Preview: The Thriver Workbook by Donna Gentile Creative

Thriver

Workbook

Journey from victim to survivor to thriver! by SusanM.Omilian Award-Winning Originator and Facilitator of My Avenging Angel WorkshopsTM

For Women Who Have Been Abused to Reclaim Their Lives

Butterfly Bliss Productions LLC | West Hartford, Connecticut

THE THRIVER WORKBOOK Journey from Victim to Survivor to Thriver! A portion of the proceeds of this book will be donated to services for women and children who have experienced abuse and violence. © Copyright 2010 by Susan M. Omilian. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by an information storage and retrieval system — except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review to be printed in a magazine, newspaper or on the Web — without permission in writing from the publisher. For information, contact Butterfly Bliss Productions LLC, P.O. Box 330482, West Hartford, CT 06133 or email susan@thriverzone.com. ISBN # 978-0-9842509-0-5 Book cover illustration and design, book interior design and author photo on back cover by Donna Gentile Creative, donnagentilecreative.com Maggie’s photo by Joe Sherman, photographicartistry.net

Butterfly Bliss Productions LLC P.O. Box 330482, West Hartford, CT 06133 butterflyblissproductions.com This workbook is available at quantity discounts for bulk purchase. Worksheets may be reproduced with credit to Susan Omilian and The Thriver Workbook. For permission to reproduce other content from this workbook, please contact Butterfly Bliss Productions LLC. Visit us online at: thriverzone.com thethriverworkbook.com myavengingangel.com

Dedicated to my niece

Maggie Lynn Wardle 1980-1999

with the hope that this book will inspire women, as her amazing life and tragic death has inspired me to become the person I have always wanted to be. Maggie would have been outraged by the way she died. I call upon her every day to help me put down my mantle of grief, dream my wildest dreams and not let my fears hold me back. For me, this is Maggie’s legacy!

— SusanM.Omilian Living well is the best revenge! — George Herbert Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant! — Maya Angelou

Acknowledgments On September 20, 2004, I received the Woman of Character Award from The Hartford Courant and the Hoffman Auto Group in recognition of my work since 2001 as the originator and facilitator of the My Avenging Angel Workshops.TM Before I was to receive the award in front of about 1,000 people at the Bushnell Theater in Hartford, Connecticut, I chatted backstage with Brad Hoffman, CEO of Hoffman Auto Group. He asked me if there was anyone out in the audience with me tonight. I told him yes, that my family and friends were there, and then I joked, “You know, my fan club.” He smiled, but I don’t think he quite believed me until, out on stage, he introduced me and suddenly a roar came up from the audience. As I got to the podium, he quipped, “You really do have a fan club!” Now, with the publication of this book, that same fan club has been behind me all the way and I’m taking on new members every day. I am so grateful! THANK YOU to everyone who has made this book possible! I want to thank my brother Rick and sister-in-law Martha, who as Maggie’s stepfather and mother, have been fellow travelers with me on this amazing journey. I also want to thank my brother Frank and sister-in-law Cathie, my sister Elaine and brother-in-law Wally, and my niece Lindsey. I wish Mom and Dad could be here, too, to share this moment, but my extended family — my wonderful aunts, uncles and cousins — are all very special to me. You have supported me with your love, your faith in me and your great generosity of spirit. To my friends, including Toni, Robin, Bob, Tony, Tina, Radha Jill, Ken, Jennifer, Diana, Kathy and Bill, Yvonne and Carl, Brooke and Mike, Essie, JoAnn, Sue, Elinor and Susan, a spiritual advisor too, I couldn’t have done this without all of you. For those who understand the journey of losing a loved one to violence, I thank Shirley and Larry, Anne and Fred, and Jack for being my mentors and friends. To the International Women’s Writing Guild (IWWG) and all those who have helped me with my writing, including Liz, Jennie, Paula, Zita, Jen and Faye, thank you! To all my writing students, especially Cheryl, Joanie, Pat, Phyllis, Kristin, Dianne and Dennis, you have inspired me with your courage. A thank you to those who have supported the My Avenging Angel WorkshopsTM — including Patricia McIntosh, Dr. Linda Taylor, Danica Delgado, Monica Fowler and everyone at Hartford Hospital Health Referral Line. Thanks to the staff of Interval House, including Jenna, Cecile, Libby, Penni, Louisa, Iris, and Shanthi for their support. To Maggie’s friends and fellow students who have been on this journey with me since Kalamazoo College in 1999, thanks for your love and support, especially Heidi, Mandy and Stephanie. Special thanks to Allie Roth at the Center for Creativity and Work (www.allieroth.com), whose coaching and Discovering Your Soul’s Work seminars helped me find inspiration in my own peak experiences and discover the work I love and was born to do. And to Emily Hanlon (www.thefictionwritersjourney.com), who has helped me tame my Inner Critic and believe in myself and my abilities, thank YOU! I am a writer!! For all the women who have come to one of my workshops, I admire your courage, persistence and refusal to let what has happened to you define who you are. A special thank you to those Archangels who agreed to appear in this book, including Susy, Donna, Betsy, Sophia, Bethany and Vanessa. Thanks to the amazing women who have shared their success stories — Pat, Dot, Cecile, Brenda, Samantha and Cynthia — and the other “thrivers” in my life, Anita, Connie and Kathryn, who have shared the journey with me. You are the best! To Donna Gentile, amazing photographer and graphic artist… THANK YOU! To Claudia Volkman for her keen eye in proofreading this book and to Bill Brescia and his crew at Brescia Printing, thanks for the great work. Most of all, thanks to everyone who put their faith in me and let me share your journey as you have shared mine to discover the life we were destined to live and the work that we were born to do. There is no greater gift! I am truly blessed!

— Susan M.Omilian

About the Author Susan M. Omilian is the awardwinning originator and facilitator of the My Avenging Angel WorkshopsTM based on the idea that “living well is the best revenge.” These workshops provide the critical “next step” for women to break permanently out of the cycle of violence, reclaim their lives after abuse and take the journey from victim to survivor to thriver. Described as “life-changing” by participants and as “a component for women recovering from abuse that has been virtually overlooked,” Susan’s workshops were inspired by the death of her niece, Maggie, a nineteen-year-old college student, who was murdered in October, 1999, by her ex-boyfriend who then killed himself. Since Maggie’s moment of realizing that she was emotionally abused by the man who killed her was also her moment of death, Susan wanted to help other women move on after abuse and create a new life for themselves and their children. For her work, Susan has received the 2004 Woman of Character Award presented by The Hartford Courant and Hoffman Auto Group, an award that recognizes women who have the courage and compassion to change their communities. She was also featured in the 2005 Women Who Make A Difference calendar of the Greater Hartford Section of the National Council of Jewish Women (NCJW ) and received the 2005 Women Making a Difference Award from the Greater Hartford Soroptomist, a women’s service organization, for her innovative work on behalf of women. In June, 2008, she was also recognized by the Connecticut Coalition Against Domestic Violence (CCADV ) with its 30 Years, 30 Leaders Award. An attorney, Susan has worked extensively as an advocate to end violence against women for the past thirty-five years. In the 1970s, she founded a

rape crisis center, represented battered women in divorce proceedings in the early 1980s and was one of the women lawyers who helped articulate the legal concept that made sexual harassment illegal in the 1990s. Today, she is the published author of three books on sex discrimination law as well as numerous articles and essays on women’s issues for newspapers and magazines. With Maggie’s death, Susan’s work to end violence against women became more personal and immediate. The heart of that work since 2001 has been the My Avenging Angel WorkshopsTM that she created and conducts free of charge for the nearly 12 million women in the United States who will be abused in their lifetimes. The workshops offer women tools and techniques to help them move forward and permanently break the cycle of violence in their lives. The Thriver Workbook: Journey from Victim to Survivor to Thriver! includes the motivational guidance she has successfully used in her workshops. With simple, easy-to-use work sheets, invigorating writing exercises and inspirational success stories, the workbook provides a “road map” for the Journey to the Real YOU! TM so that women can thrive after abuse. Susan envisions that the millions of women in this country who have faced violence and abuse, as well as their families, friends, counselors, therapists and health care providers, will find her cutting-edge work innovative, groundbreaking and invaluable. For more information about Susan and how you can bring one of her workshops to your area, visit www.myavengingangel.com.

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The Thriver Workbook

| Journey from Victim to Survivor to Thriver!

Contents

Page Why I Wrote This Book . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 Preface: The Journey of This Book . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3 Introduction: Preparing for Your Journey . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 Part One: Beginning The Journey

One

Letting Our Right Brains Come Out to Play . . . . . . . . 27

Two

Fairy Tales Can Come True . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33

Three

Quieting the Inner Critic . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39

Contacting the Happy Person Inside You . . . . . . . . . 43

Four

Part Two: Discovering Yourself

Five

Finding the “Real You” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 51

Six

Fueling Our Lives with Positive Energy . . . . . . . . . . 61

Seven

Manifesting What We Desire . . . . . . . . . . . . . 67

Eight

Overcoming Our Fears, Taking the Risk . . . . . . . . . . 75

Part Three: Envisioning and Embracing the Future

Nine

Seeing Positive Patterns in Our Lives . . . . . . . . . . 85

Ten

Setting New Goals to Thrive . . . . . . . . . . . . . 91

Eleven

Sustaining Our Positive Energy . . . . . . . . . . . . 99

Part Four: Success Stories Twelve

Profile of a Thriver . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 107

Thirteen

Meet the Thrivers! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 131

Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 141 More About the Author . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

143

The My Avenging Angel WorkshopsTM Program . . . . . . . . . . . 144 Comment and Feedback Sheet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 145 Angel Journal Cover . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 149

X Use this page to sketch, make notes or journal. Have fun!

Why I Wrote This Book Grieve not nor speak of me with tears but laugh and talk of me as though I were beside you. I loved you so. `Twas Heaven here with you.

— Old Irish saying and the epitaph on Maggie’s grave

n the early morning hours of October 18, 1999, I got a phone call from my sister.

“It’s Maggie,” she said, her voice

trembling. “She’s been shot. She’s dead.”

I couldn’t believe it. Maggie, my

brother’s nineteen-year-old stepdaughter,

had been murdered at school by her ex-boyfriend who then killed himself. It was another senseless act

of violence but this time, Maggie – our Maggie – was dead. In my heart, I knew I had already felt loss in

my life, but this was different. Shock, guilt and the

cry for revenge welled up inside me, but who could I blame? Surely someone should have saved Maggie.

Oddly enough, I saw signs of my own recovery

decides to leave the abuse. I realized that

Maggie did not live beyond her moment, but suddenly I imagined myself working

with other women who could transform

their lives after abuse. After all, wasn’t getting on with one’s life the most exacting revenge against a man who had

tried to bend that woman to his will?

My heart is moved by all that I cannot save: so much has been destroyed. I have to cast my lot with those who, age after age, perversely with no extraordinary power, reconstitute the world. – Adrienne Rich

in Maggie’s death. I had worked for years as an attorney advocating for women’s rights, but Maggie’s death made working to end violence

against women more personal and very immediate

for me. If this could happen to my family and to Maggie, it could happen to anyone. But what was I being called to do?

One morning it came to me. I was thinking

By then I could see that for those of us who

face a “life-altering event” such as abuse, the death

of a loved one, divorce or the loss of a job, there is either a road to recovery that brings new vigor and

purpose to our lives or a spiraling down into anger, depression and hopelessness.

about the power of the moment when a woman The Thriver Workbook

| Why I Wrote This Book

Suddenly I realized that I had stumbled onto a more productive path, one where I could: • • • • I am no longer content to live a private life and concern myself only with affairs that I perceive to affect me. The things I do in my public life can make a difference. I foresee myself raising a family eventually and I do not want to pass on to them a world which I have made no attempt to better. ~ Reflections by Maggie in a college school paper

discover opportunity in what felt like loss, focus on positive emotions to move me forward, celebrate the life I had, living in the present, not past, and, dare to create the life I so richly deserved.

How could I work with women who had been abused so that they too could be similarly transformed? Slowly I envisioned a workshop, inspired by the quote, “Living well is the best revenge.” Sure I wanted to avenge Maggie’s death, but with a lighter touch like an angel’s and without anger or recrimination. So I coined the name "My Avenging Angel,” and I saw the workshops as the critical “next step” for women to help them move beyond abuse and restore the positive energy in their lives. Is this work easy? Hardly. I have heard so many stories from women of abuse, betrayal and dashed hopes that I wish I had a magic wand to simply wave away their pain and anguish. They have suffered greatly. At times, their self-esteem is low and they have little belief that their lives will ever get better. But they do have hope. Each time I give them the choice of reliving the abuse and the pain inflicted on them or reaching deep down inside to uncover their true heart’s desires, they do choose the latter. They set goals for themselves that are not only achievable, but also can spur them on to making bigger and better changes for themselves. I can now see that the process of reconnecting to positive energy in one’s life is the movement from victim to survivor to thriver. This is the journey I now travel and teach in the My Avenging Angel WorkshopsTM that I originated after Maggie’s death and have conducted since September, 2001. Through these workshops and now this book based on them, I hope to continue helping women gain a new, more positive perspective on their lives so they can regain their power and reclaim their lives. Having a positive outlook on life is hard for survivors of abuse and loss. It really gets to us sometimes that everyone else seems to have an easier life, a more comfortable journey or a less challenging existence. But now I know that the truest measure of our lives is not what we have experienced, but what we have made of our experiences. We don’t really know how good it can get once we get positive and focus our energies on our future, not the past. Whatever we might have imagined for ourselves is only a fraction of what we can have when we free ourselves to live well, be happy and create the life we want. Then living well is not only the best revenge; it is, in fact, the song of our soul and the fulfillment of all our dreams. For more information about Maggie and her life and death, go to www.ThriverZone.com.

The Thriver Workbook

| Journey from Victim to Survivor to Thriver!

Preface The Journey of This Book

efore October, 1999, when my nineteen-year-old niece was murdered by her ex-boyfriend, Maggie never saw herself as a victim of abuse. Because he had never touched her physically, she missed all the other warning signs that she was in a potentially dangerous relationship. Take a look at the list on the next page, the Warning Signs of an Unhealthy, Abusive Relationship. A list similar to this one was handed out on the college campus a week after Maggie was killed there. When Maggie’s friends saw it, they were shocked to realize that her ex-boyfriend had done everything on that list, including isolating her from her family and friends, except that he never hit her or threatened her physically. No one saw how much danger she was in, not even Maggie. She didn’t realize that his abusive behavior could escalate to violence when she dared to leave him and he refused to accept the termination of their relationship and let her go. (For more about Maggie’s story, see Why I Wrote This Book.) Since Maggie’s moment of realizing she was a victim of abuse was the moment of her death, she did not survive to move on to the healing part of her journey. That is the journey beyond abuse, beyond being a victim or even a survivor. It is the journey to becoming a “thriver,” a healthy, happy person with a brilliant, productive future. I call it the “Journey to the Real YOU! TM ”

Choosing Your Path on the Journey to the Real YOU!TM I see two paths that women who may have experienced abuse can take on the journey to finding the “Real You.”

#1 — For women who have yet to identify themselves as victims of abuse Like Maggie, you may be a woman who has not yet thought of herself as an abused woman or a victim of violence. But if you recognize yourself somewhere on the pages of this book, it is my hope and desire that you will take action to leave an abusive relationship as soon as you safely can or deal with a sexual assault as you may not have in the past. If you haven’t identified yourself as a victim before reading this book, you may need to spend more time in the “victim” stage of your journey, getting yourself safe and expressing a whole range of feelings with a counselor or therapist about how being a victim has been impacted your life.

The Thriver Workbook

| Preface

Warning Signs of an Unhealthy, Abusive Relationship He is controlling, possessive and overly demanding of her time and attention. He appears at times to be two different people: one, charming, loving and kind; the other, abusive, vicious and mean. He has what is called a “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” dual personality. He keeps her on edge, not knowing who he’ll be at any moment. He manipulates what she feels for him and makes her feel bad about herself. He will, at times, be sorry for what he has said and done and will promise never to do it again, but he will also deny, minimize or blame others for his behavior. She will feel it is her fault, that if only she had done something else, pleased him more, been more compliant, she would not be treated this way by him. EMOTIONAL • He insults her, calls her names and belittles her in private and in public with her family and friends. • He isolates her from family and friends, forbidding her to see them or limiting her access to them. • He is jealous of her contact with others, particularly with other men. He exaggerates her relationships with other men, accusing her unfairly of having affairs outside of their relationship. • He wants to know where she is at all times, calling or texting her to find out who she is with. He invades her privacy by checking her cell phone, viewing her email or monitoring her Web pages. • He refuses to accept when she ends the relationship and may stalk her long afterwards. PHYSICAL • He yells, screams and loses his temper easily, sometimes disproportionately over unimportant things. • He destroys her things, kicks or breaks other property, making her fear that he could hurt her, too. • He intimidates her, making her afraid of him by his looks, actions and gestures. • He grabs her, kicks her, slaps her, punches her, strangles her or draws a gun or weapon and threatens to kill her. He harms her pets or threatens to hurt or harm her family or friends. • He stalks her with unwanted phone calls, visits to her house or job and secretly monitors her actions. ECONOMIC • He controls her access to money, even her own money or money she has earned herself. • He refuses to pay bills or let her know about family income, investments or property. • He keeps her from getting or keeping a job, refuses to support their family or children. • He makes all the big decisions, using male privilege to get his way and insisting on rigid gender roles. PSYCHOLOGICAL • She feels like she is going crazy, that his view of the world is not reasonable, but she will have little chance of convincing him otherwise and he demands her absolute loyalty to his way of thinking. • He says he can’t live without her or will kill himself if she leaves, so she fears ending the relationship. • He pushes the relationship too far, too fast and is obsessed with her and wants her for himself. • He has unrealistic expectations and demands, and she feels it is her fault he’s not happy. SEXUAL • He demands to have sex forcibly without her consent with him or with others. • He withdraws sex from her or makes it conditional on her compliance to his demands. • He calls her crude names, implying she is promiscuous and unfaithful sexually to him. Signs of A Healthy Relationship In a healthy relationship, the two people are on an equal footing and they respect, trust and support each other. They are honest with each other and take responsibility for their actions. They are good parents, sharing responsibility in raising their kids. They have an economic partnership in which the best interests of both are considered, and they communicate, negotiate and treat each other fairly. For more information on the Duluth Power and Control Wheel, see www.theduluthmodel.org.

The Thriver Workbook

For immediate crisis intervention services in your local community, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-SAFE (7233) or 800-787-3224 (TTY for the deaf ) and visit www.ndvh.org or the National Sexual Assault Hotline 800-656-HOPE (4673), operated by the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) and visit www.rainn.org. Consult the Resources section of this book for information on how to contact needed services and support. In addition, you may want to explore the books and Web sites in the Resources section of this book regarding Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), an anxiety disorder that some people may experience after being subjected to abuse and trauma. It is reported that 84 percent of women who are abused suffer PTSD and between 22 to 35 percent of the women who visit emergency departments in the United States are there for symptoms related to ongoing abuse. More than one-half of women who are sexually assaulted may develop PTSD, also known as “rape trauma syndrome.” Not everyone who is abused or assaulted will experience PTSD, but its symptoms are easily recognizable and there are counselors who can help you deal with its effects on your life.

# 2 — For women survivors of domestic violence, sexual assault or other abuse You are among the nearly one quarter of the women in the United States, more than 12 million, who will be abused by a current or former partner sometime during your lifetime. Hopefully, this book can help you find a journey beyond what you may have endured in your lifetime as a victim and a survivor of abuse and violence. When I first began to work on violence against women issues many years ago, there were few services to help women identify themselves as victims and survive domestic violence or sexual assault. Few people today realize that it wasn’t until the late 1960s and early 1970s that sexual assault crisis centers were established, and domestic violence programs did not appear until the 1980s. Before that, these crimes against us had no names and few services were available to victims. Today, a whole new generation of women and children will survive domestic violence and sexual assault because of a strong network of crisis intervention services in many communities across this country. Women will identify themselves as victims and receive support to become survivors of abuse. But I believe there is another step for all of us beyond merely surviving, and that is becoming a thriver in spite of what we have experienced.

Crisis Intervention

VICTIM

Support Groups

SURVIVOR

??????????????

THRIVER

While that journey has no official name yet, I offer the term, “violence recovery work,” which is what I believe I am doing with women through my workshops and follow-up activities. See more about the program at the end of this book. Filling in this critical “next-step” on the journey is my goal. Lora, a woman in one of my workshops, describes her journey to surviving and beyond.

The Thriver Workbook

| Preface

“I had done a lot work before I came to Susan’s workshop, attempting to make the best of a bad situation, dressing up my existence and trying to make life choices that wouldn’t victimize me. I knew I was no longer a victim. I had learned how to manage not to be that and had become a survivor. I had spent years as a survivor from childhood emotional, physical, and sexual abuse from my father and a double set of issues from an unsympathetic mother. When I became an adult, I moved away from my family, got some help and began my walk towards a better life, but I was always wearing my ‘survivor’ armor. It defined who I was. The armor was heavy and always seemed part of my life’s equation and limiting circumstances.” What a wonderful description of the “armor” or shell that we as survivors wear as a result of what we have endured. That is exactly what I see when women walk into my workshop for the first time. They are heavily burdened with low self-esteem, emotional fear, shame, guilt and hopelessness, the inevitable impacts of being abused and violated in our society today. Many are depressed, appear lost or are suffering from physical problems, and most are deeply afraid that their lives will never get any better. In this state of mind, they believe, like Lora, that the impacts of abuse and violence will forever define their lives as limited and permanently damaged. Sometimes, this damage is evident by the looks of pain on their faces or in the way they carry their bodies or talk about the future. Still they come to my workshop with the hope that someone, somewhere can make it all better. They’ll even accept a “band-aid” approach, just so the pain, fear and disappointment will stop for some period of time. Lora describes her state of mind coming into my workshop: “When I went to the first session of Susan’s workshop, I didn’t know what to expect. It wasn’t costing me any money, and I would never have been able to go if it had. My expectations were of an open forum where each of us would tell our stories and grieve our sorry existences together with Susan’s support. Luckily, that was not Susan’s intention. Susan’s workshop simply asked me to remove my armor. I was asked to consider a part of me untouched by the abuse. Could this part of me put the abuse aside and motivate me to search for my true passion? I knew this part of myself, not well, but I believed there was a center core that no one had disturbed. Susan encouraged me to invite that part out and talk awhile, dream awhile and grieve our years of separation. Listening to the experiences of others, as well, was key to opening this part of me.”

I call opening up to that part of us that is untouched by the abuse, finding or making contact with the “Real You” or the “Happy Person Inside.”

The Thriver Workbook

| Journey from Victim to Survivor to Thriver!

Moving Beyond Survivor What might motivate you to take the journey to find the “Real You?” Are you really satisfied with merely surviving? Are you, like Lora, really good at surviving? For many years, I did exactly what Lora described. I, too, shielded myself in my survivor armor and waited for the next crisis to hit me. Some of the crises were like small waves crashing against me and I could handle them. Others were a constant barrage of issues and complaints that weighed me down. But some took over my life for days, months, even years and like a tidal wave left emotional wreckage behind.

Having a “Life-Altering” Moment I survived my first major life crisis at age thirty when the man I thought I’d be with the rest of my life divorced me. Then, in between some good times in my life, I was forced to leave jobs that I loved, have friends betray me and was treated badly in the workplace even when my job performance was noted as exceptional. By the time Maggie, my nineteen-year-old niece, was killed in October, 1999, I had almost given up on finding a life different than simply surviving the next crisis. When that next crisis became the violent, horrific death of my niece, something inside me snapped. Maggie’s death set me on my path to finding the work that I was destined to do in this lifetime. It finally answered the question I had been plagued with all my life: “Why am I here on this earth?” In fact, right after Maggie’s death, it became very clear to me that everything I had ever done in my life had come to the moment of her death. Every skill I had learned, every experience I had had, every person I had ever met – it was all in preparation for Maggie’s death and what I would be propelled to do as a result of it. Suddenly, everything made sense. It was a “life-altering” moment! I figured that if something this tragic didn’t get me to my purpose in life, nothing else ever would. Most importantly, I came to see that my journey wasn’t outside of me – something that I had always been waiting for, such as a better job, more money or a meaningful relationship. It was a journey inside me, to find the person I was always meant to be. Ultimately, this terrible tragedy filled me with so much positive energy that it finally taught me to live in the present, not the past, and believe in myself completely. Finally I found that this new, magnificent me saved me. But I didn’t make this transformation simply to save myself. I wanted something really big to happen so that Maggie would not have died in vain. The “big thing” that did happen was that I was now in a position to help others, and I had been wanting to find myself in that kind of moment for a very long, long time. The only question was if I would have the courage to go for it, to find the “Real You” inside me and let her shine out to the whole world!

Embracing the “Real You” To find the inner wisdom and resources to begin this journey, I had to first realize this is work that I will never get done in this lifetime. In fact, I hope I never get it done. Every day, I happily embrace the new challenges in my life and work to find the courage not to be afraid as I take them on. Before Maggie’s death, questions like “Why do bad things always happen to me?” haunted me. Now each day, I ask myself instead, “What have you accomplished today that is meaningful and helpful to another human being?” Discovering that the “Real You” is the spirit inside me was a surprise. I had never seen myself as spiritual before Maggie’s death. But with her death, I was able to strip away that what is false and limiting about me. I touched the essence of what I am and who I was meant to be in this lifetime, and that discovery The Thriver Workbook

| Preface

has given me great joy. As crazy as it may sound, with Maggie’s death I was given a gift. It was a wake-up call for me to stop focusing on what was missing in my life and find something good to hold on to. What I also realized in this huge spiritual transformation I undertook was that “spiritual” is not the same as “religious.” Even though I was raised Catholic, I had never before felt that kind of spirituality through my religious beliefs. Now I know that I am on a spiritual journey that has led me to do meaningful work and find a community of like-minded individuals who have a similar life purpose. Today, my personal Mission Statement reflects that feeling. It reads: “I am a woman of power whose mission in life is to be a catalyst for change for victims of violence against women. Today I celebrate my life by building a community of strong, independent, productive women who have survived abuse and are thriving in well-being, love and joy.”

This is my life, who I truly am, and, for the first time, I am happy. I am thriving, despite what happened to me. I am living the life I had always imagined I would. I wish I could tell you how great it feels, but there are no words to describe it. Later in Chapter 1, Letting Our Right Brains Come Out to Play, you will learn why it is so difficult to describe in words the feelings of ecstasy and joy. Even those words are inadequate! But I can say that finding this part of me has been a gift. It is a true gift indeed that has come from a loss of great tragic proportions!

Where Are You on Your Journey? So where are you on your life’s journey? What do you need to do in order to make a similar transformation to find the “Real You?” Where are you stuck? If you have found this book, you are probably close to transformation, but you may need some help to create a new, wonderful life for yourself and your children. Lora did it, and here’s how she describes her transformation. ”I am bigger than my former story. The center core [the Real Me] that Susan helped me to discover knows this to be true. It motivates me to forgive myself, forgive those who have abused me and excuse myself from the ‘survivor’ life course for something more rewarding, more authentic and definitely more satisfying.”

How Do You Rate? Take a moment to complete the survey on the next page. Do it quick! Don’t think about your answers. Put down whatever comes into your head. You can do it!

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| Journey from Victim to Survivor to Thriver!

SURVEY FOR THE THRIVER WORKBOOK Always feel this way

Sometimes Never feel this way feel this way

I’m too busy for quiet time to think about where I’m going. There is no way I can create the life I want right now. There are some voices inside my head that are very critical of me, and I’ll never get them to quiet down. Sometimes I feel there’s a happy person inside of me who wants to get out. My biggest fear is that I’ll never get my life together. Bad things always seem to happen to me. I’ll never figure out who I am or what I want to be when I grow up. I don’t take any big risks. Life is too scary. Abuse has always been in my life. I can’t do much about it. It’s hard to find other people who’ve gone through what I have and want to change their lives. Taking time for me is a selfish thing to do. If I could change one thing about my life, I’d …

If I had $10 million and all the time to do whatever I wanted, I’d …

The Thriver Workbook

Review Your Results Let’s look at what you came up with on the survey. Was there any particular statement that was difficult for you to answer? Which were easiest to answer? In what areas did you mark that you “always feel this way?” Any surprises?

Write about that here.

Look at your “sometimes” responses. Are they in areas that you feel you might be able to move into the “always” category? What would be your barriers to doing so?

Write about that here.

Now let’s review your answer to If I had $10 million and all the time to do whatever I wanted to do, I’d… Did anything surprise you there? How possible is that dream for you? What are your obstacles, besides time and money!

Write about that here.

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| Journey from Victim to Survivor to Thriver!

Look at Your Beliefs about Yourself Have you noticed that the statements on this survey are all limiting beliefs about yourself and the impact of abuse on your life? What the survey actually measures is your self-esteem, how you feel about yourself as a person. Our self-esteem rises and falls with the experiences we face in life. This survey can help you identify the areas that you might want to work on. For example: If you checked any of these in the “always” or “sometimes” box — I’m too busy for quiet time to think about where I’m going. Taking time for me is a selfish thing to do. It’s hard to find other people who’ve gone through what I have and want to change their lives. — you may have some limiting beliefs about taking time for yourself and finding others to support you on your journey. Try some affirmations like “I’m worth it!” and “Taking care of myself is not selfish!” See more on affirmations at the end of this chapter and in Chapter 3, Quieting the Inner Critic. Let’s look at another group on the list — There is no way I can create the life I want right now. My biggest fear is that I’ll never get my life together. I’ll never figure out who I am or what I want to be when I grow up. I don’t take any big risks. Life is too scary. If you put any of these in the “always” or “sometimes” category, I’d say that you have hit on the limiting beliefs that are hardest for us to move from. But as you go through this book, you’ll find exercises to help you build positive energy, quiet your fears and discover a rich, rewarding future. Look at Chapter 6, Fueling Our Lives with Positive Energy; Chapter 7, Manifesting What We Desire; Chapter 8, Overcoming Our Fears, Taking the Risk and Chapter 10, Setting New Goals to “Thrive.” If the survey indicated that you “always” or “sometimes” feel that — Abuse has always been in my life. There’s not much I can do about it. Bad things always seem to happen to me. — think about how your experiences have limited you in the past and how you now want to find opportunity in those experiences to grow and change. Can you find opportunity in loss? Yes, I believe you can and you’ll find out how to do so later in this book.

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| Preface

If you’ve marked “always” or “sometimes” for — There are some voices inside my head that are very critical of me, and I’ll never get them to quiet down. — check out Chapter 3, Quieting the Inner Critic. You can quiet the chatter and learn to use affirmations to knock out the negative self-talk in your life with the positive! If you checked off this one as “never” — Sometimes I feel there’s a happy person inside of me who wants to get out. — be sure to review Chapter 4, Contacting the Happy Person Inside You. Even if you answered “sometimes” or “always” to this one, we will be contacting the Happy Person Inside You in that chapter, so get ready for some fun! By filling out this survey you now have a good idea of what exercises to pay close attention to as you go through this workbook. But I do suggest that you go through all the exercises in this book as we’ll touch on these areas many times in the book and you’ll have many opportunities to work on what you need to do to move forward and thrive!

Moving Into the Future Now let’s look at the last two statements that you filled out on the survey. First, “If I could change one thing about my life, I’d…” Did writing about this give you any new insight into what may stand in the way of you moving on? For example, if you wrote — I was so young when I had my kids. They’ve never appreciated me. — I’d say that is a pretty limiting statement. First of all, right now you can’t do much about the fact that you had your kids when you did. And second, you don’t really have any control over whether your kids appreciate you or not. They may appreciate you more in the future, or they may not ever do so. All you can do is be the best mother you know how to be and let it go at that. What I’ve learned about a limiting statement like this is that all things happen for a reason. You may not know the reason right now that you had this experience (and you may never know), but you can learn and grow from it. See it as a gift and seize the opportunity it in to think positive! Maybe when you get your life moving, your children will admire and appreciate you for that. Shifting your attitude about these things can make all the difference in your life. If you wrote something like — I regret not finishing school so I could get a good job and feel better about myself. — talk about an opportunity knocking at your door! Who says you can’t go back to school now? What is holding you back now? When we get to Chapter 10, Setting New Goals to “Thrive,” we’ll work more on that! Second is my favorite: If I had $10 million and all the time to do whatever I wanted to do, I’d… I hope your answer to that was big! If there was ever a time in your life to think big, this is it!

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| Journey from Victim to Survivor to Thriver!

Later in the book when we get to setting new goals, we’ll revisit what you wrote here, but for now, just notice if you wrote about any of the following. • Did you use any of the money to help others and provide for your family and loved ones? • Did you bring up some dream that you had long ago forgotten about and might want to think about again? • Did you have fun with the idea that without the limitations that we usually use as excuses (no money, no time), you could do anything? Hold on to this unlimited belief that anything is possible! There is much more in this book that will give you the feeling of limitless possibilities and bring you to a place where some of those possibilities can grow into reality. Savor the thought that you are on the brink of a new life and anything can happen. Let’s finish with a list of unlimited beliefs for yourself. Let’s see how they feel for you. • I can create a new life for myself and avenge the abuse I have experienced. • I can discover my inner wisdom and lower the negative voices in my life. • I can tap into my truest desires and uncover my inner strengths. • I can conquer my fears and embrace change. • I can find meaningful work that I love and the creative, active life that I long to lead. These are actually more like “affirmations” — things you want to affirm that are true and possible in your life. Check off any that feel right for you and write an affirmation below about what you want to achieve for yourself in the course of reading this book. Then hold on to this good stuff ! We’ll use it all to help you on your glorious Journey to the Real YOU! TM

MY AFFIRMATIONS:

Living well is the best revenge!

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| Preface

Everyone has a talent. What is rare is the courage to follow that talent to the place where it leads. — Erica Jong

Creativity is a river. It flows through you always. — Clarissa Pinkola Estes

It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters in the end.

— Ursula Kroeber Le Guin

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. — Helen Keller

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| Journey from Victim to Survivor to Thriver!

Introduction Preparing for Your Journey There is a critical “next-step” beyond surviving abuse to that of a becoming a “thriver.” Here’s a working definition of “thriver” that I have come up with and we’ll be using throughout this book. A thriver is a happy, self-confident and productive individual who believes she has a prosperous life ahead of her. She is primed to follow her dreams, go back to school, find a new job, start her own business or write her story. She believes in herself and in her future so much that she will not return to an abusive relationship. She speaks knowledgeably and confidently about her experiences and is not stuck in her anger or need for revenge. Living well is her best revenge, and with her eye on the higher social good, she is a fierce advocate in her community and in the broader political arena for realistic, workable solutions to eliminate and prevent violence against women. She has found a network of women who understand and share her desire to move forward after abuse. To help women move to this thriving place after abuse, I have developed a motivational model using writing exercises and interactive activities. This journey is more one of spirit, and it leads you into the rightbrain world of your imagination where unlimited creative possibilities lie. (See more about this in Chapter 1, Letting Our Right Brains Come Out to Play.) In the right brain, the wounded spirit can be revived and dreams that you have long set aside for a better, more satisfying life can finally emerge for you. The articulation of this journey to wholeness for women who have been abused is one of the innovative aspects of my work. But what I do is also unique in that I provide women who have been abused with a clear road map for this journey. With the kind of growth and renewed self-confidence that my work promotes, I have seen women break permanently out of the cycle of violence in their lives and reclaim their lives. What an amazing transformation awaits you! In a workbook format that I hope makes things simple and fun, I’ll give you gentle guidance and practical tips that I have successfully used in my workshops. I’m not exactly sure why or how they work, nor are the women who have been participated in the workshops, but they do. This book offers you what workshop participants have had — a “life-altering” experience that can bring new vigor and energy to your life. I have asked some of the women who have come through my workshops to share their success stories with you in Part Four: Success Stories. You have already heard from Lora in the Preface who described the

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transformation she has experienced as a result of my workshops. I hope all of these stories give you the inspiration and motivation you need to take the journey to wholeness, healing and recovery. I have also included a Resources section with books, movies and Web sites that have helped me on my journey. My Web site (www.myavengingangel.com) has additional information about me and where my workshops are held. Finally, I’d love and appreciate your feedback on this book so that I can make it bigger, better and deeper in the future. (See the COMMENT AND FEEDBACK SHEET at the back of this book.)

Obstacles on the Journey to Thriver Along with the road map I will give you for your own journey to thriving in this book, I need to tell you that each of you will do this journey differently, with many obstacles to overcome. Just as I have heard that it takes a woman seven times to leave an abusive relationship, it may take several tries for you to move beyond the abuse in your life. What I have learned from my own experience and in working with women in my workshops is that the barriers that usually keep us down are those that keep us from feeling positive about ourselves and our future lives. That’s why I love the quote: “Living well is the best revenge.” After all, isn’t getting on with one’s life the most exacting revenge against those who have beaten us down and told us we are nothing? But it is hard to face our stories! We will be judged about them? Can’t you just hear the comments: Why didn’t you leave sooner? How could you be with such a man? What were you thinking? We will also try to avoid the social stigma and shame of having been once abused or assaulted. Because of these kind of fears, I have purposefully held my workshops as a “closed” circle of women who have all shared a common experience. While you, like the women in my workshops, do not have to disclose anything about the abuse in this workbook unless you choose to, you can feel comfortable knowing that you are not alone in the circle; others have had similar struggles. As a formerly abused woman, you may also face costly ongoing legal battles with your abusive expartner on such issues as property division, child custody and child support. You may have substance abuse issues in your life as a result of the abuse or have little or no education or no job or a low-paying job and little financial backing or support from your family or friends. Your culture or religion may also judge you about leaving a partner or marriage even if your partner is abusive to you. Finally, you may fear the possibility that you will return to an abusive relationship. Will you see the warning signs of abuse the next time around? Will a healthy, happy relationship ever come your way? That’s a real fear! But don’t worry! You can overcome all these obstacles and learn much, much more in this workbook about the journey to becoming a thriver. Here are the steps we will take on this amazing journey to finding ourselves.

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| Journey from Victim to Survivor to Thriver!

Steps on the Journey to Thriver

7 steps

Set New Goals Overcome Fears Vision a New Life Get Positive Energy Connect with Happy Person Inside Quiet Inner Critic See Your Journey

STEP 1: I’ll help you see your journey by beginning with a writing exercise about your favorite fairy tales. These stories can help you see that in everyone’s life there is a struggle of some kind (e.g., a loss of a job, divorce, illness, abuse, violence). That struggle can be overcome by a life-altering event (e.g., Cinderella meets the fairy godmother, Sleeping Beauty wakes up) that sets us on the road to the happy ending. No matter how many times I do this exercise, the women always tell me they believe in the happy ending. It will be our work, then, to get you there… to the Happy Ending! STEP 2: We’ll quiet down the Inner Critic, that negative voice in our head from childhood that becomes overprotective and too rigid for us as adults. For an abused woman, that voice will tell us we are no good, stupid, can’t do anything right, and it can also be the voice of the abuser. With an interactive exercise, we will tune into the voice of our Inner Critic, learn to respond to it and create affirmations to help quiet its chatter and reduce its potency to sabotage or derail us on way to our Happy Ending! STEP 3: We’ll connect with the Happy Person Inside, a part of us that has probably been trounced down by the abuse in our lives. She is the cheerleader inside us who loves us, supports us and guides us with great wisdom if only we would listen. STEP 4: We’ll get the positive energy going again in our lives by working with the energy of the Happy Person Inside us and shifting our focus to express gratitude for all the good things in our lives — past, present and future! STEP 5: We’ll vision a new life for you and your children, beginning with focusing on what you are passionate about and what dreams and desires you may have given up on in your life. We’ll look at what drives us to find the work we love, such as the search for meaningful work, the need to help others or make the world a better place. Then we’ll work on manifesting what we desire. We can do it! STEP 6: We’ll overcome our fears and limiting beliefs, such as “Abuse has always been a part of my life. I can’t do anything about it.” or “Bad things always happen to me.” or “There is no way I can create the life I want right now.” We’ll explore peak experiences in our lives and identify positive patterns so we can repeat them again. STEP 7: We’ll set new short-term and long-term goals that will reflect the new, positive energy in our lives and allow us to thrive, not merely survive our abuse. We’ll look at dreams deferred, like going to law school, traveling around the world, writing a book, and we’ll set out simple, easy steps so we can attain goals without any more delay. The Thriver Workbook

| Introduction

The Workshops Get Results! Women who have worked with me since 2001 through the My Avenging Angel WorkskhopsTM have gotten results! They have been less likely to return to an abusive relationship or suffer the long-term physical and psychological consequences of the abuse they have experienced. Pre- and post-workshop data show that my workshops have produced significant, tangible changes in the lives of the women who have attended them. There has been a noticeable change in their attitude about the abuse they have experienced in their lives and their ability to transform their lives. For example, many women in my workshops have indicated in the survey that you filled out in the Introduction that they “always or sometimes” feel that: “Abuse has always been in my life. There is not much I do about it.” “My biggest fear is that I’ll never get my life together.” “I’ll never figure out who I am or what I want to be when I grow up.” “There is no way I can create the life I want right now.” “Taking time for me is a selfish thing to do.” In response, the surveys have shown that almost one-half of the participants have registered a shift in the attitudes listed above between the time they came to the first session of the workshop and when they finished the second workshop session. There has also been a striking change in the belief that taking time for themselves is not a selfish thing to do and a noticeable change in that they have finally found a group of women who have been abused and also want to move on. I have seen all of these new unlimited beliefs be strengthened as women continue to work with me in the regular monthly follow-up sessions I conduct for the Advanced Group or Archangel group of women who have attended the basic two-session workshop. In this Archangel group, a strong community of likeminded women has been formed, and through it, the well-being and financial stability of these women has been greatly increased. Women who have attended the basic workshop and continue in the advanced Archangel group have not returned to an abusive relationship, and several have entered new, non-abusive ones, some for the first time in their lives. (See more about the Archangels at the end of this book.) In addition, women have reported that after attending a workshop that they have been spurred on to start their own businesses, return to school to get advanced degrees in law and medicine, get new jobs at higher pay that more closely match to their skills and talents, resume singing careers and become first-time homeowners. Because of my experience with the death of my niece, Maggie, and with the women I have met in my workshops, I can see that the truest measure of our lives is not what we have experienced but what we have made of our experiences. We don’t really know how good it can get once we get positive and focus our energies on our future, not the past. Whatever we might have imagined for ourselves is only a fraction of what we can have when we free ourselves to live well, be happy and create the life we want. Then living well is, in fact, our greatest revenge.

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| Journey from Victim to Survivor to Thriver!

Who Can Use This Workbook I have designed this workbook as a simple “road map” for anyone who has been abused or violated in their life to take the journey from victim to survivor to “thriver.” But I hope this book will also be of value to the following kinds of people: Family, friends and coworkers of women who have been abused: Often the family, friends and loved ones of women who have been abused want to help, but they don’t know how. This book is not only a way for them to learn about and understand the recovery process, but also it would be a great gift idea for a friend or family member to show them that they care. Staff of shelters and crisis centers: According to the National Coalition on Domestic Violence, there are 2,000 domestic violence shelters in the United States and 1,000 sexual assault crisis centers. In these programs, there are hundreds of advocate and counselors who work with thousands of women who are survivors of abuse or sexual assault every year. These workers routinely look for new approaches to help these women move beyond the violence, and many of the techniques in this book could be easily adapted for use in group or individual counseling sessions. Counselors and therapists who work with these women: According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, there are more than 50,000 marriage and family therapists treating individuals, couples and families nationwide. The National Association of Social Workers (NASW), the largest membership organization of professional social workers in the world, has 153,000 members. The American Psychological Association (APA), with more than 150,000 members, is the largest association of psychologists. Many of these marriage and family therapists, social workers and psychologists provide individual and group therapy for women who have experienced abuse, trauma or violence. While this book is not intended to be a substitute for therapy, it does provide therapists with practical exercises and creative techniques to help patients set new goals for their lives and heal from past trauma and abuse. Attorneys, doctors and other professional caregivers: These professionals are always looking for resources and materials to share with clients and patients. This book is a way to help women move beyond traumatic divorces, custody battles and illnesses or physical injuries either caused by the abuser or the stress of the situation. Other caregivers who could use the book are clergy, child welfare workers, school counselors and nurses.

How to Use This Workbook Perhaps you are familiar with The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Creativity by Julia Cameron, a landmark best-selling book first published in 1992. This book has assisted countless artists to unlock blocks to their creativity. With over one million copies sold, the book has fostered “The Artist’s Way” classes, writing groups and coffee klatches all over the world that follow the book’s ten-week course. The writing exercises, prompts and assigned tasks were derived from the classes Ms. Cameron had taught over a decade to blocked writers, painters, poets and filmmakers. This book has a similar workbook format and a focus on leading women onto the path of a new life. Like Cameron, I have relied on materials that have been “tested” with women in my workshops. You can use this book on your own or find some other women who want to do the exercises with you in a group. (See www.thethriverworkbook.com for more information.) Whatever gets you started on your journey is fine!

Be creative on your journey. If taking a few deep breaths or lighting a candle or some incense before you do

the writing exercises helps to make the experience easier or more pleasant for you, then go for it! You can also

play some soothing, relaxing music while you write. Check out the Resources Section at the back of this book for a list of music that I regularly use in my workshops to help calm and relax everyone.

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Using Journal Writing Techniques I love to write. Always have. It is my personal and life’s passion! For the last thirty years, I have been

a professional writer of both fiction and nonfiction. Since 2001, I have taught writing classes and been a writing coach for fiction and nonfiction writers. (See my writing Web site at www.writingwithsusan.com.) But of all the classes I have taught, I have found teaching journal writing to be the most satisfying.

Why? Because writing in a journal is a great way to record the daily events of your life and how you

feel about them. That kind of expression can help you heal from life’s dramas and traumas. But more than

that, a journal can be an exciting passageway to your creative unconscious. In this workbook, we will use journaling techniques to go deep inside and explore each step on this amazing journey from victim to survivor to thriver that I described earlier in this book. The best thing about journaling is that:

THERE ARE NO RULES! You cannot do this wrong! Whatever you write is the best expression of how you feel in that moment.

You may want to do many of the exercises in this book over and over again, and each time you may

come up with something entirely different and perfectly acceptable. Let the writing show you the way

to the playground of your imagination, opening up your unconscious and bringing you new insights. It’s simple and fun!

Doing “Free Writing Techniques” and Using “Writing Prompts” One of the most common writing techniques we will use in this book is “free writing” from “writing

prompts.” What does that mean?

“Free writing” is picking up your pen and writing without stopping. It is a free expression of what is

inside you, uncensored by your Inner Critic. (For more on your Inner Critic, see Chapter 3.) You want to write

quickly so that your Inner Critic won’t jump in and say things like “What you are writing is stupid!” or “Why are you doing this?” That kind of chatter will only discourage you and inhibit the free flow of words, emotions and thoughts. So you want to write fast, get it all out on paper and not worry about spelling, grammar or even if you can read everything that you wrote.

Don’t worry! No one will look at your paper! In a “free write,” you write for a period of time, maybe five

or ten minutes, without interruption. For some people, that amount of time is too long. They will get out what they want to say quickly and then be done. Others will want to write more slowly for a longer period of time.

NEITHER WAY IS WRONG! In fact, what you want to do is see how your writing process works. If you write only a little at first — but you think that you’ve said it all, that’s fine. As your writing progresses, you may write more, but even if you don’t, it’s not wrong. It’s only how you do it rather than how someone else might do it.

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| Journey from Victim to Survivor to Thriver!

If you are a person who writes more or slower than someone else — then that is how long it takes you. What’s important is to not let yourself think that you need one or two hours to write in your journal or to complete any of the exercises in this book. If you do, then you’ll convince yourself (trust me, your Inner Critic will jump right in to help you be so convinced) that you don’t have enough time to write or finish any of the exercises in this book. None of them will take you that long, and in fact, what you want to do is say, “It will only take me a few minutes. I have a few minutes. I can start now!” You start with a “writing prompt.” A prompt is simply something to lead you into your writing. It’s like a trigger or springboard to get you going, and once started, it can take your writing anywhere you’d like it to go. If you start writing about apples and suddenly write about oranges, it’s okay. This is free writing. Let it go! REMEMBER! You can’t do this wrong! Here are some prompts I use regularly when I journal.

PROMPT:

Whenever I’m happy, I

Sometimes I wish I could

The best part about my life right now is

I’m most proud of myself when I

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| Introduction

If you like the writing prompts in this book, look at the writing resources provided in the Resource section of this book. You can also get more writing prompts at www.thethriverworkbook.com.

When you see

throughout this book, it means it’s time to write from a “writing prompt!”

PROMPT:

After each prompt, I’ll give you space in this workbook to complete your writing. You can also use extra paper or your own journal if you need more space. It may help to time yourself and do only five- or ten-minute sprints of free writing. You could probably write a whole book from some of these prompts, but that is not necessary in order to accomplish what will help you the most in this workbook. Other exercises in the book include making lists, writing unsent letters and filling out surveys. In each case, the writing that results should be spontaneous and uncensored and, most of all, FUN! Writing in this book should be fun! The exercises should surprise and delight you and give you important new insights into your life experiences. Wow! What a journey you are going on! Because it is a journey, I would suggest that you at least try to complete all the exercises in the workbook and move as much as you can from the beginning to the end of the book, not skipping any exercises or jumping between exercises. The exercises in this workbook are set up to take you down a new path in your life from beginning to end and it might be most satisfying for you to do it in order. But as I said above, THERE ARE NO RULES, so do what works for you. Most importantly, HAVE FUN!

You are on a fabulous journey to your wonderful new life!

Don’t be afraid of the space between your dreams and reality. If you can dream it, you can make it so. — Belva Davis

The Thriver Workbook

| Journey from Victim to Survivor to Thriver!

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The Thriver Workbook

| Introduction

If you have a skeleton in your closet, take it out and dance with it. — Carolyn Mackenzie

You cannot be truly creative until the gypsy in you dances. — Clarissa Pinkola Estes

It’s not too late to have a happy childhood. — Gloria Steinem

It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that they are difficult. — Seneca

Part One Beginning The Journey

26 Use this page to sketch, make notes or journal. Have fun!

Chapter 1

Letting Our Right Brains Come Out to Play

e live in a culture that is very left-brained. In it, we have to be logical and rational, deal with facts, make decisions and worry about being perfect and doing the right thing. But there is a warmer, fuzzier part of us. It is the right side of our brains where we are emotional, sensual and spontaneous. That hemisphere of the brain holds our creative, playful selves. We can see that side most easily by watching children, particularly at a very young age, be very open and much more accessible and tuned into the right side of their brains. You can see it as they play, imagine and create! It is a wonderful, exciting thing, and it makes them free and unlimited! If you have been abused or assaulted, the left side of your brain has probably needed to take over for a while. It was there to help you figure out how to get help and make decisions about where you would live so that you and your children could be safe. Once you are out of the situation, however, you need to rejuvenate and reenergize yourself with something that takes you back to your right brain. It’s hard to envision a new life free of abuse, pain and violence if you aren’t tuned into the creative, intuitive right-brain part of yourself. Accessing that side of the brain is essential if you want to take the journey, described earlier in this book, from victim to survivor to “thriver.” It is a journey of spirit, one that can transform your life, and I think you are ready for! The exercises in this chapter are designed to help start you on this amazing journey, but I will warn you that moving into the right side of the brain may feel new or funny to you at first. You may not clearly remember being there before or how to get back there again. For example, we access that part of us every day in our dreams, but often we don’t understand the pictures and stories that come to us there as they tap into our creative unconscious, and we wake up confused and unenlightened. Don’t get frustrated if you have trouble with this right-brained thing right away. I, myself, am very left-brained. I have always been analytical, logical and able to solve problems. As an attorney, I was trained to think and act in my left brain, but as a writer, I have had to learn to access my right brain as it is there

Oh, to be delivered from the rational into the realm of pure song. — Theodore Roethke

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing, there is a field… I’ll meet you there. — Rumi

One must ask children and birds how strawberries and cherries taste. — Goethe

THE THRIVER WORKBOOK: Journey from Victim to Survivor to Thriver! contains the motivational guidance Susan Omilian has successfully used since 2001 in her My Avenging Angel WorkshopsTM to help women who have been abused move from victim to survivor to “thriver.” The book’s simple, easy-to-use work sheets, invigorating writing exercises and inspirational success stories from those who have survived abuse, provide a “road map” for women to take the Journey to the Real YOU!TM and permanently break out of the cycle of violence in their lives. PRAISE FOR SUSAN’S WORK! “This book offers faith, courage and dignity to women who have survived the destructive and selfish actions of abusive men. Susan’s message is ‘Don’t settle for anything less than a life that is better than ever.’ She knows that women can do it, and by the time a woman has worked her way through this excellent guidebook for healing, she will believe it too.” — Lundy Bancroft, author, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“The Thriver Workbook will touch a responsive chord in women who have been abused and those who advocate for them. Susan’s creativity, her inspirational workshops and her own personal journey make this book a ‘must read’ for anyone interested in the empowerment of women.” — Alyce LaViolette, author, It Could Happen to Anyone: Why Battered Women Stay

“Susan begins with a rare insight — that what makes a battered woman is not what the abuser has done to her, but what he has kept her from doing for herself — and then takes her readers on a jubilant journey of self-realization. On the way, Susan helps them remake their world and get back in touch with their power and possibility.” — Evan Stark, PhD, MSW, Professor, School of Public Affairs and Administration, Rutgers University-Newark Author, Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life

“Susan is a talented and gifted healer with a heartfelt message that those who have suffered can hope again.” — Anita Swanson, author, Slow Hope, the Long Journey Home

Susan Omilian is the award-winning originator and facilitator of My Avenging Angel WorkshopsTM based on the idea that “living well is the best revenge.” An attorney and advocate for women for the last thirty-five years, Susan was led to this work when her nineteenyear-old niece Maggie, a college student, was killed in 1999 by her ex-boyfriend.

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