Maintenance Of Presence GUIDE “Maintenance Of Presence” Communication Technique Guide The main objective of this technique is to help you strengthen your communications with the people you feel it’s important to significantly improve your business and personal relationships with. It can be people from your surroundings, spouse, children, friends, work colleagues, employees, immediate superior, etc. Note that this technique doesn’t necessarily aim to solve a problematic situation, although it can often be the case, but rather to allow each person to be heard and feel complete with any situation where negative emotions have been experienced. In this way, future communications will not get swayed or tainted by past events. All non-‐expressed emotions from the past undermine the optimal growth of a team or a relationship, thus creating unnecessary frictions and limiting “Boxed-‐IDs”. Conflicts are part of the life of human beings and if you can address them in a straightforward manner, you then share a very important and appreciated asset with the people around you. You create thus a clear and fluid atmosphere in your surroundings. When to use it: • When the usual methods have not given the expected results. • When you must "set the record straight" with someone. • This technique is very useful to start any communication with the people of your surroundings. It allows you to be totally present and open to the relation without generating any non-‐completed communication for the future. It consists simply to ask people if they have any non-‐completed communications with you. • When you wish to stop unnecessarily creating some Ego • When your “Boxed-‐ID” for someone is deteriorating. It is extremely effective for saving you time (a precious resource), for increasing your efficiency in work relations and in personal relationships that really matter to you.
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Maintenance Of Presence GUIDE Here are the few simple rules to follow: • It is best that each party be in the Zone before starting the session, but not obligatory. • Each party must know the technique and agree to follow and respect rules. • The party that calls for the meeting will talk first and will be identified as party A. Meanwhile, party B listens to “A” with attention and repeats or paraphrases clearly what “A” said, to “A’s” satisfaction. • An agreement regarding the facts is not necessary. Remember it’s all perception. • Although the ultimate goal is to solve a deadlock, it is not necessary to solve the situation for the moment. The short-‐term goal is for both to share a mutual understanding. The situation will become clear and without ambiguity. • When “A” has completed his account of the situation, “B” asks: “Is there anything else”? As long as “A” has something to say, the communication continues. • Reverse roles if “B” feels the need for it. • All parties commit to keeping this conversation confidential, unless a clear agreement has been reached between all parties.
Intention : Why MOPing it up? What is your intention for this meeting, for your
communication, and for your relationship? You ought to know why you want to MOP it up. This is the first thing you’ll communicate to the other person when asking for a meeting. Since you have good intentions, communicating these will help the other person’s Ego relax in the process, feeling more secure and respected.
1. Observation and facts
It is a clear and objective description of the facts and events. It is not affected by any judgment, criticism, belief or interpretation. The aim of this step is to express the facts and to become emotionally dissociated from the event. Remember that whatever your interpretation of what happened is, it is just that… an interpretation. Personal filters, socialfilters, brain “sub-‐ routines” play a role in your apprehension of reality. You have the right to your interpretation, and so does the other. Agreement is not necessary. Here, you adopt the position of a witness on what is happening and you describe the facts.
2. Feelings and emotions
Feelings and emotions are experiences at the level of the body. For now, we will put our attention on the emotions and negative feelings that were experienced during the event. You must remain a witness of what you feel in order to identify it. At this point, recognize the feelings or the emotions that are bothering you in order to name them to the person you are speaking to. Observe what’s going on within you. How did you feel in the situation (frustration, anger, disappointment, anxiety, sadness, guilt… see list on page 5). Put words on your experience so you can express it clearly. MOP Guide V. 03-‐10-‐11
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3. Interpretation and judgments
How do you read the event? What opinions and points of view do you have regarding the facts? What do you think of the situation? What is your opinion? Clearly express it all in order to definitively complete the situation. This step will give to your interlocutor the occasion to better know your perception over the situation. He will also come to know and appreciate you more.
4. Needs
A non-‐expressed need hides behind every emotion we experience. Your needs are elements that you consider basic to your well-‐being. All human Beings have needs. These non-‐expressed needs are very often the source of an emotion. At this stage, name the need(s). To identify it is a very important step. Become aware of what is triggering these emotions in you (see list on page 6). “I need to be respected… I need to feel understood… I need to feel that my opinion is valued… I need to know that I’m not just a number… I need to feel that what I say is heard… I need help… I need to hear that my work is well done… I need to feel that you like me… I need to know that what I do matters to you… I need to see that you don’t take me for granted…”
5. Request Being responsible is second nature when you can express your needs in the form of a request for the future, rather than what you don’t want. It must be clear, positive, achievable and negotiable. It must reflect your intention in a concrete and conscious manner. It aims to create an open conversation with the other for the well-‐being of both parties, as well as increasing the effectiveness of your communications and relations. “I request to be told about these types of changes before the client… I request to hear it directly from you should anything similar happen again… I request a weekly meeting with you from this point forward… I request to be part of this group’s meeting…
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Maintenance Of Presence GUIDE For your communication to be effective, remember this: Don’t have any expectation or requirements regarding the result. Although the ultimate goal of such a process is to solve a deadlock, the goal of the technique is not necessarily to solve the conflict in the immediate, though it is often the case. The goal is to create the setting for people to be heard and feel complete with the events of the past. Use ‘’I’’ rather than ‘’you’’. Position your Ego as a servant to your integral Intelligence. When you’re party B, remain totally present during the communication and don’t prepare your reply when “A” speaks: listen. You’ll be “A” at some point… this is when you’ll be able to express your own interpretations, emotions, judgments, needs and requests. Receive and listen to the other in what he is living without attempting to save him, without trying to find a solution to what he is living, without defending yourself. GET “reality” from this person’s perspective; step in his/her shoes for a change…
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One last thing… When experiencing a MOP, often times other issues will arise for you or the other. Don’t deal with these “other” issues at the same time, or you’ll both get lost and feel even more frustrated. Use the “parking” area of your brain, better yet, of your worksheet, to note, and take out of the way, ideas, thoughts, other completion items you can come back to later. Doing this on a regular basis will surely give you a solid list of “completions”. You are than on your way to better relationships, better communications. All you need at this point is some courage to get out of your comfort zone and use the MOP as a powerful weekly management tool.
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Maintenance Of Presence GUIDE It helps to “put words” on how you feel, on what you need. Here is a list to help you do just that… put words on it!
Feelings and Emotions when your needs are not satisfied…
AFRAID apprehensive dread foreboding frightened mistrustful panicked petrified scared suspicious terrified wary worried ANGRY enraged furious incensed indignant irate livid outraged resentful ANNOYED aggravated dismayed disgruntled displeased exasperated frustrated impatient irritated irked AVERSION animosity appalled contempt disgusted dislike hate horrified hostile repulsed
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CONFUSED ambivalent baffled bewildered dazed hesitant lost mystified perplexed puzzled torn DISCONNECTED alienated aloof apathetic bored cold detached distant distracted indifferent numb removed uninterested withdrawn DISQUIET agitated alarmed discombobulated disconcerted disturbed perturbed rattled restless shocked startled surprised troubled turbulent turmoil uncomfortable uneasy unnerved unsettled upset
EMBARRASSED ashamed chagrined flustered guilty mortified self-‐conscious FATIGUE beat burnt out depleted exhausted lethargic listless sleepy tired weary worn out PAIN agony anguished bereaved devastated grief heartbroken hurt lonely miserable regretful remorseful SAD depressed dejected despair despondent disappointed discouraged disheartened forlorn gloomy heavy hearted hopeless melancholy unhappy wretched
TENSE anxious cranky distressed distraught edgy fidgety frazzled irritable jittery nervous overwhelmed restless stressed out VULNERABLE fragile guarded helpless insecure leery reserved sensitive shaky YEARNING envious jealous longing nostalgic pining wistful
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Needs…
AUTONOMY choice freedom independence space spontaneity CONNECTION acceptance affection appreciation belonging cooperation communication closeness community companionship compassion consideration consistency empathy inclusion intimacy
CONNECTION (cont’d) love mutuality nurturing respect/self-‐respect safety security stability support to know and be known to see and be seen to understand and be understood trust warmth HONESTY authenticity integrity presence
MEANING awareness celebration of life challenge clarity competence consciousness contribution creativity discovery efficacy effectiveness growth hope learning mourning participation purpose self-‐expression stimulation to matter understanding
PLAY joy humor PEACE beauty communion ease equality harmony inspiration order PHYSICAL WELL-‐BEING air food movement/exercise rest/sleep sexual expression safety shelter touch water
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