CHELSEA NOW, DEC. 18, 2013

Um...Ask Aunt Chelsea, p. 23

VOLUME 6, NUMBER 8 DECEMBER 18, 2013

THE WEST SIDE’S COMMUNITY NEWSPAPER SERVING CHELSEA, HUDSON YARDS & HELL'S KITCHEN

New CB4 Chair Says Outreach is Top Priority

BY EILEEN STUKANE A new year heralds new officers for Community Board 4 (CB4). At the December 4 full board meeting, District Manager Bob Benfatto took the count of member ballots and announced the results.

Running unopposed and unanimously elected: Christine Berthet, Chair; Hugh Weinberg, First Vice Chair; Frank Holozubiec, Co-Secretary and Miranda Nelson, Co-Secretary. The position of Second Vice Chair had two candidates in the running: Raoul Larios and Delores Rubin. Each was granted three minutes to address the membership before the vote. Rubin, who said she had kept her name on the ballot out of respect for being selected by the nominating committee before another candidate was nominated from the floor, won the seat.

December 4 was the last full board meeting for the outgoing chair, City Councilmember-elect Corey Johnson — who has been a CB4 member since 2005, and its chair since 2011. Elected officials at the meeting, includ-

ing Assemblymembers Richard Gottfried and Linda Rosenthal and newly elected Borough President Gale Brewer, offered congratulations to both Johnson and Berthet — who has been serving as CB4’s First Vice Chair. Words of praise and thanks were sent Johnson’s way and interjected throughout the course of the evening’s agenda.

Two Proclamations citing December 4 as Corey Johnson Appreciation Day in New York were issued: one by NY State Senator Brad Hoylman (in person) and another by Hunter Johansson, representing Borough President-elect Scott Stringer.

Berthet told Chelsea Now that her first goal is to do “everything we can to reach out to the new members of the community, and do better outreach so that everybody’s aware of what’s going on. This is very, very important for the future of the board.”

Berthet said she’d accomplish this by putting “a task force together, and I expect the group

Continued on page 4

Photo by Sam Spokony

Hudson Yards construction workers joined executives from Related and Fairway Market around the cake modeled after 10 Hudson Yards.

Hudson Yards Project One Year Old, And Growing

BY SAM SPOKONY Any good birthday bash requires a top-notch cake — and so it was for hundreds of Hudson Yards construction workers on Wednesday, December 4, as they celebrated their first year of work on the West Side site by digging into a sugary, five-foot-tall replica of one of the development’s future office towers.

The 10 Hudson Yards tower — at the corner of West 30th Street and 10th Avenue — currently stands at three stories, and will rise to 52 stories and a height of 895 feet by its planned completion in 2015.

Upon opening, the tower will become the new home

of Coach, L’Oreal USA and software giant SAP. A Fairway Market grocery store will also be located in the building’s base along, West 30th Street.

It was Fairway that supplied the 10 Hudson Yards cake, to the delight of workers who got a brief break from the job so they could enjoy the icing-topped treat.

By the end of 2014, the entire eastern half of Hudson Yards will also be under construction, according to the project’s joint developers — Related Companies and Oxford Properties. The full site spans between West 30th and 33rd Streets, and between 10th Avenue and

Continued on page 3

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December 18, 2013 - Januar y 14, 2014

High Line Horticulturist: ‘Anyone’s Guess’ How Foreign Roaches Arrived

BY SAM SPOKONY The organization that oversees the High Line says it’s not sure how a rare breed of cockroach — which has never before been spotted in the U.S. — ended up inside the popular elevated park.

It was reported on December 9 that Periplaneta japonica, a species of roach that can apparently survive New York’s cold winter weather, was first seen on the High Line by an exterminator in 2012.

The beastly bug has entered the news because of a recent scientific article in the Journal of Economic Entomology, which confirmed that this was the roach’s first sighting on American soil.

“We spotted species Periplaneta japonica last year and, as with all insects and other creatures that inhabit the space, have been monitoring any impact,” said Friends of the High Line Director of Horticulture Thomas Smarr, in a December 9 email to Chelsea Now. “Fortunately, we do not believe this insect is having a negative impact on the park.”

Previous reports guessed that the bug might have come to the High Line through foreign soil imports — but Smarr characterized that scenario as, unlikely at best.

“The [scientific] study speculated the source of the insect’s arrival, but we

Things to Come: A rendering depicts the 11th Ave. bridge, along Section III of the High Line.

understand it did not check other parks, natural spaces and buildings nearby — so it’s truly anyone’s guess,” said Smarr. “We source our plants through plant nurseries located mostly in the northeastern U.S., which go through routine USDA inspections to identify harmful pest/disease issues. No issue was raised with us.”

And although the japonica roaches haven’t yet caused any noticeable problems around the area, the High Line crew asserts it will be ready to act if the need arises.

“Our team of experts will continue to keep an eye on it,” said Smarr.

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Hudson Yards Shapes Upward

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“I’m happy to say that we’re right on schedule, and right on budget,” said Ronald Wackrow, the executive vice president of Related who is overseeing the Hudson Yards construction, who made an appearance at the “first birthday” event.

In addition to 10 Hudson Yards, the development will eventually feature a second, 80-story office tower and two residential towers that will reach 70 and 79 stories, as well as other elements including retail, public space and a new school.

“I think people are now understanding that this isn’t just going to be a bunch of buildings,” said Related’s Michael Samuelian, a Hudson Yards project manager. “We’re really building a neighborhood that will fill the gap between Chelsea and Hell’s Kitchen.”

With the final section of the High Line — which curves around the Hudson Yards site, along West 30th Street and the West Side Highway — also currently under construction, Samuelian noted the importance of that close connection.

“We looking forward to having an amazing relationship with the High Line,” said Samuelian, pointing out that the iconic park will bring a valuable influx of foot traffic into the development’s retail and open spaces.

Aside from the festivities that went along with marking the one-year milestone for 10 Hudson Yards, both the

‘We’re really building a neighborhood that will fill the gap between Chelsea and Hell’s Kitchen.’

—Michael Samuelian, Related Companies project manager executives and the construction workers exuded a genuine sense of pride about their ongoing efforts at the site.

“Anybody on this project knows it’s the opportunity of a lifetime,” said Wackrow, who asserted his belief that Hudson Yards is, by far, the best development he’s ever been a part of.

The Related VP also expressed his deep respect for the construction workers — and it seemed clear that the feeling was mutual.

“Man, I just love showing up here every day,” said Bobby “Mosquito” Bayron, 59, a Bronx resident who has been working rigs and hoists on the construction site since the job began.

Bayron explained that 10 Hudson Yards is not only an “unbelievable project” — one he’s proud to be building — but that it will, in fact, be his final job. After 35 years as a construction worker, he plans to retire once the tower is topped off.

“I’m sure as hell going out with a bang,” he said.

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December 18, 2013 - Januar y 14, 2014

CB4 Evaluates Development Continued from page 1 to define how we can do that [outreach] better. Maybe it involves visiting the block associations, visiting maybe the board of directors of some buildings.”

Another top priority, said Berthet, is the board’s ongoing commitment to help ensure the scope and purpose of new construction is in sync with the surrounding area.

“If the development is done in a way where we keep diversity and we keep the neighborhood character, this is not an issue. It’s good news,” she said. If not, “Then that is an issue.” Each new project coming before the board, she asserted, “has to be done in a certain way, to integrate with the neighborhood.” To that end, on the evening’s agenda was a presentation of TF Cornerstone’s enormous development project.

LABOR AND RESIDENTS SPEAK, SO TF CORNERSTONE CAN HEAR

Even standing room at the meeting was filled due to the presence of many labor union members of SEIU 32BJ, which represents 145,000 building service workers from Boston to Miami — 75,000 of whom live and work in New York City, according to the union’s political director

Alison Hirsh (who spoke at the meeting). Members turned out en masse as discussions with TF Cornerstone were continuing with the union’s goal of securing service jobs — such as doormen, janitors, security officers — for its members upon the project’s completion.

Carol Rosenthal, of Fried, Frank, Harris, Shriver & Jacobson (lawyers for TF Cornerstone) presented the project along John Curtis (for Arquitectonica Architects). Rosenthal acknowledged that the developer is currently in discussions with 32BJ “and optimistic for a successful conclusion.” Following procedure before a Uniform Land Use Review Procedure (ULURP) application is made, TF Cornerstone, — which wants a rezoning, an increased Floor Area Ratio (FAR), a curb cut — was presenting to allow CB4 to weigh in on the project with the City Planning Commission (CPC). The block between West 56th and 57th from 11th to 12th Avenues, is seeing a lot of change. Durst Fetner BIG is on its way to constructing a 32-story, tetrahedralshaped sloping-facade building on West 57th and 12th with 750 residential units.

TF Cornerstone would be constructing on the site of what is now a 1,000-car garage and what Rosenthal describes as “a ragtag mix of repair shops.” Two auto showrooms would be relocated. The

project is also adjacent to a New York City Department of Sanitation garage.

CB4’s letter to the City Planning Commission (CPC), which was voted on later in the meeting, described the project has having 42 stories — two towers, each 28 stories tall, connected by a 20-foot wide glass bridge on all floors, with a 14-story cube asymmetrically sitting atop the two towers. A 20-foot parapet enclosing mechanical equipment would rest on the roof of the cube. A fourth building element oriented toward West 57th Street would be 17 stories tall with a setback at the seventh floor. The building has a cantilevered Tetris-like appearance, in its use of cube-like design overall, and windows shaped like tiles (smaller on the lower floors and wider at the top). The project is planned for 1,050 residential units, with 20 percent, or about 210, permanent low-income units. A garage for 500 cars is planned, but the board’s letter indicated a

desire for no more than 400 cars.

Gasps of dismay rose up from the audience when the image of the building popped up in the architect’s PowerPoint presentation. The design, of what is the biggest project in the area, was considered unattractive by many. In what is becoming a familiar dance — with real estate developers racing each other to be the one known for greatest innovation and scale, and residents attempting to protect their neighborhoods from the effects of mammoth high-rises. After the developer’s presentation, at least six residents of the community spoke out against the project — urging CB4 to vote it down. Overcrowding of streets, subways, buses, lack of light and air, blocked views of long-time residents, strain on parks, libraries and — as Jessica Bondy noted when she spoke — the strain on schools

Continued on page 5

Gasps of dismay rose up from the audience when the image of the building popped up in the architect’s PowerPoint presentation.

Photo by Eileen Stukane

Christine Berthet, seen here at the Nov. 6 full board meeting, succeeds Corey Johnson as chair of CB4.

December 18, 2013 - Januar y 14, 2014

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Noisy Gym Feels The Burn From CB4 Continued from page 4 that are already overcrowded: “Different middle schools in the neighborhood are at 99, 96, 103, 110 percent capacity...data Cornerstone presented is inaccurate.”

The board, which was pleased to have the affordable housing units in the community, ultimately voted to approve the rezoning, the increased FAR (Floor Area Ratio) and the curb cut, but urged that the garage be limited to 400 cars.

CB4’s letter to CPC was also amended to request that the developer come to an agreement with union 32BJ prior to going to the CPC, and that the methods used for assessing infrastructure and schools related to new development be re-evaluated.

FITNESS FACILITY CROSSES UPSTAIRS NEIGHBORS

Brick Crossfit gym opened in August 2013 without the required Board of Standards and Appeals (BSA) special permit for a Physical Culture Establishment (PCE). The result is now a lawsuit initiated by the condo board at the Steiner Building, 257 West 17th Street, the first floor and basement location of Brick, against the gym’s owners.

Supporters of the gym explained that Brick encourages a healthy environment and wants to be a positive addition to the community.

However, one after another of the Steiner Building residents testified that from 6am to 8pm (sometimes even after 9pm at night) as high up as the sixth floor, they could hear weights dropping, instructors encouraging their students and music blasting. Their china vibrates and so do mattresses, and their children cannot do their homework.

In addition to the daily stress, residents are concerned about the devaluation of their investment in their homes.

Brick seems to have violated an interim court order of no weight lifting or classes before 7:30am or after 8:30pm. Frank Angelino, attorney for Brick, addressed the board saying that the gym is “committed to being as good a neighbor as possible...

In order to solve any sound issues Brick in the beginning put in a soundproof floor that didn’t work out as well as intended and it is continuing to work on that to cover the entire area of 8000 square feet.” It was pointed out by an architect of gyms who lives in the building, that Brick did not study the science of sound transmission, which is routinely done when planning a gym, before opening and accepting members. Both Brick and the residents hired acoustical engineers.

Acoustilog for the residents, and Shen Milsom & Wilke for Brick, both agreed that the vibration and noise needed to be reduced. The most dramatic moment occurred when Alan Fierstein of Acoustilog played the recording he made in a second floor apartment at 6:44am on November 22.

The repeated boom sound, like the steady beat of a kettledrum, was stunning. “I can demonstrate the sound but I can’t demon-

Photo by Eileen Stukane

A scale model of TF Cornerstone’s proposed mixed-use building (at center), between W. 56th & 57th, from 11th to 12th Aves.

strate what it actually feels like with the vibrations,” Fierstein said.

CB4 later voted to sent a strong letter to the chair of the Board of Standards and Appeals to deny the granting of a special permit to Brick Crossfit for a PCE. The letter set conditions for returning quality of life to the residents of the Steiner Building, which if followed, could lift the board’s denial, but noted that “Neither consultant can confirm that any of the mitigations would be sufficient to reduce noise levels enough to be code compliant.” The board also wrote that it “feels strongly that BSA should not grant approval of this application until the finding in (the special permit) is met and should require the gym to cease operation until the application is approved.” The board is also planning on contacting the Department of Buildings and the New York City Fire Department, since a blocked emergency exit was made known at the meeting.

Since CB4’s December 4 meeting, it was learned that Brick is spending $250,000 to install added floor padding and a special acoustical drop ceiling in the facility, which noted a membership of 600 at the meeting.

Installation has not yet been completed.

NEWS FROM ELECTED OFFICIALS

Assemblymember Linda Rosenthal announced that regarding events on Piers 92 and 94, she has written another letter to the New York City Department of Economic Development encouraging that stipulations for parties remain in effect for the future and that some of the revenue from events should be shared with the Hudson River Park Trust since the piers are part of the park. Rosenthal then advised everyone that in January she will be working on the passing of her radon mitigation legislation bill, A.6863, which would require the continuous monitoring of radon levels in natural gas

arriving at each state delivery point. She explained that radon is a radioactive element that occurs in natural gas, but its radioactivity dissipates when gas travels for one to two weeks along pipelines from faraway distanc-

es. The new Spectra pipeline to New York City, as of November 1, started to bring in gas from locations as close as Pennsylvania and upstate New York, not giving radon the dissipation time it has previously had. This could mean that radon, the second leading cause of lung cancer, could be coming into city kitchens.

New York State Senator Brad Hoylman brought everyone up to speed on steps to control the annual pub crawl known as SantaCon (which took place this year on December 15). After considerable investigating, his staff “unmasked” a group of about four volunteers who started what they thought was a performance art piece that has now “morphed into drunk Santas on every street corner.” Hoylman received assurance that the organizers will urge good behavior, follow a safety plan, share routes in advance with police precincts and have about 80 volunteers as marshals helping to move participants along.

Hoylman also supported the findings of the Moreland Commission on Public Corruption which reports that New York needs greater transparency in campaign finance, and an end to the loophole allowing unlimited contributions to political parties rather than to election campaigns,

Continued on page 18

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December 18, 2013 - Januar y 14, 2014

Police Officers of the Year Honored by Local Leaders

BY SAM SPOKONY Members of the Downtown community gathered on December 12 to honor a group of local police officers for exemplary service this year.

The 10th Annual Safe City, Safe Streets Luncheon, organized by the Greenwich Village Chelsea Chamber of Commerce (GVCCC), recognized NYPD service throughout the ranks, but it specifically highlighted five Officers of the Year for 2013.

The winners were Officer Liam Cawley, of the Sixth Precinct; Officer Sergio De La Mota, of the Ninth Precinct; Sergeant Michael Filomena, of the 10th Precinct; Officer Leonardo Nimo, of the 13th Precinct; and Officer Michael Relf, of the 14th Precinct.

Those honorees gained particular distinction because of their work on quality-of-life issues within their communities, as well as for numerous major arrests over of the past year.

“You’re our local heroes,” said GVCCC President Natale Scopelliti, adding that the luncheon is “one of the most rewarding and meaningful events our organization puts together.”

Cawley, whose Sixth Precinct includes Greenwich Village, was only assigned there a year ago — but he has already made a strong impact as part of the precinct’s Midnight Conditions Unit,

Photo by Sam Spokony

Officers of the Year honored on Dec. 12, from left: Officer Sergio De La Mota, Ninth Precinct; Officer Liam Cawley, Sixth Precinct; Sergeant Michael Filomena, 10th Precinct; Officer Michael Relf, 14th Precinct; and Officer Leonardo Nimo, 13th Precinct.

which focuses directly on the needs of local residents and commercial tenants.

Since joining the NYPD in 2010, he has already made 153 arrests, 15 of which were for felony crimes.

“It’s really an honor, and I know I

couldn’t be here without the help of my supervisor and my partner, but it means a lot to be recognized for this work,” said Cawley after the award ceremony.

De La Mota, whose Ninth Precinct includes the East Village, has been on

the force for six years, and has made more than 450 arrests in his career. But he is recognized most for high-profile arrests that were made as part of the precinct’s Anti-Crime Team, including his key role in taking down the “Money Boy Gang” that had terrorized Lower East Side communities.

“People sometimes say this is a thankless job, but it really does feel great to be named like this,” said De La Mota, who added that taking down the gang was a “great accomplishment.”

Filomena, who has been working at the 10th Precinct, which covers Chelsea, for around 20 years, was honored for mentoring and motivating young officers along with carrying out his own work. In his time at the precinct, he has carried out 541 felony arrests and 407 misdemeanor arrests.

Councilmember-elect Corey Johnson, who in January will go from being chair of Community Board 4 to taking office in the Council’s District 3, further honored the winning officers in his remarks as the event’s keynote speaker.

“What I’ve learned at CB4 is how truly strong our neighborhoods area,” said Johnson, “and part of that is due to the great relationships that exist between our communities and both our elected officials and police.”

December 18, 2013 - Januar y 14, 2014

7

For Diner Cuisine, a ‘Line’ and a ‘Square’ on the Corner

BY HEATHER DUBIN There is a new diner in Chelsea, whose buttermilk pancakes and moussaka taste very familiar. And that is no accident. The Rail Line Diner, located on 23rd Street near Ninth Avenue, is under the same ownership as its former incarnation — the Moonstruck Diner — in that exact spot.

Teddy Nictas, the owner, recently took a break from greeting customers and running the show to sit down in a booth by the entrance and talk about The Rail Line Diner.

“I’ve gotten a lot of compliments on the design and layout,” he said, “There used to be a showcase blocking the window, and you couldn’t see inside the store. Now, it’s more open.”

The diner has a decidedly modern look, with 21 booths that line the perimeter, tables in the middle, banquettes and five bar stools at a counter where muffins and cakes are displayed. The approximate 3,200-squarefoot space seats 167 people.

Nictas, who is originally from Manhattan, lives on Long Island with his family. Prior to the restaurant industry, Nictas worked in construction and the painting business. Following a two-year stint at his brother-in-law’s restaurant, Nictas branched out on his own to take over the Moonstruck Diner in 1997.

He purchased the restaurant, which was the original Moonstruck Diner, founded circa 1987, from Greek owners. Nictas, 45, whose parents moved here from Greece, speaks Greek, and is a first-generation American. His son and nephew both work at the diner, making it a family affair.

This past summer, Nictas embarked on a three and a half month renovation to update the diner décor. “The store was rundown,” he said. Nictas felt like he could not keep coming to work and see the diner in its previous condition.

“You have to go with the neighborhood,” Nictas said. And Chelsea, along with most of Manhattan, has experienced drastic changes over the past 15 years such as an influx of luxury apartments and pricey commercial real estate.

Nictas waited a few years to secure a new-13 year lease, and then began construc-

Photo by Scott Stiffler

After closing to update its “Golden Girls” decor, the former Moonstruck diner now has a modern look — and a new name.

tion a year after signing it. According to Nictas, people commented on websites that the Moonstruck Diner’s prominent color palette of peach and gray was in sync with the aesthetic of “The Golden Girls” — the classic television series about female senior citizens. The renovation has eradicated that association, replacing it with a sleek, airy feel that is more tropical oasis than Florida retirement community, On September 30, the diner relaunched with a new and improved look, but the menu and staff were mostly the same. Now, The Rail Line Diner is ready to reclaim Moonstruck’s regulars.

“A customer came in who hadn’t been in for awhile. He thought I’d sold the diner because of the name change,” Nictas said. He has only had a few months to gage customer traffic, but Nictas noted many other locals also thought they had “sold out.”

However, Nictas remains optimistic. “Every week it’s a little different. It takes time to build up a business,” he said, “I take

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the good with the bad.”

Nictas has witnessed customer shifts over the years in Chelsea, since 1997. From 1999 to 2005, business was thriving — and then it began to taper off. Once the recession hit

in 2007 and 2008, the diner experienced a decline.

“Now there are not as many steady customers,” he said. Nictas attributes this to out-of-town visitors, and apartment owners nearby, some of whom are European and do not stay in the city very often.

“I have my steadies though, I’ve got to say,” he said. With a grin, he confirmed these “steadies” mostly belong to the senior citizen set. “They’re the best because they never complain. They’re all my girlfriends,” he joked, “I talk to them like they’re my grandmas.”

Nictas noted that about seventy percent of his “steadies” live close by, at Penn South on 26th Street between Eighth and Ninth Avenues, a housing cooperative, and London Terrace, a block-long apartment complex on 24th Street between Ninth and Tenth Avenues. “They’ve been coming here before I was an owner here,” he said.

The diner is open seven days a week, and is 24-hours on Friday and Saturday. The club crowd around the corner in the Meatpacking district on weekends does not necessarily make The Rail Line Diner their destination.

“Lots of kids these days like to eat dinner and disco,” Nictas said. He explained that at Bagatelle, a bistro in the Meatpacking district, they play music while everyone

Continued on page 21

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December 18, 2013 - Januar y 14, 2014

Nelson Mandela, An Inspiration To Us All EDITORIAL The world lost a towering figure this month with the passing of Nelson Mandela at age 95.

The father of a free South Africa, the great humanitarian leader endured more than a quarter century in prison, most of it under extremely harsh and cruel conditions.

His ability to leave prison without hatred, and to focus on peaceful reconciliation in his country is an inspirational example that may never be matched. It is one that no doubt has particular resonance

for Christians preparing to celebrate the birth of Christ, but it is a universal message that is also embraced by many people of all faiths, as well as atheists.

Mandela’s struggle became the symbol of the fight to end South Africa’s racist apartheid system.

Many of us remember the South African divestment campaigns that swept American college campuses in the 1980s. The divestment effort definitely contributed to bringing an end to apartheid and to Mandela’s finally being released from prison in 1990.

Today, students at New York University, The New School and elsewhere across the

country advocating for their schools to divest from major fossil fuel companies take inspiration from Mandela and the anti-apartheid divestment campaign that occurred during a previous generation.

Mandela was a profoundly inspirational figure. President Obama has cited his transformative influence on his life.

Even archconservatives like Newt Gingrich and Ted Cruz recognize the importance of Mandela. It’s a welcome change for mainstream conservatives, who attacked Mandela three decades ago.

Mandela embodied humility, and also forgiveness. After his liberation from pris-

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Cyclists are just part of the problem

To The Editor: Re “Penn South Pedestrians Want Better Bike Lane Safety” (news, Dec. 3): In one year (Nov.-12 to Oct.13), there were 290 pedestrians injured along Eighth Avenue, between 23rd and 29th Street (source: nyc.crashmapper.com). Distracted driving and speeding automobiles provide the greatest risks to pedestrians, not cyclists. Pedestrian safety is an issue, but it requires a holistic approach to design and enforcement, not blaming one road user.

Gary Roth Adjunct Professor, Urban Planning, Columbia University

now also allowed in Hudson River Park under this same legislation, meaning the shoots will soon be on a constant basis, with constant demand.

This community has made a grave error in allowing the Hudson River Park Act to be altered in this manner, and it will only get worse for Washington Square Park if the new conservancy is allowed to grow in power. Stop it in its tracks, people. No matter how well-intentioned, the park will end up answering to the whims of its “protectors,” not the community that surrounds it. “Slippery slope” is no cliché when public lands are involved.

Patrick Shields

on, he remarkably found it within him to befriend his former jail guard.

Thankfully, Mandela never gave up — during his long incarceration on Robben Island or afterward, and his steadfastness, fortitude and courage helped forever change South Africa…and our world.

And, thankfully, it was Mandela upon whose strong shoulders such an inhumane burden, and then, after his release — as he became his country’s leader — such great responsibility, was thrust. Very few others could have done it.

As they used to say during the struggle, power to the people: “Amandla! Awethu."

I ride here every day. I have never seen a pedestrian hit by a cyclist, nor have I ever seen a cop give a ticket to a speeding car — though I see cars speed (and imperil my 8and 10-year-old children) EVERY DAY. And worse, drivers never give right of way to pedestrians when making right turns from the avenues onto side streets, though legally they are required to. Twice I’ve grabbed my son as a car blindly skidded around a corner. I’ve never seen a cop giving a ticket for this behavior, a potentially deadly one.

Robert Green E-mail letters, not longer than 250 words in length, to scott@ chelseanow.com or fax to 212-229-2790 or mail to Chelsea Now, Letters to the Editor, 515 Canal St., Suite 1C, NY, NY 10013.

Please include phone number for confirmation purposes. Chelsea Now reserves the right to edit letters for space, grammar, clarity and libel. Chelsea Now does not publish anonymous letters.

Reader comments, from ChelseaNow.com Parks on a slippery slope To The Editor: On Dec. 5, from earlier in the evening until after 6pm, there was filming in Washington Square Park. Production assistants and police prevented people from entering the park from multiple entrances. A private entertainment company had control of the park, and was enforcing its permit with much aggressive authority.

This is where the Hudson River Park is headed, because economic leverage was just completely turned over to real estate developers under the legislative amendment recently signed by Governor Cuomo. Note that film and TV shoots are

Re “Penn South Pedestrians Want Better Bike Lane Safety” (news, Dec. 3): Glad to hear there will be enforcement. Almost every day I find myself moving out of the way of a bike (I am on foot). On more than one occasion, individuals on bikes also ride between trucks and buses on avenues such as 6th and will continue to move even though the cares are stopped at a red light. This means pedestrians have to watch for bikes even though the cars are stopped! As I recall for Drivers Ed, folks on bikes are supposed to follow the traffic rules. rfl

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December 18, 2013 - Januar y 14, 2014

A Visit from the Mayor-Elect (with apologies to Clement Clarke Moore — definitely founding father of Chelsea, and probably author of the original)

TALKING POINT

And then, in a twinkling, I knew I had proof, That the man with a mandate was up on my roof!

As I drew in my head, and was turning around, Down the chimney de Blasio came with a bound.

BY SCOTT STIFFLER

'Twas the twilight of Bloomberg, when in Gracie Mansion, No next tenant was stirring; he had yet to be sworn in.

Four stockings were hung by the chimney with care, In hopes the de Blasios soon would be there.

Throughout New York City, children slept in their beds; While visions of Universal Pre-K danced in their heads.

And I, keeping vigil for the next morning’s oath, Knew we’d soon have a new guy — for two terms, at the most!

When out on the street there arose such a clatter, I nearly called 311 to complain of the matter.

Instead, to the window I flew like a flash, To scold the noise-makers and settle their hash.

The moonlight was twerking on the new-fallen snow, Giving a fresh perspective to the objects below.

When what to my wonkish eyes it did seem, To be a Pedicab pulled by a transition team.

With a liberal leader at the reigns of the ride, Who was swept into office by historic landslide!

More rapid than refunds his coursers they came, And he played that song, “Royals,” and he called them by name: “Now, Brooklyn! Now, Bratton! Now, Cuba! Now, Castro!

On, Tax! On, Spend! On, Vote-Getting Afro!

To the left of the porch! To the left of the wall!

To the far left, and further! Now, dash away all!"

As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, When they meet with storm barriers, mount to the sky; So up to the housetop the coursers they flew, With the promise of change, for our five-borough zoo!

He was dressed in middle-class duds, dude, you dig?

His clothes, from a store for the Tall and the Big. A progressive agenda was carefully stacked, In a bag that was bursting and flung ’crossed his back.

He quickly unpacked all these overdue gifts, And he didn’t stop once (not even to frisk).

Education, infrastructure, income equality!

A budget that’s balanced, and participatory!

Affordable housing through inclusionary zoning, And more public plazas, for leg-stretching strolling!

And just for today, here’s a styrofoam container, Plus trans fats and cigs and a soda, sized major!

Oh calm down, he was joking, this jolly old elf.

Even Bloomy’s scowl broadened, in spite of himself.

Said the new to the old, there’s no need to be glum, You’ve improved public health, with your war on our fun.

Now I’ll take what you’ve done and I’ll build on that work.

Then he had no more words, but his actions they spoke.

He beckoned me close, and we snapped us a selfie, Then posted on Facebook, and everywhere-elsie!

He sprang to his Pedicab, then up with his thumbs, To face every future challenge that comes.

And I loudly exclaimed, ere he drove out of sight — “A new day has dawned, after five terms of night!”

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December 18, 2013 - Januar y 14, 2014

POLICE BLOTTER Don’t Fall for These Slick Phone Scams NYPD Community Affairs recently sent out this crime prevention tip. If you’d like to be in their list, send a request to: communityaffairs@ nypd.org.

People are losing thousands of dollars in a phone scam. Here is how the scam works: After receiving a call from someone who claims to be collecting a debt for either a Utility Company or the Internal Revenue Service, people are being threatened with the loss of their heat, electric or told they will be deported.

Utility Company Scam: The victims are contacted by a caller who states that they work at a Utility Company and are collecting money that is past due. The caller informs the victim that they

can avoid having their utility service disconnected if they immediately pay the past due amount using a Green Dot MoneyPak card that can be purchased at a local store. The caller instructs the victim to purchase a Green Dot MoneyPak card in a specified amount and provides the victim with a phone number to be called back when the MoneyPak has been obtained.

The victim purchases a Green Dot card at a local store and proceeds to call back the number they were given. The victim is instructed to scratch off and read the MoneyPak card serial number to the perpetrator. Once the scammer has the Green Dot MoneyPak serial number they are able to transfer funds onto a prepaid debit card. The victim has now lost their money.

Internal Revenue Service Scam: The victims receive a call and are told that they owe back taxes, fees or fines to the I.R.S. and that if they do not make an immediate payment using a

Criminal Possession of Stolen Property: Five flee, two pinched Responding just after midnight on Sat., Dec. 7, uniformed officers from the 10th Precinct were met by an MTA employee at the 14th St. stop on the A/C line (at Eighth Ave.), who told them that he observed a group of seven males engaged in a fight, while traveling on the southbound A train. The fracas spilled over onto the platform when the train stopped at 14th St. Five fled the station, and two (ages 22 and 23) were apprehended at the scene. Upon further investigation, it was learned that the first defendant (known to transit police as a repeat offender) was carrying “a benefit card that did not belong to him.” It was also learned that the second defendant had three open dockets (aka, pending court appearances).

Green Dot MoneyPak card they will be arrested or deported. This scam is perpetrated in the same manner as the utility scam. The results are also the same, the victim’s money is stolen.

Summary: Green Dot MoneyPak cards are legitimate products when used for the right purposes. Once purchased at a participating retailer with cash, consumers can use MoneyPaks to reload other prepaid cards, add money to a PayPal account without using a bank account, or make same-day payments to major companies.

Because the cards can only be bought with cash, consumers never need to disclose their personal or financial information to a retail cashier or to make a payment. While many schemes still involve scammers asking for funds to be wired to them, MoneyPaks have the added benefit of the scammer not having to show up at an office to claim the funds. Anyone with the 14-digit number found on the back of the MoneyPak card can

Criminal Possession of a Controlled Substance A 54-year-old male was taken into custody at 12:45am on Sat., Dec. 7, after he was caught walking from one subway car to another (on the northbound C train). The man was taken into custody at the 14th St. station (at Eighth Ave.), after a search revealed that he was carrying Ziploc envelopes of “alleged cocaine” in his wallet as well as a bag of marijuana in his left jacket pocket — and, the arresting officers noted, “eight smaller empty glassine Ziploc bags from the left jacket pocket.” The defendant refused to provide any contact information, and with good reason: it was eventually discovered that he had a history of arrests in the subway system, and was awaiting a previously scheduled court appearance.

Tips To Avoid This Scam: • Be suspicious of callers who demand immediate payment for any reason.

• Remember that anyone who has the number on a Green Dot MoneyPak card has access to the funds on the card.

• Never give out personal or financial information to anyone who emails or calls you unsolicited.

• Never wire money, provide debit or credit card numbers or Green Dot MoneyPak card numbers to someone you do not know.

THE 10th PRECINCT Located at 230 W. 20th St. (btw. 7th & 8th Aves.). Commander: Captain David S. Miller. Main number: 212-741-8211.

Community Affairs: 212-741-8226. Crime Prevention: 212-741-8226. Domestic Violence: 212-741-8216. Youth Officer: 212-741-8211. Auxiliary Coordinator: 212-741-8210. Detective Squad: 212741-8245. The next Community Council meeting, open to the public, takes place at 7pm on Wed., Jan. 29.

THE 13th PRECINCT —Scott Stiffler

Petty Larceny: At least he brought his own bag A 43-year-old shopper at Gristedes (221 Eighth Ave.) had all the makings of a meal, and the means with which to promote personal hygiene.

But a vigilant employee sensed that something stunk, when the man placed his shrimp (worth $25), rice ($3), ice cream ($8) and deodorant ($5) into a plastic bag and attempted to exit the store without paying.

Police responding to the scene arrested the man, shortly after dinnertime on Mon., Dec. 9.

drain the card of funds.

In all of these examples, the intended victims are instructed to buy a Green Dot MoneyPak cards, load the amount of the fine or other money owed onto the card and then provide the number on the back of the card to the scammers, who will then drain the funds from the card.

CRIME STOPPERS If you have info regarding a crime committed or a wanted person, call Crime Stoppers at 800-577-TIPS, text “TIP577” (plus your message) to “CRIMES” (274637) or submit a tip online at nypdcrimestoppers.com.

Located at 230 E. 21st St. (btw. 2nd & 3rd Aves.). Deputy Inspector: Ted Bernsted. Call 212-477-7411. Community Affairs: 212-477-7427. Crime Prevention: 212-477-7427. Domestic Violence: 212477-3863. Youth Officer: 212-477-7411.

Auxiliary Coordinator: 212-477-4380.

Detective Squad: 212-477-7444. The Community Council meeting takes place at 6:30pm on the third Tues. of the month.

December 18, 2013 - Januar y 14, 2014

11

Greenwich Village Caroling Walk

How Can I Lower My Co-Pay? Come in & ask Aleks, your neighborhood pharmacist!

Photo by Wayne Valzania

One in six (at the least) will stop by Stonewall, when groups of singers fan out across the area, for Dec. 21’s Greenwich Village Caroling Walk.

There’s no need to hop across the pond to have yourself a merry little “Christmas Carol”-type experience. The Village has an ample amount of cobblestone charm and picturesque Dickensian pathways to navigate — without the hassle of 19th century London’s flower women, fishmongers and roving gangs of pickpocketing urchins. Soak up the atmosphere, and create some of your own — by taking part in the 39th Annual West Village Chorale Caroling Walk.

Songbooks will be provided upon arrival

at the Meeting Room of Judson Memorial Church. From there, groups of singers will head out on six routes, as the solstice sun dips toward the horizon. Refreshments await you at Judson, when the event comes full circle (at which point there will be a bit more singing and much conviviality).

Free. Sat., Dec. 21, at 3pm. Meet at Judson Memorial Church (55 Washington Square South, at Thompson St.). For info, call 212-517-1776 or visit westvillagechorale.org.

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December 18, 2013 - Januar y 14, 2014

CHELSEA: ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT Have Yourself a Darkly Odd Christmas Essential viewings balance the treacly and the treacherous

Snow Man” in 1969, and “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” in 1970). And while we gave this new one high marks (especially the Heat and Snow Miser songs), something was different. In modern parlance, it seems to me that with this special, the series jumped the shark.

How many holiday angles can you hit? Eventually you have to go downbeat. “What if, one year, there was no Christmas?” Though this show was based on a book written in 1956, it certainly feels very much in tune with the spirit of 1974, with its soaring divorce rates and cynicism.

It was perhaps inevitable that given the tenor of the times, we would be given a Santa who is clinically depressed, who is having some kind of nervous breakdown or identity crisis. “I don’t know, maw,” he mutters, “There just doesn’t seem to be any reason to bother any more.”

My favorite part is during the show’s closing number, when Santa shouts to the heavens: “I dreamed unpleasant things!”

BY TRAV S.D. (travsd.wordpress.com) Christmas is usually associated with brightness: the North Star over Bethlehem, the lights on a Christmas tree, the whiteness of snow, the silver of tinsel. Fairy tales, on the other hand, are notoriously dark, with their stories about lost children and the wolves, witches, ogres, giants and trolls out to get them — unconscious maps of the anxieties that lie just underneath every human psyche.

In any good yarn, the characters need to get into trouble. For the most part, the best Christmas stories walk a fine balance between the treacly and the treacherous: the Abominable Snowman, the Winter Warlock, the Mayor of Sombertown, the Grinch and that evil magician who harasses Frosty for his top hat are all fine villains. Yet all are redeemed and transformed by the Christmas spirit.

The psychologies of some people who make Christmas movies and television specials, however, are apparently so badly wired or damaged that they unconsciously produce nightmarish effects far beyond the normally accepted bounds of the genre. Those are the shows I like to watch again and again and again and again and again.

“SANTA CLAUS” (1959)

SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS (1964)

Back in the day, people used to laugh at the kind of “cheap production values” evinced by movies like this. On the contrary. From where I sit, it’s more like an example of the kind of magic you can make on a shoestring. Everything you need to know is in the title. The leaders of Mars are concerned about the growing apathy and depression of their children (one of whom is a very young Pia Zadora). To bring them joy, they kidnap Santa Claus, and (by accident) two stowaway earth children. Some of the Martians are good, some are evil.

The evil ones are dispatched by an army of Santa’s wind-up toys, in a scene that is truly a triumph of early psychedelia. I find the colors in this movie beautiful to look at.

Embassy Pictures Corporation

This 1964 cheapo has shoestring magic — and Pia Zadora!

“BABES IN TOYLAND” A.K.A. “MARCH OF THE WOODEN SOLDIERS” (1934)

I’d never heard of this movie until they began to show it on cable television in the 1980s. It rapidly became my favorite holiday film, for it is every bit as bizarre and dark as it is charming and festive.

For some reason, Hal Roach liked to experiment with starring Laurel and Hardy in operas and operettas (he’d done the same with “The Bohemian Girl” and “Fra Diavolo”). Here of course, the team adapted the popular 1903 Broadway show by Victor Herbert. Much is changed from the

THE YEAR WITHOUT A SANTA CLAUS (1974)

This popular Rankin/Bass show premiered when I was nine years old, and I can’t tell you the unspeakable excitement with which we fourth graders greeted the event. All the previous Rankin/Bass specials had premiered before our time (“Rudolph the Red-Nosed” in 1964, “The Little Drummer Boy” in 1968, “Frosty the

This is a bizarre film, no two ways about it. In this Mexican-made Christmas story, Santa and one “Pitch,” a devil, battle for the souls of several children on Christmas Eve. On Santa’s side are Merlin the Magician and contingents of child labor from all over the world. The first 20 minutes of the film are eaten up by a concert featuring songs from each nation. It gets quite preposterous after a while, and I must say the delegates from the USA make a pretty poor showing indeed. Don’t forget to keep an eye peeled for the “Dance of the Giant Dolls” nightmare. At any rate, this is the NEW classic around my house. I’ll need to watch it many more dozens of times until I get it out of my system. There is no more perfect film to watch on a double bill with “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.”

Rankin/Bass

Snow Miser’s the real star of 1974’s “The Year Without a Santa Claus.”

Continued on page 15

December 18, 2013 - Januar y 14, 2014

13

Flea Theater Breaks Ground on Bigger Digs Bats will soon have a better place to hang

BY SAM SPOKONY One of Downtown’s leading Off-Off Broadway theaters is moving to a space that’s nearly double the size of its old one.

Directors and supporters of Tribeca’s Flea Theater celebrated the groundbreaking of their new 20 Thomas Street home on December 5, and jubilantly announced that, thanks to city, state and private funding, they now own the building.

“This is truly a most thrilling step in our story,” artistic director Jim Simpson said at the ceremony, “and I could not be happier to be at the helm of The Flea right now.”

Since it was founded in 1996, The Flea has rented its 7,400-square-foot space at 41 White Street, which has two theaters. Once the company moves a few blocks to 20 Thomas Street — construction is expected to be completed by fall of 2014 — the Flea will enjoy an 11,500-square-foot space that will include three theaters, as well as a rehearsal room.

The Flea was certainly able to thrive in the smaller facility — presenting more than 100 plays, as well as dance and music performances, and winning numerous Obies and other awards — but those who backed the move financially believe it will give a new and valuable boost to the Downtown arts scene.

“This little Flea is going to help make big dreams come true for a lot of young artists,” said Scott Stringer, Manhattan’s borough president. “The cultural life of the city will really be defined by how many young people get an opportunity to come here from all over the world, just because they want to sing and dance and express themselves.”

Stringer, who will take office as the city’s next comptroller in January, said he had hoped to find a new home for The Flea ever since he became borough president eight years ago.

“So I’m glad that, with 27 days left as borough president, we finally got this thing done,” he quipped.

Keeping with the lightheartedness of the ceremony, Kate Levin, commissioner of the city’s Department of Cultural Affairs, proclaimed The Flea’s new space to be “groovy doovy” — a phrase she said Simpson had taught her years ago.

“The Flea really has been a key part of transforming Lower Manhattan,” said Levin, “and in making sure that it is a cultural hub as well as a vibrant business destination, not to mention the fastest-growing residential neighborhood in New York.”

Funding for the purchase and renovation of 20 Thomas Street came nearly equally from public and private sources — $5 million from the city and $3.75 million from the state, with $8.15 million coming from private donors, according to Ron Lasko, the theater’s spokesperson.

He added that The Flea is still hoping to raise an additional $2 million in private money to finish renovating the building,

Image courtesy of Flea Theater

Image courtesy of Flea Theater

Good art works on many levels: A rendering of the new Flea Theater depicts its three performance spaces.

and to fund an endowment to cover future operating expenses.

Film star Sigourney Weaver, who is married to Simpson and was a partner in founding The Flea 17 years ago, also spoke at the groundbreaking ceremony. In

Actress Sigourney Weaver, a founding partner of Flea Theater, left, with Manhattan Borough President Scott Stringer and Dept. of Cultural Affairs Commissioner Kate Levin, helped bust down a ceremonial wall at the Dec. 5 groundbreaking event for The Flea Theater’s new home at 20 Thomas St.

addition to co-starring in two productions at The Flea, she had played a vital role in lobbying for the theater’s public funding in recent years.

“The Flea has renewed and energized established artists like myself, sustained

emerging artists in theater and dance and showcased the next very talented generations,” said Weaver. “We couldn’t be more proud, or more grateful to the city, the state and the countless individuals who have made this dream come true for all of us.”

What’s New, at The Flea’s Old Digs

BY SCOTT STIFFLER “Family Furniture” is playwright A.R. Gurney’s eighth world premiere at The Flea. Thomas Kail, a 2008 Tony nominee for “In The Heights,” directs a cast whose familiar ranks include Peter Scolari (“Girls” and “Newhart” on TV, and recently seen on Broadway in “Lucky Guy”). The play is described by The Flea as a return to “home territory” for Gurney — whose coming of age tale, set in Buffalo, happens over the course of a decisive summer during which an upper class WASP tribe girds themselves with gin and tonic, to navigate “tennis doubles with the Baldwins, vichyssoise and so much more, in this heartfelt tale about parents and children.”

In 2014, the Bats will be busy bees while their new threetheater hive is under construction. Back at The Flea’s “classic” White Street location, its resident acting company (named for those sleek, nocturnal, winged cave-dwellers) is prepping for a January world premiere from Brooklyn’s Brian Watkins.

Helmed by resident director Danya Taymor and featuring members of the Bats, “My Daughter Keeps Our Hammer” finds Sarah, Hannah and their needy mother stuck in a forgotten prairie town with Vicky — lone survivor of the family’s formerly robust flock of sheep. Tasked with housebreaking the woolly beast, the sisters face a similar challenge: learn to behave civilly, or sacrifice their future. “We haven’t heard the howls of the prairie — that vast expanse of America — since the early days of Sam Shepard,” says Producing Director Carol Ostrow of the playwright. “Watkins,” she asserts, “is an original, and he is a real find.”

Photo by Joan Marcus

A tried and true WASP, in a ‘Bats’ cave: A.R. Gurney’s “Family Furniture” is the playwright’s eight world premiere, at The Flea.

“Family Furniture” plays through Dec. 22. Tues.-Sat. at 7pm, Sun. at 3pm. Tickets are $15-$70 (Pay-What-You-Can Tuesdays, at the door). Previews for “My Daughter Keeps Our Hammer” begin Jan. 15, with the run from Jan. 25-Feb. 15, Wed.-Sun., at 7pm. Tickets are $15-$35. Both plays take place at The Flea, 41 White St. (btw. Broadway & Church). For reservations, call 212-352-3101 or visit theflea.org.

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December 18, 2013 - Januar y 14, 2014

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Cabaret’s Christmas Dream Team, live on the Birdland stage.

ns

tio w lica nt. o N pp e a g ollm i t n enr p ce r ac fo

“A SWINGING BIRDLAND CHRISTMAS”

Proven Method.

Two Campuses.

State–of–the–art facility ~ Children ages 2–5 Morning and full day programs Early drop off and extended day options For information, please contact admissions@themontessori.org

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Timing isn’t everything in the world of entertainment — but it’s definitely on a short list that includes skill, sincerity and a keen sense of showmanship. So it’s appropriate that our review copy of “A Swinging Birdland Christmas” arrived just a few hours before cable channel AMC ran back-to-back screenings of “White Christmas.” With a score by Irving Berlin and its polished take on the old let’s-put-on-a-show plot, the 1954 crowdpleaser has the precise kind of irony-free sentiment and glitzy presentation that makes the “Birdland” CD a natural selection for repeat listening.

Citing beloved holiday TV specials of yore as the inspiration for their collection of recorded songs (and annual stage show), the sweet and cheeky trio with world-class pipes — Klea Blackhurst, Jim Caruso and Billy Stritch — tear into searing arrangements of classics like “It’s The Holiday Season,” “The Man With The Bag” and “Let It Snow” with enough charm and verve to rescue these chestnuts from the fire of a million lesser interpretations. Happily, the trio is home for the holidays — poised to land at West 44th Street’s Birdland Jazz Club for five live performances of “A Swinging Birdland Christmas” (the 10-track CD is from last year’s Christmas Eve show).

If you can’t make these upcoming gigs, the Stritch/Caruso charisma is on display throughout the year, at Birdland’s weekly Monday night

Photo by Eric Harvey Brown

Francine “The Lucid Dream” and friends focus on the powerful presence of music, in the work of David Lynch (Dec. 27, at The Kraine Theater).

“Cast Party” — where crooners, Broadway legends and virtuoso musicians gather for a raucous open mic night that’s pure cabaret bliss.

The CD is available for purchase at birdlandjazz.com. “A Swinging Birdland Christmas” is performed Dec. 21-25, at Birdland Jazz Club (315 W. 44th St., btw. Eighth & Ninth Aves.).

All shows 6pm, except Sat., at 5:30pm. Cover:

Continued on page 19

December 18, 2013 - Januar y 14, 2014

15

Bizarre But Festive Seasonal Must-Sees

Cinematográfica Calderón

This 1959 stinker has Santa battling a devil.

Continued from page 12 stage version, however. The film is set in a land populated by all the characters from nursery rhymes and other children’s literature (Stan and Ollie are versions of Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee, two toymakers who live in the Old Woman’s Shoe).

Much more enjoyable than the conventional plot about young lovers and a rapacious landlord/suitor are the film’s memorable details: a guy in a cat costume and a live monkey inexplicably dressed as Mickey Mouse; little people (or children?) costumed as the Three Little Pigs; the army of hairy little bogeymen — and then there’s the scene where Oliver Hardy, nabbed for burglary, is made to receive a medieval dunking punishment while Old King Cole laughs merrily at the spectacle. My favorite line is “Oh, help! I’m smothering!” The whole thing is both sweet and unsettling and I can never get enough of it.

Hal Roach Studios

Laurel and Hardy, in the bizarre but festive “Babes in Toyland.”

IT NEARLY WASN’T CHRISTMAS (1989)

I lied when I said I watched all of these shows over and over. I’ve only watched this one two or three times, and it was at least three times too much. My substitute name for this made-for-TV holiday movie is “The Worst Christmas Special Ever.” Some may take umbrage (given entries number one and three), but I stand by it. Those movies at least have entertainment value. They provide a spectacle and entertainment, however bizarre. That sort of thing is never “bad” in my eyes, although that’s the word people often resort to. Much worse than that in my eyes is bland mediocrity. The only true sin

in cinema is to be boring.

This one has almost the identical plot to “The Year Without a Santa Claus.” Charles Durning’s Santa is so depressed he does everything but drink whiskey and smoke cigarettes. “I don’t know why I’m knockin’ myself out,” he sighs, as though Santa were some under-paid, under-appreciated civil servant. Fortunately (or unfortunately), he is accosted by a very disturbing, oversized elf creature who tries to stir him back into action. The day will be saved by none other than Wayne Osmond (not even Donny or Jimmy), who plays piano at the mall, and his wide-eyed little daughter. Wayne Osmond, as you have already surmised,

Peter Peter McManus McManus Cafe Cafe Bar & Bar & Grill Grill

is not a towering paragon of thespianism.

One only hopes that Santa will leave a coupon for acting lessons in his stocking!

Trav S.D. has been producing the American Vaudeville Theatre since 1995, and periodically trots it out in new incarnations. Stay in the loop at travsd.wordpress. com, and also catch up with him at Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, et al. His books include “No Applause, Just Throw Money: The Book That Made Vaudeville Famous” and “Chain of Fools: Silent Comedy and its Legacies from Nickelodeons to YouTube.”

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December 18, 2013 - Januar y 14, 2014

Ten Steps to Holiday Health

BY CARLYE WAXMAN RD, CDN 'Tis the season to be jolly — but who feels jolly when they know they’re gaining a ton of weight? You don’t have to hibernate or indulge this holiday season.

Just follow my 10 steps to be healthy, and enjoy the holiday fun!

GET TIPSY, NOT TUBBY

Would you rather get a buzz on, or guzzle a few drinks that have tons of flavor and calories? Eggnog is typically 600 calories in an 8oz serving and a white Russian is no better, at 400 calories per cup. Stick to a glass of wine (at 70-100 calories per 6-8oz serving) and maybe enjoy a couple of shots of alcohol (at 70-100 calories per shot) instead of the sugary drinks that just cause a mind-numbing hangover. Save the cocktail calories for something real, like dinner!

BURN THOSE CALORIES

Take up yoga, spin or running a few times per week. You’ll earn the right to have some indulgence and avoid weight gain for January. Pay per class, so you are more likely to go. Deals can be found on sites like Groupon and Living Social.

PLAY THE MEMORY GAME

Reduce your risk of overeating at par-

ties by trying to remember everything you eat. You can give yourself a break on counting raw veggies like celery sticks and carrots — but be able to determine how much dip you had. When you get home from your party I want you to be able to say to yourself: “I had five pretzels, three stuffed mushrooms, four mozzarella sticks, two vodka sodas and a handful of M&M’s.” This method may sound a little crazy, but it will definitely stop you from grabbing at every snack item you see and eat the items that are worth your time and calories.

BE A LITTLE PICKY

Sometimes it’s helpful to say to yourself (but not out loud) “I don’t eat that,” if it’s a food you don’t have on a regular basis. If you usually avoid desserts, when the cookies come out and look delicious, you can repeat in your head “But I don’t eat those things” — and it may stop the devil in your head that says “Ooooh that looks tasty!

Have some!” This helps for everything from fried food to chips and soda.

HAVE DESSERT

If you do enjoy desserts a few times a week and it’s something you look forward to, make a decision to have one or two small ones (or even a few bites of cake).

Photos by Carlye Waxman RD, CDN

One slice of cake has as many calories as an eggnog cocktail. Which do you prefer?

Studies have shown that the first and last bites are the best ones. So why do you need more than two or three?

EAT BEFORE YOUR PARTY

Why do people skip meals to think they are saving calories before a holiday party?

When you skip meals, your brain craves carbs and takes over and making you do unhealthy things. Bread, mini hot dogs, puff pastries, cookies and pizza never looked so good than when you’re hungry.

Avoid all of this and eat regularly throughout the day. Skip your mid-day indulgence of chocolate and cut down your portions for breakfast and lunch to maximize your calorie budget for the evening.

SIT FAR AWAY FROM THE FOOD

I know when I stand next to the cheese and crackers, I’ll tend to have more — especially if I’m in the middle of conversation (and I don’t even like cheese). Get yourself a small plate of what you like and walk away. Indulge in conversation, not food.

BRING SOMETHING YOU MADE

Bring something to the party like crudités with hummus so you know there will be something you like that’s healthy.

MAKE REASONABLE GOALS

December is not the time to cut out food from your diet. Making reasonable short-term goals helps to keep you from feeling like a failure when you don’t comply. For example, don’t eat dessert for

Make a healthy dip for the party, like hummus.

the week so you can have one Friday and Saturday. Or, if you don’t typically work out daily, set yourself a goal for three times per week!

MAKE HEALTHY PLANS

I have friends I like to go out and have drinks with or dinner, but 'tis the season to make better plans when possible. Invite a friend over and make a healthy dinner, or go out to a movie or a play instead of having drinks. Make a date to go to a gym class or run in the park.

Carlye Waxman is a Registered Dietitian living in NYC. For free recipes, nutrition tips and the skinny on smoothies, visit SweetNutritionNYC.com and sign up for her newsletter.

December 18, 2013 - Januar y 14, 2014

The people of St. Columba’s Church,

an inclusive and welcoming Catholic Community, wish their Chelsea friends and neighbors a joyous holiday season.

We will be celebrating the Nativity of Our Lord at: Tuesday, December 24th 5:00 pm (English) Wednesday, December 25th Midnight Mass (Bilingual) with St. Columba’s Parish Choir & Soloists 9:00 am (English) 10:30 am (Spanish) 12:00 pm (English)

St. Columba Church 343 West 25th Street Between 8th & 9th Avenues New York, New York 10001 www.SaintColumbachelsea.org

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December 18, 2013 - Januar y 14, 2014

Outgoing CB4 Chair Johnson Reflects, Collects Kudos Continued from page 5 “wholly circumventing spending caps that we have in the state of New York,” he said. In line with the Moreland findings, Hoylman will also be advocating for making government jobs fulltime positions to remove conflicts of interest that occur as state senators and assemblymembers retain jobs in law firms and nonprofits while in elected positions.

Jackie Blank, for U.S. Congressman Jerrold Nadler, announced that in January Nadler will introduce a revised version of the Equity for Visual Artists, requiring that artists be paid five percent of the purchase price of works valued over $5,000 each time they are resold.

Assemblymember Richard Gottfried, one of the sponsors of the bill that would allow the Hudson River Park to sell air rights for development up to one block east of the park, announced that because the bill was recently signed into law: “I think it is critically important that the many concerned organizations from Tribeca through Hell’s Kitchen, with the leadership of community boards involved, and various local elected officials up and down that corridor, be very organized, very quicky...as to how we want the legislation that will govern the transfer of

development rights, how we want that written and implemented.” He emphasized an urgent need for organizations to become actively involved in assessing future development plans.

City Council member and now Borough President-elect Gale Brewer spoke of her concern over changes in Mitchell-Lama rules requiring single tenants, many of them seniors, to downsize to studios to offset the sequester and save $35 million. “It’s an outrageous policy,” she said, “and we’re fighting it creatively. It’s stated that if you’re ill you don’t have to move, so we’re making sure everybody is ill.” She also spoke about technological advances that are allowing every single government agency to “dump” their data into a portal. This would allow a collection of information at a glance. “At Community Board Four, you could project an overlay with every housing project, every pothole, every specific section named. I look forward to working with you on those kinds of issues,” said the soon-to-be borough president.

Representing U.S. Congresswoman Carolyn Maloney, Tricia Shimamura reported on Maloney’s recent hosting of a roundtable discussion at Baruch College with leaders in the real estate and mortgage industries addressing proposed changes to federal housing and mortgage

finance laws. Maloney felt issues that could be included in a reform package on housing revealed themselves.

THE LAST AGENDA OF THE YEAR

Two of 28 items on the board’s agenda were tabled and the board worked through the rest, approving letters to the New York Board of Standards and Appeals, New York City Department of Transportation, New York State Liquor Authority, New York City Department of City Planning.

The evening included farewells to CB4 from various representatives, such as Jesse Bodine for Gale Brewer, and Harriet

Sedgwick for Christine Quinn, and of course the goodbye from outgoing chair Corey Johnson — who, after agenda item #28 was approved, announced that he was officially resigning from CB4 the next day, December 5.

During the evening, Johnson touchingly thanked everyone, saying that when he was appointed to CB4 eight and a half years ago he “had more hair and weighed a little less and was 23 years old. I have had the great pleasure of working with so many talented people. I sort of feel as if I grew up here on Community Board 4.” Warm applause followed his words.

COMMUNITY BOARD 4 (CB4)

CB4 serves Manhattan’s West Side neighborhoods of Chelsea and Clinton/Hell’s Kitchen. Its boundaries are 14th St. on the south, 59/60th St. on the north, the Hudson River on the west, 6th Ave. on the east (south of 26th St.) and 8th Ave. on the east (north of 26th St.). The board meeting, open to the public, is normally the first Wednesday of the month. However, the next meeting is Mon., Jan. 6, 6:30pm, at Fulton Auditorium (119 Ninth Ave., btw. 17th & 18th Sts.). Call 212-736-4536, visit nyc. gov/mcb4 or email them at info@manhattancb4.org.

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December 18, 2013 - Januar y 14, 2014

Just Do Art Continued from page 14 $30, plus $10 food or beverage minimum.

For reservations, call 212-581-3080 or visit birdlandjazz.com. Jim Caruso’s “Cast Party” happens every Monday night at Birdland Jazz Club. Doors open at 9pm, show at 9:30pm. $25 cover, $10 food/drink minimum. For info, visit jim-caruso.com and birdlandjazz.com.

THE PINK ROOM: DAVID LYNCH BURLESQUE

Photo by Eric Arenas

The trio headed by John Lander (pictured) pays tribute to Vincent Guaraldi’s iconic “A Charlie Brown Christmas” soundtrack.

their own interpretive spin on holiday favorites (including “Winter Wonderland” and “Sleigh Ride”). By the end of the night, if you find yourself embracing the one you’re with and declaring that this is “what Christmas is all about,” it just might be more than the eggnog talking.

Sat., Dec. 21, 8-10pm. In the Renee Weiler Concert Hall, at Greenwich House Music (46 Barrow St., one block West of Caffe Vivaldi). Tickets: $20 general admission, $10 for kids under 12. VIP front row

the events page of caffevivaldi.com. Check out John Lander’s presence on YouTube, SoundCloud and ReverbNation.

Art Week

‫ב"ה‬

December 22 – January 1

suminagashi Workshops Create a Japanese marbleized art piece Design your own

stained Glass piece

Add your creative touch to the

JCM Kids Mural Mural will be donated to Maria Fareri Children’s Hospital.

THE JOHN LANDER TRIO PLAYS VINCENT GUARALDI’S “A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS”

at Westchester Medical Center

spECIal FEaT FEaTurE a urE aT

December 25 Watch artists create their masterpieces

Encaustic Toothpick Art Sculptor Hot wax painting

by Renee Bareno

Nelson Pantoja

Papercutting and more!

Design by John Lander

It’s “Beethoven Christmas Music” — and more, when the John Lander Trio performs on Dec. 21, at Greenwich House Music.

SuNdaY 10am-5:30pm MoNdaY–ThurSdaY 10am-4pm dEc 25, JaN 1 10am-5pm

$13 Gen. admission, ages 2+ Includes all activities

www.JcM.museum 718.907.8833

VIsIT

by Dena Levie

TICKETs

The seasonal depression storyline of its main character is what makes “A Charlie Brown Christmas” such an effective antidote (or at least companion piece) to the annual onslaught of schmaltz that all but commands us to be of good cheer — often, at the expense of more complex emotions. Using bass lines, brush strokes, a Hammond organ, now-iconic piano riffs and the occasional children’s choir, Vince Guaraldi’s soundtrack to the 1965 TV special manages to convey multiple shades of holiday sentiment.

If you’re the type who’s just as happy contemplating blue notes as you are staring at bright bulbs, this evening from The John Lander Trio and Caffe Vivaldi is a must. They’ll be playing, in its entirety, Guaraldi’s classic “A Charlie Brown Christmas” album. Afterwards, they’ll put

seats, $30. Admission includes a complimentary glass of beer or wine for adults and juice for the kids. For more info, visit

hours

It began in February of 2011 as a tonguein-cheek, hand-in-pants way for Downtown burlesque performers weaned on “Twin Peaks” to mark the anniversary Laura Palmer’s death.

It quickly earned a cult following of its own, for onstage antics every bit as strange and compelling as the “she’s filled with secrets” prom queen whose murder sparked a national obsession when the surreal soap opera premiered in 1990. Part tribute and part satire, with a sexual vibe all its own, host Francine “The Lucid Dream” has since broadened the horizons of her “Pink Room” show to include nights whose themes echo, reflect and riff on everything from “Wild at Heart” and “Lost Highway” to “Inland Empire” and “Dune.”

For one show only on Dec. 27, the “David Lynch Burlesque” crew relocates from their usual haunt (the Twin Peaks Roadhouse & Bookhouse, aka the Parkside Lounge) to the Kraine Theater (transformed into a sultry venue reminiscent of Club Silencio in “Mulholland Drive”). A featured evening in Horse Trade Theater Group’s Winter Burlesque Blitz, this installment is all about mood — as Francine channels “Blue Velvet” nightclub singer Dorothy Vallens, for a celebration of Angelo Badalamenti’s haunting musical contributions to the Lynch canon. Matt Knife does hosting duties, welcoming to the stage Amelia Bareparts, Anja Keister, Iris Explosion and Satanica.

Fri., Dec. 27, at 11pm. At The Kraine Theater (85 E. Fourth St., btw. Bowery & Second Ave.). For advance tickets ($20), visit smarttix.com. For info: francineburlesque.com.

792 Eastern Parkway Brooklyn, NY to Kingston Avenue to Eastern Parkway

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December 18, 2013 - Januar y 14, 2014

Home for the Holidays!

Party Platters

Cocktail Sandwich or Wrap Platter

An elegant selection of bite size gourmet sandwich or wraps, freshly prepared with an array of cold cuts and assorted cheese from around the world on a bed of lettuce and tomatoes. (served with mayonnaise, mustard and honey mustard on the side)

Sm $50.00 (35 pcs) Md $65.00 (45 pcs) Lg $80.00 (65 pcs)

Large Shrimp Cocktail Platter

Chips and Salsa Platter

The perfect platter for any occasion.

Choose one of the following homemade fresh salsas: mild, medium or hot, plus complimentary guacamole.

Sm $30.00 (6-8p) Md $45.00 (10-12p) Lg $55.00 (15-18p)

Crudité Platter

A wide variety of crispy fresh vegetables.

Complimentary with the platter is a choice of two dips.

Sushi

Finger Food

20 pcs rolls- California Rolls

(Chicken or beef) $8.99 p/p

California Roll Platter $35.00

Chicken fingers

Amish Sushi Platter

70 pcs rolls- Tuna, salmon, ebi, eel, yellowtail, avocado and cucumber

$85.00

Sushi Delight Platter

Poached large shrimp beautifully arranged and garnished with lemon wedges and cocktail sauce.

Sm $50.00 (8-10p) Md $65.00 (12-14p) Lg $85.00 (16-18p)

35 pcs rolls- Tuna, salmon, eel, avocado, cucumber. 10 pcs nigiri- Tuna, salmon yellowtail, shrimp, octopus, squid.

Sm $70.00 (6-8p) Md $90.00 (10-12p) Lg $130.00 (15-20p)

Heroes By Foot

$65.00

Fresh Mozzarella Platter

The perfect appetizer: homemade mozzarella cheese, sliced Holland stem tomato, sun dried tomato, fresh basil with olive oil and balsamic vinegar elegantly designed in a floral display.

Pick from these delicious options; Amish Style, American, Vegetarian and Italian (served with mayonnaise, mustard and honey mustard on the side).

Chicken Cutlets, grilled or fried (served with roasted vegetables and fresh mozzarella).

Sm $45.00 (8-10p) Md $55.00 (10-12p) Lg $70.00 (14-18p)

2 foot $45.00 (6-8p) 4 foot $90.00 (12-14p) 6 foot $130.00 (18-20p)

Assorted Cheese Platter

Royal Sandwich or Wrap Platter

A unique selection of imported and domestic cheeses garnished with fresh fruits or a gourmet selection of olives with assorted crackers or sliced bread on the side.

X-Sm $40.00 (4-6p) Sm $60.00 (8-10p) Md $80.00 (12-14p) Lg $100.00 (16-18p)

Oven Baked Hors D’oeuvres

A delightful selection of bite size, handmade hors d’oeuvres, including potato puffs, spinach turnover, mini meatballs, mushroom crowns and pigs in a blanket.

Md $55.00 (50 pcs, 8-10p) Lg $110.00 (100 pcs, 16-20p)

An endless array of fresh cold cuts and wraps, all made with assorted cheeses served on a variety of artisan breads and wraps with lettuce and tomato. (served with mayonnaise, mustard and honey mustard on the side)

$8.49 (p/p)

Dessert Platter

A delicious assortment of brownies, cookies, and chocolate garnished with fresh berries.

X-Sm $35.00 (4-6p) Sm $50.00 (8-10p) Md $65.00 (12-14p) Lg $85.00 (16-18p)

Mini Kebab

Salmon Platter

Served chilled or poached with dill sauce, or grilled with teriyaki glaze.

Sm $60 (6-8p) Lg $100 (10-15p)

Meat Entrees

Stuffed Turkey or Chicken Breast with Spinach and Feta Cheese

Chicken Parmigiana Chicken Franchese in Lemon Sauce Chicken Marsala Swedish Meatballs Italian Meatballs

For all meat entrees please choose one side dish: mashed potatoes, roasted potatoes, white or yellow rice.

Half Tray $55.00 (8-10p) Full Tray $100.00 (18-20p)

with special house sauce $8.99 p/p

Mini shrimp kebab $11.99 p/p Stuffed chicken breast

with spinach and feta cheese $8.99 p/p

Mini meatballs $8.99 p/p Buffalo chicken wings with celery sticks and blue cheese dressing $7.99 p/p

Eggplant rollatini $7.99 p/p

Hot Pasta Trays

Marinara, Ala Vodka, Alfredo Siciliana, Milanese Suggested with penne

Baked Ziti

Ziti Baked with Ricotta, Mozzarella, Romano Cheese, Spices with Red Sauce

Half Tray $40.00 (8-10p) Full Tray $80.00 (20-30p)

Meat Lasagna

Half Tray $50.00 (8-12p) Full Tray $100.00 (18-25p)

Salads

Arugula Salad

Mushroom, Cherry Tomato, Parmesan Cheese

Mediterranean Salad

Romaine, Onion, Olives, Cucumber, Tomato, Feta

Fancy Mesclun Salad Cucumber, Tomato, Mixed Bell Peppers.

Md $40.00 (10-12p) Lg $50.00 (15-18p)

10% OFF any in-store purchase excludes catering with this ad. Expires 1/11/14

Please check out our full Holiday Menu at www.amishintribeca.com.

Amish Market Tribeca 53 Park Place, New York, NY 10007 | T: (212) 608-3863 • F: (212) 608-3864 • amishcatering@gmail.com

December 18, 2013 - Januar y 14, 2014

21

Rail Line and Chelsea Square Deliver Classic Diner Cuisine Continued from page 7 eats. “It’s like a disco,” he added.

Typical customers at the diner include residents, and workers in the area at public schools, Local 601, Hugo Boss and Martha Stewart. Nictas also noted they get a lot of diners from people walking to galleries nearby, and food deliveries to gallery workers.

There is also a large gay clientele from the neighborhood, and a mixed younger generation representing a new demographic in the vicinity.

Celebrities have made guest appearances when it was the Moonstruck Diner, such as singer Lady Gaga and actors — including Meg Ryan, Lorraine Bracco and the late James Gandolfini. So far, The Rail Line Diner has attracted actor Taye Diggs and his wife.

“I’m on Facebook, I’m on Twitter, and it’s word of mouth,” Nictas said. He is mostly reliant on the latter method to increase business. Nictas estimates he has about 400 customers a day.

“Each day is different. Sometimes Friday and Saturday night is busy; weekends are busy. Yesterday, [Monday], lunch was quiet, today was busy. It depends on people and shopping,” he said.

Nictas has had to raise his prices 10 percent on the average. “The price of food has gone up through the roof,” he said.

The food and the staff — 80 percent returned post-renovation — might help maintain the lure of the diner. There are 36 employees on staff, and Nictas considers them like family.

“I was closed for three months. I floated loans to them. One of my managers, he worked with me for 12 years. He needed it for kids for school. I treat my guys like family,” Nictas said. This year, he gave all of his employees a turkey for Thanksgiving.

John, Nictas’s son, created “The Rail Line Sandwich,” which is a chicken cutlet with fresh mozzarella, prosciutto and roasted pepper on a hero. “He comes up with things even if they’re not on the menu, he’ll make off-menu stuff,” Nictas said.

Other menu highlights include Pastichio, a Greek baked pasta dish with ground meat and béchamel sauce, French toast, and waffles. Branzino fish, and French fries with the skin, crispy or fried, are also favorites for Nictas.

He is in the process of bringing in a baker, but for now, dessert is from a bakery in The Bronx with seven-layer cake, cheesecake and red velvet cake as topsellers. Nictas likes red velvet best since his daughter, who started baking at age eight, always makes it for special occasions, including his birthday, which is on New Year’s Eve. With a new look for The Rail Line Diner, Nictas, his employees, and his family, have lots to celebrate the year ahead.

In a separate phone interview, Nick Mavromichalis, manager and co-owner of the Chelsea Square Restaurant, spoke about

Photo by Scott Stiffler

Open 24 hours, and on the corner for 33 years: Chelsea Square caters to “all shapes and sizes.”

his diner, which is located across the street from The Rail Line Diner on Ninth Avenue.

John Lapsatis and John Boumakis, who are both Greek, are the original owners of the 33-year-old diner. When Boumakis retired, Mavromichalis, also Greek, stepped in for his father-in-law, two years ago this December.

Open 24-hours, seven days a week, this family style diner with Greek and Italian specialties has its share of local residents, travelers and movie stars as patrons.

The entire restaurant is framed with autographed photos of sports figures, like Mike Tyson, actors and soap opera stars that line the old style wooden walls. There is also ample space with plenty of booths and tables that surround them to accommodate a total of 130 people in the diner.

The regulars at the Chelsea Square Restaurant go way back to when the diner was established. “We have regulars from when we first opened, who sit down and pour their own coffee, and change the television to what they want,” Mavromichalis said.

He elaborated that many of these regulars are senior citizens, and one woman, who Mavromichalis knows from when he was a child, pours her own coffee. Another woman gets her own tea, and changes the channel on the television to watch stock reports. “All shapes and sizes come in here,” he added.

The diner also attracts seniors from Penn South and London Terrace. “There used to be more, but a lot of have passed away over the years,” Mavromichalis said.

Club kids are less of a frequent occurrence since there are fewer nightclubs in the area now. The diner hosts some club kids at night, but not nearly as many as they did before.

Many regulars hail from the neighbor-

hood. “The diner hasn’t changed since we’ve been here,” Mavromichalis said, “They like the place, it’s still old fashioned. We have cooks in the kitchen from when we first opened. Nothing’s different.”

There are close to 40 employees, and many of the kitchen staff has worked there for over 25 years.

Standouts on the menu include fish platters, chicken marsala, and steaks, along with typical diner fare. “Everything’s above average diner food. You go to places, they can’t do the toast right. Here the omelets are huge. The portions are very big here,” Mavromichalis said.

Mavromichalis, 38, has worked in the food business for 18 years. “I grew up in Astoria, and I’ve been to a lot of diners. This one is the friendliest, and a cozy atmosphere that people want to come back to,” he said. Mavromichalis noted that he has customers from Florida who travel to Manhattan once a year, and always come back to the diner to eat.

They might return just for Saturdays around 12:30pm, when a man who has worked at the diner for 25 years throws a little panache into the mix. “It’s an old style of ordering tickets into the kitchen, he yells it out, and throws in a couple of Greek words in there that people find amusing,” Mavromichalis said.

He admitted that there is a lot of competition in Chelsea, especially in the diner arena. “There are lots of options to go to,” Mavromichalis said, “But once in awhile people like to duck in here and have a nice dinner, and leave here with a smile.”

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December 18, 2013 - Januar y 14, 2014

Dear Readers:

I’ve been drafted to edit Santa’s "Naughty" List, Hopefully, I won't end up on it for running these (slightly updated) letters from 2012. We’ll make a brand new start of it in the next issue. Until then, you can reach me at askauntchelsea@chelseanow.com. Toodles!

Dear Aunt Chelsea,

What is your take on this whole Santa thing with kids? At what age should they stop receiving presents from Santa? Personally, I grew up knowing there was no Santa.

Real Deal

Dear Deal:

Your letter doesn’t indicate how old you are, but clearly you’ve got some growing up to do. Why else would you question the very existence of a beloved holiday icon who brings joy to the little ones you’d have us disappoint come Christmas morning?

In one cynical swoop, you’ve robbed kids of presents and taken away the most precious gift of all: belief in the one and only Santa Claus. So, Deal, here’s my take on this “whole Santa thing.” He’s as real as I am, he’s been cc’d on this letter and he’s all set to put your name on his “Naughty” list through the good graces of a big red indelible marker (a gift from me).

Whew! Sorry if I went a little overboard with the tough love. I just hope yours isn’t another joke letter from those merry pranksters at Penn South — in which case, ignore everything I just said and have a wonderful holiday season (while Aunt Chelsea washes the egg, sans nog, off her face)!

23

Dear Aunt Chelsea,

I’m confused with this notion that regifting is a no-no. If so, what am I gonna do with all those fruitcakes and sausage platters?

Gifted in Chelsea

Dear Gifted:

Being a woman of a certain age, I bristle every time I hear the word “regifting.” In the frank and honest days of old, we called that “pawning off.” There’s nothing kind, or clever, about taking another person’s gesture of friendship and dumping it on an unsuspecting soul. That said, I won’t waste any further time shaming you — as Aunt Chelsea’s inside info (courtesy of a certain crimson-schnozzed reindeer) assures her that each and every act of 2013 regifting earns the thrifty giver a place on Santa’s 2014 “Naughty” list. Think about that, Gifted.

To make the coveted “Nice” list, round up all the presents you were lucky to get but feel are beneath you, donate them to charity and take their cash value as a deductible. Better yet, do what my good friends Adam and Karen used to do when they hosted their legendary New Year’s Eve parties: Instruct every guest to bring a gift they don’t want, and place it beneath the tree.

Then, find one in the pile that’s to your liking and walk away with it. This is “regifting” in its most pure and noble form — because one person’s unwanted fruitcake is another’s tasty treasure.

Ho l i d a y c o s r H o o pe s

Aries An expensive impulse purchase, ill-suited to your needs, is the perfect gift for a casual acquaintance whose gesture of kindness catches you off-guard.

Taurus You will grow impatient while watching a poorly paced

“Christmas Carol” adaptation. Flip channels and risk missing a scene sure to prove helpful during next Wednesday’s crisis of faith.

Gemini Like a snubbed reindeer whose schnoz shows the way, the bright light of your good example will lead eight nervous wrecks through a long winter of discontent.

Cancer Sleigh bells ring, and you’re listening. So why can’t you hear the pleas of a close companion, chiming in on an unpleasant (but urgent) matter?

Leo Refuse to sample an unconventional eggnog recipe and run the risk of being perceived as unadventurous by a potential love interest.

Virgo Come tax time, resist the temptation write off Christmas presents as business expenses. Santa, and Uncle Sam, are watching!

Libra Your challenge this week is to cultivate the childlike

wonder to understand why boxes often make better playthings than the gifts they contain.

Scorpio Pans filled with water and placed on radiators are like

rare words of kindness from an unrepentant Grinch — helpful, but not enough to prevent chafing.

Sagittarius Beware this week of risky positions: middle of the road, under the mistletoe and beyond the call.

Capricorn Mystico senses a loved one is clueless as to your

preferred gift. ’Tis the season to start dropping hints!

Aquarius You will spend much of 2014 bemoaning the timidity of incoming electeds, in proportion to the high standards of your great expectations.

Pisces A howling wind heralds Arctic chills, blowing flakes your way — of the snow, frosted and human varieties.

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December 18, 2013 - Januar y 14, 2014

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