The LaSallian Spoof 2021 Issue by DLSU_thelasallian

O M G Y O U A C T U A L LY R E A D T H I S PA R T APRIL 1, 2021

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Volume LVIII Number IV

BENOY

NERDS

ETO, LEGIT

CLOWNERIE

SPORTSANITY

Zodiac signs now the basis for enrollment schedule assignment

Nuked fragments from asteroid OSTD-T30 to wipe out all life on Earth

The real clowns

Guts of a champion, glory of the people

Roque pursues career as DLSU swimming prof

LOOKING TO THE STARS

Illustration by Sarah Chuang

DLSU pol parties required to be nonpartisan in all elections by Jan Emmanuel Alonzo & Warren Chua

Political parties in DLSU will no longer be allowed to identify as political parties in all University Student Government (USG) elections, following a new law approved by the Legislative Assembly (LA) in its latest emergency session today, April 1. The new measure is a “step-up” from previous anti-partisanship rules and “reflects the USG’s highest commitment STUDENTS AND ADMINISTRATORS both agree that Zodiac signs will solve DLSU's enrollment problems—as long as Scorpios go last. to the value of nonpartisanship,” remarked one of its authors.

Zodiac signs now the basis for enrollment schedule assignment Amid perennial complaints of difficult enrollment experiences, DLSU has now left it to the stars to decide one’s enlistment schedule. With the help of the newly established Office of Astrological Admission (OAA) headed by expert astrologer Zenaida Seva, the University has turned to natal charts as a way to determine which students deserve to be given priority. The new enlistment schedules will be based on the Mercury retrograde—a period where the signs are expected to reflect on their energy.

As pre-enlistment for Term 3 of Academic Year 2020-2021 is already underway, the administration aims to utilize the new system by the end of Term 2. The priorities will be based on a student’s Sun sign and all of the other signs in the birth chart will be disregarded. While these changes seem questionable, the University is confident that the new system is already better than what is currently being used. Priority signs “May Tauruses and Sagittariuses be prioritized,” declares the Office of the University Registrar (OUR). After a “thorough evaluation” by the OAA, it was determined that students with a Sun sign of Taurus, particularly those born in May, and Sagittarius, but only those born in December, will receive the greatest priority. “Based on their amiable and compelling nature, we have decided that it is best to give [them] priority,” the new guidelines read. “Our research also ensures that by allowing them to enlist first, the process will be more relaxed and invigorating for the remaining students.” On the other hand, the least priority will be given to those who have the Sun sign of Gemini, Pisces, and Scorpio. After #OustScorpio trended, OUR decided that the negative energy surrounding the sign warranted the office to prioritize them last. Furthermore, after deliberation and collaboration with the administrators of Zodiac Sign Trashtalkan, the official Facebook group for Astrology enthusiasts, OAA was able to identify that along with Scorpios, Geminis and Pisces have also been under the spotlight as the “worst signs’’ by the trends. Given their reputation, OUR concluded that scheduling them for last was “in the best interest” of the University. Additionally, second priority was granted to those with the Sun sign of Capricorn, Virgo, and Cancer, while those with Libra, Aquarius, Aries, and Leo will follow the normal enlistment schedule. “The hardworking nature of

by Julianne Cayco & Helen Saudi

the Capricorns deserve recognition— making them eligible for second priority,” explains OUR. OUR also clarifies that those whose Moon and Rising signs are also Scorpio will have to undergo deliberation for enlistment perks to “determine if they passed the vibe check.” The office explains that those who do not pass this specified testing will immediately be transferred to the least priority.

STARTING THE SECOND WEEK OF APRIL, THE UNIVERSITY WILL REQUIRE ALL STUDENTS TO SUBMIT THEIR BIRTH CHARTS FOR APPROVAL. Starting the second week of April, the University will require all students to submit their birth charts for approval. Once their astrological signs have been verified by the OAA, these will be coded into Animo.sys which will then schedule their enlistment slot for them. New benefits for Dean’s Listers The sudden change in the enlistment system, however, has raised some concerns from current Dean’s Listers. Stormy Seas (II, MEM-MRE), a consistent Dean’s Lister and a Scorpio, is frustrated that her first priority during enlistment season was revoked. “I did not wish to be born a Scorpio,” Seas laments. “I worked hard for that priority and now it won’t even matter.” Regardless of the new system, Seas believes that students “need to be compensated for hard work” regardless of what month they were born in. Meanwhile, Jack Sai (III, BS-MGT), a Leo, pridefully says that he will not accept

such a ruling, and refuses to enroll in the coming term. In response to this, University Chancellor Br. Bernie Oca FSC ensures that the University has plans to reward those who have excelled academically and hopes students would understand that the new enlistment system will be for their own benefit. “Since we will be replacing the qualifications of the enrollment system, we are planning to give cash incentives instead to those who have achieved the rank of First and Second Dean’s List,” he assures. In line with this, the University plans on providing digital certificates for the priority signs to recognize their unique character. With these certificates, priority signs will no longer need to request a Certificate of Good Moral Character. Meanwhile, other signs may need to be screened for one.

...USG officers should never let party ideology affect their “independent” decision making.

Show of support banned Proponents of the measure said that they were alarmed over how incumbent USG officials showed support for fellow party members, especially during elections. “Elected USG officers shouldn’t identify with any political party. It just doesn’t seem right,” remarked BLESS2022 LA Representative Ann Bayast. Under the new rule, during election season, members of political parties will no longer be allowed to show any form of support toward their respective political organizations. Prohibitions include wearing clothing associated with any party or having the party’s official colors; carrying any sort of party paraphernalia; and liking, reacting to, commenting on, sharing, retweeting, quote tweeting, or reblogging candidates’ social media posts. The political parties themselves are also given restrictions. They will not be permitted to use their official colors in any publicity material. While campaigning for their own candidates is allowed, they will also be required to campaign for the opposing party’s bets. Violating these conditions will earn the offending political party or its offending member a warning from the DLSU Commission on Elections. However, incurring three offenses will be grounds for penalties such as ordering a political party member to transfer to the opposing side and putting a political party under the supervision of the Council of Student Organizations. Bayast asserted that the previous anti-partisanship guidelines were “just too lax” and thus defeated their very purpose. “Because of this, we had to

No bias in the stars Vice Chancellor for Academics (VCA) Dr. Robert Roleda is in full support of the new enlistment system, which he hopes will lessen students’ stress over enrollment. He believes that this system will prove to be consistent and that issues like mix-ups in priority would be minimized. “We are expecting an astronomical improvement in the enlistment system,” he says. Furthermore, Roleda is positive that the system will remain bias-free as it will not depend on academic standards. “The University has always had issues with enrollment. By changing the system and focusing on zodiac signs, we can ensure that the enlistment process will not place bias on one’s academic achievement and will also allow other students to be given a chance at experiencing first priority,” explains Roleda. The VCA also clarifies that the new system “does not aim to discriminate students by their zodiac signs.” “Instead, we aim to use this system as a means to lighten the load of enrollment and give chances to underachieving students.” See Pol parties, Page 2

BENOY

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MARCH 32, 2021 Section Editor: Frank Santiago Layout by Maren Marasigan & Hannah Timoteo twitter.com/TheLaSallian instagram.com/TheLaSallian

Graphics by Zoila Caga & Denika Layaoen

Parlade accuses Dela Rosa, Go, other senators of NPA ties In a Senate hearing last March 17, Southern Luzon Command chief Lt. Gen. Antonio Parlade Jr. accused members of the Senate of collaborating and sympathizing with supposed members of the New People’s Army (NPA), presenting “evidence” of what he described as “abnormal activity” he observed among senators.

SENATORS DEFENDED THEMSELVES after state officials mistook their luxury trip as "field combat training." by Michele Gelvoleo & Dustin Albert Sy

Just a week before, the Senate recommended removing Parlade of his duties as spokesperson for the National Task Force to End Local Communist Armed Conflict (NTF-ELCAC), a government panel that has attracted controversy among activists and government critics. His appointment, lawmakers argued, was a violation of Article 16, Section 5 of the 1987 Constitution, which bans active members of the Armed Forces of Philippines from holding civilian positions in the government. “Sigurado kausap nila ang NPA. Why would they recommend my removal if it were not for an ulterior motive?” said Parlade in response to the Senate’s recommendation. (They are surely talking to the NPA.) ‘War plans and troop movements’ During the hearing, Parlade claimed that NTF-ELCAC caught senators Panfilo Lacson, Ronald “Bato” Dela Rosa, Bong Go, Koko Pimentel, and Cynthia Villar taking regular trips to an unspecified location in Bulacan, an area he designated as a “hotspot for communist and rebel activity” to hold meetings with purported NPA members. He presented photographic evidence sent by a “concerned citizen” that showed the lawmakers in question pouring over several sheets of paper that he concluded were “war plans and troop movements.” He also pointed out that they were

Pol parties... From Page 1

strengthen our partisanship limitations even more. We tried to do that last year, but it still wasn’t enough. We need true nonpartisanship,” she added. An ‘independent’ USG “We admit that we’re still trying to figure out what partisanship is. When you’re incumbent and you show support for your co-party members—that’s probably what it means,” commented PASS2018 LA Representative Maru Nungdaw, who was among the sponsors

wearing helmets and bulletproof vests to prepare for “field combat training.” Philippine National Police Chief Gen. Debold Sinas corroborated Parlade’s claims, alleging that some senators have also been found wearing face masks to “obscure their identity” when going to the Senate building. While most senators have refrained from going to the complex due to health concerns, Sinas nevertheless argued that lawmakers such as Dela Rosa and Villar were using the excuse to meet with NPA generals and advisers for “warfare training,” which he alleged has been happening inside the compound for the past two months. “The rights and freedoms offered by the Constitution do not extend to participating in warfare training and sharing state secrets to known enemies of the state,” he added. “They (senators) have gone too far in sympathizing with the NPA.” The accused senators, however, were quick to deflect Parlade’s claims and questioned whether his probes were authorized by the government. Parlade rebutted that the Anti-Terrorism Law enables him and his committee to conduct such operations, and fired back at senators for their questionable loyalty to the President. “You were supposed to destroy the NPA, not join them!” Parlade exclaimed. Dela Rosa attempted to placate Parlade’s outburst, explaining that Villar invited them to a weekly tour in one of her subdivisions to “pick among

the available lots na tatayuan namin ng bagong mansion.” He also clarified they were talking to architects, not NPA members, who were presenting their initial villa designs. “It’s protocol po to wear hard hats and safety vests kasi nasa construction site,” Villar reasoned. She also made it clear that they were having a business meeting, adding that their gathering only has a total of 10 people while not failing to make a snide remark at Sinas’ mañanita, “And at least we know how to count until ten.” (We were at a construction site.) However, Parlade was relentless and called upon Sinas to back his claims. Sinas was about to present his supposed contact to support the spokesperson but just when he was about to say the supposed agent’s name, he was suddenly disconnected due to “internet problems.” The senators took the opportunity to provide additional clarification, with Villar informing Parlade that their physical appearance at the Senate building was necessary due to several pending committee hearings. “If this makes you sleep better at night, maybe we should skip Senate hearings all together like Mr. Pacquiao,” she joked. She also pointed out the spokesperson’s obsession on mindless red-tagging by citing several of Parlade’s controversial social media posts. “Baliw na baliw kayo sa red-tagging,” she added.

(You are too obsessed with red-tagging.) President Rodrigo Duterte, in his midnight address, also criticized Parlade for his “baseless” allegations against the senators, defending Go in particular. “It’s no secret that I’m very close with Sen. Bong Go. So it follows that if you’re red-tagging him, does that mean you are also red-tagging me?” questioned Duterte, who once called the NPA his friends.

of the legislation. “We know that we mostly come from political parties ourselves, but well, we just have to pretend that we don’t. Otherwise, it will endanger our representativeness as USG officers,” he went on. He added that USG officers should never let party ideology affect their “independent” decision-making. While he admitted that there were times when the LA itself was split across the majority and minority floors when voting, he reasoned, “These are okay since voting is technically across floors, not across parties. Never mind that the floors are based on party affiliation.” USG President Maegan Ragudo, meanwhile, who presided over the LA

session in the absence of Chief Legislator Giorgina Escoto when the measure was approved, welcomed the change, saying, “This will finally allow my party—I mean, the USG—to be true to its intended nature of being independent.” She furthered, “An election is the highest exercise of our democracy so we must protect its independence most of all, and what better way to do that than by prohibiting partisanship during the elections.”

that the USG is modeled after the Philippine government. And so, just like the Philippine government where parties don’t actually mean anything but political machinery, we’re also just following that in the USG,” he uttered.

by Shai Concepcion

A NEW RULE PROHIBITS ELECTED OFFICERS from being partisan, even though that should have been the case even before.

UNIVERSITY

‘Might as well red-tag himself ’ The heated exchange soon went viral, with both administration critics and supporters criticizing Parlade for his remarks. A pro-Duterte Facebook page called out Parlade for his “irresponsible behavior toward President Duterte’s allies,” referring to Dela Rosa and Go, and that he “might as well red-tag himself.” Government critics pointed out the irony behind Parlade’s comments and have shared a meme of two Spidermen pointing at each other in confusion, drawing parallels to the government and the NTF-ELCAC. Lacson also remarked how the administration’s repeated redtagging of critics ended with one of their own generals targeting government allies instead. “Parlade is two steps closer to being removed,” one commentor wrote. “Not only has he betrayed the Senate, but he has also betrayed the President. That’s forbidden.”

Anti-anti-partisanship The new rule has pushed Alyansang Tapat sa Lasallista (Tapat) and Santugon sa Tawag ng Panahon (Santugon) to somehow finally agree on something, with both parties expressing strong objections. In a statement published by Santugon, the party denounced what they deem to be “an infringement to our right to campaign,” further avowing that they will be challenging the new law in the Judiciary with a position paper. Meanwhile, Tapat members took to social media, expressing discontent at the new rule. Members posted photos of themselves in pink attire, with their hands clasped in front of their waist, seemingly gathered together in what appears to be the same place. The caption read, “This new rule goes against our fight for a just and fair society! USG is cancelledt.” Nungdaw hits back at the two groups, reminding them of what he said is supposed to be the nature of the student government. “We have to remember

Mixed response The new rules received mixed reactions from students. Fausto Panganiban (II, AB-POM) called it a unique move. “On one hand, it reduces the risk of candidates taking advantage of USG connections. On the other hand, how would candidates highlight their platforms?” he commented. He, however, found that not much would change in terms of politics since incumbent officers are not officially allowed to identify with their parties in the first place. “So what’s the difference?” he stated. Meanwhile, Rudy Manalang (III, BS-MKT) expressed dismay at the new rule. “Medyo mahirap maalala ‘yung mga candidates ‘pag bawal sila gumamit ng party name eh,” he said. “‘Yun lang pagkakaiba nila eh, ‘yung name ng party nila.” (It is hard to remember the candidates if they cannot use their political party affiliations. The only differences between them are the names of their parties.) When asked about the new antipartisanship rule, Carla Manalo (IV, ECE2), showed surprise and confusion. Looking up from her notes, she asked,

Parlade accuses Dela Rosa, Go, other senators of NPA ties

DLSU pol parties required to be nonpartisan in all elections

LOOKING TO THE STARS

Zodiac signs now the basis for enrollment schedule assignment

ETO, LEGIT

APRIL 1, 2021 facebook.com/TheLaSallian

EDITORIAL

The real clowns

A fascist, a misogynist, and a murderer walks into a bar, and the barkeep says, “Tatay Digong! Would you like your usual drink?” While this classic joke format has seen countless variations throughout the decades, it probably still will not get as old and tired as the circus show our government has been putting on for the past year. Come and see the death-defying act of military personnel being injected with an unapproved COVID-19 vaccine! Witness P15 billion vanish into thin air right before your very eyes!

But perhaps the most-awaited part of this circus routine is the endless parade of clowns emerging from a clown car. We ooh as one clown pulls from his mouth a seemingly never-ending colorful string of words “hard GCQ”, “NCR+ bubble”, and “granular lockdown”. We aah as another clown starts throwing red darts at the crowd with inhuman precision. Somewhere onstage, yet another clown is playing with dolomite sand. For the first few minutes, it is mildly entertaining. But as clown after clown crawls out, it quickly becomes grotesque.

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The LaSallian is no stranger to dealing with farce, as it is our yearly tradition to publish a lampoon issue every April. While for the people involved in the publication, it is a break from our usual order of business, the edition spells a daunting task as we try to dismantle, criticize, and mock the events shaping our society. Throughout this practice, the publication has received disapproval from some readers who question the need for such content. But as our current sociopolitical conditions prove, it is necessary that we take the boldly different approach that is our parodic writing in order to provoke critical thought. Comedy, like any other art, has the power to hold a mirror to society and reflect the absurdity, the excess, and the sheer audacity. It renders those who might otherwise seem invincible as mortifyingly human for a brief moment. We believe that satire, when done well, breaches what is taboo through humor, irony, and exaggeration—highlighting the unpleasant reality of the problems it ridicules. The funny thing is that the truth may not be so much stranger than fiction. We indeed have a president that disrespects women, a spokesperson that goes on a vacation with dolphins, and a task force that releases community quarantine guidelines like the next iPhone.

Never Had a Spoof Name, Never Will Jan Emmanuel Alonzo

Mommenage Hang the DJ Pale Blue Dot Editor i want that twink obliterated Sports Editor Blue's Clues Sass Master Kylo Ren Rule 34 Artist who's in paris? Clutch master race insert placeholder text here Linux superior sub arbore Moral support Manager Taka Chicken Inasal Branch Manager if you're reading this, ily Tagahanap ng Speakers Manager Pak Guanine SPS502-A chicks to go UNIVERSITY Chimkun Litol (Asst. Editor), Big Cock, JolliBie, Os Polos Irmáns, too gay for you, Leemon Chicken, You is g, chick-feelya, chickenini VANGUARD babygirl (Asst. Editor), Raymund Medialdea, carl marks, printf allen MENAGERIE Smolzilluh (Asst. Editor), Jean-Jackass Rousseau, Straighter than a jelly ruler, Kween B, MmKay Bye, lisa cuddy's maid, thx ill pass, Nanami, Rita Skeeter, Boba Bébé, Alberta Camus, Peach Mango Pi SPORTS Boy Eurostep (Asst Editor), dad, Sorrymasen, Hetty Hulia, Javaman, Ulam, Messy, Annika Cañiza, Procopio ART & GRAPHICS sugarbabybottompillowprincess (Asst. Editor), Judiel Libot, Hiroshi Aquino, STREAM SPIDER 4/2 & HITORI JANAI 4/21, 0000 1010, Jee's, GoSURF50, Regina Phalange, betty for cadbury bunny 2021, PLDTHOMEFIBRH9XEg, Paolo Panlaqui, Handsome, A Nickname Here, I Guess, Deni. Designs LAYOUT sugarcone, InDysign, Photoshop crasher WEB Papa P, hey alexa play..., Big Nasty PHOTO Satoshi, my laptop has no cam, Mrs. Sean Lew's Wife, Why is my name Whyvan, ViVi from LOOΠΔ, Minari for best picture, ton ton ton pakiton-kiton, sadness everdeen, Gheat Dhat, venti haver, acute sec(c) hooman, Apa Yip Yip, Iñigo Montoya SENIOR CORRESPONDENTS Cara Patalinghog, Andrea Punzalan, Arden Bacallan, Sofia Dimalanta, Shannon Matsuda, Yanna Zhang, Beatrice del Rosario, Erinne Ong, Ramon Castañeda, Gershon De La Cruz, Westin Louie Perez, Alfonso Reyes, Nikki Lacuna, Kyra Choa, Gabriel Cuaresma, Enrico Sebastian Salazar, Eliza Santos, Anakin Loewes Garcia FACULTY ADVISER Yellowbelle Duaqui DIRECTOR OF STUDENT MEDIA Franz Louise Santos STUDENT MEDIA COORDINATOR Jeanne Tan STUDENT MEDIA SECRETARY Ma. Manuela Agdeppa Student Media House, Fifth Floor Br. Connon Hall, De La Salle University, 2401 Taft Avenue, Manila 1004 5244611 loc. 701 info@thelasallian.com All contributions are subject to editing for clarity or space. None of the contents of this publication may be reprinted without the expressed written permission of the Editorial Board.

Beyond the jokes, the memes, and the sound bites, beyond the gross incompetence and the tantrums, lie the danger—a welloiled machine of state oppression that knows exactly what it is doing. The killings we hear every night on the news, the increase of poverty, and the blatant corruption are not coincidences that the state cannot control. They are deliberate actions of a ringmaster leading an orchestrated circus of lies. But we are not falling for that spectacle anymore. As we write stories that lash at these machinations with caustic wit, may the silence between our laughter and discomfort reveal the absurd realities of our time— reminding us that we are obligated to disturb the comfortable.

CRITICAL LENSES

Kasya kaya Ang Papa mong Mama got daddy issues?

Editor ka pa rin? Feather Figure

While comedy presents an opportunity to critique, it more importantly unmasks the truth.

President Bong Go?

EDITORIAL BOARD

Not Managing Well Editor Pan de Sab

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BY JAN EMMANUEL ALONZO HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

NERDS

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*INSERT DATE HERE* Section Editor: Jasper Buan Layout by Jill Aycardo instagram.com/TheLaSallian

Nuked fragments from asteroid OSTD-T30 to wipe out all life on Earth Illustration by Ruaina Moreno

by Jasper Buan & Eiji Sunagawa

Last week, the Planetary Defense Coalition, headed by the United States’ (US) National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA), the European Space Agency, and Russia’s Roscosmos State Corporation for Space Activities, launched the Earth’s entire nuclear arsenal at asteroid OSTD-T30 in an attempt to redirect it off its collision course with Earth. The 23-kilometer-wide asteroid is twice as large as the one that wiped out the dinosaurs 65 million years ago and is also much faster due to its extrasolar origins. In the public eye The existence of asteroid OSTD-T30 was not known to the public until last week when a NASA report was leaked to The New York Times. The resulting exposé revealed that due to an error by an intern in converting from metric to imperial units, only half of the rockets containing all of Earth’s nuclear warheads had enough fuel to reach the asteroid, which was originally projected to strike Florida in two weeks. NASA Administrator Richard Cutter clarified in a press conference yesterday that the remaining 4,891 nuclear warheads that didn’t reach the asteroid “had reached low Earth orbit and will eventually re-enter the atmosphere, causing widespread nuclear devastation in about ten years.” Cutter also assured that the intern was chastised for causing the extinction of humanity.

As fragments from a planet-killer asteroid hurtle towards Earth, tensions flare at home and abroad.

in diameter. The three largest fragments will impact Florida in the US while the next two largest fragments will impact Manila Bay and Davao in the Philippines. The impact sites for the remaining four fragments are still being determined. A new hope: Alien oil Spectrographic analysis of the fragments by American researchers has yielded some hope, however, as they appear to contain oil from ancient, carbon-based extraterrestrial life. Current estimates peg the asteroid’s oil content at one cubic kilometer. This discovery was praised by former US President Donald Trump, who posted on his brand new social media platform, Trumper, that the oil would help the human race recover from extinction. “It would be a beautiful sight to see before you die! Oil raining down from the sky, just what AMERICA NEEDS! THAT is what will make AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!!!” he posted online.

It’s raining asteroids Despite this, the newly-formed World Nuclear Council—composed of the US, the United Kingdom (UK), France, Russia, China, India, Pakistan, North Korea, and Israel—unanimously decided to detonate the remaining 5,323 bombs, ignoring the pleas of several notable astronomers, who have since gone missing. According to the leaked NASA report, Growing global unrest the nuclear detonation split the asteroid into Chaos unfolded in the last session nine fragments, each averaging 11 kilometers of the US Senate, with bickering from

DUTERTE FUNDS RESEARCH FOR LOCAL VAXX ‘KEROCINE’ by Jan Emmanuel Alonzo

Faced with a shortage of COVID-19 vaccines, President Rodrigo Duterte announced today, April 1, that he is alloting funds to develop a locally made jab to be named “Kerocine”. The vaccine’s key ingredient will be kerosene, the common household fuel, which the president said has “natural powers” against the coronavirus. He added that he is already assembling a team of retired army generals to accomplish the task, with minimal assistance from scientists. “Kayang kaya ‘yan nina Heneral. I-mix lang nila ang kerosene at tubig na inubuhan, may vaccine na. Walang masyadong input kailangan mula sa mga scientist na iyan. Puwede na mag-rollout week,” he furthered. (The generals can do that easily. They just have to mix some kerosene with water that has been coughed on, and they will have a vaccine. Not much input from scientists is needed. We can have a rollout in one week.) ‘Revolutionary’ vaccine Currently, all COVID-19 vaccines in use or in development fall under four types. “Whole virus” shots carry a weakened form of the virus or one with a destroyed genetic material in order to activate a response from the body’s immune system. “Protein subunit” jabs, meanwhile, only use a fragment of the protein found in the virus. The “nucleic acid” type, on the other

hand, uses RNA or DNA to cause the body’s cells to create antigens. The “viral vector” ones, finally, use a different and harmless virus to instruct and catalyze the production of antibodies. However, Kerocine will not fall under any of these categories or under other kinds of vaccines, for that matter. Instead of carrying a weakened virus, parts of it, or some genetic material, the shot will solely rely on kerosene as a key ingredient. Explaining the mechanism, Duterte lectured, “Basic lang. Kasi iyang gaas, nasusunog ‘yan. ‘Pag i-inject ‘yan—I think into the nerves—gaya ng snake bite, parang antivenom. So nasusunog din ang loob ng katawan. So the body, magre-respond ‘yan. It will send blood cells na para ring mga bumbero ng katawan at papatayin ang para ma-immune na ang dugo.” (That’s basic. Kerosene burns. When you inject it—I think into the nerves— like for a snake bite, with antivenom. The body’s interior also burns. So the body responds. It will send blood cells that act like the body’s firefighters and kill the virus to make the blood immune.) “This type of vaccine has not been attempted before—ever,” Duterte further proclaimed, “It really is revolutionary.” Ensuring effectiveness Vaccines have to go through a series of stages in the development process to ensure they are effective and safe to use. This begins with exploratory laboratory research and pre-clinical testing, then proceeds to three-phase clinical trials,

armed Republican and Democrat senators regarding the imminent extinction of the human race. Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, who fired three gunshots in the Senate chamber before speaking, expressed his and his colleagues’ concerns with the inevitable economic downturn that the asteroid may cause. Meanwhile, other lawmakers such as Senator Marjorie Taylor Greene have denied the leaked NASA report and downplayed the estimated danger and size of the asteroid claiming that it is a “radical liberal plot by the globalist elite to control the masses.” Democrats, on the other hand, shared similar concerns with the Republicans but did not care to elaborate as they still needed progressive support to win the 2022 Senate election if ever they survived. Across the sea, the European Union (EU) has unveiled its extensive network of bunkers which would house its citizens after the impacts. This action has been met with some criticism from UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson as Brexit had left the UK out of the EU’s bunker plan. Johnson has since pledged to expeditiously

roll back the entirety of Brexit, but the EU has rebuffed his offers. Local affairs Meanwhile, President Rodrigo Duterte spoke to the nation earlier this morning, admitting in an impassioned address that he did not know what to do. “T-------g mga puti kasi, ‘di raw marunong mag-convert yung bata, ayun tuloy, nabasag lang ‘yung bato kasi kulang ‘raw yung bomba. ‘Di kong (sic) alam kung anong magagawa ko,” he lamented. (Those damn Caucasians, the kid didn’t know how to convert units, and because of that, the asteroid shattered since there were not enough bombs. I do not know what I can do anymore.) With news of humanity’s extinction, people all over the world have started rioting, with some even partying despite the COVID-19 pandemic. Student Miguel Pabigat (III, BS-ORG), for one, says his entire family went out to steal alcohol from a local 7-Eleven. “Wooh! Let’s party party mga dudes and dudettes! YOLO, ‘di ba, as they say, you only live once, bruh!” he exclaimed.

by Yvan Martinez

INSTEAD OF WAITING FOR FOREIGN VACCINES, President Duterte has greenlighted "Kerocine", the first Filipino COVID-19 vaccine.

and eventually to regulatory review and approval. But Duterte’s Kerocine is expected to speed through the entire process in record time. For one, because it has already been decided that some mixture of kerosene and contaminated water will be used, the lab research stage is practically done. Researchers will thus be able to immediately proceed to pre-clinical trials, which Duterte will lead with the ceremonial inoculation of his favorite horses. This stage will occur simultaneously with three phases of clinical trials, which will all be conducted with members of the Presidential Security Group as participants. All these are expected to be completed within one week, as part of the government’s “clear and totally existent” vaccination plan, Presidential Spokesperson Harry Roque told the press. Scientists ‘alarmed’ Duterte’s plans, however, were immediately met with strong objections from the scientific community. The Integrated Chemists of the Philippines, which earlier debunked

Duterte’s remarks that kerosene can be used as a disinfectant, stated in a Facebook post, “WTF stop telling people to use kerosene for everything.” Likewise, the head of the National Institute for Legitimately Beneficial Scientific Research, Dr. Dee Pinapakinggan, called the idea “alarming and dangerously unscientific,” stressing that substances like kerosene pose health hazards, such as irritating the respiratory tract and causing vomiting, dizziness, and fainting. “While it is important for the government to fund scientific research, the president should use actual science and actually listen to scientists,” she uttered. Dr. Anthony Liempo, president of the Association of Neglected Epidemiologists, meanwhile, hit Kerocine’s development process, saying it was irresponsible and extremely risky to make a vaccine in such a way. Duterte, however, asserted that he knew what he was talking about. “Napanaginipan ko ‘yan kaya alam kong effective. Ako presidente eh. Matalino ako. I’m a lawyer.” (I dreamt of it so I know it’s effective. I am the president, after all. I am smart.)

1 PAINTING WITH LIGHT by Enrique Manuel

(Dis)comfort food DI 'TO SINAYANG APRIL 1, 2020(1)

Section Editor: Lauren Sason

by Enricko Montoya

by Anton Trivino

by Ana Mapa by Eunice Uy Tan

by Zoila Caga

by John Amadora by Christian Segui

by Earl Arel

by Nelzce Zulueta by Justin To

by Ashley Go

by Nathan Velez

CLOWNERIE

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APRIL 1, 2021 Section Editor: Glenielle Geraldo Nanglihan Layout by Kyla Depante & Sofia Placino twitter.com/TheLaSallian instagram.com/TheLaSallian

Bold, charming, and dangerously appealing, Kuno Makamasa is taking Philippine politics by storm.

KUNO MAKAMASA

Illustration by Sarah Chuang

Guts of a champion, glory of the people

“I am the light at the end of the f-----g tunnel,” he declares with his trademark booming voice, instantly capturing the attention of the room. He is smiling from ear-to-ear, comfortably slouched with the air of a man who has freed himself from pretense. by Andrei Jaluague, Isabelle Yaun Santiago, & Lizelle Villaflor

This is the man who has comfortably amassed a formidable supporter base within the last few months, all thanks to a few viral—and well-timed—Facebook posts. Some may call him a rockstar, others call him the messiah, but in his own words, he is “whoever you want me to be.” With his widespread appeal and no-holds-barred attitude, 55-year-old hotshot politician Kuno Makamasa has vowed to expose “how phony politicians really are.” Starting out as a beloved mayor of Sabaw City, his recent rise to national fame has revived the public’s trust in the government. “‘Run Kuno Run’ daw sabi ng mga supporters ko. Pinapakita nila na ayaw na nila sa mga trapo. Gusto na nila ng pagbabago. Ako daw ang pagbabago. Who am I not to give the people what they want, ‘no?” he asserts. (My supporters encouraging me to run for the next presidential elections shows their rejection of the traditional politician. They want change. I am that change.) Tapang at pasakit “Lumaki akong saksi sa paghihirap ng aking mga kababayan,” Makamasa recounts. “Kita ko ay ‘yung mga p----g i---g drug pusher na nagpapahirap sa aking mga kababayan. Kung pwede lang, ipapatay ko mga g----g ‘yan.” (I bore witness to the hardships of our fellow countrymen growing up, because of the drug pushers ruining people’s lives. I would kill those bastards if I could.) His upbringing under the tutelage of his father, former mayor Dinaman Makamasa, has taught him to be an advocate for the poor. Helping in literal do-or-die government programs that PROJECT BISYON

Inside DLSU’s virtual reality campus

enforce strict curfews and punishments, resonated so much with me, as if the Lord a young Kuno would see a vision of the whispered that I should also act like Philippines that he felt was beautiful. Batman to my constituents.) With his Dark Knight-inspired leadership and mission to end criminality, he boasts of how he transformed Sabaw City from a once-lawless place into a model of peace and development. But at what cost? “Tumaas ‘yung death rate,” he jokingly says. (The death rate rose.) AFTER TRANSFORMING With his plans to pursue a position in the national government, Makamasa SABAW CITY INTO recognizes a bigger threat to the peace AN UNIMAGINABLE and order he ultimately aspires for—the PLACE OF SAFETY AND oligarchy. Outraged by the oligarchy’s DISCIPLINE, EVERYONE role in preserving the oppressive status quo, he clamors, “I will f-----g dismantle IS CONVINCED THAT the whole f-----g oligarchy.” MAKAMASA IS THE When questioned further about his RISING CHAMPION OF friendship with noted elite scions like Kemelang Vee and Iscam Ng-Taon, THE PEOPLE. Makamasa breezily dismisses it with a wave of his hand, saying, “A group of musical geniuses, the Spice Girls, once said, ‘If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.’” He vows to strengthen our armed military forces, who are the embodiment of his “tapang at pasakit” agenda, and to In his 22 years of public service, rid the country of those who threaten its Makamasa has established himself as a peace. “I will kill everyone who’s a threat leader dedicated to the eradication of for the sake of my country,” he passionately crime. As an icon of hope and courage to proclaims, “I will be their worst nightmare, the people, he reveals that he is heavily dressed like a daydream.” inspired by Batman, confessing that (Courage and torment.) he dreams of protecting the city as a caped crusader too. “Kinilabot ako nung Fanbase, fun-based una kong narinig ‘yung quote na ‘bahala After transforming Sabaw City into na si Batman’. Sobrang nag-resonate an unimaginable place of safety and siya sa akin, parang binulong ni Lord na discipline, everyone is convinced that umasta rin dapat akong Batman sa mga Makamasa is the rising champion of constituents ko,” he shares, “I am not the the people. It then comes as no surprise hero [the] Philippines deserves, but I am that he has garnered the admiration of the hero it needs.” many Filipinos. (I had goosebumps when I first heard the quote ‘leave it to Batman’. It See Makamasa, Page 3

KISS WITH A BLOODIED FIST

Dating a DDS

PURRFECT SECRETS

The alarming truth behind DLSU’s cats

PROMISING YOUNG WOMEN

Three Filipinas to look up to

2 CLOWNERIE KISS WITH A BLOODIED FIST

Dating a DDS Nina turned left, passing through the big gates of the subdivision as Cam Pleighner waved the guards away. So this is where he lived. As far as the whole “meeting the parents” thing goes, she never really worried too much about it. Been there, done that about a dozen times over. After she canceled her last boyfriend for being such an unabashed fan of J.K. Rowling and Quentin Tarantino, she felt just about ready for anything. Besides, things felt different with Cam. He was charming enough and funny— unintentionally or otherwise—and was up-to-date with the latest news, even if it wasn’t always true. Sure, they had their own points of contention, but then again, doesn’t every couple? “By the way, babe,” he continues, “I know how much you love politics but you do not want to start talking about it over dinner. Mom and dad, they can be, medyo...you’ll see. Anyway, even I find politics to be so, like, magulo.” (Even I find politics to be so complicated.) Wait, that line. It all began to make sense now—that time he refused to register since “voting is pointless any way,” or that other time he said Filipinos should just “shut up and follow the law.” The dreaded thought threatens to form: Oh, goodness, am I dating a DD— “So we’re here!” he says. “Ako na, let me park. Dad would kill me if he saw I let a girl drive his Audi.” Hand in unlovable hand When she enters their mansion, Nina finally understands why Cam likes bragging about how his hardworking parents built a multi-million dollar business out of scratch. But if only she could remember their company’s name. Was it called Nutri-eh-siya? Something like that. “So this is Nina! We’ve heard only good things about you,” Mans Pleighner, Cam’s dad, greets her. And Mrs. Eks Pleighner, whom Nina still isn’t allowed to call “Tita” yet, just had to say, “Except that you’re not voting for the same candidates as I am. Why, hija? ‘Run, Sara, Run’ is a good campaign! You’re a feminist, ‘di ba?” Are his parents serious? Nina answers, “Um, I was thinking of voting for Leni Robredo if ever po.” Cam’s parents suddenly freeze, the plates and utensils clanging until they erupt into boisterous laughter. “Anak,” Mrs. Pleighner turns to her son in between giggles, “you really picked an amazing girl! She’s so funny!

by Zachary Dimayuga, Jamie Sanchez, & Lance Spencer Yu

That’s fine! If we’re being technical anyway, he was a good president economically. If not for the whole ‘killing people’ thing.” Nina gasps. “Sophie, I’m a feminist! I have my principles. How can I just ignore it?” “So?” Sophie prods further. “Just avoid bringing up politics. It’s that simple.” “Every couple disagrees on some things.” Jessica admits, “Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree.” “Sweetie, you have to ask yourself, ‘What would Amy Dunne do?’ Would she back away from this challenge? Hell no!” Sophie exclaims. “You’re a strong, independent woman. You can fix him.”

Good joke hija, we almost thought you’re a dilawan!” Just when Nina thought she’d reach her limit, Cam’s lolo nods in agreement. “Kids these days are so sensitive. Back in my day, we see government incompetence and we take it like a man. Ngayon kaunting rape joke lang nagmamartsa na sa Mendiola,” he rants. (Now, a little rape joke and they’re marching in Mendiola.) Cam’s lola wags her finger, saying, “Listen to us well, hija, don’t believe everything you see on the internet! By the way, remind me to give you some essential Not for better, just for worse oils before you leave. Mas effective pa Nina knew exactly what to do. She hangs ‘yun sa vaccine.” up the phone, steps out of the bathroom, (It’s more effective than a vaccine.) and quietly joins Cam’s family at the dinner table. Through all the misogynistic Love the way you lie jokes, the gay marriage debates, and the After 20 more minutes of lines like grandfather’s quips about her skirt, Nina “Hija, All Lives Matter!” and her boyfriend smiled like an angel and stuffed her mouth proclaiming that “Scarlett Johansson with lumpia. is the model of diversity,” Nina excuses That night, in the BGC apartment herself to go to the bathroom. she shares with Cam, Nina recalls his She frantically dials her best friends. stories about his parents and how their “Jessica, Sophie, I can’t believe I’m even love is loudest during the silence— saying this out loud—oh God, I can’t turning off the radio if extrajudicial even say it—I’m dating a—my boyfriend killings are reported, doing under-theis a DDS!” she blurts out. table deals with politicians, and bribing There was a pregnant pause. “Nina, traffic enforcers to exempt them from get out of there right now,” Jessica calmly road regulations. says, “Do you know what they’ll do to Virginia Woolf was right—their hatred you on Twitter if they find out you’re was indistinguishable from love. Yes, he dating a DDS?” may have more red flags than a bucket of “It’s not just him. His whole family is a spicy Jollibee fried chicken. He may be bunch of racist, Duterte-supporting, anti- short-tempered, messy, and clueless on vaxxer lunatics!” Nina cries out. how to do laundry. But who else would “I knew there was something shady push her to the best she could be and about Cam the moment you told me challenge her to be the ideal woman? Who he’s an Aries sun and Scorpio moon. I else would make her watch Joker a dozen told you astrology doesn’t lie!” Jessica times? At the end of the day, politics is points out. just foreplay. “Nina, I’m gonna tell you this as a This must be how love survives, she tells 30-something woman who’s been single herself, and buries her doubts along with for close to a decade now,” Sophie says. her disappointments in the government. “Do you know how hard it is to find a With her best smile, she turns to the mass decent man? Do you know how lucky of blankets beginning to stir beside her. “I you are to have Cam? So maybe he thinks love you, you stupid bigot,” she whispers Marcos was actually a good president. weakly, just the way he likes it. Graphics by Nelcze Zulueta

When it comes to relationships between two people with polarizing political stances, how blind can love really be?

FLASHES OF BRILLIANCE

There in the distance, something I see—a sign from the heavens, telling me “FreSha-Va-Ca-Do.”

She was a poem with metaphors so bizarre they resemble memes—but he was Jared, 19.

If I write it dramatically enough...maybe... just maybe...I’ll be a bestselling author.

By Monica Espiritu

By Criscela Racelis

By Marypaul Jostol

3 CLOWNERIE Project BISYON is a virtual simulation propelled by the students’ yearning for University life.

PROJECT BISYON

Inside DLSU’s virtual reality campus Online classes have taken a toll on students’ motivation, drastically magnifying the ever-growing obstacles they face amid the COVID-19 pandemic. Since March last year, Lasallian administrators have made it their top priority to find an effective way to counteract the strain brought by the current situation. by Albert Bofill & Matthew Gan

Graphics by John Amadora

After countless fruitless attempts, the complete Lasallian experience is the administrators were starting to rendered in painstaking detail. lose motivation themselves. From Toward attributes this phenomenal feat the nationwide Rent-a-Cat initiative to the challenge of recreating the campus where University cats could be rented and delivered straight to the student’s doorstep, to the Enlistwiz movement that aimed to produce smartphones solely for enlistment, nothing seemed to stick. In a rare moment of clarity, aspiring project head Alyx Freeman from the College of Computer Studies (CCS), held an emergency Zoom meeting in the dead of the night on December 18, ardently claiming to have stumbled upon her best idea yet. With eyes twitching as frequently as her video feed lagged, Freeman pitched to the dazed and half-asleep administrators Project BISYON or the Banner Initiative to Simulate, Yield Opportunity, and Nostalgize—DLSU’s virtual reality (VR) solution to make the campus accessible online for Lasallians across the country.

DLSU. So of course, we had to add these quirky little things to really bring out the personality of the place,” Toward says with excitement.

Kinna Gatako (I, BS-BIO), one of the testers, recounts that while passing by the virtual Miguel benches she was approached by a virtual cat, who quickly flew toward her in a straight line. “Bigla nalang may pusang nag-T pose papunta sa’kin, tapos naging black yung buong screen. Natatakot na me ‘pag mayroon akong nakikitang cat,” she remarks. (A cat appeared out of nowhere and began darting toward my direction in an odd fashion, then suddenly the whole screen blacked out. Cats scare me now.) Such bugs, however, are eclipsed by the virtual reality’s unprecedented precision—perfectly emulating even professors and other personnel down to the most insignificant of details like the number of their toes or their uniform’s thread count. Sal Ouleetin (IV, BS CS-ST), a term away from graduation, expressed his concern about missing out on the terrorprofessor experience. After a week of attending classes through Project BISYON, with a failing thesis on hand and another term under his belt, Ouleetin’s bittersweet reply is a testament to the VR’s fidelity to the Lasallian experience. “I was worried I wouldn’t get to experience the real CCS college life, but thanks to Project BISYON, wala na, vanish na.” A green Black Mirror (Those worries are now gone.) With great confidence, the project The success of the project’s early stages team conducted a test run last March 12 which drew mixed reactions from students and faculty volunteers. See Virtual reality, sa baba

With eyes twitching as frequently as her video feed lagged, Freeman pitched to the dazed and half-asleep administrators Project BISYON or the Banner Initiative to Simulate, Yield Opportunity, and Nostalgize—DLSU’s virtual reality (VR) solution to make the campus accessible online for Lasallians across the country.

A phenomenal paradise “It’s every graduating student’s dying wish and every frosh’s wonder of joy. It just works out for everyone,” says project designer Hodd Toward, who was inspired by the yearning of the Lasallian community to return to their beloved campus. No expense was spared in order to recreate the entirety of the University in stunning, immersive VR. From the colorful stalls of Agno to the musty restrooms of Henry Sy Sr. Hall,

Makamasa... From Page 1

“You see, he is like a father to me. Yes, he can be too harsh and unreasonable at times, but his intentions come from a place of concern. Honestly, I do not mind whatever negative trait he has,” says Aylab Dutduts, one of the founding members of Makamasa Major Supporters, more popularly known as MMS. Behind Makamasa is an unswerving network of support that stands beside him like he is an extension of themselves. Unlike any other politicians from the past who mouthed unfulfilled promises, MMS members believe that Makamasa is a man of action—he acts even before he thinks. “I always watch his speeches before I sleep. He’s the perfect package— dad, president, comedian. He makes politics fun!” Aylab comments. Makamasa confidently asserts that being unfiltered is one of his star qualities. “I would like to describe myself as this unedited image. What you see is what you get. Not everyone can find that appealing. But, you know, women love this.”

in VR while bringing all of its flaws and imperfections to life. “Without NPC frosh blocking the hallway or the elevators randomly breaki—I mean, functioning in a fun way, it wouldn’t feel like you’re in Simply the best As a true man of the people, Makamasa wants to inspire young people to stand up for what they believe in. “I see the rallies of young people bearing my name on placards. See? They like me. They like what I bring to the table.” In the past few months, Makamasa has been photographed in a flurry of fundraisers, openings, and hospital visits. He seems to be all too eager to give speeches at these events. “Let’s get rid of corrupt officials! Let’s get rid of drug pushers! Let’s get rid of poverty!” he proclaims once he gets his hand on the microphone. When asked to be more specific about his plan, he simply says, “We kill them.” He always makes sure to get to know the people after the events—shaking hands, taking pictures, kissing babies. Seeing him in his element, it really isn’t a mystery why people gravitate toward him. Once he is tucked away in his Range Rover and squirting Purell into his hands, he points out, “See that magic? I’m not like the other boys.” As the presidential elections draw closer, Makamasa is looking more and more like the heir apparent. To this he says, “Well, I am inevitable.”

Virtual reality... From diyan lang sa taas

has garnered the attention of the rest of the student body, catapulting the demand for the VR headset to unprecedented and unsustainable heights. Faculty members who were initially against the project have begun to petition for their classes the following terms to be solely done via VR. As Freeman enthusiastically explains, “Every detail, every pixel, counts when trying to emulate reality. Kasama na diyan kung ilang buhok na lang ang natitira sa anit nila.” (That includes the remaining hair on their scalps.) Looking beyond the vision Currently, the Project BISYON team is looking to further improve the service and fix the present bugs on top of adding more features to round out the whole VR experience. “Who knows, you might see your favorite virtual YouTuber drinking from the CADS water fountain, or maaamoy n’yo na PE classes n’yo,’’ Toward teases, hinting at the team’s future development of the AnimoAmoy olfactory receptor

module. Freeman elaborates that while the team can be credited for Project BISYON’s execution, it is foremost the community’s fervent cooperation that made the service so immersive and authentic. “Gawang blood, sweat, and tears ‘to ng buong community. Kung sa in-text citation, ‘Freeman et al.’, ‘di lang ‘Freeman’,” she says. (You can finally smell your PE classes.) (It’s made out of the blood, sweat, and tears of the whole community. If there was an in-text citation, it would be “Freeman et al.”, not just “Freeman”.) In its infancy, the inception of Project BISYON is a monumental first for DLSU, seeking to become a pioneer for advancements in VR technology alongside its budding endeavors in video game development. Aspiring to go beyond just the virtual campus experience, the project’s team believes the technology can unlock other uses in cases that require immersive VR simulations, such as training simulators, cultural exhibits, and even as a genre of film. Freeman says she is excited to see what kind of possibilities VR can bring not only to research endeavors within the University but also to its possibilities across different fields and industries. She exclaims, “Truly, the future begins here!”

4 CLOWNERIE

PURRFECT SECRETS

The alarming truth behind DLSU’s cats Behind the cute and seeminglyinnocent faces of our DLSU cats lies something nefarious.

by Ryla Monica Espiritu & Angelo Emmanuel Fernandez Illustration by Jihan Marie Ferrer

The hallowed halls of De La Salle University’s Manila campus have long been graced by what are arguably the Lasallian community’s most adorable members— cats. Throughout the years, the presence of these felines have become a source of comfort and companionship to the students and faculty members of the University, with many others hailing the school and its various organizations for their efforts to uphold the rights and dignities of these beloved little friends. But all is not what it seems, as the world would soon discover. There have long been rumors about the true nature and intentions of the University’s furry residents. From recent developments such as the mysterious disappearances of campus personnel who were working as part of the school’s skeletal staff to the more scandalous origins of the cat bodies utilized in lab classes for dissection, these perplexities have sparked speculation that our feline pals may be up to no good. A recent discovery, however, would prove to be the final nail in the coffin, as the purrfectly devious secret of the DLSU campus cats has finally been revealed—a plot for a complete campus takeover. Sin-hiss-ter revelations This alarming turn of events all began when Catarina Anekoma (II, BS-RAT) snuck into the campus late at night, hoping to find the truth behind rumors that the University’s cats were plotting the students’ demise. “I was walking along the fourth floor in St. Miguel Hall when I decided to catch my breath in this open classroom, and...I found this book on Professor Mooncake’s desk,” she paused, drawing a shaky breath. She goes on to detail how she was suddenly attacked by a group of cats, led by none other than Professor Mooncake. “My life flashed before my eyes. I was terrified,” she gasps, glancing every so often at the open doorway, almost as if she were awaiting the pounce of a malevolent calico. Catarina barely escaped with her life and this mysterious book—a manifesto of sorts detailing the cats’ plans of taking over the University and establishing it as a place of worship for Archer, whom they regard as the “Supreme One.” It also contained blueprints to transform the campus into a more cat-centric environment. “It truly is bizarre—there was an entire section of plans to convert the pillars of the Henry Sy Sr Hall into giant scratching posts,” Catarina recalls in fear. But the transformations don’t stop there. Included in the manifesto were plans to replace the Green Archer statue with that of Archer the cat, as well as a map that contained planned locations of litter boxes and kibble dispensers, both of which numbered in the hundreds.

These rituals include nightly strolls around the campus until the moon is at its peak, meowing ever so loudly up to the heavens to their archery cat goddess, Palaso, and burning fish bones in front of the cat statue.

“All this time, we were living with barrage of curses and insults when a cult in our midst,” shares Andrei authorities presented her with a warrant. Garfield (III, BS-CAT), shaking his head in disbelief. Underlying purrgeries Through Catarina’s discovery, all Cult hiss-tory the cats’ devices and plans have been To the shock of the populace, it exposed in a University article published was found that the recently uncovered by The LaSallian, which revealed cat cult is not only composed of our that the infamous missing P200,000 apparent feline archenemies but was actually funneled into the cat cult of human loyalists as well. These years ago. turncoats are students, faculty, and A follow-up interview was conducted other administrative staff swayed with the organization’s leader, the now toward the cat cause, secretly funneling cult-enthusiast Arthur Pusana (V, BEEDfunds into the cult and participating in ECED). Rumors circulating before have the elaborate cover up. Notable feline now been addressed, and it is clear that members included the likes of Professor Profesor Mooncake along with her allies Mooncake and Pancake, who, through have been up to no good. The organization their rituals and sacrifices, await the day has thus been disbanded and members where they can exact their revenge. have been suspended and arrested. These rituals include nightly strolls The University has decided to around the campus until the moon is at implement strict measures, banning its peak, meowing ever so loudly up to all cats from entering the campus the heavens to their archery cat goddess, and searching bags to ensure that all Palaso, and burning fish bones in front Cathropology course materials and of the cat statue. paraphernalia are confiscated and One of the most shocking discoveries destroyed. The University also advised is undoubtedly the details regarding students against interacting with cats, Professor Mooncake’s involvement for the time being, be it on or off campus. in the cult. DLSU’s esteemed feline professor is now under investigation and Cat-astrophe? has been put on a floating status pending Perhaps the most disturbing the results of the investigation. Her information unearthed from this book of Cathropology courses were apparently secrets is the extent of the conspiracy. The meant to indoctrinate the students to cats, ever ambitious, were not just content the cult through lavish dinner parties with controlling the campus—they where guests wear cat costumes and wanted the world. There were detailed perform an initiation rite with collars papers outlining the steps to placing a cat and milk saucers. president in Malacañang through viral “Meow, meow meow meow. Hiss meow marketing campaigns and troll farms as meow meow! Meow meow hiss!” well as security protocols in the event of a Professor Mooncake exclaims angrily canine rebellion. in an interview with The LaSallian But maybe what really scares us is that after being caged by one of the we missed what was right under our noses. security guards. We had underestimated our beloved furry (Our plans have failed because of you friends with their cute button noses and meddling teenagers. But this won’t be the wide eyes, and we almost paid the the last time you’ll see us! We will rise up ultimate price. Even now, many of the cat and take over this university if it’s the last cultists are still at large and much of their thing we’ll do!) plans remain unknown. The professor’s translation device— Still under questioning, Professor which previously converted all of her Mooncake refuses to divulge any relevant purrs and meows into comprehensible information. She spends her days human speech—had been removed in silence, sharpening her claws and prior to her arrest, after the feline occasionally uttering, “Meow meow meow hiss.” professor launched into an endless (This is only the beginning.)

5 CLOWNERIE The true mark of a girlboss is the strong will to not let anything—or anyone—get in the way of what they want.

PROMISING YOUNG WOMEN

by Bea Cruz, Marypaul Jostol, & Glenielle Geraldo Nanglihan

PROMISING YOUNG WOMEN

Three Filipinas to look up to Gone are the days when women are seen but not heard. In recent years, we’ve seen the rise of empowered and confident women who took the world by storm—Elizabeth Holmes, Sophia Amoruso, and Hillary Clinton. Sure, they may be mired in a little controversy (What is a fraud if not a genius persevering? And does anyone here understand what fracking is, really?), but to survive in this dog-eat-dog world, sometimes you have to be a #girlboss. With more and more women grabbing life by the balls, the future is certainly female. And leading the way are three trailblazers who are redefining what it means to be a modern woman. Bold and unapologetic, these women are not afraid to get down and dirty on their way to shatter the glass ceiling. Yas, kween The sound of her six-inch stilettos on her marble floors was almost enough to drown out the deafening crowd outside her office. All things considered, Daphne Kylle Villabella—“please, call me DK”— is unfazed. She glides across the room, pointing at the portrait shots and magazine covers plastered all over her pink walls. “I believe pink is revolutionary and we wanted our office to really scream how feminist we are while still making it very ‘me,’” she tells us. First entering the market in 2014 with groundbreaking kiss-proof organic lipsticks, DK Cosmetics has grown into a formidable cosmetics empire. Villabella’s latest milestone is landing the coveted front cover of the Barbs 30 Under 30 issue. Barely containing her excitement, she brandishes the glossy magazine, saying, “When Neil Armstrong walked on the moon, he was walking for all of us. When I posed for this cover, I was posing for all women.” Of course, these sentiments are also translated to concrete company policies. Aside from the pink walls, there are also chandeliers, a state-of-the-art kitchen, and gender-neutral bathrooms. DK also discloses that all her top executives are women. “It’s very important for me that I walk the talk. I want to amplify female voices,” she says while snapping her window blinds shut to further conceal the raucous crowd holding up picket signs outside. Despite her best efforts, the crowd’s chants “End endo!” and “Kontraktwal gawing regular!” reached her airconditioned office. The brand is currently under hot water for labor exploitation and sexual harassment claims. Visibly agitated, Villabella moans. “I am a selfmade multi-millionaire who started from nothing,” laments the daughter of Villabella Land Inc. owner Ronualdo Villabella, Sr., “When they see a strong independent Filipina running her own company, they just wanna tear her down.” (Regularize contractual employees!)

by Bea Cruz, Marypaul Jostol, & Glenielle Geraldo Nanglihan Graphics by Eunice Uy Tan

teamed up with the Lannisters to defeat the White Walkers,” she reasons, “There is unity in diversity. A house divided cannot stand.” Apparently, unity entails voting “yes” to the death penalty and the AntiTerrorism Act. To this, Pandan says, “At the end of the day, it’s all worth it when gay people get the equality they deserve.” Assuming, of course, that they’re not activists, journalists, or people in poverty.

You go, girl But of course, our powerful women aren’t just slaying in the private sector, they’re also breaking glass ceilings in public service. At the top of the list is Rep. Josephine Pandan, who made waves when she came out as a lesbian during a guesting stint in Tonight with Boy Abunda. Nasty gal Nothing embodies unity like women empowerment, which TikTok influencer Flor de Clought is all about. The platform has not only given her the opportunity to connect with fellow aspiring girlbosses, it has also built her brand as a health advocate. From Healthy Options products she swears by to the tea tree oil that keeps her face fresh, she insists that splurging is a girl’s form of self-love. “Before you empower other women, empower yourself. And that starts when you learn that you are your biggest investment,” she says. De Clought has a similar approach “BEFORE YOU EMPOWER to her newly launched fashion line, Bourgeois Fabrics. Featuring curated OTHER WOMEN, and thrifted vintage pieces, she is EMPOWER YOURSELF. championing sustainability one 800AND THAT STARTS peso shirt at a time. Although her prices were met with considerable backlash, WHEN YOU LEARN she stays unbothered like a true girlboss. THAT YOU ARE YOUR “Paris Hilton taught me a valuable BIGGEST INVESTMENT.” lesson and that is to stop being poor,” she reasons. Like most Filipinos, the pandemic has been hard for de Clought. When things get tough, she finds herself seeking escape from reality in Balesin, Boracay, and El Nido. “I get tested as many times as needed and only get together with fifteen friends maximum. Pinky swear,” she says with a wink. In fact, the influencer struggles to understand why people just can’t follow the lockdown measures and rules. Rolling her eyes, she deadpans, “I believe in spreading positive vibes out into the world. We just need to support the government while Vowing to make strides in LGBTQ+ they do their job. What we don’t need is issues in Congress, she has authored bills unnecessary noise from whiny people.” such as the On Wednesdays We Wear Pink bill, which aims to make October The future is female 3rd a pink-shirt-only day to raise The modern woman is unafraid to make awareness about discrimination against a mark, because for so long, she has never queer Filipinos, and the Beki Bill, which been given a chance. Such a mark may institutionalizes gay lingo as a subject in constitute the exploitation of workers or the basic education curriculum. “I really complicity to the present administration’s feel like change is coming, you know?” antics, but hey, that’s all water under she beams. the bridge when you take in the bigger Determined to see her advocacies picture—women are getting s--t done. come to fruition, Pandan has found Finally, the young girls of today can have herself having to compromise. wonder women to look up to—women Earlier this year she joined the current who are leading the fight for equality and ruling political party KSP-Yaman to women who will roar. After all, with a little garner support for her bills—a move that generational wealth, a closet of designer raised more than a few eyebrows. “It’s power suits, and a sprinkle of privilege, like in Game of Thrones when the Starks you too, can be just like her!

RATTOWN

JULY 6, 1969 Section Editor: Jihan Marie Ferrer facebook.com/TheLaSallian

instagram.com/TheLaSallian

coco

Bratatataaa

Addie Holgado

twitter.com/TheLaSallian

by Addie Holgado

matchaddie

Handsome

Murophobia

by Carl Soriano

its_enzylogy

liansart

Rat and roll

by Eliana Fabia

lians.art

A New Kpop Group in the Scene

FUEL

Cheese Hunt

kohty

by Kathleen Marasigan

A&G

Bubble

Lily

by Ruaina Moreno

RATTOWN Ratz Doll Challenge

JULY 6, 1969 Section Editor: Jihan Marie Ferrer facebook.com/TheLaSallian

twitter.com/TheLaSallian

instagram.com/TheLaSallian

nini

by Denika Layoen

denikalayaoen

What is a mouse

Rat-Ion-Ally

Dusty Goron

by Nicole Esquivel

tovie

by Kyana Ayahao

tovieko

decibanana

Too Much

DeciBanana

Ratshake

Oops

lxxmonart

by Pat Soriano

decibanana

tingsi

by Sarah Chuang

remy rat

by Alyssa Surla

SPORTSANITY

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APRIL 1, 2021 Section Editor: Diego Vergel de Dios Layout by Jacob Dy & Maxine Lee twitter.com/TheLaSallian instagram.com/TheLaSallian

Harry Roque discovers a newfound passion and pursues his dream of being a swimming coach and professor.

Illustration by Eliana Fabia

UNFORESEEN TALENT

Roque pursues career as DLSU swimming prof Presidential Spokesperson Harry Roque will pursue his newfound passion of teaching swimming in DLSU starting in the third term of this academic year. by Tana Melgar & Diego Vergel de Dios

Roque says he was inspired by his visit last year to the Ocean Adventure Park in Subic Bay, where he swam and interacted with dolphins firsthand, even posing to take pictures with them. Being a former law professor in the University of the Philippines (UP), he admits that he misses teaching, as it constituted a big part of his life, shaping him into the person he is today. However, Roque was reluctant to reapply in the UP College of Law after his stint of twisting narratives for President Rodrigo Duterte, thinking they might not want him back. Hence, Roque tried DLSU—where he was offered a job as a swimming professor. And given his competent experience in Subic, he was more than willing to take the position to further enhance his career. Unexpected passion Amid controversy, Roque maintains that the visit to the marine park was not for leisure, saying he is an “authorized person outside of residence,” as he originally went to Bataan to monitor his family’s swine business. Though he was under fire for allegedly not conforming to quarantine measures, he believes he did not violate any health protocols and argues, “Hindi po ako nag-party, ang kasama ko po ay apat na dolphins, hindi tao.” (I did not attend a party, I was with four dolphins, not people.) “I asked if Ocean Adventure Park was open. I said, ‘Why not?’ So it was merely a side trip, I just wanted to check out the famous dolphin activity. I never knew it would influence me this much,” he recounts. Roque admits that swimming is not an easy sport, as it requires the entire body to move simultaneously through the water. It took him a while to master, but he persevered and is now ecstatic UNFORESEEN TALENT

Roque pursues career as DLSU swimming prof

to showcase his mastery and skill to his future Lasallian students. He points out that swimming is a “non-contact” sport, justifying that it is very timely to teach during the pandemic. His supposed “one-hour-long stay” at the marine park sparked his interest in the sport. An incident that started off as a side trip ended up leading him to find a new career in his life. Clearly, giving the dolphins head pats while wading around in the water was truly an unforgettable and life-changing experience for him, “Who would have thought that spending time with them and feeling the water would inspire me to teach swimming?” While many netizens have bashed Roque’s sudden passion, he remains firm. Roque taunts his critics, saying, “Kung meron man akong na offend sa mga nakita nilang larawan, ganito na lang—bleh! Swimming prof na ako eh. ‘Wag kayo mainggit.” (If I offended anyone with the images they saw, then I’ll just say this—bleh! I’m a swimming professor. Don’t be jealous.) Roque was referring to a photo circulating around social media, where he was seen in a couple of training sessions with a few members of the Lady Tankers.

disappointing observations by Filipinos, while others want him to continuously be active in both occupations. From a personal standpoint, Roque has emphatically enjoyed his new-found activity, which he says has made him joyous and delighted. On the other hand, finding the stability and balance of effectively managing his responsibilities will be a demanding process for him, especially in the long run.

“Meron talaga akong vision para lumaki ang swimming dito sa Pilipinas, at sa tingin ko malaki ang maitutulong ko bilang coach nila.”

Balancing responsibilities Roque will have to balance his new career with being the presidential spokesperson. And while these two jobs can definitely be physically and mentally draining, Roque maintains that this is not a hindrance in pursuing his dream. There have been mixed reactions in regards to Roque dividing his focus on being the presidential spokesperson and swimming coach. Some have been demanding Roque to quit his post as spokesperson because of

“Madami sa inyo ang daming daldal tungkol sa gusto ko gawin, pero sa katotohanan itong ginagawa ko ngayon ay parang ‘yung mga student-athletes lamang. Ang mga student-athletes

GREENER PASTURES

UNIQLO X DLSU

DLSU to compete in PBA

The new look of La Salle sports teams

kaya balansehin ang kanilang oras at responsibilidad, so pinapangako ko sa inyo na magagawa ko rin ito,” Roque remarks. With his clear promise to the Filipino people, it might be too early to judge his statement, but he only has a bit of leeway in satisfying the citizens. (So many of you have a lot to say about what you want me to do, but in reality, what I am doing right now is just similar to what student-athletes do. They are able to balance their time and responsibilities, so I am promising to you that I can do this as well.) Long term vision With an eternal passion for swimming, Roque intends to help train the athletes for the national team as well, “Meron talaga akong vision para lumaki ang swimming dito sa Pilipinas, at sa tingin ko malaki ang maitutulong ko bilang coach nila.” (I really have a vision to increase the exposure of swimming here in the Philippines, and in my opinion, I can provide a huge help to them (national team).) The work does not stop there as he also plans on building his own swimming school with the aim of enhancing and bolstering the talents of Filipino swimmers. With the platform he possesses, he intends to provide an avenue for individuals to have their talent discovered at the national level. Any individual will have their own valid opinion on this shocking news, but the main lesson that could be absorbed is that nothing can stop a human being from achieving their dreams even if the odds are stacked up against them. As Roque continues his goal of being a swimming coach, the Filipinos will have their eyes on him, expecting him to impart the words of President Rodrigo Duterte in the midst of a pandemic while doing his laps in between.

PE dep’t eyes Tiktok, Mario Kart, Among Us for GE courses

9 SPORTSANITY As expectations and excitement heighten, current and past Lasallian stalwarts and coaches share their impressions of the Green Archers competing for a championship against the country’s finest ball clubs.

With the long hiatus for UAAP basketball, the Green Archers have joined the PBA as a guest team.

Graphics by Justin To

GREENER PASTURES

DLSU to compete in PBA With the resumption of the UAAP season still up in the air, DLSU’s nine-time UAAP champion basketball team announced today, April 1, that they will be playing in the 46th season of the Philippine Basketball Association (PBA). by Jeremiah Dizon & Rain Leoncio

As numerous Lasallian studentathletes have made the jump to their professional careers in the PBA Draft 2021, the management saw it fitting for the Green Archers to follow suit and compete during the long hiatus.

The Office of Sports Development backed the interest and intent of the Green Archers to participate in the historically acclaimed league. Having a solid reputation at the international and national level, the Taft-based squad was a lock-in to represent the UAAP in the PBA.

Taking it a step further La Salle’s decision to join the upcoming PBA conference comes after the UAAP Season 83 cancellation; with the PBA pushing through with their conference, Green Archers coach Derrick Pumaren saw the opportunity and capitalized on it. “Alam mo it’s very exciting for us to be able to join the upcoming PBA conference. Not only can this further develop our players, this could also turn out to be auditions for them as the PBA teams might be a landing spot for their professional stints,” Pumaren comments. In the arrangement, La Salle is set to only be a guest team as they will only participate in one conference, though they will face every other team at least once in the elimination round. Although, unlike the other teams, DLSU will be able to field their import, Amadou Ndiaye, for the upcoming conference. This is not the first time that the PBA has opened its doors to a guest team. Last 2009, the newly-formed Smart Gilas Pilipinas unit led by Coach Rajko Toroman competed in the Philippine Cup. Playing his final year in Taft, Justin Baltazar spoke about his excitement to play against the best players of the country. “Personally, for me nakakaexcite siya kasi makakalaro ko mga former teammates ko and that we as a team have very high expectations for ourselves for the upcoming season. We plan to carry over those expectations, kasi ‘yung expectations namin sa PBA is to win the title.” (It’s exciting because I’ll get to play against my former teammates.) Milestone achieved When asked about La Salle’s inclusion, PBA Commissioner Willie Marcial says, “It is truly an honor for us here in the PBA na makasama ang La Salle sa upcoming conference. Having one of the top teams of the UAAP to join our league will truly elevate ‘yung level of competition namin dito.”

Although La Salle is coming in as the obvious underdog, the Commissioner foresees that the presence of the Green Archers will benefit the league’s following. “If this goes well, we might even consider expanding the league with more collegiatelevel teams in the future,” mentions Marcial.

“IF THIS GOES WELL, WE MIGHT EVEN CONSIDER EXPANDING THE LEAGUE WITH MORE COLLEGIATELEVEL TEAMS IN THE FUTURE.” La Salle’s involvement in the PBA also puts the team in a unique advantage as the athletes can maintain physical fitness during the extended break. Coach Pumaren believes that their participation can aid the development and progress of collegiate and professional level basketball. He shares, “Sobrang ganda ng opportunity na ito for the school and professionals kasi mae-expose ‘yung mga bata tapos mas mahahasa sila kapag nakikipaglaro sa mga veterans.” (This is such a great opportunity both for the school and the professionals because the players will gain experience and their skills will be honed when playing against veterans.) As for bannering the Green-and-White in the bigger stage, former Lasallian athletes in the PBA applaud the team for taking up the challenge, convinced that the young guns are more than capable of fending for themselves in the uptempo play of the tourney. Respected Alaska Aces guard Jvee Casio comments, “Although there will be multiple adjustments along the way, I’m pretty confident that they can catch up to it and win games. The pride in playing for La Salle under Coach Derrick gives you confidence that can make you perform better.” La Salle participating in the upcoming PBA season signifies a new era of Philippine basketball. With the aim-high mentality of the coaches and players of the Green-and-White, they have their sights set on even bigger things. “We are looking to go out there and win the PBA conference, that is the only goal we have,” Pumaren proclaims.

UNIQLO X DLSU

The new look of La Salle sports teams by Dayne Aduna & Joaquim Antonio Arquelada Graphics by Evan Olfato

After a decade with Nike, DLSU announced today, April 1, that they will now partner with Uniqlo, which will be the University’s new jersey sponsor for upcoming UAAP seasons. Known for its trendy designs, Uniqlo’s merchandise is a staple in the Lasallian community. Their sportswear line, Activewear, poses a vast amount of clothing options for athletes, such as the Ultra Stretch Active Jogger Pants and UV Protection Support Tights combined with the company’s own ‘Airism’ technology. Emmanuel Calanog, executive director of DLSU’s Office of Sports Development, believes that Uniqlo will bring more versatility and comfort to the athletes moving forward. He shares, “It’s a great blessing for us to partner with Uniqlo, and we expect them to cater to our athletes’ needs with personalized equipment that will suit them best.” Made for all With Uniqlo still on the rise in the Philippines after being on the market for

SPORTSBITS

several years, DLSU sticks by its students, who have proven themselves to be true fans of the brand, making the University the perfect face for the clothing line. With this newest signing, Uniqlo now makes its way to the UAAP arena. Altered to the players’ needs, its exclusive clothing line is a good addition to the Green Archers’ arsenal. Regardless of age, gender, and ethnicity, Uniqlo’s slogan, “made for all”, envisions clothing that anyone can wear “anytime, anywhere, everyday”, and clearly their aesthetic has resonated with University students, who can often be seen sporting Uniqlo tees, jackets, and pants. Its popularity among Lasallians is obvious, so it did not come as a surprise that Uniqlo became a chosen partner. In fact, as the unofficial “uniform” of the campus, many were excited upon hearing the news. Uniqlo’s sportswear made noises in 2018 when tennis legend Roger Federer left Nike to pursue a partnership deal with the brand, proving that the Japanese clothing line worthy of being worn by star athletes. Lady Tennister Sam Palinmo shares, “I’m really excited with the deal with Uniqlo. It’s nice to know that I’m wearing the same brand as what my idol Federer uses on the court.”

EVEN WITH THEIR LONG-LASTING RELATIONSHIP WITH NIKE, DLSU has partnered with Uniqlo as well to provide apparel for the athletes.

Backroom magic The Japanese clothing company is certainly glad to have partnered with DLSU. Uniqlo Global President Tadashi Yanai tells The LaSallian, “I am happy that both parties are interested in collaborating with each other—with DLSU athletes carrying the brand while we create specific products for them.” In February 2017, the company released its Bri-Z line, which the DLSU community immediately suited up with from head-to-toe when it first flooded the market. According to Uniqlo Philippines’ Operations Head, Akoi Tatai, the Bri-Z line was inspired by Lasallians’ “dudeparechong lifestyle”, saying it offered something fresh and that exuded confidence. He describes, “The line is catered to the green-and-white day-to-day

Justine Baltazar has accepted an offer to After begging off to join Choco Mucho in play for Neo-Phoenix, as he is expeccted the bubble, Santos joins the staff of coach to lead the charge with Thirdy Ravena. Ramil De Jesus.

life—school in the morning and party in the evening, keeping the fun in the clothes.” A testament to the success of the Bri-Z line was the incorporation of the new clothing technology, “O-pereh”, which the company designed with sweat-wicking and freeflow fabric for wearers to be able to get a “harder shoti” lifestyle. Renowned Lasallian Tiktok creator Heelu Nakuh points out what he loves most about the brand. “You know after my 7 pm class, I drive with my brodies to BGC, ready for the rave, and I am confident that I would not be bringing Agno smell wherever I go. With that I can party right away with the shotis,” he utters. See Uniqlo, Page 10

With his sudden resignation from Adamson, coach Franz is back with the Green Archers to rekindle the glory days in Taft.

10 SPORTSANITY Graphics by Enrique Manuel & Bianca Sevidal

New games have been added to PE subjects to increase students' excitement.

PE dep’t eyes Tiktok, Mario Kart, Among Us for GE courses by Franz Aren Reyes & Jelie Ann Julia

After more than a year of staying at home, the return of face-to-face classes seems no closer than before with the recent spike of COVID-19 cases. In the online setup, the Physical Education (PE) Department took advantage of using e-sports as a means to continue online learning behind our own screens. For team and individual sports, Mobile Legends was the first and currently the only game to be introduced to the curriculum. As most e-sport games require a personal computer, the multiplayer online battle arena is accessible for most students, as the only device needed is a mobile phone or a tablet. But the department is now looking to diversify three of their courses, GEDANCE, GESPORT, and GETEAMS with the addition of more online games and activities. The LaSallian speaks to PE Department Vice Chair, Dr. Janet Mariano, to discuss the changes to the said subjects.

became a popular open social media platform for people to express themselves—may it be through dancing, singing, acting, and the like. Mariano observed the exposure that people receive through the application. As a result, she decided it was time for students to benefit from making cheery videos. “Looking through the dances, people are really enjoying themselves, and I could see how it brings so much confidence,” she shares. Students enrolled in the class are now being required to make a Tiktok account and post weekly videos as a part of their grades. “Tiktok routines are generally easy to follow, which could bring comfort to a lot of the students because most of them already use the application,” she comments. Students are being challenged to do their own interpretations of viral Tiktok dances like those with the songs Renegade and Heartbreak Anniversary. As part of their midterm and final requirements, students will still need to create a dance routine for themselves. As Tiktok is a platform that would completely show content from small creators, this application may allow students to go viral overnight. But professors are still contemplating whether or not they should grade students based on the number of views on their videos.

Mariano shares that there are already a few games that were approved by administrators to already be included in the subject. The midterm exam, for one, will be a Mario Kart match. She explained that its long-term popularity and simple game mechanics provides as close to a level playing field as possible given the circumstances. The finals, meanwhile, will be Fall Guys. The Vice Chair explains the decision of choosing the video game over the popular board game Monopoly. “Fall Guys was chosen because in contrast to Monopoly and Mario Kart, it is fairly new, so it provides a new challenge to our students. This also helps us in grading because their progress dictates their score,” she elaborates. Other possible games that professors may choose from are NBA2K, FIFA, Fortnite, and a few board games. This addition spells a radical change when compared to students learning arnis, table tennis, badminton, and other physically taxing sports. However, Mariano pointed out that such sports require mental exercise as well, and this is something that will continue with online games.

however, that La Salle’s deal with Uniqlo will be an addition to their past deal with Nike as the latter will still provide shoes and other apparel to players.

Vice President Takahiro Wakabayashi comments, “The players and fans alike must wait for whatever we have in store for them. The custom activewear, which will be crafted for them, will leave them in awe.”

Tiktok dance craze Online GEDANCE mainly focuses on students forming their own choreography, pushing them to channel the inner dancers in themselves. Zumba and workout sessions are held every meeting, and as a final requirement, students are required to make their own choreography to showcase their ability. With the likelihood of Lasallians entering their fourth full-online term in a few months, Shift into high gear the department eyes introducing Tiktok to Meanwhile, GESPORT tests students the course. The successor to Musical.ly, Tiktok in various individual and dual games.

Uniqlo... From Page 9

“...bakit gagayahin natin ‘yung mga

With the Uniqlo and DLSU connection asul at dilaw kung pwede naman cast in stone, after the deal signing, the Green tayo maging berde? Ipagmalaki natin ang uniporme ng bawat Archers were delivered with the prototype Lasalista!” LozolWear sports attires, which feature temperature control within the weaves, keeping the wearer on the highest level of cool. Aang Malasquo from the DLSU men’s basketball team shares, “Although I prefer Nike when it comes to sportswear, I’m excited to try the new jerseys out and The new gear, however, is not yet get accustomed with it.” It was clarified, available to the public. Uniqlo Senior

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The game of the Green Batters took 500 minutes, as it reached the 30th inning before they finally won the match.

Endless possibility “There are endless possibilities for team sports,” assistant professor John Paul Domingo expressed. As such activities require teamwork, breakout sessions are being utilized for students to talk among their allies during

a tournament in Mobile Legends, which is currently what is offered for GETEAMS, the subject that teaches team sports. The whole PE department plans on creating new rules to accommodate more team-based games such as Among Us, Minecraft, Pictionary, and charades. The popularity of these games is expected to make students gain interest and attend and engage more in their classes. Domingo shares one of their plans for facilitating the conduct of the said games. For Among Us, there will be a maximum of 40 students in a class, which will be divided into four breakout rooms of up to 10 each, given the game’s player limit. Each group will have two imposters and eight crewmates. Points will be awarded to the crewmate team if they vote off the two imposters, while the imposter team will get points if they win the round. A student’s total number of points will serve as their grade. “We’re still developing more ideas on how to make this more engaging and entertaining,” Domingo adds. These games, however, are still up for approval. Mariano explains that they need to be okayed by the Office of Sports Development and the Academics Council to make sure they are “Lasallian enough.” She remarks, “I definitely think that students should be given more options on choosing online games just as how they could get to choose a sport during

More than just clothes Calanog emphasizes the commitment of the brand to the Green-and-White. He shares, “We want to be different from the enemies, so bakit gagayahin natin ‘yung mga asul at dilaw kung pwede naman tayo maging berde? Ipagmalaki natin ang uniporme ng bawat Lasalista!” (Why do we have to be like the blue and yellow schools when we can be

green. We must take pride in the uniform that Lasallians wear!) Yanai adds, “Partnering with DLSU will be a major breakthrough in the charity sector of the company since we share the same ideals and initiatives.’’ With a commitment to serve, DLSU and Uniqlo have moved out of their comfort zones to extend a hand to those in need. With this signing, it is anticipated that both institutions will join forces for humanitarian causes. With the “DLSU x Uniqlo” partnership now in full force and the public unveiling of the line coming soon, 2021 is bound to be an interesting year for fans of the brand and the Lasallian community.

The temparature during the game of the Lady Booters was at a whopping 50 degrees celsius.

After a short survey, zero people believe that any school could beat the Green Archers team from 1999-2001.