“You’re mine before you know who I am. I win before you know we’re fighting. ” Angela H
THE BATTLE OF THE NOA I laugh, and my laughter is not within me; I burn, and my burning is not seen outside Machiavelli
THE BATTLE OF THE NOA
NOA Army of anorexic nymphs, dressed in sleek black with gold engraved handbags; speed, diet pills and Valium; “Squint your eyes, darling, the whole thing is more sexy!” The NOA Army had to approach everything just right, like modern design; all white and metallic, modern; the NOA Hoplite troops, with their dainty white and silver shields, black pumps, spreading expensive suntan lotion and body creams on their thin arms, like spider legs; many had their roots and highlights done before the battle, and they all bristled with excitement. In the days before the great siege of the NOA the citizens hung banners throughout NOA City. The banners did not vilify the great enemy that was the army of Army of Fat Elvis. “Trust Is Power”, the banners read, exemplifying the fundamental underlying belief that ran through the NOA ideology. “Killing is Forever”, a statement of the obvious. The NOA Army trusted its generals, and therefore would follow them into battle anytime, anywhere, with strength greatly superior to their numbers. The NOA had Valium, Clonopin, Xanax, and the coveted Vicaden; as well as powder cases filled with cocaine and crystal meth (which was produced and sold in the lounges of NOA most exclusive luxury seaside hotels). On the eve of battle, the NOA Army found itself critically outnumbered. In fact, the superiority of the LVS Army was absolutely overwhelming. Having recruited every vagabond renegade soldier of fortune in the known universe, and with an arsenal of modern weaponry unmatched in world history, the army of Fat Elvis had every appearance of invincibility. At the outset of the battle, NOA found itself surrounded. The Great Armies of Fat Elvis were amassed primarily to the North of the Island in an armada of 100 warrior ships of sufficient size to float 1000 Fat Elvis warriors in each, of which, each battalion was composed (so NOA spies had learned) of 20 huge meaty-handed archers, 25 chariots with horses and fighters, and 45 well armored foot-soldiers. At the center of this armada were the two great warships of larger size, containing the Fat Elvis Elite Guard regiments, the most deadly of their forces. To the East, West and South were smaller, yet quite formidable armies of similar divisions. NOA was surrounded, having not even the possibility to entertain the idea of escape. Escape, however, was something the NOA generals knew they would not need. While the armies of Fat Elvis prepared for their invasion, the NOA generals plotted a defense as yet unseen in the modern world. The Fat Elvis Army of obese pill-popping slurring drunkards; dressed to impress the ladies in gaudy Vegas pimp suits, raw bellies of fat hanging flopped over rhinestone-buckled belts> some of them so small as to resemble cherubs; fat red cheeky things, with feathered bows and arrows which they would gaily fling with hardly the
THE BATTLE OF THE NOA
slightest sense of direction; the LVS Army’s encampment resembled more of a Car Park Party, swilling beers and flipping juicy burgers over raging fires; drunkenly armwrestling (some naked wrestling) in feats of macho display; the LVS Army engaged in much slurred uneven babble-like bravado talk, braggarts before battle, but while actually in battle wearing an expression of absolute confusion; LVS Army training was basically a vigorous program of video-gaming, together with some live simulation; the LVS commanders favored the romantic and cruel warriors of the past as their template (Hannibal, Xerxes, for instance) though they knew nothing of cruelty and were prone to pout and even shed a cinematic tear at the slightest provocation; despite their ravaging drug addiction, they had big warm fluffy hearts and wouldn’t want to hurt a teddy bear; in fact, they sang of teddy bears, and all things romantic, “the strong get what they want, baby, and the weak suffer what they must darling, and won’t you be my little teddy, my lil teddy teddy bear” went one of their songs, though they knew little of real romance, and even less about sex. LVS encampments and war ships were littered with pornography of all description; and there was such an active entertainment program of dancing playmates (to lift morale) that the preparations for battle were delayed several weeks. Masturbation was practiced openly.
Killing is forever.
THE BATTLE OF THE NOA
the rear. The NOA strategy was to draw them out in precisely this way. As the sides clashed, the Army of LVS would weaken in the center (as they stretched to the limit) and it was precisely at this moment, and not a moment later, that the NOA generals commanded a strike to the front lines, utilizing Elite troops, and some of their most skilled pike women. It is hard to envision the force here; one must imagine a wall of 12-foot spears coming fast, and held back more by the mutilated corpses of LVS warriors than much else. LVS troops would have had to fight their way through this storm of pikes to even reach the NOA front attack lines. The NOA penetrated the overly spread LVS front line; and breached them, splitting the great LVS Army into two halves; through this gap raced the NOA cavalry, surrounding the LVS halves, separated into killing grounds. The LVS losses were massive. 1
This final clash, the ultimate engagement of the two enemy lines, came to resemble an orgiastic cocktail party gone wild. The drug-induced reality of the situation had by now greatly impaired thinking on both sides; there were initial fatalities (LVS cherubs assailing NOA soldiers with their spears, but then, weeping for their mothers openly at the sight of the blood), while NOA Army troops initially harpooned several LVS soldiers with their talon-like spears, however they quickly lost interest in the unwieldy weapons, and took to vigorous slapping of the faces of their enemies, who in turn, apologized with such profusion that they were further slapped and began to cry; This initial explosion of attack lasted no more than eight hours; after which point both sides were exhausted from the physicality, the excess drugs in their systems, the carnage, and 1. Set at approximately 50,000 losses, in eight hours of intense fighting, one must imagine 600 casualties a minute on the open battlefield. An LVS trooper would be felled by perhaps 3 to 4 pikes bearing down on his flesh all at once, or one sharp crushing stab to the face (as the NOA troops had been trained to execute with lethal speed).
THE BATTLE OF THE NOA
THE BATTLE OF THE NOA
THE BATTLE OF THE NOA