EXPIRATION DATES

In April 2021, I wrote an article titled “broken,” for a DeW blog. 1 It was a raw description of a time in my life, when my dental school classmate and best friend, 6 weeks prior to graduation, walked away from me bearing, what seemed to be, no reason or explanation. She simply said, “I don't want to be your friend anymore.” As ‘Lynn’ ghosted me, so did our entire circle of friends.

Studies show that social exclusion lights up the same part of the brain as does physical pain2. This means that when we feel alone, rejected, or abandoned, though we can’t quite show the physical wounds, our body perceives the notion in an identical way as would flogging marks across our backs. The agony of that encounter was something I carried for almost 2 decades, shying away from relationships that could potentially hurt me.

And I assumed they all could and would hurt me. The beautiful surprise of life had allowed me to partake in the camaraderie of compassionate and loving contemporaries. They opened my heart to what friendship and companionship should feel like. The pain of my dental school encounter faded, and I, once again, felt comfortable sharing my vulnerabilities, not needing to wear the daily mask I put on so often in life. I had found my tribe, my companions, and my best friends.

This allowed me to understand what relationships should be like and to have the courage to let many, many more

By Dr. Maggie W. Augustyn

new and kind people into my world. My soul was open and not just open to receiving but honored to give. In the years following, I began to feel confident in what I was worth, confident that I was deserving of being loved.

Later, with the help of my life coach (Lani Grass3) and my therapist (Jennifer Hassler4), a time came to create and enforce boundaries for not just self-preservation but also for self-respect. And as life would have it, with cycling and growth, with personal growth of different rates, and with varying interests in giving and receiving love, it became clear that friendships and relationships have an expiration rate. It was earlier this year when I came to the conclusion that we aren’t meant to stay in each other’s lives endlessly; a conclusion that nothing in life is meant to last forever, except for diamonds, that is.

From Darkness Comes Light Comes Clarity

I am coming out of a season of darkness. A season of selfinquiry, a season of self-doubt, a season of self-perceived weakness and failure. A natural sort of thing to happen to a human being, a human factor. A valley of sorts in a landscape of life. And even though the season has been terribly difficult and lonesome, it bore a gift of clarity.

Awakening from the gloom, I had made the realization that part of what made the last few months so difficult was surrounding myself with people who were not my tribe. People who loved me less than I was worth loving, people who loved me less than I loved them, people who would never love me as much as I needed them to love me. I had done this in multiple places and on multiple levels …and for far too long.

As Jennifer said, I had been trying to fit a square peg into a round hole; a very large square peg into a very small round hole. I was that square peg that didn’t fit, and as much as I knew it, it didn’t seem to keep me from trying to pound it into place. The pounding and its effort, the never to be realized hope that the peg would fit, was not just exhausting, it was unfair, and it was futile. With the exhaustion came the darkness, and after the darkness, I became conscious of the fact that though we revere lifelong friends and companions, that can’t always be the case.

My life coach Lani5 , whom I can’t give enough credit in these transformations, taught me that there is a reason and a season for certain people in our lives. With that knowledge and with its acceptance can sometimes come grief, one which I am feeling very deeply. Grief for the loss of what the future we had imagined with our perceived life-long relationships; a disappointment of its lack in coming, and a sadness, real sadness. These feelings have to be present and be felt, so that joy and laughter can come again, with another set of companions, or with no companions at all.

This above can apply to friends, family, spouses, business partners, and even team members. Walking away from relationships that hurt rather than heal, repress rather than encourage, or drain rather than invigorate can be the most difficult thing you ever do.

The Exit

One thing that may have made it difficult for me to walk away from the burdensome relationships, the thing that made me rethink the decision too many times to mention, has been its repercussions. Not necessarily the repercussions of feeling the emotional turmoil on my end, but the repercussions of the aftereffect on the one I was walking away from.

The last thing I wanted to do was end a relationship in the way ‘Lynn’ had. Another consideration, which is a strong one, was how the departure from the relationship would affect others who were also connected to that same relationship. For example, if a marriage breaks, its effect land on the kids; in the case of a sibling, or parent - the rest of the family may suffer; if a business partnership is concluded, it might be the rest of the team; and on and on.

I Wondered How I Could Minimize The Fallout?

I happen to be a runner, not the kind who uses the treadmill or exercises vigorously. The kind of runner who wants to leave the situation; I want to go dark, I want to be invisible, and I want to pretend things are otherwise. I want no conversation, no controversy, no clash, and no confrontation. But with my broken heart from the relationship that ended twenty-some years ago, and in honoring the hardship that ‘going dark and running’ that Lynn caused me, leaving without more than a sentence was not an option, at least not for me. I had 3 relationships on the chopping block, and here is what I chose to do in not running.

Relationship #1: After 7+ years in the making, this kinship was not just not serving me, it stood against all the things I deemed important and moral. In my exit, I sent a letter with an explanation; a kind, non-emotionally driven, description of my resignation from the said affiliation. The beauty of that was that the letter was written and rewritten and sent only when finalized. It gave tremendous closure and a powerful form to moving forward. I prepared myself for either a lack of response or an unassuming confirmation of its receipt, which was exactly what happened.

Relationship #2: The exit of this relationship, decadeslong, involved a phone conversation. A phone call, that later became apparent, was recalled and retold differently by me than the other party. This conversation was difficult, my voice shaky with stomach cramping preceding and maybe a glass of wine that should have followed. The only beauty of that encounter, if I could find one, was that it was over; no closure, no thorough explanation, no rehashing, no unnecessary hurting, just a mutually agreed upon end to the relationship.

Relationship #3: This one was easiest to leave in terms of communication. It was easiest because it went unnoticed by the other person. Our bond expired because I had become unnoticeable, invisible, and there for the other person’s taking. I was a platform for their feeling of superiority and of their undeserved and ill-perceived leadership. It ended because of manipulation and bullying. But with a slew of new people for them to exploit and domineer, my departure was inconspicuous. The release from that relationship, however difficult, meant no more fear of the gentle tyranny. No letter and no phone call were needed; a quiet fading into the background. I was as disposed of as I was disposable.

A Day Filled With Doubt

Though the sentences above don’t bear much emotional description, please do not confuse the words for a situation that was sterile, flat, simple, or short. It was anything but. Ending one or three of these relationships in a season is a shock to the system. It’s an unforeseen departure from the happily ever after. Yes, it brings on darkness, guilt, shame, and hurt. It carries the fear of never-ending loneliness.

I have spent countless hours putting this in perspective, examining my own attachments and attitudes. I have spent hours in fear of going back to being alone. I have screamed in my closet cursing, having found camaraderie, because losing it hurt like hell. I have accused myself of being childish, of making decisions solely based on my own wounds and injury. In examining these very same relationships, I wondered if I should have stayed, remembering the past, trying to determine if the relationships really did break me and hurt me. But after all of that examination, in a sort of reliving and selfpunishment, I did make it out to the other side.

Strength In Moving Forward

In sticking with my decision, following the exit, I became aware that putting one foot in front of the other, on some days, was the only strength I had. Amidst rethinking the beginning, its middle, and its end. Amidst the broken hope, the longing for the future that was never going to come - my dear, know this, and hear this: the pain of that damaging relationship is now gone and just putting one foot in front of the other is worth celebrating. You have made it through a brutal day and if I know you, like I know myself, you have also managed to keep your kids out of trouble, keep them clean, safe, sheltered, and fed.

Your patients were taken care of and your team still has a place to earn a paycheck. You succeeded, even if it was in the darkness. I want to empower you to understand that though we tremble for being alone, the presence of people who hurt you, the presence of people who are selfserving and selfish is far worse than being alone.

Being alone, in this, feeling the discomfort in the pit of your belly, in the fire of your heart, is the beginning of being free. Being free to be loved, to be respected, to be celebrated, and to be worthy. There are times when we have to put ourselves ahead. It’s for survival’s sake. Let me empower you to trust and accept yourself in the days that come, to regularly check in with your intuition, and not waiver from the exit.

Let me empower you to choose those who choose you.

1 https://dew.life/2021/04/27/broken/

2 https://www.wisebrain.org/papers/RejectionHurt.pdf

3 https://waveofwomen.com/

4 https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/ jennifer-eileen-hassler-oak-brook-il/369079

5 https://dew.life/2021/09/24/ the-new-wave-claiming-your-throne-in-dentistry-as-women/

About Dr. Maggie Augustyn

Dr. Maggie W. Augustyn is a practicing general dentist, owner of Happy Tooth, author and inspiration speaker. She completed her formal dental education, earning a doctorate of Dental Surgery from the University of Illinois at Chicago (UIC). Prior to that, she was awarded two Bachelor's degrees (UIC and Benedictine University). She is also an alumnus of Dawson Academy. Dr. Augustyn has published over 50 articles in the last 2 years. She is a columnist for Dentistry Today publishing monthly in “Mindful Moments." She has also written in Dental Economics and is a frequent contributor for Dental Entrepreneur Woman. Dr. Augustyn also has a strong social media presence and has been a guest on multiple podcasts. She can be contacted at maggie.augustyn@gmail.com.

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