Dan's Papers May 27, 2011 A

Page 1

Porsche recommends

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POXABOGUE GOLF CENTER’S SIX TOP GOLF INSTRUCTORS James Schutte, Director of Golf - Third year as Director of Golf and Golf Instructor at Poxabogue - 24th year as a Golf Professional Eric K. Schultzel PGA - Former Director of Instruction Montauk Downs. Rob Corcoran, PGA - Touring Professional in over 14 countries - Recently arrived at Poxabogue Parker Weaver, PGA Apprentice - Golf Academy of America Graduate - Golf Instructor (Poxabogue last 5 years) Thomas MacLachlan, Golf Instructor - Formerly of Garden City Men’s Club - Certified Club Fitter for World Golf in Manhattan Lee Kaiser, PGA - Head Professional at Olde Vine GC - Lessons scheduled by appointment only DRIVING RANGE, 9 HOLE GOLF COURSE PUTTING GREEN AND FULL SERVICE GOLF SHOP. RESTAURANT COMING SOON OWNED BY: THE TOWNS OF SOUTHAMPTON & EAST HAMPTON Operated by: Long Island Golf Management Inc. Edward Wankel, President James Schutte, Director of Golf Anna Throne - Holst, 4VQFSWJTPS 4PVUIBNQUPO t William Wilkinson, Supervisor/East Hampton /WNED BY 4HE 4OWNS OF 3OUTHAMPTON %AST (AMPTON !NNA 4HRONE (OLST 3UPERVISOR 3OUTHAMPTON s 7ILLIAM 7ILKINSON 3UPERVISOR %AST (AMPTON

AUTHORS NIGHT

AT

THE EAST HAMPTON LIBRARY

the Premier Literary Event of the Hamptons! Saturday, Alec Baldwin Co-Founding Chair

August 13, 2011 5 -7:30 PM

Barbara Goldsmith Co-Founding Chair

Meet more than 160 distinguished authors, buy their books and have them personally inscribed at the Authors Reception under the tent on the Library Grounds. Reception begins at 5 pm, followed by Dinner Parties at 8 pm.

Robert A. Caro Honorary Co-Chair

Dick Cavett Honorary Co-Chair

Michael Connelly Honorary Co-Chair

Nelson DeMille Honorary Co-Chair

Izzeldin Abuelaish Eric Alterman Roberta Model Amon Gina Ardito Nancy Balbirer Melissa Bank Raul Barreneche Jennifer Belle Patti Ann Bengen Barbara J, Berg, Ph.d. Jill Bialosky Georgina Bloomberg Jeff Blumenfeld Howard Blum Anthony Brandt Samantha Bruce-Benjamin Wendy Burden Alafair Burke Denise LeFrak Calicchio Talia Carner Ina Caro Robert A. Caro Michelle Caruso-Cabrera John Castagnini Fran Castan Dick Cavett Suzi Forbes Chase Tom Clavin Michael Connelly Brian Cohen Stephen F. Cohen Jennet Conant

Michael Connelly Suzanne Corso Alexander J. Covey, MD Lewis B. Cullman Dean M. DeLuke Nelson DeMille Reynolds Dodson Lisa Drayer, MA, RD Bob Drury Sarah Ellison Pat Falk Erica Farber Monte Farber Jim Fargiano Ellen Feldman Barbara Foster Michael Foster Kathy Freston Keri Gans Carol Sue Gershman Barbara Goldsmith Christina Goldstein Lewis Gross Gailanne Grosso Sue Ferguson Gussow Christina Haag Victoria Hagan Hilary Thayer Hamann Duane Hampton Alice Harris Lisa Hartman Shere Hite

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Dan Rattiner Rahna Reiko Rizzuto Gideon Rose Jasmin Rosemberg Adam Ross Lona Rubenstein Ilie Ruby Cindi Sansone-Braff Cynthia V. A. Schaffner Richard C. Scheinberg Philip Schultz Harvey Shapiro David & Victoria Siev Philip Smith Andrew Ross Sorkin Barbaralee Diamonstein-Spielvogel Justin Spring Fredrik Stanton Beth Ostrosky Stern David & Jean Stiles Alix Strauss Jeffrey Sussman Jennifer Gardner Trulson Bobby Vacca Carmen Marc Valvo Jeffrey A. Wands Amy Wilson Peter M. Wolf Lori Zabar Lewis Zacks Amy Zerner

List in Formation

For tickets and event details, visit www.authorsnight.org, stop in the Library or call (631)324-0222 x7

SPONSORS:

www.authorsnight.org

Florence Howe Susan Isaacs AJ Jacobs Dr. Bonnie Jacobson Jane Julianelli Phil Keith Jean Kemper Charla Krupp Stewart F. Lane Katie Lee Silvia Lehrer Allison Leotta Adam Lewis James Leyritz Robert Lipsyte Lauren Lombardo Ivana Lowell Jene Luciani Jeffrey Lyons Elizabeth Kerri Mahon Andrew J. Mellen Barbara Metzger James Monaco Ward Morehouse III David Nemec Jackie Newgent, RD Armineh Helen Ohanian Alison Pace Hannah Pakula David Paton Danny Peary Steven Petrow

Actual Patient

Celebrating 10 years in the Hamptons Thank you for the opportunity to care for you Mohs Surgery for Skin Cancer #PUPY t $IFNJDBM 1FFMT t -BTFS )BJS 3FNPWBM t 'SBDUJPOBM -BTFS 3FTVSGBDJOH 3FTUZMBOF t +VWFEFSN t 1FSMBOF t 4DMFSPUIFSBQZ t 5VNFTDFOU -JQPTVDUJPO *OUFOTF 1VMTFE -JHIU GPS CSPXO TQPUT BOE CSPLFO DBQJMMBSJFT

Kenneth Mark, MD, FACMS Clinical Assistant Professor NYU Department of Dermatology The most experienced fellowship-trained Mohs Surgeon and Cosmetic Dermatologist in the Hamptons

Dr. Mark was voted as a Best Doctor 2010 in America, a peer-based evaluation Benton Plaza $PVOUZ 3E 4PVUIBNQUPO .PO 'SJ

105 East 37th St #FU 1BSL BOE -FY 8FE ćVS

www.kennethmarkmd.com

&BTU )BNQUPO )FBMUI $BSF $FOUFS 1BOUJHP 1MBDF &BTU )BNQUPO 5VFTEBZ

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ELLIMAN.COM/OPENHOUSES 1436

ยฉ2011 Prudential Financial, Inc. and its related entities. An independently owned and operated broker member of Prudential Real Estate Affiliates, Inc., a Prudential Financial company. Prudential, the Prudential logo and the Rock symbol are service marks of Prudential Financial, Inc. and its related entities, registered in many jurisdictions worldwide. Used under license. Equal Housing Opportunity.

Dan’s Papers May 27, 2011 danshamptons.com Page 22

i ca l S o l u t i

VOLUME XLVIIII NUMBER 10, MAY 27, 2011

s

Bo t

OF CONTENTS

on

an

TABLE

Subway to the Beach by Dan Rattiner Hope You Read This by Dan Rattiner Will the Sag Harbor Neon Be Next? by Dan Rattiner Power to the People by Dan Rattiner Remembering Our Heroes by T. J. Clemente The First Potatohampton by Dan Rattiner Alec Baldwin’s Gift by David Lion Rattiner The Blue Parrot by T. J. Clemente Who’s Here: Darrell Hammond by David Lion Rattiner Bill & Ed by Sharon McKee Luce + Hawkins by Stacy Dermont Paul Bowles Film by Elise D’Haene Gateway Playhouse Season by Marianna Scandole Who’s Here: Faith Middleton by Dan Rattiner Raphael Saadiq and Quadron by Stacy Dermont Mr. No Shame by Nanci E. LaGarenne Westside Story Review by Roy Bradbrook Art and Turtle Day by Ana Nieto and Ivo Tomasini Benefits by Marissa Pollina Hamptons Houseguests by Rachel Abrams

70 36 40 115 56 60

Hamptons Epicure South O’ the Highway Green Monkeys Photo Pages Hamptons Subway 20something

61 62 81 84 82

Sheltered Islander By the Book Classic Cars Ten Minute Golf Whispers

121 120

North Fork Events Sommelier Stress

119 122

Over the Barrel Outdoor Room

HOUSE & HOME

128 129

Bella’s Picks Gardening

132

Fabric

DINING

134 136 140 135

Simple Art of Cooking Review: Tate’s Dining Out Side Dish

138 139 141

Nite Life Review: Grana Review: Love Lane

A&E

146 147 151

Art Commentary Art Review: The Big Show Garrison Keillor

102 156

Review: Westside Story Josh Ritter

CALENDARS

133 155

Kids Events Day By Day

152 154

Art Events Movies

AND MORE...

157 158 159

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Subway to the Beach Ribbon Cut at Cooper’s Beach This Week, Main Beach Next By Dan Rattiner Everybody has been wondering what these large caves workmen have been digging at the beach in Southampton could be. You can see them from a distance. They are halfway up the dune facing the ocean at the back of Cooper’s Beach. This dune has been fenced off since the work began last month. Only hardhat workmen are allowed in and out. So it has been a mystery. But then, this past Thursday, all that changed. Around midday, bunting and balloons were put up surrounding the cave opening. The fencing was removed, and there was this big grand opening. Mystery solved. This cave, along with another that has just been completed at Main Beach in East

es were delivered and the red ribbon was cut, after which they all went down the stairs to the platform there to take the first rides to the beach. Speaking at this grand opening by the entrance to kick things off were Southampton Mayor Mark Eply, Subway Commissioner Bill Aspinall, Supermodel Christie Brinkley, State Assemblyman Fred Thiele, County Supervisor Steve Levy, U. S. Congressman Tim Bishop and Southampton Town Supervisor Linda Throne-Holst. After they all spoke, the Southampton High School Marching Band struck up “Hail to the Chief,� and the band, headed up by baton twirler Tiffany Fishco of Water Mill, went down the stairs to the platform and everybody followed. “The beach is just a swipe of your card away,� said Congressman Bishop of Southampton up on the street during the opening ceremonies. “This is a grand day for Southampton,� said Mayor Epley. He pointed out that more than 90% of the cost of the work was paid for by the Federal government. The Subway Commissioner went to great

“The beach is just a swipe of your card away,� said Congressman Tim Bishop.

Dan Rattiner’s second memoir, IN THE HAMPTONS TOO: Further Encounters with Farmers, Fishermen, Artists, Billionaires and Celebrities, is now available in hardcover wherever books are sold. The first memoir, IN THE HAMPTONS, published by Random House, is now available in paperback.

Hampton, are the end of the line for the two new underground Hampton Subway spurs, one connecting Main Street, Southampton and Cooper’s Beach and the other connecting East Hampton with East Hampton Main Beach. Dignitaries, officials and other invited guests attended the grand opening of the spur to Cooper’s Beach last Saturday. (The opening of East Hampton Main Beach line will be next Saturday, to allow the press to write about one and then the other thus making maximum use of media ink, according to Subway Public Relations man Amos Crackenbush.) At 9:30 a.m., the guests stood out on the sidewalk in front of the subway entrance at the corner of Hampton Road and Main Street in Southampton and they clapped as the speech-

(continued on page 38)

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Congratulations, Chris Carney! The East Hampton resident was recently honored by President Obama at a ceremony for the Wounded Warrior Project’s Soldier Ride in Washington D.C. Veterans and military families gathered on the South Lawn with their bicycles to help pay tribute. * * * Amagansett resident Alec Baldwin has donated $250,000 to Guild Hall. The donation represents his proceeds from a recent commercial campaign for Capital One. * * * Artist Setsuo Ito is auctioning off his $10.99 million Water Mill estate for Japan Relief. The 12,000-square-foot oceanfront home was designed by the Japan-born artist himself. It sits on the highest point in the Hamptons and features a glass pyramid. The auction is scheduled for June 26. * * * Michael Paraskevas (that’s his cover this week, we’ve lost count as to which number this is) has an exhibit of paintings open all Memorial Day weekend at 4 North Main Street Gallery in Southampton. Stop by to see 20 years worth of paintings and illustrations from the creator of Maggie and the Ferocious Beast and the Green Monkeys. * * * Lester Gribetz, president of Lenox Corporation and former vice chairman of Bloomingdale’s, is selling his Shelter Island retreat. The 6,800-square-foot English Countrystyle spread was built in 2003 and is currently listed for $10.95 million. * * * The 2011 Hamptons International Film Festival (October 13-17) is open for submissions online, withoutabox.com/login/1160. Now entering its 19th year, HIFF continues to thrive as a prestigious forum for independent and international film and is an Academy Award-qualifying festival for short live-action and animated films. * * * Southampton’s Patricia Watt, Carolyn Kendall Buchter, Bruce Michael, Cassandra Seidenfeld Lyster and Alix Michel were among the notable Hamptonites hosting the 29th Annual Fred & Adele Astaire Awards, the only awards honoring excellence in dance and choreography on Broadway and in film, at the NYU Skirball Center for the Performing Arts. Top honors went to Anything Goes’ Sutton Foster (Best Female Dancer), Catch Me if You Can’s Norbert Leo Butz (Best Male Dancer), Mao’s Last Dancer’s Graeme Murphy and Janet Vernon (Best Film Choreographers) and Jacques d’Amboise (Douglas Watt Lifetime Achievement Award). The star-studded crowd included Brian Stokes Mitchell, Maurice Hines, Ava Astaire McKenzie, Bebe Neuwirth, Lee Roy Reams, Wendy Federman and Kathleen Marshall (continued on page 48)

Dan’s Papers January 7, 2011 danspapers.com Page 37

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Dan’s Papers May 27, 2011 danshamptons.com Page 38

Beach

(continued from page 35)

lengths to describe the unique “platform” experience at the beach end of this 12-minute run. “Due to restrictions by the EPA,” Commissioner Aspinall said, “we were not allowed to build a platform on the ocean side of the dunes from which riders could disembark,” he said. “But we made lemonade out of lemons!” At the end of the ride, the Commissioner said, the train arrives on its tracks inside the mouth of the sand dune, (which explains the “cave”) and its arrival trips a switch. “Automatically,” the Commissioner continued, holding out his right arm, “the tracks with this three-car train on them slowly extends out

60 feet into the sunshine toward the ocean. After it clangs into place and locks, a metal panel slides out sideways to form a platform along one side of the train and a metal stair lowers down to the beach 20 feet below. The passengers then disembark and go down the stairs, then the new passengers are allowed to climb up the stairs and board. After that, the doors close and the shuttle goes back the other way to Main Street.” The shuttle train consists of three brand new subway cars, the two end ones in their turn becoming either an engine or a caboose, with the center one featuring a hot dog wagon and benches for the elderly and disabled. As it’s

3723

only a 12-minute trip, the beachgoers are happy to stand, hanging onto their beach gear and the overhead straps. This reporter was honored to be among those who attended the inaugural 12-minute trip down to Cooper’s Beach, to the party held for us under the tent at the beach there and then the 12-minute trip back up to Main Street. It is easy to find the entrance to the shuttle underground in the dark inside the Southampton station. The regular trains run east to west, with the arrows pointing to Water Mill one way and to Shinnecock the other. But then, at the back of the platform, there is an entrance that is 90 degrees to the south. You just walk down there 80 feet, and there you are on an entirely new platform. Tunes by the Beach Boys waft from an overhead speaker. You swipe your card a second time—the first time gets you to the regular platform—and for just an additional $2, half of which goes to a charity that helps keep the planet green— there you are. The exterior of the three new shuttle cars are shiny white with gay scenes of the beach painted by artist Mickey Paraskevas to include beach balls, surfers, umbrellas, seals, millionaires, kids with ice cream cones, girls in bikinis and surfcasters. The sun painted on the outside shines (even in the darkness of the Southampton platform) with some sort of sparkly lights that are embedded into the exterior of the spur train. They accent the Paraskavas paintings or vice versa. In any case, the train, like some sort of rocket ship, awaits. As for this new platform, unlike the regular dingy main Southampton platform, it sparkles too. There is lots of artificial light, there are palm trees at the corners, peacocks running around free all over. From the new platform, we were all crowded into the three cars, but it was great fun. Among those I mingled with were Alec Baldwin, Billy Joel, Chuck Scarborough, Barbaralee Diamonstein-Spielvogel, Ambassador Carl Spielvogel, Gwyneth Paltrow, Ina Garten, Sarabeth Levine, Christie Brinkley, Mercedes Reuhl, Matt Lauer and Elie Tahari. Everyone was all dressed in the obligatory costume for the grand opening, described in the invitations, which was bathing attire and white changing robes. And so, the subway train lurched off. It’s an amazing experience heading down through the darkness, the smell of the hot dogs mixing with the oils and tanning lotions of the attendees and the chatter about Alec Baldwin’s latest play, Billy Joel’s new book and Christie Brinkley in that new Broadway Show. I of course hobnobbed easily with everyone. The really amazing thing came as we approached the end of this short trip. The train slowed. The sunshine appeared as a dot in front of us—something like what they say is an end of life experience— then expanded into a light and then a full-blown beautiful day. After we came to a halt, this amazing thing happened. The entire three-car subway train, with some odd but not really scary rocking, seemed (continued on page 74)

Dan’s Papers May 27, 2011 danshamptons.com Page 39

Hope You Read This If the World Ends, Writing This Story Will Have Been For Nothing By Dan Rattiner Last Friday morning, over breakfast, I read a front-page story in The New York Times about a man who was predicting that the world would come to an end on Saturday. I was very concerned about this. It’s one thing to see a bedraggled fellow in sandals and a white robe going down the sidewalk carrying a sign to that effect. What does he know? But it’s another to see a prominent story on the front page of The New York Times about it. I looked at my watch. It was 8 a.m. There were just 16 hours to go. But then I thought, what the hell? This is ridiculous. But then another voice said what if it is true?

I know a lot of people who calmly carry on with their lives not worrying about things like this. They say they take things as they come up. I am not one of them. I worry about everything all the time. Then I thought I ought to write about this world coming to an end thing and my reaction to the prospect of it. But then I thought, why do that? Dan’s Papers comes out next Thursday. If nobody reads it, the writing of it would be a big waste of time. So then I decided to wait until after Saturday to see what would happen. I could write it then. As near as I could understand it, for years, an 89-year-old retired civil engineer named Harold

Camping has been predicting that the end would come on this date. He has made millions of dollars with this prediction, assembling this enormous group of followers who, going to different churches he created around the country and sending money into a radio station called Family Radio he started, believed him when he said that Saturday, May 21, 2011, would be it. It was exactly 7,000 years since Noah and the Ark and the great flood that wiped everything out and 7,000 years was all we were going to get to make things right. On May 21, the divine spirit would swoop down in a great rapture, gather up 200,000 faithful followers, and then leave the rest of us to die (continued on next page)

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than the maximum height allowed for accessory structures of 15 feet. (They are 16 feet, one inch and the ordinance inspector, bearing a search warrant, did the measurement last September.) You could consider the legs as a mounted object on the side of the building however, since they are attached with brackets, but in that case, the legs are still in violation, extending out further from the house than the maximum allowed 18

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owners of probably the most influential art gallery on the East End. It also doesn’t matter that their home there on Madison and Henry was originally a church, and later an art gallery, and after that the home of the celebrated artist Abraham Rattner who used the main interior nave as his art studio. There are violations. The legs, as an accessory structure, are less than the required number— 34 feet—from the property line. They are taller

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By Dan Rattiner Last week, after over two years of vigorous and continuous debate, the Village of Sag Harbor finally ruled that the fabulous 16’ 1” sculpture entitled “Legs,” done by the late artist Larry Rivers, standing on the lawn of the home of Janet Lehr and Ruth Vered, has got to go. They are in violation of at least four sections of the Village code. It does not matter that Lehr and Vered are the

E G OU

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Dan’s Papers May 27, 2011 danshamptons.com Page 40

End

(continued from previous page)

in the worldwide earthquakes that would begin on this day, or if we survived them, various plagues, tornados, famines, typhoons and floods finally ending in a great fireball on October 31, which would consume everything that was left. Apparently, there were quite a number of followers of Harold Camping. Maybe as many as the whole 200,000 allowed, and now with the day almost at hand, Mr. Camping was sending them out with leaflets and fliers all over to warn people of the coming apocalypse. Mr. Camping also had purchased billboards and other advertising spaces to announce what was coming. The New York Times reporter who had written this front page article interviewed Abby and Robert Carson, who had driven to New York City in a van with their three teenage children to hand out fliers and leaflets, and visit some of their old friends in the city to whom they intended to say goodbye. In anticipation of this, Abby quit her nursing job, they ceased fixing up their house and they stopped putting money in their savings account college fund for their kids. Why bother? “I have mixed feelings,” said Abby. “I’m very excited about the Lord’s return, but I’m fearful that my children might get left behind. But you have to accept God’s will.” Their teenage children, however, were not so sure about all of this. One of them, Joseph, said he was not a believer as his parents were and he tried to keep his friends as far away from his parents as possible. Another, Grace, who is 16, said, “my mom has told me directly that I’m not going to get into heaven. At first it was really upset-

ting, but it’s what she honestly believes.” The Times reporter, Ashley Parker, also interviewed a man named Gary Daniels, 27, who had also driven to New York to say goodbye to relatives in Brooklyn. This would be later on Friday. Because late Friday night he was planning to return to his home in Newark, Delaware, to watch television the next morning and see the first earthquakes hitting New Zealand, where the day, Saturday, begins, and then continues along all over the rest of the world. “I know I’m not going to see them again,” he said, referring to his relatives. “I weep to know that they don’t have any idea that this overwhelming thing is coming right at them, pummeling toward them like a meteor.” I didn’t pay much attention to this story for the rest of Friday because I was pretty busy with this and that, but at 11 that night, a bolt of fear suddenly went through me. In another hour it would be midnight. “I wonder if the earthquakes are going to jolt us awake in the middle of the night?” I asked my wife. “What earthquakes?” My wife is one of those people who doesn’t worry about things until it’s time to worry about them. Then I thought I had read somewhere that on Saturday we would be having the end of the world, it would begin to happen at 6 p.m. So then I went to sleep. Did you know that years ago there was a guy here on eastern Long Island who very famously predicted that the world would end on February 6, 1925? He was a housepainter and paperhang-

er named Robert Reidt, and he lived in a small house on a hill in Yaphank, Long Island, not far from where the Brookhaven National Laboratory is today. I’d read about this as I recall in a coffee table history book called LONG ISLAND HISTORY published by Newsday some years ago, and now here it was in a sidebar article in Friday’s Times, with much written from the front page coverage that the Times had given the story for three consecutive days leading up to the end of the world back in 1925. Here is the Times coverage on the first of the three days before the end. The reporter noted who was at Reidt’s house chanting, praying, fasting and subsiding only on carrots and water. “Reidt, a pale-faced, fat little man of 33 (was there, along with) his buxom German wife, four pallid, frightened-looking children between the ages of 6 and 12, who repeat their father’s story in pathetic, parrot-like sentences, a bearded old farmer known only as Mr. Downs, a middle-aged spinster, a youth of 23 and four blacks from Valley Stream.” Reidt had made his prophesy based on the dates he’d read about in the works of a Seventh Day Adventist named Margaret Rowen. The world would end at one minute after midnight on February 6, 1925. That night, newspaper reporters, photographers and newsreel filmmakers from all over Long Island and New York City came out to his home and set up lights on the front lawn in the hopes that he would come out at midnight to see the signs from heaven and the death and (continued on page 42)

Dan’s Papers May 27, 2011 danshamptons.com Page 41

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(continued from page 39)

inches. The legs are female after all and the hips are wider than the 18 inches. There was a fourth violation but for the moment, in the absence of my copy of the final decision, which I seem to have misplaced, I cannot tell you what it is. The truth is, however, that none of this mattered to the powers that be in Sag Harbor. What mattered was that the neighbors did not like looking out their windows at sexy legs 16 feet high. And what mattered to the neighbors is what mattered to the Village Trustees. These were registered voters. The Trustees would find a way. The truth also is that all through Sag Harbor and elsewhere in the Hamptons, there

exist wonderful sculptural works of art on front lawns of great estates that would surely, by the same measure, be in violation of one or another of these sections of Village code, that are left alone. Works of art are wonderful. There are also other objects in Sag Harbor, archways, gatehouses, metal gates, gazing globes, tombstones and bird baths that are now in violation and should be removed but will not. For example, the sacred five-fot-tall neon SAG HARBOR sign bolted to the front wall of the Sag Harbor Theatre will have to come down. It extends out 22 inches, far more than the allowed 18. Why none of these things will come down however is that none of them are disembodied

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destruction that would follow. At five minutes to midnight, one of the reporters knocked on his front door and asked if he was coming out. There was no answer. But at exactly midnight, out he came. Flashbulbs popped and the magnesium lights of the moviemakers flared and Reidt shaded his eyes and looked up into the night sky as best as he could. Then at two minutes past midnight he went back indoors. The world did not end, but the next morning, Reidt was interviewed and he said yes he had seen the sign in the sky but it was hard to see because he had been blinded by all the magnesium movie flares people were setting off. The next day after that, he and his family moved out of this area, leaving all their possessions behind. DOOM APOSTLE LEAVES IN FORD, NOT IN CLOUD, headlined The New York Times. Well, I am writing this sitting outside by our pool in East Hampton on Saturday, May 21, at 4 p.m. It’s a sunny beautiful afternoon with the temperatures in the 70s and so far nothing has happened, but of course the day is not done. I sure hope you are reading this on Thursday. As I said, one thing I really hate is taking the time to write something that never appears in the paper and nobody gets to read. So I’m taking a chance here. There’s nothing so far from New Zealand anyway, at least according to FOX online.

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16-foot tall very outrageous, naked, sexy white legs. And that’s the problem. There is nothing in the code that differentiates a statue of legs from a statue of, say, Lieutenant Colonel Jonathan Meigs, the Revolutionary War hero who led the famous nighttime Meigs’ Raid against the British, resulting in the burning of 12 British ships, the killing of six Redcoats and the making off with 90 British prisoners. The Village historians and Trustees would prostrate themselves in ecstasy before a 16foot-tall statue of this war hero. This is Sag Harbor, after all, an old whaling village where some of the stores are still mom and pop-owned, all the history is accurate, and where there’s a metal kiddy ride horse in front of the Sag Harbor Variety Five and Ten into which you can put a quarter and enjoy watching the horse try very gently to displace your four-year-old while playing merry-go-round music. In the 40 years it’s been there, it has never succeeded. Come to think of it, that horse also will have to go. It too is an accessory structure less than 34 feet from the property line. Will Lehr and Vered challenge this decision in the courts and fight for their first amendment rights all the way up to the Supreme Court? Will Lehr and Vered now wait 60 days and if all the other things in violation do not come down, go on a wild rampage tearing the town’s offending law-breaking violations apart? Stay tuned for the next episode of Janet Lehr, Vered, Larry Rivers’ “Legs” and the Sag Harbor Village Trustees.

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Nicole Campbell

Dan’s Papers May 27, 2011 danshamptons.com Page 43

Ditch Plains at sunset.

Power to the People Montaukers Rise Up and the EH Town Board Denounces Itself By Dan Rattiner In this week’s issue of the Montauk Pioneer, the sister publication of Dan’s Papers, Paul Simon, the rock star who has lived in Montauk for the past 26 years, talks about his love for this place—its beauty, simplicity and character. He also loves it because it is so remote. He observes that Napeague provides a kind of buffer zone between Montaukers and the mainland: “If you have to pass Napeague, it’s like you’re going on a Lewis and Clark expedition.” With this in mind, I would like to report on something amazing that happened during 24 hours between Wednesday and Thursday in Montauk and East Hampton. When certain rumors went out on Wednesday at Town Hall in

East Hampton, 14 miles from Montauk, an outrage of messages on Facebook, more than 500 of them, unlike any ever seen before in these parts, caused the East Hampton Town Board to backpedal, give up on and then denounce a new law affecting Montauk that they had passed just six months ago. Over 1,300 people showed their support on Facebook. Following along on what happened as a good newspaperman, I have to say I have not witnessed anything like this. Ever. There are about six road ends at beaches in Montauk, where in the summertime, vendors in vending trucks can park and, if they have a permit from the town, sell their wares. Their wares usually are sandwiches, sodas and ice cream cones, but can also include burritos, lobster rolls

and iced coffee. It’s been a bit of a Wild West scene over the years with the vending trucks coming and going and their owners arguing with one another, but it has not become any big deal. One particular vending truck in Montauk is Lili Adams’ DITCH WITCH, which has, for the last 17 years, parked every summer at Ditch Plains Beach in the lot adjacent to the East Deck Motel. As Ditch Plains has become famous the world over as a major surfing beach (Montauk was ranked last year as number eight in American surfing destinations), so, along with it, has the Ditch Witch. Other vendor trucks are part of other scenes, not only in (continued on next page)

TAKING TIME OUT TO REMEMBER OUR HEROES By T.J. Clemente On Memorial Day the American people, according to Congressman Tim Bishop, “Take the opportunity to do something they should do every day, that is say thank you to all the veterans who died defending our country and its freedom.” Last summer, Joseph Theinert, 24, of Shelter Island, a lieutenant in the 71st Cavalry Regiment of the U.S. Army, was added to that list when he was killed in a truck bombing in Kandahar,

Afghanistan. It was Theinert’s first tour of duty overseas. In 2008, Sag Harbor resident Lance Corporal Jordan Haerter, 19, a rifleman in the Marine Corps, was killed in action in Ramadi, Iraq. The faces and memories of these two local boys who gave their country the ultimate sacrifice by offering their lives to protect our freedoms is just what Memorial Day is all about. The history of sacrifice for the cause of freedom on the East End perhaps starts with

the brave actions of the local Hamptons patriots assisting Washington’s retreat after his defeat in the Battle of Long Island. Those soldiers who died then started a long list of local heroes long gone, but never forgotten. We remember them by placing small American flags at all the local cemeteries. Attending local parades and festivities is a jewel of the American experience. The pride and patriotism one feels while watching his (continued on page 46)

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Dan’s Papers May 27, 2011 danshamptons.com Page 44

Ditch

(continued from previous page)

the six locations in Montauk, but in two locations in Amagansett, all within the jurisdiction of the East Hampton Town Board. But few rank up there with the affection afforded Lili Adams and her Ditch Witch. Indeed, nothing should have come up about the beach vendor trucks in Montauk and Amagansett at all this past winter, except that the Town, buckling under the financial excesses of a recently deposed high-spending town supervisor, was now focused on fixing things. Indeed, the new supervisor, Bill Wilkinson, has been looking in every nook and cranny to see how he could raise money and cut costs. In January, his people looked at the beach vendor wagon scene. The permits were $250. That was not very much. Why not raise the price to $4,000? That would be better. Better yet, why don’t we hold a bid in April where the prospective beach vendors can start at $4,000 and go up and up and up? With only 8 spots, it might raise about $32,000 the Town didn’t have before. It wasn’t much, but it would be something. So in late February, the new regime announced the new law and the bidding that would accompany it. Then they went about forming a committee to see on what basis they would judge the winners. It wouldn’t be fair, they thought, to just sell it to the highest bidder. Mr. Moneybags from Great Neck might win. Donald Trump might win. You had to have a level playing field. And so in February, in the heart of the winter when people in this town have very little to do, the Town had this committee sit down and in a

series of meetings come up with parameters that would help the judges decide who would win. Meeting after meeting was held. Proposals were voted through. Other proposals were shelved. In the end—and these parameters were only subsequently really known to the vendors when they got this sheet telling them about the judging— they came up with this: Thirty percent of the judging points would go for a bidder’s attention to experience, qualifications, suitability of the food provided to beachgoers and financial capabilities. Thirty percent on a business and marketing plan, and 40% on “proposed financial terms,� which meant the seasonal rent that would be paid to the town. Montauk is pretty dead in the wintertime. None of the beach trucks are out of course, although the brave surfers in their wet suits are. Nobody seemed to pay much mind to this proposed fundraising effort by the town, which—if they were paying the people on the committee by the hour—would surely result in a net loss for all this no matter how much anybody bid. In April, I was down at Indian Wells Beach in Amagansett and ran into Kenny Preuss, who for at least 10 years has been working at that spot. His truck is The Dune Doggie. That morning, he was walking his dog. “How ya’ doin?� I asked. “You bidding?� “Yeah. Last year it was $250. Now it’s 10 times that. I don’t know if I’ll win and if I do, if I could make a living at that.� He seemed discouraged. I wished him luck. Last Wednesday morning, the committee pre-

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sented its decision to the secretaries at the Town Board. They were to type up the names of the winners for the official Town Board meeting Thursday night in East Hampton. Within an hour, everybody knew the names. At Indian Wells, the owner of the popular Dune Doggie had won. At some of the Montauk beaches though, there were stunning defeats. Lili, after 17 years at Ditch Plains by East Deck, would be gone, replaced by some up-island outfit that would be selling lobster rolls at $17 a pop, and the prices would go up from there. Farther to the west at the big parking lot for Ditch Plains, there would no longer be the popular Beach Dog vendor wagon run by the Bogetti family for the past 10 years. That site now belonged to another newcomer, Montaco. At other locations, Paddy Wagon won the spot on West Lake Drive. Gin Beach Wagon had won the spot on East Lake Drive. Both had bid unopposed, it turned out. The peninsula of Montauk is about 12 miles long and three miles wide. Just about everybody is here getting ready for the summer with Memorial Day this weekend. Suddenly, a Facebook page appeared called SAVE THE DITCH WITCH and all through that day messages came in. Another site was set up for BEACH DOG. Messages came in there too. If on Wednesday morning word went around Montauk that the two big local vendors were out, by nightfall the word went out that these sites were up. It was sites like these that had then led to the protests in the squares in Cairo and else(continued on page 64)

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Dan’s Papers May 27, 2011 danshamptons.com Page 45

The First Potatohampton My Vivid Memories of all That Went Wrong on May 16, 1978 By Dan Rattiner The annual Dan’s Papers Potatohampton Minithon, which will take place this year on Saturday morning, June 4, was founded by this writer 33 years ago, on May 28, 1978. I’d like to tell you about that day. At 8 a.m. that sunny morning, my girlfriend and I and several other employees of Dan’s Papers threw some banners, folding tables, chairs, registration forms, cash and an empty cigar box into a delivery van and drove it all up to the parking lot of what is today the Kmart Shopping Center in Bridgehampton. Our starting gun would go off at 9 a.m. (runners who had urged me to have this race said the runners were dedicated souls who would want to start early), and so I thought since there might be a hundred of them or more since we had been advertising it in Dan’s Papers so vigorously for

three weeks, we ought to start it in a big parking lot nearby. That would be what is now Kmart. We’d be in and out in half an hour before they opened. They’d never know we had been there. We didn’t have one hundred people who wanted to run in this race. We had five hundred. And by five minutes to nine, with those registered waiting in astonishment at the long lines of other runners hoping to still do so at our single registration table in the parking lot, everybody began to get angry. The $10 registration fees had been going into the cigar box. (The charity was Southampton Hospital.) We had numbers we gave out but they ended at 200, and we had run out of pins, as I stood with Marty Lang, the Southampton Town Supervisor (he would make a speech and fire the starting gun) and watched all this in alarm. Then, suddenly, one of our editors stood up by the registration table and sim-

ply took matters into his own hands, literally. “That’s IT!!” he shouted. He grabbed the registration slips, lists, numbers and the cigar box and simply heaved them up in the air as high as he could to waft down in great fluttering pieces into the wind. I moved toward that crowd of people. Then stopped. “Everybody over to the starting line,” he shouted. I forget this fellow’s name, actually I have never forgotten this fellow’s name, but I am not going to tell you who he is even now. And with that, everybody—both registered and unregistered—ran over to the starting line, which was located at the eastern entrance to the shopping center, where it spills out onto Snake Hollow Road, and made a big crowd facing north. They already knew the route. I had printed up (continued on page 50)

ACTOR ALEC BALDWIN’S GIFT TO GUILD HALL By David Lion Rattiner Alec Baldwin is a Hamptons hero. He has become part of the upper echelon of celebrity, and is now an American icon—and he lives in the Hamptons. Recently, I laughed out loud while watching a commercial for Capital One Bank in which Alec Baldwin is in New York City and is visiting various New York landmarks, talking about Capital One Bank and greeting the Capital One Vikings at the end of the commercial at Lincoln Center,

which he describes as one of his most favorite places in the world. When you see Alec Baldwin on screen and he wants to be funny, you just get charmed by him. He’s simply hilarious. He doesn’t even need to do anything anymore he is so funny. I literally could watch a video of Alec Baldwin staring at a camera saying nothing, and if he were trying to be funny, I would laugh. How he has this talent, I do not know, but we are all lucky that this talent is within a person who cares about the com-

munity in which he lives. Alec Baldwin got a big payday from the Capital One commercials, and instead of buying a fancy yacht or something, he decided to give it away to organizations that make New York, and I dare say, the Hamptons what they are all about—the arts. Alec Baldwin has been spearheading a promotion and fundraising effort for Guild Hall in East Hampton since before it was fashionable to do so. And so he just gave (continued on page 52)

Dan’s Papers May 27, 2011 danshamptons.com Page 46

Memorial

(continued from page 43)

Photo Credit

or her neighbors march in a Memorial Day parade is an important part of the national fabric. Here is a list of Memorial Day events happening here on Monday: In Sag Harbor, the Sag Harbor Memorial Day Parade starts at 9 a.m. at Mashashimuet Park, going down Main Street and ending at the American Legion Post on Bay Street. When I attended this parade in the past, I just couldn’t help feeling the historic presence of parades in this timeless Main Street Sag Harbor Village. The East Hampton Memorial Day Parade starts at 11 a.m. at Guild Hall on Main Street and marches east to the East Hampton Village Monument across from the post office and next to the Windmill. I have attended this parade a few times and it features lots of fire engine sirens and local children with their parents in historic cars. Again with the beautiful East Hampton Village in high feather the feeling is wonderful. It is a flag-waving, fun, small-town moment. For information contact the East Hampton Chamber of Commerce at 631-3240362. The Southampton Memorial Day Service starts at 11 a.m. on Jobs Lane with a route to Agawam Park. For more information about the SH parade call 631-283-1623. For those west of the Shinnecock Canal there are Memorial Day Parades in both Hampton Bays and Westhampton/Quogue. The

Hampton Bays Memorial Day Parade starts at 10 a.m. at 55 Ponquogue Avenue in Hampton Bays and ends at the cemetery in a wreath placement ceremony. Hampton Bays parade information is available by calling 631-728-0342. For all those in the Westhampton area the Westhampton Memorial Day Parade starts at 11 a.m. on Montauk Highway Station Road in Westhampton. The ceremony is at the Westhampton Cemetery War Memorial with a reception immediately following at the VFW Hall on Montauk Highway in Quogue. For information about the Westhampton parade call 631-288-3263. In Montauk on Memorial Day Weekend, there will be a two-day (Sunday, May 29 and Monday, May 30) event. On Sunday at 12:30 p.m., marchers will gather for the first “Montauk Memorial Parade of Flags” near

the Montauk Post Office. The celebration starts on the Village Green early on Memorial Day, Monday, with Reveille and flag raising at 8 a.m. Any U.S. Veteran interested in enjoying a free Dinner for Vets, donated by The Old Harbor House on Sunday the 29, please contact Ken at 516527-8593. Dinner will include a video presentation of Red Skelton’s famous emotional routine about “The Pledge of Allegiance.” Just a few weeks back, I visited Washington, D.C., and took the time to visit both the Vietnam War Memorial and the World War II Memorial. Seeing so many names carved into stone makes one take pause to realize the hundreds of thousands of American men and women, some really just boys and girls, who died defending our futures. Joseph Theinert and Jordan Haerter, who most likely attended a few of these parades, are now on the long list of those who have perished on battlefields. I attended Pelham Memorial High School located on a former American Revolution Battle Field where almost every local militiaman there died in an attempt to delay the British from reaching Washington’s forces. On top of the High School auditorium are the words, “Honor here the morals for which they fought.” On Monday May 30, 2011, it is our collective honor as a nation to thank all who served and died. They live through the freedom that endures.

Dan’s Papers May 27, 2011 danshamptons.com Page 47

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Dan’s Papers May 27, 2011 danshamptons.com Page 48

South O’ the Highway

LONDON JEWELERS IS HOT IN THE HAMPTONS

(and the North too)

(continued fromt page 36)

and Hamptonites Jean Shafiroff, Robert Lyster, Caroline Lieberman, Richard Novak, Don Duga, Berry Brown and Andrew Wargo. Sara Johnson Kaplan and Jamie Watkins were benefit co-chairs. The evening was directed by Joe Lanteri. The awards were founded by the late drama critic Douglas Watt of Southampton and Fred Astaire. Long Island’s Dynamic Dance Company closed the show with an electrifying finale. * * * Robert Zimmerman of Southampton has been appointed by Governor Andrew M. Cuomo to the Spending and Government Efficiency (SAGE) Commission. SAGE is the first major redesign of state government since Governor Alfred E. Smith in 1927. The 20member commission has been established to modernize and right-size state government, improve performance, increase accountability and save taxpayers money. * * * The pilot episode of “Revenge,” set in the Hamptons, was picked up by ABC for its fall lineup. Emily Van Camp, from “Everwood,” stars as Emily Thorne. The cast also includes Madeleine Stowe, Gabriel Mann, Henry Czerny, Ashley Madekwe, Nick Wechsler, Josh Bowman, Christa B. Allen and Connor Paolo. “Revenge” was created by Mike Kelley, the man behind CBS’s short-lived but critically acclaimed series “Swingtown.” Phillip Noyce, the director of Angelina Jolie films Salt and The Bone Collector, as well as Harrison Ford films Patriot Games and Clear and Present Danger, directed the pilot. Marty Bowen and Wyck Godfrey, the executive producers of the Twilight film series, produced. USA cable network’s show based in the Hamptons, “Royal Pains,” wrapped up filming of its third season last month. * * * Hamptonites Jerry Seinfeld and Kelsey Grammer joined Tom Hanks, Alicia Keys, Michael Jordan, Gayle King, Stevie Wonder and others at the Four Seasons hotel in Chicago last week for a star-studded blowout celebrating Oprah’s last show. Bridgehampton’s Madonna also participated by filming a segment for a tribute episode honoring the talk show queen. * * * After signing off “CBS Evening News” for good last week, South Forker Katie Couric celebrated her five-year gig with friends at a late-night party at Manhattan’s 1Oak. * * * Amagansett resident Gwyneth Paltrow may have more time to spend at the beach this summer since her rumored country record deal with Atlantic has reportedly fizzled out. Said Paltrow’s rep, “Atlantic was not the only company pursuing her…it is still something she’s con-

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Not all vendors found in both locations.

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(continued on page 68)

Dan’s Papers May 27, 2011 danshamptons.com Page 49

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Dan’s Papers May 27, 2011 danshamptons.com Page 50

Potato

(continued from page 45)

200 8-by-11-inch sheets of us laughed. paper and folded them into Well, the more responsible four-page booklets with the members of my staff, mostly map as one of the items on it, the women, were now walking and so there it was. around picking up the litter of And they were off. They the failed registration, and so whooped and hollered and ran that was being taken care of. north up toward Scuttlehole And so, with that, I told Marty Road. Marty and I, quite a bit thank you very much and behind all these athletes and then with my girlfriend got into my car, and we went out still in the parking lot, looked Everybody who finished onto Snake Hollow Road and at one another. Marty had got one of these. soon caught up to the runners bought the Town Recreation where that road turns into Mitchell Lane and Department Starter Pistol. “Just aim it at my head,� I told him. Neither of heads for a mile or so up to Scuttlehole. They

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were beginning to spread out behind a leader in a long line of pumping runners in various colorful costumes, and they were kind of a blur as we went by and off to the open road ahead. There were no signs on trees about where to turn for this race. There were no police officers at any of the turns. There were no water stops anywhere. Unaware of the protocol of running a race—this was the first public race ever held in the Hamptons—I had no idea of what I was doing, was just making it up as I went along and was now just so blissfully happy to have created this monstrosity, so much larger than what I had conceived, and so roared on. It was my girlfriend who was driving, actually. I had my camera with me, a long-lens Canon, and I was leaning out the window taking pictures of the crowd thundering along behind. But then, a dark thought came over me. I had discovered this big problem just a week before the race. And it might be that people could get killed. “Pull way ahead,� I told my girlfriend. “Turn left at Hayground. We have got to get to the railroad crossing fast!� Here is what I had done a month before the race. I had set out a route that would take runners past some of the most beautiful scenery we had. My idea at that time was—this was long before we were jammed with summer visitors and at the time we wanted MORE visitors—that if I brought the runners past the beautiful scenery on a Sunday morning right during Memorial Day Weekend, at the end of the race, they’d tell their friends and family and more people would come out to the Hamptons, meaning more $$ for the merchants and after that more advertising for us. I had selected a route heading off north through the farm fields of Mitchell, left onto Scuttlehole past the three magnificent ponds and potato fields there, left onto Hayground past the dairy farm, across the railroad tracks and south to the Montauk Highway and then down into Sagaponack to the beautiful little bridge and the old Sagaponack General Store and two-room schoolhouse and the windmill. It would be just a dazzling display for those running in this race. And crossing the railroad tracks would not be a problem. Everybody would go off at the starting line just a hundred yards south of the tracks when there was no train coming. They’d be in a big clump. What were there anyway, two trains a day? What could go wrong? But then as race week approached I thought about it. Maybe I ought to check. And so it was, a week before the event that, just to be sure, I called the railroad to find out when those times would be at those crossings, at Snake Hollow going northbound and at Hayground going southbound, and what I found out was that the train would pass going eastbound full steam ahead at 9:14 a.m., just 14 minutes after the start! The runners would be crossing southbound for the second time, at Hayground, exactly when the train was coming through! “Can you ask the train to wait?� I asked. “No. It has to keep to a schedule.� “What could you do?� “We could have it slow way down and honk a (continued on page 53)

Dan’s Papers May 27, 2011 danshamptons.com Page 51

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$250,000 to Guild Hall and he also gave money to the Hamptons International Film Festival, in addition to other institutions in New York City that support the arts. All of this money came from the money that he recently earned from his latest Capital One commercial, and to top off the gesture, Baldwin negotiated with Capital One in advance, as part of their agreement with Baldwin for Capital One to matching his donations on their website to Americans for the Arts. Baldwin stated in a press release, “My partnership with Capital One serves as a platform to generate awareness about the need for arts funding. Government funding has been significantly reduced and I think that is bad for arts education and America’s cultural heritage. Guild Hall serves the community throughout the year by providing inspiring performances, films, readings and exhibitions, along with arts education in schools and other activities that are needed.” The money that went to Guild Hall is very much needed, according to the Executive Director of Guild Hall, Ruth Appelhof. “Alec’s generous donation will help support our mission which is to nurture, cultivate and promote visual and performing artists on the East End. Over 40,000 people visit Guild Hall every season. With the recent cut in government funding, we are depending more and more on private and corporate giving to achieve our goals. We very much appreciate Alec’s support which will go toward paying off the final $2 million left in our Capital Campaign following our recent renovation.” And it’s this kind of relentless fundraising and effort that is required to keep arts in New York alive and well. Arts programs are always scrambling to find money, especially in live theatre and in local theatre, which constantly need basic funding. You might be able to find local actors to get up on stage for free, but the wood and paint to build sets on the stage, the cost of keeping the lights on in the theater and all of the other expenses involved, are impossible to do without money. So we could all learn a thing or two from Baldwin this week, and we could all get out there and see as clearly as he does the importance of the arts and support them with a little bread.

©Ronald J. Krowne Photography 2008

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(continued from page 45)

Dan’s Papers May 27, 2011 danshamptons.com Page 53

Rumors Fly About the Blue Parrot By T.J. Clemente The original owner of the Blue Parrot Lee Bieler has informed me that the present ownership of the Blue Parrot, which includes Jon Bon Jovi, Ron Perlman and Renee Zellweger seem to have had enough of the East Hampton restaurant business and are entertaining the idea of putting the Parrot up for sale, after owning it for two years. A long-time East End favorite for the Tex-Mex loving crowd, the Blue Parrot received its name in 1989 when Bieler, a Montauk/Hawaii dual citizen, was at his winter home in Hawaii. Bieler frequented a Mexican restaurant there called The Blue Parrot (but in Spanish). A light went off in his head. The rest is East Hampton folklore.

Potato

Woody Harrelson, Mercedes Ruehl, Cynthia Nixon, Alec Baldwin, Christie Brinkley, Jimmy Buffett, Billy Joel and former Dolphins football great Nick Buoniconti and Regis Philbin all use to stop in at least once a year to sample the margarita mix. In fact, Bieler sold Bill Murray a poster from the restaurant’s bathroom and had a truly great night partying with Cheryl Tiegs. In his words, “when Cheryl Tiegs was Cheryl Tiegs.” In the last two years the Parrot had visits from Paul McCartney and a surprise mini Jon Bon Jovi concert, at which he quipped to the crowd, “You don’t get this at Nick & Toni’s.”

Tucked away off the East Hampton Village parking lot, The Blue Parrot was not easily found by the general public. But once discovered, this quirky, laid-back Tex-Mex bar and restaurant that came on the scene 22 years ago became a favorite watering hole for locals, summer renters and celebrities alike. It was a place to let your hair down. The late author James Brady, while sipping a Pacifico, the beer of choice at the Parrot, said to me, “It’s just a place off the Main Street where you feel like you’re right off the beach. That’s what I put in my books, it has a pulse.” Perhaps, no longer.

(continued from page 50)

lot.” I actually wrote about the possibility of the train in the race program. The map noted the two crossings. “If you get to the second crossing at Hayground and the crossing gate comes down indicating the train is going to shortly pass through,” I wrote, “just jog in place.” What else could I do? We drove swiftly west down Scuttlehole and turned left onto Hayground heading south. The railroad crossing was about half a mile down. Two hundred yards beyond was the busy Montauk Highway with the police with their flashing lights ready to stop the traffic so the race could cross over and head down into Sagaponack. I saw that the railroad crossing gates were still up. I crossed my fingers that we could get across before they came down, and we did. Now we were down near the melee of the police cars and flashing lights. I tried to make a U-Turn to go back to the railroad gate, but an officer wouldn’t let me. He tried waving me on. “Race is coming down Hayground,” he told me. “You can’t go back. Just come on through.” He was indicating the Montauk Highway. “I’m running the race,” I said. He nodded, motioned for me to park on the grass there, and in a flash we were out of the car and running up to the railroad gates. The leaders, three of them, were coming down Hayground toward us from far away. They were going to make it. No they weren’t. CLANG, CLANG, CLANG, the gates sounded. The lights flashed. And there it was, the gates slowly lowered. Then I could hear the horn of the train, and then there it was, slowly just as they said it would be, coming, and coming and now about to come through. At this point the runners were now obediently running in place right on the other side of the gate. And then I couldn’t see them anymore as the train began crossing the road. But now I couldn’t bear to face them when the gates would come back up. I had screwed up their rhythm and planning. “Let’s run back to the highway,” I said to my girlfriend. And so we turned around and ran off, with the (continued on next page)

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Dan’s Papers May 27, 2011 danshamptons.com Page 54

Potato

(continued from page 50)

train still coming slowly through just as that man had said it would, and so it was that we got back to the highway before the lead runners and I was able to take a picture of them as they came down. I looked behind me. There at that crossing of the Montauk Highway, the police had completely stopped all the traffic on Route 27 in both directions. And then here came the leaders now, past us, the five of them (two stragglers had caught up at the gate), in a bunch and safely across the Montauk Highway with the police holding all the traffic up and down Newlight Lane and on into Sagaponack. There was a big space after these first five. And then a few more runners came and then a few more. After three or four minutes, about 30 run-

ners had come through, and you could see up the road that there was this endless line of runners all spread out all the way up almost to Scuttlehole. I looked at the sergeant who was standing on the white line of the highway in charge of the shutdown, and motioned to what was up Hayground and he looked at me. “I thought they were coming in a group all together,� he shouted at me frantically. “We can only do this a few more minutes.� “Aaaargh,� I said. And so, five minutes later, he did just that. Now—and I was standing there watching this in horror—it was just the cops slowing down all the motorists and the runners weaving between the

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cars coming through individually and in packs and I just prayed that nobody was going to get killed. I waited there watching this for only another five minutes. I couldn’t bear to watch it. And so we got in the car and left to go to the finish line. If somebody died, I just didn’t want to be there. This was long before people sued you over the slightest thing. Well, I will end this commentary here. I will tell you that the race was won by Marcel Phillipe, who was a member of the French Olympic track team. He commented to me as he crossed the finish line in just over 30 minutes flat, that he could not possibly have run that fast. “Your course is too short,� he said. “It’s not 10k.� “I drove it and measured it on my car speedometer,� I told him. “That was 10K.� He looked at me blankly. “You need professional people,� he said. Other people complained to me about other things, the lack of water stops, the train, blah blah blah, and I thought what a bunch of wimps. But then a whole lot of other people congratulated me and told me what a wonderful thing this was and I should just concentrate on fixing it for next year. So that’s the story of the first Dan’s Potatohampton Minithon Race ever, back in the day, when the New York Marathon was in its infancy and us pioneers were not yet deified for what we did to start the running race industry— though I do bow down to the Boston Marathon, of course, which had been going on a long time by then. Since then, we’ve run the race more or less smoothly. It’s no longer a 10k. It’s a 5k. In the past, we’ve had potato farmers show up at the finish line and hand out sacks of potatoes to the participants. We’ve had a psychiatrist on duty at the Sagg Bridge, which on the day of our race was in a weakened state about to be repaired and closed to car traffic and it was the psychiatrist’s job to see to it that the participants tiptoed across. (The psychiatrist came from a research division of Stony Brook Hospital, which was the beneficiary that year.) That went well. There was the time people came in costume and ran as, for example, a couple of French-fried potatoes. And there was the time when we ran it in 100degree heat and the leader of the race collapsed just a quarter mile before the finish line. (He lived.) And there was the time when the entire community was flooded with torrential rains and although on rain day it was sunny we had to cancel because the route was in some places something you would have to wade waist deep through. It’s all been great fun. See you at 8:30 a.m. on the morning of June 4, in the little two-acre Militia Park on Ocean Road in Bridgehampton, just 50yards south of the Montauk Highway on the west side, where Almond Restaurant has just re-opened. One lucky runner who pre-registers will get a chance to win a $500 bike donated by Twin Forks Bicycles of Riverhead, which will be raffled off on race day. We don’t cross the tracks anymore. Good idea that decision, too.

Dan’s Papers May 27, 2011 danshamptons.com Page 55

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Week of May 27- June 3, 2011 Riders this week: 11,821 Rider miles this week: 106,847 DOWN IN THE TUBE Writer Jay McInerney was seen on the same subway train between Bridgehampton and Sag Harbor as Jon Stewart and Tina Fey, but each of them was on the train at a different time, McInerney in the morning, Stewart in the afternoon and Fey around 7 p.m. Why were they going around separately like this?

GOING GREEN As I am sure you are aware, the subway system is now festooned with big green signs with white letters that read HAMPTON SUBWAY GOES GREEN in honor of the campaign to teach people how important it is to save the environment. In the coming weeks, however, these signs are coming down as we have learned that the paint company we hired to make these signs has been charged by a government agency with using cheap, outlawed lead-based paint on all the signs

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they produce. Since in response, the company, called Bubbling Brook Signs, has gone out of business, it remains to be seen how soon we will be able to get them redone and back up. MEMORIAL DAY Hampton Subway is fully prepared for the crowds of Memorial Day. All 30 of our “pushers� are going through physical training programs to be strong enough to herd people from the platforms into the subway cars beginning on Friday. And to our fleet of 36 subway cars, we are adding an additional six, lent to us by the West Palm Beach Subway System. Do not be confused if the subway you board says West Palm Beach on it. It’s really just for the weekend. RIVAL SUBWAY SYSTEM IDEA DEFEATED The Hamptons Town Council has rejected an application for a SECOND subway system for the Hamptons to be called the EE Subway (stands for East End—get it?). The plan, put together by Russian Oligarth Jawara Badanov, who recently bought a house on Meadow Lane in Southampton, was turned down by a vote of 4-3. Reportedly, his house, which he paid $44 million for, is now back on the market at $27 million, first come first served. NEW SUBWAY TO THE BEACH The editors of this newsletter were as shocked as anybody to learn on Tuesday that two new spurs have secretly been added to the line, one from Main Street Southampton to Cooper’s Beach and the other from Main Street East Hampton to Main Beach. The Southampton Spur opened for business with a ribbon cutting on the platform at Main Beach last Saturday, reportedly with Israeli President Benjamin Netenyahu and China’s Prime Minister Wen Hu holding up the two ends. We have no idea who will be attending and holding the ribbon up in East Hampton, although it is rumored it might be Lady Gaga. BUMP REPAIRED Riders have long hung onto their seats in recent years as the subway passes this spot about midway between Quogue and Quiogue, where there is a kind of speedbump. All subway conductors are required to call out “here comes the speedbump,� just before that spot is reached, and as a result of that order, there have been no incidents or injuries when the subway passes over. Experts hired by Hampton Subway say this speedbump, a lurch upwards of about eight inches for a four-foot stretch, say that it was caused by a very tiny earthquake, the tiniest earthquake ever to hit the United States at 0.04, which was measured here in 1974. Well now, our workmen have repaired this bump, using a bulldozer rigged up with subway wheels, which was towed out to that part of the tunnel last Wednesday night and during the four hours the subway is closed for maintenance, did the work. Now everything is smooth as a goose. After the work was done, many of the subway conductors say they shouted out “here comes the speedbump� just out of habit, and the people hung on though there was no speedbump, and it took them most of the day to remember each time not to say that. FUNDRAISER FOR THE SUBWAY Beginning this weekend, Hampton Subway volunteers are going to be sitting in chairs behind folding tables on the platforms, asking (continued on page 60)

Dan’s Papers May 27, 2011 danshamptons.com Page 57

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Dan’s Papers May 27, 2011 danshamptons.com Page 60

TWENTY SOMETHING by David Lion Rattiner

I heard a joke that I really like about two weeks ago and I can’t help from retelling it over and over again. This happens to all of us every once in a while, and we can’t help but repeat the joke over and over. Relax, it’s a clean joke. Just read it, you will laugh. A bird was flying south for the winter, and it was freezing cold outside. He was pushing along real hard and was flying by himself because he had fallen behind from the rest of the flock. It wasn’t long before he got so cold, that his right wing froze and it sent him soaring to the ground with a hard thud, breaking his wing. Now a bird without a wing is in really bad shape, especially in the wintertime, and this bird knew that things could not get any worse. He sort of knew that his life was over and decided that he was going to accept his fate and die with dignity. As he was saying his final prayers, a cow walked over to the bird on the ground and saw the bird there, still breathing, but with a bro-

(continued from page 56)

straphangers as they come through to donate whatever they can spare to help pay for the two new Subway lines to the beach. The original cost estimates were exceeded dramatically because much of it had to be built in secrecy and workmen were not clear when to show up and on what days so the work moved along in fits and starts. Please be generous. (continued on next page)

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cat. The cat walked over to the pile of crap, where he heard birdsong coming from. The cat then investigated the crap, brushing it away, and discovered a healthy, happy bird just lying there. And pretty much instantly, and without any warning to the bird, the cat pinned the bird to the ground with its claws and ate him. The cat then walked away, going about his business, never really knowing or caring about the entire ordeal that the bird had gone through over the last couple of months. And the moral of the story is: Not everybody that craps on you is your enemy. Not everybody that gets you out of crap is your friend. And if you are in really deep crap, you should keep your mouth shut.

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ken wing. The cow thought it would be funny if he would poop on the bird and walk away, sort of as a sick joke. This particular cow was a complete jerk. So the bird opened his eyes as he prepared for a dignified death, only to discover that he had been completely covered with poop. “This is no way to die,” he said to himself, and he began to cry he was so humiliated. But as he lay there, covered in cow poop, waiting for death, he noticed that he was feeling more and more comfortable over time. The poop was insulating him from the cold and was actually keeping him warm. The bird was slightly confused, but as time went on, he noticed that the smell was no longer bothering him and then realized that there was absolutely no way he was going to freeze to death thanks to it. The entire winter went by, and the bird stayed very still on his back, making sure that he was using as little energy as possible so that he wouldn’t starve to death, and before he knew it, the cold was gone, his wing was healed and all that he really needed to worry about was how deep in crap he was. This made the bird so happy, that he started to sing. It was one of the most beautiful songs that he ever sang, and he sang it louder and louder. There was one beautiful harmony after another, the bird was so happy to be alive, he simply couldn’t stop from screaming out his best bird singing. His singing however, drew the attention of a

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Dan’s Papers May 27, 2011 danshamptons.com Page 61 (continued from previous page)

RAIN, RAIN GO AWAY During this past week of driving rain, many people headed down to the subway platforms to dry out. We did a brisk umbrella-selling business down there. The deal was you could get a subway card and swipe your way to stand on the platform, or you could buy an umbrella, which were being sold by our token booth people, but you couldn’t be allowed back up onto the street unless you did one or the other. Our subway security guards did a simply wonderful job attending to this. The umbrellas say “I LOVE HAMPTON SUBWAY.” NEW SUBWAY TREADS FOR THE STAIRS The new slip-proof, rubberized tread covers for the stairs going up and down to all the subway platforms have arrived at our Hampton Bays headquarters and will be installed in the week after Memorial Day. They will make things a lot easier for people, especially those who are disabled and cannot climb stairs. COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE I have personally invited President Barack Obama to attend and perhaps hold one of the ends of the ribbon at the inaugural ribbon-cutting on the Southampton Subway platform this Saturday at noon. (Lady Gaga might hold the other end.) It would be a great honor if he were to show up, as it would showcase small subway systems all around the United States, if there are others in addition to ours. Aides to the President say he is seriously considering our request and may cut his European tour short, but a lot would depend upon the schedule of the Pope, because he cannot miss that meeting.

3097

THE SHELTERED ISLANDER by Sally Flynn

Where Heroes Come From I don’t know where heroes go. But I do know where they come from. They come from the Southwest with tolerance from working in hot desert suns. They come from the Northwest with strong arms from working in the forests. They come from the Great Plains where they

inhale freedom with every breath. They come from Mid-western farms with strong backs and clear minds. They come from Texas with attitude. They come from the sweltering South with stubborn determination. They come from the mid-Atlantic seaboard with senses sharpened by the sea. They come from New England with patriotism and ingenuity. And sometimes they even come from small islands, not even recorded on most maps. They come with common sense, straightforward morality and an understanding of community love and loyalty, so much so, that, like our Joe, they’d forfeit their lives for the greater good. No, I don’t know where heroes go. But I do know where they come from.

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Dan’s Papers May 27, 2011 danshamptons.com Page 62

BY THE BOOK by Joan Baum

Twice a Spy It seems inevitable that after 9/11, spy novels, trying to keep up with truths stranger than fiction, such as shoe bomber plots, would grow evermore complicated and technological. So it

was just a matter of time, perhaps, before the line was crossed between real-world terrorism and intelligence intrigue, and surreal, overthe-top takes on these. Count New York Times bestselling author Keith Thomson among the masters of this serio-satiric genre. Last year’s Once a Spy is being made into a movie by Sony Pictures, and Twice a Spy, just out (Doubleday), continues the fun and games between the ever-shifting good and bad guys, with some laugh-out-loud moments and zany, absurdist romps. What we didn’t know about “rumint� (rumor intelligence) or ADMs (atomic demolition munitions) that can be disguised as washing machines or videos hidden in staplers, or SDRs (surveillance detection routes), or microscopic transponders fired into coats! “Cutouts�

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abound (pawns set up by intelligence groups), and aliases and code references pile up with such speed that even the main characters forget who’s who and what’s what. When the director of the CIA is asked what NEST means, as in NEST teams being deployed “in waters between Saint Lucia and the coast of India,� he replies, “Oh . . .uh, Nuclear Emergency Search . . . something.� At least one of the principals has reason to forget: he’s Drummond Clark, held over from Once a Spy, a retired CIA top op now deep into Alzheimer’s, though in lucid moments he can fly complex planes, fling small objects at enemies with deadly accuracy and exercise subtle martial arts maneuvers. Drummond, in Switzerland for experimental treatments for Alzheimer’s, is on the lam from the CIA, along with his son, mathematical whiz and racetrack addict Charlie Clark. Though not until two weeks ago was Charlie aware that his father was anything but a washing machine salesman (“Who knew?�). They have been set up by the CIA whose agents are out to get them at the same time that terrorists are out to buy the ADM. Charlie wants to clear their names but is wary of involving his father. Drummond insists, however, because, well, because of Charlie’s son. “I don’t have a son,� Charlie says, to which Dad replies, “You ought to.� Thomson knows how to deliver a fast-paced, dizzying yarn that playfully invites the reader to recognize the game. When Charlie’s love, NSA agent Alice Rutherford, suggests that they “head back to Geneva,� Charlie knows she really means, “leave for Gstaad.� It goes like that. Often with an admixture of littleknown lore. Did you know that there are 244 McDonald’s in India? Or that Dijon is not only the mustard center of Europe but “home to the most dazzling collection of medieval and Renaissance buildings in the world?� Although he now lives in Alabama, with his wife and two small children, Thomson, who used to summer regularly in Bridgehampton and has family on the East End, participated in Bookhampton’s May 15-17 Mystery Weekend. He’s a former editorial cartoonist for Newsday and often writes about “natsec� (national security) and intelligence matters for The Huffington Post. His bio also notes that he is a former semipro baseball player in France, a filmmaker (Sundance) and a screenwriter. The most often-asked question of him at readings, he says, is whether he’s ever been in the CIA, and when he says no, the rejoinder is that only a tried-and-true spook would say that. But now, in a generous moment, he’s going to “tell the whole, unexpurgated story� – as long as it’s kept “between him and the readers of Dan’s Papers.� Yes, he was indeed in the CIA: “on the night of December 13, 2008. For a conference.� And to share a drink with then agency head Michael Hayden. “Actually, we each had our own drink.� Note: It’s not necessary to have read the first book to enjoy the sequel. It’s obvious, Thomson’s on a roll. Look for the sequel to the sequel! Twice A Spy by Keith Thomson is available locally and online.

Dan’s Papers May 27, 2011 danshamptons.com Page 63

This Memorial Day take a moment to remember our soldiers who have fallen while protecting our freedom and liberty. God bless them!

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The Gateway to the Hamptons starts at exit 70 A great weekend starts at King Kullen where healthy choices have never been easier. King Kullen has introduced the NuVal™ Nutritional Program in all their stores. With just one glance at the product’s NuVal™ score, you know the nutritional value. NuVal™ scores range from 1 to 100 – the higher the score the better the nutritional value. Over 14,000 products carry a NuVal™ score on the shelf price ticket, and every month more products will be added so that you can “Trade-Up” for better nutrition. King Kullen is a proud supporter of Long Island Farmers.

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Dan’s Papers May 27, 2011 danshamptons.com Page 64

Ditch

(continued from page 44)

where that led to the overthrow of the governments in Egypt and Tunisia in recent months. These were big deals. What was happening in Montauk was not a big deal. It was a VERY big deal. Also during that Wednesday afternoon, calls came raining into town hall from Montaukers, and also from reporters looking for comments. “It wasn’t the Town Board’s fault that Ditch Witch lost,� siad one member of the Board. “It was the Ditch Witch’s fault. They did not make a good enough proposal to win.� Postings to the two sites now were coming in from all over. Sam Pa’e of Hawaii posted this: “I have just found out of this situation in

Montauk. It is a sad moment for me and my heart goes out to Lili and the beach-going community of Ditch Plains. As a newcomer from Hawaii, the Ditch Witch welcomed me in, watching my personal belongings and keeping them safe while I was there last summer‌Lili made me feel at home and part of the Ditch Witch Ohana, which in Hawaii we call “Familyâ€?‌My heart will be forever grateful for what Lili has done for me and sharing her ‘Aloha.’â€? Laura Michaels posted this: “Dear East Hampton Town Board. While the formal awarding of the beach concessions have not been made, it appears that there is great concern amongst the Montauk and East Hampton community that the Ditch Witch, which has been

COME CELEBRATE SOUTHAMPTON’S

a fixture of Ditch Plains, may not be awarded the right to continue to serve the community as she has for so many years. Quite simply, Ditch will not be the same without the Ditch Witch. John Behan, one of the most respected men in Montauk and a former state assemblyman, had this to say. “The town board is for the dogs—the Ditch Witch will live forever!!!� In another five hours, waves of people wrote to the site, heaping insult upon insult onto the heads of the East Hampton Town Board. By Wednesday night, the total number of postings exceeded 1,000. The Town Board, very shaken, assembled on Thursday afternoon for a special, hastily-called meeting. Town Supervisor Bill Wilkinson set the tone of what was to follow. He held up the sheaf of paper showing the winning bidders. “Because of the number of inquiries we are getting, we are stepping in to review the original proposals. For instance, the first thing that jumps off the page at us is this Turf Lobster Rolls vendor that wins at Ditch Plains. They have a very limited menu. It starts at $17 for a lobster roll.� Councilman Dominick Stanzione said he noticed some minor tabulation errors in the point scoring when it came down to between Ditch Witch and Turf Lobster Rolls. Town Councilwoman Theresa Quigley said, “I’ve reviewed the proposals submitted and realize that the bidders hadn’t been given a detailed breakdown of the points to be assigned in each subcategory. I think that renders the bids (continued on page 78)

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* * * In an appearance on “Access Hollywoodâ€? last week, Sag Harbor’s Christie Brinkley said exhubby Billy Joel advised her to get singing lessons as soon as he heard she’d be playing Roxie Hart in Broadway’s Chicago. The fellow Hamptons crooner claimed she needed to learn how to project her voice so that it reached the back of the room. * * * “Terra Nova,â€? the new show from executive producer and East Hampton resident Steven Spielberg, will lead FOX’s 2011-2012 lineup. The sci-fi drama follows a family as they travel back in time to prehistoric earth and try to save the human race. * * * Amagansett’s Alec Baldwin will join Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell in Three Mississippi, a comedy about a family who starts playing an annual football game after watching the Kennedys play during Thanksgiving. Baldwin plays a dying father who asks his estranged son to lead their team to victory. * * * Several popular Hamptons restaurants made the top 10 in Zagat’s 2011/2012 guide, including Dave’s Grill in Montauk, Starr Boggs in Westhampton Beach, Mirko’s in Water Mill, Plaza CafĂŠ in Southampton and Stone Creek Inn in East Quogue. Southold’s North Fork Table and Inn snagged the top spot. * * * Elie Tahari and Julie and Bruce Menin will be honored at the Phoenix House Summer Party, on Saturday, June 25 at the Southampton oceanfront home of Margie and Michael Loeb. Haley and Jason Binn, Tony DiSanto and Charlie Walk are the Honorary Chairs. Event Chairs are Heide Banks, Tanya Zuckerbrot Beyer and Glenn Beyer, Rose Marie Bravo, CBE, Stephanie and Frank Doroff, Robin and Gerald Lefcourt, Jeffrey and Ashley McDermott, Pamela Morgan, Andrew Rosen, Michael Slocum, Gail Tobias and Jennifer Zeller. All proceeds benefit Phoenix House’s two East End programs: the residential facility in Wainscott and the outpatient clinic in East Hampton. * * * Dan Rattiner and his trusty dog Moo will lead the June 11 Paws Across the Hamptons Dog Walk along with Ellen Scarborough, Sandra McConnell and Chris Obetz, Karen LeFrak, Peter Hallock, Southampton Village Mayor Mark Epley, Southampton Hospital VP Robert Ross, Debbie Bancroft, Andy Sabin and Sally Fan, Jean Remmel, Little Fitzsimmons, the Shafiroff family and others, all with their respective dogs. Check-in is 9:30 a.m. at Southampton High School. All to benefit the Southampton Animal Shelter Foundation.

Dan’s Papers May 27, 2011 danshamptons.com Page 69

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HAMPTONS EPICURE Stacy Dermont

It’s good that you’re sitting for this. It is shocking but true—no glossy national magazine has ever asked the Hamptons Epicure for her list of top 10 favorite things. In an effort to quell the ever-growing breathless anticipation, here they are: 1. Local Farmers Markets. All local farmers markets are fabu because they offer the freshest, most local, in-season fruits and vegetables there are. It makes environmental, as well as nutritional sense, to shop at your local farmers market. I go to three. Sag Harbor’s I can walk to and do so religiously. Hayground is on Fridays, so I pick up a bunch of stuff for summer weekends there. The Springs Farmers Market is the newest on the South Fork, so I’m fascinated with it and have to check it out. It started last year on Tuesdays in Ashawagh Hall. It’s about to re-open on Saturdays. See Dan’s Day-By-Day calendar on page 155 for days and times. 2. Blossom Meadows Candles. These North Fork-made candles burn longer, brighter and cleaner than any others I’ve tried. I’ve tried

them all; I have something of a candle fixation (see also items number 3 and 4). Plus, these candles exude a light wild flowery scent when burned. Conveniently, I can pick them up from Respectable Collectables, my fave gifty shop on Henry Road in Southampton. Blossommeadow.com. 3. Those Little Sticky Things That Keep Taper Candles In Place. I had to look at the package to see what they’re called, “Candlesfasts by the A. I. Root Company.” I buy them from Loaves and Fishes Cookshop in Bridgehampton. This brand melts away with the candle so there’s no need to clean out residue. Whenever I pop into Loaves and Fishes, I also grab some French magazines and take a few minutes to ogle the latest Le Creuset pieces. landfcookshop.com. 4. Thrift. Thursday at St. Ann’s Thrift Shop in Bridgehampton. Saturdays at Dominican Sisters Thrift Shop in Sag Harbor. The Junque Shop, L.V.I.S. and Trader Bill’s once a month. This is the routine that works for me. St. Ann’s offers designer whatnots and, sometimes, credenzas. Dominican Sisters could have anything. Last week I bought an antique Italian lamp for $10, the week before it was a 25-cent skein of variegated yarn. L.V.I.S. is good for cookware and serving ware. There’s only one Trader Bill’s…in Greenport..it rocks. Of course I buy all the old pillar candles and tealights I see. 5. Halsey’s Apples and Cider. I’m from upstate, I know from apples and cider. I’ve picked and pressed my own and I come from a long line of apple pie bakers. When Mr. Halsey advised me to try using Pink Lady

apples in my pies I was skeptical, but I gave it a whirl. He gilded my lily! You can buy all the Halsey’s farm products at The Milk Pail Country Store on Montauk Highway and from The Milk Pail Farm Store on Horse Mill Lane, both in Water Mill. 6. The Seafood Shop. Everyone who lives out here has a seafood shop that they swear by. The Seafood Shop on Montauk Highway in Wainscott is mine. The best is when they bring their fresh fish to the Sag Harbor Farmers Market. 7. Southampton Trails Preservation Society Hikes and Walking Tours. And to be even further “inside”—volunteer Tony Garro is my fave hike and tour leader. This man really does his research! Southamptontrails.org. 8. Easthampton Bowl. For the bowling, not the food. In the off-season, at certain times, you can get a lane with no neighbors and really “let her rip.” 9. Silvia Lehrer’s newest cookbook, Savoring the Hamptons, Discovering the Food and Wine of Long Island’s East End. Published by Running Press, with a forward by East End foodie Alan Alda. Yum! 10. Goat on a Boat Puppet Theatre. “Goat” was a necessity when my son was little. Now I go by myself. With live national and international touring acts, The Goat offers the best entertainment bargain around. Goatonaboat.org. Note to national glossy magazine editors: I could easily throw in some designery faves. I am a huge John Derian fan and I’ve been known to channel Coco Chanel. Call me?

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Who’s Here By David Lion Rattiner You probably know Darrell Hammond and you probably have a favorite “Saturday Night Live” skit that he performed during his tenure of 14 years on the show, the longest of any SNL comedian. He is simply laugh-out-loud funny…whether he is doing his best impersonation of Bill Clinton or George Bush, or asking Will Ferrell to take “The Rapists” for $700 on “Celebrity Jeopardy” (that’s “therapists”), while impersonating Sean Connery. The guy is just awesome. With Bay Street Theatre in Sag Harbor celebrating its 20th season, Hammond will be playing the role of Truman Capote in the play TRU, which will run at the theater from May 31 to June 26. Of course, a lot of people are going to see this show to see Darrell Hammond play the role, and you can get tickets to it in advance should you be so interested. Hammond, having made his enormous career out of comedy, didn’t start out as a comedian. He was more of a sports guy. “I grew up in Melbourne, Florida. I was really into baseball when I was a kid. I played outfield, I pitched and I played in the Babe Ruth League. Then, I was known for being an athlete.” It wasn’t until college that Hammond learned that he had a talent for acting. “I went to the University of Florida, and Brevard Community College, and got a degree in advertising and a minor in theatre. When I was in college I did a play called, When Are You Comin’ Back Red Rider? I sort of just gave it a shot. I had been playing baseball for a lot of years and I don’t know, I just saw a brochure for some theatre classes and needed to fulfill a minor in college, so I decided to give it a try. I got some really positive feedback from it and I decided to see what I could do with it.” It was at that point that Hammond decided he was going to make the leap and attempt what many fail at, becoming an actor in New York. “I moved to New York at 21 and did five plays, but I got tired of the lifestyle and moved back to Florida when New York City beat me down in the beginning. I did the classic schedule of waiting tables and living the poor actor’s life. I’d get a job in a play and then would have to quit my job waiting tables. It was really tough. The beginning of an actor’s career is always really tough. I moved back to Florida and it sort of felt like it was the end of my dream. I even moved back in with my parents.” But what Hammond thought was the end was really just the beginning for him. His move back to Florida lead him towards a career in radio, which led to some name recognition. “While back at home I got a job in radio doing voice-over work and things like that. Eventually I was able

Darrell Hammond, Actor

Caroline’s started using me as a stand-up and that is when SNL spotted me…that was my big break. That was THE break.” With the power of “Saturday Night Live” and the strength of his personality on camera, Hammond was able to rocket to the top echelon of comedy, a place where very few men have stood. Interestingly, what made Hammond hilarious on SNL wasn’t really part of his act before he got there. Hammond, who is known for his spot-on impressions, was never really that guy until SNL. “I wasn’t really doing impressions anymore by the time SNL found me, but when I went to work for SNL, that became a big part of my life. I enjoyed my time at SNL very much. At the end of every show, if I thought I did well I felt great…99% of working for “Saturday Night Live” is amazing. The hardest part of it would be on Saturday, where the pressure would be really high to perform and that was when I really felt like it was work. The most amazing part of SNL was getting to meet a few of the presidents. I got to shake hands with Bill Clinton and George Bush Senior as well as George Bush Junior, both of whom were very nice guys. Working for SNL feels really special. It’s hard to get on it, it’s hard to leave it and it’s really magic.” Hammond also loves the East End, especially Sag Harbor, where he enjoys performing at Bay Street. “Years ago I did a couple of plays at Bay Street Theatre and I really enjoyed it. My favorite part of the East End is that little hub area down by the Bay Street Theatre where you can walk along the water or grab an ice cream or a pizza at those little shops. I stayed at the American Hotel recently and I love it there…I like where the gym is by the Bay Street Theatre, and the Corner Bar…I love the Corner Bar! And B. Smiths! It’s no secret, everybody loves it here, it’s a great place, you can’t beat it. I usually rent a house when I’m out here, but it’s pretty much included with what I do for Bay Street. I’ve stayed at some really amazing houses, really nice farmhouses, really nice.” The only thing that Hammond doesn’t like to do is swim in the ocean. Visit the ocean yes, swim in it, no. “I go down to the beaches on the East End and they are beautiful, but I never jump in the water, I’m not much of a swimmer. When I was 19 in Florida, I saw two hammerheads up close and that was it for me. I’m not able to describe the level of fear that I experienced with that.” Check out Darrell Hammond as Truman Capote at Bay Street Theatre in Sag Harbor this summer. You aren’t going to want to miss the chance to see this guy on stage.

“My favorite part of the East End is that little hub area down by the Bay Street Theatre where you can walk along the water or grab and ice cream.” to get hired with a big radio station in Orlando called BJ105, which was a pop station. From there, my name started getting really out there. I started doing stand-up and radio and got my confidence back up and moved back to New York. When I moved back, I felt like I could really make something happen there.” With newfound confidence and back in the big city, opportunities presented themselves and Hammond started getting noticed. “I knew that at the time there was a lot of work in the tristate area. So I figured that I’d be able to get into one of the comedy clubs there. The first one I got into was the Comedy Cellar, where just about everybody you’ve ever heard of has worked in or started at. I got enough attention there that

TRU, written by Jay Presson Allen and directed by Judith Ivey. Bay Street Theatre, 1 Bay St., Sag Harbor. May 31 through June 26, 8 p.m. Box Office: 631-725-9500, boxoffice@baystreet.org.

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Bill & Ed and the Men of the Greatest Generation tionist. I told her of my mission and Bill Gallo said, “send her right up.� And there, in his office, I pointed to Ed in the photo asking if the cartoonist remembered him and would he autograph the page with a message to my dad. He was very gracious about it, and chatted with me for a long while. I told him my dad hardly ever talked about the war and that I had learned more from this article than I had previously known about his service. Like the fact that they spent 45 days on Iwo Jima, fighting to win it back “inch by inch.� That night I met my dad for a drink and presented him the signed newspaper, but not before I photocopied it five times for other members of

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By Sharon McKee Bill Gallo died on May 10. The legendary New York Daily News sports cartoonist and columnist was 88 years old and had worked at the paper for nearly 70 years. Gallo started as a copy boy at age 18, left briefly to fight in World War II, and returned to the Daily News where he worked up until his death. He was described as a loving husband, father, grandfather, great-grandfather and a proud member of the U.S. Marine Corps, 4th Marine Division. Bill Gallo is mourned by millions of New York sports fans‌indeed anyone who followed New York sports teams naturally followed Bill Gallo. I remember my father Ed, in the ‘50s and ‘60s, commuting on the LIRR from our home in Wantagh to his job at Texaco in the city, reading the Daily News, back to front, for the sports. In the ‘70s and early ‘80s, I followed sports myself. I worked for a decade at Sports Illustrated, a dream job that allowed me, among other things, to collect autographed covers or photos, which I would proudly share with my father and my younger brother Mitch: Muhammad Ali, PelĂŠ, Thurman Munson, Catfish Hunter, Reggie Jackson, Jimmy Connors and Mitch’s all-time favorites, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue covergirls Christie Brinkley and Cheryl Tiegs. But the autograph our family prized above all others belonged to sports cartoonist extraordinaire Bill Gallo. I met him on February 25, 1985, on a bitter cold Monday in Manhattan. Early that morning my dad called me at my office asking, “Do you have the Sunday News?â€? I didn’t. But I ran to the newsstand on the corner and they still had a copy. It seemed that Bill Gallo had written a story on the 40th anniversary of the Battle of Iwo Jima, and in that story he ran a photo from his personal collection of his 4th Marine Division buddies on a troopship bound for Iwo in 1945. And there was my dad, at age 19, in the upper left-hand corner of the photo. Gallo was kneeling, far right, in the front row. I wasted no time. I ran across town to the Daily News building on 42nd Street between Second and Third and announced myself to the recep-

the family who like me would treasure the trophy. My dad was thrilled. Up until then he had no idea the famous Bill Gallo was in his division, just as Bill Gallo had not actually remembered Ed. But that wasn’t the point. They had shared the experience that no one who had been through that war could forget. (My dad in fact remembered things differently; the troopship wasn’t Iwo-bound, it was returning home. That would account for the relaxed and smiling demeanor of the young men in the photo.) Years passed and the photocopies were framed

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Beach

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to silently extend itself out from the sand dune and into the sky. It moved out slowly. It was like an erection. There were some squeaks and groans, the whooga-whooga sound of “keep clear� horns, the clanging of warning bells and the flashing of red lights, then a second snapping of something into place. Then this tinny woman’s voice overhead said “please hold on to the straps.� Finally, a platform miraculously appeared alongside the subway cars in the sky and the doors opened to—Cooper’s Beach!! You just have to climb down this metal stairway. But first, of course, you have to stand up there outside the subway high up and look!! And what an experience THAT was. I have never seen the ocean from this perspective, N 5HVLGHQWLDO EXONKHDGV

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suspended in the air 20 feet up with a bunch of celebrities and dignitaries. The seagulls and terns swoop around. The chefs and bartenders below in their white uniforms waiting for us look up from their tents. And there we are!! We can smell the good things to eat below, mixing with the salty smell of the sea and its decaying sea life. What a treat! During the next hour and a half, we enjoyed ourselves down there on the beach listening to the Jim Turner Band and Vivian and the Merry Makers while the shuttle—now seen from below doing its thing sticking out and retracting over and over—brought down five trainloads of people including the entire third grade of PS 842 in Bushwick, Brooklyn, mem-

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bers of a surfing class in Hampton Bays, a group of tourists from Chinatown and a gaggle of hang gliders from Bay Shore—and with that, our stomachs filled with treats from nine local restaurants and our senses dazzled, we climbed back up to the next shuttle—“the retractable rocket� it has already been dubbed— and made our way home back to town. I should mention before I forget this interview I had with a “guard� who stands the whole time at the bottom of the metal ladder leading up to where the train sticks out of the dune. He was dressed in bathing garb from the 1930s, black undershirt, black shorts etc., and he was there, he said, to make sure nobody climbed up the dune and into the cave between the times the trains come and go. He carried a rowboat oar as a weapon. “You have to stand here all day?� “Yes. There’s no door at the opening. Can’t have a door up there, they say. So I have to watch. Somebody could get killed if they climb up there at the wrong time.� “Do you have to wear this uniform all the time? Or is this just for the grand opening?� “It’s for all the time.� Next Saturday, there will be the grand opening of the East Hampton Main Beach shuttle spur, presided over once again by Subway Commissioner Bill Aspinall, this time joined by Chevy Chase, Mort Zuckerman, actress Lori Singer, East Hampton Town Mayor Paul Rickenbach, Steven Spielberg, Rick Moranis, Barry Sonnenfeld, Paul Simon, East Hampton Town Supervisor Bill Wilkinson and East Hampton Environmental Chief Larry Penny. One failure should be mentioned. It had originally been planned for their to be a third beach subway shuttle, going from Westhampton Beach Main Street to Comsequogue County Beach on Dune Road, but something went wrong in the tunnel halfway there and it had to be abandoned. Had it succeeded, there would have been a third ribbon cutting, one week after this next one in East Hampton. But it didn’t. Well, two out of three ain’t bad!! See you in East Hampton Saturday at 9:30 a.m.—at the subway entrance at the crossroads in the center of town, Main Street and Newtown Lane for the shuttle launch there.

danshamptons.com your guide to the Hamptons and the East End

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