AURORA - May 2021 by Catholic Diocese of Maitland-Newcastle

Diocese of Maitland-Newcastle May 2021 | No.212

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On the cover On the cover: Gemma and Elliot Wisman Santamaria, with their mother Helen Santamaria Popescu, pictured at Murray’s Beach. Photo: Peter Stoop.

Diocese of Maitland-Newcastle May 2021 | No.212

Family Links

Featured f Challenges to overcome

f Unconditional foster love has its benefits

f Beach and barbies replace conflict

f We are all made in God’s image

f Consenting to change

f Marriage and its blessings

f Tips to manage family finances

f Families are back in the news

f Resource upholds dignity

f Moving forward

f Keeping it in the family

f Connecting the rituals

f Peaceful solutions after relationship

FIRST WORD

Cheer the clan No matter where you are in the world or what era in history to which you refer, the significance of families in underpinning communities is constant. This is reflected in the apostolic exhortation Amoris Laetitia, in which Pope Francis also describes the beauty and joy of love in family life.

understanding of gender dysphoria, which is an issue facing many individuals and their families. His journey of self-discovery and acceptance is a powerful one.

The tapestry of family life in Australia is evolving. Amoris Laetitia and National Families Week (15-21 May) inspires this edition of Aurora and includes commentary on same-sex marriage, separation, adoption, refugee migration, death, gender dysphoria and kinship care.

In May, we also celebrate Mother’s Day, on which we thank the woman who gave us life and reflect on the special role that all mothers are called to play. In this edition, we feature two interviews with extraordinary mothers, Helen and Lauren. Their stories are vastly different but are both beautiful examples of a mother’s unwavering love. It is a love that is as old as time itself, and as Christians, we have the perfect example of a mother in Mary. Mary understood Jesus and what he was called to do. From the crib to the cross, from Pentecost to her Assumption, Mary loved her son and faithfully served him as her saviour and lord.

One of the articles results from my conversation with a transmale, Chayse. While chatting with Chayse, I was struck by his emotional intelligence and generous spirit. He may only be 19 years of age, but he has profoundly impacted my

Over the years, I’ve marked Mother’s Day as a stepmother, yearning to be a mother, an expectant mother, a mother grieving the loss of an unborn child, a “mother” in the traditional sense, and for the past five as a “single mum”. It is not

It has been five years since Amoris Laetitia was published and to mark the anniversary our pope recently announced Amoris Laetitia Family – a year-long celebration of the joy of family love.

the motherhood I had envisioned. Oddly enough, though, I’ve never really felt the “single mum” term has genuinely applied to me … that is, I have never felt like I’m raising my son alone. We are incredibly blessed to be surrounded by amazing people who show us unconditional love and support. My friends nearby and far away, colleagues past and present, and family – including his dad’s family, whom I love dearly – are a constant light source in our life. This Mother’s Day, Families Week and Amoris Laetitia Family year, I also encourage you to look beyond the traditional bounds of family life and motherhood and celebrate the people in your life who love and support you, irrespective of bloodlines.

Lizzie Snedden is Editor for Aurora

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Aurora appears in The Newcastle Herald on the first Saturday of the month, in the Maitland Mercury, The Singleton Argus and in the Manning River Times the following week. Aurora can also be picked up at IGA’s in Taree, Bulahdelah, New Lambton, Paterson, Karuah, Cameron Park, Wangi, Gloucester, Dungog, Shoal Bay, Boolaroo, Blackalls Park, Woodrising, Stockton, Caves Beach, Rathmines, West Wallsend and Windale. The magazine can also be read at www.mnnews.today

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A U R O R A C AT H O L I C D I O C E S E O F M A I T L A N D - N E W C A S T L E

A winter’s tale We have recently lived through a run of cold, grey windy days. It was perhaps not “bitterly cold” by world standards, but still a bit of a shock after a period of fine autumn weather. You felt your spirits lower, not least at the sudden reminder that many such winter days are not that far off. It also put me in mind of the late Dr Harry Davis, the priest who was rector during my first year at the seminary in Manly. Fr Harry Davis was a most loveable man, kind and always warmly appreciative of the good in people and life. He was also famous for getting things wrong, for saying things that were not quite what he intended to say, to the amusement of audiences eagerly listening for just such a slip. “I have new glasses. I hope you can see me better” – that sort of innocent thing. But there was more to Harry. As a student priest he had been stuck in Rome by Italy’s entry into the Second World War. He had been a little involved in the work of guiding Jews to hiding places in the convents of Rome and, as a young priest, had attended the scene of a notorious Gestapo massacre of young Italian men, a 10-for-one reprisal for the killing of some German soldiers by resistance fighters. He never spoke of these things publicly, but I gleaned a little bit of the story when I worked in his parish later. I speculate that his great gentleness and humanity were somehow formed by his experiences of violence and inhumanity in Rome. But why does winter remind me of Harry? Simply because as winter came on each year at Manly, Harry would dedicate one of his rector’s conferences with students to the subject. We first-year students had been told by seniors what

to expect, so we were delighted when Harry proved to be so predictable. His theme was that the cold, grey weather tended to lower the spirits of young men. They became irritable and prone to being disagreeable. Some would interpret their unhappiness as a vocation crisis, a sign that they had made the wrong decision with their lives. Nothing of the sort, Harry would say. And he would conclude by recommending a good tonic, “Akta-Vita, or something like that”. Somehow, the simple, homely remedy for the problem seemed an amusing, perhaps slightly ridiculous, denouement to the issues he had described. It was known as “the Akta-Vite talk”. For all that, what Harry did was probably very wise and useful. In those days, of course, no one would have spoken about winter causing mental health issues. Instead, Harry observed that miserable weather makes you miserable. That very usefully both put a name to the problem and asserted that the situation was one of a perfectly normal human reaction to circumstances. Even the proposed solution was a call to not wallow in the feelings, but to take some action to deal with the problem. Simple human wisdom. I guess I am again giving vent to my unease about the current tendency to call every negative emotion a mental health issue, with the implication that normal reactions like sadness, frustration, sense of loss and so on are somehow “unhealthy”. I also doubt whether just talking about feelings and “owning” them is as helpful as naming the problem that caused the feelings and trying to address it. I apologise for raising this again. I do wish to say, however, that I think some of these considerations also apply

to our spiritual lives. When we can’t pray or just spend time in stillness with God, when we feel somehow distant or cool in our faith, perhaps we need not to focus so much on the feelings, or “crisis of faith”, as to ask ourselves what has happened to bring on these feelings. Perhaps I have done something that has made me ill at ease around God? Let’s name it. “I have done wrong. I have sinned.” The feeling of guilt is not the problem, the guilt is the problem. Perhaps I need to apologise to someone. Most likely I need to confess to God and receive forgiveness. Guilt is another of those negative emotions that we’re not supposed to have these days, a “spiritual health issue” if you like. But it is, thank God, also a normal human reaction to a situation. We can spend our

energy trying to cope with the emotion, or we can name what has caused it and do something practical about that. Winter happens, as Harry Davis knew, and it affects our emotional state. What happens after that is, to a fair extent, up to us.

Bishop Bill Wright Diocese of Maitland-Newcastle

Frankly Spoken If you quarrel within the family, do not end the day without making peace,” Pope Francis said. “And do you know why? Because cold war, day after day, is extremely dangerous. It does not help.

Pope Francis’ Sunday Angelus address, 27 December 2020, where he announced that from March 2021 the Catholic Church will dedicate more than a year to focusing on the family and conjugal love.

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Main: Gemma, Helen and Elliot are now adapting to life as a trio. Photo: Peter Stoop. Insert: The family of four at the summit of Mount Kosciuszko in 2019.

Challenges to overcome LIZZIE SNEDDEN

Walking to the Mount Kosciuszko summit from Thredbo is no easy feat. When the conditions reach freezing, the 21km journey becomes even more challenging. However, for St Patrick’s Primary School students Elliot and Gemma Wisman Santamaria, it is an important tradition they continue in their father’s memory. Michael Wisman was just shy of his 39th birthday when he lost his four-year battle with bowel cancer. His wife, Helen, says they never spoke much of his wishes for the family after his departure, as he never wanted to live without hope that he could overcome the insidious disease. Instead, the father of two continued to support his family, working when he could in between treatments and operations. Despite the setbacks he encountered, Michael also tried his best to be a “fun dad”, at which he was exceedingly successful if his children’s memories are the test. “Our dad was very playful,” says Elliot, 10. “He was a great tickler and liked to be silly with us.” Gemma, 8, says he was a good dad. “He gave great cuddles and lots of treats,” she says. In March last year, on the eve of COVID-19 lockdowns, Michael’s life on Earth ended. “In a way, the lockdown was good as it provided time for the three of us to be together and mourn together,” Helen says,

reflecting on when she lost her partner of 20 years. “It was a time when the whole world was different, because of COVID-19, so it wasn’t only us getting used to a new normal, it was the whole world; just that our new normal was not only with COVID-19, but also without Michael. “However, it also meant we could not physically seek the support of most family. Most of our family live overseas, and I haven’t seen them since before we lost Michael. They would have all loved to be around to say goodbye to Michael and be here to support us all.” However, the family has received great support from their neighbours, friends, and the St Patrick’s Primary School community in Swansea. “We’ve received lots of food, which has been great,” says Elliot. Gemma says that lasagne has been a favourite. As a family, they have adopted a saying. “Thanks to them,” they say in unison, with smiles on their faces. “We are so grateful to everyone in the community who have been so helpful and supportive,” Helen says. The community’s generosity has not been limited to dropping off parcels of food. It supported Gemma and Elliot as they embarked on their third climb of

the highest mountain peak on Australia’s mainland for Rare Cancers Australia’s Kosi Challenge. Along with their mother, the duo has raised more than $2,000 for their efforts this year. A substantial portion of proceeds from their school’s annual St Patrick’s Day fundraiser was donated to support the family’s efforts. “We wanted to raise money and awareness about rare cancers so that people – other people like our dad – can receive better help,” Elliot says. Funds raised have gone to Rare Cancers Australia, whose mission is to improve awareness, support and access to the best treatments and technologies for Australians with rare and less common cancers. Currently, there is little support for people with rare cancer. The mortality rate is extremely high. Every year there are more than 52,000 diagnoses of rare and less common cancers and about 25,000 deaths. Coupled with the exorbitant financial burden of non-subsidised treatments, most patients struggle to access information and care. The first two times the children did the climb, their father was by their side every step of the way, despite his illness. “He just wanted to see us happy,” Helen says. Michael was just 35 years of age when he received the unimaginable diagnosis.

“When Michael initially went to the doctor’s surgery, we thought it might be irritable bowel syndrome or Crohn’s disease. To find out he had terminal cancer took us entirely by surprise. “The children were so young and Michael fought so hard to stay with us. He even took part in a clinical trial with the hope of getting better.” But it wasn’t to be. “It’s been pretty tough adjusting to life without Michael. Even when he was sick and unable to do much, he was still here. I feel a lot of responsibility now raising the children on my own, without their father here to confide in.” But she says the kids have been “amazing”. “I don’t know what I would do without them. Gemma and Elliot are so resilient, caring, helpful and supportive. I think they’ve recognised that even though they’ve lost their dad, I’ve lost my husband and best friend too.” The family hope to continue taking on the Kosi Challenge each year in Michael’s honour. “We hope that by doing it, our friends will learn more about rare cancers, and maybe they’ll want to help when they get older,” Elliot says.

A U R O R A C AT H O L I C D I O C E S E O F M A I T L A N D - N E W C A S T L E

Lauren with her three happy children. Photo: Peter Stoop.

Unconditional foster love has its benefits LIZ BAKER

Lauren Chelman has a 14-year-old, 9-year-old, and a 2-year-old. Living in the Lower Hunter juggling school, work, appointments, and the experiences of teenage, ’tween and toddler years all at once, the family is like many in our region. But there’s a unique and special relationship among her children. Sarah*, aged 9, is adopted. CatholicCare Social Services Hunter-Manning has supported Lauren since she began fostering Sarah when she was just six weeks old. “I felt I had love to give,” Lauren says. “I wanted to give another child a home, give them love, security and help meet their needs. I often hear people say to me that it’s selfless, but I think I am the one who is so lucky. Sarah has brought so much joy to my life.” After fostering another child for about seven months, Lauren was asked to care for Sarah when she was born prematurely and could not live with her parents. It was only two years later that Sarah was diagnosed with cancer. Following treatment, she received a diagnosis of epilepsy and then in 2018, a second recurrence of cancer. But in 2019, Lauren adopted Sarah and she is currently loving life, has a brave outlook and continues to be a fighter. Lauren admits it’s not your average foster care and adoption story.

“It’s been such an important journey and I’ve honestly found it so rewarding,” she says. “You don’t have to give birth to a child to love them, that’s for sure. “I was shocked when Sarah became sick, I had some people say to me, ‘Are you going to give her back?’ and I would just look at them and say ‘No way, she’s a member of my family. You wouldn’t hand your own child back.’” This unconditional love and care are the very qualities that drew Lauren to become a foster carer. “My mum’s friend had been a carer for as long as I can remember,” she says.” Seeing her as I grew up, foster care is always something I wanted to do – even when I was a teenager, I knew I would do it. My mum’s friend had a range of different experiences; supporting children in emergency care, helping kids with additional needs and longer-term foster care children, and it really opened my eyes. “I would recommend anyone be a foster carer or consider adoption. It’s such a rewarding experience. It’s not just about providing care – I mean Sarah is loved and secure and safe, but that’s so meaningful for me too.” Lauren explains an open adoption means she has guardianship of Sarah, but her birth parents are still part of her life.

“We still see her parents and grandparents,” she says. “We still connect at times like Mother’s Day, Easter and Christmas and have other regular visits, often in neutral locations.

complex health journey through which Lauren has supported Sarah over her nine years, as with most families she says she just wants all her kids to achieve what they want in their lives.

“The family are important relationships in Sarah’s life. She has a half-sister too and it’s so important for Sarah to know her family, know her past and have those connections.

“I want them all to be happy and content,” Lauren says. “For Sarah, I hope she will grow up healthy and happy, and know she is well loved. It’s the joy I get from all my kids that matters to me.”

“It’s been amazing to learn of those connections. Even though she’s been with me since she was six weeks old, there are parts of her personality that completely mirror her biological family – a love of reptiles and her creative side. That’s made me realise how important an open adoption and these relationships are.”

*Name has been changed.

Lauren has the benefit of a family-like support network through CatholicCare. “They always listen,” she says. “The caseworkers are really good and always help us out. The team has been so supportive of me through the adoption process, which is quite lengthy and challenging at times. I relied on their support and understanding.” CatholicCare's extended Carers Support Network enables Lauren to talk to other carers and learn from their experiences and similar challenges. Despite the special relationships and the

“

I was shocked when Sarah became sick, I had some people say to me, ‘Are you going to give her back?’ and I would just look at them and say ‘No way, she’s a member of my family.’

„

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The Sarokhan family are embracing their new life in Australia. Photo: Peter Stoop.

Beach and barbies replace conflict SARAH JAMES

Living in a safe country such as Australia is something we often take for granted, but Khurshid Sarokhan could not feel more thankful to live in a society free from conflict. Khurshid and his family arrived in Newcastle in September 2018 and are just one of the many families forming part of the community at the CatholicCare Refugee Hub. Throughout the world there are an estimated 30-45 million Kurdish people. Due to their status as an ethnic minority group, they have never been able to establish an autonomous nationstate, except for in the small Iraqi Kurdistan region. Successive Syrian governments have implemented policies to repress Kurdish cultural identity in the country, including banning the use of the Kurdish language, refusing to register children with Kurdish names, and replacing Kurdish names with new Arabic names. “Life was difficult in Syria,” Khurshid, who worked as a welder, said. “In every family, at least two or three people will work so you can afford bread or clothes.” As the Syrian civil war intensified in 2013, Khurshid and his wife Sanaa were faced with an unimaginable decision: stay and potentially jeopardise their growing family’s safety, or leave their wider family and

friends behind in pursuit of a better life. Travelling by foot, Khurshid and Sanaa fled their homeland with their five children: Sozdar (16), Hussein (15), Jihan (12), Nazdar (8) and Dilgash (6). “On the day we left Syria to travel to Kurdistan, our daughter Nazdar was barely six weeks old, the temperature was high, and we walked for about 10 hours,” Khurshid says. The Sarokhans lived in Iraqi-Kurdistan for five years, followed by a refugee camp in Dubai before being given a list of four countries to which they could immigrate. “I did not know anything about Australia, except that it was safe and very beautiful,” he says. Trading the war-torn Syria for the sandy shores of Newcastle brought a huge sense of relief to the Sarokhan family, but it was not without its own set of challenges. “Before coming to Australia I did not speak any English,” he says. “I spoke two languages, Kurdish and Arabic.” Between the new language, loss of wider family, community, and culture, the Sarokhan family was left feeling isolated in their new country. Australia may have been their country, but it was not their home. That was until John Sandy came knocking on their door.

John is a social worker at the CatholicCare Refugee Hub, with a primary ambition of assisting refugees settle into the Australian way of life. As a former refugee himself, John is uniquely able to empathise and empower refugees on their journey to independence.

with their local community, cooking up more two hundred kebabs for their children’s school!

Since John’s first visit to the family twoand-a-half years ago, the Sarokhans have taken up every opportunity the Refugee Hub has offered. If you stop by the Refugee Hub on Church Street, you will be hard-pressed to find a photo not featuring the Sarokhan family.

Khurshid hopes that by moving to Australia his children will grow up with a quality education that will enable them to follow their dreams.

Khurshid and Sanaa attend the weekly English classes, as well as the Men’s Program and Women’s Group. Their children have also taken part in the Bike Safety Workshop, Community Soccer Project and Beach Safety Workshop. The aim of these groups is to provide a safe space for refugees to make connections, develop their confidence and language skills, and to gain knowledge that will assist them to integrate into Australian society. “I have made friends,” Khurshid says. “I’m happy that I get to connect with these people for parties, to go to the beach and to have barbecues.” There’s no doubt the Sarokhans have fully embraced the Novocastrian way of life, with most weekends spent swimming or fishing at Nobbys Beach. They have also been sharing their culture and traditions

While their three-bedroom Jesmond home may be bursting at the seams, it is also overflowing with gratitude and love.

“I am very happy that I came to Australia. My children are very happy and have everything [they need] here. “Syria is my country and Australia is my country,” he says. “Everything is good – the most important thing is safety for my family.” If you would like to donate to, or volunteer at CatholicCare Social Services HunterManning’s Refugee Hub please visit www.catholiccare.org.au.

A U R O R A C AT H O L I C D I O C E S E O F M A I T L A N D - N E W C A S T L E

Chayse with his HSC artwork, “TRANScending the storm”, which depicts the complex experience of being a young transgender person. Photo: supplied.

We are all made in God’s image LIZZIE SNEDDEN

When Maryanne was pregnant, she had an inkling she was going to have a boy. However, when she gave birth to what physically appeared as a baby girl in 2002, there was no sense of loss. Maryanne was just glad to have a healthy, happy baby. Fast forward 14 years, and in 2016, Maryanne’s daughter came to her explaining she felt she was a boy – assigned the wrong genitals at birth. Maryanne was supportive of her child’s feelings and they embarked on a journey of self-discovery. Over the next year, her/she pronouns were dropped in favour of them/their, and once flowing locks were chopped off. The extended family and school were informed and supported their choice. The following year, comfortable with how things were progressing, Maryanne’s child – then a young adult at 15 years of age – was requesting to be called Chayse and wear the boys’ school uniform. The St Joseph’s College community at Lochinvar supported this move. Chayse’s circle of friends remained the same and staff at the school responded positively to any requests that were made. Chayse’s interests remain unaltered. Ultimately, Chayse describes his transition as not having a huge impact on anyone else, and nor should it. It was a decision that allowed him to live his truth. Chayse’s experience of wanting to

transition is not unique. Gender dysphoria is the term commonly used to describe the distress felt by people whose sense of being male or female differs from the gender they are assigned at birth. For some people, the difference between their gender identity and physical characteristics can cause significant and persistent emotional distress. The Royal Children’s Hospital in Melbourne says about 1.2 per cent of Australian schoolchildren, or about 45,000 children, are thought to identify as transgender. Being transgender or gender diverse is regarded as part of the natural spectrum of human diversity. In our school communities across the Diocese of Maitland-Newcastle, parents of children with gender dysphoria are asking for support. The Director of Catholic Schools in the Diocese, Gerard Mowbray, says it is important we offer assistance, advice and appropriate support when the need for their child to transition to his/her affirmed gender is identified. “As Christians, we believe we are all made in the image and likeness of God, and thus we must also embrace the notion that our diversity of physical, psychological and spiritual conformations is also in God’s image,” he says. “The observant adult, watching a child grow and develop, wonders at how each individual child is different in so many ways from any other child. Those God-created differences make each child unique. Often

those differences are what we love most about each child.” Chayse portrays a sense of maturity of someone far older than his years. He is compassionate and quietly confident. He says he agreed to be interviewed because he feels lucky to have the support of his friends, family, and school. “When I first expressed my gender dysphoria to family and friends, I was worried about how they would react,” Chayse says. “Thankfully, I never experienced bullying or isolation from my family, at school, or in the community. “My mother even said that from the time she was pregnant with me, she always felt that I was a boy – even though in my younger years there was nothing overtly ‘boyish’ about me. I have always felt accepted, no matter what. “However, I know this isn’t the case for everyone. To those people I would say it is important to reach out to others going through the same experience – whether they be living in your community, or through online support groups. It makes a difference getting to speak to people who are experiencing the same feelings as you.” Maryanne says her love for Chayse is unconditional. “Chayse has, and will always have, all my love, support, and acceptance in pursuing whatever means necessary to let him live his most authentic life,” Maryanne says.

Chayse believes there are misnomers of which the community should be aware. He reinforces that gender variance is not about sex or sexuality, it is about identity. Now that Chayse has completed school, he is seeking further medical support and advice regarding hormones and eventually, to formally transition. Until then, the NSW Anti-Discrimination Act supports Chayse, and others like him. It states: A person does not have to have had sex change surgery or hormone therapy to be considered transgender under the NSW Anti-Discrimination Act, or have a new birth certificate. All people who are counted as transgender must be treated fairly in the workplace. They should generally be allowed to use toilets and change rooms of their preferred gender and to wear dress or uniform of their preferred gender, unless it is not ‘reasonable with regard to all the circumstances’ to do so. But bathrooms can still be problematical. “Toilets are something that seem to interest most people,” Chayse says. “We’re not there to cause any trouble. We just need to use the bathroom like everyone else. It would make it easier for everyone if there were more unisex options available.” Chayse comes across as a strong and assured young man – a son to instil pride in any parent.

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Consenting to change DARRELL CROKER

Catherine Garrett-Jones says Catholic schools recognise families as the first educators of their children.

The issue of sexual consent is shaking the foundations of Australian society, from federal parliament to elite Sydney schools. People are calling for action – through legal reform and better education. Testimonies from young women have created momentum on a whole-ofsociety issue that requires a co-ordinated response across government and the community. In NSW, all three education sectors signed a Statement of Intent as a first step to driving cultural change around sexual violence. Catholic, government and independent schools agreed to strengthen the understanding of consent and harm prevention in school communities. Catherine Garrett-Jones is the Professional Officer (Family Engagement) for the Diocese of Maitland-Newcastle Catholic Schools Office. Mrs GarrettJones says Catholic schools recognise families as the first educators of their children. “It goes without saying that parents and carers have the primary responsibility in shaping the values and attitudes of their children,” she says. “The Statement of Intent is a shared commitment that recognises the rights of children and young people to feel safe, protected and valued and to be given the opportunity or voice to strengthen and inform further work that needs to be done to support the development of healthy relationships and prevent harmful situations.”

Consent: f is not only about obtaining a single “yes” or “no” f is an agreement between people to engage in a sexual activity f is needed for any kind of sexual activity, non-physical and physical f means freely choosing to say “yes” to a sexual activity f is always clearly communicated – there should be no mystery or doubt, impairment, coercion, or aggravation. New definitions refer to “enthusiastic/affirmative” consent. If it is not an enthusiastic “yes”, then it is a “no”. Persistent “gentle” coercion leading to a reluctant “OK” is no longer acceptable consent. Multiple indications of consent can occur in any one sexual activity. Consent can be withdrawn at any point in the sexual activity. Without consent, any sexual activity is against the law and can be harmful. Each individual has the right to decide what happens to their body irrespective of age, gender, culture, personal characteristics, behaviour, attitude, clothing, state of intoxication or other form of impairment. This information comes from the following sources: Reach Out www.au.reachout.com Family Planning NSW www.fpnsw.org.au Rape and Sexual Assault Research and Advocacy www.rasara.org

Zoë Trypas is Senior Investigator, Prevention and Response Service, for the Diocese’s Office of Safeguarding. Ms Trypas says students, parents, communities, and statutory oversights expect schools to be safe. “To be fair, schools’ responsibilities in this day and age are many and varied and ever-increasing,” she says. “Not only do schools have legal and moral obligations to prepare for and respond to safeguarding matters within their functioning, there is now a trend for schools to be brought into safeguarding concerns that occur outside their limits but impact on students within their community. “Student peer-on-peer sexual incidents are a good example of this. An alleged sexual crime or abuse occurs between students on the weekend at a private party and on Monday morning the school finds itself needing to respond to a dynamic of often competing priorities. These include ensuring appropriate safeguards for the students involved whilst maintaining their educational needs, providing supports to the students and their families, and working co-operatively with any statutory authorities that may be involved.

It’s a lot for schools to be solely responsible for.” Statistics show our teenagers are finding themselves in front of the law. The Australian Institute of Health and Welfare’s report “Sexual Assault in Australia” says in 2018–19 the majority of sexual assault offenders recorded by police were male (97 per cent) with boys and men aged 15–19 incurring the highest offender rates of any age group. Disrespect and violence towards women are nothing new, but today’s young men vilified for toxic masculinity have grown up in an era of pornographisation. The internet is seemingly beyond censorship. In reflecting on her own experience as a parent, Mrs Garrett-Jones said she and her husband have tried to instil values that ensure their daughters are not only capable of making appropriate, healthy decisions for themselves, but can voice concerns for vulnerable peers. “Our role as parents has been to model the respectful relationship we hope our children will experience,” she says. “But more importantly, to guide them to the support they may need, to encourage conversation that enables them to share their experiences and gain confidence in their own value system. “This has not just ‘happened’. It has been a life-long experience for them, centred in our family, often around the dinner table where no topic is off limits. Sexual consent has been on our ‘dinnertable agenda’, with uniform belief that a cultural shift is required and parents and carers – the grown-ups in the lives of young people – have a critical role in ensuring attitudes that may stem from entitlement and privilege, are challenged and confronted. “As parents and carers, we have the ultimate privilege of shaping values that ultimately result in young people positively impacting the fabric and culture of our communities.” Australian Bureau of Statistics figures highlight that sexual assaults of people aged 15 and over most frequently involve an offender known to the victim. Ms Trypas says this is not unique to the era. “Entitlement, boundary breaches, and the general acceptance of unwanted behaviour have been long tolerated in our communities, generation after generation,” Ms Trypas says. “But current statistics highlight the fact that our young boys and men are the most vulnerable in repeating the harmful sexual behaviours they’ve absorbed along the way and they’re more likely to do this with people they know.” A focus shift is required from educating girls about minimising risk of sexual harm to instructing boys on their legal and moral obligations. The aim should be virtuous masculinity.

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Marriage and its blessings BISHOP BILL WRIGHT

Marriage has been around longer than the Church. Societies have had ways of ritualising the pairing of a couple from time immemorial. In pre-Christian Europe, for example, an elder generally performed some form of “hand joining”. There were already such arrangements in the societies in which Christianity took root, and for a long time, marriage remained more a customary ritual than a specifically religious or Christian institution. The Church, in fact, became involved in marriage rather slowly and hesitantly. There is medieval evidence of people marrying according to customary forms and then going to the church for a blessing, often given at the church door. Only gradually did the marriage itself come to be something that belonged “in Church”. But in the mid-12th century, Peter Lombard included marriage in his list of the Seven Sacraments and it became very much Church business. To this day, however, the Church doesn’t actually marry people – they marry each other. The consent of two Christians makes the Sacrament of Marriage, so that in Church law a couple can validly marry without a priest if they can’t get one for a month or so. The blessing then occurs when the priest next comes by. All of that background is to say that there’s always been marriage as a social phenomenon, regulated by custom or the law of the land, and then there is Marriage, the Christian sacrament. That they are

separate things is clear in countries where Catholics need to have two ceremonies, a “legal marriage” before a state official and then a sacramental marriage before a priest. In Australia, this doesn’t happen, but only because ministers of churches are also made state-registered marriage celebrants. I am authorised celebrant #N 16360. Anyway, the point is there’s marriage according to Australian law, and there’s the Sacrament of Marriage in the Church. And there are differences. First, sacramental marriage is permanent because it is a sacrament, an act of God that unites the couple so that, as Jesus said: “What God has joined together man must not divide.” Yet civilly, marriages can be dissolved after a year’s separation. There can be other differences such as the permissible age for marriage, the allowable degree of consanguinity, the required notice to be given beforehand, and whether marriage by proxy is allowed. Above all, there are differences in who can marry. Divorced people can marry again civilly but not, prima facie, in the Church. And recently our state has allowed the marriage of people of the same sex. We can see here two distinct understandings of marriage, one as a legal relationship reflecting current community values, the other as a rite consecrating a wonderful human thing by bringing it to God to be filled with grace and the power of the Spirit. The Church respects both as rich in their human value

to the individuals involved, to families and to society. But they are still different. Which brings me at last to the recent Vatican direction that the Church’s ministers cannot give a blessing to samesex marriages. In the relatively short statement, to which Pope Francis assents, it is recognised that there can be many good elements in a loving, committed same-sex relationship, but it lacks the element of Christian marriage that is about a man and a woman coming together, in love certainly, but also with an intent and an openness to creating new life from their union. The statement is quite specific in saying that we cannot bless the union as such, as if it were a sacramental marriage. But this “does not preclude the blessings given to individual persons with homosexual inclinations”. This latter point needs to be read in the light of all Pope Francis’s teaching, particularly in Amoris Laetitia, about how the Church must stick with people who are doing their best to love and serve God, even when their circumstances are at odds with the teachings of the Church. We can love, respect and support people, acknowledging the good in them, without endorsing everything they do or believe. Every family knows that. The Vatican direction simply says that we mustn’t treat all forms of relationships civil law recognises, including same-sex

marriage, as if they were some “signs” of God’s grace working in us as is the sign – sacrament – of two people binding themselves together in committed, loving, permanent and fruitful union. We pray, indeed, for people in all manner of circumstances, like estrangement or bereavement or exile or personal conflict, that by God’s grace they will grow in faith, hope and love despite the challenges they face. But we can’t always use a ritual to declare that where they are in life now is truly a blessed place to be.

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...there can be many good elements in a loving, committed same-sex relationship, but it lacks the element of Christian marriage that is about a man and a woman coming together...

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Tips to manage family finances TIM POOLE

People assume that as a financial adviser with 25 years experience, I use all kinds of sophisticated tools to manage our family budget. In reality, my wife and I take a basic approach to balancing our cash flow.

to non-essential expenses such as the latest tech gadget or fine dining at the newest restaurant in town.

Here are a few principles we follow. 1. Identify our goals

Similar to many Aussie families, my wife and I face multiple competing uses for our income. To keep us focused, we have set some goals – short, medium, and long-term. These goals include paying for our family’s essential expenses, saving for our kids’ education, and repaying our home loan. Setting aside small amounts whenever we can makes long-term goals more achievable thanks to the power of compounding.

While we have many more years to go before we retire, we have been making small voluntary contributions to our super. When our kids become independent and our loan is repaid, we will review our circumstances.

When my wife was looking after the kids and not receiving an income, I used a couple of methods at various times to help top up her super balance. These methods included*:

As we experienced these different life stages, we have also updated our wills and the beneficiaries of our super so we can have peace of mind that those who matter to us are taken care of financially when we are no longer around.

You may notice that the techniques my wife and I use to manage our family finances come down to planning and some discipline. While it was daunting when we noticed the various expenses that we were incurring before we implemented these practices, we are now comforted that we are taking steps to help us reach our goals.

f accessing the government’s cocontribution f splitting some of my annual contributions to her super account. *There are eligibility criteria to make these types of contributions.

4. Protect our ability to earn our income

If there is one thing the global pandemic has taught us, it is to expect the unexpected.

For years, my wife and I have had insurance cover to protect our family in the event of unforeseen situations. When we purchased a new home, we reviewed our level of life insurance, which was held within and outside of super. We reviewed these insurances again when we had our kids, as our priority was to ensure their education and financial needs were covered.

f making a spouse contribution, which resulted in a tax offset for me

Making regular additional home-loan repayments is also an effective way of reducing the interest paid over the life of the loan. Our home loan offers a redraw facility, which is a useful feature in the event of an unforeseen expense such as a major home repair or a large medical bill.

We use a budget to track our purchases and all sources of income that keep our household running. A budget is also useful in keeping us accountable, so that we can say “no”

We also teach our kids about budgeting, encouraging them to save some of their weekly pocket money and to prioritise their expenses using the remaining amount.

3. Grow our super

2. Create a budget

The above principles have worked for our family, but every family is different, so you need to consider your own circumstances and if required seek advice that can be tailored to your family’s situation.

Tim Poole is Head of Financial Advice for Australian Catholic Superanuation. Any advice in this article is of a general nature only, and does not take into account your personal objectives, financial situation, or needs. Before acting on any information in this article, please assess your financial circumstances, consider the disclosure statement for any product you are considering, and seek independent financial advice if you are unsure of what action to take.

“ To keep us focused, we have set some goals – short, medium, and long-term.

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Families are back in the news ADAM FROST

The recent death of Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh, has sparked wallto-wall media coverage in celebration of his life. His death at 99 years of age was expected, due to his failing health. However, I have been surprised at the sentiment and coverage that has flowed from every source imaginable. I suppose that he, like the Queen, has been a constant in this ever-changing world. Most of us would not have experienced the world without Prince Philip in it. There have been endless tributes in the media for Prince Philip’s sacrifice, dedicated service and support of his wife and monarch, the Queen. He has also been lauded as a model for gender equality for being responsible for child-rearing decisions and the running of the household over many decades while his wife was running the monarchy. Of course, there has also been criticism. The royal family, like all families, is complicated. We have seen this bear out over numerous scandals, relationship breakdowns, not to mention, more than one “annus horribilis”. Having a media microscope placed over every action, word and parenting decision would not be for the faint-hearted. Reflecting on the royal family creates an unwitting mirror of our aspirations and difficulties of family life. We see in them what we don’t necessarily want to see in ourselves or our own families. When we

notice, or even judge the imperfections in that family, we really are highlighting some of our own struggles, sufferings and imperfections. Pope Francis has proclaimed 2021 as Amoris Laetitia Family – a year-long celebration of the joy of family love in honour of the five-year anniversary of the post-synodal exhortation Amoris Laetitia. This document, as well as the synods of bishops on the family held during 2014 and 2015, affirms the role and importance of the “vocation” of family in the life of society, Church and the Kingdom of God. Pope Francis on speaking about this exhortation notes the importance of the Church “immersing herself in real life, knowing firsthand the daily struggles” of family life and helping to understand the Gospel meaning of love, as shown to us by and in Jesus. Pope Francis also proclaimed 2021 the Year of St Joseph, Patron of the Universal Church. In the accompanying apostolic letter to this declaration, Patris corde (With a Father’s Heart), he outlines some of the character traits modelled in the life of St Joseph that are an example to the Universal Church. The letter describes St Joseph as a “tender and loving Father”, obedient to the will of God, loyal, unconditionally accepting, creatively courageous, hardworking, self-giving, responsible and respectful.

Both documents seem to emphasise to the Church that gentle accompaniment in genuine love is needed to help families reach their fullness of potential. From these two important proclamations, the family is certainly on Pope Francis’s radar due to its central importance in holding together what is good about life in the world.

perfect example. The love between the persons of the Trinity is manifest in all of creation, in each person and in each family. For those who slow down a moment to see, we can all experience this love in each ordinary moment. There may not be canned studio audience laughter with every scene, but it will be real and precious.

Families today come in all shapes and sizes and there is no perfect earthly example of what one looks like. I grew up watching examples of families on American sitcoms such as The Brady Bunch, The Cosby Show, Happy Days, Family Ties, Growing Pains, and Who’s the Boss, among others. I obviously watched a lot of TV. All these shows taught about love, dealing with inevitable conflict, sticking together, sharing experiences, difficulties and learning values. I noticed that as time went on in the 1990s and 2000s, TV shows changed to be more about friendship groups in apartment blocks and workplaces. In society too, it seemed that the idea of the nuclear family as the core unit underpinning it was less important than the individual.

Adam Frost is the education officer (formation), for the Catholic Schools’ Office Religious Education and Spirituality Services.

I am challenged today in this era of “constantly connected disconnection” to build my own family of love, shared values and experiences as well as mutual support in communion with each other. Christians look to the Holy Trinity, the divine relationship of love in three persons as the

“ Families today come in all shapes and sizes and there is no perfect earthly example of what one looks like

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g verse Learnin Supporting Di /ACT hools – NSW in Catholic Sc s for Parents A Guide by Parent

Cheryl with her son, Stephen, who attended St Mary’s College in Gateshead.

Resource upholds dignity MARILYN RODRIGUES

One mum’s passion for helping her son with learning disabilities get the best education possible has sparked a new resource to assist parents and carers facing similar challenges. Cheryl Murphy says she always knew her son Stephen, who has autism and ADHD, was different to her other children. Once a Kindergarten student limited to saying three-word sentences, the aspiring entrepreneur came first in his Year 12 course in Business Studies at St Mary’s Catholic College, Gateshead. He is now in his first year of a Business degree at the University of Newcastle. Along the way, Cheryl, who is the Deputy Chair of the Council for Catholic School Parents NSW/ACT (CCSP) and Chair of the Federation of P&F Associations in the Diocese of Maitland-Newcastle, says the support of many dedicated principals, teachers – including learning support teachers – and health professionals was crucial. But she found resources for children with a disability were limited. Information to help parents varied greatly from school to school. “Reflecting over our journey I have often thought, ‘I really wish someone had advised me to talk to the school about

what is happening with Stephen’,” she says. The online resource, Supporting Diverse Learning in Catholic Schools: A Guide By Parents For Parents, is the result of Cheryl’s “dream come true”. “All parents are time-poor, and this gives parents the tools to be the best advocates they can be for their child,” she says. The new resource was two-and-a-half years in the making, including work with focus groups in schools, writing, and a professional review process. Diocesan directors of schools, principals, teachers, learning support educators, psychologists, parents, and carers have endorsed it. The CCSP published it as an easy-toread resource covering a range of topics for parents of pre-schoolers to Year 12 students with learning needs ranging from the simple to the complex. It includes tips for before and after-school routines, communicating with the school, preparing for planning meetings at the school, homework, travel to and from school, mobile phone use, excursions and more. CCSP Executive Director, Peter Grace, says while the guide is in line with the

statutory requirements of schools, it is equally offered in the Catholic spirit of upholding the dignity of each human person. “The home-school partnership is really crucial because the personnel in the school are the experts as far as the learning goes, but no one knows the child better than the parent, so it’s about pooling that wisdom and working together in the best interests of the child,” he says. CCSP Chair, Wayne Davie, who worked with Cheryl and the Diocese of MaitlandNewcastle’s Catherine Garrett-Jones on the resource, says he knows it can be daunting for parents to navigate school systems especially if they are still coming to terms with a challenging diagnosis. “It can be not only very overwhelming for the student, but for the parents,” he says. “This is written by parents for parents, breaking things down into small and manageable parts with the ultimate aim of building partnerships between families and schools. “Some parents find it very daunting to try and start to build that relationship, although schools do encourage it. Parents know their child best, and this is about getting that knowledge to the teacher that helps them improve their approach.”

The Diocese of Maitland-Newcastle would like to extend its thanks to families who were actively involved in the development of the Supporting Diverse Learning in Catholic Schools – NSW/ACT resource. Catherine Garrett-Jones is the Professional Officer (Family Engagement) for the Diocese of Maitland-Newcastle’s Catholic Schools Office and says the families’ insight was invaluable. “Our families were so gracious in sharing their experiences,” she says. “Their feedback has enabled us to develop a practical resource that really gets to the core of what can be done to help each child in our schools to flourish.”

Cheryl hopes and prays that parents and carers of children with diverse learning needs will find this resource supportive as they navigate the school system and are encouraged to be the best advocate they can for their child. “Students with a learning disability have as much right to a quality education as anyone else,” she says. “I want people to have this, so they don’t make the mistakes I did, and so they don’t get disheartened.” Supporting Diverse Learning in Catholic Schools – NSW/ACT can be found online at www.ccsp.catholic.edu.au/studentswith-diverse-learning-needs. This article originally appeared in The Catholic Weekly and has been republished with its permission.

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Deborah Diez and Sophie Dougherty form part of the Diocese’s safeguarding team. Photo: Peter Stoop.

Moving forward DARRELL CROKER

Assisting survivors of sexual abuse requires much emotional energy, and frontline workers in the Diocese of Maitland-Newcastle appreciate their support networks. The Diocese of Maitland-Newcastle launched the Office of Safeguarding (OoSG) during National Child Protection Week in September 2019. It forms part of an abiding commitment to promote the safety, welfare and wellbeing of children and vulnerable adults, particularly those who participate in the life of the Diocese. As part of the OoSG, Healing and Support (Zimmerman Service) continues to provide a highly personalised pastoral response in recognition that the pain and damage of institutional child sexual abuse is current each day for survivors and their families. Deborah Diez, a Healing and Support caseworker, offers specialty support for those affected by institutional child sex abuse perpetrated by personnel of this Diocese. For 12 years before her current appointment, she worked in NSW Health on the wards, in the Sexual Assault Service and on the Joint Child Protection Response Program. Trust is an issue for many survivors of institutional child sex abuse. Some have waited almost a lifetime before coming forward. “One of the most powerful skills is listening,” Ms Diez says. “Listening gives way to reflection and this enables people to tune in to what they need to do. Their

experience of mistrust in childhood impacts their style of attachment in relationships and that can stay with them throughout their lives.” Sophie Dougherty is an OoSG investigator for the Prevention and Response Service. She was a member of NSW Police for 10 years and for the last five years of her service was a detective on the Child Abuse and Sex Crimes Squad. “My duties involved investigating highly complex and confronting incidences of the criminal abuse of children,” Ms Dougherty says. “These included sex crimes, serious physical abuse or extreme neglect and working with the children who had suffered or were currently suffering severe trauma. “My role in the OoSG not only involves managing and identifying risk and responding to and investigating child protection incidents but also advising and providing practical support and education of safeguarding obligations to all those working with children and students in the Diocese.” It is a line of work with its own challenges. “Having a great team of investigators around me helps through the challenging times,” she says. “And having two young children in primary school helps me understand the perspective of everyone involved in the matters I deal with. “I understand that my role and the role of parents is to advocate what’s best for their child and understand the impact our

involvement can have on a family. I also see through my children how hard teachers work and the challenges they face today.

Ms Dougherty says she has often come home from work and thought about the privilege and love her children experience.

“My workload can be stressful, and sometimes it is a thankless job. However, I see my role as a privilege to be involved in developing changes and promoting good outcomes for children and young people.”

“As an employee, I feel proud and honoured to be part of a dedicated, caring and supportive team that is the OoSG,” she says. “As a parent, I am confident and reassured that all children and students in the Diocese, including my own, are embraced and protected by a safeguarding Church that acknowledges the crimes and failures of its past but has taken every step possible to ensure they never happen again."

Ms Diez says her work influences the parenting of her teenagers. "I am more cautious around their socialising, relationships and use of social media,” she says. “I am more concerned about their physical and emotional safety as well as their ability to act on their gut feel in the choices and decisions they make. This includes their being respectful in relationships and looking out for others.” In dealing with survivors of institutional sex abuse, Ms Diez says she listens, believes, and supports. Referring clients to counselling helps them learn strategies to regulate their emotions and tolerate the distress. But hearing the harrowing cases takes a toll. “I have a supportive team and manager to talk to,” she says. “I also have a supportive partner and self-care strategies such as yoga, deep breathing and mindfulness that I practise daily to maintain resilience.” Ms Diez says it is important she knows she has done the best for her clients. “Adverse childhood experiences have set an unfair life journey for them that I hope to help steer in a different direction,” she says.

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Cherie Johnson believes its every Australian child’s right to learn about cultural practices. Photo: Peter Stoop. Insert: “Lest we forget” by Cherie Johnson.

Keeping it in the family CHERIE JOHNSON

The Britannica definition of kinship is “a system of social organisation based on real or putative family ties”. However, for many Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Australians, kinship is far greater, complex, loving, and embedded way of knowing, being and doing. Kinship care is normal for Aboriginal families; family comes first always and it is tied to our Aboriginal ways. I am a proud descendant of the Gamilaroi people. Daughter of Dawn Conlan, granddaughter of Rachel Darcy and great granddaughter of Charlotte Wright. I am honoured to be part of my legacy. This is my identity. This is who I am – my kinship relationships. As a child I thrived in the care and love of many of my family. My mother’s sisters were all considered my mothers, and their children were my siblings. To spend entire school holidays with an aunty and weeks at a time with my nan are some of my most precious childhood memories. To be raised and loved in multi households was a simple pleasure. I was safe and felt secure. Today, for many families and individuals, this is no longer the case. Many Aboriginal families have encountered the forced removal of children into an “other” due to the Protection Act 1909-1943. However, the forced number of removals has remained high long since then. This removal of children into homes, and the people from their lands onto reserves, was a form of genocide.

In 2008, I was moved to create an installation that includes an arrangement of ceramic coolamons representational of Indigenous children removed from their families. It is entitled Lest We Forget. I selected the traditional symbol of the coolamon, as its use was varied, but is most recognisable for the purpose of carrying babies. The number of coolamons used in the installation literally represents the documented statistics of those children who were removed, “nationally being one in three children”, as documented in the “Bringing Them Home” report. As a result of the installation – its size, title and simplicity – the viewer is compelled to seek rationale. Each coolamon or empty space is anonymous, like the children. Some spots are simply vacant, representing those children who could never find their way home. The broken coolamons are representative of the reality that is the multiplicity of socio-economic distress; that is, the reality of modern Aboriginal society. The close kinship safety net – knowing and belonging – is now distant, removed, invisible and a broken existence. These individuals are displaced. The out-of-home care system has continued to lock many Aboriginal people into the removal process, when short-term and long-term solutions may otherwise have been a normal kinship relationship.

The continued act of genocide has resulted in a loss of language and cultural knowledge, all impacting an individual’s cultural identity. This results in many feeling displaced and unable to speak of their descendants. Aboriginal people do not have a concept of adoption – it is simply kinship care. The whole community is responsible for raising the children. However, people are able to reclaim and reconnect with their ancestry. Culture is evolving, just as the Oxford dictionary adds new words each year, 2021 Aboriginal culture continues to evolve and is thriving. So, what can we do to help families and individuals connect to their cultural practices and culture? Is it possible to reverse some of the damage? At Speaking in Colour, we believe so. We consider it is every Australian child’s right to participate in and learn about cultural practices, especially Aboriginal children. It is of the utmost importance that schools provide these cultural opportunities for students as currently 25 per cent of the Aboriginal population in the Hunter/ Lake Macquarie areas is aged between 5 and 14. But what if you’re no longer in the education system? What can you do to gain a greater understanding of Aboriginal people and culture? Be an informed member of society and agent for change. Be aware of, and take part in, movements such as @Tradingblak, promoting Aboriginal

products. Finally, diversify your viewing, reading and listening about Aboriginal people and culture to include Aboriginal authors, film makers and journalists who are speaking the truth. Cherie Johnson is the founder of Speaking in Colour, formed in 2010 to provide professional development for educators. Speaking in Colour’s mission is to educate, equip and encourage businesses and educators to understand and embrace Aboriginal culture and share this knowledge with the youth of today. Speaking in Colour has a variety of resources available on their website www.speakingincolour.com.au as well as information about their school and workplace programs.

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Connecting the rituals ROBYN DONNELLY

When our two sons were in preschool, I would often ask them about their day. Their responses were not dissimilar to those you might expect; “good,” and “boring” were quite common, and on a particularly interesting day it might even extend to “fun”. It was around that same time I began my career as a marriage and relationship educator for the Diocese of MaitlandNewcastle. As I continue to do now, I would host courses and conversations for couples interested in increasing their knowledge and improving tried and tested skills to enhance relationships, helping them to love intentionally and connect better. These courses and conversations are based on decades of research by international experts in the field of relationships including John Gottman, Director of the Gottman Institute. Dr Gottman’s theory, the Sound Relationship House (SRH), relates to the principles of staying connected as a couple, but it can be used in all relationships, in particular families and parent-child relationships. He cites seven principles that enable the relationships to grow in friendship, trust, and commitment and that add credit to our emotional bank accounts. When we deposit in the bank account, our actions display our personal commitment to the relationship.

However, there are many daily occurrences where we make withdrawals from the emotional bank account – consciously or subconsciously – and it causes hurt, disappointment, loss of respect and often sadness in the relationship. When this occurs, we need “repair” in the form of actions that change the behaviour. Correcting the behaviour speaks louder than “sorry”. In the first level of the SRH, Dr Gottman describes the importance of keeping connected through “friendship talk”. This reminds us to make time to sit and chat about our lives as a family, deeply and ritualistically a few times each week, to build our knowledge of each other. It should be separate from chatting about the practicalities of our to-do lists, jobs, and housekeeping. The seventh and final level of the SRH looks at creating shared meaning as well as other rituals to create “we/us times” in the relationship. His fellow researcher Dr Bill Doherty looks at rituals and intentionality in our relationship, verses operating on autopilot, to create moments that ensure we are working on building our friendship and connection. As married couples, we might like to keep in mind the idea of being intentional in the decisions we make in marriage rather than just seeing where the journey takes us. A good example of being intentional in a relationship is having a ritual. This is

something you intentionally do together that is a priority for you both, which means you will put it above other things you might do.

family ritual that helped nurture intentional conversation between our family and foster a sense of belonging.

Marital or family rituals are social interactions that are repeated, coordinated, and significant. Rituals can be everyday interactions, or they could be once a year, but they are repeated. All parties should know what is expected in a ritual. You cannot have a meal ritual together if you don’t know when to show up for it, and you can’t dance together if you don’t know what kind of dance you are going to do. A ritual is something that has positive emotional meaning in a relationship.

Understandably, the boys didn’t always want to join the conversation, but for the most part it helped us forge stronger connections and think beyond ourselves as individuals and consider our responsibilities as family members, and members of our community.

Which brings me back to the story of when our boys were younger, and how I grew to elicit greater responses than merely “good,” “boring,” and “fun”. When the boys were about five and seven, my husband and I set about creating a family ritual at the dinner table each night. Gathering for our evening meal commenced with grace. We then asked three questions of each person around the table. If we had guests, they were invited to take part. The original questions were “what was the best part of your day?”, “what was the worst part of your day?”, “how did you make a difference today?”. These evolved with additions such as “tell us something we might not know or expect about you?”. We continued this tradition until the boys left home and even now, when they come and visit, we’ll often perform this

Dr Doherty says rituals such as these strengthen the ties that bind couples and families together. He suggests creating and using them often. They demonstrate choice-making that confirms a personal commitment to your relationship, as opposed to a person in the relationship by constraint. Robyn Donnelly is the co-ordinator of marriage and relationship education in the Catholic Diocese of Maitland-Newcastle. Ideas for family rituals 1. Host a weekly family video night. 2. Share the Sunday newspaper over a special breakfast. 3. Pick a unique Christmas ornament as a family each year, noting why it was selected. Each Christmas that follows, reflect on the expanding collection as a family, as you decorate the tree. 4. Go for a picnic at the start of each spring.

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Peaceful solutions after relationship breakdown ANNE KINNEAR

A marriage or relationship breakdown is never easy, however, the way the separating partners approach it can make an incredible difference to the individuals concerned and their children. The way separating partners deal with the breakdown of a marriage or a relationship can have consequences that reverberate throughout the rest of their lives and those of their children if it is not done carefully. A classic example of a marriage breakdown gone to extremes is portrayed in the 1989 movie The War of the Roses, starring Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner. The relationship breakdown descends into allout conflict, but in the end nobody “wins”. The Dalai Lama has this to say: “Follow the three R’s. Respect for self. Respect for others. Responsibility for all your actions.” This is a good thought to bear in mind when approaching a relationship or marriage breakdown. Using an alternative dispute resolution (ADR) process, such as mediation or collaborative law, enables this to be put it into practice. In contrast, litigation can be used to resolve a relationship breakdown. But litigation rarely heals differences or promotes understanding between separating partners and the financial cost is a huge burden. Going to court looking for a solution can be dangerous and it is always better to settle. As one well known judge said: “Mediation is a good thing

because it helps to engender settlement and only a fool does not want to settle.” Collaborative practice is a process where the separating partners, and their lawyers, enter into an enforceable agreement to settle the conflict without litigation or threats to go to court. This is such a fundamental part of the process that if either of the separating partners withdraws from the collaborative process, they must all find new legal representation. The collaborative process provides the separating partners with the opportunity to work co-operatively to resolve the issues that have come about as a result of the decision to separate. It allows the separating partners to resolve separation and family disputes with respect and dignity and is usually more cost effective, quicker, and less emotionally draining than the traditional method of litigating in the Family Court. The collaborative process works when separating partners are willing to be open and honest with each other. The process involves a number of fourway meetings between the separating partners and their lawyers. At the first four-way meeting, everyone signs up to a contractually binding Participation Agreement. The Participation Agreement covers the process involved, including that all participants will actively engage in the process in a reasoned, interest-based way, with informal and open disclosure of all

relevant facts and documents. The process is confidential and provides for the joint instruction of all independent experts. The separating partners with assistance from their lawyers set the agenda for the four-way meetings. In the collaborative process, the separating partners control matters important to them. Everybody involved keeps an open mind and the collaborative lawyers facilitate discussion for both sides, while providing sound legal advice not only for their own client but for the other party. More often than not, a working relationship with the other partner is maintained, which is particularly beneficial if there are children involved. To find more details of the collaborative process, go to the website of Collaborative Professionals (NSW) Inc at www. collabprofessionalsnsw.org.au. Another frequently used alternative dispute resolution process is mediation. One of the principal advantages of private mediation in family disputes is the compromises separating partners reach. Courts are limited in the remedies they can impose and framing family dispute in legal terms does not allow separating partners to invent or adopt creative solutions. Mediation is a process that has at its core the concept that the process should be one that enables and empowers the separating partners to, with the assistance

of an objective third party (the mediator), identify the issues in the dispute and find their own solutions to their problem. The mediator’s role is that of facilitator and they generally do not suggest outcomes or offer opinions as to the merit unless the mediator has particular expertise in the matter. To find more details of the mediation process, go to the website of the Resolution Institute at www.resolution. institute Before you decide to have your own “War of the Roses”, pause, consider what is important to you, and if your answer is the respectful end of your relationship, check out the alternative dispute resolution processes first. Anne Kinnear is Special Counsel at Carroll & O’Dea Lawyers, Newcastle

A U R O R A C AT H O L I C D I O C E S E O F M A I T L A N D - N E W C A S T L E

Jane Dunn says she’s been touched by people’s courage in seeking to have their marriage annulled. Photo: Peter Stoop.

Divorcees have options JANE DUNN

… to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part. It’s not often that when a bride and groom say their wedding vows, in the presence of friends and family and under God’s watchful eye, that they’re thinking their marriage will end in divorce.

breakdown and now wish to have the Church recognise their new marriage. Some enquiries also come from divorced persons who have no immediate intention of remarriage but still seek clarification of their standing in the Church.

However, many Catholics do have experiences with divorce and remarriage. And yet, many people do not clearly understand divorce and remarriage in the Catholic Church.

There are a number of ways we can assist people depending on the circumstances of their previous marriage. The most common process is a declaration of nullity, frequently referred to as an annulment. The generous spirit of non-Catholics who are prepared to undertake this process for the sake of their Catholic fiancée never fails to move me.

Once a divorce has been finalised, people are free to marry civilly. But it often comes as a shock to many to learn that while they are now “legally” divorced, they are not free to remarry in the Catholic Church if their former spouse is still alive.

You may be wondering why someone would want an annulment? Mostly it is so they can remarry in the Catholic Church, whether that be now or sometime in the future. For others, it can be to bring closure to a painful chapter of their life.

It can come as an even greater shock to be told this law does not just apply to Catholics; it applies to any divorced person, regardless of their faith background. This is because the Church believes all marriages are valid – not just Catholic marriages – until proven otherwise. This can be hard for people to hear and accept.

If an annulment is the answer to their question of “how can you help?”, what is it we might want to know?

The Diocese of Maitland-Newcastle’s Marriage Tribunal is a pastoral ministry reaching out and assisting people who have been divorced and are now seeking to remarry in the Catholic Church. This can also include those people who have remarried civilly after a marriage

First, we have to understand the story of their first marriage. Not just their relationship, but the story of their lives – their family life, and the family life of their former spouse? How did their family life impact on their understanding of marriage and relationships? How did they meet? How did their relationship develop? Were either under any pressure to marry? Did they both hold the same values about marriage? Were they ready to make the commitment? After wending our way through their life

story, we discuss the factors that contributed to their marriage ending and events since then. My 15 years of experience working for the Diocese’s tribunal has provided me with raw insight into the feelings of individuals, once part of a loving couple, coming to terms with their reimaged future. A common attribute to all who contact the tribunal is courage. They find the strength to face the pain and grief associated with the end of their marriage so they can talk about it. To revisit these memories and recount them, takes courage and resilience. Many of us would not see ourselves as courageous. In the past, I commonly thought of courage as a physical quality, but working at the tribunal I have learnt to recognise courage in all its guises and I am full of respect for those who come to see us and say yes to starting a process. In doing so, many have told me it gives them the opportunity to reflect on their lives in a meaningful way, which can be both a learning and healing experience for future relationships. For many, the tribunal process may have challenging and painful moments. However, as well as a legal procedure, it enables them to provide context to the breakdown of their previous relationship, develop greater understanding and a sense of closure. Importantly, an annulment does not declare the spouses never really loved each other,

nor that the divorce was more the fault of one party than the other. The important thing to remember in initiating the process is that our experienced staff care about what has happened to you. Moreover, whether a decree of nullity is issued or not, the decision should bring peace of mind to the parties who have been wondering or questioning whether the Church would regard the marriage in question as binding for life, or not. Jane Dunn is Director of the MaitlandNewcastle Diocese Marriage Tribunal. The Tribunal services the entire Diocese and is open Mondays to Fridays, 9am-5pm. If you would like to have a confidential chat to discuss your situation, you are welcome to call (02) 4979 1370.

How does an annulment differ from a divorce? A divorce is a civil decree by which a marriage that existed has ended and is now dissolved. An annulment, on the other hand, is not a dissolution. It is an official Church tribunal declaration that at the beginning of the marriage, the time of consent, something essential was lacking that prevented a marriage bond as understood by the Church, from coming into existence.

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ALUMNI

The adventure continues BRITTANY GONZALEZ

Michael Yore exudes an infectious energy, which is put to good use as part of his performances with The Beanies. The Beanies are a musical adventure for little ones with big imaginations – encouraging creative thinking by understanding the value of play. With more than 60 original songs The Beanies were nominated for an ARIA for Best Children’s Album in 2019 and signed to ABC Kids. Michael, along with his co-stars Laura and Mim, perform live shows for families across the country, but they are best known for their award-winning podcast series hosted on PodcastOne, which won Australian Podcast of the Year – Kids and Family, in 2018. f Which Catholic schools did you attend? Holy Family Primary School, Merewether, followed by St Pius X High School, Adamstown. I completed my high school years at St Joseph’s College in Hunters Hill. f Why did your parents choose a Catholic education? I have three older sisters, and for most of the time we went to the same school. These schools gave us a great education with a strong sense of community. f What is your fondest memory from your schooling years? Heading to the music practice rooms and making lots of noise with my friends. My closest friends were brought to me because of our shared taste in music and playing together.

MICHAEL YORE

f What has been your greatest or most satisfying career achievement? Oh, there’s a few. The Beanies heading to the ARIAs after we were nominated for Best Kids Album is one. I have also toured the country a few times performing; and being able to perform at the Civic Theatre, Newcastle to sold-out crowds – where I first fell in love with performing – was also a pretty special time for me.

f How did The Beanies come about? I met Mim Beanie performing in schools around Australia. At the time she was beginning The Beanies with Laura and our music wizard James Court. They needed someone uncoordinated with extreme facial expressions to come along for the fun, and I was perfect. f What inspired you to become a children’s entertainer? I love the attitude of telling stories that are for a younger audience. You can be sillier, use magic, and interact in a way you rarely see in theatre for an older audience. Children are also the most honest audience you will ever have. If they don’t like it, they’ll tell you. But, if they like it, they’re the best audience you could ask for because they are with you so completely – they care so much. It’s very rare to find that in a theatre with an older audience. f The simple art of play is important. How do you feel play encourages learning? I don’t think play is simple. It takes a lot of work to be playful. To play with someone else, you have to listen, communicate, and work together to build. You learn from other people through play with what they teach you, or what goes right and wrong. It builds relationships with those that you play with. You don’t stop “playing” when you grow older – or at least you shouldn’t. Play might change when you grow older, but the ability to play is a quality I appreciate highly in someone, and finding someone truly playful is unfortunately pretty rare in adults. Keep playing. f From award-winning music to award-winning podcasts. What is next for The Beanies? World domination, duh. Before that there are a few steps … probably. We hope to perform in theatres more with our musical The Beanies’ Egg-straordinary Day and we also want to eventually have our own TV show.

CARE TALK

A U R O R A C AT H O L I C D I O C E S E O F M A I T L A N D - N E W C A S T L E

Care talk

Separation is for parents, not children ROB KILLELLY

The Rosewood Centre’s registered psychologists address a new issue each month. The advice provided is general in nature and does not replace ongoing support and advice from your health professional. To talk to someone about counselling support, call: The Rosewood Centre P 1800 613 155 or Lifeline 24/7 on P 131 114.

Family structures are more diverse than ever before. The entity we call the “the family unit” can comprise a whole range of people – mum, dad, stepdad, stepmum, foster parents, grandparents – the list is endless.

a loving, open and supportive place wherever and with whomever they are living.

Often, families can find themselves in the situation where the parents are no longer able to stay together, and children are then required to live across multiple houses. This is a difficult time for all involved.

Assure children that both parents still love them, no matter what. You may have fallen out of love with their other parent, but the children still love that person and may not understand why you are separating.

When I see families in my practice it can be for a wide range of reasons. Often it is because the children are distressed, angry, sad, confused or even experiencing grief for how the family used to be.

Give the children a simple, honest account – but not one that blames or point scores against the other parent or gives unnecessary detail. Assure them they do not have to take sides. They love both of you, so attacking or criticising the other parent hurts the children.

Parents can also struggle with many of the same feelings. They may be hurt, sad, and often angry, particularly at each other. This can lead to a breakdown in communication between parents where the child can be used as the messenger who becomes caught between them. I have seen some parents who are so angry or upset with each other that they find it extremely difficult to communicate openly and collaboratively.

Do you have a question for us? Email your question to aurora@mn.catholic.org.au or write to Aurora-CareTalk PO Box 756 Newcastle 2300.

Sometimes children are told they cannot take things from one house to another or there are strict rules at one house and very few rules at the other. Eventually the children may even need to face the situation that one or both parents have a new partner. It is important to see these situations through the children’s eyes and to create

Relationships Australia has provided some useful tips for parents who are separating.

Never use the children as go-betweens. Do not ask your children to deliver messages to the other parent or say negative things about the other parent. This is damaging to the child and reflects badly on you. Children find it difficult to deliver messages and do not want to be drawn into fights. Find a way to communicate politely and respectfully with your former partner and keep them informed about important matters regarding the children such as health, injuries in your care, and education. Be understanding if children play up or are distressed. Children need time and understanding as they adjust. Many children are taken unawares when they hear their parents are separating and need a lot of assurance as they come to terms with the changes in their lives.

Some parents navigate this time in their lives well, continuing to function as a parenting team and working well together. For various reasons, some parents may find this much more difficult. Ensuring the separation is as harmonious as possible may prevent undue stress and adjustment issues for the children. The benefits for children whose parents get along well and still function as a parenting team are numerous. These children benefit from the consistency between the houses and are able to know what to expect and what is expected of them regarding rules, discipline and rewards. When the children are exposed to a predictable and consistent environment across the houses, they build a strong sense of security that can help them adjust more quickly and easily to the new situation. Making this process as amicable as possible for the children can help prevent psychological difficulties from occurring such as anxiety, depression and even ADHD. Being a good example and role model for children to follow may help avoid an already difficult situation being even more so. Many useful resources such as Relationships Australia are available to assist parents going through separation. Making an appointment with a psychologist can also be useful to provide a way to help children and families work through what can be a challenging time.

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ART COMPETITION

COMMUNITY NOTICEBOARD

DIOCESAN SYNOD

The Social Justice 2020-2021 Statement, To Live Life to the Full: Mental health in Australia today, provides the opportunity to better understand mental illness and how as social beings we need the bonds of family, friends and the broader community to celebrate the joys and hopes of life. Artists are invited to create an artwork based on the themes found in the Social Justice Statement. Works can be two or three dimensional no larger than 1 x 1 metres. The artist’s name, title of work, school (if appliable), parish and phone number must be clearly labelled on the back. This information, plus a 150 word (maximum) artist statement, must accompany the work and be emailed through to rose.mcallister@mn.catholic.org.au before 19 June.

SESSION 2 – DISCERNMENT

AUTUMN NEWSLETTER

22 May 2021

Hear the latest news and stories from Caritas Australia’s work overseas and in parishes and schools, in its quarterly newsletter Caritas News.

Synods seek to inspire missionary renewal and unity within the diocesan community. In this way, they contribute to the shaping of the pastoral activities of the particular Church and lend continuity to its own liturgical, spiritual, and canonical traditions. Diocesan synods are important instruments of collaboration and discernment effecting conciliar renewal. The work of the Synod is to: •

assist the Bishop in his office of teaching, sanctifying, and governing the Christian community

•

consult and collaborate with the diocesan community in order to build up the Body of Christ

•

discern the will of the Spirit with the diocesan community, the pastoral activities and direction, for the good of the diocese

•

foster a sense of communion and missionary renewal

Entries close: Friday 19 June. Exhibition date: Saturday 17 July Location: The Veritas Centre (San Clemente High School, Mayfield) Categories: Stage 3, Stage 4, Stage 5, Stage 6, Adult

KEY DATES

The Diocesan Synod (2019-2021), to be held in three sessions, invites the People of God to carefully discern together what the Spirit is saying to the Church of the Diocese of Maitland-Newcastle and to agree on common goals and actions for the coming years.

9 May: Mother’s Day 13 May: Ascension Day 15 May: International Day of Families

The second session of Synod is open to both delegates and observers. The outcome of this Synod session will result in ‘Statements of Intent’ regarding desired outcomes emerging from information/data and documents gathered from the listening and dialogue phases of the Plenary Council, and the first session of our diocesan synod.

22 May: Diocesan Synod 23 May: Pentecost 24 May: Whit Monday 26 May: National Sorry Day

All information for our diocesan synod is available on the synod website: www.domnsynod.com.au

30 May: Trinity Sunday

For more events, please visit mn.catholic.org.au

Public memorial consultation project

Do you support a memorial?

The autumn newsletter for 2021 is available online at: www.caritas.org.au/news/our-magazine/. In this edition: Caritas Australia Timor-Leste and Indonesian Floods Emergency Appeal On 4 April 2021, Tropical Cyclone Seroja struck Timor-Leste and eastern parts of Indonesia, triggering torrential rain and flash flooding. The floods swept away homes and destroyed roads, with parts of the Timor-Leste capital, Dili, now under water. At least 157 people in Timor-Leste and Indonesia have already lost their lives. The death toll is expected to rise, with information still filtering through from the more remote regions of Timor-Leste. Timor-Leste is also facing a COVID-19 crisis, with Dili under lockdown following a rise in locally acquired cases. Indonesia has also struggled to contain the spread of COVID-19, with over 1.5 million confirmed cases – the highest in South East Asia. The flood will heighten the risk of community transmission, with thousands of displaced residents forced to seek shelter together in close quarters inside evacuation centres. Approximately 13,000 people have been affected by the floods and landslides, including more than 10,000 in Timor-Leste. Caritas Australia are calling for donations, so they provide urgent, emergency support to communities in Timor-Leste and Indonesia devastated by the floods. Your donation means our partners on the ground can help provide clean water, food, hygiene kits and shelter to those who need it most. For more information on how you can help, visit: www.caritas.org.au/timor-leste-and-indonesianfloods-emergency-appeal.

Join the discussion

Project delivered by Mara Consulting.

Take the survey

CARITAS AUSTRALIA

Do you support a memorial? What could it look like?

We would like to know your views about a public memorial to acknowledge those impacted by institutional child sexual abuse in the Catholic Diocese of Maitland-Newcastle. This includes victims and survivors, both living and deceased, and their families, friends, and support networks. The project also wants to hear from other interested parties, including members of the faith communities in the Diocese of Maitland-Newcastle and those working for the Diocese.

How to get involved?

02 496 54317

projects@maraconsulting.com.au

Consultation is open between 21 April and 30 June 2021.

bit.ly/MemorialConsultation

Book talk 50 Risks to Take With Your Kids BY DAISY TURNBULL

REVIEWED BY LIZ BAKER This is an easy, practical book. I read it over one afternoon and evening and the conversational tone made it easy to keep turning the pages. I think my five-year-old son – the very reason I was devouring it – put it best when he said: “Gee mummy, you must really be enjoying that book, you haven’t put it down.” This edition of Aurora is themed around families and this book is a useful resource for people with children aged up to 10, or anyone with a relationship with children – grandparents and extended family. Turnbull shares some easy-to-consume theoretical concepts linked to resilience and risk in children and teenagers. Cute illustrations complement the concepts. She goes on to present 50 practical risks, segmented by age groups, which can help our children grow and thrive. She also serves up a few risks for adults and says the use of the words “take with” in the title is intentional. It’s not that the book is a ground-breaking read, but rather an excellent reminder that to learn and develop we all need those risks and resilience-building opportunities.

Food talk Grandma’s date loaf with lemon icing LIZZIE SNEDDEN

A U R O R A C AT H O L I C D I O C E S E O F M A I T L A N D - N E W C A S T L E

There’s something quite nostalgic about family recipes. My Grandmother Watkin was an amazing cook, and some of my fondest childhood memories involve making baked goods together. Grandma would serve up cakes and slices on her finest china, and as we spoke, the grandfather clock could be heard ticking

Turnbull shares three types of risks – social, physical and character. Social is linked to encouraging self-awareness, empathy and kindness, and character risks build resilience, resourcefulness, and responsibility. The simple and practical nature of the tips offer achievable ways to build resilience opportunities into your everyday lives and conversations with kids. Some things as simple as allowing children to be bored, to climbing a tree or falling off a bike, through to having your child order their own meal or drink and even ensuring they experience being bad at something. Turnbull’s involvement with schools, combined with her own parenthood experience, sparked the idea for the book when she was talking with other mum friends and they joked there was a need for a practical guide to encourage measured risks. It’s in those very similar conversations I have with other parents that I will certainly be recommending this book.

along in the background. So, when in 2004, Grandma passed away at the ripe age of 90, I asked my parents if I could keep her handwritten recipe book. In it are an abundance of methods to make tried and tested treats and sweets, including this month’s recipe for Aurora – a date slice with lemon icing.

I still love looking over Grandma’s handwritten recipes and can envisage her dainty hands – dusted with flour and decorated with rings my Grandfather gave her – making amendments to the ingredients list as she went along. I hope you enjoy this recipe as much as my family continue to.

METHOD

INGREDIENTS 1 cup chopped dates

Lemon icing

Pre-heat oven to 170°C.

¾ cups hot water

1 cup icing sugar

Combine dates and hot water – allow water to cool.

125g butter

1 tbsp lemon juice

Cream butter and sugar, then add eggs and beat in gently.

1 cup sugar

½ tsp vanilla extract

Add walnuts, stir to combine.

2 eggs

40g butter

Mix dry ingredients together in a separate bowl.

Add in portions of dry ingredients at a time to the wet mixture, alternating with portions of soaked dates.

1 tbsp cocoa

Mix until all ingredients are combined.

½ tsp bicarb soda

Bake in a 18cm x 20cm slice tin, and cook for 35-40 minutes, until golden.

Allow to cool.

1 ½ cups of plain flour

½ tsp salt ¾ cup chopped walnuts

10. In a separate bowl, cream together icing sugar, lemon juice, vanilla extract and softened butter for icing. 11. Spread icing over slice, once cooled.

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The Rosewood Centre is here to support people in our community to improve their mental health and wellbeing. Our dedicated team of experienced psychologists provide face-to-face and telehealth appointments in eight locations across the Hunter and Mid-Coast regions, including our new office at James Street Hamilton. We welcome people of all ages and stages of life, supporting children and young people, individuals, couples and families.

OUR TEAM SPECIALISE IN: Counselling Clinical assessments Behaviour support Employee Assistance Program (EAP) services Neurofeedback Gambling counselling Family law counselling Family and relationship services

To make an appointment call 1800 613 155 or visit rosewoodcentre.com.au.

3-9 MAY 2021 CATHOLIC SCHOOLS WEEK