being Emotionally street-smart

being

Emotionally streetstreetsmart

Deep Mody

This book is an initiative to ‘Give GiveGive-Back’ Back to society

All I have learnt is from the world around me and I continue to use the knowledge to step-up in my life and be ‘happy’. This is my attempt to give-back to society what it has helped me earn, to share my learning and knowledge.

Index Sr. no. Section

Page no. no.

1

Introduction

1

2

Hierarchy of Needs & Wants

3

3

Barter – way of life

5

4

Credibility – currency for barter

8

5

Understanding advanced Needs

10

6

Developing Credibility

14

7

Emotions

23

8

Identifying Emotions

27

9

Risk taking appetite – The Emotional Impact

10

Experiencing negative Emotions – Manage v/s Control

11

12

29

31

Ever growing Needs and role of Emotions – a complex system

34

The classic conflict – Heart or Brain

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being Emotionally street-smart

Introduction

Introduction Being ‘Emotionally street-smart’ is an expression that represents gaining emotional intelligence and using it in day-to-day life. Emotions are representation of how satisfied our Needs are, so to understand Emotions it is essential to understand what Needs are and how they impact Human Decision Making.

We all have our own micro-theories to explain; how does Human mind work, how do people make decisions, how to predict who would do what & when, how do people behave and why, what are emotions and how to deal with them, how to live life in ‘best’ way possible, etc.. But there is always something missing, the dilemma to listen to heart or brain, the sadness in spite of having everything one aimed for or lack of motivation to work for the ‘obvious’ target.

Here is an attempt to understand what drives Human Decision Making. Understanding basic human needs and forces that drive towards satisfying them. Role of Emotions. Role of culture and traditions including past experiences.

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being Emotionally street-smart

Introduction

By the end of this book one can expect to have practical and usable methods to be ‘Emotionally street-smart’. The topics covered here are a part of an in-depth informal research study and references mentioned are easily available on common search engines. The language is kept simple so the reader is not sent to dictionary.

To understand the concepts mentioned, it is highly recommended to reflect with your own experiences. Recognising relation to matter written here with your past experiences will help you gain better confidence in ways of using these tools and methods.

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Hierarchy of Needs & Wants

Hierarchy of Needs & Wants Across various researches it is established that human beings have few well defined needs and a natural hierarchy is observed in which every person moves ahead. It is important to identify difference between Need and Want. To put it in simple words Need is a basic necessity and Want is means to satisfy that Need. You can change what you want, but you cannot change what you need1.

Basic needs2 are identified as physiological needs; physical requirements for human survival.

Air, water, and food are metabolic requirements for survival in all animals, including humans.

Clothing and shelter provide necessary protection from the elements. While maintaining an adequate birth rate shapes the intensity of the human sexual instinct, sexual competition may also shape said instinct. People are motivated to aim at advanced Needs of Love, Family, Friendship, Respect, etc. only after basic needs are taken care of.

Want is very complex in its functioning. We understand that it is means to satisfy a need, 3

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Hierarchy of Needs & Wants

but often every want has its focus on multiple needs. To understand it better let us discuss few simple examples, Need of hunger can be satisfied by either road side food or a fancy restaurant. However, fancy restaurant also satisfies Esteem need. Similarly need for protection from elements, shelter, can be satisfied by a simple hut, but having a big strong built house is again facilitating satisfaction of Security and Esteem needs.

Human Decision Making is always focused on satisfying Needs through Wants. It is important to identify all Needs associated with any Want.

Basic Needs are simple to identify, but Needs like Esteem are more complex to understand. In further sections we will be discussing natural process that one tends to follow to satisfy these needs and what goes into defining the elements of that process.

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Barter – way of life

Barter – way of life People are highly dependent on others to satisfy their own needs. We build Relationships with other individuals with purpose of getting our needs satisfied. The rules of relationship are defined as we device various mechanisms, processes, way of functioning, etc. Few are clearly communicated and most are not, they are assumed to exist*. *Psychological Contract between two individuals drives the unsaid and assumed expectations.

The entire process is driven by a common principle of Barter; exchange of ‘satisfying needs’ between two individuals. People in relationships (any kind; personal, professional, social, friends, family, etc.) put efforts helping others gain what they desire and in-turn seek from them what they personally desire. People have their own Individual theories about how the world works and what action leads to what result. These theories are developed by their learning, experience, traditions and operant conditioning*. These theories ‘Define’ an individual and their personality. We will be discussing more about it in sections ahead.

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Barter – way of life

*Operant Conditioning - A learning process in which the likelihood of a specific behavior is increased or decreased through positive or negative reinforcement each time the behavior is exhibited, so that the subject comes to associate the pleasure or displeasure of the reinforcement with the behavior

Keeping the above in mind, it would not be incorrect to state that Human beings focus on their needs first, any or every act of doing something for others is with an underlying assumption (from their theories) of that act being beneficial to their personal satisfaction of needs. Unsatisfied needs are usually result of inconsistency of theories with realistic practical facts. To elaborate a little on it, instances when assumptions leading to predicted results are incorrect, the results are not what are desired.

Emotions are result of satisfied or unsatisfied needs, we will be discussing more about it in sections ahead.

We will focus on few aspects of theories that make them effective. While we look at Barter in general, it requires two individuals who; Need something, Have what the other one wants and Have clear understanding of value of exchange.

To understand this better I urge everyone to think of a relationship you are happy in and 6

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Barter – way of life

another where you are not happy. List down the following:

1. Your Needs from the relationship.

2. How much capable is the other person of satisfying your Needs?

3. Other person’s Needs.

4. How much capable are you of satisfying other person’s Needs?

5. Are the values of exchange clearly defined?

6. Are those defined terms clearly communicated, understood and accepted?

It is generally observed that it is very easy to list down your Personal Needs and they are also often communicated. With little efforts even other person’s Needs are recognised. What often gets ignored is capability of satisfying the other one’s Needs and defining terms and values of exchange. Ofcourse it is not always feasible to articulate all terms and values of exchange, usually they are assumed to exist and nonverbally communicated by actions.

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Credibility – currency for barter

Credibility – currency for barter As established earlier, relationships are driven by putting efforts in giving what the other one desires hoping to get what you desire. But the question is how much to invest in at first? Invest in-terms of time, energy, money, space of mind, etc. Credibility of a person to deliver your desires in exchange of your efforts defines your level of relationship. My relationship is very close to my best friend because she has proved her capability in delivering to my expectations, so I do not mind investing or putting lot of efforts for something she desires as I know I will get my returns. Closer relationship means very high credibility.

Usually Credibility for a person whom you’re interacting with for the first time is defined by your past experiences with that ‘kind’ of person.

We tend to look at stereotype of individuals.

Reiterating, Our Individual theories of how the world works are largely dependent on our past experiences, learning, traditions and operant conditioning.

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Credibility – currency for barter

The estimate of efforts to be invested in an individual, you’re interacting with for the first time, is a result of mix of Credibility we derive at (as mentioned in previous para) and capability of that individual to satisfy our Need. Let us take a random example of men being readily available to help unknown ‘attractive’ women.

Possibly those men do that because their Individual theory tell them that wooing women by giving what they desire can make that woman give them what they want and one has to invest more than usual to gain attention of such attractive woman. Also possibly they can see capability of that woman to enormously satisfy their sexual need and Esteem need (holding their head high proudly by being with an attractive woman).

I once again urge reader to reflect on the concepts with their past experiences and decide to accept.

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Understanding advanced Needs

Understanding advanced Needs Security While we have formulated basis of human relationships and exchange of ‘satisfaction of needs’, it is also important to understand that once our Needs are satisfied and we are in ‘Happy’ state, we want it to be that way forever.

Relationships flourish when both individuals involved continue to satisfy each other’s needs.

The theories they both have developed about how things work and their mutual agreement of value exchange of needs are in perfect sync.

Such relationships carry individuals with some crucial understanding about constant change. As discussed earlier, individual Needs change in hierarchical order, where satisfaction of one need leads to craving for another. Each of the individuals involved should increase their individual capability of delivering changing needs of other and also revise their value exchange terms constantly. This is a skill that a person develops over period of time. As mentioned in brief earlier that Individual theories about how things work are developed and improved as 10

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Understanding advanced Needs

experiences add, such delicate management of relationships to make them last longer requires time & efforts.

Need for Security or say consistently satisfying all other Needs is an important aspect of Human Decision Making.

Love Love is often most admired Need and most desired. What makes it so? Let us look at definition of Love. Love is defined as a

profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person; to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in; to need or require; benefit greatly from3. Maintaining the reference we are using in this text, it is desire to have a relationship where Needs are immensely satisfied. Often relationships which cater to satisfying almost all Needs and in highly satisfying manner. The person you Love has high credibility to satisfy your multiple Needs. Often we come across instances when one is in Love with other, but not necessarily the other way around. In this case when we look at things from 11

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Understanding advanced Needs

perspective of first person, the second one is found to be highly capable of meeting first person’s desires, however, when we look at things from second person’s perspective, first one may not have all that capability of meeting second one’s Needs. Hence First one finds second person Highly Credible, or say is in Love, but the second person is not.

While we discuss High Credibility, we are discussing high risk. Meeting the Need of love leads to extremely positive emotions and loss leads to extremely negative emotions. We will be discussing this at length in section for Emotions ahead.

Respect Esteem is Need most focused on in this text.

Self-Respect and Respect from others are usual sub divisions of the Esteem Need4. While Confidence and Self Respect helps one gain Respect from others, let us understand the term Respect. Respect is defined as esteem for or a

sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something 12

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Understanding advanced Needs

considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability5. Maintaining the reference we are using in this text, it is certainly safe to conclude that Respect = Credibility; ability of a person to deliver on expectations. When one aims at Esteem need, the base of the same is found at desire to increase Credibility. A little ahead I will share brief comparison of Love and Respect making it easier to understand the distinction.

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Developing Credibility

Developing Credibility Credibility is what makes you capable (in eyes of others) of delivering expectations and hence, worthy of investment by others to help you satisfy your Needs. We will explore the potential of two methods of satisfying the same.

Know-How – Individual theory of how the world works The best way to convince someone that you have done something is by actually doing it!

Understanding how things work and making it happen builds people’s confidence in you to do things. Elaborating this by few examples; knowing how to hunt and by hunting well you build your Credibility to satisfy hunger, knowing how to build a house and by building a good one you build your Credibility to satisfy Need of protection, knowing how to teach people to gain Credibility and successfully doing that you gain Credibility to make people credible (Esteem Need).

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Developing Credibility

Know-How about how the world works is developed by learning, experience, traditions and Operant conditioning. While we are exposed to various concepts (including this book), we also often come across many conflicting views. One has to be very careful in accepting anything they come across. Pragmatism* is the key to authentic Know-How. Often inconsistent understanding of the way things work leads to non-achievement of results and hence loss of Credibility. Blindly believing anything without any attempt to question practical applicability of a theory can be of great risk. It is always advisable to develop your Individual theories from credible sources. *Pragmatism – character or conduct that emphasizes practicality; a philosophical movement or system having various forms, but generally stressing practical consequences as constituting the essential criterion in determining meaning, truth, or value.

Credibility Exchange Going beyond Know-How and actually doing things an important part that plays role is Credibility Exchange. Let us understand that Credibility of a person is defined by capability to deliver and it by default is a comparative statement. Higher 15

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Developing Credibility

Credibility is achieved by either increasing yours or reducing other’s. To help you relate to it, we tend to respect those who respect us and we tend to insult those who insult us. Reducing other person’s Credibility (taking away Respect) is an ancient tool used by people, it often comes from those who have failed to develop their Credibility by Know-How (not knowing how things work and hence, failing to achieve something desired). As much important it is to give Respect (increase someone’s Credibility by praising in public or by various other means), it is equally important to understand how one attempts at reducing your Credibility (taking away your respect by insulting you). This no-way implies that you should engage in similar act, but understanding this is important as you know what is happening. Such loss of Respect usually leads to negative emotions (just like lack of any desired Need). An attempt should be made to build relationship keeping in mind steps mentioned above (section of Barter – way of life).

In an attempt to compare Love and Respect, one can state that Love is desire (Need) to have 16

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Developing Credibility

those special few relationships where ‘Credibility Exchange’ is very high and it caters to ‘All Needs’, however, Respect is desire (Need) to have many relationships where ‘Credibility Exchange’ is very high but with limited scope of catering to Credibility Need (gaining more Respect – Esteem Need).

While we understand the importance of Credibility we can certainly conclude that Relationship with any individual is defined purely

by Credibility. Depending on the Needs involved in barter, the type of relationship is defined. Let us do a small exercise and fill the table below:

Relationship

Needs involved in barter - all Needs involved

Level of closeness in relationship (Level of Credibility Exchange; HighMedium-Low)

Friendship Boss Spouse Children Best Friend Extra marital affair Colleague 17

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Developing Credibility

Team Member Sibling Teacher Student You will observe that relationships where more Needs are involved or Credibility Exchange is High, are usually very close and strong relationships. At the same time they are also vulnerable to extreme Emotions in case of not meeting expectations.

Defining yourself – your Individual Culture Culture is commonly used term and before we begin discussing about it, we will understand what exactly it means. Culture is defined as the

quality in a person or society that arises from a concern for what is regarded as excellent; the behaviors and beliefs characteristic of a particular social, ethnic, or age group6. To elaborate, it is collection of Behaviour driven by few core Values. Any person’s actions or

reactions to situations are driven by combination of 3 things; Need, Desire (Want that is considered valuable and effective to satisfy corresponding Need) and Individual theory of 18

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Developing Credibility

how to achieve what is Desired. Behaviour of a person (act) in various situations is usually repetitive. Collection of all such Behaviour defines a person, way of life or say Culture of a person, Individual Culture.

We will spend some time understanding difference between Need and Desire. We have been constantly discussing Need and how one’s Individual theory helps that person satisfy those Needs. We have also discussed and established that Wants are means of satisfying Needs and various Wants can satisfy the same Need. Which Want to focus on or say which Want is Desired to be achieved is defined in Individual theory of that person. What has been taught to achieve, what has been defined as ‘Respectful’ by those around that person becomes a part of what is Desired. Let us look at few examples: Need to satisfy Hunger

Sex

Want defined by those around that person as means to Satisfy the Need Culture 1 Culture 2 Culture 3 Home Roasted Eggeterian cooked chicken Veg. food Getting Prostitute Girlfriend / married Wife 19

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SelfRespect Respect by others

Adhering to religious practices Stringent follower of society norms

Developing Credibility

Workout with weight

Educational qualifications

Wheelie on bike

Plush house, car, etc.

Each Need has various levels; the complex hierarchy of Needs is not just shifting from Basic to Advanced, but also different levels with-in each Need. We will discuss that at length in sections ahead.

So coming back to Individual Culture, reiterating, it is collection of Behaviour of a person driven by Individual theory to achieve what is Desired. It is very crucial to understand Individual Culture of self and the person you are in relationship with. This understanding helps us built relationships using points mentioned in section above (Barter – way of life). Let us take a small exercise to practice our understanding of this. Fill the column below for 3 people close to you. Mention various Desires (Wants) of that person that satisfies corresponding Need. This will help you understand better how that person makes decisions subconsciously and what may be expected from you.

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Need to satisfy

Developing Credibility

Desire of that person used to satisfy the corresponding Need Person 1 Person 2 Person 3

Name Hunger Thirst Sex Self-Respect (Confidence) Respect by others Individual Culture is what a person is, personality is. A person tends to do more of what has been working to achieve what is Desired. The tendency to be more of what you are is referred to as ‘Self Actualisation*’ in Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs7. *The term was later used by Abraham Maslow in his article, A Theory of Human Motivation, Maslow explicitly defines selfactualization to be "the desire for self-fulfillment, namely the tendency for him [the individual] to become actualized in what he is potentially

Every object, act, event, idea, thought, etc. has different connotative* meanings in different cultures, different emotions attached to same object, act, event, idea, thought, etc. This brings us to our discussion on understanding Emotions.

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Developing Credibility

What we have till now has established the base to learn an important part of Human Decision Making, Emotions. *Connotative - The set of associations implied by a word in addition to its literal meaning.

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Emotions

Emotions Out of all the experiences we carry, our journey with Emotions is the oldest. Emotions have been with us since birth and we all have our understanding and Individual theory about what they are, how they work, how to make the best of them, etc. The simple way Emotions can be defined is representation of satisfied or unsatisfied Needs. When you Desire something and achieve more than expected, you experience positive Emotions like joy, happiness, delight, etc. and in the event of not achieving what is Desired, you experience negative Emotions like sadness, anger, frustration, etc.

The entire essence of Emotions is based on Desire and our Individual theories on how to achieve what is Desired. We have spent significant amount of time, in sections above, understanding role of Desire and Individual theories, also how to master them. Before we go ahead, to build a platform for better understanding of what follows, I would recommend the reader to complete this exercise. Reflect on your past experience and fill the columns: 23

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What was Desired?

Was it achieved?

Emotions

How far was actual achievement from expectation? (more or less, as the case may be)

What Emotion you experienced?

While you list your personal experiences here, what is clearly observed is further away your

achievement is from expectation, stronger is the emotion. When we get exactly what you expected or say predicted, you do not experience strong emotions. Instances where your achievement is far exceeding projections, you feel overjoyed; whereas instances where your achievement is far lesser than what you predicted, you feel depressed.

So now you are actually relating your experiences and your Emotions!!!... Good job!

Let’s continue‌ 24

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Emotions

Does this also mean that people, who constantly achieve exactly what they predicted, do not feel extreme Emotions? Yes it does. Emotions are

Metric System to determine how realistic Individual theory is. Predicting an outcome is driven by your Know-How of the world. How accurately you understand all the forces at work, parameters involved in influencing an act, etc. More realistic your Individual theory is, better is your prediction of outcome. Think of instances when you had put in lot of efforts and were really really really hopeful that things turn out the way you want. You did not have clarity in predicting the outcome accurately, but when it happened the way you hoped for, you were not only extremely happy, but you also added learning from your experience and improved your Know-How about how things work making it more realistic. On the contrary, you did not feel any extreme Emotion when you took the same train which you do daily. The outcome of your efforts was predictable with high accuracy, hence, no extreme Emotion.

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Emotions

It is essential to understand predicting outcome

accurately does not necessarily imply being in control. You may not be in control, but you may still be able to predict the outcome accurately.

Inner Peace is achieved when your predictions are constantly achieved accurately, when there is not much variation in Emotions. Many experience such Inner Peace occasionally or as peak experiences once-in-a-while.

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Identifying Emotions

Identifying Emotions While we understand basics of what Emotions are and how they work, to master understanding of Emotions it is very essential to articulate your experiences accurately and name the Emotion you are feeling. Once we learn to identify and name an experience as an Emotion, it becomes much easier to determine the origin of the Emotion; i.e. to determine which achievement is not in sync with which Desire expected and is far away in which direction. This realization helps us improve our Individual theory making it more realistic.

Below is the emotion annotation and representation language (EARL) proposed by the Human-Machine Interaction Network on Emotion (HUMAINE) classifies 48 Emotions9.

Negative and forceful Anger Annoyance Contempt Disgust Irritation

Negative and passive Boredom Despair Disappointment Hurt Sadness

Positive thoughts Courage Hope Pride Satisfaction Trust 27

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Negative and not in control Anxiety Embarrassment Fear Helplessness Powerlessness Worry Negative thoughts Doubt Envy Frustration Guilt Shame

Identifying Emotions

Agitation Stress Shock Tension Positive and lively Amusement Delight Elation Excitement Happiness Joy Pleasure Caring Affection Empathy Friendliness Love

Quiet positive Calmness Contentment Relaxation Relief Serenity Reactive Interest Politeness Surprise

As an exercise I would urge the reader to do, write beside each Emotion when was the last time it was experienced.

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Risk taking appetite – The Emotional impact

Risk taking appetite – The Emotional impact Risk taking is an integral part of Human Decision Making process and Emotions play a large role in it. Any Rational human being takes Risk when he has enough to afford losing a little. Risk is usually taken to achieve Desire at upper level and in the event of not achieving it, the least what a person gains is better Know-How, better understanding of how things work. So there’s no real loss, it is just an estimate of the investment being worth it.

While referring to Emotional Impact we have learnt earlier in this text that often investment in terms of efforts (in terms of time, energy, money, space of mind, etc.) is needed while attempting to establish a new relationship or achieving Desire of higher level. Such investments are easily welcome when the person is either high on positive Emotions (remember making large promises when you were very happy?) or has robust mechanism (highly practical Individual theory) of achieving what is Desired (with highly realistic Know-How). People who are Emotionally resilient (capable of

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Risk taking appetite – The Emotional impact

recovering fast from loss) have higher appetite for Risk taking.

Let us look at an extreme positive end of this.

People who have highly realistic Know-How about how the world works and are have mastered the art of achieving their Desires, those with highly practical Individual theories, are often not much concerned about running for so called smaller things in life. Their Risk taking appetite is almost infinite. Such people aim at achieving what looks beyond capacity of ‘common man’.

Their acts are almost selfless. To elaborate with an example, think of a highly learned personality.

You would not find that person craving for basic respect or say would have no Ego whatsoever.

Acts by that person would aim at Desires which are at levels way beyond what a ‘common man’ runs for. Such acts are referred to as ‘going beyond themselves for the larger good’. This state is defined as ‘Self Transcendence*’ in Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs8. *self-transcendence – the overcoming of the limits of the individual self and its desires in spiritual contemplation and realization.

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Experiencing negative Emotions – Manage v/s Control

Experiencing negative Emotions – Manage v/s Control I would willfully like to draw attention towards understanding distinction between Manage and Control. The above mentioned content in this text will provide enough insight into understanding Emotions and their origin, but as we know knowledge is double edged sword, it is important to use it well.

Let us understand simple distinction between Manage and Control Manage According to Dictionary.com, Management is: The act or manner of managing; handling, direction.

Forecasting Planning Organizing

Control According to Dictionary.com, Control is: To exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command.

To hold in check; curb: to control a horse; to control one's emotions.

To eliminate or prevent the flourishing or spread of: to control a forest fire.

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Experiencing negative Emotions – Manage v/s Control

Commanding Coordinating Reaction to undesired: Accept, give it what it needs and then move on to what is desired.

Reaction to undesired: Suppress, Ignore, Avoid and focus on what is desired

While we experience negative Emotions, of course they are undesired (because they are experienced when you have not achieved what was Desired), how we focus on desired positive

Emotions is an art that one masters only over a period of time. Negative Emotions have been there and will always exist. Their presence is indication of an opportunity to focus on improving our Know-How, learning how things actually work and be more practical in our approach (be pragmatic). While we Manage Emotions, presence of negative Emotions is not be ignored or suppressed, rather they are to be accepted as a part of life and embraced. Give them the space and attention they demand. Give them the time they need to settle and the time they demand to analyse what went wrong, what could’ve been done better, what is realistic and 32

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Experiencing negative Emotions – Manage v/s Control

what to expect in future. Think of that time when you were really Sad, you did not have what you really wanted. You wanted to spend a lot of time alone trying to think about what went wrong and how you lost it. You wanted to cry or felt angry as something/someone took that away from you. In that moment, did you suppress, ignore or avoid your Emotions or did you embrace them and gave them the time, energy and space of mind they demanded? Ofcourse you need to move on to positivity in life, but as much important it is to manage your positive Emotions, it is in fact more important to manage your negative Emotions (as they are undesired).

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Ever growing Needs and role of Emotions – a complex system

Ever growing Needs and role of Emotions – a complex system Referring to discussed concept in the text earlier, Needs follow complex hierarchy, they don’t just move from basic to advanced, they also move up in their levels in each Need. To facilitate understanding of the same, below is a game with similar rules:

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Ever growing Needs and role of Emotions – a complex system

Similar to any game, this game has an Aim and few Rules.

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Ever growing Needs and role of Emotions – a complex system

Aim: To achieve as many points as possible Rules: You need to stand near the start line and throw marbles in the hole with the following rules:

1. You need to decide which hole to aim at before throwing the marble 2. If the marble goes inside the hole, you get points mentioned in that level and if you miss you lose the same amount of points from your total score.

3. All the holes will be closed at the beginning except A1.

4. Other holes will open when you master your skills of putting marbles into A1, atleast 5 marbles.

5. On successfully putting 5 marbles in A1, two holes would open; B1 and A2.

6. The same rule of mastering skills at a hole with 5 marbles applies to all holes before they are opened.

7. For holes like B2, they will open only when both the holes below A2 and B1 are mastered by putting 5 marbles in each.

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8. The game gets more complex at higher levels as the required no. of holes to be mastered are more and the risk is also higher. For example to open D3 one has to master all 11 holes below and even after it opens the risk is very high. Missing an attempt of putting a marble in it would cost 60 points, equivalent to 6 successful point gains at A1.

When one tries to gain more and more positive points, it is essential to meticulously balance between risk and skills. The same is the case with Human Decision Making, to carefully balance.

Here each hole refers to Needs, on achieving a Need positive Emotions (positive points) are gained and on not achieving negative Emotions are experienced (losing points in game). The only way to win this game is by using a plan and process that works (realistic Individual theory).

Losing points (experiencing negative Emotions) doesn’t stop the game, one has to accept the loss and give time to understand what would be a more practical approach (managing Emotions) and 37

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Ever growing Needs and role of Emotions – a complex system

use the revised approach to give it another shot and gain more points (improve Know-How and Individual theory making it more practical).

A small note here to identify different levels of same Need. Looking at our experiences and talking about simple Need of hunger, it grows from any food to specific taste to specific ingredients to specific method of growing/raising ingredients and so on and on and on. Below is a small exercise to identify your personal levels of same Need: Need Hunger Security Self-Respect Respect from others

Level 1

Level 2

Level 3

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The classic conflict – Heart or Brain

The classic conflict – Heart or Brain Coming towards end of the text it is essential to answer the classic question, in spite of have such simple and clear rules of Human Decision Making, why do we always feel a stretch between what your Heart and Brain says. Listening to your

Heart means decision making is guided by Emotions (what is the current Need to be satisfied), whereas listening to Brain means decision making is driven by Know-How of how things work, doing what is necessary as per Individual theory to achieve what is Desired. Let us summarise the entire process of Human Decision Making, it has a target and a process to achieve it.

Target is the Hierarchy of Need, however there are two types of hierarchies; one is natural order or the way nature has designed us (we have been discussing that throughout this text) and other is the one implied by learning, traditions, culture of those around us (their understanding of how to be ‘happy’). I will elaborate with an example; see if you can relate to a college boy who was in love with his batch mate, but was asked to focus on studies to make 39

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The classic conflict – Heart or Brain

career and suppress the feelings for that girl.

Natural hierarchy of Needs is not adhered to here. Esteem Need of having Respect from society is given more importance than basic Need (of course there are many more Needs at work in this whole scenario, but the focus Need is highlighted in this example). From another perspective it might even be looked at parents running for their personal Esteem Need.

Estimating accurately what’s at play here would need more details about the situation, however, this perspective can give line of thought to be pragmatic in accepting what is taught and aligning it with natural hierarchy.

Process of achieving the target (Individual theory) has to be with intent to Manage Emotions and not Control them. Ever wondered why few parents teach their kids that boys don’t cry. One should not suppress negative Emotions rather should teach to accept their presence and give them what they need.

Usually the natural tendency insists on what is called as listening to Heart, but often the learning from society around, traditions, etc.

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being Emotionally street-smart

The classic conflict – Heart or Brain

may not be in sync in with what actually & naturally works for Human Beings (Individual theory being inconsistent with reality), often referred to as listening to Brain. Also it may not be practical to always listen to Heart as Esteem Need is strongly associated with getting Respect from people, gaining Credibility to give them what is Desired by them. However, listening to Heart for sure brings peace and joy.

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Notes

References 1. http://www.emotionalcompetency.com/nee d.htm 2. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s _hierarchy_of_needs 3. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/l ove?s=t 4. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s _hierarchy_of_needs 5. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/r espect?s=t 6. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/c ulture?s=t 7. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s _hierarchy_of_needs 8. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s _hierarchy_of_needs 9. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Contrasting _and_categorization_of_emotions

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