Mindfully parenting the older toddler

Mindfully parenting the older

toddler

BY NIKKI SMITH

Children are like sponges. What you say, how you react, your body language and the way that you talk to your children are watched, noticed and certainly mimicked.

Your older toddler thrives on positive praise, for example if your child is playing well with their sibling, if they are colouring in quietly or are playing toys and you have given them positive praise such as ‘I love how you’re sharing so well with your sister,’ then they will continue with that behaviour because they are receiving positive attention from you, their parent.

If though, for example you only pay them attention when they are fighting with their brother or when they are whining then this type of behaviour will continue due to your focus only being on them whilst they are exerting negative behaviour.

As parents if we can continue to reinforce their positive behaviour by perhaps including ourselves in their game while they are playing or by giving them positive praise when they are being kind and sharing, then they will feel that their ‘attention cup’ is full and will continue with their positive behaviour.

Another way that you can fill up their ‘attention cup,’ is by connecting with them throughout the day with play, colouring in, playdough and outdoor play.

I tend to use the quota of 20/15 (20 minutes for me, 15 minutes for them).

I will also speak to them before hand and say something like; “Mummy needs to clean, work or have a little time to read her book so when the alarm goes off on mummy’s phone that means it’s play time for us!!

Just by being present throughout the day everybody’s moods can lift and ‘attention cups’ are always filling up.

Power struggles with your older toddler This next developmental phase can be tough. This stage tends to develop from ages 3 to 4 years and onwards. You can see this within the independence that starts to be displayed which tends to create the need for more self-control and autonomy.

The reason being is that the world that they are living in can be largely dictated by the adults in their life, most of the decisions are then based upon what the adult wants!

If they have little to no control over their autonomy, then they will start to push back! Yes, punishment seems to look like it’s working but this will always be for short term gain because there is ‘blame and shame’ involved in these feelings which then inevitably lead to them becoming scared of you and how you’ll react to their behaviour.

There is no learning happening for them, in fact long term it teaches them to lie to you because it’s how they’ll get out of the blame and shame pattern.

Discipline in Latin means to teach, so do that when you are gently drawing boundaries, there is a huge difference between ‘punishing’ and ‘teaching.’

As a mama of three young daughters, I am constantly catching myself when my tone of voice is dripping in frustration. I will usually stop what I am saying, or what I’m doing, take a deep breath in and then out, and begin again.

Let’s look at a few examples of ‘teaching.’ CHOICES Give your older toddler choices, for example, ‘I will read to you after you brush your teeth.’ ‘I will only drive the car if your seatbelt is buckled up.’ Let them help if that’s what they’d like. Letting them put the belt over their shoulder and maybe help you to click it in.

FOLLOW THROUGH If you have stated that they cannot play outside until they have packed up all of their toys, then you need to follow through with that.

Packing up toys is usually one of our expectations as parents because we like to keep a tidy house, your toddler would be more than happy to walk through and around their toys all day long!

Therefore, packing up for them is neither fun nor necessary.

To make packing up fun and a little easier we sing a song together, ‘it’s time to pack away, the work is done, we’ve had our fun, its time to pack away,’ on repeat while packing away the toys. All three of our girls have packed away without a fuss while we’re singing that song!

If packing up still doesn’t happen, then you need to follow through with the mindful consequence that you’ve stated. I say mindful because the consequence you give always needs to be fair for their age and related. Packing up indoor toys so that they can play with their outdoor toys is fair and related.

REFLECTIVE LISTENING Listening is where it’s at the absolute crux of human connection. Listening carefully to your little people from the very start is the best way to show them that you care – you are willing and able to connect wholeheartedly.

When you open up your heart space to truly listen, really connect unconditionally and without judgement your child’s emotions will rock you to the very corethey lead with love because they know nothing else. So, let’s do the same.

Stopping what you are doing, listening and then reflecting to your toddler what it is that they have said, this will then show them that you are really hearing them, that being heard matters and that you are respecting their feelings.

If you are wondering if your child really is a good listener or why it seems that they never hear you; Go deep and lean in – are you wholeheartedly listening to them? A HUG No one is ever too little (or too big!) for a hug! Hugs literally change our mood, when we hug someone, oxytocin is released into our bodies via our pituitary gland, it then begins to lower both our heart rates and our cortisol levels. Cortisol is the hormone that is responsible for stress, so why wouldn’t we want to increase our connection with a big hug so it can benefit both of our wellbeing, especially after a big upset!

As parents our children will naturally turn to us in times of comfort; They look up to us to show them the way. In early childhood they need our assistance in regulating their big emotions and feelings, we can begin to do that mindfully if we put some thought into it, because after all, we are their role models.

Being a mindful and conscious parent is a HUGE responsibility and sometimes I will literally feel the weight of that upon my shoulders and in my heart.

What I do know though, is that when I practice softening my approach with my children I will noticeably see them soften too.

It takes A LOT of patience! Always a few tears (on my part too!) but with your actions and words changing to a softer state of being you can begin to change your child’s intense reactions too.

When we can begin to think mindfully about how we wish to parent our children we will then be able to become more accepting of the things in life that we cannot change (such as their fiery temperament!) and begin to be more about living in the now.

When we stop fighting fire with fire, we can then begin a new journey into mindful parenting, a journey into contentment, doing exactly what we are designed for.

Being in the moment with our children.

Nikki Smith is a Registered Nurse and a Qualified Child and Family Nurse. A mama of three beautiful daughters with a strong belief in raising our children consciously and intuitively. Nikki is the founder of Earthway Parenting andhas developed and is facilitating Post Partum Care and Tuning into your Toddler Workshops. Nikki also provides in home, one on one consultations according to the unique needs of your family focusing on gentle parenting for your infant and/or toddler. You can find more information here www.earthwayparenting.com.au

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