The Experts

THE EXPERTS By GRID MICHAL

GRINDING GRID’S GEARS SOUND SYSTEMS

THIS IS A BIT convoluted, so bear with me. The end is worth it. When we did the offi ce fl oors, all the computer stuff got put on the dining room table for a couple of weeks with all the other offi ce stuff.

I believe the computers must have been getting it on in the middle of the night as when we had all the new furniture assembled and ready to have the stuff put back, my cables and other equipment looked pretty frazzled, while ML’s were just where she put them in color/biographical/identifi able order in a box. Mind you, I followed orders as to where she wanted things to be put. This included new extension cords and breaker extensions. Once everything was set up, and there were no wires left over, I started tie strapping everything nice and neat.

You must be aware that I was doing this on my back, using one hand, so if you looked at it, you’d say “Pretty damned good!”, but not “WOW!”She wanted “WOW!” so The Short One scooted under the desk, proceeded to pull stuff apart, removed breaker extensions that were too long, replaced them with shorter ones, and tried to remember how the OMC tie straps worked.

I had many thoughts, ALL best kept to myself, which I did, as I meandered out to the shed to rearrange the full beer bottles for quick access. It wasn’t long before I was beckoned. “My speakers don’t work.” “Did they work before you took everything apart?” “Remember I told you they sounded funny?” “Oh, absolutely! Did you tell me 10 minutes ago? Everything is a blur before that.” “Wiseass.” “Okay, let me try.” “No, I’ll show you.”

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“Do you want me to help--or not?” “Okay, go ahead.”

I sat down at her desk and checked the volume via the screen. I was able to go from 0-100 and mute. The screen speakers worked okay. I checked the computer driver. It was set for speakers, not headphones. All okay. Power was on at the auxiliary speakers according to the little green light, but nothing emanated from them or the boom-box speaker under the desk.

I went to my computer and checked my speakers by going to Google and typing in boat engine sounds and logging on to a 1000HP drag racer. No question: my speakers worked finnnnnnnnnnnnne!!!!!! All 5:2 in the screen, two small ones, one boom-box. I checked the wiring: one small speaker attached to the desktop via USB; one small wire from it to the other small speaker, and a large wire to the boombox.

I looked at her setup: one wire from the screen to the computer, one wire from one small speaker to the other speaker, and one large one to the boombox. I said,

“The problem is you are missing the input to the small speakers which power the boombox.”

“What did you do with the wire?”

“If you took it all apart, and you put everything in a box, then perhaps YOU should tell me what YOU did with the wire.”

Note to self: if you have the right to keep silent, do it.

So, we went up to the attic and found the green wire that carried power from the desktop to the boombox and small speakers (her small speakers didn’t have the extra wire that mine do, and as far as I know, her small speakers and boombox have NEVER worked) and I plugged it into the desktop, which I could easily reach. The boombox, I couldn’t, so she went under the desk to plug the other end into the boombox as I went to Google, logged onto boat engine sounds, clicked on the one with the 1000HP drag racers, turned on the small speakers, and told her to plug in the boombox, whose volume adjustments--base and treble--we’d never looked at.

I’ll leave the rest to your imagination, but I can tell you that last night and today when I say something, she gives me a blank look before saying “Huh? Did you say something?” At least she lost her hearing listening to something choice.