DeeDee Foley

I am recovering. I had a dream that was not heaven, I put my hope in something that was not Christ. I had only goals that were not eternal. I lost sight of Jesus and all became darkness. The despair of my heart was like a weight pulling me down, away from light, away from air. Drowning in the mud-pit of my own self-sufficiency, Loving by smothering, controlling, manipulating to please myself, all conditional love. Sensitive to the needs of others and enslaved to a reactionary master too needy to let any ball drop lest someone be unhappy with me. "Self-sacrificing" in the unofficial contest for "martyr of the year". Reliable to everyone except the ones that needed me most. Energetic when someone was watching. Self-controlled like a tyrant not even hearing my own painful screams for mercy. Creative at keeping and making rules to live by. All of my self-made virtues were poisonous counterfeits of the real gifts God has given me for life and godliness. Reality began with a cry to God for help, Then confe