THE REJECTION FOLLOWING

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RELATIONSHIPS WITH RELIGION ARE COMPLICATED. GROWING UP THEY CAN BE A SAVING GRACE, BUT AS THE YEARS GO ON CERTAIN TRUTHS COME TO LIGHT THAT MAKE US QUESTION THE BELIEFS WE ONCE HELD TRUE. THIS IS TAYLOR’S STORY ABOUT GROWING UP MORMON.

When I found out, I started tearing up at the bar. A drink in one hand, my phone in the other, with a local band playing in the background. My boyfriend looked at me and asked if I was okay.

“I got the email,” I told him. “I’m officially not Mormon anymore.”

“Well, I guess it’s time for shots then.” He smiled at me then walked over to the bar and ordered some lemon drops.

GROWING UP MORMON

I grew up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS), as they prefer to call it. I was pretty into it too. I went to girl’s camp every year, went to youth conferences when I was old enough, and even accepted some volunteer positions within our congregation.

But as I grew up, I noticed a lot of gaps for a church that claimed to be “the only true and living church.”

The first time I began questioning the church started with “The Great White Shirt Debate.” My brother had just gotten a new suit—navy blue with a light blue shirt, nice shoes, and a good looking tie.

My brother, looking sharp one Sunday morning, went to pass the sacrament, or communion as other religions call it. He was sitting up front with a few other kids his age, all of whom were wearing white shirts, some with dirty hoodies over the top.

A few minutes after the service started, my brother went back to sit with our family. He had been asked to refrain from passing the sacrament because his shirt was blue and not white. Thus began a long debate about whether or not white shirts are required.

My brother started to get bullied. The other boys saw him as an easy target. Leadership spoke openly about offering to buy my brother a white shirt if he couldn’t afford to get a new one. My mother talked to the regional president about it, and all he said was, while he personally didn’t care, it wasn’t up to him to make the decision. For a church that is supposedly led by direct revelation from God, there sure seemed to be a lot of politics involved. from that point on, 14-year-old me starting living by my grandpa’s age old advice: “The gospel is true but the church is not.” This kept me attached to my faith— just barely.

I continued attending church and church activities to respect my parents’ wishes, but my attachment to the Mormon faith was lost.

By the time I was 16 and had a job, I stopped attending church on the regular. When my college years arrived, I stopped attending altogether. But just because I didn’t go to church didn’t mean I wasn’t a Mormon.

What ended up “breaking my shelf,”—a term used by the ex-mormon community to mark the moment where members finally realize the church isn’t true—was in 2015 when the church’s anti-LGBTQ+ changes were leaked.

In short, the changes stated that members with same-sex parents couldn’t be baptized unless they denounced their parents. For a church that claims children aren’t responsible for their parents sin, nor the original sin, this new anti-LGBTQ+ statement contrasted starkly with the pillars of the church I grew up believing.

While the original source of the 2015 leaks is still anonymous, Ryan McKnight, the founder of MormonLeaks—the Wikileaks of the Mormon church—was the one to publish the documents to a wide audience.

“The source approached me in 2015 because they didn’t feel comfortable sharing it,” McKnight says. “I didn’t mind having my name attached to it. I was already out at the time.”

Since 2015, MormonLeaks has evolved into two organizations: FaithLeaks and The Truth and Transparency Foundation. McKnight and his partner, Ethan Gregory Dodge, created the platform to include leaked information about various religions. Thanks to their work, thousands of Mormons have left the Church.

Recently, the Mormon Church reversed the 2015 “revelation,” reverting to their original stance regarding same-sex relationships—you can be gay, you just can’t have gay sex. This reversal caused many “true-blood” members of the church to question whether or not God really was revealing this information.

And while this “revelation” broke my shelf, it wasn’t what made me leave—but more on that later.

WINTER 2020 | DRAKE MAG 43 HORSES VS. TAPIRS

The history of the LDS Church is complicated, so here’s everything you need to know in a nutshell. As told by the church, founder Joseph Smith prayed to God asking which denomination was “the one true church.” God supposedly responded by proclaiming that none of the existing churches were true. This led Smith to found Mormonism, using Golden Plates to translate the new Book of Mormon.

Moving from New York to Ohio and all the way to Missouri, the Mormons settled in Nauvoo, Illinois. Soon after, Joseph Smith was killed in jail in 1844 before fully Jim Jones-ing, as many theorized he would’ve. That’s when the Mormons set out West to exit the present borders of the U.S. They then settled in Salt Lake City, Utah, where the new prophet, Brigham Young, famously noted, “This is the place!”

Since then, people have poked holes in the whole Mormon story. Horses were mentioned in the Book of Mormon, but there were none in the Americas until the Europeans came. The church’s explanation is tapirs: 3-foot tall pig looking creatures.

And that’s not the only inconsistency— the temple covenants are taken almost directly from the Freemasons. There was never a stance about whether blacks could be offered the priesthood until well after The Civil Rights Movement. Plus, how could Joseph Smith, an uneducated man who could barely read, translate an ancient language by looking at a rock called the seer stone in a hat—yes, you read that right, he literally stuck his face in a hat with the plates glowing in the dark for only him to see.

As with most cults, there’s some weird sex stuff. Polygamy, the most famous of the church’s fatal flaws, goes even deeper than just multiple wives. At 37 years old, Brigham Young took a 14-year old as one of his many wives. Ironically, when the U.S. government told church leadership they wouldn’t let Utah be a state if they still practiced polygamy, the church quickly conformed.

AND THE SHELF BREAKS

A 2014 Pew Research Center study found the LDS church holding the sixth highest retention rate of all religions studied, with a 64 percent retention rate for those who grew up in the church. The General Social Survey found a similar retention rate over all generations, but with millenials the retention rate was only 46 percent.

“I loved the church,” Sophie Jensen, a former follower of the LDS church, says. “I even went to summer seminary, I just loved it that much.”

For Mormons, seminary is an hour of scripture every school day. Sophia willingly spent some of her free time in Mormon summer school.

Sophia never fit the typical Mormon style of messy buns and colorful chevron skirts. She preferred a darker, bolder look that always included bright red lipstick. When she was 15, she dyed her hair bright pink. That’s when things started going downhill.

“My young women’s president pulled my mother and I into a classroom and proceeded to explain that I was being ‘too different’ all because of my hair,” she says. “She told me I wasn’t pretty. I didn’t ‘fit in anymore’ and ‘this is why the other girls won’t hang out with you anymore.’”

And while that was bad enough, she was told that her theatre friends were a bad influence because of their involvement with the LGBTQ+ community.

In the middle of her senior year, Sophia decided not to attend seminary anymore and threw herself entirely into theatre. When she found out that she would be receiving the highest honor from the International Thespian Society, her mother told her that it didn’t matter because she wasn’t graduating from seminary. Instead of going to Sophia’s drama awards banquet, her mom went to seminary graduation and threatened not to go to her high school graduation.

“This all showed me that religion shouldn’t give me such negative emotions and experiences,” Sophia says. “Happiness is not being forced to conform or not being recognized for accomplishments.”

45 WINTER 2020 | DRAKE MAG GETTING OUT IS EASIER SAID THAN DONE

To leave, members have to talk to their preacher and justify their desire to withdraw. Next comes months of trying to convince members to stay while the preacher completes the exit paperwork. Even after leaving, the church will still try to contact ex-Mormons.

At least, that’s how it used to be.

QuitMormon now exists to stand as the attorney between the exiting member and the church. Mark Naugle launched it after he graduated from law school, initially in an effort to help his friends and family.

“I’m just a step in the middle,” Naugle says. “[The church] has to go through me as the attorney. They can’t contact the person leaving directly.”

Naugle started this service in 2015, seeing about 200 resignations a week. When the anti-LGBTQ+ stance was leaked in October 2015 he saw 2,000 resignations in 72 hours. Nowadays he’s managing anywhere from 40 to 50 every morning, with over 1,300 after General Conference weekend—a bi-annual televised conference to “announce new revelations” regarding church policies.

QuitMormon widdles six months of work down to about four minutes. All you need to do is submit your information to their online form. Naugle takes it from there, doing all of the otherwise gruesome tasks pro bono.

Recently, the church has tried making this method even harder by

requiring a scanned copy of your license and a notarized letter because of “fraudulent requests.”

“The church itself is a nightmare. Sometimes they would just sit on the phone silently,” Naugle says. “I know what they were thinking. About how I had hate in me and how evil and terrible I am.”

THE FUTURE OF THE CHURCH

Since 2015, the future of the Mormon church has looked rocky. Even recent revelations are causing members to question their faith.

Most recently was the declaration that “Mormon” is a slang term, even after millions of tithing dollars were spent on the “I’m a Mormon” campaign.

While membership is still going up, the number of people attending services is going down. Recently, a few meeting houses were put up for sale in Denver, going for about $1.85 million, just in case you’re curious.

To McKnight, the church is done.

“With the internet, everything is out there about the history of the church,” McKnight says. “I think they are beyond the point of no return. Even if they dial back on the ‘all or nothing’ rules and change their tune about LGBTQ+ issues.”

From the outside, you can tell the church is struggling to maintain membership. Every month there seems to be a new revelation that is a direct response to what the members want. Women can wear pants to church. Missionaries can call home every week instead of just on Mother’s Day and Christmas. Members can now have civil wedding services that their non-member families can attend instead of temple weddings. The list goes on.

LEAVING IS HARD

What finally pushed me over the edge was when leadership started preaching that it’s unholy to take the sacrament with the left hand. This comes from an ancient Jewish tradition about the left hand being

the dirty hand and the right hand being the clean hand. Before modern handwashing, this distinction could literally save lives. But fundamentalist Mormons continue to latch to this idea, bringing up the issue every few years. Funny thing is, as a left hander, my right hand is my dirty hand.

At this point, I hadn’t been to church in over five years, so leaving the church didn’t make much of a difference in my life.

But many others don’t have the same luxury. Scroll through the ex-mormon subreddit and you’ll read heart-wrenching stories of parents kicking out apostate children, old friends backstabbing those who leave, and intense divorces over a spouse leaving.

“My life has changed drastically since leaving,” Sophia Jensen says. “For a while,

“MY LIFE HAS CHANGED DRASTICALLY SINCE LEAVING. FOR A WHILE, I FELT REALLY LOST. A LOT OF ‘FRIENDS’ STOPPED SPEAKING TO ME. I DIDN’T HAVE A MOTHER WHO SUPPORTED WHAT I DID.” — SOPHIA JENSEN

I felt really lost. A lot of ‘friends’ stopped speaking to me. I didn’t have a mother who supported what I did.”

She has since moved in with her sister, as she could no longer stay with her mother. But she in no way regrets her decision to leave the church.

“I received so much more love and support from leaving than I ever got from being active in the Church,” Jensen says. “So many negative parts of my life stemmed from the Church. I still get really insecure if I’m not dressed modestly. I’m really judgmental toward other people without even realizing it sometimes. I wish I never had that heavy of an influence in my early teenage years.”

McKnight left because he found issues with church history. He was alone in his endeavor to leave, as his wife still believed at the time. He found solace in support groups like the ex-Mormon subreddit.

“In the beginning of your faith crisis,” McKnight says, “There’s a lot of emotional pain and cognitive dissonance. This is normal. You’re not alone. It gets better. Find outlets to express yourself and judgmentfree areas.”

Naugle was young when his family left the church. Up until that point, his life was saturated with religion. But at 14, when his dad told him they were leaving, he was relieved.

“If you’re LDS and you’re angry about what I do, just imagine what your life would be like if it wasn’t true,” Naugle says. “Take 10 minutes and think about whether or not it might be a cult. Walk a mile in someone else’s shoes for 10 minutes.”

When I left, I had it lucky. I was entering the normal world with plenty of support. But months later, my brain is still reprogramming itself out of the cult mindset.

But to those who want to leave, it’s worth it. There is a community out there willing to support you.

Naugle’s family celebrated with a sigh of relief. McKnight celebrated by doing his taxes. Jensen celebrated with a bottle of wine. And I—well, I took a few shots.