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THE BIG BOOK OF STUPID

Dear Tom… Dear Tom I hope you can help me. I’ve recently moved into a new flat and at first, I was very happy with it. But as time has passed, I’m beginning to regret my decision. The whole flat is riddled with woodworm, there is a large damp patch on one of the walls and I have an infestation of cockroaches in the kitchen. On top of this, the landlord has drilled holes in both the bathroom and bedroom walls and spies on me from his neighbouring flat whenever I am naked. I am convinced that I would not be spied on like this if I wasn’t a 20 year old blonde woman with 38DD breasts. What can I do?

Desperate, Harrogate Dear Desperate I don’t normally get involved personally in such cases, but I am prepared to make an exception and visit your landlord to discuss your situation in greater detail. Could you please let me know when you will next be taking a shower, so that I can be sure to catch your landlord in the act?

the crazymadhouse

THE BIG BOOK OF STUPID

Professor Bloomin-Heck’s

Guide To Life How to determine the gender of a human.

1. Gather a human and take it back to your house.

(Note: humans are the things you will see walking around on two legs. If you choose one of those things with four legs, this process will not work.)

2. Ask your human if it wants a beer. If the human answers "yes", there is a good chance you have found a "male". This can be confirmed by following point 4.

3. Ask your human if your handbag matches your shoes.

If the human answers "yes", there is a good chance you have found a "female". This can be confirmed by following point 5.

4. If your human wipes its nose on its sleeve, belches a lot and smells a bit, you have definitely found a "male".

Mission completed.

5. If your human tidies your house, has bad moods every month, asks if its bum looks big in this and criticises your fashion sense, you have definitely found a "female". Another complete success.

6. If you are unable to determine the gender of human using these steps, try offering your human a banana. If it accepts and starts searching your hair for fleas, you

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THE BIG BOOK OF STUPID

have found a monkey. Go back to step 1 and try again.

Do not be embarrassed, this happens regularly to me.

Professor Bloomin-Heck’s

Guide to Life How to get drunk.

Remember folks, alcohol is best enjoyed in moderation.

There is nothing big or clever about falling over several times and making a complete arse of yourself before throwing up all over your spouse/ girlfriend/ dog/ police officer. It is, however, very funny to watch so please feel free to drink as much as you like in this case.

1. Find a glass (please see earlier chapter "how to drink a glass of water" for instructions on this step.)

2. Find some alcohol. This can be many different colours and so could prove rather difficult.

Alcohol is sometimes found as a yellowish liquid called "beer", although some yellowish liquids are called "urine" and drinking this would not have the same effect.

3. Actually, quite a lot of alcoholic liquids could easily be mistaken for other liquids. Please be careful when drinking clear, colourless liquids, particularly those in bottles marked "bleach" or

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THE BIG BOOK OF STUPID

"turps". Brown liquids could be "beer" but could also be a bad case of diahorrea. Blue liquids could be a nice cocktail or could be a toilet block.

Perhaps it would be a good idea to ask someone to ensure the liquid you are hoping to drink is in fact alcohol.

4. Once you have established the alcoholness of your drink, proceed to pour it into your glass. Be careful not to spill any of the alcoholic drink as this is unforgivable.

5. Drink the contents of the glass. If you are unsure how to drink, please read the relevant section.

6. Repeat steps 4 and 5 several times.

7. In order to test your drunkenness, try walking a few steps. (If you are unsure how to walk, please read the relevant section in this book) If you find that you cannot manage this, the chances are you have achieved drunk status. If not, continue repeating steps 4 and 5.

8. Check whether you can see clearly. If not, congratulations. If you can still see perfectly, continue to repeat steps 4 and 5.

9. Try speaking. (If you are unsure how to speak, please read *hic* read *hic* the revelant sheckshun) If you can still speak, drink some more.

10.Chy tryping. If the wodsr stop makng sonse, you have porbably got drank. Stop repeatng stops 4 add 5 11.I really love you.

12.*hic* what are you looking at? Wanna fight or what? Come on then, I'll have ya. Who has got my drink?

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THE BIG BOOK OF STUPID

What number is it? I dunno. Who cares? Yaaaa! *hic* Uh oh, I don’t feel too good...

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THE BIG BOOK OF STUPID

Professor Bloomin-Heck’s

Guide

to Life How to disarm a bomb.

I am very excited as I write this, having just joined a Distance Learning Course in Bomb Disposal and am about to take you on a journey of discovery with me.

1. Establish the type of bomb. Some bombs are very dangerous, and some are not. This guide is on disarming bombs of the explosive type and NOT disarming fizz bombs, the very sour and sugary sweets that were popular in the 1980's.

2. Look for a timer. Timers are usually in the form of a clock and usually have a countdown facility. If the countdown is showing ten seconds or less, carefully place your head between your legs and kiss your arse goodbye.

3. Bombs tend to have an explosive charge. These are easily recognised by the large writing that reads "explosive charge" along the side. Carefully grip this and shake it violently. If the explosive charge does not explode, it is probably a false alarm.

4. Another common feature of bombs is the wires. Bombs usually have two wires, a red and a blue. As with most spy films, such as James Bond movies, always cut the blue w...

(Ed. It is with deep regret that I must inform you that the author of this article has sadly passed away.

Should anyone wish to volunteer to

finish this article, please contact the publisher) Professor Bloomin-Heck’s

Guide

to Life How to catch the fish inside your television.

Fish inside your television can cause an inconvenience, particularly if you are in the middle of watching American Idol or The Simpsons. They can also be a source of embarrassment when your parents come to visit. But how do you remove these pesky fish?

Simply follow this guide, which uses common items found in most households.

1. Take a small paperclip and bend it until it resembles an S shape. If you do not know what an S shape looks like, your local pre-school may have useful tips.

2. Attach one end of the paperclip to a thin piece of copper wire.

3. Pass the paperclip through the vent slots at the back of the television, taking care to hold the end of the copper wire. It would not be a good idea to let go of the wire, as you will have to make another fishing device.

4. Shake the wire from side to side so that the paperclip swings inside the television set. When you feel a sharp "tug", you have caught a fish and you may remove it.

5. Repeat steps 3 and 4 until all of those pesky fish have gone.

Please note, this exercise works much better if the television set is switched on.

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THE BIG BOOK OF STUPID

Professor Bloomin-Heck’s

Guide

to Life How to get drunk 2 How to sneak into bed after getting drunk.

This section assumes you have previously followed our guide "How to get drunk" and are still in a state of intoxication. As such, please read this guide slowly, so as not to make yourself feel too dizzy.

1. Make your way home. It may be a good idea to have your address tattooed on your forehead in case you have trouble remembering how to get home, preferably before you embark on your alcohol journey.

2. Open your door. This may prove difficult as your partner/parent/prison officer may have locked the door. If this is the case, remove your keys from your pocket and make several attempts to insert the key into the lock. If you are unable to insert