Kyle’s Rant

HUMANS, en masse, are filthy creatures. By and large their time is taken up by the need to constantly tend to their orifices.

The aliens looking down at us or rubbing shoulders with us (depending on your level of heightened conspiracy and paranoia) must shake their multiple green heads in disbelief, at the time we humans waste tending to our apertures, cracks, holes and vents.

They must be weighing up the necessity to enslave us to gorge on, or just move to another planet. Call it what it is - a mistake to invade after decades of observation as they watch us coughing into the crooks of our arms, expelling wind from down below or stuffing our heads with food. And when we give the food a rest, being on high alert to rehydrate, carrying with us our bottles of water and coffee cups as if we are residents of the Sahara.

I am curious as to what the correct audible level is to blow your nose? It seems the elders amongst us have given up trying to be discreet. I sat at a club the other day in Queensland during our winter break as an elder from the table next door let rip a giant blow into a handkerchief, but the sound wasn’t the worst of it. After the rattling acoustic wave passed, it was time to look at the contents of the handkerchief and give their rubbery old nose a couple of extra swipes before gently folding up the tattered piece of material with a sort of sense of pride.

Speaking of noses, since forever I have felt a wave of sickness just before a sneeze especially in the morning and I have never been able to get to the bottom of the nausea. As soon as I sneeze the feeling stops, but I have never worked out where you are meant to sneeze. Obviously not over the people you love, but I simply can’t control it. I have tried to sneeze into the crook of my arm, but the muscle spasm flings my arm open, clouting anyone in the vicinity.

And it is even worse when I am on the freeway heading to Melbourne. My eyes start to squint and eventually shut for a second while the shockwave jolts the wheel. The lane departure signals cut in as I give the wheel a discreet wipe over and look at the worried faces of the drivers in the lanes either side.

Another worrying orifice I have is my right ear. I can’t seem to fit and keep an earbud in there. I see people on bikes, walking, jogging or simply sitting and talking on their phones with apparently no problems. But the moment I move, swallow, or try to talk the thing shoots out of my ear at a rate of knots.

And it’s not just the earbud. On a flight last Christmas I had to ask for a set of headphones as the earpiece that was provided kept flinging itself out my ear. Eventually a set of headphones materialised from what I imagine was the business class section of the plane. But it was the tiresome explanation I had to trot out to the air hostess - “it’s not you, it’s me” - referring to the earbuds and my lack of an ear canal.

Speaking of hearing, I heard recently from a good source that The Local team has moved from the Central Highlands of Victoria to warmer climes and I guess being a fairly integral part of the TL team that would include me. However, I am here to tell you, apart from a couple of short flits during the rattiest part of the year like most of the members of our shivering community to try to thaw out, for better or for worse, we haven’t relocated.

Orifice rant over…