Black Book Class of 2015 by Undergraduate Publications Board

1/CNQ/September 2011

The Black Book Bigger. Better. Blacker.

Life at Duke should be lived according to the rules of my grandmother’s house: Don’t break anything and always refill the ice trays. That’s it. -Andrew Scott

Departments 4

editor's letter

ask aaron

top 10

The freshman’s guide to the galaxy.

horoscopes Will you fall in love or fall in a pool of toxic waste?

Consult with the stars to see what this week has in store.

public opinion

He’s got all the answers to the real questions that you submitted. Listen closely, he’ll only school you once. Upperclassmen share the secrets they wish they’d known freshman year.

Check in on how your classmates feel about the big issues. What’s your view?

Features 3

The art of college Because four out of five doctors recommend a bimonthly

serving of inappropriate hilarity. The fifth is a damn Nazi.

How to Survive FReshman year Arm yourself with knowledge to withstand the onslaught of chaos that is freshman year.

11 14

summer days Remember how you spent your time this summer? We do. campus guide A map to the East campus dorms, West campus hot spots and Central campus crime scenes.

d.u. 101

Find out where to learn the answers to life’s biggest questions, like how to pick up chicks.

20 mystic

pizza

A classic coming-of-age story with love, food and anguish.

lessons in liquor A triple distilled guide to ethanol.

22 high

expectations 23 popular science Learn the formula for meeting people and making friends. Summer to-do’s vs. Summer did’s

24 'Twas the Night A festive take on a festering topic.

2/CNQ/September 2011

“

“ On college life:

The Art of

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COLLEGE

A CNQ Special Edition

Brush up on politics, pop culture and Duke news with CNQ magazine. This month, our special freshman guide on life, love and liquor, served with a splash of sarcasm and a double shot of humor.

Welcome to Duke University, and more importantly, welcome to CNQ’s Black Book! As Duke’s only intentionally humorous publication, we have taken the liberty and responsibility to tell you, incoming freshman scum, everything you need to know about Duke and everything they won’t tell you. So go ahead, monkey around. Oh, and watch your step, we’re about to drop some knowledge. CNQ is dedicated to bringing you only the finest in college humor, sarcastic racism, utter ridiculousness, and purely offensive crap we contemplate while blitzed out of our minds. Each year we take the opportunity to promote our ideals of peace, beauty, love and poor life choices to Duke’s newest class. Much like Michelangelo’s Creation of Adam, we reach our finger down from the heavens to young freshman. So go ahead, pull our finger, we dare you.

DISCLAIMER:

We do not condone underage drinking. K, now we are legally in the clear. Our lawyers* made us write this.

Going beyond Duke news, CNQ brings Hollywood to campus with exclusive interviews with both big names and up-and-comers in comedy. Our past celebs include people like YouTube sensation Bo Burnham, Brian Van Holt from ABC’s hit sitcom Cougar Town, The Blanks from Scrubs and Second City star (and Duke alum) Seth Weitberg.

The Black Book, hand delivered to each door on East campus, is our for-freshman-eyes-only issue. You can keep laughing with us every other month by picking up our issues all over campus, and by liking us on Facebook and following us on Twitter. Look out for us throughout the year! On West Campus at: Bryan Center, Great Hall, Perkins, Allen Buidling, Alpine Bagel and BioSci. On East Campus at: Lilly, Marketplace, West Duke and Carr.

3/CNQ/September 2011 *By lawyers, we mean mock trial people. Thanks Michael and Will.

Letter From the the freshman’s guide to the galaxy Lucky for you gents and ladies, we here at CNQ are here to help. In the absence of any religious presence here on campus, consider us your saviors, and this Black Book your Bible of secrets to navigating Duke. Wait – I’m now being told Duke has ties with the Methodist church. Well, we called dibs first. By now you’ve already passed through the horde of orientation events you “had to attend” and consequently realized that no one really gives a fuck where you are at any given moment. You’ve probably done at least one of these things: • realize that really, your dorm room pretty much has everything you need and refuse to come out for anything short of a fire drill • clung to the one person you knew before getting on campus out of fear, even as they branch out like a normal person

Don’t panic. Welcome to Duke, Class of 2015! I know it’s been said again and again (and again), but I repeat it here on the grounds that it sounds much more heartfelt coming from a stranger in a magazine that has mysteriously appeared under your door. I’d like to echo former editor Zak Stemer’s wise words here: if you are a parent and currently reading this, trust that you’ve done a good job for the last 18 years. They got into Duke, didn’t they? Ok. Now fly, fly.

• hooked up with your FAC (congrats!) • been to a tailgate • said hi to every person you walk by and then, assured that this alone will have you making friends in no time, walk away with a “see you around!” Relax. I’m just as guilty as you are. The first semester of college really is that one time where almost everyone around you is in the same boat – out of their comfort zone, trying to make friends and reassemble some sense of social structure. It’s like fat camp all over again.

And now back to you, stumbling, happygo-lucky, “able to hold your liquor” (but not really) freshmen. By sheer virtue of reading this, congratulations – you’ve survived orientation, hopefully with nothing more than a slightly bruised liver and the dawning, regretful realization that yes, the girls really are hotter at UNC. But O-week is just the start of your next four years. It won’t be long before you realize that your mom’s meatloaf really wasn’t that burnt, that your old friends really weren’t that douchey (but your new ones are), and that your high school’s football coach really wasn’t that overpaid. Also that 9GAG.com is your new best friend. Definitely that last one. 4/CNQ/September 2011

Pictured: epicness you will most likely never know.

CNQ Comedy Magazine But while opportunities like this may not come around often, that doesn’t mean you should be stressed about it. In my infinite wisdom as a sophomore, the best advice I can offer is that Duke is full of interesting people. I remember getting back from class one day and having my roommate introduce me to some random chicks. They seemed nice enough at the time, but it wasn’t until they left that I found out one of them was Bruce Springsteen’s daughter and one of the best equestrians in the country. Have actual conversations with people and minor details like this might come up. Really get to know a few people and you’ll reap the rewards much more than by going after a blanket goal of learning every single freshman’s name. I know, I know, you’re fighting the urge to groan “yes, mom.” I’ve been serious long enough. As you start your own party-filled, 4.0-crushing, sex-crazed lives at Duke, I and the rest of the CNQ staff will be at your side every step of the way. Well, maybe not for the sex. No one wants to see that. As your premier source for all things funny, as the Apple of comedy, we’ve always been the magazine that loves to make you laugh, because that might be all we’re good at. 2011 represents a monumental year for Carpe Noctem as well as for you, and while I can’t say much more than that right now (don’t worry, no one’s going to die or anything like that), I invite you to join us as we launch into a new era of comedy. Like our Facebook page, follow us on Twitter, come work for our staff (see the back cover) but most of all, keep your eyes peeled – because we’re feeling devilishly mischievous. Stay tuned.

sachin Doshi Supreme Pharaoh

Aaron Joseph

WILL HAWKINS

ANDREW SCOTT

dan pelzman

Cal Sowa

Travis Smith

Kelsey Woodford

Michael D'ippolito

Executive Editor

Copy Editor

Guest Contributor

Copy Editor

Staff Writer

Guest Contributor

Sachin Doshi Editor-in-Chief

Special thanks to Zak Stemer Contact us at DukeCNQ@gmail.com 5/CNQ/September 2011

Aries (March 21-April 19):

Your storybook romance will be full of statuesque vampires, muscular werewolves and dialogue at a four-year-old’s reading level.

“

HOROSCOPES

On relationships:

It’s been a whole week since you left for college. ...I’ve nailed, like, 12 of your friends. -Pat Light

Taurus (April 20-May 20):

While meant to inform the world of your deep spirituality and desire for harmony, the dolphin tattoo on your lower back just tells people about your daddy issues and sexual promiscuity.

Gemini (May 21-June 21):

You caused quite a stir in high school when, as prom king, you ordered and carried out eight beheadings and a public flogging of your asshole trigonometry teacher.

Cancer (June 22-July 22):

This summer you vowed to hit the gym, and thanks to drunk driving and poor street lighting, you did!

Leo (July 23- August 22):

Love can make you dizzy, emotional and at a loss for words. So can a stroke. The stars recommend you get an MRI.

Virgo (August 23- September 22):

When faced with a tough decision, follow your first instinct: Vote for the white guy but tell everyone you didn’t.

PUBLIC

STATISTICS

Libra (September 23- October 22):

A brain tumor is no laughing matter…unless it’s in your left frontal lobe, in which case you will be laughing uncontrollably.

Scorpio (October 23- November 21):

After being beaten up by your arch foe, you will dedicate approximately two hours and three montages to becoming a karate master, defeating your enemies, getting the girl and destroying a classic movie trilogy.

Sagittarius (November 22- December 21):

The stars were going to read your future, but then sort of decided to just continue living their lives instead.

Capricorn (December 22- January 19):

Momentary friction between the floor and the legs of your chair will lead to your ultimate shame when your classmates turn to you in disgust and begin laughing hysterically.

Aquarius (January 20- February 18):

You will learn an important life lesson while reading horoscopes: Fart jokes can, in fact, be classy.

Pisces (February 19-March 20):

They say that winning the lottery is equal to getting struck by lightening twice. Guess Fate will owe you a jackpot or two.

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Why did we choose Duke? 41%- Tulane still can’t pay us enough to live in New Orleans. 24%- Duke blue brings out our eyes. 14.5%- Because ethnic diversity is overrated. 11%- Constant fear of being shanked in Durham makes us feel alive again. 7%- Attending a school built on tobacco money fills our chests with pride...and about 45 carcinogens. 0.5%- It’s where all the pretty girls go.

CNQ Public

Opinion

What Do You Expect to Gain From Freshman Year?

Annie Grimes: I’m going to get all A’s! I mean really, how hard can Duke be?

Caprice Coletti: I think I’m going to get a sense of fulfillment, selfenlightenment and probably HPV.

Connor Dwight: The most important thing I’ll gain is a quality education and a degree to fall back on in case I don’t become a pro lacrosse player, earning literally tens of dollars each year.

Top

David Cole: Honestly? Mild cirrhosis and increased risk for future alcoholism.

Sarah Berty: About 25 pounds and grease stains on half my blouses.

Shia Cohen: Duke will provide a valuable social network so that no matter where I am in the world, I can find somebody else to act elitist with.

Searches for Incoming Freshman

Eating Animals Sparknotes Does size really matter? How hot are Duke girls?

Eating Animals Cliffnotes Fake IDs Durham, NC Coach Shuhshefski What dorm is Austin Rivers in?

Eating Animals summary online WomenWithHorses.com

7/CNQ/September 2011

“

On friends:

Freshman, get to know early on which groups of people you want and don’t want to hang out with. For example, stay away from the hermaphrodites. They can be so full of themselves. -Michael Bobrinskoy

RULE 1: Safe sex does not mean having sex in a bank. That’s actually really illegal apparently. Learned that lesson the hard way.

8/CNQ/September 2011

Welcome to college, brosef! You made it through four years of high school. Four years of bitchy cheerleaders, dumb jocks and dorky dungeon masters. Now you’re at Duke, where the cheerleaders are bitchier, the jocks jockier and the dungeon masters dorkier…and everywhere. Let’s face it, you’re gonna need help. Follow our advice if you want to survive your orientation with only a mildly battered liver. Duke’s president’s name is Dick Broadhead. This is funny to everyone… except President Broadhead. Remember that. If you go to Shooters, bring Purell. Lots of Purell. Also, leave your dignity at home.

Orientation is about meeting different people…and then pretending like you don’t know them three weeks later.

An elephant never forgets to wrap its trunk, so neither should you. When someone says, “Vodka mixes well with everything,” we suggest you pull out a jar of mustard. Time to practice what you preach.

Maya Angelou is a very inspirational speaker and we are very lucky she always speaks at our convocation. Show her some fucking respect.

If you are an international student from Djubuti, please remember that honking a woman’s breasts is not the standard greeting in America.

TRUST ME, I WANTED TO BE A DOCTOR We’ve all dreamt of becoming a doctor, astronaut, firefighter or masked vigilante. It’s time to grow up and get a big-boy dream.

You will meet absolutely brilliant people. These are called “Asians.”

BY TRAVIS SMITH

Remember, the legal drinking age is 21. But if you just say you’re dyslexic and thought it was 12, most police officers will just believe you.

“Oh, you’re Pre-Med, too? Same! Yeah, Scrubs did it for me too! Oh my god! It’s so interesting how we can talk about science and how we want to be like our doctor parents!” Sure, being a doctor is kind of like Scrubs, except it isn’t funny (it’s fucking gross), and everybody dies. Think of the spotty rashes, infections and general odor of your doctor-frequenting grandparents. Shit, you could be the doctor grabbing your grandpa’s balls and telling him, “Now Grandpa, turn your head and cough for me. ...Once more please.” Not to mention, even if you entered medical school during season one you, like the actors, still wouldn’t be a doctor. Even I was Pre-Med. I was serious about it too. Then i discovered alcohol and weed, and now I’m a psychology major. Have fun in 8:30 a.m. lab, dick.

Know the difference between sexy violence and sexual violence. Sexy violence = woman + woman + bikinis + mud. Sexual violence = woman + man + baseball bat + police intervention. It’s important to stand up for what you believe in. Make sure you tell those poor kids how superior you are. At least one person will have legitimate medical marijuana. Find them.

Although you may know every Jonas Brothers song, perhaps try to steer conversation away from this pathetic fact. Mentioning the Jo Bros to a girl is like telling her, “By the way, I have an undescended testicle.” MEN: Check for an Adam’s apple. …always. MEN: To meet a girl, be kind: offer her a breath mint.

LADIES: When meeting a guy, it’s not a breath mint. Beware. 9/CNQ/September 2011

Dear Aaron, What are the best clubs and activities to get involved in? Eager Eagle My personal recommendations are Erotica for a club and hard drug use for an activity. I remember when I first discovered black tar heroin, I—HOLY CRAP! You meant academics and extracurriculars! In that case, maybe Cru and Habitat For Humanity? Dear Aaron, Do I need a fake ID at Duke? Feeble Felon Oh come on! Does the pope shit in the woods? …Wait. Dear Aaron, Why has it taken my dad five years to come back from getting that carton of cigarettes? Daddy Issues Well, please note that although I have a knack for never being wrong, ever, this is all hypothetical. I believe there is only one possible explanation for what happened to your father: Your father was driving to the nearest convenience store when he saw a wounded bald eagle in the street. Since your dad is such an honorable, respectable man and definitely does not make up excuses to run away from his family, he stopped to move the endangered creature from the road. Your father then went to the gas station 10/CNQ/September 2011

to buy his American Spirits (which is the favorite brand of such a admirable patriot). He lit one up the second he exited the shop. Unfortunately, he had forgotten it was a gas station shop, and the second he sparked the lighter, the entire gas station erupted in flames. The force of the explosion was enough to send your dad to the Jurassic Period. Luckily, his fall was cushioned by a friendly brachiosaurus who ever so courteously picked him off its back and set him in some nice grass. Knowing his family needed him and devoid of any desire to ever leave them and visit a brothel full of Asian women—for whom he has no fetish— your father immediately began construction of a time machine. He occasionally has to deal with a particularly mischievous group of velociraptors, but other than that, it’s smooth sailing. He only has to reinvent steel, rediscover electricity and figure out how the hell to time travel. Like I said, no big deal. Who knows, he might even bring along a cuddly baby triceratops when he gets home just in time for Christmas! What, you don’t believe my prediction? FINE! We all know your dad ran off with a cheap, gonorrhea-stricken crack whore and he’s NEVER COMING BACK, but I’m too nice a person to ever tell you that! Look, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. She wasn’t a crackwhore. She was probably a lovely lady. Wait, I mean I’m sure your dad just lost his way coming back from the store. Let’s put this behind us. Friends? PS—I’m banging your mom.

SPOTTED! Here are the ways upperclassmen can tell you’re a freshman. by michael d’ippolo You think “tailgate” means barbecuing and tossing the pigskin You’re sober at a Duke football game You’re at a Duke football game You claim to be a straight-A student You ask for Austin River’s autograph on campus You’re frightened by Larry Moneta’s emails You’re impressed by the Marketplace You signed up for an 8:30 am class You expect to wake up before 8:20 am for your 8:30 am class

Chance you did the summer reading: 80% Chance your FAC did the summer reading: 2% Chance itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll matter if you did the summer reading: 0%

11:00 a.m. Stalk That One Girl You Sort Of Had A Thing With on blue devil days*

12:03 p.m. begin summer reading

10:00 a.m. Facebook Stalk Future Roommate

*You had a brief conversation on the C-1. She avoided you at Shooters that night.

12:00 p.m. masturbate 11/CNQ/September 2011

3:26 p.m.

See that Reading Bathroom Graffiti is the only Writing 20 left (W/F 8:30 a.m.)

Writing 20:Bathroom Graffiti

Assignment 1: Explain the component of masochism as portrayed in sexual practices with Italian cuisine. (3-5 pages) Assignment 2: How would you fuck a pizza? (12-15 pages)

12:12 p.m.

3:10 p.m.

Google that karen owen chickâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s powerpoint*

1:00 p.m.

stalk the duke 2014 facebook group

2:00 p.m.

bookbag on Aces x

3:01 p.m. give up

wonder where all the hot people at duke are

*And masturbating to it. Be honest. 12/CNQ/September 2011

3:24 p.m.

Realize your registration window was last week

3:27 p.m. Throw your macbook pro across the room

8:30 p.m.

5:00 p.m.

Diff’rent Strokes marathon

dinner with your friends who are going to upenn and brown

Whatchu talkin’ about Entertainment Tonight?

8:00 p.m.

IMDB search “gary coleman” to see what he’s working on.

THE FIRST ROOMMATE CHAT BlueDevil2015: Hey—is this Ron? TheRedRanger91: Look. The stalking charges aren’t gonna stick. We’re in the clear. TheRedRanger91: Whoops. Wrong IM. Who is this?

8:01 p.m.

WHAT? HE DIED?! WHEN?! x

8:02 p.m.

maybe michael jackson will do a tribute concert for him?

BlueDevil2015: My name’s David. Just checked RLHS… looks like we’ll be rooming together next year. TheRedRanger91: Oh. Salutations, David! I have been expecting you! BlueDevil2015: Yeah…sorry for creeping for your AIM screenname lol

9:00 p.m. “Who got into the better school?” dick measuring contest

TheRedRanger91: No worries! By the way, I’m a Capricorn too!

TheRedRanger91: And your girlfriend is GORGEOUS. I love the photo of you two by Grand Canyon in ‘08 BlueDevil2015: …thanks. So I was wondering…we should prob figure out who is bringing what to the room TheRedRanger91: Say no more, Davizzle! Let’s divide it up. If you could bring the mini fridge and TV, I’d have no problem bringing the VCR. Oh…and do you think we’ll have room for the life-sized cutout of Edward Cullen? BlueDevil2015: Ummm...probably not? TheRedRanger91: Oh I get it. You’re on Team Jacob, aren’t you, Dwizzle? Guess we can’t be best friends now HAHAHA TheRedRanger91: Quick! favorite Power Ranger on three. One. Two. Billy the Blue Ranger from season 3 TheRedRanger91: … TheRedRanger91: Davey Davey Davey Davey Davey BlueDevil2015: I haven’t really seen Power Rangers since 1996. Wait, how come your screen name is “The Red Ranger” when your favorite is… TheRedRanger91: Silly D-Weezy, to throw people off the trail! BlueDevil2015: Riiight. So…excited for Duke Basketball?

8:03 p.m. You gotta be fuckin’ kidding me...

11:00 p.m. fall asleep while watching porn* on starz

TheRedRanger91: Not really. Born and raised a UNC fan. BlueDevil2015: Oh fuck this BlueDevil2015 has signed off

*Julie & Julia 13/CNQ/September 2011

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7 6 13

4 1

2 12 1. K-Ville No, it didn’t rain, the ground is just soaked in beer. Whether you tent or not, K-Ville is the place to drink to past and future victories over the genetically inbred and athletically inferior Tar Heels. 2. Wannamaker The only redeeming quality this dorm has is its proximity to Only Burger (the best drunk burger and fries you’ve ever eaten and then barfed up later). 3. Crowell Substance-free. Need we say more? Avoid at all costs or the only party you will have is a study party. 4. Kilgo They hide their trash in closets, this makes us wonder: What else are they hiding? Don’t trust Kilgo.

5. Bryan Center Home to the greatest campus restaurants: McDonalds and the Dillo. We’ll have a #3 with guacamole and an angiogram. 6. Gross Chem You will never meet bigger dicks than the stairs leading to Gross Chem. Plus, it’s where chemistry lectures are held. Burn this mother down if you ever get the chance. 7. French Family Science A monumental edifice built to support the advancement of science and the human race. Unfortunately, you will only be using it to measure how much lab hurt your GPA. 8. LSRC Massive compound. Usage: unknown. Home to the Gay-Love auditorium; giggle at will. 9. E Quad A magical land akin to Middle Earth, except without all the cool elves, war and Academy Awards. Instead it has a bunch of engineers sprinting awkwardly while reading their math books and typing on their calculators.

10. Craven With four frats, there’s a party here every weekend. Warm beer and loud music, add a bad pregnancy scare and it’s high school prom all over again. 11. Few Renovated and dipped in gold, Few represents the pinnacle of West Campus dorms. To get a room, you pretty much have to kill somebody. Tip: Dump their body near Edens and no one will ever know. 12. Keohane It is suspected that Keohane was founded when nomads attempted to journey to Edens, got tired and decided to settle about halfway. 13. Chapel A Duke icon and a reminder to every nongentile that we picked the wrong school. 14. Edens While it’s named after the Biblical paradise, Edens is, in fact, an utter shithole located about 30 miles south of campus. The reasons for visiting Edens should be limited to: lifethreatening emergencies and... well, that’s really it.

15/CNQ/September 2011

14. Sarah P. Duke Gardens To your left is the exquisite, rare African tiger lily; to your right there’s a student being mugged; and if you peek behind that bush you can catch two people having sex next to the rare Venetian roses. Watch for thorns, they chafe. 15. Nasher Art Museum Expand your cultural horizons and see great works of art. Nah, just kidding. Go for free food and a chance to impress people by commenting on the “strong brushstrokes” and other artsy crap. 16. Central Campus Housing A hotbed of violence and crime, Central does provide advantages like increased freedom and responsibility and a steady stream of chances to appear on the TV show COPS. 17. Baldwin It’s a graduation requirement to climb it, but you can get an honors degree if you get to the top and can explain why the hell Baldwin even exists. 18. Pegram Dude, life is about expressing yourself, and art helps you do that. Art is the way to, like, enrich your life. Well art...and weed.

19. Alspaugh Nothing of note. Like Hufflepuff, this dorm is totally unremarkable. 20. Lilly Library A bastion of knowledge and the sanctum for studious scholars. You can also get every season of Kyle XY on DVD! 21. Giles Best. Dorm. EVER!* 22. Jarvis There isn’t enough Purell in the world to make it safe to walk through these halls. Bring your hazmat suit...and penicillin. Lots of penicillin. 23. Gilbert-Adams This dorm is huge. Compensating for something small? 24. Southgate So far away you have to go through the wardrobe to Narnia to get there. Enjoy the hike; by the end of the year you’ll have thighs like a Hungarian shot-putter. 25. Blackwell A dark enigma, no one knows what nefarious, immoral, wicked deeds take place in this house of sin. If you live there, take pictures. They will come in handy during the trial.

26. Randolph You know what they say about guys with small rooms... 27. Bell Tower Le Chateau Bell Tower: Inside we have massages, a cinema and large suites for you to brag about until your friends become resentful. Kindly visit the Oasis to stock up on free condoms and dental dams. 28. Aycock You know how sometimes something is really funny until it’s overused for like a decade? Yes, we understand the dirty entendre of your name. If you’re going to make these jokes, go all out: Get a giant 12-foot-tall statue of a rooster with a huge penis. 29. Epworth A delightful picturesque cottage if you ignore the fact that you’re only 20 feet away from the 3-foot-high wall designed to keep criminals out. Good luck with that. Sleep with one eye open and a gun under your pillow. 30. Coffeehouse Bust out your side-swept hair, wool hats and underground music, this place is so hipster your jeans will shrink three sizes upon entering.

This is the haven for kids who wanted to attend, but didn’t get into, Brown University. 31.Wilson (cough) SLUTS! (cough). Sorry, do you by chance have a lozenge? We might be coming down with a cold. 32. Marketplace Not a dorm, but rather a DMZ. Set down your dorm prejudices and eat together. Say how much you love the food until three weeks later when you get sick of pizza. Then bitch about it nonstop. 33. Brown Making fun of them is too easy. We didn’t feel it was right. 34. Bassett Home to freshmen basketball players. Worship at its door, for you’re not worthy. Breathe deeply. Smell that? That is the scent of victory, success and Tar Heel blood used in secret voodoo rituals led by a clocked Coach K. 35. Brodie Gym Stock up on Muscle Milk and a hatred of your current body and go scope out the gym. You realize that while 30% of Duke students are Asian, only 0.3% of the gym population is. Turns out rice and bubble tea is a slimming diet. * This writer may or may not have lived in Giles.

16 15

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33 32

27 21

25 30 22 24

23 29

17/CNQ/September 2011

MGD 64: Cooking with Keystone Cooking on a college budget can be harder than a 15-year-old boy at spring break in Cancun. It doesn’t have to be! You’ll learn how to make delicious, healthy meals with a can of frat-water and a few choice ingredients like Easy Mac, mayonnaise and the Chinese food at the back of your fridge. Wouldn’t you love to eat dishes like Keystone noodle soup or Busch Light fried rice every night? Enroll today!

TRINITY REQUIREMENT AZN 3.14: Anatomy of an Asian No matter how well you do on a test, there’s always at least one Asian who scores higher. What makes them so smart? Are they aliens from a planet where math skills are sexy? Do they have extra-large brains to compensate for extra-small…erm…you know? Perhaps they are all clones of an evil communist genius. Answer these and many more questions. Register soon; class rules state that after the first student enrolls, each of the following will be killed.

“

On finals:

Last year, I wrote my final science paper on the effects of marijuana. I don’t really remember what my paper was about, you know, ‘cause I was so high on the marijuana -Michael Bobrinskoy

18/CNQ/September 2011

INDEPENDENT STUDY

PLYBY 69: Inter-Gender Interactions BP 911: Advanced Problem Solving and Its Avoidance For those who are both wildly imaginative and completely idiotic, BP has turned to you for help. Collect your hair, small dogs, paper towels, midgets and Proactiv and get ready to rid the Gulf of oil! You’ll work handson with qualified professionals like Ashley Simpson, Courtney Love, and Kevin Costner to develop a plan to stop that flow like an Ultra Heavy Flow Tampax.

You scored high on the SATs, now learn how to score big in BED. Take it to the next level and wake up every morning feeling like P. Diddy. Learn how to seduce any girl at Shooters (midweek) and catch the attention of every p-frosh at Blue Devil Days. First five to enroll get a free pack of flavored condoms (Aristocrat, jalapeño, Cheez Whiz and self-respect)!

βΓΘ 102: Chemistry of Rohypnol Unique language, peculiar dress, protein powder and “bromance”: all critical aspects of life in the fratosphere. Do you find yourself drawn to the mysterious life of a bro? Do you fear that you are not fully prepared to step into the life of a bromosexual? βΓΘ 102 will walk you through the day-to-day life of a frat-star from hangovers to hair gel and everything in between. Take yourself from padawan to Brobi Wan Kenobi in just one semester. Remember: use the force…but never on a woman.

GAGA 666: The Shemale Form Amidst rumors of extraterrestrial origins, an Al Qaeda alliance and weapons of mass destruction (read: penis) the Department of Defense has awarded Duke a $2 million grant for the advanced study and complete biochemical analysis of the creature known simply as “GaGa”. Students will work to extensively research GaGa’s true origins and determine her ultimate nefarious endgame. 19/CNQ/September 2011

MYSTIC PIZZA BY KELSEY WOODFORD

A classic coming-of-age story with love, food and anguish.

by Kelsey Woodford

This is a cautionary tale about the place in which you will be taking your meals for the next year, your refuge, your bane, your Marketplace. Now you’re all brighteyed little freshmen, so I wouldn’t expect you to have many expectations or thoughts about what a college eatery is like. You’ve probably been too busy buying your first-day-of-class outfit or deciding whether the beer pong poster or the stripper-on-a-motorcycle poster better evinces your true character to really consider what is it to eat in the same place twice a day, seven days a week. Well, my fledglings, that’s why I’m here. I’ll be your guiding light through what to expect in your relationship with the Marketplace. You’ve probably already walked through the arches of East Union giddy and nervous, but putting on your best mask of swagger. You took in the ceiling-high windows, aesthetically-pleasing layout, coffee shop and ridiculous cereal varieties with eagerness. You thought to yourself, “Well at least I’ll be holding a somewhat appetizing tray when I walk out of the kitchen and into the Mean Girls style eating area,” and felt a ray of optimism about your life as a Duke freshman. This euphoria lasts about a month. Your own complacency coupled with the upperclassmen’s repetitive complaints lay siege on your eating enthusiasm. It’s a love affair gone sour. You start to see the little irritating quirks of the place rather than its general goodness. Your list of grievances rivals Jefferson’s: The chocolate milk runs out, the pasta line is Vietnam War long and the sun streaming through the windows is just too damn bright after your first Thirsty Thursday. In short: The Marketplace has begun to fail you. At first, these small betrayals upset you, but as your angst deepens, your irritation turns to anger, and your anger turns to malice.

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Much like a discontented spouse, you lash out at your significant eatery, except rather than choosing the whip of infidelity as your weapon, you take the sword of petty thievery. You pilfer its forks and cups, leaving it barren; you mar its tables with your 2nd grade concoctions; and you confuse its kitchen with your misplaced cutlery. But to no avail. Patient and kind, the Marketplace serves you the same food, with the same service and the same flaws. You up the ante. You get shwasted, and as your level of intoxication moves from blissful to belligerent, you walk determinedly to East Union, hand/drop your DukeCard to the staff member working there and throw whatever doesn’t seem to be vomit-inducing on your plate. You blackout for most of the meal, but what you do remember is climbing awkwardly onto the table (flashing the entire room) and beginning to dance/sing “Whatever You Like.” You’ve hit rock bottom in your Marketplace misadventure. I write to you today from my throne of allknowing wisdom telling you that while you may be insolent to the building all you like, you must treat the workers with grace and dignity for precisely three reasons: 1. The workers are good people (especially Kemone and Wallace) who are just trying to serve you your broccoli. 2. If you don’t appreciate the warmth you are getting in your nice little haven while I suffer through the general anger of the Great Hall, I will personally kick your ass. 3. The golden rule of the food industry: These people make your food and if you screw with them, I, for one, will fully support their God-given right to spit in your macaroni and cheese. Bon Appétit! Kelsey

7 5

2 3

LESSON 1: HOME SHOPPING Don’t do any online shopping while you’re under the influence, you may find that you sent 144 ping pong balls to your home address.

10 8 LESSON 6: VITAMIN BOOZE Fresh fruits (especially limes) are the best way to make shitty liquor better. They also ward off scurvy, which can be a concern if you only eat Marketplace pizza.

LESSON 2: PERMANENT SCARRING

LESSON 7: STAY CLEAR OF EVERCLEAR

Despite what Asher Roth says, most nights you won’t wish that you’d taped it. He is right about one thing: Don’t pass out with your shoes on; penises can be hard to wash off.

Everclear is shady, tastes bad and taking shots of it may or may not impair your ability to live. Also, it is not the cheapest way to get schwasted; Franzia boxed wine is.

LESSON 3: SAY HELLO TO JELL-O

LESSON 8: BOTTOMS DOWN

Girls love two things: Jell-O shots and the guys who give them Jell-O shots. Just make sure she has her HPV shots too.

Chugging vodka is never a good idea; it can cause pregnancy and sleeping in the road. Also: death (don’t forget death).

LESSON 4: AN APPLE A DAY

LESSON 9: NICE RACK

When it comes to vodka, Smirnoff Green Apple is pretty much the best thing ever. Before drinking: Stand tall and be confident in your sexuality.

LESSON 5: GENDER ROLES If you’re drinking Burnett’s, you’re either a girl or you won’t be touching one.

The only sport where losers are still winners, beer pong dominates parties. But please, don’t bounce the ball. You’re in college now; grow up.

LESSON 10: MIND OVER MATTER The greatest skill you can acquire is the ability to enjoy Busch Light. Just pretend it’s urine and it’ll go down easier. 21/CNQ/September 2011

We’re sure you started your summer with plans for greatness, and pretty positive

those plans never materialized. Check out summer’s biggest letdowns, failures and washouts. Soul Searching The Plan: Find yourself. The Reality: Discover the old VHS of Jurassic Park is actually your parents’ sex tape. Find yourself enjoying it and realizing your mom is way more ﬂexible than you thought. You decide to keep the tape and ponder getting psychological help. Male Seeking Female The Plan: Get a girlfriend. The Reality: Awkwardly try to hook up with old high school exes. Fail, but build suspiciously larger arm muscles on your dominant side. Literary Genius The Plan: Read thousands of pages, including the works of Shakespeare, Vonnegut, and Salinger. The Reality: Read the ﬁrst page of Eating Animals, then try to read the rest on Sparknotes, but get bored and read the entirety of CollegeHumor.com instead.

highexpectations by Travis Smith

Go Hulk The Plan: Gain 15 pounds of muscle. The Reality: Realize that protein shakes taste like shit. Find out your good friend started dealing at college and you get the “good friend” discount. Gain an eighth per week, facial hair, and the knowledge that Doritos Fiery Habenero ﬂavored chips are good all day. Mad Money The Plan: Get a summer job. The Reality: Work at your mom’s summer camp in the inner city. Gain a sense of caring, and learn the small but important distinction between ending a derogatory word with “-er” or “-ah”. Wordsmith The Plan: Work more similes into semi-funny emails to family members. The Reality: Realize your writing is crappier than a Port-O-Potty at an IBS convention. You also get the sneaking suspicion that your nana never even reads the short stories you send her. Class Reunion The Plan: Reconnect with high school friends. The Reality: Realize you went to the better college. Revel in it.

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CNQ 10 10 CNQtop TOP

�� WE �� WE THINGS WISH �� AS � �� KNEW FRESHMEN WILL HAWKINS

w i l l

h a w k i n s

It’s very possible to contract an STD from the cage at Shooters.

1. It is very possible to contract an 8:30 were STDa.m. fromclasses the cage atcreated Shooters.

by Satan to ruin your life.

2. 8:30am classes were created by Satan to ruin your life.

To a drunk roommate, a sock on the door doesn’t always cut it.

3. Money for tailgate costumes is an essential part of any student’s college budget. Dental dams are not for

flossing your teeth.

4. Dental dams are not for ﬂossing your teeth.

Drinking Aristocrat does not, in

5. fact, make you one. Drinking Aristocrat does not, in fact, make you one.

Buying your books from the Duke 6. Store literally doubles your tuition cost.

Buying your books from the Duke Store literally doubles your tuition cost.

The C-1 waits for NO ONE!

7. The C-1 waits for NO ONE!

Duke has a women’s 8. basketball team. Seriously.

Duke has a women’s basketball team. Seriously.

9. There’s very little interest in starting a Duke Nudist Colony There’s very little interest in Selective Living Group. Don’t waste your starting a “Duke Nudist Colony” efforts. Selected Living Group. Don’t waste your eﬀorts.

CNQ IS THE GREATEST DUKE 10. MAGAZINE OF ALL TIME. CNQ IS THE GREATEST DUKE

MAGAZINE OF ALL TIME.

There are four places where meeting friends will be the easiest: the Marketplace, a stranger’s room, parties and class. Making new friends at the Marketplace might seem difficult, but don’t be naïve. Find the table with the least space available, put a chair between two people and jump into the conversation. Remember: “No” and “Get away from me, perv!” are really just polite ways of saying, “We should be friends!” So have your boarding pass ready because you’re taking a oneway trip to Friendship International Airport! Now let’s say you’re all moved in and you notice the room next to yours has a closed door. What do you do? Don’t even bother knocking; just get in there like Tiger Woods at a sorority party! Be sure to do something really personal like give them a hug or sit on their lap to show them that you want to be friends. The process is simple: meet, mingle, borderline sexually assault and repeat. Alright champ, it’s party time. Are you ready to get as wild as Lindsay Lohan at Tijuana meth rave?! Parties are proving grounds, so make sure to mark your turf. Guys, this means that when a hot girl walks into a room you MUST either pee directly on her or yell “Dibs!” if you intend on courting her. My recommendation is to go with option two until you know how she feels about #1 (get it? #1?). When talking to girls, it’s important to remember that they love honest, sensitive guys*, so you should definitely tell them about your porcelain cat collection and that adorable thing you and your mom do every time you watch Pretty Woman together.

Girls, it’s your turn, so listen up. Guys love any story about how your girlfriend “is, like, totally being a slut for no reason,” (can we have her number?) and how you plan on one-upping that skank. Other than that, if you have any trouble, just remember two simple phrases: “Your biceps are huge!” and “I’m pro-choice.” Making friends in class can be trickier than finals. Just remember the golden rule: Passive collaboration is not cheating. If you need help on a test or quiz problem, it’s impolite to bother your new friend by asking for help; just take a glance at what she wrote. If she tries to cover her paper or block your view, she’s only playing hard to get. You could always try “stretching” to get a better view, or go to the bathroom and snap a picture on your camera phone (if you’re lucky you can get a double whammy and score a pic down the shirt of the busty blonde behind you). Pretty simple, right? Just think of all of the potential friends who are waiting beyond your dorm room. You’re going to pop each of their friend cherries like R-Kelly at a Girl Scout meeting. Now, it’s time to get off of your fresh-asses and put my advice to good use.

Learn the formula for meeting people and making friends

Take my advice.

POPULARSCIENCE

Have you ever seen Cinderella? Completely irrelevant, because college is nothing like Cinderella. She had a fairy godmother and talking mice and you, well… unless you visit the kid down the hall who’s selling Mexican mushrooms, then you have no mice and certainly no magic. You have a one-eyed teddy bear and a roommate who sweats profusely and can eat his way out of a black hole, neither of which will make you the most popular kid in school. So for Christ’s sake, put down your Gameboy, close your laptop (or at least stop looking at Pokémon fan fiction), take off that “Bieber Fever” t-shirt and wipe the tears from your face. Nut up or shut up. To make friends, you have one option:

You can thank me later.

*If you believe this, please go back to your room and resume playing Gameboy. Disclaimer: I am not responsible for any personal or emotional injury that may result to the reader of this article.

CAL SOWA 23/CNQ/September 2011

The Night before... My Marketplace Swipes Ran Out a festive take on a festering topic by Sachin Doshi

was the night before Monday when all through the dorm,

“We’re closing in 20, you don’t stand a chance, And watch where you step, the floor’s covered with ants.”

Not a student was leaving, for there was a storm; My DukeCard account made me moan, groan, and wipe My tears, for’t appeared That I still had a swipe.

With a sigh I went forth and grabbed a “clean” bowl, Looked down, sighed some more, picked off crumbs from a roll. As I glanced at the pizza it drip-dropped with lard, And I gagged in disgust and stepped back – I was scarred.

While Flex is imaginary as can be These overpriced meal swipes are real, for you see; When I was a lad I was raised by the whip And if food went to waste I was beaten and clipped.

Now I went to Cucina, for surely I’d find Only wholesome good pasta on which I could dine; But as I looked over I saw with a wince That it must have been years since those pans had been rinsed.

I know what you think, I can tell by your face “He’s Indian, it’s common.” …that may be the case; But let me retort in this verbal discourse, If we go by what’s common – your ‘rents are divorced.

How about the Rim? I thought with a grimace, Their tofu is shit and it causes great sickness; Christmas spirit was here, though, and part of me hoped That their options tonight would be somewhat more dope.

Now back to my tale: thanks to what I described Though four hours from home, I feared for my life I pulled out my iPhone™ and texted my friends Wow, such great guys, all I got were dead ends.

Damn, I was wrong, thanks a lot, old Saint Nick, I feel sick, Nick, I’d rather have licked some hick’s ...penis. So now after everything salad was left, And how could plain lettuce leave me so bereft?

“I’m good man, last night I had lesbian cuisine ;)” “Oh nice.” Thanks for letting me in on the scene….. not. “I’m out of the country dude – in Istanbul” Bitch, I saw you in Trinity chugging Red Bull.

Wrong again, even greens from the earth, it appeared, Were contaminated – it was just as I feared; I’d had it by now, I was ready to leave, From what I could tell, in a minute I’d heave.

So my social incompetence left me to run All alone through the quad, feeling all sorts of shunned; Now I dashed, soaking wet, to the building ahead, Not by any means hoping to leave there well-fed.

I sprang out the door, to the road I went running, Shit what rhymes with running? Oh yeah love glue-gunning; Back to the comfort of Blackwell* for now, Adios, au revoir, auf Wiedersehen, ciao.

In a sec I was there and had swiped myself in, When the waiter in front of me said with a grin,

*Reading this in Blackwell 103? I see you! Also, the bed hinges squeaked like that when I got there, I swear.

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Free Telescope. This page, when rolled into a tube, makes a telescope with 1:1 magnification.

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Are you/want to be any of the following? Hint: yeS. writer

a “sexy bitch”

financially savvy

actor

marketing/business folk

photographer

freelancer

director screenwriter

artist graphic designer

producer

Megan Fox

prankster (criminal record will not disqualify)

website coder

21 or older

funny but with no other skills whatsoever (must be able to dress yourself, unless you’re Megan Fox)

grammar fiend

anything else you’re convinced we need?

COME WORK FOR CNQ

Or the kitten gets it.

28/CNQ/September 2011