Ask River

Dear River, We were supposed to get married last year but put it off when covid hit. Now we’re moving ahead this year whether we can have our full guest list or not. The trouble is, I don’t know how to un-vite the people who were invited before! Help!

Covid, amiright? Aside from being a worldwide catastrophe, it has also made it super hard to plan a wedding! Sure the Public Health Orders say one thing this week, but who knows what next week will bring. That is mega stressful for basically everyone involved in planning an event. With allowable gathering numbers constantly changing, what to do about the guest list? That’s a hard question and I have no advice. Good luck!

Ok, I jest. Handling the dreaded guest list “cull” requires tact. First you’ll need to figure out who you absolutely must have at your wedding. Start with you and your partner and circle out until you reach the current maximum. Afterwards, create tiers and assign your guests to the A-List, B-List, C-List, etc (but for the love of Pete, don’t TELL them which list they’re on...unless you’re really finished with your relationship). Then it’s time to break the news. My preference is to have something pre-written and mail it out. If you want to leave things open-ended in case gathering numbers increase, have some information or lists on a website that will be updated in the days leading up to the ceremony. Also, consider having a live-stream of your ceremony so they can watch. And maybe drop off a bottle of wine to their door the day before - I know I always feel less hostile when someone gives me wine!

xoxRiver

Dear River, My family is...tricky. Without getting into the details in case someone I know reads this and figures out who they are, I’m seriously worried that there will be some…”drama” between two of my extended family members. I want them both at my wedding but I’ll be really mad if their drama takes centre-stage.

Any number of hiccups may arise on your wedding day, but one of the most ominous is the threat of family drama. No one wants Godzilla and Mothra - I mean Uncle Al and Cousin Tracey - to steal the spotlight on their special day. Let’s face it, every family has one or two (or several) people who just can’t seem to stand each other for a litany of reasons. Maybe someone didn’t invite someone else to their holiday gathering; maybe parents divorced on bad terms; maybe your brother and sister both fell for the same person and now can’t stand the sight of each other. With the bazillion tasks on your plate in planning your big day, is worrying about familial discord really something that needs to take up space in your brain? Well, yes and no. “Yes” because if you have a fear that the parties won’t be civil to each other, it should probably be dealt with ahead of time. And “no” because we’re all grown-ups here and can’t we just put our personal issues aside for the sake of one day?

The best way to handle this is to sit down separately with each party and have a frank discussion. Keep it factual and non-biased; you don’t want either person thinking you’re siding with the other. Simply say “I know that you and soand-so don’t get along well. I don’t want to talk about why - that’s between you two. You are both important to us and we have invited you both to our wedding. I’m telling you now so that you can get used to the idea.” After that, come up with some simple suggestions to make things run smoother and assure them you will do what you can to keep them separated. Planning the seating arrangements ahead of time and discussing any planned photos with your photographer will help keep things calm. I mean, no one wants a keepsake photo of two people who hate each other smiling through gritted teeth. Also, make sure both people know that if they choose to attend your wedding they are solemnly swearing to keep their behaviour in check. If you are very concerned that the guests won’t listen to reason, you are within your rights to tell them that the choice is theirs; behave or don’t come. And hey, if the thought of managing preschool- ahem- relatives, makes your stomach churn, remember, you can absolutely ask your wedding planner to help handle this. If all else fails, call security. Kidding, kidding...kind of. xoxRiver