A Guide to Finance Interviews

A Guide to Finance Interviews (revised version) Duncan White. April 2008.

Characters: Mr. JONES Ms. AVERY BECKY Note: Becky may be posing as Ms. Avery.

AVERY Hello, hello Mr... Jones, yes, have a seat and how excited we are to meet you.

JONES Yes, ma’am, pleased to meet you too, I... nice office you have.

AVERY Please sit down. So: I read you played collegiate field hockey?

JONES What? No. Not me.

AVERY I’m sorry, this is the wrong resumé. (Shuffles papers.) Here we are. Great.

Coffee? Tea? Perhaps a glass of milk to calm your nerves? You must be very nervous.

JONES Ah, why, no ma’am.

AVERY Well, that’s very bold of you.

JONES Bold of me?

AVERY Bold? I said cold, as in cool, as in calm, which, as you say, you are. That’s good.

Presence of mind, you know, is something we value. So. Something to drink?

JONES I’ll take a...

AVERY Please be aware that we have already begun evaluating your temperament.

JONES You have? I thought we were getting to that?

AVERY We’ve gotten to it. I thought I’d tell you right off the bat. Would you like coffee or tea?

Put another way, just what kind of a man are you?

JONES Oh, fine. I tell you what, I’ll have half coffee and half tea.

AVERY My, Mr. Jones... It doesn’t exactly help your case to give evidence of such imbalance on the first interview, now does it?

JONES I... I stand by my choice.

AVERY Of course you do. Anyway, that sounds very advanced. We could use someone with that sort of resourcefulness and, and disregard for the cherished order of things. I’ll call your order in. [On the phone:] Becky, oh Becky! Half coffee and half tea for Mr. Jones. Yes. It certainly is disgusting. That’s what I thought too, but when I suggested he make up his ugly mind he grew truculent and I feared for my chastity. [To Jones:] Would you like milk and sugar in that, if it’s not a rude question.

JONES No, thank you. When I make a decision, I am willing to accept the full consequences, unusual though they may taste.

AVERY [Phone:] He says no. [Jones:] It will be in shortly, Mr. Jones. Hopefully that will calm you sufficiently so that we may proceed. You’ll notice that we are very, very serious about the interview and evaluation process. At times you may be somewhat confused, but please don’t feel uneasy. We want you to know that it is not our intention to cause stress.

JONES Of course. I understand that.

AVERY Good. I’m sure that everything will go smoothly as long as you are honest and straightforward with us and don’t faint at the sight of blood.

JONES Of course.

AVERY I’m kidding about that, by the way, the honesty part I mean. Do you like riddles? Are you good at them, I mean?

JONES Yes. Critical thinking, I would say, is one of my strong points as a candidate.

AVERY Good, good, then things should go off without a hitch. Riddles help us to guage the limberness of your mind. Is it springy, like an anteloupe, all pointy hooves and fear, or

does it prefer to wallow comfortably in the muck? You do realize that our conversation is being recorded...

JONES Oh! Is it? That’s fine.

AVERY Do you ever worry you might die in your sleep?

JONES Do I... No, no, I don’t.

AVERY Good answer. I don’t either, really. I mean, that doesn’t affect people in our age group, does it? Because you, Mr. Jones, are a fit man. You probably have pretty firm abs.

Although, who knows, anything is possible, isn’t it? Now you see him, now you don’t?

C’est la vie, am I wrong?

JONES Are you...

AVERY Do you enjoy water sports, Mr. Jones?

JONES When I was in high school I played water polo?

AVERY (long pause.) Strange. But let’s move on. Let’s leave this sordid subject behind. Forward!

Next riddle. You have a bucket of rope. You know each of these ropes takes ten minutes to burn. You and I sit in an office. Two buses leave a train station six minutes apart.

Somewhere, far, far away, a village is incinerated by a volcano. There you stand, feeling so naked under your clothes, holding your bucket, fumbling with your sorry bits of rope.

The sun, the moon, the stars. You have thirty seconds. You have fifty years (fifty-one if you eat healthy.) You have twenty-five seconds. You have twenty-four seconds. Go on.

JONES I... You light the rope at both ends. And then...

AVERY Twenty seconds.

JONES Two buses? I’m sorry?

AVERY We don’t give partial credit, Mr. Jones.

BECKY (enters with a mug.)

Hi Becky.

AVERY Hello Ms. Avery.

BECKY Here’s your depraved coffee-tea concoction, Mr. Jones. How’s our plucky candidate doing?

AVERY Doing well. Or badly. He’s holding fast to his dignity, though it’s weighing him down.

I’ve noticed that he has a strange habit of shifting in his seat, as though uncomfortable.

BECKY Is that so?

JONES I, no. She’s very thorough, but I am prepared to handle it. In fact I appreciate it. I’m sorry, I should have mentioned that earlier, Ms. Avery, but I am grateful that you’ve agreed to take this time to meet with me.

BECKY How nice of you to say, Mr. Jones, thank you. Just keep in mind that there’s no reason for you to be anxious. I’m sure you’ll make quite an impression. I’m sure that your dream of working with us will be realized and that your recurring nightmare will be forgotten.

JONES I, thank you... Hold on, did you-- Did you say recurring nightmare?

BECKY Oh, you know, the one in which your family looks scornfully at you because of everything you’ve ever said or done, and even your infant cousin makes ugly faces.

AVERY It’ll fade away, as does love, as does everything meaningful, as you may have noticed.

BECKY And in the meantime, just try to stay focussed. They say my associate can smell fear.

They say the scent of uncertainty puts her into a wild, bestial state.

AVERY (scenting uncertainty) Please drink your beverage while it’s still lukewarm, Mr. Jones.

BECKY But you really don’t have to worry about that. As you’re still young and thick-skinned.

As you’ve not had the chance to really wound anybody yet. As you have a strong character. I’m sure all our spooky tactics will be as water off a duck’s dick.

AVERY When was the last time you cried, Mr. Jones?

BECKY You see, we’re interested in who you are.

AVERY Are you a good fit?

BECKY Not simply: do you look good on paper.

AVERY Though on paper, you are a very sexy man.

JONES I see. And I totally understand, you know, the interview process is what it is. That’s cool.

And, though the world of finance is still somewhat mysterious to me... that is, not mysterious in the sense of... because you can see from my resumé that I do have um... experience. Okay, so if I were to leave you with one impression of what I’m about, it would be this, most of all, that this whole, you know, world, is new and fresh, right? And mystifying. In, in the sense of exciting. And I would be so, so eager, to, to... you know? (long pause.)

BECKY Are you thinking what I’m thinking, Becky?

AVERY I think so.

JONES What I mean is...

BECKY Don’t be alarmed. We do this at every interview.

AVERY Like Becky says. We have a routine procedure to test your work ethic.

JONES My work ethic. Well, that sounds great.

BECKY (to AVERY) Did you hear that?

JONES That’s great. I’m eager to prove myself.

AVERY We’re glad, Mr. Jones, very glad.

JONES Right, listen, if you want me to add—I can add some numbers in my head or—you know—with a calculator or...

BECKY You’ll notice, Mr. Jones, that there is a revolver taped to the underside of your chair.

JONES What?

AVERY What would you say, Mr. Jones, if we asked you to do something you did not enjoy doing?

JONES I’d have to...

BECKY What if we asked you to do that thing for life?

AVERY It’s a trick question.

BECKY Anyway, the pay is good.

AVERY Though on second thought...

BECKY Becky is right, we’ll get back to that in a short while.

JONES I have a question.

AVERY We’re all ears.

BECKY (thoughtful) And toes and fingers...

AVERY And all the rest.

BECKY But mostly ears.

JONES So... I’ve had some trouble. Are you both named Becky? Because... and which one of you is Ms. Avery? (pause) AVERY Well done, Mr. Jones. You are very perceptive.

BECKY And good with names.

AVERY Perhaps I’m Becky, the fiesty secretary who merely poses as the boss to ease the sadness.

BECKY Or I could be Becky, the sad sack with the tart sense of humor, who mixes coffee and tea for confused youth.

AVERY The truth is that I’m Becky. I am the dowdy assistant who has come to loathe her workplace.

BECKY ...along with the other details of her existence. But aren’t I a more likely candidate? Is my face not etched with lines that bespeak a past crowded with tragic loss?

AVERY Though you wouldn’t necessarily guess, given the verve with which she handles a tea tray.

BECKY A person develops a knack for lying to herself.

AVERY Am I not Becky, whose pillow has absorbed a thousand tears and will a thousand more?

BECKY Does the laughter of children not make me sick with grief?

AVERY Perhaps there is a little bit of Becky in all of us. Maybe that’s the truth of the matter.

BECKY A penny for your thoughts, Mr. Jones?

AVERY Assuming they’re worth the price?

BECKY All I know is, I’m not the serpentine Ms. Avery, who stalks her pray on spider legs.

AVERY And I’m certainly not Ms. Avery, the hard-hearted HR whore. Am I? I could be. Did you hear that Mr. Jones was on the field hockey team at Stanford?

BECKY That’s impressive.

AVERY Mmm-hmmm. He was the star. All the girls wanted to shower with him.

BECKY I can see he’s flustered. We’ve flustered him.

JONES No, I’m not flustered, it’s just that, well... you seem to be repeating yourselves. And it’s hard not to get a little confused. I told you I didn’t play field hockey. That’s—it’s not even a men’s sport!

BECKY Mr. Jones, the finance profession requires a presence of mind that few people possess.

JONES You’re right, no, absolutely. I understand. Shall I walk you through my resumé? I feel like that would be a good idea. (pause.) Wouldn’t it?

AVERY Mr. Jones, are you a religious man?

JONES Ah, no...

AVERY Me neither, what with the boobs. And the idea of faith disgusts me.

BECKY Would you like a fortune cookie?

AVERY Ooh... I love this part.

JONES Would I like a fortune cookie? Do I have a choice?

BECKY It’s hard to say. I, for one, see fortune cookie in your future. Go on...

(She offers him one. They study him intently.)

JONES How’s this: (He eats the cookie whole, without reading the fortune. An icy silence during which AVERY takes notes.)

There! That’s what I think of the idea that a cookie can tell my future. No, I believe in writing my own fortune. Pastry shell or no, I refuse to be told what my lot is. Just give me a chance to get out there and do something! I’ll prove myself. I’m the one for the job! I’ll crush the bastards! I’ll bite the nose off a statue and squeeze blood from a stone! I’m your man! (pause.) Is that the right answer?

AVERY It’s kind of a shame that you did that, Mr. Jones.

BECKY I may as well tell you, we have our fortune cookies customized. There was to be this exquisite moment of psychological shock when you opened the crispy shell and found your Father’s Dying Words between your lucky numbers and the Chinese for “duck.”

JONES But my father’s still alive.

BECKY It’s just as well, then. Would you like another? This was to be for Mr. Davidson, but he broke down before we could give it to him.

AVERY Poor Mr. Davidson.

JONES No, thank you.

AVERY I’ll take it.

BECKY We should wrap this up. How well would you say you handle disappointment, Mr. Jones?

JONES Why are you-- that all depends, I guess. Why are you asking?

BECKY No reason at all. Thank you very much, Mr. Jones for meeting with us. It has been a pleasure.

JONES Ah, yes. It has.

BECKY We will be contacting you with our decision within the week. Again, thank you for your time.

AVERY Nice meeting you, Mr. Jones. Goodbye.

(JONES exits.)

BECKY Well, he didn’t do too badly.

AVERY Nor especially well.

BECKY A solid specimen all around. Or most of the way around.

AVERY (Giggles, reading the fortune.)

Listen to this one: “Take care of the ponies, Joe.” BECKY That’s precious.