Multidimensional

August 2019 was the hardest month of my life. The publishing dream job I had been at for over two years sat me down and told me straight that they could no longer afford me. For months, I had a feeling that things were changing at my job, but I was too naive to admit it. I played dumb most days, hoping that if I did my job well, then they couldn’t possibly let me go. I had been made to feel I was a part of a family unit for years, but the last few weeks I spent at my job, my bosses had become distant and cold. The day they let me go, my boss printed out 20 pages of search results off of Indeed. He handed it to me confidently as if my next job would magically appear within these pages. They gave me the option to finish the day out, or the week, it was up to me. I decided to leave a few days later. A day seemed too short and a week seemed too long.

Then, as if the universe wasn’t satisfied enough with my situation, I realized that my period was two days late. Initially, I didn’t think much of it, other than that I was stressed and starting to fall into a depression. I was working on updating my portfolio, and I had asked a friend to help me on a project. We met at an ice cream shop to talk and catch up. In the middle of our conversation her attention went to a group of kids waiting in line. She interrupted and said, “Would you ever have children?” My face went completely numb, and I didn’t know how to answer. I might have had said something vague or generic, like, “Maybe one day.” I was caught off-guard by it, because it’s as if she knew and was speaking directly to my inner-conscious. The next day, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.

August didn’t end there. It kept tormenting me. Telling my partner I was pregnant put some strain on our relationship. We had moved fast and became serious very quickly, but telling him I was pregnant four months in wasn’t something either of us expected. We fought about where our relationship would go. What we would do. What I would do. Ultimately, the decision I would have to make.

We broke up for a few weeks, and in that time I was so lost. I had no job, no partner, and no idea how to navigate motherhood. September was creeping in, and all I wanted was for time to stop. I needed more than what reality was giving me. I needed to have some revelation and I needed to have it quick.

But that’s not how the universe works, right? No. Not at all.

I put a hold on the magazine. At the time I believed I would never be able to create another issue. It seemed impossible to create the magazine without the resources my publishing job had given me. Then with everything else in my life, how could I continue pursuing my dream?

My revelation did happen, sooner than I had expected and it happened in the Chilis parking lot. I asked my partner to meet me for dinner one night. Chili’s just happened to be what I was craving. We sat in my car and talked about how we felt and what we really wanted for ourselves. We were both scared and had no idea how to be parents. But every other option didn’t feel right to us. We talked about how our realities seemed to be playing tricks on us. Everything we had thought we knew no longer made any sense. He knew being a dad would be transformative for his life and for his soul. For me, it was about timing. My whole life had changed, and it would continue to change. I could go with the change or I could rage against it. I decided to go with it. I no longer felt that the universe was tormenting me, but instead was handing me beautiful gifts covered in terrifying wrapping paper.

In the last nine months, change has been the only constant. September did roll around, and I found a job. Not a dream job, but a job that allowed me some stability, health insurance, a reliable paycheck, and would work with my maternity leave. I told my family and friends about my decision to become a mom. Though it was a shock to some, it was received full of love. My relationship with my partner became stronger, and creating a new family with him brought me so much joy.

During this time I knew that I didn’t want to lose sight of my dreams. Before my relationship, my job was what brought me joy. The magazine was a direct product of that. Before my baby, my magazine was my baby. I decided to continue the magazine. I took a break in the fall, but starting January 1st I would work on a new issue.

I asked some of my closest friends for help. I was grateful and relieved that they were down to become part of this magazine. Not only help in the produuction but take on roles that had been difficult for me to accomplish. Their past experiences allowed the magazine to become more than I had originally envisioned. It gave it some much-needed credentials. I had a team with me. A community of support.

When coming up with the theme I knew I didn’t want it to be easy. Everything that was going on in my life, I knew that I needed the next issue to mirror what I was going through. I came up with multidimensional because I needed to look at the world in a multitude of ways. Intersectional feminism isn’t just one-sided so why would anything else we study be the same? People are multidimensional. Everything we are from our behaviors, our jobs, our roles, our identity. Everything we encompass does not just exist in one dimension. No matter what you believe in or the last thing you remember from science class. We exist infinitely beyond and with-in our own realities.

I’m writing this about 12 days shy of my due date. No one could’ve prepared me for what is about to happen, let alone in the middle of global pandemic. I started this isssue hoping to dig into some controversial topics that went beyond our rational thinking, but what resulted was finding out how complex people really are. One event has completely changed our lives. Adapting to our new normal has shown us that we are more than just cogs in a machine. It has shown us that our basic needs are more important than these ideas society has created for us. It has proven that we are multidimensional beings trying to survive.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. But change is constant, and I’m going with it. Some days I wish I was in another reality. A reality a little less frightening. But that’s not how the universe works, right?

Monica Valenzuela Founder