THE COST OF WEARING AN EMOTIONAL MASK

By Margy Schaller

We are all made for greatness. I believe that wholeheartedly now, though I haven’t always felt this way. My journey to self-discovery was riddled with fears of rejection, failure, and feelings of unworthiness. The narratives of our lives shape who we are—from our childhood experiences to our present circumstances. These stories influence how we perceive ourselves, how we react to challenges, and the decisions we make.

I want to share three pivotal stories from my life, each imparting a valuable lesson that I believe can benefit anyone.

The Rise And Fall On The Big Stage

In June 2013, I started my company, Laser Pointer Presentations, coaching speakers to develop impactful content and then designing captivating slide decks for them. Although I had been working with speakers in dentistry for close to a decade, it’s a whole different challenge when you start your own company. Two years later, I was given the opportunity to speak at SCN. This was my big shot, and I knew I had to make it count. As a speaker coach, I always stress the importance of sharing your ‘why’ story to connect with a new audience that doesn’t know you, like you, and trust you. After deep introspection, I decided to share my true why, and this was my opening story:

“Has anyone here ever said, ‘I am NEVER going to be like my mother?’ I did. My childhood was tumultuous, raised by an alcoholic single mother. I vowed never to be like her, but I found myself in a disastrous marriage, a painful divorce, and a series of alcohol-induced crises. Then ten years ago, I got sober, and I had amazing mentors show up to help me learn the adulting skills I missed out on. I can never repay them, but the best that I can do it to pay it forward. That’s why I’m here today, helping speakers like you be the best YOU can be.”

The audience was captivated, and the rest of my talk was a success. Many booked me on the spot, and some shared similar childhood stories, thanking me for my transparency. However, two influential members later advised me to avoid discussing my sobriety, saying “people might judge you.” This advice played into my worst fears, leading me to put on an emotional mask and hide my sobriety for the next nine years.

Discovering My True Self

As my business grew over the next few years, I attracted amazing clients who saw potential in me that I didn’t see. They said that my services were so good and so in demand that I should grow my business into an agency. Since I know I always undervalue myself, I decided to take their advice even though inside it felt scary and not quite a good fit. I hired contractors for various roles, but the stress of ensuring everyone was paid led me to sacrifice my own income. And because my name was on the final product, I was redoing much of the work, leading to burnout.

In September 2017, I sought help from a business coach. Within minutes I was in tears describing what was happening, and his advice was… to fire everyone as soon as I hung up the phone. Desperate for relief, I followed his advice and within a few months, my profitability returned. More importantly, my coach wasn’t giving me advice based on what he saw for me, he was giving me advice based on who I really am. Because at my core, I am someone who loves to connect with and overdeliver for my clients. In this case I had been wearing the mask of someone I wasn’t, and it was suffocating me.

The Birth Of Sober Life Rocks

Last October, at the DeW retreat, Laura Nelson shared her sober journey during a panel discussion and asked the room who else didn’t drink. As I slowly started raising my hand, I looked around to see about 15% of the room doing the same thing! Laura, who was one of the few people who knew I was sober, looked over at me with the same stunned expression I had. We knew these women and had NO IDEA about each other! Later that day, we went to lunch, and I said, “This can’t happen anymore. And it starts with me. You’re not putting baby in the corner ever again!” At almost 19 years of sobriety, I was finally able to take off this final mask.

Since embracing my sobriety publicly, I’ve felt a profound alignment within myself. The two lives I was living—one public and one hidden—have merged into a beautifully imperfect person ready to inspire change. My sobriety journey and the support from others have fueled the creation of Sober Life Rocks, aiming to help thousands feel confident in their choices.

Lessons Learned

1 Let your light shine!

One of the greatest joys of starting Sober Life Rocks is hearing how others feel validated and supported when they learn that they are not alone. I don’t want anyone else to have to spend 19 years letting others or their own inner voice hold them back from being their authentic self. YOU are amazing because of your past and your journey!

2 Our greatest strength is the people we surround ourselves with.

For those of us in the DeW community, we know the unique magic of being supported and encouraged by other women. However, you are the only one in your life that really knows who you are and what you want. Today when I am handed a piece of advice, I wait until I am in a quiet place so I can examine how these suggestions align with my core values and my inner knowing.

3 Be careful with giving advice.

My daughter once said that unsolicited advice is essentially well-intentioned criticism. So, give advice only when asked. And if you are asked, give your truest, most helpful advice based on what that person wants to accomplish… not what YOU see for them. And be careful that you are not handing out masks to the person you’re advising.

Today, in all aspects of my life, I am committed to helping others live life without an emotional mask. If you are a speaker or writer or even guesting on a podcast, people want to know you in all your authenticity. They can find content online but can never know the human application without you speaking truth about the journey.

For those of you on a sober journey, you are welcome to join our community of like-minded people who will cheer you on and celebrate your choices.

About the author:

Margy Schaller is the COO and Co-Founder of Sober Life Rocks. Her goal is to build a community where no one feels alone at business events, regardless of what is in their cup. She also runs Laser Pointer Presentations where she coaches business owners and experts who want to knock it out of the ballpark when they get on a stage. Most recently, she has launched Schaller Speaker Academy, a monthly program that teaches practical and highimpact content development and slide design tools. She is the author of two highly acclaimed books, Write A Killer Talk and Formulate A Winning Presentation. On a personal note, she enjoys time with her family, traveling the world, gardening and watercolor painting!