15 minute read
Sheltering in One Place
ON THE COVER
Multi-generational families move in together Sheltering during the pandemic. SHELLI LIEBMAN DORFMAN CONTRIBUTING WRITERin One Place Twenty years after Frank and Lisa Ellias’ eldest son, Jared, left for the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor and then to California for work, they never, ever imagined he would be living in their home again. But not only did he return for an extended COVID-19 pandemic stay, his parents’ Farmington Hills home became a three-generational full house when Jared, his wife, Valerie, and their infant daughter Ariella moved in this past September. While it often seems unlikely that there could be a silver lining to these devastating times, for some, like the Ellias family, behind that pitchblack cloud was an unexpected unforeseen, joyous perk. In contrast to those who are maintaining a safe distance from one another, they are among those whose circumstances allowed them to create an in-house bubble, with families waiting out the viral storm together in a single place. Until they arrived here, Jared said he was able to spend time with his parents only three or four times a year, and Frank and Lisa had never seen Ariella in person. “We have been very fortunate to have our kids here,” Lisa Ellias said. “Some of our friends and family have not seen their grandchildren in almost a year. When Ariella was born [out of town during the pandemic], we were thrilled and sad at the same time. When her cousins were born [before the pandemic], we got on a plane and were there the next day. This time, we didn’t have any idea when we would see the baby. We were so excited when we found out Jared and his family were coming here.” That arrival was not quick, nor was it simple, but it was a perfect fit for everyone. “We had a brand-new baby, and there was a pandemic — and we are both people who can easily work from home,” Jared said. “It made more sense to move here, get the extra help and support of living with family and introduce Ariella to her grandparents. Based on how Frank, Lisa, Jared, Valerie and Ariella Ellias celebrate Frank and Lisa’s 44th anniversary together. things are going, she might not have met them continued on page 12
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ON THE COVER
continued from page 11
Ariella Ellias intently watches her grandpa, Frank Ellias, as he participates in the B’nai Israel Synagogue Zoom Havdalah service.
— JARED ELLIAS
HOME-WORK
Both Jared, who is 37, and Valerie, 32, have been able to continue their work from Frank and Lisa’s home. “I taught two law school classes from my parents’ basement,” said Jared, a professor at the University of California Hastings College of the Law in San Francisco. When they arrived here, Valerie, a sociologist who manages a research team for Google, was on maternity leave. “She is now back at work running research projects, and I am taking the baby during Valerie’s workday,” Jared said.
The only company the COVID-cautious family had was for several weeks when Jared’s brother Matthew quarantined for 14 days in Miami and drove to his parents’ home. Before Jared’s family arrived, Frank and Lisa were also able to spend time with their son Aaron, his wife, Meira, and their kids, Benji, 5, and Eliana, 2, who quarantined and drove through the night from Washington, D.C., for a six-week stay.
Jared described the current living arrangement honestly. “At times, it’s hard,” he said. “My parents’ house is incredibly spacious, and Valerie, my Dad and I each have separate workstations in different rooms. Ariella has her own bedroom, and we have our own bedroom and bathroom.”
until she was 2 or 3 otherwise.”
In addition, Jared said their home in Berkeley, Calif., where they plan to return in April, was under renovation and they needed to live somewhere else anyway. So, with a work-from-home requirement from both of their employers, instead of staying in the area, they packed up their car and set out for Michigan. “We drove here, quarantined in a rental in Oak Park for 14 days, got COVID tested and moved in just before Rosh Hashanah,” Jared said. “Ariella was only 8 weeks old at the time, so it was a big adventure for a tiny baby.”
Now that they are here, she is the center of attention. “It’s really fascinating watching my parents interact with Ariella and build a relationship with her,” Jared said. “She really loves them, which is good because she’s only ever met four people that aren’t doctors.”
Lisa said, “It is thrilling to watch Ariella grow. She has been here for four months and has gone from a 2-monthold who didn’t do much to a 6-month-old who rolls over, babbles, responds to us and is getting ready to crawl.
“It has been wonderful watching Valerie and Jared turn into Mommy and Daddy. We are so proud of the way they take care of their child and each other,” she said. “This has also given us time to really get to know and love Valerie and strengthened our relationship with our son as an adult, not a child.”
Jared also was able to see how Frank and Lisa interact with one another. “It’s interesting seeing how my parents live after not sharing a roof with them for 20 years.”
Melissa Hall spends one-on-one time relaxing with her mom, Janet Reinhart Hall.
But he added, “It’s also great to have other people around, and my parents are endlessly generous. We take turns cooking, which is also interesting because we all eat different things. Valerie and I both work California hours, so we are often still working when my parents have already eaten dinner, but we are all together on weekends, especially for Shabbat meals. And Ariella loves going to Zoom shul with Grandpa, especially Havdalah.”
As the time for Lisa Ellias’ children and granddaughter to go back to California nears, she is sad to see them go but is filled with happiness that they could be here.
“We are going to miss them so much when they leave,” she said. “In the midst of so much tragedy and disruption, we have been given a real gift.”
— MELISSA HALL
FAMILY DYNAMICS
At 23, Melissa Hall is among those in the largest age-category of young adults living with their parents because of the pandemic. That group includes more than 26.6 million individuals, or 52% of Americans aged 18-29, the most ever, even higher than at the end of the Great Depression, according to a September 2020 Pew Research Center report.
The report showed 23% of them said the most important reason was because their college campus had closed and 18% said it was due to job loss or other financial reasons.
After living in Ann Arbor for four years while she was an undergraduate student at the University of Michigan, Hall stayed there and has worked as a research coordinator in Michigan Medicine’s psychiatry department since May 2019.
Her decision to move back to her mom, Janet Reinhart Hall’s West Bloomfield home, and her dad, Jeffrey Hall’s Bloomfield Hills home, came after realizing the difficulties of working virtually from her small apartment. “I felt that through such an isolating time, it would be nice to at least have my family to lean on,” she said.
“I luckily have been able to keep my current job. Although some of my job tasks have changed, I am thankful to still be gaining great experience and have the opportunity to do new things there. And I recently had someone take over the lease on my apartment, so that is definitely a perk, to not have to pay rent anymore in Ann Arbor.”
Another bonus was getting to see her older brother who came from out of state to visit. “He was able to return a few times — safely — over the past couple of months,” she said.
Hall said she and her parents have created their own system for being in shared space. “There are definitely more distractions being at home, but overall, I think the logistics have been working out well,” she said. “When I came back home in March, I just became comfortable and got into a routine.
“Also, I realized that many of my friends were doing the same. Although we couldn’t hang out in the same capacity, as summer rolled around, I felt thankful to be able to see them more often than if I were in Ann Arbor. I plan on staying here through the summer and then hopefully go to graduate school.
“I think I have grown closer with my parents and our relationship definitely feels more mature,” she said.
Her mom agrees. “It’s been fantastic having Melissa home,” she said. “The one positive of COVID is that I’ve been able to see my children more often. It’s been an especially unique and fun time working together from home.”
Being in the Detroit area community again has had a positive impact on Melissa. “It feels nice to be able to appreciate the places where I grew up,” she said. “It also feels like I’m a child again, living with my parents, and with all of my childhood friends back at home.”
— PSYCHOTHERAPIST RONALD E. HORMEL
Ronald E. Hormel
BETTER OFF NOT ALONE
Living in a group may have its obstacles, with each individual, couple or family used to their own schedule, privacy
ON THE COVER
continued from page 13
— GRANDMOTHER LEAH FOX
RIGHT: Jodi Fox McDonald and
Kemper McDonald with Paul and Talia McDonald staying safely distanced from Jodi’s sisters and their families. In the yard are Lindsey Fox and her children Nathan, 6, and Caleb, 1; and Hallie and Ryan Jaffe with Sloane, 13, and Brooke, 10, all of West Bloomfield.
FACING PAGE: Jeff and Leah Fox
with granddaughters Talia and Kemper McDonald.
and rules of the house but, overall, there is a meaningful upside to not being alone, said Ronald E. Hormel, a psychotherapist at Birmingham Maple Clinic in Troy.
“We’re seeing now that a social connection to family and/or friends can be as important to overall health as a healthy diet and exercise,” he said. “The mental and physical results of loneliness play out in real time. This can begin with symptoms of anxiety and depression, which can result in a lowered immune system and lead to a myriad of additional, physical health concerns such as hypertension and autoimmune flare-ups.”
Hormel said when planning to live with a family member, pre-move guidelines are in order. “Address basic responsibilities such as household chores and bills,” he suggests. “Will they be shared? Also address the health concerns such as who, if anyone, is allowed to visit? Is a specific person leaving the home for essentials? Will regular COVID testing be a good idea? It’s vital to discuss what the boundaries would look like,” Hormel said.
Young adults and singles may be the largest group to move in with family but individuals of all ages, including seniors, are also part of this new demographic.
In a reversal of many family’s pandemic living arrangements, this past March, Helen Garden’s mom, Rena Berman, moved in with Helen and her husband, Jeff, when COVID regulations at her Jewish Senior Life apartment in West Bloomfield barred visitors and eliminated group meals and activities.
“My mom lives at Meer Apartments where they follow CDC guidelines to keep residents safe,” Garden said. “When COVID numbers started to go up [in Michigan], we knew we wouldn’t be able to see her, and she would be isolated in her apartment.” So, in late March, Berman moved in with the Gardens and shortly afterward was able to share the Passover holiday with them, along with their son, Jason, who tested negative for COVID and then drove from Chicago to their West Bloomfield home.
“While my mom was here, I wanted to do things that would keep her active and as busy as possible, but away from other people,” Garden said.
“We exercised together in the house, and we walked a lot, and we drove a lot. We walked at Kensington Metropark. And we drove to the old neighborhoods where we once lived in Southfield and Oak Park.”
And the two were able to spend time just talking. “We reminisced, talked about relatives and told stories from the past,” she said. “Jeff was working from home every day, but we all spent time together in the evening, had dinner together and then watched movies.”
Berman moved back into her apartment in July. Facemasked visitors were eventually permitted but only in residents’ units after completing COVID questionnaires and temperature checks.
Garden said she’s glad for the time her mom spent in her home. “I got to see her — and she wasn’t alone.
“I was looking to entertain her, but I was entertaining myself too; being with her kept me busy also.”
CREATING MEMORIES
Jodi Fox McDonald’s family did not have to move in with her parents, Leah and Jeff Fox, when the pandemic hit. They were already there. They came for a planned, short stay after their home sold quickly and they were searching for a new one.
“We moved in with them in December 2019 — with our daughters, Kemper, who was not quite 2, and 3-month-old Talia; and a very large German Shepherd, all 130 lbs. of him — in hopes that things would go up in February or March,” Jodi said. “We thought we would be there three-to-four months tops.”
So sure they would move by springtime, she said, “All the kids’ summer clothes went with the furniture into storage. We looked, but there was nothing. We even put flyers in mailboxes in our parents’ sub to see if we could get a house before it went up because they were few and far between. Then, slowly, houses started to trickle in during the late summer.”
Nine months later, Jodi, 36, and Paul, 41, and their children finally moved into their new house, a mile from her parents’ West Bloomfield home, taking with them memories they never could have imagined making.
“Looking back, that crazy decision was the best decision we ever made,” Jodi said. “We were able to be with my parents through this scary time with so many unknowns. It also gave Paul and me some adults to be around and socialize with without a 6-foot distance and masks. And my parents could embrace our kids the way they could not with the other grandchildren, which I know was and is so hard for them.”
She said her sisters often stopped by with their families, but stayed outside, coming “for socially distanced visits, meals and even water balloon fights.”
Paul referred to the time with his in-laws as, “a great experience.”
“As attorneys with busy schedules, we got to spend more time with our kids than we ever would have but for the shelter-in-place, and we were glad to have the support and help from Leah and Jeff,” he said. “Our kids got to spend so much more time with Grandma and Papa than they ever would have. We had dinner together as a family, with a couple of exceptions, every single night. While we could not be happier to be in our new home, we will never forget the time we spent with Jodi’s parents during what will surely be one of the craziest years of our lives.”
Not only did the McDonalds move into the house where Jodi grew up, she said, “Paul and I were in my old bedroom.” She added, “But, we actually took over every room in the house.” Both also used space to work remotely. “Paul and I would rotate shifts with the kids and work, and then both work when the kids went to bed,” Jodi said. “It was not always easy making sure Balto, the dog, was not barking or a kid wasn’t running into our office or bedroom when we were taking a deposition or in a court hearing on Zoom,” Jodi said.
Now that they have moved into their new home, the McDonalds are back to the life experienced by many whose family members live in separate homes. “We only see my parents with masks when we are socially distanced, outside. We have celebrated holidays, birthdays, bat mitzvahs on the driveway or in a garage to make sure we could all be together. We have, what we call ‘the quarantine window,’ in our house, because everyone can come up and talk through the glass.”
Jodi said because of the opportunity to be with her parents and not settle for a home that wasn’t their first choice, they were able to buy their dream house.
“We do miss my parents, and Kemper still asks sometimes to go to her ‘home’ at Grandpa and Papa’s, but we love our new house and cannot wait to create new memories here,” she said.
Jodi’s mom refers to the time the families lived together as “nine months of chaos and love.”
“In one of the scariest times in all of our lives, we were lucky enough to be distracted by having our granddaughters running into our room in the morning to snuggle in bed, giving us hugs and kisses, when we sadly couldn’t embrace the other grandchildren, which was devastating,” Leah Fox said. “We got to watch milestones like first words, crawling, first steps and potty training. We looked forward to our daily dinners. I would dance with the girls around the house, and Jeff finally had someone in the house to watch sports with.
“Our friends thought we were crazy at first, but after COVID struck, those thoughts turned into thinking how lucky we were to be with at least part of the family without masks and social distancing.
“It was nine months at the perfect time.”
