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DGO Magazine

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What’s inside Volume 4 Number 34 Thursday, December 5, 2019

Editor

Hell yes! It’s Thai time! Thai time!

Angelica Leicht aleicht@bcimedia.com 375-4551

5 Eat

The Khao Soi at Boon’s Family Thai in Farmington is made with tofu, is ramen noodles in a yellow curry base with coconut milk, red onions, crispy noodles, and pickled cabbage. Hell yes? Hell yes.

Staff writer Nick Gonzales ngonzales@bcimedia.com Sales Chandler Sommerfeldt csommerfeldt@bcimedia.com 375-4553 Contributors Erin Brandt Amanda Push Tracie Louck Reader Services

5 Killer Thai in old downtown Farmington? Yes, please. Did you know that Farmington has a Thai barbecue place? Neither did we until recently, but we’re sure glad we found it.

6 Good on the Bun ... and in our bellies DGO is a free biweekly publication distributed by Ballantine Communications Inc., and is available for one copy per person. Taking more than five copies of an edition from a distribution location is illegal and is punishable by law according to Colorado Revised Statute 18-9-314. DGO Magazine is published by Ballantine Communications Inc., P.O. Drawer A, Durango, CO 81302

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Durango Cheesesteaks 6 7 Art

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9 Travel

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Boones Family Thai 5

17 Music

Nick Gonzales/DGO Mag

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Marriage Story 10

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From the blog

7 Get naked to love yourself.Yep, it’s a thing. When many of us wake up and look in the mirror, we don’t love what we see. And that can be a problem. A handful of Durango photographers offer a potential solution ... take your clothes off.

If you’ve walked through downtown Durango around lunchtime between October and May, you’ve probably noticed the cheesesteak guy. Have you paid him a visit? Well, you should.

Upcoming Concerts 17

18 Weed

Strain Reviews 18-19

20 Classifieds 22 Sex & love 23 Puzzles/horoscopes

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ON THE COVER The secrets of Skinwalker Ranch

Tell us what you think! Got something on your mind? Have a joke or a story idea or just something that the world needs to know? Send everything to editor@dgomag.com

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FROM THE BLOG

»» News from our site on the interwebs you may have missed Late night noshing

your sex life, explaining your need for some pre-PIV intimacy and play, informing him this is no longer a desperate request but a non-negotiable demand, and then refusing to shift into caregiver mode when his depressive episode starts.

Pub crawlers, shift workers, and general night owls, rejoice! A new Mexican restaurant in downtown Durango plans to stay open late. In an interview with the Durango Herald, restaurateur Jamie Lariz said he hopes to keep Mi Ranchito open until 3 a.m. on Fridays and Saturdays starting in January. Occupying the former home of BREW Pub & Kitchen on the west 100 block of College Drive, the eatery is convenient to Durango’s nightlife. Lariz previously owned San Marcos Mexican Restaurant on U.S. Highway 160 and No Way Jose’s on Main Avenue. Like the old restaurants, the new menu at Mi Ranchito includes tacos, burritos, fajitas, and pretty much everything you’d expect from a Mexican restaurant.

»» Mi Ranchito Family Restaurant has opened at College Drive and Main Avenue in a space formerly occupied by BREW Pub & Kitchen.

Don’t get us wrong ... the Durango Dawg House is a handy late-night haunt for hot dogs and sandwiches, and Denny’s has been a late-night bystander for eons, but we can always use some more food options at 1 a.m. on a Saturday.

Jerry McBride/ Durango Herald

—— Nick Gonzales (Lack of a) sexual connection I’m a heterosexual cis woman in a monogamous marriage. My husband and I have always struggled to connect sexually, mostly because he has extreme anxiety that makes doing anything new or different difficult. He’s been in therapy since before I met him, but it doesn’t seem to be helping much. His anxiety has caused him to shut down every sexual ask I’ve ever made because he’s afraid he won’t “do it right.” He’s a PIV-and-nothing-more kind of guy, but I’m not asking for varsity-level stuff, just boring things like talking about fantasies, a little role-play, staying in bed on a Sunday just to have sex, etc. All of it is off the table. I understand he has a right to veto sex acts, but isn’t this all pretty basic, run-of-the-mill stuff? He’ll still get his PIV; I just want there to be

other elements before the PIV starts. It’s still a no. Talking to him about this sends him into a depressive episode where I then have to spend hours telling him he’s not a bad person, so I’ve stopped bringing it up. I’ve tried to talk to therapists about navigating this issue, but most change the subject. One actually told me that it was good that we don’t have good sex, because if we did, we wouldn’t have good communication in other areas. (I never went back to that one.) This has gone on for so long that I’ve lost all

interest in sex. My libido, which used to be very high, has vanished. Whenever he wants sex, I do it – but I dread it. Do you have any ideas on how I can navigate this topic with my husband so he doesn’t shut down? How can I make him understand that it’s okay to experiment sexually and it will be okay if it’s not perfect? Lost And So Sad You’re going to have to call your husband’s bluff, LASS, and power through the predictable meltdown. That means raising – again – your unhappiness with

I’m not suggesting your husband’s anxiety and depression are an act, LASS, or that being made aware of your unhappiness isn’t a trigger. But if depressive episodes get your husband out of conversations he’d rather avoid – and if they allow him to dictate the terms of your sex life and treat your pussy like a Fleshlight – then his subconscious could be weaponizing those depressive episodes. And if you shift to caregiver mode every single time – so long as you’re willing to spend hours reassuring him that he’s not a bad person – then your grievances will never be addressed, much less resolved. So even if it means spending an extremely unpleasant evening, weekend, or few weeks with him, you’re going to have to raise the issue and refuse to reassure your husband. Line up whatever support you think he might need before you make your stand – you could also make your stand during a couples counseling session – and give him maybe one “You’re not a bad person, really!” and then refuse to back down. And when he shuts down, LASS, it will be his therapist’s job to pry him back open, not yours. And the sex you’re currently having? The sex you dread and don’t enjoy? The sooner you stop having it, LASS, the sooner your husband will come to understand that he’s going to have to give a little (so very little!) if he wants to have sex at all. If and when he does, then you can borrow a page from the varsity-level kinkster handbook: Take baby steps. In the same way people who are turned on by, say, more intense bondage scenes (suspension, immobilization, etc.) start Continued on Page 11

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[eat]

Boon’s in Farmington features Thai barbecue and friendly atmosphere Did you know that Farmington has a Thai barbecue place? I didn’t – but then again up until recently, I hadn’t really explored the city’s downtown area. I’ve always been content shopping among the chains and big box stores on the northeastern side of town, venturing further south on trips to specifically visit Three Rivers Brewery or Tales of Tomorrow. It’s true, though. Boon’s Thai Family BBQ has been in the area for almost 15 years. It originated in Aztec before making the move to downtown Main Street. The restaurant is named after the owners’ son, Boon, who was a child when it opened, but has since grown up. I found out a lot about the restaurant and its owners because it also turns out that it’s also one of the friendliest restaurants I’ve been to in quite a while. As we were ordering, our waiter asked us where we were from. My dining companion’s response that she is new to the area provoked a visit to the table by restaurant owner Morey Havens. It was surprising, but very welcoming. If it wasn’t apparent from the name, this is definitely a family run restaurant.

Nick Gonzales/DGO

» Khao Soi at Boon’s Family Thai BBQ.

We ordered the Lotus Heaven and the Khao Soi. Billed as one of the restaurant’s tastiest dishes, the Lotus Heaven was slices of chicken breast seared in a Ka Pao sauce and mixed with onions and bell peppers over steamed cabbage. On the menu, the dish had two chili peppers denoting its spiciness, but in reality didn’t taste that spicy at all. Is this a case of a dish being objectively spicy but a diner’s subjective palate being skewed by decades of a diet heavy in chiles? Perhaps. The lack of capsaicin-based heat doesn’t make the entrée a disappointment, though. The sauce was very tangy in a slightly-frutier-than-average-barbecue-sauce sort of way. It flavored the chicken perfectly and even made seamed cabbage somewhat tasty – not the easiest feat. The Khao Soi, which my dining companion – a vegetarian – ordered with tofu, is ramen noodles in a yellow curry base with coconut milk, red onions, crispy noodles, and pickled cabbage. The coconut milk contributed a creaminess to the mix, but the dish was also a bit spicy, she said. She appreciated the presence of the onions and happily noted

» Lotus Heaven at Boon’s Family Thai BBQ in downtown Farmington. that the tofu wasn’t soggy. I ordered a Singha, a beer from Thailand, with the meal. “When in Rome (er, Bangkok)...” I figured.

Boon’s has local craft beers, and next time I’d get one of those instead.

Will there be a next time? Almost certainly. Boon’s does Thai differently than, say, Durango’s Sizzling Siam or Thai Has anyone else noticed that 90 Kitchen, making it a pleasant alternative, percent of the time when you go into especially whenever you find yourself in a restaurant based around a particular nation’s cuisine, there is exactly one beer downtown Farmington. from that nation on the menu? (Tsingtao, Boon’s Family Thai BBQ is located at 321 for instance, at a Chinese restaurant.) W. Main St. in Farmington. For more inforAnd if you order it, it turns out that it’s mation, visit boonsthai.com or call (505) always a pale lager that tastes vaguely 325-5556. like Heineken? That’s exactly what this was. —— Nick Gonzales

�� Thursday, December 5, 2019 | 5

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» Tom Corrado slathers Cheez Whiz onto a cheesesteak at his stand near Ninth Street and East Second Avenue in Durango.

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ican or provolone cheese contributes If you’ve walked through downtown Durango around lunchtime between Oc- to his choice on the latter.) tober and May, you’ve probably noticed Outside of the cheesesteaks for which the cheesesteak guy. he is famous, Corrado also serves two Tom Corrado’s stand, located these other rotating sandwich specials, such days in the parking lot of the Elks as meatball, chicken parm, Italian roast Lodge on Ninth Street and East Second pork, and chicken cutlet sandwiches; Avenue, might not look like anything to bratwursts and hot dogs; and homemade write home about, but fans of regional soups, of which he is especially proud. fast foods may beg to differ. Corrado makes his own broths, and his Corrado grew up in Philadelphia and soups are always gluten-free (if there’s, realized once he moved to Durango that say, noodles, they’re on the side and addhe couldn’t find a proper cheesesteak, ed last). He always has one meat-laden he said. So he decided to make them soup and one vegetarian soup. himself by opening a food cart, Good on Everything at Good on the Bun is the Bun, eight years ago. homemade and made from scratch, he “I thought it was something I could said. “It’s a little taste of where I grew up.” bring to the community and they would Corrado’s choice to run his food cart enjoy,” he said. through the winter seems chilly and Corrado goes out of his way to reccounterintuitive, but there’s a method reate an authentic experience with his to his madness. He works for a compasandwiches. ny that caters food backstage at music “The bread is key,” he said, which is festivals during the summer, leaving him why he has his hoagie rolls sent all the free to make cheesesteaks the rest of way from home. Getting the correct the year. cut of beef is also important, and the The stand is open from 10:30 a.m. to Cheez Whiz he slathers over it recre2:30 p.m. Monday through Friday. ates a South Philly tradition. (His lack of a griddle with which to melt Amer—— Nick Gonzales

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[art]

Courtesy of Photo Divine

Courtesy of Alexi Hubbell Photography

»» Kyla Jenkinson and Photo Divine’s outdoor getaways aim to create a safe space for women to connect, and potentially naked,

»» Alexi Hubbell says her photos help women see their bod-

in nature.

ies for what they really are and increase their self-confidence.

Feeling glum about how you look? Try getting naked Durango photographers use images to encourage women to embrace healthy body image

hen many of us wake up and look in the mirror, we don’t love what we see. And that can be a problem.

According to the National Eating Disorders Association, people with negative body image, regardless of gender, are more likely to develop an eating disorder and suffer from feelings of depression, isolation, low self-esteem, and obsessions with weight loss. A handful of Durango photographers offer a potential solution ... by taking your clothes off. Kyla Jenkinson, who owns Photo Divine with her sister, Wesley Sebern, originally thought she wanted to be a fashion photographer. Then, in 2006, her mother was diagnosed with severe adult anorexia.

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“It sort of poisoned my view on the fashion and media industry,” Jenkinson said. This led her to switch gears and focus on using photography as a healing tool to encourage women to embrace a healthy body image.

Moving past that point means developing a connecAnd she’s not alone. A number of local photogration and a level of trust with the photographer. phers specialize in boudoir photography, including Alexi “I want to show people the beauty that I see in them. Hubbell. I want to reflect the beauty back to them... and I would “I take images of women that empower them to feel never show an image to a client that I didn’t think was confident, to explore themselves, to maybe branch out beautiful,” she said. “When they come back to see their a little bit outside of their comfort zone to help them photos, we’ll have this experience that sort of unfolds create a overall higher level of self confidence than and they start to relax in front of the camera.” they would have had coming in,” she said. Hubbell describes the process as helping her clients If the idea of shedding your clothing in front of your camera fills you with dread, you’re not alone.

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“It’s a really vulnerable place to be to be photographed period, clothes on or off. It’s horrible to have someone point a camera at you and take your picture. It feels awkward,” Jenkinson said. “There’s like 1% of people that are ready to do it.”

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Courtesy of Photo Divine

»» Kyla Jenkinson’s vintage boudoir shoots at Bookcase and Barber embrace the bar’s aesthetics to create a fun setting in which to take pictures. From Page 7

Bookcase and Barber on a regular basis. “I think it’s the sexiest bar in Durango,” she said.

coax the supermodel out of them, see their bodies for what they really are, and memorialize their bodies. Her oldest subject was 72 years old.

The theme makes it a bit easier because dressing up in costume, and adopting a character still provides attendees with a sort of mask that allows them to get in the mood to explore their sexuality ... while drinking really good drinks.

“They’re not doing it so that they can put it up, you know, on the internet and show everybody to get confirmation from other people that they look good,” she said. “They do it for themselves.” Both photographers do one-on-one sessions with women, but Jenkinson has a growing reputation for the group events she hosts. “Girls are sometimes easy because they’re used to tribing together – maybe not all of them – for support, so they already have this understanding that we’re going to circle up. A lot of times, it’s not women that know each other, and sometimes that’s easier because your story doesn’t follow you into the process. You get to share whatever part of your story you can share,” she said. Some of Jenkinson’s getaways take place outdoors and are themed around concepts like “release,” or celestial events such as the spring equinox or the summer solstice. “We usually do some form of journaling, or there’s questions involved, or there’s like icebreaker games that we play – something that makes it so that we remember that we’re all related in some way and that we’re all part of a

“It’s the best of all worlds,” Jenkinson said.

Courtesy of Alexi Hubbell Photography

»» Durango’s boudoir photographers emphasize that the process of taking nude photos should be undertaken for one’s own self-betterment, not for somebody else.

bigger ‘one.’ ... Even though our journeys and our stories are so different, we’re still connected and in ways much deeper than what’s on the surface. Once you have that, it opens up this whole platform to support each other to be able to get naked in nature and be watched. They have this whole support system that’s cheering them on. While they’re totally vulnerable, naked in nature,” she said. “It’s fucking awesome.” Jenkinson has also started hosting vintage boudoir-themed events at the

If this all intrigues you but you lean male on the gender spectrum, don’t despair. An increasing number of photographers, including Hubbell, are offering boudoir services to men as well. The only real difference that she has encountered in shooting men is that they tend to be a bit less comfortable. “They giggle a lot more ... and they usually don’t require hair and make up,” she said. “But they still want to see themselves as something more than what they do on a daily basis or what they look at in the mirror every day.” Kyla Jenkinson is one half of Photo Divine and can be reached at (970) 375-1212 or info@photodivine.com. Alexi Hubbell Photography can be reached at (970) 7690189. —— Nick Gonzales

8 | Thursday, December 5, 2019 ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

[travel]

GET OUTTA TOWN:

NGO POP

The Very Large Array detects and investigates distant celestial objects

Head 50 miles west of Socorro, New Mexico, and you’ll find one of the best locations on the planet to listen to outer space. Less “E.T.” and more “Contact” (in fact, it was a filming location), the Very Large Array is a collection of 27 radio antennas on the Plains of San Agustin.

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See the machines that probe the secrets of the cosmos black holes, and dark energy. All those fun space oddities you heard about in astronomy class.

Visitors to the array can take a walking tour from the visitor center to the base of one of the dishes. (You wouldn’t want to visit all of them – the dishes The dish of each antenna is about 82 are mounted on tracks so that they can feet in diameter and be repositioned, up to weighs about 230 tons. 13 miles away from the By combining data from center.) Guided tours take the antennas, scientists When it comes to visitors behind the scenes can achieve the resoradio astronomy, the on the first and third lution of an antenna Saturday of every month. array is a perfect 22 miles wide and the The visitor center conplace to probe the sensitivity of a dish 422 tains exhibits about radio mysteries of the feet in diameter, none astronomy, several short cosmos. of which exist ... at least videos, and a 23-minute on this planet. At dawn documentary narrated by and dusk, the dishes Jodie Foster. cast mile-long shadows After the tour on the first Saturday, across the plains. visitors are free, with guided telescope This is all to say that when it comes to viewing of the night sky at the Etscorn radio astronomy, the array is a perfect Observatory at the New Mexico Tech place to probe the mysteries of the cos- campus in Socorro. mos. While Hollywood would have you The site and the visitor center are believe the dishes are used for SETI, the open from 8:30 a.m. to sunset daily. The search for extraterrestrial intelligence – gift shop closes at 4 p.m. For more ina real project which scans the universe for signs and messages from alien civili- formation, visit https://public.nrao.edu/ zation – the observatory is actually used visit/very-large-array/. —— Nick Gonzales to study quasars, pulsars, supernovae, C

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Celebrate the Holidays at

‘Marriage Story’: Noah Baumbach’s new take on a broken home Noah Baumbach’s new film “Marriage Story” is not very similar to Robert Benton’s classic “Kramer vs. Kramer.”

“Marriage Story” features one of the best supporting casts of the season, with Ray Liotta, Alan Alda, Julie Haggerty, and Laura Dern (as one of the most unlikable characters this family drama is a year).

Netflix’s marketing for the past few The months would lead you tour-de-force for both Those who have been to believe otherwise – following Baumbach’s Driver and Johansparticularly Marriage’s career since 2005 will poster, which looks like son, who will most an intentional homage likely gain nomina- probably wonder how much Nicole is based on to the original “Kramer” tions throughout the the filmmaker’s ex-wife, poster. While both are awards circuit later mother of his first child centered on the divorce this season. and former collaborator, of a married couple with Jennifer Jason Leigh. a 5-year-old son, each The character’s backmovie looks at the process from differstory has similarities to Leigh’s real-life ent angles. upbringing, but it also helps that JohansIf anything, “Marriage Story” calls son’s own history is a bit like Nicole’s. back to Baumbach’s own 2005 feature, “The Squid and the Whale”. The writer-director still has a bittersweet knack for building family stories on broken homes (no doubt influenced by Baumbach’s own parents’ divorce when he was in high school).

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From the outside, Nicole (Scarlett Johansson) and Charlie (Adam Driver) have seemingly perfect lives. They both have successful entertainment careers: Charlie, the best art house theatre director in NYC; Nicole, a Hollywood actress who switched to the stage upon marrying Charlie. They have a cute son, Henry (Azhy Robertson), and live in a nice, family-sized apartment. But Charlie has been sleeping on the couch at night, the couple is attending marriage counseling, and Nicole is considering signing up for a TV series as an excuse to spend six months in LA.

The family drama is a tour-de-force for both Driver and Johansson, who will most likely gain nominations throughout the awards circuit later this season. A particular stand out is a nearly 10-minute sequence of Charlie and Nicole just straight yelling at each other. The showbiz aspects of the story also reminds me of another – unfairly forgotten – divorce dramedy, “Irreconcilable Differences” from Charles Shyer and Nancy Meyers. As the most famous divorce movie, the “Kramer vs. Kramer” comparison is inevitable, but “Differences” makes more sense. At the end of the day, though, Marriage Story is Baumbach’s own tale. In “The Squid and the Whale,” we saw the deconstruction of a home through the eyes of a child in the middle of it. Now we see it as the father.

—— Megan Bianco

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[from the blog]

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What we were ... I’m a bisexual trans woman living in Europe. A couple of months ago, I began an amazing relationship with a woman who works as an escort. For a while, everything was as good as it gets, until I said something inconsiderate about her job and she took offense. We were having a conversation about “what we were” (girlfriends? lovers? partners?) and any rules we’d like the other to observe, and I said I’d rather not see her after she’d been with a client, I’d rather wait until the next day. She took this as me thinking her job was “dirty,” which was absolutely not my intention. I explained that I’d spent 10 years in open relationships and it was just a habit I was used to. (If you sleep with someone else, go home, take a shower, sleep off the emotions, see you tomorrow.) She said that her clients were not lovers, it’s completely different, and it would make seeing her complicated, as we work different hours. I immediately realized how she was right and said so. She was aloof for a few days afterward, and she eventually told me that she didn’t feel like she could be with someone who understood so little about her job. I pleaded with her to give me a second chance and told her that I’d never even met a sex worker before, so there was a learning curve for me, and she agreed that we could carry on seeing each other. But she remained distant, canceling plans and not replying, until she eventually told me that she was just too scared of getting hurt, because it’s happened so many times before. I was absolutely shattered. I spent the next few days drinking in bed and licking my wounds. I was falling in love with this woman, and I ruined it with my big mouth. After a couple of days, I started going about my life again. And soon enough, she started texting me, asking me how my day was, casual stuff, and it’s just really painful. I don’t know how to reply to her. If she has changed her mind, then I’ll date her again in a heartbeat, given

how freaking amazing she is. But if she’s just (kind of inconsiderately) making conversation, then I can see myself getting my heart broken all over again. I’m torn between asking her to stop texting me and carrying on with the casual texting to see if anything comes of it. Any advice? Tearful Escort’s Ex Getting Really Lonely If you two couldn’t handle a simple misunderstanding, TEEGRL, how are you going to resolve a serious conflict? Or forgive a profound betrayal? You know, the kind of shit people in LTRs do? Actually, I’m being unfair: You seem perfectly capable of handling this misunderstanding, TEEGRL, it was your ex-whatever-she-was (girlfriend? lover? partner?) who wasn’t able to handle it. But in fairness to her – I need to be fair to everybody – sex workers are often shamed by romantic partners who pretended, at the outset of the relationship, to be fine with their jobs. Your comment about not wanting to see her after she was with a client could reasonably be interpreted as whorephobic. But your explanation – it was a rule in all your past open relationships – was reasonable, and your ex-whatever-shewas, if she were a reasonable person, should have been able to see that. And perhaps she is reasonable, TEEGRL. Maybe she started texting you about casual stuff because she feels bad about pulling away and sees now that she overreacted. To determine whether that’s the case – and to determine whether she’s still open to dating you – you’ll have to risk asking the dreaded direct question: “Hey, it’s great to hear from you! I’d love to pick up where we left off, if you’re still interested. Are you? Please let me know!” —— Dan Savage

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IS UTAH’S UINTA BASIN CONNECTED TO

OTHER WORLDS?

»» Paranormal sightings abound at Skinwalker

Ranch – and millions have been spent studying them By Nick Gonzales DGO STAFF WRITER

yan Skinner was headed down I-70 near the Utah-Colorado border in 2006 when something weird happened. Skinner and his soon-to-be wife, Iryna, were making a long haul from Wisconsin to Las Vegas, and Iryna had taken the wheel, giving Skinner the chance to relax. There were no other vehicles on the road, but when they neared the town of Thompson Springs, Utah, Iryna began mentioning that there was something following the car that looked like a sparkler on fire. Skinner, in turn, asked her to pull over. “The last thing I’m thinking of at this time is UFOs or aliens,” he said. Skinner got out of the car to examine the source of the light, which he estimated to be about 20 feet behind the car and 7 feet in the air. He was frozen in place, staring at what he describes as a road flare hovering in the air. Iryna screamed, snapping Skinner out of the trance. The light had split into three individual lights, and all of them were approaching the couple.

Courtesy of Jeremy Corbell/Hunt for the Skinwalker

»» Filmmaker Jeremy Corbell stands in front of the Skinwalker Ranch near Roosevelt Utah. Since the 1990s, the ranch has been a hotspot for sightings of paranormal activity.

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Courtesy of Jeremy Corbell/Hunt for the Skinwalker

»» Jeremy Corbell stands in one of the abandoned buildings on Skinwalker Ranch. The ranch became a popular spot for close encounters after a family reported being plagued by paranormal activity in the mid-’90s.

high-powered rifle, but the attack barely phased the animal, which soon left of its own accord.

Skinner and Iryna switched seats and sped away. Skinner’s first instinct was to leave the area as fast as possible and get to Green River, but Iryna convinced him to stop and investigate. The three lights returned and became shadowy figures, alien and transparent, along the side of the road.

mal community. The old homestead that now bears a moniker based on shapeshifting creatures from Navajo legends is located southeast of Roosevelt in Uintah County, Utah.

“I’m just gobsmacked, confused, and in awe all at the same time,” Skinner said. “One of them starts moving or tilts its head and ... at the time, that was all I could possibly take.”

Everything just got weirder from there. Over the next two years, the Sherman family saw strange vehicles, includall at the same ing a few they assumed Chronicled later in time,” Skinner were lost RVs ... until the book “Hunt for the said. they lifted off and flew Skinwalker” by Colm into the sky. They expeKelleher and George rienced poltergeist-like Knapp, the Sherman behavior, in which items family’s woes began immediately after around the house or ranch would go they purchased the 480-acre homestead missing, only to reappear in strange in 1994. places, such as inside the microwave, As they were moving furniture days later. Window-like portals in the into their new home, Terry and Gwen sky opened up, showing views of the Sherman were approached by a wolf de- firmament from somewhere else. They scribed as being three times larger than would occasionally find their cattle any they had ever seen. The wolf moved mutilated, the soft flesh of the animals’ to the corral and attacked one of the eyes, ears, and genitals seemingly surSherman’s calves, and Terry shot it at gically and bloodlessly removed by an unseen force. close range with a handgun and then a

The couple took off and didn’t return, but the encounter stuck with Skinner. “The event left me so rattled and shook up and curious more than anything else, you know ... why this location?” he said. Skinner searched for stories of similar paranormal events and found out the encounter happened 30 miles south of a location called Skinwalker Ranch. The ranch Though relatively obscure in pop culture compared to sites like Roswell, New Mexico, or Area 51, Skinwalker Ranch is legendary within the paranor-

Terry tried to follow the tracks of the wolf – which left no trail of blood – but the tracks abruptly stopped in the middle of a nearby field. The wolf had vanished.

The hot spot of paranormal activity first attracted interest in 1996, when The Deseret News first reported on strange phenomena plaguing “I’m just gobthe Sherman family, smacked, conwho were owners of the fused, and in awe ranch at the time.

The Shermans were more than ready to leave in 1996, when they were approached by an eccentric billionaire who wanted to purchase the ranch. Discovery science In 1995, Robert Bigelow – then known mostly as the founder of the Budget Suites of America hotel chain – created the National Institute of Discovery Science, an organization with the primary goal of studying UFOs and other paranormal phenomena. After hearing about their strange encounters, Bigelow purchased the Shermans’ ranch and set up shop. Bigelow assembled a range of doctorate-level scientists and researchers, including Kelleher, a biochemist, to figure out what was going on at the ranch. The team tried to maintain the ranch as it was when the Shermans owned it, albeit as a living laboratory with extra equipment for observing and controlling what happened. And, at least anecdotally, the scientists got results. The researchers saw the same things the Shermans did, sometimes in conjunction with each other. Portals would open up, allowing alien vehicles or tall,

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shadowy, faceless humanoids to come through. Large, unexplainable beasts with glowing eyes would watch people from the trees ... and unseen forces continued to mutilate cattle. Save for footage of the dead animals, none of this seems to have been documented on film. In addition to moving items and even animals – one story reports three bulls being inexplicably teleported into a single, tight horse trailer – the poltergeists at the ranch destroyed scientific equipment and cameras with alarming consistency. Perhaps influenced by its inability to make progress in documenting paranormal phenomena, NIDS disbanded in 2004. But this wasn’t the end of research at the ranch. In 2017, the New York Times reported that, at the request of then-U.S. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, the Defense Department had spent $22 million on the Advanced Aerospace Threat Identification Program. The program, the purpose of which was to study reports of UFOs, began in 2007 and was run from the Pentagon, but most of the money went to Bigelow Aerospace, Robert Bigelow’s space technology company. According to Reid, officials from the Defense Intelligence Agency became interested in starting the program after visiting Bigelow’s Utah ranch.

Around 6 a.m. on a foggy Sunday in February, he was doing rounds when he noticed the televisions were losing their signal. Then, suddenly, the lights went off.

AATIP ended in 2012, but not before Reid had decided that the program had made enough discoveries that it required heightened security to protect it. Reid requested extra security, but his request was denied and eventually the program was broken up. Many of the professionals involved in AATIP joined the aerospace science division of “To the Stars... Academy,” a public-benefit corporation co-founded by Tom DeLonge, the guitarist of Blink-182. They still research reports of unidentified flying objects.

“Oh, man. The mothership is here,” he joked to the center’s other employees and clients. Everyone then saw red, blue, and green lights outside. Serawop assumed they were from a passing emergency vehicle and opened the door to investigate. He quickly discovered that the lights were originating not at ground level, but above the building he had just exited. He and a female client walked to a basketball court about 25 feet away from the building, looked up, and saw a craft.

Beyond the fenceline

“There was no noise. It was quiet and had lights coming off it, and they were flashing blue, red, green,” he said.

Whatever is going on at the former Sherman ranch, it isn’t limited to just that property. According to the Deseret News, high school science teacher-turned-paranormal investigator Joseph “Junior” Hicks investigated over 400 reports of UFOs in the Uinta Basin between the 1950s and ’90s. “I’d estimate over 10% of the population of the Uinta Basin has seen something,” he said. Fort Duchesne, a few miles northeast of the ranch, is the headquarters of the Northern Ute Tribe. In 2012, Corey Serawop was working as a house manager in an addiction treatment center on the reservation.

Courtesy of Jeremy Corbell/Hunt for the Skinwalker

»» Cattle mutilations are among the only strange phenomena actually recorded and documented in and around Skinwalker Ranch.

As he moved to get a better look, the light turned red and so bright he and the woman had to put up their hands to see. Serawop describes the craft as dark grey and about the size of a small plane, but enshrouded by a cloud that formed around it. “Hey, that’s a fucking UFO,” he remembers telling the woman. The experience excited him, he said. Something in his head told him that he shouldn’t be seeing this and he should go back inside, which he did. He told everyone in the building what he had seen and walked to the other side to

get another look at the UFO. The voice returned, though, and told him that he shouldn’t be doing this because he’d miss his family. Serawop is unsure whether it was his own thoughts or if something inside the craft was communicating with him via his mind. Whatever the case, Serawop was spooked and remained in the building with the doors locked. When he later went to record his rounds, he noticed that during what seemed like a few minutes he spent investigating the UFO, 30 to 45 minutes had vanished. The electric company said that the power loss was caused by a blown transformer, but Serawop talked to a lot of other people who lived in the area. Many of them saw not one, but two UFOs that morning, he said. One passed over Serawop’s uncle’s house, causing a vibration that made the people in the house feel ill. Serawop’s uncle described the craft as looking the same as the one Serawop saw, but with a crackling electricity at the center. Serawop said that sightings of strange lights are not uncommon on the reservation, and stories of unusual entities abound. He is a firm believer in ghosts and has seen glowing orbs around buildings. Others, he said, have seen tall, shadowy figures move through hallways. On one occasion, Serawop and his brother went to a local cemetery to

clean their family’s graves. They found what looked like a child’s footprints and as they followed them, the footprints transformed into canine paw prints before they disappeared entirely. The future of the ranch In 2016, Bigelow sold the ranch to a company called Adamantium Real Estate. The new owners are very private about who they are, but not so private that they wouldn’t allow filmmaker Jeremy Corbell to visit the ranch. His documentary about the visit, which also includes interviews with eyewitnesses and footage shot by George Knapp in the ’90s, is titled “Hunt for the Skinwalker,” and came out in 2018. While shooting at the ranch, Corbell did not see anything unusual himself, but a soft-spoken former military member of the ranch’s security staff told Corbell that he saw a seemingly sentient black mist follow the filmmaker through one of the buildings. Corbell said he tries to maintain a healthy level of skepticism about the unknown and as such, he finds the cattle mutilations to be some of the most intriguing reports from the ranch. Bigelow’s scientists actually had the chance to document and study the evidence in these cases, he said, and they were perplexed by the skills and tools needed to inflict the kind of damage they witnessed on the carcasses.

�� Thursday, December 5, 2019 | 15

Courtesy of Jeremy Corbell/Hunt for the Skinwalker

»» A bait pen and viewing platform built by the billionaire-funded National Institute of Discovery Science still stands on the Skinwalker Ranch property. Researchers attempted to capture evidence of paranormal phenomena using dogs and cameras.

“That has always felt to me like something I can sink my nuts and bolts kind of teeth into,” he says. Corbell’s documentary takes care not to reveal the current owners of Skinwalker Ranch or what they’re doing there. Ryan Skinner, who now operates SkinwalkerRanch.org, said he has also met the current owners and thinks their identity will be revealed soon. The History Channel is reportedly developing a non-fiction series to be filmed on the ranch. Obsession Skinwalker Ranch, and Uinta Basin as a whole, has developed a reputation in the ufology community. Once people experience something there, many return to learn more, even if their visits aren’t sanctioned by the owners of the ranch.

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Another witness to the strange events at the ranch, Ryan Burns, learned about the ranch in the mid’90s. He was living in Salt Lake City and working as a fly fishing guide.

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After his first encounter, Ryan Skinner visited the ranch to learn more about what he had seen on the highway, and his visits paid off. In one instance, he and several other visitors witnessed mysterious lights that they initially thought were those of tribal police cruisers, only to find there were no vehicles there to make them. On another, he watched a ball of light fall to the ground, transform into a black, smoky mist, and from that mist emerged a wolf.

While driving one day, he saw what he thought was a UFO near the ridgeline in the area behind the ranch. He then spotted an elderly Native American man shuffling down from atop the bluff and approaching the car. When the man reached the car, Burns rolled

down the window and asked him if he needed a ride somewhere. The man did not respond, but opened the door and climbed in. Burns does not remember anything after that. He was found by local authorities, catatonic and hanging out of – but still buckled into – his truck at Bottle Hollow reservoir, a body of water north of the ranch. After determining that he was neither drunk nor passed out, they told him that he’d “been nabbed by the skinwalker.” When interest in Skinwalker Ranch took off around 2005, Burns began to return to the site. He recently bought a small parcel of land in the basin that ufologists called the “southern vantage point,” a popular spot for watching for paranormal phenomena near the ranch. “It’s a magical place, and to not be able to visit it legally is difficult for somebody to wrap their head around if you’re really connected to the area,” he said. At the site, Burns and a group called Space Wolf Research investigate what they believe is an inter-dimensional landscape using game cameras and the like. They say they’ve witnessed objects, including a golf cart, being mysteriously relocated on the property and tall, shadowy people behaving like dogs or beasts. What’s actually going on in the Uinta Basin? It doesn’t seem like anybody knows for sure. Skinner and Burns both believe that solving its mysteries is key to our understanding of the universe. And at one point, the U.S. government thought there was something to be gained by investing millions of dollars in research stemming from the area, too. But whatever secrets it might hold, Skinwalker Ranch isn’t ready to give them up quite yet.

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[sound]

Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, Joywaves, and other concerts you should go to this month Santa came early this year. Well, not Santa, per se, but the music gods sure did, and they’re #blessing us with some killer concerts this December. Really now, we couldn’t have asked for a better holiday present.

SoDown; Animas City Theatre; 9:30 p.m.; $12

Meow Wolf; 9 p.m.; $19-$23

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So what’ll it be? The choice is yours. Choose your own adventure, er, concert if you will.

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A Drag Queen Christmas; Kiva Auditorium; 8 p.m.; $60+

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December 7 Bone Thugs-N-Harmony; Kiva Auditorium; 8 p.m.; $39+ Reckless Kelly; Sunshine Theater; 7 p.m.; $40+ December 8 Daughters, Health & Show Me The Body; Sunshine Theater; 8 p.m.; $54+

The White Buffalo; Animas City Theatre; 9 p.m.; $25-$30 Durango Choral Society - Viva Snow!; Community Concert Hall; 3 p.m.; $5+

Joywave; Guest act: Upsahl; Meow Wolf; 7 p.m.; $18-$22 December 6 The Floozies; Guest act: Mystic Grizzly; Meow Wolf; 8 p.m.; $21-$25 December 7 Desert Dwellers: Gem and Jam Pre-Party; Guest acts: Liquid Bloom, Treavor Moontribe, and Adem Joel;

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�� Thursday, December 5, 2019 | 17

[weed]

Juice Man, Prohibition’s new strain, will kick your little stoner ass

Details

D O M I N AT E D I G ITA L

Where to find Juice Man: Prohibition Herb, 1185 Camino del Rio, www.prohibitionherb.com Prohibition Herb keeps rolling out the new strains, and we get to keep trying them. No, this is not the worst job on Earth. As you may have guessed by my very short intro, this week we are reviewing a new strain from Prohibition called Juice Man. If you aren’t familiar with this strain, please allow me school you. So, Juice Man is an indica hybrid that’s a cross between the Fabuloso and Papaya strains, and it’s new on the floor at this dispensary.

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choked, second inhale I choked, and it stayed that way each time I took a hit until the bowl was cashed. This stuff is harsh, which I wasn’t expecting from a strain that smells like fruity candy, so take that as a fair warning if you’re also a pansy.

By the time the bowl was cashed, I was high as an actual kite. The funny thing was, though, that I was convinced that I WASN’T that high, so I wrote down that I was “middle ground stoned” and “halfway up the stairs to stoned tower.” I know that’s a damn lie, though, I grabbed a sample of Juice Man (which my brain keeps autocorrecting to because I specifically recall trying to type notes into my phone but being Jumpman; thanks Drake) on a random weeknight and hauled ass home to try it completely unable do it. My fingers out. I’m pretty sensitive to indicas – as in would. not. cooperate. I had to keep dethey usually cause major couch lock and leting and retyping the words to create sentences that made sense. uncooperative limbs – but the indicas Even stranger than being convinced Prohibition has rolled out recently have been great for my weak ass stoner mind, I was only “middle ground stoned” was the fact that although this is an indica so I was pretty excited to try this one. hybrid, it didn’t make me sleepy at first. The first thing I noticed when I The sativa properties kicked me into popped off the lid was that this strain smelled sweet and citrus-y, which makes fifth gear, and Juice Man had me sitting on the couch, awake and stoned ... but sense given its lineage. No skunk to be convinced I wasn’t that stoned. found in this one. The nugs were small and dense, and they lit up quite nicely. First inhale I

Continued on Page 23

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[weed]

Smoking Lemon Train Pho Wax gave us a lemon-scented burst of energy and we loved it The inside of the box that holds Craft’s Lemon Train Pho Wax has a tab that says “Happy dabbing!” and it’s so freaking fitting. If you dab this wax, which we’re reviewing for The Green House this week, you don’t have a choice but to be happy, cause it’s freaking rad.

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I’m getting ahead of Details myself, though. Let’s talk Where to find Craft Lemon Train Pho about what Lemon Train Wax: The Green House, 730 S. Camino del Rio, Pho Wax is first. So, Lemon thegreenhousecolorado.com/ Train Pho Wax is a strong Price: $20.75 a gram ass – we’re talking 73.41% THC – concentrate that’s basically all sativa. This when you should be winding down. strain is a cross between Lemon Diesel (Keep in mind that I did it to myself. and Trainwreck, and man, can you tell. Don’t let that turn you off of this wax.) It is very, very lemon-scented. I was ready to go, man.

I took a couple of good hits and the lemon burst gave way to another punch in the face, this time by the hyper stoned monster. Holy shit is this stuff racy. As soon as it hit me I was amped up and ready to go, despite the fact that it was like, 10 p.m. on a freaking weeknight. My eyes felt like they were being held up by toothpicks – they were dry, wide, and basically everything you don’t want them to be at a time

Season 5

Wednesday, Jan. 22: Comedians

I’ve reviewed Lemon Train flower before and loved it, but I hadn’t gotten my hands on the extract version until this week when our friends at the Green House handed the tiny little Craft box to me. What I found inside was an amped up version of the flower I loved ... and I do mean amped.

I was basically punched in the face (in a good way!) by the overpowering smell of lemons when I opened the tiny container that held the wax. And, as soon as I stuck my dab pen into the little puddle of concentrate, it unleashed the citrus beast. I could taste it. I could smell it. I was basically inhaling lemon juice. Hell yes.

Durango Diaries

I tackled EVERYTHING I’d been putting off for the last two months. I moved recently and have been living out of boxes, or HAD been, anyway, because Lemon Train gave me a lift to the land of productivity, and I unpacked those stupid boxes with the quickness. I didn’t just dump them on the floor out of frustration, either, which I’d been tempted to do every time I’d walked past them. Nope. I neatly took out the crap I’d half-assedly shoved into them and put it away where it’s supposed to go. On hangers, even! But I didn’t stop there. I also vacuumed, mopped, and dumped a bunch of questionable vegetables in the trash that had been hiding out in the fridge. Productivity doesn’t begin to describe Continued on Page 23

Wednesday, April 1: Urban legends Wednesday, April 22: TBD Wednesday, May 6: Inventors Storytelling sessions are held at the Durango Public Library

Durang

Diaries

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�� Thursday, December 5, 2019 | 19

DURANGO CARES

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�� Thursday, December 5, 2019 | 21

[love and sex]

Sex on the couch: What a sex coaching session is really like When I first began conceiving my business plan for Birds and Bees, I was focused on workshops because I love being in rooms with groups of people. It quickly became evident that my joy and ease with sex topics wasn’t always going to lead to rooms full of people. How was I going to meet the needs of individual clients, when I so often use group energy and lived experiences to provide education? I hemmed and hawed, resisted, and shrunk with self-doubt before embracing what is, truly, a valuable and fulfilling side of my business – coaching. Logistics: First this then that The first step is booking an appointment – consultation, individual session, or partners session – which can be done via my website. There’s a link at the top of the home page “Book a Consultation” which will take you to my booking calendar. Select the service you’d like and find a day and time that works for you. My office hours are dictated by my offspring’s school schedule so I’m regularly in the office from 9:30am to 2:30pm, Monday through Friday. If you need to meet outside of those hours, email me at info@positivesexed.com or call 970-3358036, I can accommodate evening and weekend appointments as needed. A consultation is 15 minutes to share the basics of who I am and my background and space for you to highlight your needs, hopes, and desires. We will outline what you want to work on first. The world is a beautifully diverse place and the people who sit on my couch are there for their own unique reasons. This is why I offer individual sessions, a safe space for folks to share, process, explore, and parse any areas of sexuality they want to focus on. When you schedule a private session online, payment is required at time of booking. I ask that you please reschedule or cancel at least 2 hours before the beginning of your appointment or you may be charged a cancellation fee, 20% of the total cost. You can read more about specific services on the website and I’m happy to answer any clarifying questions before you make an appointment. At your first full appointment, you will be asked to sign a coaching agreement that outlines fees, confidentiality,

scheduling and cancellation policies, my availability, and the difference between a coach and a therapist. In order for us to work together as coach and client, you will be required to sign this form. That’s it for logistics! The Couch: What happens in a sex coaching session? The paperwork is signed, you’ve paid – now what? We talk about you! We talk about sex. We talk about habits. We talk about self-pleasure. We make plans and we debunk myths, misinformation, and the damage of keeping sex a secret. We may talk about bodies, body parts, functions, health, or spend time learning the names of sexual anatomy. For some folks they sit on my couch with a very specific goal in mind and we work towards that goal in one or many sessions. Other clients don’t fully know why they are on my couch so we pull on thoughts, habits, experiences – like pulling on the string of an unraveling sweater – exploring where these take us. And still others are there to say all the sex related words, needs, fantasies, and stories they don’t feel safe to share anywhere else in their lives. My role in the room is to listen. Correct myths when I hear them. Assign homework as needed. And most importantly I create and hold a safe space for clients to explore sex and their relationship to it. Does this sound general and vague? That’s because there is nothing formulaic about visiting my couch as a client. Sessions are guided by what you need and the questions you have. Much like my workshops, I would rather guide the conversation and have participants learn collectively (peer-to-peer learning) instead of me talking at you. When you see me for a private session, the focus is fully on you and my role is to nudge you, make slight corrections, and help you explore sexuality. This is how I see the difference between coaching and therapy. Coaching is about building your skills with someone who has specific knowledge and who is also your biggest fan, cheering you on as you do the work yourself.

Therapy is similar but your therapist is doing the work until you can take on more for yourself. (Obviously, a very simplified distillation of the two roles!) I do not hesitate to refer clients to a therapist, if what I offer isn’t helping or the work is beyond my abilities. It is not surprising to me that I am seeing folks on my couch who have trauma in their histories and how that affects their sexual lives. It is common for a client to be seeing me in conjunction with their therapist. It is my knowledge and skills surrounding sexuality that make collaborations like this valuable. Not all sexologists are therapists and not all therapists are sexologists. Beyond the Couch: What kind of homework? After every session I send you an email with the highlights of what you want to work on. This will include action items or homework that I think will help you in achieving your goals. You can opt out of this part of the service, if you’d prefer not to receive an email and we’ll spend the final 5 minutes of the session going over your homework. Homework assignments are very often connected to changing habits, which makes this the most formulaic aspect of a coaching session. Communication about sex has been silenced by cultural norms, societal expectations, and systems of oppression. One of the first habits I work with clients on is breaking

the silence. How that works is client-specific and all depends on you! Other habits include self-pleasure (not just physical), exploration (readings and physical acts), and the undoing of misinformation through learning and communication. If you are intrigued, book a consultation! My goal is to help you enhance your sexual experiences and we start where you want to because I have no expectations of where you should be. You are invited to drop by the office* this Friday, December 6th starting at 5 p.m. It’s Noel Night in Durango and I’m having an office party to celebrate! I’ll have a limited number of goodie bags with coupons for private sessions and some fun sexy extras for the first folks through the door. Don’t miss an opportunity to meet the voice behind this column! *Birds and Bees is located in Suite 204 at 842 ½ Main Avenue in Durango - the wood door just south of Beads and Beyond. Come up the stairs and the office is down the hall, last door on the right. Erin Brandt (she/her/hers) has been a sexologist for 15 years. When she’s not spreading sexual knowledge, Erin can be found learning from her child, hiking with her partner, cuddling with her pitbull, knitting with her cat, dancing with friends, and searching for the nearest hammock and ocean breeze. Want more? Visit www.positivesexed.com

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Horoscope ARIES (March 21 to April 19) Make a note that this is a poor day to shop or make important decisions. It’s OK to spend on food, gas and entertainment (tickets to movies or games). That’s it. TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) You will prefer being low-key today. Take a day off. Hide somewhere so you can relax and take a breather, because you deserve it. Don’t work; don’t shop. Although this is a poor day to shop or make important decisions, it’s a great day to schmooze with friends and groups. People will be ready to share ideas. CANCER (June 21 to July 22) It’s good to know that you are more high-viz than usual today, which means From Page 18

Oh, and because I thought I wasn’t that stoned, I decided it was a good idea to be super chatty to anyone who would listen. I have no idea what I was rambling on about, but at some point I texted a friend and said, “Hey, some dude tried to bring you a meme at work today but you weren’t there and it was sad.” What that means, I don’t know, but it was said and now it’s out there in the world. Yolo or something. And, after I talked the literal ears off anyone who would listen, I did what I always do with indicas and passed the hell out. I woke up at some point and ate a bunch of freaking cream puffs that were leftover from Thanksgiving, but I was definitely in a serious weed daze when I did it. I passed back out right after, by the way, and slept til my alarm went off the next morning. The sleep force is strong with Juice Man. It was a fun ride, Juice Man, between the burst of energy, passing out, and the mid-sleep munchies, so I guess I can forgive it of its choking sins. If you’re looking for a strain that will make you talk nonsense, text people weird things, and then pass out, Juice Man is for you. I highly recommend it. —— DGO Pufnstuf

LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22) Let go of your routine activities today. Don’t be predictable. Instead, do something completely different, even if it’s a minor thing. Be a tourist in your own town. VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22) Today you might be focused on financial matters, inheritances, insurance issues and shared property. However, it’s a poor day to make important decisions. LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) A conversation with a close friend or partner will be meaningful to you today because both parties will be disarmingly honest and candid. Enjoy this opportunity to share.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) Although you might want to do something to get better organized, lower your sights and let yourself off the hook. Today is a bit disorganized. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) This is a wonderful day to schmooze and socialize. It’s a great day to have fun, especially with kids. Enjoy the arts, sports events and fun times! CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) Today you will enjoy the chance to cocoon at home and relax. You need to catch your breath and take a break. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18) You might be full of creative ideas today, which is good news for those in the arts, because you can think outside the box.

Nevertheless, wait until tomorrow to make an important decision. PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) You have money on your mind today, which is why it’s important to know that this is a poor day to spend money on anything other than food, gas and entertainment. Forewarned is forearmed. BORN THIS WEEK You are confident, passionate, reliable and practical. People admire your sincerity and respect for fair play. You are also warm and generous. This year you’re wrapping up many things you began nine years ago by letting go of what is no longer relevant and moving on to something new and different. You are lightening your load to get ready for new beginnings! (c) 2019 King Features Syndicate, Inc.

Bizarro

GEMINI (May 21 to June 20)

not only do others notice you, bosses and the police notice you as well. Be aware of this in case it matters.

From Page 19

it. I was a freakin’ ma-

chine, man. There was one slip-up, though, as is usually the case after I ingest or smoke anything with THC in it. So, in my haste, a friend texted me to ask how things were going, and I texted them back, fingers whirring on the stupid iPhone screen, and said things were fine and asked them how their day was in return. Only I didn’t actually type day. My stupid keyboard autocorrected day to fat, so my text read, and I quote, “How’s your fat going?” Yes, it was a woman on the other end. No, I am not proud of my actions. Blame it on the Lemon Train energy boost. Even worse is that I didn’t notice until she replied with, “Still fat,” much to my confusion. Next time I smoke a little Lemon Train I’ll actually read what I’m texting before sending it. So, yeah. Lemon Train Pho Wax sent me on a journey to unbox all my shit at an hour near midnight and I accidentally asked a friend how their fat was. All in all, I’d call that a good run. —— DGO Pufnstuf

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COUNTRY COUNTDOWN TO 2020

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