Feb2014issue final

Til death do us part...

My story of living after he died.

Pg 32

DMontrell Love music Pg 10

DOMINION AUTHORITY MAGAZINE

WELCOME MISSION

To be the premier publication for education, resources, and empowerment of Kingdom Citizens to walk in Dominion Authority in EVERY aspect of their lives.

VISION Providing information and understanding on topics that affect the lives of believers regardless of their educational, spiritual, or socio-economical background. Encouraging cross-generational worship and urban evangelism by engaging and utilizing every member of the body of Christ to supply their unique gifts to reach non-believers. Set a standard for Kingdom living by re-directing the influence of secular media on the culture of our youth by empowering them to be leaders, actively engaging them in multimedia ministry, and educating them on the power that their influence can have on the lives of their peers.

Get acquainted Raniesa Gray-Johnson - Owner/Publisher

NYAH HAMLETT -Editor

CONTACT US Aaron Mosby - Creative Design

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Dominicka Jemmott - Photography

Published by RAM Legacy, LLC Š 2013

www.dominionauthoritymagazine.com E: dominionmag@gmail.com T: (757) 745-4159 Twitter: @DAMag2 Instagram: @DAMag2 Facebook: Dominion Athority Magazine

ISSUE

03 ‘Til death do us part.

When the vows become real.

Page 32

Features D Montrell Love Music Pg 10

Parenting on Purpose D. Montrell What do you REALLY believe?

A love like no other God’s Resurrection Power Keep Running YOUR Race Til death do us part

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A love like no other...

Ty and Nate’s story of faith in the face of death, and God’s resurrection power

Page 14

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WORDS FROM THE EDITOR

Beautiful Life

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ecently the chorus of Trip Lee’s song ‘Beautiful Life’ has blessed me. The song is about an unplanned pregnancy and how it is important to recognize that EVERY life, planned or unplanned is precious and should be spared. I totally, 100% agree with the message of this song, but the blessing for me comes in the chorus when the singer says, “God knew what He was doing when He gave beautiful life.” He did. He knew EXACTLY what He was doing and how each life would play out.

Sometimes we get bogged down by the difficulties and struggles that this world throws at us, but what we MUST remember is that ALL of us are special and have a purpose. Our life was planned out before we even had the cognition to have a coherent thought. It gets hard, sometimes we want to quit, and at times we feel like maybe He forgot who we are, because this seems too much to bare. But He knows, and He cares. God is looking lovingly, longingly at us, begging for us to just ask Him for help. But in our stubbornness and desire to impress people, we force ourselves to take on more than we can handle, then decide that either we are just going to suck it up and deal with it while condemning those we ALLOWED to load us with so much, or we give up, walking away from the dreams that we have carried in our hearts since we were children because, obviously, we aren’t good enough.

Raniesa Gray-Johnosn Founder/Editor/Publisher

You are good enough!

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ut we ARE good enough!! He gave us BEAUTIFUL LIFE!! Our lives are so amazing! Our thoughts and dreams are limitless and extravagant for a reason. God desires that we have the desires of our heart, but we must first accept that regardless of how the pains of life distract, discourage, and dissuade us, WE CANNOT GIVE UP!! We MUST keep going! Think about it, every time you say ‘I’m done!’ and attempt to just give up, somehow, someway, you get up, dust your pants off and keep it moving.

Think about the things and situations that you have dealt with that should have landed you in jail, in the hospital, or in the grave, yet you walked away not only unharmed, but with more wisdom, strength, courage and character.

We were made to be amazing! We were created in the likeness of HIM and He created ALL THINGS!! How dare we not step out everyday and declare to the world that we are here, we are amazing, and we are BEAUTIFUL!!

Stand strong, stand firm, and ENJOY this Beautiful Life you’ve been given!!

Be Blessed!

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Writers Raymond Johnson Autem Clay Dawn Hale-Garries Raniesa Gray-Johnson Teante’ Gray Editor-in-Chief Raniesa Gray-Johnson Photography FotoMe Photgraphy Layout RAM Legacy, LLC Raniesa Gray-Johnson Dominionmag@gmail.com (757) 745-4159

Dominion Authority Magazine is published quarterly by RAM Legacy, LLC. Any reproduction of any portion of this publication is prohibited without the written consent of the publisher prior to doing so. RAM Legacy, LLC does not accept responsibility for statements made by individuals featured or advertisers. Comments concerning this publication may be submitted to the editor by email at dominionmag@ gmail.com raniesaj@gmail.com or to RAM Legacy, LLC 1013 Birdsong Way Newport News, Va 23602 DOMINION AUTHORITY MAGAZINE © 2014 All Rights Reserved Subscriptions Available Have DAMag delivered to your home or office. Send money order for 4 issues to our mailing address, and allow three weeks before first issue is delivered. Include subscriber contact information with phone number. No refunds allowed.

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PARENTING ON PURPOSE Pastor Raymond Johnson, M.Div

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he words of Solomon, writer of the book of Proverbs, are ever so needed today but often misunderstood and applied. In moments of looking back over his life he penned these words in Proverbs 22:6 he says, “Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it.” The Apostle Paul wrote these words to the church at Ephesus. In Ephesians 6:4 he says, “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.”

What is interesting to note is the culture of the Ephesians was full of debauchery, sexually lewd behavior and idolatry sort of a mirror image of our culture today. And as a father when I look back over my own life and in life and society, I see the importance of parenting a generation of children who are over exposed, under developed and teenagers who vastly become morally bankrupt.

However, before we can begin with children the onus of the process begins with us as parents.

As a teenage boy my mother often appeared to be my nemesis. As an English teacher she would never tolerate broken English in her home. She was always on me about my appearance, grades, cleanliness of my room and we were in church every 5 minutes. However, today as a parent I understand better. Parents are responsible for developing as well as cultivating how a child sees the world and relates to others around them.

The psychological, social and intellectual development of a child is directly related to the stimuli or lack thereof as parents are the primary example and model for their children. A word of caution to parents is children

are often motivated by what they see us do more than what they hear us say. For example as a boy and teen my parents started with me early in helping me distinguish the difference between who I was as their child juxtapose the relationship I had with my peers. I developed a sense of personal pride and self-worth and as a result only strayed but so far in my decision making as an adolescent even though I appeared to be intellectually challenged and a late bloomer. What appeared to be looking over my shoulder in almost every area of my life taught me accountability, attention to detail and how the discipline of hard work produces purposeful results.

As a parent today I often find myself repeating the same words, looking over the shoulders of my children I am absolutely certain that I am their nemesis. However, I have come to understand that our society and world depends on what I do as a parent.

As Israel prepared to enter into the promised-land to live out their purpose a generation before them had died. As Moses their leader, a father figure, prepared to die he said these words to the children of Israel. In Deut 6:4-9 he sad, “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one![b] 5 You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. 6 And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. 7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. 8 You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. 9 You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.” In other words a consistent

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love and reverence for God will enable one to love others and their environment and will help one live on purpose.

However, children only learn to develop that love by watching us as parents lead by example in helping to cultivate that love. Our ability to not only pray with our children but live a lifestyle of prayer before them is the greatest lesson. Our ability to teach our children diligence is directly related to our ability to be diligent and faithful to God and others in the phases of life we find ourselves in as parents.

David, Solomon’s father, is accredited for writing the Psalms but in one of the most important and thought provoking psalms every written, Solomon steps in looking back and shares the wisdom he learned for his Father. All of Solomon’s life he was developed cultivated, socialized and intellectually stimulated to become King.

As he looked back over his life he wrote these words in Psalms 127:3-5 he says, “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward.

4 Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are the chil-

dren of one’s youth. 5 Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them; They shall not be ashamed, But shall speak with their enemies in the gate.” Our responsibility as parents is to cultivate our children to hit their mark in life. The reality is this must be done on purpose with sensitivity and sensibility, because each of us will face mortality. The question becomes what words of wisdom do we or will we pass on to our children about how to live life? A word for all of us to consider as parents is what will become of the end of our days if we don’t invest our time in parenting on purpose. <>

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Dr. Raymond Johnson is the pastor of Calvary Revival Church Peninsula.

For more info go to: www.crcpeninsula.org or call: (757) 245-1747

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REFINED

by DM

new EP

OUT NOW 6.25.13

dmontrell. com WWW.DOMINIONAUTHORITYMAGAZINE.COM

BY TEANTE GRAY

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A:Tell us who you are ?

DM: DMontrell musically artist name government name is Donovan Thompson DA:When did you first started singing and performing music?

DM:I was 13 when I started singing as far putting music out I was 18 first time recording I was 17 with a Mic in a bathroom. After I heard myself I starting to get equipment my first this was a laptop with microphone connected to adaptor piece.

Since then just been learning and making better quality music I haven’t stop since then.

DA: When it comes to music what is your goal when you write a song? What is your genre? Because it’s not gospel its everything..

DM: Right, You know those Genre sometimes kind of put you in a box what they don’t understand sometimes they are afraid of. Also everybody wants to be able to control something that’s why they always trying to put a name or title on it. And it not

like I am one of those dudes that is trying to be a rebel or trying to be different it’s just is what it is. I don’t plan to be a rapper or nothing like that but the bible says that Paul said to the Jews I become a Jew to the Greeks I become a Greek whatever it takes to get the job done . There some dudes out there that not going to hear nothing unless you come at them kind of abrasive so I got to do what I go to do. The point is to get the message out music is just a tool I love but it just a tool to get the message out . So any given moment man when the beat comes on or the music comes on and if it touches my heart and the Holy Spirit starts to speak to my heart about I just go with it.

I keep myself from trying to do so much I just let it flow and whatever comes out. I am not reckless I know it has to be line up with the word and I usually try to write different and relevant music. It’s a lot things out now that the young people and people in general deal with that a lot of gospel music doesn’t touch on. And it’s cool I love worship music I am

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a worshipper myself but at the end of the day on Tuesday when church at going on and if I have some issues going on in my head sometimes I need someone to walk me through it, talk me through it musically I want music to walk me through it so I like to write stuff that relevant not that the other music isn’t just want to make sure there music out there that it touching on these issues. Someone asked me the other day on my blog what direction I am going in with my music I just said I’m a Christian with good music. I believe I make good music.

DA: That’s the thing I like about you is your an artist that happens to be Christian and I see this trend in other artist like Bizzle who is a rapper that happens to be Christian and it flows smoother cause you just write good music.

DM: Right right cause you are just being who you are. Truth is bruh I am a single man and truth is there are different things you deal with as a single man. I be lying if I say that I don’t see a nice young lady that I wanted to talk to why lie. Its the truth so why lie so now I know there is people just as myself that deal with things like that so now

lets talk about from a biblical prospective. I know how I live I live for Christ I live the right way so now I can talk about openly I don’t have to shy away from the subject. And not just that but that seems to be the big thing in society but whatever it is I present it. You know one time my homeboy said you don’t have to have so many JPM’s (Jesus is permitted) he said just speak it out from a biblical perspective and helps people understand what they need to do and what direction to go in so that my whole goal.

DA:Thank You DMontrell DM: No Problem appreciate ya!

For more about DMontrell visit the www.DMontrell.com and check out the full interview (audio only) at www.dominionauthoritymagazine.com.

For more on Teante Gray check out his blog: www.gospelnewzfeed.wordpress.com You can also follow him on Twitter : @tigger757

MUSIC IS JUST A TOOL

INSPIRATION

What do you REALLY believe?

BY RANIESA GRAY-JOHNSON

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any believers were born into faith.

They grew up acknowledging and believing in the god their parents served simply because that is what they are taught. As a child, there was no discussion about whether or not you were going to church, or which church you were attending. You went where your parents drove. And although this was not a bad thing, as it instilled strong values in each of us, it did nothing to affirm in our heart the true belief that is necessary to serve God in spirit and in truth.

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Until you have had a personal experience with God, your faith is shaky, at best.

For most of us, our experience of Christ has been centered around the testimonies of other believers who have gone through things and watched God perform personal miracles for them. Many of us have heard of the goodness of God and His many blessings, but have yet to feel His love

engulf us personally. And although we have recited many a scripture as a child, the truth of those words is lost on those of us who merely view the recitals as an opportunity to make our parents proud. But at what point do we really come to a full, personal knowledge of Christ?

than you possibly could.

So even when it didn’t make any good sense at all, you accepted it as fact. And when tragedy stuck and innocent lives were lost and you wondered how could God allow such pain, you pushed the thoughts to the back of your mind, because God allowed it, so it must be ok, there must be a reason.

Because of this staunch stance on curiosity, you never really learned that the answer to your questions can be found in the Word because you were taught to never ask questions. And you never thought to go to God with your confusion because you were taught that God does all things If you grew up in a Christian in decency and in order, household like I did, you so your confusion must dared not question your be sinful. elders for fear of getting slapped into the next week. But neither of those What an adult said, was ideals are true. God law. You didn’t question wants your questions. what God chose to do or not He desires that you come do. You just accepted that to Him when you have God’s will was perfect, even doubt. He says is His if it left you crying at night word, to cast your cares wondering what you could on Him for He cares for have done so bad that God you (1 Peter 5:7). And allowed this thing to happen when you are tired of in your life. Even though the struggle, tired of the you felt that something just pain, He reminds us that wasn’t right about what the we can come to Him for pastor, prophet, teacher, rest when we are weary preacher, mother, deacon, (Matthew 11:28). or elder said, you dared not question them because God is not a god that they’ve been saved all their just wants us to suck it life; clearly they know more up and just take it as He Published by RAM Legacy, LLC © 2013

does whatever He wants with our lives. He is a caring God that weeps with us when we mourn loved ones; He desires us to come to Him for comfort and peace when our lives are are in turmoil.

As we take time to study the bible for ourselves, we see that many of God’s chosen people questioned His ways out frustration, fear, anger, and despair. From Moses’ infamous “Why me, God? I am not good at speech!” to the Lord Jesus, Himself, crying out to the Father in anguish saying, “Why have you forsaken me?” God desires that each of us have a personal relationship with Him, so He welcomes our fears, doubts, anger, AND questions.

Just like in a physical relationship, as you spend time to get to know a person, you learn their likes and dislikes by asking them questions. God wants you to do the same thing through prayer, worship, and reading His word. As a matter of fact, how are you going to know His will for your life unless you ask Him questions? Ask Him, give Him the opportunity to answer your most pressing questions; it can be the difference between a faith you know, and faith you learned. <>

A love like no other...

BY RANIESA GRAY-JOHNSON

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ach of us has a testimony that will affect the lives of somebody. It may not be my life, it may not be yours; but somebody, somewhere needs to hear what you have to say. Your story may be just what someone needs in order to know that they truly are not alone in their situation. Your story may help someone see that things WILL get better. Our struggles are not for us to just endure, but for someone else’s strength. Our past gives hope to someone else’s future.

Nate and Tyese Cintron have an amazing story of faith, fear, and resurrection. Their prayer is that by hearing it, someone is encouraged to know that not only is God a healer, but that His resurrection power is still in effect in the earth today!

Their Love Story: DAMag: So, tell me how you too met.

Ty: We met through a mutual friend, Latoya. Well, she was my friend. She used to enjoy hanging out on Yahoo/AOL chat rooms. She meet a guy that she was interested in so she invited him to church; but offered to pick him up from Mayport Naval station. When she got there, she actually picked up the wrong guy, and brought him to church.

DAMag: So she went to met one guy, and end up meeting Nate instead and bringing him to church?

Nate: No. She was actually supposed to be meeting me, but instead met this other guy. As they were leaving, she asked if he was ready for church, he said he wasn’t going to church, and then she realized that she had the wrong guy. She took him back, and picked me up and we headed to church.

Ty: That’s where I come in. After church, I believe

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I fussed her out because we didn’t know him at the time, and it was clearly unsafe for her to be picking up random strangers. Of course I wasn’t even looking at Nate like that at the time, because I had a crush on someone else-who didn’t even notice me.

DAMag: So Nate, how do you go from being the best friend’s new boo, to Tyese’s husband?

Nate: We were never officially boo’d up. That was the first time I saw her, the first time we met. But when I met Ty the first time, she had this bright orange hair, wearing these big ol’ glass, and she had an attitude. I knew then, that she was the one. (laughing) We started talking and getting to know each other better, and ended up going to a Fred Hammond concert togetherTy: I didn’t go to the concert with you. I went with my friend, Alex, and you went with Latoya. And that’s when you told her that you were interested in me. She didn’t care, so that’s wen Nate and I got together. BUT, she and I are still great friends to this day.

About two years later, we went to the courthouse and got married. By this time I had moved out of my mom’s house and into a place with Nate. The day after we moved in together, I told him that I was not going to be shacking up so he needed to marry me.

That morning, October 16th, we got married. We had already planned on getting married; things just went a little differently than planned.

Nate: I had gotten orders to Key West, and I knew that I couldn’t go without her.

Ty: Yeah, we had already been through marriage

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counseling and our bishop knew what our original plans were. It was still a surprise because it was not the plan, but there was no shock.

to take a test. I remember thinking that either way, God was not playing games with me, and it turned out that I was pregnant.

I was estatic!

In May of 2009, my husband came home from work and I said, “Baby, I’m pregnant.” He had a huge smile on his face. This is 6 ½ years into our marriage and my husband was about to be deployed.

GOD IS NOT PLAYING GAMES WITH YOU!

Their Struggle: Ty: I think like any newly married couple, you take for granted that you are going to have kids when the time is right. But we were having difficulty. So while we are in Key West, we saw several doctors, and they eventually put me on medications; still no pregnancy.

It seems like everyone around me was getting pregnant. There were many, many tears. At one point, I would bust out in tears every time I saw the reality show ‘Jon and Kate Plus 8’, this woman had 8 babies, and I couldn’t even have one. It was heart breaking.

But one thing my bishop said really stuck with me.

In the context of a sermon, Bishop Vaughn McLaughlin said ‘God is not playing games with you.’

So one day, I was late on my cycle, which was not usual because it was never very regular, but I decided

Nate: It was such a surprise. It was not like we planned it. We had been trying to conceive for a while, and it was like it happened when we least expected it. We found out the day before I was to leave on a 6-month deployment. And I had just found out that I didn’t make rank, so my emotions were up and down. I missed almost the entire pregnancy. I was only there for the last two months or so. It was almost as if as soon as I came back we had our son.

He was born via C-section, cause his head was too big. (smiling)

FEATURE: A LOVE LIKE NO OTHER Ty: No (laughing), it was because I stopped dilating at 4 centimeters. I was a week overdue. They gave me medicine to help me sleep, but I couldn’t sleep because I was so uncomfortable, so I decided to have the C-section. And he was born the morning of January 15, 2010.

Their Test: DAMag: Ok, so you didn’t have any serious medical problems while giving birth. I thought that was when everything happened.

Ty: No. Approximately a month after giving birth, I developed swelling and excruciating pain in my left leg. I thought that it was a typical muscle ache, but the pain began to steadily increase. So I asked my husband to rub my leg. I took a bath first, and then had him rub my leg with some BenGay. From that this point in the story, I don’t remember. Nate will have to continue.

Nate: Ok, so prior to that, I was actually at Praise Team Practice. We had a visitor at the house when she texted me to pick up some BenGay, so I didn’t rush home. She had been complaining about her leg hurting, so I thought she may have just pulled a muscle or something. So I got the BenGay on the way home.

When I got home, our visitors left and she took a bath. I went into the bathroom to check on her and she was lying on the floor. I asked her what was wrong, and told her to just go ahead to bed. But she said that her leg hurts too badly. So I helped her get into bed, gave her some Tylenol, and rub Bengay on her leg, thinking it wasn’t anything to be overly concerned about.

She said she fine after that, so I went into the living room to watch TV and playing

video games until late evening/early morning.

Shortly after I went to bed, she woke me up and said that she really needed to go to the hospital. Honestly, at this point, I was beginning to think that she was really over exaggerating the pain in her leg. I was still thinking it was just a muscle cramp that she just needed to rest and it would get better. But, we packed up the baby and headed to the hospital.

Ty was able to walk to the car, but by the time we got to the hospital, she could not walk on her own.

By this time, her leg was extremely swollen, to the point where she couldn’t move it. When we got to the Langley AFB hospital, the hospital attendant came with the wheelchair and took her inside, and I followed with the baby after I parked the car. We sat in the waiting room for about 20mins, but the pain that I saw on her face was unforgettable. I pray that I never see it again.

Around the same time they took Ty back, there was a child that had went back as well that was crying.

So about five minutes after she went back, I heard a scream, which I assumed was the child. But then they called a Code Blue. I had no clue that it was my wife; I was completely oblivious. As people we running back and forth, I decided I should just check on her to make sure she was ok, so I went up the counter and asked for a doctor to give me an update.

When the doctor came out, she asked to take me into her office; I knew then that something was very wrong. She told me that my wife was really sick; that was my first indication that it was a lot worse than what the doctor was telling me. She told me that they were trying to revive her, and they would keep me informed of what was going on.

At this point, Ty had gone into a seizure and had a pulmonary embolism. The blockage that was in her leg had travel up into her heart.

Ty: Let me put a bookmark here for a moment. I had a C-section, and the body’s natural response in healing itself is clotting. My body overproduced the clots, and actually resulted in a Deep Vein Thrombosis (DVT) in my thigh, which prevented the blood flow in my leg. Which was excoriating. The pulmonary embolism was a result of my husband, unknow-

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the nurses come and get the baby. She then took me into her office and begin to tell me that things were not looking good, that Ty was not doing well, and that they didn’t think they would be able to revive her. She asked if I was ready to go and pay my last respects. A lot of people assume that that crying and weeping are the same thing, but they are not, there is a huge difference. And from that point, I went from crying to weeping, sobbing uncontrollably.

They led me back to the room where my wife was, and she was laid out on the table while a line of people were performing CPR on her; when one got tired, they swapped out and the next took over. She had tubes in her ribs, because they thought that her lungs had collapsed; there was blood everywhere.

She ended up developing pneumonia as a result of that. As they are trying to revive her, I am crying out to her and begging her to come back, we needed her, I needed her.

ingly massaging my leg, which broke up the clot and caused it to go through my lungs and into my heart.

This caused the seizures and the cardiac arrest.

Their Testimony: Nate: So she went into cardiac arrest. This was the first time that she flat-lined. At that point, I’m sitting in the waiting room next to this guy who is just coughing up a storm. He offers to help, and I’m like no thank you. Lol. My wife is already sick, didn’t want my newborn son to be either. He was trying to be helpful, because I was crying uncontrollably. I got on Facebook and asked everyone to start praying for my wife as she wasn’t doing too good.

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The chief medical officer came out and had one of

But in the midst of all that’s going on, there were actually a few people there that were laughing, joking and carrying on. I got angry. How dare they act like this? Where was their respect? I started fussing at them and getting angry. That’s when I was led to the chaplain’s office to calm down.

There she asked me if she could pray for me. I said yes. Then she asked if she could pray in Jesus’ name. Of course, please, by all means. As she was praying, I was still crying, but I began to she in tongues, then she start to speak in tongues. After we finished praying, she asked if there was anyone that I needed to call, because it was looking like I was going to be a single father.

I called Ty’s family first. But I was unable to reach them, so I had to leave a message on the voicemail.

Then I called my pastor. But every time I tried to tell him what was going on, I begin to cry all over again and couldn’t get the words out. Finally, he just said stop, and he began to pray. He told me that now is the time that I need to walk as a Dominion Man. He told me to go back into Ty’s room and command

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her spirit to fall back in line with her body.

him while I was in the hospital with Ty.

When I hung up the phone, there was a little bit of doubt and apprehension. I started to think about the people there looking at me like I was crazy. But the Chaplain heard what my pastor said, and said Let’s go! She would not allow me to NOT do what he said.

When I got to the hospital, Ty was alive, but non-responsive. Her body had already began to show the affects of rigor mortis, her hands were stiff and unmovable, and set in a certain place. Her eyes were halfway open. I began to just speak to her and comfort her and let her know that everything was going to be alright and that we were going to make it through this. The hospital staff told me that they weren’t sure if she could here me, they weren’t sure if she had any brain damage, or how severe it was.

So I walked back in to my wife’s room, and whispered in to her ear, “I command your spirit back into your body, in the name of Jesus.” And then I walked out.

Not two minutes later, she came back and they stabilized her.

DAMag: Wow! Nate: She actually died a couple of times, each time, they would bring her back. But it was about a fifteen minute time frame that she was “dead” so they thought that because of the amount of oxygen that she didn’t get to her brain that she would be brain-dead.

But because she came back, I knew we had a fighting chance. They then transferred her to Riverside Regional Medical Center because they have physicians that specialize in things like this.

As I am riding to Riverside in the car with the chaplain, my mind started racing. I was thinking about my newborn son, and thinking that she has to come out of this.

I started thinking about a future without her and how much I didn’t want to live there. Just all kinds of stuff was running through my head. Then the chaplain told me that our prayer was the first time she had ever spoken in tongues with another military member. That was when I begin to realize the work the God was doing in the lives of the other people who were involved in everything that was going on. It was a rejoicing moment for her because she was able to feel the presence of God in her personal life at a time like this.

When we got to the hospital, another couple from church came and watched the baby for me while I was with my wife. She and another sister from church took care of

They took her up to the ICU and I couldn’t see her for about 3 or 4 hours as they worked on her. My pastor came, her best friend, Latoya-the one that “introduced” us-flew in the next day along with her

FEATURE: A LOVE LIKE NO OTHER mother and my mother. By that night, they let me she her, but they basically said that there was nothing I could do because she was asleep. They gave her propofol, the same medicine that Michael Jackson died from. It puts you in a deep sleep, so much so that you forget or are unaware of what’s going on around you.

The next day, when I got there, I was told that it would take a couple of days to see how much damage was done to her brain or if they could take her off the ventilator. They decided to test her to see if she would respond to me. No response that day. But when I came in the next day, a nurse admitted to me that she didn’t think that Ty was going to make it.

The nurse had actually started crying and went home and prayed for my wife; she was amazed that Ty was still alive after everything that she had been through.

The doctors finally decided to take her off the propofol and she became responsive. As I was holding her hand, they asked her if she could hear my voice and knew who I was, and she nodded her head in agreement. She started to gesture about the baby, but her arms where tied down so she couldn’t snatch her tubes out had she awoken confused. So we asked her just to make sure that was what she was asking, and she nodded her head yes. I assured her the baby was ok, then explained to her what happened to her. Because she was on so much medication, I had to do this every day because she would forget. Which is why she doesn’t remember too much of it now.

She was in the hospital 9 days, but the 3 day in, lungs had healed and tubes in them had fallen out.

The 4th day, we started playing Donald Lawrence’s song ‘I am healed.’ We let that play the remainder of the time she was in the hospital. On the fifth day, they decided to take her off the ventilator to see of she could breathe on her own. They said that patients only last about 15 minutes of the first try, but she did it for about 2 ½ hours, so they decided to take off completely. Soon after, she was able to talk. rd

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I remember looking through her phone one day while she was in the hospital and saw a note that she had written to herself. She said in the note that she wanted her name to be great. She may not remember, but she was asking the Lord to make her name great, not becuase of who she was or what she had done, but because of her testimony. I thought it was

ironic that she would have this prayer that she wrote, 2 or 3 weeks prior to this all happening.

Day six, they moved her to another ward where she could recover. The remaining days, the staff just monitored her to make sure she was healing and recovering well. Her leg was still swollen and hurting, so they wanted to cut it open and let all the fluid out, but decided against it and gave her Coumadin instead, which she was on for about 6 months. It took her about a year to really recover without all the pain and medications.

Ty: In addition to having the blood clot, I contracted a foot fungus. Not sure if it was from the hospital experience or from going to the nail shop, but my toenail had fallen off. I was just in so much pain because I had two things going on at once. While my husband was at work, I used to walk up and down the hall in our apartment and just declare God’s healing.

During this six months while I am healing, I still had to take care of my baby. I was still waking up in the middle of the night to take care of my baby.

I remember my wonderful husband would get up sometimes in the middle of the night and make me a bagel. I wanted it well-toasted, with cream cheese, and applesauce. (she giggles) Nate: Oh, yeah. I remember that. If she had asked for another bagel…

DAMAg: (laughing) Wow. So, I know throughout this whole ordeal, your faith and trust in God has increased. Before that, how was it? Where you saved before you got married?

Ty: I think it increased my prayer life. I got saved at 15, and developed a prayer life. But I fell off. After this experience, I revisited my prayer life, and my commitment to God grew. My appreciation for God grew. I definitely grew as a result of this situation.

How can you not? Either you get bitter or you get better. I believe this situation allowed me to get better.

Nate: Well, going back to Ty, I think God said this is as far as she could go the way He created her originally. I think that God used this situation to re-wire a lot of things inside of her to take her to the next level. You just don’t cheat death like that and come

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out the same person. I think that He took the time to upgrade her OS, geek talk, I think He upgrade her RAM to allow her to go to the a greater level in her life.

As for me, my faith definitely grew. I already had a crazy faith, but going through this gave me a boldness like never before. I know now that if I can ask God to save my wife, anything else that I ask for in His will is a done deal. It got me a lot closer to God than I really wanted to be. Lol. I had to trust that what He was doing was good for my life and the lives of everyone that experienced it. I had to trust that He would bring us through it. I had to trust that He was going to be There is a song that faithful to His word.

only able to carry me so far, and them I was taken to Riverside where they took me all the way. This time I started at Riverside; they considered me high risk because of my past. I was comfortable with the medical staff, I visited them several times a month during my pregnancy. I prayed for them. I prayed for my labor and delivery, and for the staff of the hospital who were there to support me and my husband.

But there were precautions in place to ensure the health and safety of me and the baby. While you are pregnant, your blood clotting factors normally increase. But I have a tendency to clot more than normal. During my pregnancy, I was on medication keep me from says there is power in to clotting too much. I the name of Jesus, but now when I sing it, trusted God, but I made sure that I know in my heart, it means a lot more also I did my part by that just a song. follow my doctor’s So, no, I I had to call on His name to bring back orders. wasn’t nervous.

There is a song that says there is power in the name of Jesus, but now when I sing it, I know in my wife. my heart, it means a lot more that Nate: For me, there ~Nate just a song. I went is always the thought through that experiin the back of my ence, I had to call on His name to bring back my wife. mind that we would have to go through this again.

We had taken a trip back in January that was about a I know that if Ty wasn’t here, my son would be a lot 14 hour ride. When we got home, we thought everyrougher. He definitely needed her; she is what brings thing was fine, but then her leg started tightening up balance to our home. I think it would just be rough again. The next day, she decided to go to the hospion me to try and raise my son without a female pres- tal. Her friend, Alexis, who was also pregnant at the ence around the house. Someone to teach him to be a time took her to Sentara, but they soon sent her back little softer around the edges and how to truly exto Riverside. By the time I got there, her leg looked press love and emotion. I thank God that He didn’t exactly like it did the first time. Her whole leg was take his mother, my wife. swollen, hard as a rock, she couldn’t move it; she didn’t want anyone to touch it, it was the same thing DMag: Amen. Baby number 2 is here! Were you ner- all over again. All I kept thinking was, no, not again. vous at all or fearful that something like this would happen again?

So, it’s looking like we are about to go through this whole thing again. They took her back and she just Ty: Yes! Baby number 2. The physicians at the hospi- started speaking in tongues and calling on the name tal made me very comfortable. This second pregnan- of Jesus. But we already knew what the deal was, cy was a surprise as well, a very welcome one, but a they took her and did an ultrasound and sonogram to surprise nonetheless. Here it is three years later, and try and find where the clot was. Once they found it, I’m pregnant. I wanted another son, for my son. I they gave her medicine, and she was good. prayed, and had my son pray. And God answered our prayers. I was not nervous. I fell confident at where Ty: Yep, as soon as I got that medicine, I breathed a God has me. I’m at the same hospital that nursed me sigh of relief. It immediately began to feel better. back to health before, Riverside. Langley AFB was WWW.DOMINIONAUTHORITYMAGAZINE.COM 21

FEATURE: A LOVE LIKE NO OTHER Nate: She was in the hospital for about two or three days while they monitored her to make sure that the blood clot dissolved.

Ty: They wanted to put a filter in my heart, just in case, to keep the blood clot from entering. But before a decision was made, we went over the risks with the doctor. He showed me what it was that they were going to use; it looked like a spider. It had prongs that are designed to catch any blood clots. The doctor explained what it was made of and said that there is a possibility that one of the prongs could break off and get into your heart.

My husband and I decided that we were not comfortable with this and decided against it. We thanked him for the information, but told him that we were not comfortable with the procedure. The risks alone, were too much for us; on top of that, it was not permanent, so at some point, I would need to go back in and have it removed. No, thank you.

had to go through some hoops. But just being active duty, I missed a lot of the first two years of my son’s life.

DAMag: So how did this whole expeience affect your marriage?

Nate: Oh, it made it stronger. She’s my ride or die.

Ty: Apparently you are too. Lol. I’m amazied by his love for me. Sometimes I wonder why he loves me so much. But I realized that he is ride or die. I don’t know if I would be able to do what he did. Cause if it was me, I would have been all to pieces. (laughing)

GOD IS A HEALER! ~TYESE

Nate: She was going to get that filter, but they had to do X-rays to see where to place it, but since she was pregnant, the risk to the baby was greater because she was still in her first trimester. So that was the real deciding factor.

But yeah, there was always the thought there that something would go wrong. But we just decided to take the medication and pray.

DAMag: Ty, do you feel like you missed out on any bonding time with lil Nate as a result of this experience?

Ty: Nope. I don’t. Well, the 10 days I was in the hospital, I missed that. By the time I got home, my baby had ballooned in size. The women that were taking care of him, took GOOD care of him. He was very plump. He was WELL FED during those 10 days.

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Nate: I missed the whole recovery time. I had to go back out to sea about two weeks after she came back home. I had to almost beg my leadership to let me stay home to take care of my wife. It was crazy, I

It’s definitely been an interesting ride. I am just so thankful.

DAMag: What have you learned throughout this experience, tangibly?

Ty: That God is a healer. I was in God’s face. I wanted to be well. I wanted to clean my own house.

I wanted to be able to take care of my baby without help. I appreciated the help, but I waned to be able to take care of my family. I wanted to take a bath without pain.

I became that woman in the bible that was persistent in going to the unjust king. She was just very persistent about what she wanted. He didn’t bless her because he was so righteous; he blessed her because she got on his nerves. So I just preceded to beat down God’s door because I just knew that He was a healer.

Nate: I learned that I am a lot stronger than I thought I was. I think that if it was any other man that didn’t know Jesus, he would have just fallen apart. But I think that my faith in Christ was strengthened, it took me to another level. I sometimes think that I was dragging my feet for so long about going to the next level that God wanted me to be at, that He allowed this to happen to push me there.

Ty: I think another thing I realized is that so many people love me. My biological father came to see me.

When I woke up in the hospital and saw him, all I

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could say was “Handsome.” I learned how many people really loved me. My mom had a lot of favor with her boss. When she told her boss that she had to come here to see me, and she didn’t have any money, he gave it to her. So many people reached out to our family because they love us. So many people were praying for us.

Nate: When you are going through something like this, you really see who is there for you. There were four or five couples that weren’t pregnant at the time, but were instrumental in supporting us, that now all have children or have one on the way. This was within the first year after our ordeal.

The church came through, we never had to worry about eating or anything, We have so much support that at one point I was ready for everyone to get out of my house. (laughing) The support was appreciated, but you get to a point where you just wanted it to be you and your own. We had so many people come by and help, it was crazy. We were first time parents, so it was nerve racking. But we were extrememly

grateful to each and ever person that played a role in carrying for our family during this time.

DAMAg: Amen! To God be the glory! Thank you do much for allowing me to share your story. It is definitely a powerful message!

Nate and Tyese now have two healthy boys. Tyese has not suffered any extensive medical issues as a result of her experience; no brain damage, no diminished functionality or anything, and neither have any of her children. They both remain on fire for God and pray that their story encourages everyone who hears it that God is a healer! <>

Follow Nate and Tyese: @Nathan_Cintron on Facebook and Twitter or email them at tynate212@yahoo.com or Ty_samone@yahoo.com.

Eph 6:11 Follow us on Facebook @WillYouStand

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Published by RAM Legacy, LLC Š 2013

INSPIRATION

GOD’S RESURRECTION POWER do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater

S

ome of us want to have the capacity for a greater

things than these, because I am going to the Father.”(NIV)

level of empowerment in our everyday lives. We want the upper hand over our co-workers, to get

The disciples witnessed several miracles performed by Je-

that desired promotion. We crave more purchasing power

sus. Jesus healed sick people, gave sight to the blind, cast

through a sale or a credit line increase. We want power over

out demons, changed water in wine, fed the multitudes with

the negotiations with the salesman so that we can get

two fish and five loaves of bread, raised the dead and count-

the best deal on a new vehicle. We want the will to not eat

less other powerful acts! Now was the time for them to act

that extra slice of pie at the dinner table. Christians and

on what they professed to believe. “Therefore go and make

non-Christians alike are capable of having and utilizing more

disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the

authority and control over what goes on in their lives. A

Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching

popular saying among church goers is “prayer is the key and

them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely

faith unlocks the door.” Prayer, offered to God, in the Name

I am with you always, the very end of the age”, Matthew

of His only Son, Jesus when done in faith, is the beginning of

28:19-20 (NIV). The Believer understands that God is the

the acquisition of real power.

one who holds true power.

There is something, however, that sets us apart in the quest

The greatest thing, I think, the disciples saw was a crucified,

for influence. Matthew 28:18 says, “Then Jesus came to

dead, buried and risen Jesus! Jesus did exactly what He told

them and said, ‘All authority in heaven and on earth has been

them He would do! Matthew 16:21 tells us that “From that

given to me.’” Jesus told this to his disciples before He

time on Jesus began to explain to his disciples that he must

gave to them the Great Commission. The disciples followed,

go to Jerusalem and suffer many things at the hands of the

observed and learned from Jesus for three years. Jesus

elders, the chief priests and the teachers of the law, and

imparted to them many things that would equip them for

that he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life.”

the Kingdom work that lay ahead of them. Jesus said in

His finished work on the Cross of Calvary through His son

John 14:12: “Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will

Jesus is the catalyst for our belief, faith and trust. It is the

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key to knowing this: If we really desire power, we must ask

are done in the Name of Jesus. We use the Name of Jesus

Him for it. Equally important is that we understand when,

because He is the source. The power comes from Him! Jesus

where and how to properly wield this power.

said in Mark 16:17-18 (NKJV), “And these signs will follow those who believe: In My name they will cast out demons;

Jesus told his disciples in Luke 10:19 “I have given you au-

they will speak with new tongues; they will take up serpents;

thority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome

and if they drink anything deadly, it will by no means hurt

all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you” (NIV). Dan-

them; they will lay hands on the sick, and they will recover.”

iel 11:32b says that “the people that know their God shall

We need to have faith when using our God given power. 2 Tim.

be strong, and do exploits” (ASV). Our mere knowledge of

1:12, says Apostle Paul knew “…in whom he believed.”

and association with God gives us the power to prevail, take action, stand strong, succeed, prosper, fight back and do all

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to go. Do you

sorts of great things! That’s power indeed! Wow, think of

believe that God sent His only begotten Son simply because

the endless possibilities of who we could influence and what

He loved you? Then go. Have you confessed Jesus Christ as

we could accomplish. Just like Jesus, we could lay hands on

your Lord and Savior? Then go. Have you received the gift

the sick and see them recover, speak to the mountain and

of the Holy Ghost with the evidence of speaking in other

tell it to move, bind and loose and rebuke foul unclean things;

tongues? Then go. Finally, has God done something for you

but we must believe!

that you are bursting at the seams to tell someone? Then go. Jesus has commissioned you. <>

Jesus said in Matthew 18:18, “Assuredly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.” This is how Kingdom living is done! Kingdom dwellers, i.e. children of God have authority and take dominion! Anything and everything that is opposed to or anti-Christ can essentially be removed from our lives! What amazing ability that God is willing to share with us. We must, however, not take credit for what we do it the Name of Jesus. We owe that credit and glory to God. It belongs to Him. Consumers use credit cards in place of cash. The credit card issuer may be Bank of America or Chase Bank. No matter the name of the bank, if they are the credit source (essentially a form of currency) and the bank is in their name, and we use their money, then we owe them

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for the power to purchase. There is a reason these things Published by RAM Legacy, LLC © 2013

Dawn Denise Hale is the Founder and Director of Kids Clothing Network. She is an Early Childhood Special Educator and mother of one adult son. She lives and serves in Hampton Roads, VA. For more info, email her at 1newdaydawning@gmail.com

EDUCATION

KEEP RUNNING YOUR

RACE...

T

o start this issue’s article, I must start with sharing a bit of background about myself. I was blessed to grow up in a home with both of my parents. I have two strong, wonderful parents who highly value education. While their educational paths differed, their devotion to ensuring that their children were successful in school and in life were things that were completely agreed upon.

I cannot tell you how many times my mother made us work, work, and work! She was a teacher, both in school and at home, and would supplement our work if she perceived that our assignments were not rigorous enough. We spent hours in the library during summer vacation reading and analyzing. I cannot recount how many times my father told us what would happen if we didn’t use our time wisely as students. He shared the struggles he had during his educational career. He also shared how those struggles prevented him from completing his college studies. Thus, somewhere between my birth and my entrance into school,

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those lessons made sense and resulted in my pursuit of all things educational with an unquenchable fervor.

While in and of themselves those desires were good, I also had to deal with some not so good consequences. I was slightly ostracized, sometimes bullied, called a “nerd,” and not really even marginally popular until high school and only then because I found other “nerds” who banded together to form cliques of awesomeness. My siblings, who are highly intelligent themselves, did not typically share my affinity for school and education. My sister was often smarter than her teachers and made it her business to tell them so. My brother often feigned illness every time he had to do any reading that was not related to sports, specifically basketball. Isn’t it obvious that we were an interesting bunch? My parents were the glue that held us together. They decided what was valuable and needed instilling. And they governed their home accordingly by firmly leading and guiding us, by declaring, “as for me and

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my household, we will serve the LORD!” (Joshua 24:15). Newsflash: serving the Lord is not solely for the “church house.” As a matter of fact, I daresay it is more appropriate outside of the “church house” and definitely in the school house. How do we serve God? By walking in excellence in EVERY area of our lives. THIS is dominion authority, indeed.

This is where the challenge is issued for you, reader. Let me preface this conversation by stating that it truly is not about where you start, but how you finish. Parents, this means that if you have not taken time to sow values into your children, such as hard work, perseverance, working towards academic success and goals, start NOW! Students, this means that if you have not worked hard to excel academically and find yourself doing poorly or marginally well this semester, start NOW! It is never too late. God is indeed a restorer of all and consistently gives grace, even when we are unworthy. He wants you to be a walking demonstration of his glory. That means your children are blessings at school, leaders who others follow. Teachers are amazed and wonder what you are doing at home! You serve on the school board and the PTA. You are actively involved in your child’s or children’s academic development.

Being the light is not just merely a Matthew 5 commandment. We glorify God when we are the best. Why? Because we make the name of Jesus great.

I know that this article is more editorial opinion than directive this month and I want you to know that is something deliberate. There is always an authority that can tell you exactly how and what to do. Unfortunately, we have allowed these socalled authorities to govern far more than they should. That can also include well meaning teachers and educational professionals. While I am all of the above, I think it best to remind you that the Holy Spirit is the one who leads you and guides you into all truth. Parents, have you consulted him about your child’s education? Students, have you asked him to lead you and guide you in what to do at school and concerning school? As I run this race and look unto Jesus, I am excited about seeing parents, teachers, and students empow-

ered to be a shining example of who Jesus really is. Let’s challenge ourselves and each other in this area. BE the light and shine in EVERY area of this Christian race. I leave you with a few scriptures that help me stay intentionally focused and am praying for each of you as you think critically, dream bigger, and work harder as a disciple of Jesus Christ! Keep the faith, run the race, watch God work! <> I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith! 2 Timothy 4:7 Again I saw that under the sun the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, nor bread to the wise, nor riches to the intelligent, nor favor to those with knowledge, but time and chance happen to them all. Ecclesiastes 9:11 And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. Philippians 1:6

Follow Autem Clay on Twitter:

@claynation18_6

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Rebecca Givens is a single mom of two beautiful daughters and currently resides in Hampton, VA. Born and raised in Youngstown, OH, she is the youngest of nine children. With 7 older brothers and 1 older sister, it’s safe to say that her love for children and being surrounded by them comes from her very large family. Rebecca currently owns and operates Rising Stars Daycare & Learning Center, a State Licensed family Home Daycare Center that provides care to children ages 1-12. To become a better director and teacher she obtained her Child Development Associate (CDA) certification from the Robertson Educational Institute in Newport News, VA.

Although her nephew, Jeffrey Givens Jr. was the motivation behind Uh-Oh Jeffrey, it is

also intended to motivate and encourage daycare providers, preschool teachers and parents. Rebecca often hears people speaking about how “bad” their children are behaving and believes that in almost every case, once having reviewed what lead up to the child’s actions, the adult was at fault. She believes that teachers, daycare providers and parents should always be prepared before engaging in any activity with children. As you see in Uh-Oh Jeffrey, being unprepared can lead to a very exhausting day!

For copies of Uh Oh Jeffrey! or more information about Rising-Stars Daycare and Learning Center, log on to: www.risingstars-daycare.com

FAITH

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I, _____, take you ______, to be my lawful wedded husband/ wife. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish,

’TILL DEATH DO US PART. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.

BY RANIESA GRAY-JOHNSON

M

any of us say and recite these words at our wedding ceremony without really understanding the depth and significance of them. Many of us hear them and get nostalgic at the thought of getting married and all the good that comes with the title. But many of us also fail to realize that these words are an outward confession before God and man that you will be there through the good AND the bad!!! Yes, there are many bad things that can happen; jobless, abuse, infidelity, childlessness. And although all of those situations are extremely stressful and difficult to overcome, many people fail to realize the impact and magnitude that death can bring. I was unfortunate enough to have to deal with this at a very young age. I will say that it was the HARDEST thing that I have ever had to deal with in my life and it has taken me a LONG time to do so. My prayer is that my words here will not only bring light to the turmoil and severity of grief, but encouragement for someone that not all days will be crying days and that it is okay to let go. It is a continual

process, but the day will come when you can smile genuinely again.

I remember it as clearly as if it happened yesterday. I was talking to my sponsor while in-processing at my very first duty station after completing Army basic training. He asked if I had any family coming and I proudly and confidently replied that my husband was only a few hours away.

He was driving from Virginia to Georgia in our brand new car. We had only been married five months and I spent four of those in Army training. We were excited to start our life together, young, full of expectation, and ready for the world. Little did I know, that at that very moment while I was allowing myself to fly forward into our future in my imagination, he was hurdling uncontrollably into the opposite direction of traffic into the direct path of two tractor trailers. The impact was fatal, so he felt no pain.

At least, that is what they told me. But how could I not torment myself for the next several years over the fact that

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FAITH

he probably knew that things weren’t going to end well as he watched himself barreling towards those trucks, fighting to control the wheel. The consultation; as if it were a prize, they said, was that he was not drunk, speeding, sleepy, or distracted. REALLY?!?! Was that supposed to make me feel better?!?!?

To add insult to injury, I did not even find out about the accident until 12 hours later when I called my dad after my husband did not show up at the time we had discussed.

Maybe he got lost? Or stopped somewhere to rest and would be there a little later. The furthest thing from my mind was that something as horrible as a car accident would take him from me. My father was near hysteria when I called him. You see, the authorities assumed that I was also in the car and spent several hours attempting to find my body, which they thought was thrown from the car. Because we were moving, my husband had many of my things in the car with him, which lead the authorities to think that I was with him. The last time I saw my husband was from the window of the airport as he was waving goodbye to me as my flight was taking off. I remember begging him to let me stay and make the drive with him and him insisting that I needed to sign in on time and not be delayed. This was my first duty station and he wanted to make sure that I made a good impression on my leadership. I can’t tell you how many times I prayed and wished that I had insisted on not leaving him. I beat myself up for years about how if I had been with him, the accident may not have happened or at least we would have died together…

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Little did I know that finding out about the accident was the easy part. The next 14 years, I spent blaming myself, cursing myself, and sabotaging my own success because I didn’t feel worthy to live. Why should I be successful or find happiness when he died? I let guilt tell me that I had no right to find love anywhere else, and I let the world tell me how I should mourn and react to his death. For years, I ran away from close relationships and ostracized myself from friends and family for fear that if I cared too much about anyone, then they would suffer the same fate. You see, I had convinced myself that I was the reason he died.

It was all my fault. And if anyone ever found out then the same thing would happen to them. I played over and over in my head horrible scenarios of the people I knew dying in plane crashes and car accidents. And when I had children, I became paralyzed with fear that they would die soon as well. I never wanted to have them out of my sight.

No, they couldn’t visit family, friends, or any one else.

They couldn’t have friends over because I didn’t want to be responsible if something happened to another child under my watch. Oh, and that was just the beginning.

Success became something that I never took seriously because I had convinced myself that just living each day was enough punishment for me. That is what I was doing.

I had been punishing myself for his death. He was his mother’s oldest child, only son, and the first grandchild.

He was the love of his entire family and anyone else who knew him. Yet he chose me, a nobody. I never felt special growing up, yet in high school, he thought I was the most beautiful girl in the world. But why did I have to take him from his family?!?! If he had never married me, if he had never left to be with me, if we had never met…then he would still be alive today. This guilt wracked my emotions so badly that I even stayed away from his family feeling that they hated me and had every right to. I took away their son, their brother, their nephew, their cousin. I was the enemy.

I sought counseling at one point. But that only made things worse. The first counselor that I saw was in remission of her cancer when we started our sessions. Sadly, within 3 months of meeting with her, the cancer came back with a vengeance and claimed her life. If that wasn’t enough to shake my already frail mental and emotional state, the exact same thing happened with the next counselor I saw!! I am not sure if she lived because as soon as she told me the cancer was back, I stopped seeing her hoping that my bad luck would fall off of her. I would not be able to handle the thought of someone else dying because of me. I know that sounds ridiculous, but this is the reality of where I was at the time. I couldn’t see and understand that these circumstances had nothing to do with me. All I could see was that I was the common denominator.

We got married young. I was 17 and he was 18. I was not old enough or mature enough to understand that “’til death do us part” meant exactly that. So every time I started a new relationship, I began to feel like I was cheating on my husband. I never gave any of them a fighting chance. I didn’t deserve happiness, and on top of that, how was I going to explain this new man to my husband when we all died and got to heaven. I would imagine my husband

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being furious and hurt that I had moved on and found someone new. How could I so easily replace him? What happened to all the love I proclaimed? This was the hardest part for me. How could I truly move on? I had pledged my life to this man, and I took those vows seriously. Every year, I forced myself to relive the agony of his death in order to stay focused on why I could never let him go. I had convinced myself that this is how I am supposed to feel, to live. I am NEVER supposed to forget. Yet that is exactly what started to happen…

I started to forget his voice, his touch, his face. And I became angry at myself all over again for not holding up my end of the deal. He died, the least I could do is remember him!! Yes, I still have pictures of him, but I shouldn’t have to look at a picture to remember the man that I professed before God, and man, to love for eternity. But that’s it.

That’s the revelation that I overlooked. I didn’t promise eternity. I vowed “til death”. ‘Til death do us part’ means that when he died, my vow was broken. That wasn’t a bad thing, it just meant that it was just over. It is okay to forget sometimes. I don’t expect to remember him exactly when I am 50. And he doesn’t care at this point, because he is GONE. Forever. He is no longer of this world. And truth be told, because he loved me so much, he would be hurt to know how much I put myself through all of these years.

He would not want me to be still holding on to him like this. He would hug me and kiss me and tell me that it is okay and it is time to let him go.

NEVER forget you Frederick Antwan Johnson, I can no longer mourn your death, I must celebrate your life. Every year the guilt of possibly forgetting you and how much you meant to me; yet not being able to visit your grave as I’d like to, has kept me from letting you go. I cannot continue to allow that devil to hold me hostage, stuck in the past.

I love you and will never forget you, but I know in my heart that you are laying in God’s bosom, resting in peace.

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This is, and will most likely be the hardest, most personal article that I have ever and will ever write. But someone needs to hear it. My pain, my hurt, my past was not just for me to suffer, but to help someone else come out of their dark place. My prayer is that by reading this, you find your way out, and finally begin to accept the healing that God has long since offered you. It really is as simple as saying, “Yes, Lord.”

The bible says to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. So that is where he is, with God. Probably praying and making intercession for me. Pleading with Jesus to ask His father to send peace to my heart. Asking him to deliver me because for such a long time, I couldn’t see for myself that I needed deliverance. Even now, as I type this, there are no tears falling. For the time for tears has long since passed. I thank and praise God that I was able to love him and cherish him for the time that he was with me, but he is gone now and I have to make room in my heart for the blessing that God has for me. In order to do that, I have to serve an eviction notice to the guilt and fear that has lived there for so long. As the Apostle Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 15:55 “…Death has been swallowed in victory…O Death, where is your sting?…”

It’s been 16 years since I lost my first love. In the years past, I have always dreaded the anniversary of his death because it conjured old feelings of loss, pain, heartache, and longing. This day always reminded me of the happiness I lost and feared that I would never find again. This day has always had me regretful and depressed. But the time has come for me to let it go. I can no longer cry for him and wish things were different. He is gone and no matter how much I try, I cannot bring him back. Although I will

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