RIDESHARE RELATIONSHIPS: A NEW KIND OF THERAPY

RELATIONSHIPS: RIDESHARE A NEW KIND OF THERAPY

IT’S A SATURDAY NIGHT AT 2 A.M. AND YOU’RE HEADED HOME FROM THE BAR IN THE BACKSEAT OF YOUR UBER. YOU FIND YOURSELF IN DEEP CONVERSATION WITH YOUR DRIVER, TALKING LIKE YOU’VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR YEARS. HERE ARE THOSE STORIES.

“I f love is, you go to bed at night, you close your eyes, and you’re thinking about this person, I was in love with him.”

Caitlin Langelier sat attentively in her seat, taking in the words of the old man in front of her. If she were a therapist, perhaps she would have been jotting down notes as the man spoke, inserting “and how do you feel about that” as necessary.

But she wasn’t a therapist. She was a random passenger in the backseat of some random Lyft driver’s vehicle. And she hadn’t asked him a thing; this confession was entirely of his own free will. It had started with small talk about current events: a serial killer targeting the gay community in Langelier’s home of Toronto had finally been caught. Then, things got personal real quick.

“There was something on the radio about the police; people were very upset with the police about the response to the crime, so he started talking about it,” Langelier says. “My defenses kind of went up being like, ‘Oh no, please don’t say something weird…’ I was just like OK, usually the best defense in those situations is to tell people that I’m gay so they start to watch their behavior. So I was like, ‘Oh, well for my community, the gay community, this is how we feel about it.’”

Expecting the conversation to come to an abrupt halt or land in more neutral territory, Langelier was shocked when her driver suddenly confessed his crush on a friend from his boyhood. Only two minutes into their drive, she already knew the stranger’s deepest secret, one that had never been shared with anyone else—not even his wife.

Langelier’s experience isn’t unique. Harvard Professor of Sociology, Dr. Mario Luis Small, explains that strangers are actually likely confidants.

“We found that for recent experiences in a national sample, about half the time [people] confided in somebody, it was somebody they were not close to,” Small says. WORDS ASHLEY FLAWS ILLUSTRATION KATE SEGLER

The confined nature of an Uber or taxi cab often creates the sense of security people need to reveal their secrets. While definitely not the holiest of places, it somehow still serves as a rolling confessional. Add a priest, and you’re all the way there.

BUMPS IN THE ROAD

According to data compiled from SherpaShare, a platform focused on bettering the rideshare community, the national average trip distance in an Uber or Lyft is 6.4 miles. So depending on the driver’s route, passengers can be spending anywhere between five to 20 undisturbed minutes with their drivers on a typical ride. And as Langelier found out, it only takes one minute for someone to open up.

But more often than not, it’s not the drivers with loose lips—it’s the passengers. And Small says drivers often just happen to be in the right place at the right time.

“One of the ways to think about this is that over the course of our lives, we all have

some number of things that are troubling us that we probably would benefit to talk about, but we’re not always actively looking to talk about it,” Small says. “What happens is, I’m in a conflict and the opportunity presents itself, and I just capitalize on the opportunity. Cab drivers are often, if they’re good at this, a great opportunity.”

Nathan, now an experienced driver for both Uber and Lyft in Bloomington, Indiana, learned about oversharing first hand only a few weeks into his new role as a driver. A simple “Hey, how’s it going” from Nathan prompted his passenger to reply, “Well, you tell me. My wife met my girlfriend tonight.” The passenger proceeded to detail how he had taken his wife out to the restaurant his girlfriend worked at as a waitress. His wife was furious. She took their vehicle back home, leaving her philandering husband to fend for himself—until Nathan came along.

“What was going through this guy’s head, I don’t know,” Nathan said. “When we approached his house, he told me to not pull in the driveway because she might be throwing things out the window, so I dropped him a bit down the road from his house.”

While Nathan never got to see how the conflict resolved, he had been privy for just

a few moments, to a very private experience in this man’s life. He simply listened, drove, and tried to avoid being hit with random flying objects, a role he has now grown used to after four years on the job.

“I think some people just think it’s kind of a half-anonymous thing, like I’m going to ride with this Uber driver, and I’m never going to see them again anyway, so what does it matter what I tell him?” Nathan said.

Small agrees. In some instances, such as when a passenger has committed an infidelity, they may be too ashamed to tell their partner, but not too ashamed to tell their Uber driver.

“And yet, that is the kind of thing for which many people would find the need to talk, to find catharsis,” Small says. “You’re never going to see [them] ever again. You’re in there, and you’re out of there. They won’t even know your name. It ends up being a great opportunity to just unload all sorts of things with a stranger that you wouldn’t want to unload with someone you actually care about.”

PUTTING THE “DR.” IN DRIVER

If drivers really do just happen to be in the right place at the right time, there are pretty good odds they’re outside a bar. According to a report by Uber, the demand for rides spikes around 2 a.m.—closing time for many bars. And a disproportionate amount of their late-night weekend requests come from within 50 meters of businesses with liquor licenses. This means that drivers are likely to have interactions with drunk passengers—and we all know drunken escapades can lead to some serious regrets. Most of us have been there, done that. But we don’t always realize how often our drivers are the ones consoling us in these states, rather than someone we know and trust.

YOUR THERAPIST IS 5 MILES AWAY...

40 WINTER 2020 | DRAKE MAG

Sara, an Uber and Lyft driver in St. Louis, Missouri, found herself doubling as a couple’s counselor after picking up a drunken pair from Oktoberfest. The conversation quickly became uncomfortable, but she was a captive audience, stuck listening to a silly fight between husband and wife about a $500 purse. But that wasn’t the worst part; they wanted her to chime in and kept involving her in the conversation. This was not part of her job description.

“[The car ride] was only 10 minutes, but it felt like it was an hour,” Sara says. “She’s like, ‘Are you single?’ I was like, ‘Yeah.’ [She said], ‘Well when you date somebody, just get ready for them to shit over everything that you want.’”

Sara couldn’t help but sympathize with the husband who was trying to calm his wife down, but she knew better than to argue with the drunk woman. The ride was a short one, so nodding along and letting the woman rant was about all she felt she could do. She figured it was probably the alcohol talking, anyway. But what does she know? She’s not a certified therapist, after all.

A specialist in drunk personalities, Dr. Rachel Winograd from the Missouri Institute of Mental Health, adds to the conversation:

“We have breaks in place to stop us from saying or doing certain things that we maybe know better than or wouldn’t otherwise do, but alcohol releases those breaks or destroys them altogether,” Winograd says. “We move forward doing things that if we were sober we wouldn’t otherwise do. That can be anything from vandalizing a building to sharing a secret with a cab driver.”

Or starting World War III over a purse in the backseat of an Uber.

All jokes aside, there are certain instances where a cab driver just can’t fulfill what a person needs. If it’s fleeting friendship—a quick release—then sure, let loose. But not all issues can be pushed aside so quickly.

Holly, a full-time Uber driver in Atlanta, Georgia, recalls a moment with a passenger who opened up about having been sexually assaulted by a family member. She had recently told her mother, who had just pushed it under the rug. Holly was the only other person who heard her story, and she knew it was important to connect with her passenger in this moment by sharing a similar story of her own.

“When I pulled up to her house, I turned my Uber ride off for about 45 minutes,” Holly says. “We sat, and we got out of the car, and we cried and we hugged; I felt like I made a

friend for a moment.”

And a moment was all it was. A profound moment, yes, and a very fulfilling moment for both parties involved. But drivers like Holly can only listen for the duration of the ride; once the passenger steps out of the vehicle, they can’t provide lasting support or be there for closure.

That’s why Small recognizes that it’s still important for individuals to have a strong network of support that can be there for the long-term.

“There are times when you just need someone to listen to you, or there are times when you need more,” Small says. “You might need advice about how to proceed from someone who knows you well. Or you might need support on an ongoing basis. In those circumstances, a stranger you never see again cannot help you.”

It’s also important to realize that strangers are unpredictable. They may respond negatively by judging you or somehow making you feel worse. If something’s weighing on you, getting it off your chest while in the backseat of a driver’s car might be exactly what you

“WE SAT AND WE GOT OUT OF THE CAR, AND WE CRIED AND WE HUGGED; I FELT LIKE I MADE A FRIEND FOR A MOMENT.” — HOLLY, UBER DRIVER FROM GEORGIA

need. But there has to be a balance so you know there are people out there you can trust when you need them.

“There is something to be said about the sense of emotional security and emotional safety from knowing that you have people to rely on when you need them,” Small said. “That’s not something that you can expect from a cab driver or another stranger.”

A TWO-WAY STREET

But—and there is a but—how can we be real with someone close to us when we can’t even be real with ourselves? Danielle Green, director of the student counseling center at Drake University, says that many people are ashamed, not just to share their emotions, as Small indicates, but to feel them at all. To combat these instincts, Green says it’s important to simply recognize our emotions instead of judging them.

“We don’t really control how we feel; we just have control over how we respond and how we act on [our] emotions,” Green says. “Instead of being critical, just be like I can feel sad right now, that’s OK for me to feel sad. Oftentimes we’re way more compassionate with other people than we ever are with ourselves. There’s no wrong feeling. You can’t feel wrongly about something.”

And in reality, the emotions we feel guilty about are emotions that many other people can reciprocate.

“When we’re vulnerable and honest in how we deal with others, we’re almost always rewarded with returned vulnerability,” Green says. “[It’s like] ‘I felt that way, too,’ or ‘Thanks for sharing with me.’”

Sometimes, the comfort of knowing you’re not alone is all you need to open the floodgates, and when it comes down to it, the people you’re closest to are going to the be the people who can give you what you need.

But, if all else fails and you totally can’t even with your demons right now, there’s always an actual confessional with a priest. Jesus can take the wheel from there.

MORE FROM THE BACKSEAT

Cringe-worthy. Ridiculous. Gutwrenching. Heart-warming. These are the types of stories that emerge from the backseat of an Uber, Lyft, or cab. But don’t just take our word for it. These platforms share bits and pieces of passengers’ stories that will make you laugh, cry, or want to tip your driver a little extra next time for everything they put up with. 1 WATCH TAXICAB

CONFESSIONS RE-RUNS ON HBO

Hidden cameras document how much information passengers are willing to divulge to their drivers. Spoiler alert: the drivers are actually producers of the show steering (pun intended) the conversation to uncover juicy details. 2 FOLLOW

@OVERHEARDUBER ON INSTAGRAM

It’s amazing what can be overheard when ridesharing an Uber. Fellow passengers and drivers submit hilarious—sometimes traumatic— tidbits that they pick up during a ride. @OverheardUber shares the best so the rest of us can get a kick out of them, too. 3 JOIN THE R/UBER

SUBREDDIT ON REDDIT.COM

Reddit is an anonymous forum to share anything on your mind. The r/uber subreddit is dedicated to all-things Uber, so passengers and drivers alike can post about their relatable experiences—for better or worse. Cringe-worthy. Ridiculous. Gutwrenching. Heart-warming. These are the types of stories that emerge from the backseat of an Uber, Lyft, or cab. But don’t just take our word for it. These platforms share bits and pieces of passengers’ stories that will make you laugh, cry, or want to tip your driver a little extra next time for everything they put up with. 1 WATCH TAXICAB

CONFESSIONS RE-RUNS ON HBO

Hidden cameras document how much information passengers are willing to divulge to their drivers. Spoiler alert: the drivers are actually producers of the show, steering (pun intended) the conversation to uncover juicy details. 2 FOLLOW

@OVERHEARDUBER ON INSTAGRAM

It’s amazing what can be overheard when ridesharing an Uber. Fellow passengers and drivers submit hilarious—sometimes traumatic— tidbits that they overhear during a ride. @OverheardUber shares the best so the rest of us can get a kick out of them, too. 3 JOIN THE R/UBER

SUBREDDIT ON REDDIT.COM

Reddit is an anonymous forum to share anything on your mind. The r/uber subreddit is dedicated to all-things Uber, so passengers and drivers alike can post about their relatable experiences—for better or worse.