5 minute read
The Ways to Praise
noted.
the ways to praise
goodbye, “Good job”— here are better ways to compliment your kids
GOOD JOB!” That’s a phrase you’ve probably squealed to your children a thousand times. You want them to feel good about what they did—sorting blocks correctly, acing a test or scoring a goal. You praise them and move on. But did your words actually mean what you hoped they would? Even if you have the best intentions, there really is a right way to praise your child—and a wrong way.
DON’T: PRAISE ONLY YOUR CHILD’S SUCCESSES.
Grapevine mom Colleen Patton has a lot of experience praising kids. There’s her two at home—an 8-year-old son and 3-year-old daughter—plus hundreds she’s taught in Grapevine-Colleyville ISD.
“I’ve seen parents who praise their children only for a job well done,” reflects
• Preschool through high school • Small class sizes • Rolling admissions throughout year • Social learning curriculum at all grade levels • On-site therapy (speech, OT, and
DIR Floortime) • Preschool and kindergarten classes taught by licensed speech therapists • Executive functioning curriculum, transition and life skills classes • Counselor and behavior specialist on staff
Oak Hill Academy is dedicated to providing individualized academic and social-emotional learning programs not found in traditional learning environments. Through a multi-sensory instructional model, we take a whole-child approach, preparing our students for life after graduation.
9407 MIDWAY ROAD, DALLAS 75220 | 214-353-8804 oakhillacademy.org
VOTED BEST DANCE STUDIO 2018-2022!
HOME OF BALLET CONCERTO
FALL CLASSES BEGIN AUGUST 29
Offering ballet for all ages and levels, age 3 to professional Flamenco dance | Adult ballet Jazz for ballet dancers GYROTONIC® method of physical conditioning margodeanballet.com / 817-738-7915 3803 Camp Bowie Blvd. / Fort Worth Patton, who teaches gifted second graders. “These parents aren’t trying to be mean and believe they’re doing the right thing by praising their children when they meet their high expectations.” But what often happens, says Patton, is that the kids are always afraid of disappointing Mom and Dad.
DO: PRAISE HOW YOUR KIDS OVERCOME CHALLENGES.
With both her children and her students, Patton focuses on praising growth and effort, not just the end result.
She relates how she praises her 8-yearold son. He’s a sensitive kid who doesn’t like to fail, and for that reason, he is hesitant to take on challenges. “I try to praise him more often and specifically about the process. And I praise him when I see him fail. I praise that effort, his ability to make a new plan and how he pushes through.”
DON’T: PRAISE A TRAIT.
“You’re so smart!” or “You’re so beautiful!” sounds nice, but it may backfire. “If a child is inherently good at something, they may think they do not need to try,” shares Karen Furman, Ed.D., who is on staff at the Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development at Texas Christian University, “or they may begin to relate their self-worth to that fixed characteristic.” If they’re “so smart” when they get a good grade on a test, will they think they’re dumb if they don’t do as well next time?
DO: FOCUS ON THEIR EFFORTS AND CHOICES.
Connect compliments to your child’s hard work or interests. Instead of telling a child how smart they are when they get a good grade, Furman advises, “You are learning so much and seem to remember it too. Wow!” Instead of telling your child how nice they look, Furman suggests something like, “I like the dress you chose. Tell me about those characters on the front. Which one is your favorite? What do you like about that character?”
DON’T: USE GENERIC COMPLIMENTS.
It’s easy to fire off a generic compliment (“Good job,” “Awesome,” “Way to go” and so on)—it communicates our approval and lets us continue to juggle the zillion other things in our adult brains. But that type of praise falls short of what we’re trying to accomplish.
“We’ve all been at the receiving end of lukewarm, generic praise and know how it feels compared to getting meaningful and specific positive feedback,” notes Stevie Puckett-Perez, Ph.D., pediatric psychologist with Children’s Health in Dallas and faculty member at University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center. She calls positive attention “the most powerful tool” in the parenting arsenal, but only when we are mindful in our approach.
DO: BE SPECIFIC.
Adopt what Furman calls mindful praise. “This can be accomplished by slowing down, observing the child and sharing with him or her the details of what has impressed you,” she says. It sounds easy enough, but that does require parents to put down their phones, set aside work for a bit, and focus on their child. (Crazy, right?) Puckett-Perez offers this example: “I really like how you took turns with your brother so nicely when playing that game and how you were so patient with him. That was a great way to be kind.” When you’re specific in what you applaud, your child is more likely to repeat that behavior. As Patton points out, “A general ‘good job’ may feel good, but it leaves children to decide what they did that was so good.”
DO: GIVE CHILD-FOCUSED PRAISE.
“While it’s not bad to say, ‘I’m proud of you,’ it’s better to say, ‘I bet you’re so proud of yourself!’” says Puckett-Perez. The latter statement helps kids make a connection between their efforts and feelings while also encouraging them to be their own source of validation.
DO: USE SIMILAR STRATEGIES TO CORRECT BEHAVIOR.
Praise is also useful when you need to correct a child’s behavior, whether that’s picking up after themselves or engaging more on the soccer field. “Sometimes we have to look really hard to ‘catch them’ doing a bit of the thing we want,” says Puckett-Perez, “but praise it when you see it.”
If you do need to give direct correction, Puckett-Perez adds, “it will be much better received if a child feels their parent notices all the things they’re doing well also.”
