7 minute read
GRIEF COACHING
By Dr. Parul Dua Makkar
When I lost my younger and only sibling, Dr. Manu Dua, I did not have a village of grief protecting me, acting as a buffer. My parents resided in another country, and they had each other to rely on with the same loss. Losing a sibling is a unique loss, it strips you of your identity and a promised future. It was March 2021, the worst of conditions in the worst of times with no handbook amid COVID. Like most of you, I wear the many hats of life as a mom, dentist, practice owner, wife, daughter, daughter-in-law, and sister. I wanted the world to stop so I could get off and process the reality of what just happened.
Unknowing to me, a day before his death, I remember being told by my parents how Manu was being moved to hospice and they were meeting with the palliative team. I was at work seeing patients. I was not told more and I could not stop mid-day of a full day of patients. I had to switch off my lingering thoughts of my brother’s illness and soon demise, and refocus on patient care.
The next day I had to tell Manu, on a video call, to not wait for me and let go, to stop hurting as I watched him struggling to take his last breaths as he was on a morphine drip. That his fight was over but not his journey. I struggled to get the necessary PCR test to cross the border from the US to Canada with the compassion release documentation from the Government of Canada. I was a day late.
I spent the next two weeks in Canada helping my parents plan the funeral and a week in quarantine as per requirements at the time. Then I had to get back to patients, my young family, my start-up practice, and my dwindling bank balance. I had to relearn to focus without my village acting like a buffer. I had severe anxiety. Sleep became a stranger at times, I learned how to live with grief. It is a burden you carry, some days a bit heavier than others. Grief would hit me like a tsunami at times taking my breath away, at times in gentle tears, and at times as happy memories.
I discovered that grief is a concept to be learned. Be grateful for the people who are there after the tears have stopped, the flowers have withered, and the phone calls have ceased–those who call you and check in on you, on your loved one’s birthdays or special moments, who are there when you feel the loneliness. You see when a loss happens, your body is on autopilot, doing not thinking. When the mind processes what truly transpired, what you just did, grief hits you. There is no time frame for grief, it can happen when you least expect it.
I learned how to cope better and how to live with it. To learn how to say no when I knew I did not have it in me to show up in my best self. To learn how to share my journey with others, to form new bonds, and to build a village to help guide. I lost faith in God but found divinity in the universe. My experience has taught me that there is a certain magic in the universe, energy is neither created nor destroyed but simply transformed/transferred. When a person crosses over, are they really gone just because our 5 senses cannot sense them? If you pay attention, there are signs all around us. I cried into the universe, whispered into it, yelled into it and it answered back. I learned to recognize the signs.
After Manu’s initial surgery, we planned a family trip to Maui for April 2020. Unfortunately, COVID hit and our trip was canceled. Manu’s cancer also returned in April 2020 and he had to have a second surgery followed by chemo/ radiation. After his death in 2021 and COVID restrictions had lifted, my husband and I, along with our kids, took that trip that Manu and I had planned in April 2022, 2 years after our initial plan. We followed the same itinerary that Manu and I had planned.
On the road to Hana through its windy roads, we went past the paved road into it’s namesake town. It wasn’t a planned part, and the four of us decided to explore more of this tiny town in the middle of the Pacific. A town of only a 1000 people. There on a beautiful clear day, we drove past houses and I saw something, telling my husband to back up on this narrow street with no shoulder. I had seen something and I had to make sure I saw what I saw. And there I saw a board in front of the house saying “Hale Manu” (House of Manu in Hawaiian). I then whispered to the universe, that’s where you disappeared Manu, you are okay. It was Manu showing me he was always near me. Since then, I have had several signs, learning to heal with them.
My hope for all of you is that when the life you planned is different from the life that transpires; when you don’t have a say in the cards that life deals you and you have to play your best hand– know that people are in your life for a reason or a season. Know that as long as you keep doing good and your part, you will be guided in mysterious and wonderful ways. That you are not alone and to trust the divinity in the universe. I also hope to share my journey and help the healers. We as healthcare providers give up so much of ourselves and put our patients ahead of us even as we may be grieving and suffering internally. From my journey, I aim to help those of you who are grieving; and know that you are not alone in your grief. As a grief coach, I’m here to travel along with you as I have traveled this path myself, aware of its unique challenges. To help channel my energy into something good. To tell you I see you, and you are not alone, you have a sister in grief.
About the author:
Dr. Parul Dua Makkar completed her Bachelor of Science from University of Central Oklahoma 1999, Magna Cum Laude and then DDS from University of Oklahoma College of Dentistry, in 2003. She practiced in Alberta, CA before moving to NY. Currently she is the owner of PDM Family Dental in Long Island, NY, a place she resides in with her husband and 2 boys. Dr. Makkar’s life took a different trajectory when she lost her only and younger sibling, Dr. Manu Dua, to Oral Cancer last year. He was a Dentist as well. Since his death, she has devoted her time to educating doctors and patients alike about risk factors, prevention, and advocating for early diagnosis of Oral cancer. Today, she serves as a Wellness Ambassador to the American Dental Association and is a Fellow of the American College of Dentists. She is on the board for her local county Syosset Chamber of Commerce and the American Academy of Oral Systemic Health. She can be reached at Parul@ parulduamakkar.com or Instagram @pdmfamilydental or @duagoodjob. www.parulduamakkar.com
