the script
News
Twitter Slowly Killing Off Students By CHARLIE VANCINI, Resident Expert This week three more Stanton College Preparatory School students were pronounced dead by JSO officials after reading funny tweets on Twitter, the online social media site. While Twitter has been popular with students for nearly two years now nobody is sure why it is suddenly causing deaths among the student body. The first documented case occurred last week when Stanton senior Antonietta Walker tweeted an awkward middle school “throwback Thursday” photograph to which Stanton senior Jacy Reed replied “dead.” Reed was pronounced dead shortly afterward but the cause of the death is yet to be determined. Mayo Clinic expert Dr. Philip Johnson performed the official biopsy but had could offer little insight as to why Reed died. “She seemed to be in perfect health,” said Johnson. “It’s like she was perfectly fine, saw the tweet, replied dead, and then died.” Reed was not alone in this recent outbreak, more than eight students have self-reported their own deaths over Twitter imme-
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diately before dying in the past week alone. The only link in each of the cases is that shortly before their deaths the victims were heard saying, “I can’t even right now!” Of these eight cases, two of the deathbed tweets were sent responding to the tweets of Stanton senior Angela Udongwo. Udongwo’s tweets are considered to be “quite funny” and “moderately enjoyable” according to several seniors who wished to remain anonymous. Udongwo was taken in for questioning yesterday about possible foul play in the deaths. When asked if she had any hand in her peers’ untimely ends Udongwo said
“no, they’re not literally dead you idiots I was never arrested.” Both scientists and Twitter experts alike are stunned and have yet to produce an explanation for this phenomenon. Dr. Johnson and his team are yet to have any luck with producing any answers; however, several Twitter stars have offered their professional opinions. Dory, the Common White Girl, and Ya Boy Bill Nye all believe the victims quote, “died of laughter” and then further elaborated, “these things happen when you’re freakin hilarious, and we offer the Stanton community our deepest condolences.” All three are currently being investigated for the deaths of thousands. They each receive hundreds of “dead” tweets every day. While there are still many questions surrounding these cases, President Obama has assured us in a written statement that this is not a matter of national security and then left the winky face emoji which certainly leaves many citizens with at least a shred of doubt going forward.
B a c k p a c k P e r s o n a l i t i e s
By STEWART GIDEON, Backpack Stalker BLACK JANSPORT I don’t need a séance to know your personality. You shave with a cut-throat razor, you only wear black suits and you drink your non-alcoholic martinis shaken, not stirred. Some have a green thumb, but you have a golden finger. You don’t YOLO you only live twice. Finally your no little chicken, and are not afraid of a little sky fall. HIPSTER HIKER My runes are giving me a clear signal you aren’t from this century. How was your hike to the 50s? Do you like Ike? For Christmas this year I sense that you will write Santa asking for a red Ryder bb gun and a pack of candy cigarettes. I don’t want to spoil it for you, but we reach the moon. NINJA TURTLE
SPONGEBOB
After reviewing my lucky eight ball I have premonition about your personality. You enjoy classical art, predominantly the works of Leonardo, Donatello, and other renaissance masters. However this appreciation for the arts doesn’t make you weak, in fact you have a black belt in karate. After all, this splintered personality is made whole through a love for pizza and sewers.
I have observed the celestial patterns and they have revealed your personality. You don’t like thinking outside the square, but your ability to absorb information like a sponge makes you fit in at Stanton. But being the typical Stanton student you can’t dance and embarrassed yourself at homecoming every year by flopping like a fish.
My King By DESIRAE LEE, Hopeless Fast Food Dreamer
And there he was, standing so close yet so far away. A boundary between us made him feel worlds apart. I was hovering next to what my soul desired. A mouth-watering hunger plagued my mind, the smell of guilt wafted into my heart— I could not resist. I thirsted with impatience. One step more, and I would reach my goal. One step more, and the wait would finally be over. Greed played an unfortunate factor. I wanted it my way, with complete cooperation. He obliged with listening eyes. My satisfaction was his priority. Was his kindness real, was it an illusion? The deciding choice was mine, and he obeyed my orders. He awaited my reply to his most sacred question.... “Welcome to Burger King, can I take your order?”
BREAKING NEWS:
Outbreak of “Nocommonsense” Among Stanton Students DEVIL’S ADVOCATE: How do you feel about the Red Cross’ attempt to aid the victims of the tragic Hurricane in Colorado?
STANTON STUDENTS: “It’s really good, wait let me Google this real fast.”
“I think it’s good that they’re trying to help people that are victims... right?”
“I feel like it’s a good thing to help people in need because that’s our duty as Americans.”
“The Red Cross is taking a long time to get there.”
FUN FACT: Hurricanes DO NOT occur in Colorado
YOU: The girl in my English class who checks her phone constantly. Can I put my number in your contact list? ME: The boy who whiles away the hours reading the dictionary. How come when you talk to me, I have no words?
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YOU: The master stepper performing to full bleachers. I wish you would notice me. ME: The one cheering the loudest of all, each step you take timed perfectly to the pounding of my heart.
By SPENCER NACHMAN, Romance Investigator
YOU: The soccer star, leading the pack as you mercy rule team by team. Have some mercy on my heart! ME: The fan, cheering in the stands. How come the ref has an easier time giving you cards than I do?
YOU: The boy eating Doritos in the hallway, being careful not to get a spot of orange on your homework. If only I can be as close to your heart. ME: The girl who wishes you could remove your nacho-tinted lenses and see how much I adore you.
STANTON’S COURSE CATALOG ENGLISH ELECTIVES
By JENNA LEVINE, POP CULTURE LIFE COACH
AP Contemporary Poetry
This course explores the wonderful world of “gangsta rap,” the most contemporary poetry in the world today. Each class begins with a shout out to a modern rap god, Kanye West. But that’s not all---in APCP Kendrick Lamar will show you how to turn it up a notch, Sage the Gemini instructs how to “shake it like a red nose” and discusses this month’s horoscopes! You’ll even become in touch with your sensitive side with the help of Canadian actor turned rapper, Drake! So won’t you (much like the real Slim Shady) please sign up, please sign up, please sign up.
AP Fox
This course answers the question on everyone’s mind “What Does the Fox Say?” Taught by none other than the fantastic, Mr. Fox, Advanced Placement Fox includes lectures by guest speakers such as Robin Hood, Swiper, and Br’er Fox (featured on Splash Mountain.) You’ll even learn some popular fox phrases such as “wa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pow” and “hatee-hatee-hatee-ho.” Sign up for AP Fox and learn the one sound that no one knows.
FASHION ELECTIVES
By JENNA LEVINE, POP CULTURE LIFE COACH
How to Rock Crocs 101
Hahahahaha I’m totally kidding, that’s impossible. Learn how to be everything “before it becomes cool and recognize most things as “ironic.” Necessary Course Materials:
Honors Hipster
-flannels on flannels on flannels -a beanie -Toms -capri pants and a scarf -a Blackberry -a Tumblr account -thick rimmed glasses -a collection of records on vinyl with corresponding graphic tees *facial hair is not required, but it is recommended
SOCIAL SKILLS ELECTIVES By AMBER WEITZEL, SWAG INSTRUCTOR
AP Etiquette
This course encourages students to hold their pinkies high when drinking tea, gracefully walk with their shoulders back, chew with their mouth closed, and save any sort of odorous bodily gases for the restroom.
THE
CHRISTMAS PLAYLIST
Teacher List
OUR FAVORITE SONGS TO GET YOU IN THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT
Mr. Yadon Stanton’s most popular hipster gives his personal Christmas playlist recommendations.
The Waitresses “Christmas Wrapping”
1. House of Heroes “All I Want For Christmas is You” This alternative rock take on Mariah Carey’s classic tune, “All I Want For Christmas is You,” is perfection. Featuring the melodic vocals of Tim Skipper, the band’s rendition of the song will be the perfect addition to your Christmas playlist if you’re looking to rock out this season.
2. Corey Kilgannon
3. Sent By Ravens
“When Christmas Comes”
“Happy Christmas (War is Over)”
Douglas Anderson graduate, Corey Kilgannon released his own Christmas single, “When Christmas Comes,” a few years ago. The deeply personal track about wanting to be with his love every Christmas is heartwarming and a great showcase of Kilgannon’s melodious vocals.
Now defunct rock band, Sent By Ravens, took John Lennon’s famous Christmas tune, “Happy Christmas (War is Over)” and added modernity vocals of lead singer, Zach Riner, while
This 1981 single by the post-punk/ new wave group responsible for “I Know What Boys Like” is quite possibly my single favorite Christmas song. This is also one of the best
Paul McCartney “Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime” This song, recorded during the sessions for McCartney II and released in 1972, makes my list just for the weird bouncy synth lines. This song also provides the sample for De La Soul’s “Simply Havin” off their criminally overlooked 2001 LP, AOI: Bionix.
John Zorn “Santa’s Workshop”
does the song justice making it a song worthy of anyone’s Christmas playlist.
4. She & Him
5. August Burns Red
“Baby It’s Cold Outside”
“Jingle Bells”
You may remember the “She” of She & Him, Zooey Deschanel, from the movie Elf. And you may also remember her duet with Buddy the Elf of “Baby It’s Cold Outside” at the department store. Now you can hear the song recorded, minus Buddy of course, and it is a doozy.
This all-instrumental, heavy metal version of “Jingle Bells” is perfect for those of unacceptable to play your favorite genre at Christmas parties. It’s the best of both worlds.
6. Poema “Santa Will Find You (Feat. Aaron Marsh)” Poema is Taylor Swift minus the twang (and the multitude of boyfriends). Their original Christmas tune, “Santa Will Find You,” will warm your heart and properly get you in the Christmas spirit. The smooth voices of sister duo Elle and Shealeen Puckett mixed with the polished voice of former Copeland vocalist, Aaron Marsh, makes for the most heartwarming track on our playlist.
MacArthur Genius grant award composer of our times, surprised even listeners accustomed to the breadth and frequency of his output when he released an instrumental (mostly) jazz Christmas record on his Tzadik label in 2011. The Dreamers ensemble is comprised of some of Zorn’s most frequent collaborators: Cyro Baptista, Joey Baron, Trevor Dunn, Marc Ribot, Jamie Saft, Kenny Wollesen, and Zorn himself on Alto Sax. This is the Christmas album I return to every year.
Vince Guaraldi Trio “Player’s Ball” This is my favorite of Guaraldi’s compositions from A Charlie Brown Christmas. Like most of Guaraldi’s tunes, “Skating” is deceptively straightforward and hauntingly beautiful.