VW Off-Road Guide

VDUB-300

BROUGHT TO YOU BY VOLKSWAGEN

(SALUTATIONS!)

The off-roading life is not all five-star massages and valet parking. It’s for the macho, and if you’re going to prove you’ve been to the Serengeti and back, you’ve got to go all out. This kit is here to give your all-new 2015 Touareg the full bundubashing experience without ever having to go further than your favourite organic coffee shop.

Just a flesh wound Figure 1.1

Apply some ‘Fake Blood’ (VDUB-332).

Apply some ‘Tan in a can’ (VDUB-331).

Wear the ‘Vest’ (VDUB-338).

Bronze Up Figure 1.2

VDUB-300 • INSTANT OFF-ROAD GUIDE

Female lions do the hunting, no mention of manes not matter how carried away you get.

Your armpits rarely see the light of day, so make sure it stays that way.

Your muddy Touareg isn’t the only thing that’ll convince them, you’ve got to have the ‘been there, destroyed the t-shirt’ look as well. Gently tear open the sachet and apply accordingly (Figure 1.1). Use small blotches around the chest and neck area for the lion pride escape story, or one large smear across the chest for that wrestled an alligator look.

Nothing shows that you’ve tackled the wilderness like a warrior more than a deep vest tan. Simply put on the vest and apply the fake tan to exposed areas (Figure 1.2). For best results add a second coat, just don’t forget the face. If your skin is already dark, skip this step and use the vest for your Bikram yoga classes instead.

Patch things up Figure 2.1

Apply some ‘Band-Aid’ (VDUB-333).

It'll rub off Figure 2.2

Apply the sticker.

VDUB-300 • INSTANT OFF-ROAD GUIDE

Snakebites take more than a Band-Aid to make it all better.

Kisses don’t work either.

Although Savanna grass can grow to impressive heights, all it’ll do to your Touareg is tickle it.

The ultimate story starter and proof that there were some snags along the way – nothing that you couldn’t handle of course. Place on the forearms (Figure 2.1) , elbows, knees and ankles. Steer clear of the face, you’re not Nelly.

We know you couldn’t think of anything worse, but these beauties come off as easily as they go on.

The Whistling Thorn (Acacia drepanolobium) can grow up to 6m tall and can do some serious damage to your shimmering ray of sunshine. There is an art to proving you took the road less traveled and where you place it is extremely important. Anything below the door handles will do the trick (Figure 2.2).

Splat Attack!

Figure 3.1

Use ‘Bugs’ (VDUB-334).

Put a twig in it Figure 3.2

VDUB-300 • INSTANT OFF-ROAD GUIDE

Bugs don’t go on the back unless you were high speed reversing from an elephant stampede, but chances are unlikely.

Not to be hung on your rearview mirror. This isn’t mistletoe and definitely not an air freshener either.

An outdoor adventure isn’t complete without a few flattened Glossina palpalis’ – Tsetse flies to the city slicker. Pop open the tube, remove the little critters and apply liberally to the newly designed grille, BiXenon headlights and front windshield (Figure 3.1). Be sure not to concentrate them all in one spot.

What you have here is a little something from the Fabaceae family. The Vachellia xanthophloea, or Fever tree, is common across these plains and chances are it’ll get lodged somewhere. If you’re wondering where, the wheel arches will do just perfectly (Figure 3.2).

Always act surprised when you come across it and say something like, ‘Ah, there you are.’

Down and Dirty Figure 4.1

Use ‘Spray on mud’ (VDUB-339).

Use ‘Dirt’ (VDUB-335).

VDUB-300 • INSTANT OFF-ROAD GUIDE

Not for the face.

Unless it has something to do with some bizarre African ritual or you’re going for that freshly exfoliated look.

Less is not more. Use all over and use as much as you want. Start from the front wheel arch and move quickly backwards in an upward direction. Once you’ve done the basics add a little to the 20 inch rims and don’t’ forget underneath. For that extra special touch, sprinkle the tube of indigenous dirt on the front and rear floor mats. Nature likes to get everywhere.

VDUB-300