC values correlate to nourishment-based satisfaction. An ISC value of zero is inconclusive in predicting an evening’s outcome.

by Alexandra Foty

Montreal Weather by Amanda dos Santos

JANUARY 10th: IRON RINK

JANUARY 11th: IRON LAKE

10 the plumber’s FAUCET

Backdoor Blowout

by Mitch Steele

I come from a small town in Alberta, about 50km east of Calgary. I don’t know how well anyone knows Albertan geography, but this whole area is flat. Like really flat. In Saskatchewan, they say, it’s so flat that when your dog runs away it takes three days. Well here, you can see your dog run all the way to Saskatchewan, and then still see it for the three days. The highest point in my town was the pitcher’s mound at the ball park.

Now you might ask, what does one do in such a flat, rural place? If you’re over thirty, the answer is beer league softball in the summer and curling in the winter. If you are still in high school, it’s all sex, drugs, and country-roll. Strathmore was Hustlers teen pregnancy capital of Canada in 2010. That’s right, little did this future engineer know, but my classmates were giving it away faster than mining loses points in E-Week.

However, rural Alberta has some deeply conservative roots, and frowns on that sort of pre-marital merry making.

These beliefs grew their way on down to some of my female classmates. They decided that they should save themselves for marriage. The only problem: how to keep a boyfriend interested while keeping yourself pure? So these girls found a loop hole; take it in the poop hole. That’s right, the way to keep that wedding dress white is to turn those sheets brown. They were still virgins in their minds, and the boyfriends were happier than pigs in shit. Literally.

Fine, if you want to take the express to downtown of brown-town, no one is really going to judge in this day and age.

I’ve always said if it isn’t pink, it’s not for your dink, but hey, when in Rome…. you know… sodomy and stuff. But this does raise a few questions on virginity.

Is virginity just a thin flap of skin, which you could lose to a rough horseback ride, or an overzealous finger blasting in the back of Buck’s new Chevy pickup? Or is

it something more, a level of intimacy that you save for just the right person, when you both feel emotionally ready for something as monumentous as bumping your pee holes together until they vomit fluids that you don’t even want on your hands deep inside your partner?

And the young gentleman who slips his trouser snake into the muddy lake, does he stay a virgin as well?

I don’t have the answers to these questions, and will leave it to the philosophers to decide. This has gotten too deep for me. What started as a light heated romp through the hay has turned into a broken prophylactic on ovulation day. In the end, who gives a shit anyway? It’s a personal thing, and as long as kids are having good ‘clean’ fun that isn’t driving up our already skyhigh abortion rate, let them bash that brown-eye until it turns blue.

the plumber’s FAUCET

11

SSMU CLUB CORNER!

Featuring a motion by U-Crane is Weak

You know guys, SSMU Club really does make some good points. In fact, I think there is ample room to combat oppression in all forms at the next GA. I’ve even taken the liberty of preparing a resolution to this effect for the next GA! RE: A Modest Expansion of the Equity Committee’s Authority WHEREAS words, images, songs, depictions, stone carvings, gestures, sideways glances, furrowed brows, and all communicative mediums, both verbal and non-verbal, have the potential to offend, anger, upset, disappoint, or otherwise hurt the feelings of sentient beings; WHEREAS the SSMU Club is tasked with ensuring the utmost level of positivity and smarm amongst some 26,000 undergraduate students, too feeble and insecure to withstand but the slightest hint of confrontation to their frail sense of self-worth and comfort; WHEREAS the aforementioned verbal and non-verbal communicative mediums may potentially, conceivably, possibly, or otherwise theoretically ruffle the delicate sensibilities of said student body; RESOLVED all communicative mediums to occur within the SSMU Clubhouse or conducted via SSMU Club related activities be preliminarily screened by the Equity Committee, hereafter referred to as the Ministry of Truth, or “Minitrue” for short, so that they may be stripped of all offending and meaningful content; RESOLVED Minitrue shall endeavor to ensure that all feelings are doubleplusgood and to eliminate thoughtcrime, both real and imagined, throughout all venues, events, and activities related to the SSMU Club.

Going Unhinged

By Mitch Steele I was shocked and appalled by the .gif file attached to the recent email sent by the SSMU VP Internal.

This is the kind of ridiculous bigotry and racism I thought I left behind in high school. The obligatory apology email sent soon afterwards did little to sooth the wound.

The file showed President Obama giving a speech and then, in a shocking display, kicking open a door as he walks off stage. This is obviously a shot at the struggles of the door suffrage movement, which has gained no ground since Obama gained office. What’s next, a cowboy shooting empty beer bottles off of a

wooden fence; a jab at the rampant alcoholism among the fence community?

Doors have been fighting for equal rights since time immemorial.

Just when the solid doors reconciled their differences with the screen and bead doors (yes, they are doors too.

This is the kind of ignorance I’ve been talking about, you small minded prick), Big Door lobbyists began throwing their money around and locking out this issue. This .gif illustrates the government’s ability to disregard door related issues while doors lack the right to vote, essentially kicking them open and mov-

ing right through them.

Doors are fighting for basic rights: well-oiled hinges, protection against the axe-weilding Jack Nicholsons of the world, and weekly nob polishing. This is a major issue, and awareness of this topic needs to be increased. I’d like to thank everyone who took time out of their day to complain about this, forcing the SSMU VP Internal to take the time to write a much needed apology.

Also, thanks to everyone who took the time to read the apology. Which led to me taking time to write this article. And to you all taking time to read it. ...Waste not, want not.

12 the plumber’s FAUCET

EUS_Coin

by Drea Gideon

By the Engineering Undergraduate Society Constitution, we are only allowed to run a deficit two fiscal years in a row. Given that in 2012-2013, we ran a deficit of $5000 and this year we are projecting a deficit of well over $130,000, and whereas events which traditionally ran at smaller budgets have now skyrocketed due to an unexpected massive increase in student participation in academic events, the E.U.S. execs have actively sought measures of overcoming the issue of keeping the EUS awesome and ensuring the budget runs a net profit next year.

As you may or may not know, the EUS Executives are extremely well-educated after a recent trip to University of Toronto’s business school, where they received an accelerated degree in Economics and Finance. They have been working tirelessly on developing a new format of revenue for the EUS which will actively benefit all of its students while overcoming the EUS’ debt and simultaneously improving the economy.

In light of all of the above, the EUS is proud to announce the creation of EUS_Coin!

“EUS_Coin is an innovative payment network and a new kind of money. EUS_Coin uses peer-topeer technology to operate with no central authority or banks (such as the EUS Bank accounts or the Finance Department of the Dean’s Office, as traditional EUS accounts are handled). Managing transactions and the issuing of EUS_Coins is carried out collectively by EUS members. EUS_Coin is not open source however - its technology is kept as a complete secret in the accounts of the EUS VP Communications. Through many of its unique properties, EUS_ Coin allows exciting uses that could not be covered by any previous payment system.”

- EUS_Coin Bylaws, as ratified by EUS Council on October 21, 2013*

PURPOSE EUS_Coin will be used as the new currency for internal transfers within the EUS. Additionally, students are free to invest in EUS_Coin, thus allowing its monetary value to fluctuate daily. These students will be able to pay for any EUS Services including any event ticket costs, services such as Copi-EUS, and purchases made at the EUS General Store.

IMPLEMENTATION With the recent successes of Dogecoin and Coinye West, the EUS Executives have full faith that the launch and implementation of this new currency will only lead to an increase in capital value for the EUS. After a steady increase in awareness and use during the Fall 2014 Semester, the EUS_Coin will become the sole mode of currency to be used within the Engineering complex, ie. McConnell, Wong, and Trottier, for all Engineering student-run events and services. By the Winter 2015 Semester, we will enforce that EUS_Coin be the only currency used by Engineering undergraduates, and extend the exciting investment opportunity to post-graduate

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*We have already gotten EUS Council approval, as the go ahead to develop the backend software was passed during the “Ratification of EPTS Bylaws” Motion passed on October 21st EUS Council. The EUS VP Clubs and Admin made a logistical error in titling the motion, but it passed unanimously (with the exception of 1 against vote from a member of MAME). Concerns over this irregularity have been brushed aside. Last year during the EUS Support Fund referendum question, there was a second question asked regarding the launch of the EUS_Coin project, which was written in very small text. This question had a surprising 39% voter turnout and a 98% Yes result.

the plumber’s FAUCET students and professors alike. Arts students will only be allowed to invest in EUS_Coin after the pilot fiscal year of 2014-2015 proves its inevitable success.

PROJECTED VALUE

13

(which consisted of the entire U4 Software Engineering class) we have assumed the entire student body are in accord with this revolutionary movement towards enriching the EUS as a corporation.

The EUS is extremely confident in the launch of EUS_Coin and encourages everyone to begin their investments or to speak to the EUS VP Finance to attend investment strategy workshops, learn about Stocks, Bonds, and basic Economics for Engineers. We would also like to note that the U4 Software Engineering graduating class will be working on developing the front-end The accelerated work on this online development software as a combined effort final year Design Project needs to commence as soon as possible, and given run by a professor who wishes to remain anonymous. the positive feedback received from the market study The EUS has done extensive market research. According to our projected calculations, once EUS_Coin reaches a value of 2540.90USD, with a daily fluctuation rate of maximum 5%, with a cashflow on par with the observed cashflow this year, we could even eliminate the need for sponsorship or OAP as a source of revenue.

Just in Case

by Amanda dos Santos So I sold my soul to the devil and purchased a tablet from a company that I will refer to as “Faucet” (both because I don’t have money for a lawyer and because if they want me to advertise for them, they’ll have to pay me). I looked down at my brand new Faucet tablet. “Damn, this is expensive,” I thought to myself as I held it in my hands. The hands all too capable of spilling coffee and letting things go at inoportune moments. “I better get a case for this puppy. And I guess I need one with a back - that floppy pannel alone won’t cut it. Alright, Faucet case, Faucet case, what are they selling you for? 90 DOLLARS?!!”

NINETY. Ninety dollars for a case. And you know what would have happened had I purchased one?

“Damn, this is an expensive case. I better get a case for this puppy.”

Enter the Faucet case case. Since Faucet would be providing this case, I estimate it would cost a reasonable $70 this time. But, $70 is a lot of money for a case that can easily be dropped, scratched, or drowned in either coffee or toilet water. Enter the need for a case for the Faucet case case. Of course, at this point I would do the sensible thing and buy a cheap Faucet case case case off Amazon. Take that, Faucet.

Faucet Case

Faucet Case Case Case

Faucet Case Case

14 the plumber’s FAUCET

McGill’s Lucrative World Debut

by Liquid Giggles

Sometimes, attending McGill makes you feel like you are in a Douglas Adams novel. School-wide “heartfelt” apologies for a “racist” .gif of Barack Obama kicking down a door, the resulting Pombogate incident, puppies in the library, a stifling bureaucratic administration that can do little besides installing bike gates, and all manner of comedy gold. And comedy gold, as you know, can be turned into real gold. As Adam Sandler consistently proves, even comedy tin can be turned into big bucks.

How can we capitalize on the surreal environment we know as McGill? Through our publications, of course!

The stuff that happens has the potential to go viral, and we need to ensure that the ad revenues go to us. The National Post just published something about Farnangate, and they are reaping the profits. If we are going to make fools of ourselves, we might as well be rich fools (let’s not forget the budget cuts!).

The first step is to revamp the Faucet website so that it is in the style of a sensationalist news site which reports real stories with a bunch of spin, so that it has the perfect combination of quasi-credibility and sensationalism to draw in the crowds - kind of like Buzzfeed or the CBC. After getting some advertisers, we will social-media-landscape the shit out of the site so that everyone checks it at least a dozen times a day. Then we report on McGill shenanigans and pull in the profits.

But wait, there’s more! Things as ridiculous as Farnangate happen quite a bit, but not on a commercial scale.

There are some key areas within the McGill community where we can expand on our strengths to maximize media attention, and by extension, profits. The Faucet will of course share a portion of the profits with whoever helps us (and spend our share on bottles of Armand de Brignac for an open-bar Publications Banquet). So here are the steps that the McGill Community should take: Step 1: The SSMU Club Equity Commission stirred up a lot of interest with Farnangate. To capitalize on their skills, we will formally separate the part of the commission that deals with serious issues from the part that makes a mockery of equity (which essentially means starting the serious part from scratch), then empower the silly commission to make even more judgments of groups on campus. For example, every exec should make a microaggression confession of their obsession with oppression

in a daily session with an equity commissioner, which is to be subsequently followed by a school-wide apology.

Computer science students will be called upon to create a spambot to send out the streams of apologies needed to prevent anyone from being offended.

Step 2: Engineers at MIT and other schools get a lot of positive publicity for their pranks. Hanging cars from bridges, welding Master Chief helmets onto statues - these guys get people talking. Now, I am sure that we can think of something clever too, so it is just a matter of dealing with McGill’s administration, which doesn’t have a sense of fun.

We can divert a portion of the EUS budget to bribe McGill officials into looking the other way (and even participate) in the pranks, and ensure the fallout is reasonable. We can also use money to make our pranks not only clever, but extravagant. I’m talking “relocate James Admin to Winnipeg” extravagant. Ultimately, we will make a profit on the advertising, so why not?

Step 3: The SSMU Clubhouse should be converted into a petting zoo. Exam-time puppies are no longer enough to cause a stir - we need a veritable Noah’s Ark. The implementation of this policy will get us publicity in the short term, but it is also good for long term attention.

We can train animals to perform entertaining tasks (look, an ice-skating zebra!) which will be internet sensations.

We can simultaneously publish articles condemning the exploitation of animals, thereby doubling the profits!

(There will be no real exploitation though – the animals will be fairly paid) Step 4: McGill’s idea of good publicity is preparing large dishes of food, like the fruit salad or tomato cake. I don’t think they have the know-how to do anything more original, so let’s just have them prepare something ridiculous every week. 9000 lb bison burgets, a flaming Lower Field of crème brûlée - anything goes. It will be advertised as “Epic McGill Mealtime”, and will cause worldwide food shortages.

Step 5: The McGill Daily can keep up the good work. We’ll just promote it more.

And there you have it. By exploiting our strengths, we can be the wealthiest students in North America. Remember, just be yourself, and good things will come!

the plumber’s FAUCET

15

The Heart, the Guitar, and the Gold

by Reid Hadaway

In order to commemorate this most joyous of holidays, the PPO decided to support the Heart & Stroke Foundation by serenading the many people of McGill, as well as providing them with gifts such as chocolate, flowers, balloons, music, and love (which of course is the greatest of donations).

While Cupid decided to grab himself a beer along with a Plumber’s Pocket (the Blues Pub special), the PPO gathered their lab coats, guitars, and beer, and began their long-awaited journey to spread the love where they could. Across campus, beautiful singing caught the ears of all of those around, and inspired people to not only join in the festivities, but to proclaim their love for their significant others.

This event’s significance was so great that the minstrels of the PPO decided to immortalize this event with the help of Cupid and some Love Potion (the kind of Love Potion bought at Blues Pub). A poem was brought forth to signify the accomplishments that had come from this day, and read as such:

On Valentine’s Day, while the classes were taught, The PPO gathered with their wondrous plot, To show the students of McGill how they cared, And sing songs which could not be compared, They gave chocolate, flowers, and plenty of beer, So much so, that everyone cheered, For no one else could have done so well, Not Mars, not Taylor, not even Adele, Even though their inebriation levels were questionable, They continued to sing and show they were reputable, When the day had ended and Blues Pub was near, They went to bar of course, they are engineers.

Now to be serious (I know, but it must be done). The Golden Valentines Project brought by the PPO not only spread love around campus, but raised a significant amount of money for the Heart and Stroke Foundation. I applaud the PPO (as well as all the volunteers who came out to help them!) for their hard work, and look forward to seeing them next year with some more golden singing.

photo cred: Hadi Sayar

This Valentine’s Day, while love floated in the air and Cupid sharpened his arrows to spread the love amongst the many people of McGill, the engineers had other plans for this love-filled holiday. In preparation for arriving at the most romantic place on campus (and yes, I am talking about Blues Pub), the Plumber’s Philharmonic Orchestra decided to put their musical talent to the test and provide Cupid with a much needed break.

16 the plumber’s FAUCET

VEEV LAH ANGLAZE!

de Winston Angelis, Anglophone Correspondent to the Faucet Not to speak of peacocks, the spotted skins of tigers and panthers, and the rich colours of so many animals, a trifling thing apparently to speak of, but of inestimable importance, when we give it due consideration, is the existence of so many languages among the various nations, so many modes of speech, so great a variety of expressions; that to another, a man who is of a different country, is almost the same as no man at all.

~Pliny, Naturalis Historia

Well, it seems that the quatre is out of the bague. That’s Montreal for the cat’s out of the bag, don’t you know? Or maybe it was that the chat is out of the sac? That means the Shah has woken up. Anyway, care to chat? Or to cat? I’ve had it just about up to here (you can’t see me, but I’m actually holding my flattened palm quite high right now) with the language barrier, and am coming to wish that it were as easy and effortless to pass as the Milton bicycle gates (O!, why were they ever torn down? Those pearly gates of ivory that protected us in our towers from the common rabble, the 9944/100%).

Why, only the other day, I found myself in need of getting to a class that had at the last minute been relocated up-campus, to a building on the Avenue of Pins. Presumably, it intersected somewhere along the line with the Avenue of Needles, before merging into the Avenue of Tacks. (Whew, all these puns are tacksing.)

Anyway, I ask a passerby for directions, in what I believed to be almost fluent English (I learned it before arriving, as I thought it might come in handy in dealing with the townies), and what response do I get? Barrages of laughter, and the giggling assurance, Maudit Anglais (that’s French for Mister Angelis, my name, though I don’t quite recall telling him), that I am really looking for a street called ‘pah.’ Now, I ask you in all sincerity, as I am still not entirely certain that he wasn’t pulling my leg: What kind of a name is ‘pah’ for a street, nay, a major thoroughfare, a pulsing artery of the metropolis that is Royal Mountain?

Anyway, I tell you, I went home and looked it up, I did, because I wished to be fully informed, and listen to this: ‘pah’ doesn’t mean ‘pins’ at all! I was, of course entirely correct in not trusting the blasted Frenchie!

To them, what we rational ones call a decent, Godfearing ‘pin,’ they call an amoral abomination of an ‘epingle!’

The very gall! The very Gaul! To let even one of our pins mingle and jingle with a single epingle . . . it makes me tingle.

Not to be stopped by this revelation, I went on to inquire as to the meaning of ‘pah,’ and discovered that it is properly (if anything about this silly language can be called proper) spelled as ‘pain.’ So, what you and I have been walking down, blissfully ignorant, on our way to classes, taught, mind you, in English, is deemed by these barbarous natives “The Street of Pain”! I wish I had never even become party to this wretched conspiracy against our noble tongue in the boulevards of this city . ... I rue the day.

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