LOSING TRACK

by Owen Ziliak

Persistent emptiness. Daily regret. I didn’t know missing someone could hurt this much.

My months long breakdown started when I left Aarhus Airport. Literally. Running on three hours of sleep, I was overwhelmed. On my way out I thought I had missed customs, somehow forgetting that I had gone through passport control in Amsterdam. Tight-chested and on the verge of tears, I frantically texted my parents to make sure I wasn’t going to be arrested as the bus pulled away and took me into Aarhus for the first time.

I didn’t think it could get worse than those first few hours. But I was in for an experience I had not prepared myself for.

Years

Being away from my girlfriend, Jaclyn, for a couple months at a time was nothing new. It was a long enough time to really miss her, but I never felt like it made our relationship difficult. She has always been a big part of my life, and even when we were apart it felt like she was always there. I expected these six months to be the same.

We had started talking and became romantically involved just before the pandemic. At the time I was still doing acapella, playing baseball and interacting with friends every day at school. Due to lockdown, I was forced to be online in order to talk to anyone outside of my immediate family. Jaclyn and I talked all day, every day. We called every night, watched movies on FaceTime and occasionally wrote letters. And when prom season came around, I plopped down on my gray futon, she on her white bed, and donned a corsage and boutonniere while eating takeout we had ordered for each other. Suddenly unable to see the people I once saw on a daily basis, the connection that we had was exactly what I needed at the time. While lockdown as a whole was something I’d never want to go through again, I sometimes look back on it fondly because of how it shaped our relationship. But I did not recognize the pain it would cause me down the road.

Months

The following months after my arrival in Denmark were filled with nothingness. I can’t remember anything from the month of February. Eat. Sleep. Work. Eat. Sleep. Work. Eat. Sleep. Work.

My time abroad was going just how I had planned it, and at the time I thought it was a good idea. But I had no fulfillment.

I was alone. My motivation to explore the place I would be calling home until June was nonexistent. The allure of going abroad felt like a lie. There was no place I’d rather be than home.

This wasn’t my first time away from friends and family for an extended period of time. The summer before I had spent two months by myself and built the same routine I planned on having in Denmark. Eat. Sleep. Work. Eat. Sleep. Work. I loved it. Every day was something new, and I thought this would be the same.

Spending the majority of time talking to one person is healthy if there are others around you that play similar roles in your life. Jaclyn was an outlet for me, both mentally and physically, and she has helped me get over all the bumps in my life since we met. But she has always been the only one. When I arrived in Denmark I quickly realized a harsh truth. She wasn’t going to be able to be there for me in the same way she was when I was back home. We could still call three to four days a week, but the physical distance and time difference made her a much smaller part of my life.

In the blink of an eye, I’d “lost” the person that kept me honest and moving.

Weeks

My struggles continued into April, and my poor mental state bled into our relationship. We texted more and called less, going through the motions instead of being constructive and improving each other.

As time went on, I felt like I was in the dark about how Jaclyn was feeling, and the spark we had was getting dimmer. Jaclyn and I agreed. It felt like we were killing time until we got to see each other again in the summer.

My surroundings at the dorm were an indication of my hard times as well. The painted white brick walls remained empty, reminding me of all the things I had forgotten back home that would have filled the space. The shiny pink duvet is something I’d never buy myself, and I never would have used it if the last person living here hadn’t cleaned it and left it behind. I hated it, but didn’t care.

I thought making small changes was pointless. “A new duvet isn’t going to make life better,” I told myself.

The only sentimental item that I brought from home was a small booklet of pictures of Jaclyn that she had gotten for me just before I left for Denmark. It serves as a reminder of how things were and how things will be once I return. I wish I had more.

It took me a while to realize what was going on. Back home I was someone that could deal with a lot of adversity and come out just fine on the other side, but even the smallest things began dictating my mood. If I woke up with the sun coming through my window, I would have a good day. If it was overcast, I wouldn’t. Things that used to not matter, suddenly shaped who I would be on a daily basis. Almost every morning I woke up regretting how I went about the day before. I felt like I was wasting time. As I got dressed and made breakfast I swore that I’d go about the new day better. But I rarely followed through.

Days

After I returned from doing a project in Skagen, Jaclyn and I talked about the state of our relationship. It was late on the second night back and with class in the morning I didn’t want to stay up, but we ended up talking until two in the morning. It was a difficult conversation to have, made worse by being forced to communicate through a screen while on the verge of falling asleep.

But I was petrified of what would happen if I hung up.

“It is hard when we’re barely going to see each other over the next few months,” she said in a text.

“We’re gonna make it work. I’m gonna make sure it all works,” I responded.

“This isn’t working for us, though. What we’re doing right now,” she texted back.

For days I wondered if the end was near. I hadn’t been single since before COVID, which felt like decades ago. The weight of my thoughts about how I would handle the rest of my trip and returning to school was unbearable. This experience, while agonizing, snapped me out of my trance. For the first time I had to confront the fact that I had trapped myself in my own mind, keeping myself and my relationship from developing. The constant negative feedback loop I had been in since I touched the tarmac, was destroying the most valuable thing in my life. Eat. Sleep. Work. Eat. Sleep. Work. My time abroad went just how I had planned it, and it was a terrible idea.

Following days of discussion and self-reflection, life began to change with Jaclyn. Open communication led to us becoming more in tune with each other’s wants and needs, which we had lost over the past few months. The ability to find ways to express myself outside of her through solo activities, took away the need for me to be talking to her all the time. Lingering in bed became a thing of the past, as each day I had something to do. My ability to find happiness and fulfillment while far from her benefited both of us.

Eternity

Our problems were not solved overnight and things still aren’t perfect, but my behavior has transformed. I talk to my parents and older friends more often and make sure that what I think makes me happy is something that transcends distance and time.

I was able to find ways to fill the empty spaces of things I would usually do back home. I challenged myself to experiment with new methods of cooking and flavors to distract myself from the favorite items I couldn’t find or was being priced out of, such as authentic Asian and Mexican ingredients. Instead of video games I listened to more music and started to learn about the intricacies of production and storytelling within it. While I was still missing what I could do back home, I slowly found ways to bridge the gaps between my lifestyle in the US and my lifestyle in Denmark.

Back in April while thinking about what I had gained from my time in Denmark so far, I struggled to come up with anything not related to school, or a better appreciation for the things I had back home. But after my conversations with Jaclyn, I realise that I learned something here I likely would not have learned at home: The value of greater dependence on oneself, rather than others. •