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May 7, 2020 Vol. XIX, No. 16

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inside

T H E

O R I G I N A L

I N D I E

W E E K L Y

L I N E

O N

D U R A N G O

&

B E Y O N D

Open season

Turnin & burnin

Pesto for Prine

Farmers Market returns, with a few change-ups p8

3 early-summer sizzlers to keep you homebound and happy p9

A tribute that even the meat-&potatoes crowd will love p10

Like a virtual road trip.

Issue 12 is now out!

Wherever you find the Telegraph or at www.gulchmag.com.

To find out about advertising opportunities, email: steve@gulchmag.com

2 n May 7, 2020

telegraph

lineup

boilerplate

4 La Vida Local

A timely find

Thrift store adventures with Nostradamus

4 Thumbin’ It

by David Feela

8

5 Word on the Street 6-7 Soapbox

Let it grow

The Durango Farmers Market ushers in a new season in the new normal

9

8 Local News 10 Flash in the Pan

Turnin & burnin

Three early-summer sizzlers guaranteed to make quarantine fly by

by Jeffrey Mannix

10

14 Free Will Astrology

A backyard pesto tribute to the late, great John Prine

15 Classifieds

by Ari LeVaux

12

15 Haiku Movie Review

Hedging our bets

On the cover: Poppies return on the Durango scene right on cue this week, signaling hope that yes, life will go on./ Photo by Stephen Eginoire

The quarantine activity page is back with hedgehog races and more safer-at-home ’dos

STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER: Stephen Eginoire steve@gulchmag.com

T

he Durango Telegraph publishes every Thursday, come hell, high water, beckoning singletrack or monster powder days. We are wholly owned and operated independently by the Durango Telegraph LLC and

11 Ask Rachel 12-13 Activities Pages

In the weeds

ADVERTISING AFICIONADO: Lainie Maxson (lainie@durangotelegraph.com)

Ready to roll

If you’ve gotten skunked out of Mountainfilm every year, now may be your chance – all without the spendy condo rental. The annual festival of all things adventure is going virtual this year. Sure attendees won’t be able to rub elbows with their outdoor heroes – but then again, they won’t have to rub elbows with anyone else, either.

6 ReTooned

by Missy Votel

EDITORIALISTA: Missy Votel (missy@durangotelegraph.com)

Ear to the ground:

“Pro tip: When running, don’t burp in your facemask.”

– Local runner’s advice on exercising in the pandemic

thepole

4

RegularOccurrences

STAR-STUDDED CAST: Lainie Maxson, Sarah Rankin, Clint Reid, Jesse Anderson, Ari LeVaux, Zach Hively and Shan Wells

REAL WORLD ADDRESS: 679 E. 2nd Ave., Ste E2 Durango, CO 81301 PHONE: 970-259-0133

MAILING ADDRESS: P.O. Box 332 Durango, CO 81302

E-MAIL: telegraph@durangotelegraph.com

VIRTUAL ADDRESS: www.durangotelegraph.com

MAIL DELIVERY AND SUBSCRIPTIONS: $3.50/issue, $150/year

distributed in the finest and most discerning locations throughout the greater Durango area.

We’re only human. If, by chance, we defame someone’s good name or that of their family, neighbor, best

friend or dog, we will accept full responsibility in a public flogging in the following week’s issue.

Although “free but not easy,” we can be plied with schwag, booze and flattery.

telegraph

A scene from”Lhotse” Typically taking place over the Memorial Day weekend, this year’s festival will span 10 days, May 15–25. Patrons can hunker down with a “Bivvy” pass for $75, which gives them full access to more than 100 films, a symposium and additional presentations. If $75 is too steep for the pandemic family finances, viewers can also buy individual films, shorts programs or presentations for $10 each.

“We’re psyched for the chance to bring great programming to people who’ve been curious about Mountainfilm for all these years, but have never been able to come,” Mountainfilm Festival Director Suzan Beraza said.

According to Beraza, the virtual format allows Mountainfilm to be more accessible to a wider audience, bringing adventure films and inspiring documentaries from around the globe directly to people’s homes. This year’s highlights include “Personhood,” a film about fetal rights and “Public Trust,” a film by a former Telluride local that looks at the loss of public lands. The festival has made an effort, in light of current events, to bring uplifting and lighthearted films as well, Beraza said.

And, of course, for the true binge-watcher, there will be full-length features. This year’s lineup contains more than 25, including “By Hand,” a documentary following the paddling journey of two brothers from Alaska to Mexico, and “Big Fur,” about a devotee of Bigfoot. And for those with a little less time on their hands, the festival offers a bevy of shorts like “Concepción,” on climber Hazel Findlay's attempt at a 70meter splitter crack route outside Moab, and “Huntsville Station,” which depicts the realities of inmates just released from prison.

Complementing the films is a symposium and presentations featuring directors and other luminaries, including: Director Louie Psihoyos; Sea Shepherd Captain Paul Watson; youth activists Jamie Margolin and Jonah Gottlieb; and former White House Chief of Staff Jack Watson.

“We’re really excited about this year’s symposium and presentations, plus we’re going to have meet-the-author events, Q&As and filmmaker workshops that will showcase what Mountainfilm does best – bringing connection and conversation to our greater community,” said Beraza.

For more info., go to www.mountainfilm.org.

May 7, 2020 n

3

opinion

LaVidaLocal Curves and mitigation The idea of having a window into the next 50 years sounded sort of visionary.

Don’t we all yearn for a closer look into the future?

I called the masked volunteer over to the display case and asked if she would show me the calendar. She scrutinized the glass shelves, then glanced up and scrutinized me.

“Did I hear you right?” she asked. “I don’t see any calendar.”

“Actually,” I said, “it’s not a paper calendar. There, on the middle shelf, that strange stainless steel disc bearing a remarkable resemblance to the top tier of the Starship Enterprise. The little box next to it advertises it as a calendar.” I pointed at it. Her expression broadened into a smile of recognition. “I’m just curious to see if it works like a crystal ball and what it might reveal about our future.”

“Oh, I see,” she said. Now that we were on the same metaphorical highway traveling in the same direction, she lifted the object and its empty cardboard container to the counter, then stepped ever so slightly back, as if shielding herself from it, or possibly from me.

At the center of the device, within the confines of a tiny circle, gracefully etched letters and numbers displayed these words: FOR 50 YRS 2018-2067.

A rather uninspired prophecy revealed itself to me. On the last day of 2066, I’d be 113 years old. Anyone could accurately envision where I’d be spending that New Year’s Eve, which in case anyone’s wondering happens to fall on a Friday. There. Something I didn’t know. I also speculated that much of the world’s work force, released from quarantine, would be enjoying a long holiday weekend. A few more revelations and I might be regarded as a soothsayer.

I bought the calendar, if for no other reason than the prospect of simply touching the next 50 years. It would feel like owning a time machine.

Then I thought about our most famous prognosticator, Nostradoomus. Nobody could accuse him of having a cheerful disposition. His predictions read like a sustained nightmare. Take a peek into his prophecy for our 2020 political world: “In the city of God, there will be a great thunder.

Two brothers are torn apart by Chaos, while the fortress endures.

The great leader will succumb.

The third big war will begin when the big city is burning.”

It’s more than a stretch to expect anything reassuring would come from such a disclosure, but I reasoned “the fortress endures” sounded like a shred of good news.

I won’t go on to repeat his other dreadful predictions involving a plague-like epidemic, an impending financial crisis, or any number of climate-related disasters, but as I studied the Nostradamus legacy, I spotted a glimmer of hope, a poetic reason for feeling less depressed. You see, all his predictions were written in rhyming quatrains. What if I set one of my own to a hip-hop beat? Might people of the future cringe less when they speculate about their destiny?

“As the midnight hand spasms on the brink of 12 clicks in a distant decade of twenty-sixty-six, a young accountant will suddenly remember it’s time to update his great-grandpa’s calendar.”

Readers may have difficulty hearing the music, but the rhythm soothes.

While it is encouraging to know I’ll never need to buy another calendar to keep track of my days, it’s also irresistible, with so many future months held open, to get hung up on what might happen instead of focusing on what is happening? I don’t expect to live forever, but how counterproductive that Nostradamus never appeared to have a good night’s sleep. Just look what he left for us: a divination of doom nearly 500 years after his death to infect our expectations. For that, he should be dubbed “the coronavirus of prophets.”

By way of full disclosure, my new calendar is not a crystal ball. It’s just an object, about 3 inches in diameter and a half inch thick. My days have never fit so neatly into the palm of my hand. The brushed stainless steel surface gleams on my desktop each morning when sunlight filters through the window, so I pretend the instrument is occasionally solar powered, though it contains no electronics. Just manually rotate the top disc with my finger and align the current month with its corresponding year. It’s a delicate operation, one that can inadvertently add 20 years if I bump the device while getting my desktop organized, or if I’m lucky, nudge it in the other direction so it makes me a little younger. That’s the thing about the future, it’s touchy.

I can’t scribble on it or hang it from a wall, but weighing in at 5.5 ounces it works as predictably as a small rock by preventing my papers from flying around the room if I open the window. That’s the kind of prophecy I can use.

Sign of the Downfall:

Thumbin’It Cedar Diagnostics stepping up to the plate to provide widespread and affordable COVID-19 tests as well as antibody tests to help get a better grasp on local infection rates

Predictions that this season’s spring runoff on the Animas will be far below normal, thanks to a dry fall and winter, and a parched landscape

The outpouring of donations to the Community Emergency Relief Fund as well as a matching grant from the Community Foundation Serving SW Colorado giving more than $100,000 in relief to human services nonprofits across the region that help vulnerable populations

Mother nature adding insult to injury, with late freezes damaging the West Slope peach crop and an early start to the fire season in drought-stricken La Plata County

The Durango Farmer’s Market opening this weekend, with safety precautions in place, offering locals access to fresh, local produce and helping to keep local farmers afloat in uncertain times

4 n May 7, 2020

– David Feela

Yet another casualty of the coronavirus pandemic, with a new report finding a sharp increase in food insecurity in the United States, with one in nearly five young children not getting enough to eat, according to the Brookings Institution

telegraph

Keeping butt with the Kardashians

Please, please, please go to seethebum.com: it’s a site ran by two hyper-pretentious “New York-based Swedish/Finish conceptual artists,” Ida and Simone (who like italicizing the first letter of every word). Their page allows you to download the schematics for Kim Kardashian’s butt so you can 3-D print your own copy, and for an undisclosed fee, they’ll even render you a wearable model made from silicone. Fun fact: on a regular computer monitor, the “1:1” ratio you see on the home page means the butt in front of your face is actual size.

Q

WordontheCouch With places beginning to re-open after weeks of quarantine, the Telegraph asked, “What’s the first thing you’re going to do once restrictions are lifted?”

Jonathan

"Make a toilet paper fort, soak it with hand sanitizer & watch it burn."

Alex

"I’m going to College Drive Cafe to get a bennie before I imagine the ensuing debauchery."

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Nicole

“Go to my best friend’s house for mango cocktails.”

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Kelsey

"See friends on a limited basis while still nervous for round two."

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Brian

“Take a motorcycle ride with my pals.”

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Durango Trash

May 7, 2020 n 5

SoapBox Not socialism when Trump does it To the editor, I’m happy to find a copy of the Telegraph each week. I take note of the businesses that are still advertising. We should support them however we can. Advertising is what keeps newspapers afloat, including those that sell subscriptions. That’s why more and more communities are becoming local news deserts. Do you have any idea what your school or town board is up to? Or the county commissioners? No? They might be doing something that affects you.

In this difficult time, I also give thanks to all those low-wage workers with few benefits who are all of a sudden deemed essential. Some of them need social safety net programs like SNAP and Medicaid to get by.

Maybe Republicans will stop trying to re-brand these programs as “welfare,” implying handouts to undeserving deadbeats, and stop imposing gotcha reporting conditions intended to get people off these programs no matter their need.

It’s interesting that Donald Trump, in his efforts to kill the Affordable Care Act, is proposing instead direct federal payments to hospitals to treat uninsured COVID patients. Sounds like single payer. And that $2 trillion CARES bill includes some amount of income replacement payments to Americans. Sort of like guaranteed basic income. If the Republicans do it, does that mean it’s not socialism? Whatever. People need it now, and it’s a good thing.

Not so good is Trump’s blame shifting to the World Health Organization after he poo-poo’d the pandemic threat in January, because America is special. Now we’re special in having the highest number in the world of COVID cases and deaths. So now Trump claims that no one could have foreseen this pandemic and all its impacts.4

ReTooned/by Shan Wells

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National Public Radio has cited a 2017 Defense Department report and a 2019 FEMA disaster scenario with predictions that were spot on.

Trump insists the federal response has been awesome and governors should stop whining. But on the front lines, it looks more like every man, woman and state for themselves.

Even some Republicans seem to be getting tired of Trump using those national COVID task force news conferences to get his daily fix of media attention to spout bad info that the health experts have to refute very diplomatically. Given that we might still be dealing with COVID a year from now, we can only hope that Joe Biden will be in charge.

– Carole McWilliams, Bayfield

Replace polls with mail-in ballots To the editor, Voting by mail should replace voting at the polls in its entirety. The two institutions that can definitely be trusted are the County Board of Elections and the United States Postal Service. The money saved by eliminating the need for poll workers could be used to offer free postage on the envelopes used to vote by mail. The person voting would also have more time to consider what they are voting for and would not be confined to the hours of the polling place. It would also prevent unwanted entry to schools and churches from anyone trying to harm someone. In addition, the voter would not be harassed by someone trying to place unsolicited campaign literature into their hand.

The additional revenue would boost the Postal Service and perhaps keep it afloat until we as a country are able to vote online. Voting by mail would solve the registered voter problem and guarantee safe passage of the ballots to the County Board of Elections.

– Joe Bialek, via e-mail

While I know times are challenging and things seem uncertain, we will get through this together with strength and dignity.

Durango is strong, and we will come out the other side of this a better and even stronger community by working together in this time of transition.

Insurance profits off pandemic To the editor, At the exact time that people need health care the most – during a global pandemic – millions are not only losing their paychecks, but their health insurance. This is a result of our employer-based health care system.

Even those who are still employed may see their coverage downgraded as their employers rush to cut costs. At the same time, a new analysis estimates that premiums for those with insurance could jump 40 percent next year.

While doctors are risking their lives, tens of thousands of people have died and millions lost their coverage. The largest health insurance provider in the United States experienced a $4.1 billion increase in revenue over the last three months. They are not only thriving during a pandemic, but using their profits not to lower co-pays but to buy back their own stock.

This crisis is exposing some of the fundamental flaws in our health-care system. From a patchwork system of unpredictable employer-health insurance to the relentless pursuit of profits.

History shows that big societal changes often happen during a crisis. In the face of COVID-19, national support for Medicare for All is growing in popularity.

We need to urgently transition from an antiquated employer-based health system to expanded and improved Medicare for All. This crisis has shown that we are at our best when we take care of each other. This is the America we need. It’s time to demand Medicare for All, a system that meets needs rather than seeks profits.

– Jan Phillips, Durango

Pulling off the hypocrisy mask To the editor, I don’t understand it. I watch my neighbors step outside at 8 p.m. every night and howl to show their ap-

preciation for first responders, healthcare and essential workers. But their daily activities over the last few weeks are in sharp contrast to their facade of concern.

Several neighbors held parties in their backyards without limiting the number of people they entertained, or observing social distancing. Other neighbors had family visiting them from out of state, yet still went to work alongside fellow employees. Others showed up at their vacation homes, boasting they were able to sneak out from their quarantined towns. Neighbors who regularly let their children have play dates with friends, sharing toys and not wearing masks. Those who recently congregated by the dozens on a small strip of beach across from DHS. Is it selfishness? An expectation of privilege? An assumption of invincibility since they don’t fall into the “at-risk” category or because positive cases in La Plata County have remained relatively low? Is it sheer stupidity? Maybe it’s all of the above, but hypocritical comes to mind as well. Most Durangoans have been vigilant in their actions to keep COVID-19 at bay, but many continue to put others at risk. Before heading out at 8 p.m. each night, ask yourself if your applause for those who daily put their lives at risk is sincere. If not, then I suggest looking inward and deciding how you want to proceed to help all of us get through this crisis safely.

– T. Kramok, Durango

More quarantine haikus Thanks to local pubs.

They serve us food although closed.

Don’t forget BIG tips!

Some wear them, some don’t.

Masks are for all, not just some!

Protect all our lives.

– John Egan, Durango

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May 7, 2020 n 7

LocalNews

Yes! The Farmers Market is opening (And no – you probably shouldn’t hang out there all day or touch everything)

by Missy Votel

I

t may be hard to imagine, but while us humans are shuttered away in our houses, or hiding behind facemasks and Zoom meetings, the natural world is going on without us.

“Plants are popping, birds are singing and baby animals are being born on farms,” Durango Farmers Market Manager Melanie McKinney-Gonzales said Tuesday. “Spring is happening.”

And so is the Durango Farmers Market, which will be entering its 24th season starting Sat., May 9.

“Farmers have been growing crops and are ready to feed our community,” said McKinney-Gonzales, adding that so far, it’s been a good start to the growing season. “I’ve been seeing pictures of strawberry blossoms and huge heads of lettuce, things are looking good. We got it going on.”

JusttheFacts

What: The Durango Farmers Market’s 24th season When: 8 a.m. – 12 noon, Saturdays starting May 9 Where: TBK Bank parking lot, please enter on the 8th Street (south) side by the Transit Center.

She said there will be about 25 vendors for the first market, but she expects the number of stalls to ramp up to about 40 by the end of the month. But one thing she cautions about ramping up is the neighborly socializing and leisurely lollygagging that’s long been a hallmark of the market – at least for now. Like every other facet of our daily Durango lives, the market will be back, but with measures reflecting the new reality of a re-emerging society.

“The message we really are trying to send is that the Farmers Market is not a community gathering this year, but more of an outdoor, open-air grocery store,” said McKinney-Gonzales. “The first market will be really spread out.

Hopefully that will help people feel safer knowing it’s not going to be crowded on the first day.”

To that end, all vendors will be wearing masks for the month of May (and possibly beyond), and shoppers are asked to please not squeeze the broccoli and let the farmers handle the produce. In addition, the northern entrances (on 9th Street) to the market will be roped off and folks are asked to enter on the 8th Street side, by the Transit Center.

There will be three entrances here, each equipped with

Shoppers peruse the veggies at a past Durango Farmers Market. Much to the relief of fresh produce-starved locals, the market will be opening this week. But, possibly to the dismay of interaction-starved locals, shoppers are not encouraged to turn it into a social event – at least not for now./File photo hand-washing/sanitizing stations and facemasks for those who forgot theirs or decide they need one.

“Were not requiring people to wear facemasks, but we are encouraging and suggesting it,” said McKinney-Gonzales.

Also, if things start to get too rowdy, market volunteers will regulate how many people can enter at a time. And to help with the temptation to dilly-dally, the market will not be offering live music as has been the custom in the past, and prepared food will be available to-go only.

“We ask for the community’s participation to keep our venue a safe place by not gathering, lingering or socializing at the market for the time being,” she said. “We are all in this together and want to do our best to serve you in a

healthy way.”

But this doesn’t mean no fun will be allowed whatsoever. For this Saturday’s market, in honor of Mother’s Day, the first 50 moms to swing by the market info booth will get a free tomato plant or flower start.

McKinney-Gonzales said she hopes later in the summer the market will also be offering soaps, tinctures, salves and natural cleaning supplies. But for now, she said the plan calls for just keeping things rooted, if you will.

“Our plan is to go nice and slow and keep it to food and keep our feet under us,” she said.

For more info. on the Durango Farmers Market go to: www.dur angofarmersmarket.com or check them out on Facebook. n

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telegraph

MurderInk

Three reasons to stay home and read

by Jeffrey Mannix

W

e have not one, but three books today to keep your “safer-at-home” order anything but boring or depressing. For readers, the order to stay at home has been a gift in the face of fear and an uncertain future. We can’t change what is, and we can’t predict where this is going or when life will get back to destroying civilization by other means. So, “Murder Ink” is in the essential business of transporting your thoughts to dangers far more ordered and unambiguous.

Summer of Reckoning by Marion Brunet, translated from French radiantly by Katherine Gregor and published by Bitter Lemon Press in London, is a stunning antiheroic noir account of a summer in the lives of two teen-age sisters. Each a year apart, they live in a village of laborers in service to wealthy vacationers of a famous and fashionable resort getaway. Céline is 16 on a rush to 21, while Jo is the younger, albeit more authentic and mature sister. Both are strictly and poorly parented by Manuel, grandson of Spanish immigrants, who hides in alcoholism the distain he has for his in-laws who provide the necessities he can’t earn as a construction laborer. Severine is the wife and mother whose adolescence

was destroyed by one night of improvidence that brought a lifetime of Manuel and anger, along with Céline.

The beauty of Summer of Reckoning is the superb painting of the lives of this family and the brinksmanship of hardscrabble underclass teen-age girls influenced by the immoderation of the affluent.

During that summer of reckoning, Céline shows up pregnant and refuses to reveal the name of the father. Manuel immediately suspects Saïd, a classmate and loyal friend of Jo’s from a respectable Arab family. One night Manuel and sidekick Patrick, furious with drink and racism and a lifetime of failures, waylay Saïd to teach him a lesson he needn’t learn and won’t remember.

Brunet calls it a story of “people at sea, on a boat punctured just above the waterline, never far from a shipwreck.” It is a dark, brightly written masterpiece of a reasonable 200 pages at the price of lunch you’re not having in town these days. Ask for your 15 percent “Murder Ink” discount at Maria’s Bookshop, & the cost goes down to the price of toilet paper you can’t buy anyway.

To ramp up the tempo and get down to pavement level in South Los Angeles, These Women by Ivy Pochoda, from the Ecco imprint of HarperCollins, is brilliantly invasive of the streetwalkers life and a perfervid serial killer. Pochoda must have done a stint in a sanitarium after her bloody fingers typed the final words of this book – it is a piece of work! (And I don’t ever use exclamation marks). It’s a good bet that

telegraph

we’ve never been this close to women who peddle their bodies on the street to bonafide and dangerous creeps leering from car windows. That we’ve ever been so close to practically smell the lit cigarettes, hours-old cheap perfume or residuum male body odor. In These Women, we get that close to a half dozen lamppost Venuses, with gripes and scars and disfigurements, and strength and savvy and children they raise well, and hate for their fate.

These Women is a venture you shouldn’t miss. It’s mesmerizing, and Pochoda will likely add to her Strand Critics Award and advance once again in the Los Angeles Times Book Prize finals.

Last, but in no sense least, we have a high-five for The Last Hunt, by talented South African mystery writer Deon Meyer, released a month ago by Grove Atlantic.

The Last Hunt is an unfortunate title for this curious murder of one ex-cop, Johnson Johnson, who was seeing to the safety of an elderly Dutch tourist on a three-day luxury train ride from Cape Town to Pretoria. Meyer’s iconic South African Police Service’s elite detectives Benny Griessel & Vaughn Cupido are assigned the case. Already working on intel that the president of the country was being targeted for assassination in Paris the coming week, the two reluctantly take on the rail case at the same time. But the two cases coincide in an elegant treatment of luck & corruption.

Reading fiction from other countries in translation is an experience within an experience, and The Last Hunt, in addition to being a first-rate detective procedural with threedimensional characters & taut suspense, brings us into the milieu of ancient tensions still bubbling up from the African continent. If you like a page burner, The Last Hunt is what you need to keep your social distancing parochial. n

May 7, 2020 n

9

FlashinthePan

Pesto for Prine

by Ari LeVaux “I think I write the way I do because of a vitamin deficiency. I don’t eat any vegetables. I just eat meat and potatoes. I think I’m trying to make up in my songwriting what I lack in vitamins.” – John Prine f he didn’t already know what a spring tonic was, John Prine was the kind of person who would have been disappointed to learn it isn’t an alcoholic drink. But I bet he knew. With roots in Western Kentucky, he was country to the bone.

A spring tonic is a mix of wild plants traditionally gathered at the end of winter in rural parts of America. Back in the day, folks survived winter on something of a John Prine diet of rations that had dwindled to the likes of flour, bacon, potatoes and sugar. After months indoors on a white, greasy diet, the first hunt of the year for green, vitamin-rich plants was an awakening for the mind, body and belly.

I don’t know that John Prine went foraging for wild plants in his spare time, but even if he didn’t long for chlorophyll, he acknowledged vegetables as a path to salvation. His advice to “plant a little garden, eat a lot of peaches and try to find Jesus on your own” remains a three-line anthem to generations of back-to-the-landers, hippy and redneck alike.

Here in our first post-Prine spring, we are largely stuck at home, or close to it, and there may not be a better time to forage the neighborhood for your own local spring tonic. I’m going to tell you how to serve it in the form of a gathered plant pesto. If you told him it was weed pesto, as I call it, the man with the twinkle in his songs might have used it.

Every region will have its own list of edible, nutritious, ideally palatable spring greens. And there are some plants that are available nearly everywhere, like dandelion, lambsquarters, chickweed, purslane, dock, sorrel, cattails, nettles, watercress, asparagus and fiddlehead ferns. Even Johnny jump ups, also called violas, are edible, with a fresh, minty taste. Each of these plants will have its own specifics for harvesting and cooking. Nettles, which have a fragrant, almost fishy taste, require scissors, a bag and perhaps gloves, and should always be eaten cooked or blended unless you have the tongue of a bear. Dandelions, which are as bitter as a good IPA beer, can be eaten raw or cooked; every single inch, from root to flower. Ditto for chickweed, which tastes

I

a bit like parsley and licorice.

Many of the same principles for collecting wild plants also apply in your back yard. And some plants like dandelions are literally found everywhere, from lawn to field to forest. Every would-be forager must assess the grounds at their disposal and strategize accordingly.

The mentality involved in foraging is one to which any food shopper can relate. We go to the supermarket in search of one grocery item, but it’s sold out and we have to improvise, and come home with another.

But the food we gather has not been vetted for edibility like grocery store food. Before you put anything in your mouth, find a trusted reference on the edible plants of your area. Search any piece of land that is legally available and clean of pesticides and other chemical and yellow animal fluids. Success or not, the very act of exploring vacant lots, creekside habitat, random woodlands and other spots will be a reward in itself. Always do your harvesting away from any trail, and don’t ever wipe out a location, so the patch can recover. And if you are lucky enough to have a back yard, explore every square inch.

Expect bitterness, the flavor of both medicine and poison, in every bite. But if you’ve done your research properly, the bitterness should all be medicinal. Or at the very least, nutritional; wild plants tend to be more nutrient-

dense than their domestic counterparts.

The easiest way to enjoy these plants might be in a sauté pan, a handful of spring greens at a time, with salt, onions and olive oil. If you have a decent blender, this pesto recipe is thick with flavor, fat and chlorophyll. Toss it onto hot noodles. Scramble it into eggs or migas. Or just eat it off the spoon; it packs whole body power, like a vegetarian blender pemmican.

I like to think that if I had served Mr. Prine a plate of noodles tossed in this harsh, bitter, utterly captivating paste, he’d have taken a bite or two. For research purposes.

Pesto is one of the tastier ways to consume any green plant, especially those with strong flavors. It can incorporate essentially anything green, though some leaves, and combinations of leaves, will taste better than others. It will pretty much always taste good. If not good enough, add more nuts, garlic, oil and cheese.

Our pesto will be a base of dandelion, since they are literally everywhere. In today’s version I add nettles, as they are prolific right now where I live, and make a thick, aromatic pesto. But you could substitute any number of wild greens or weeds, like lambsquarter, watercress or chickweed, or a mixture of whatever you think will go well together. If these flavors are too strong, you could also substitute parsley or basil in place of some of the wild stuff.

Weed Pesto 8 Servings 2 tablespoons chopped garlic 1 teaspoon salt 1 cup olive oil ½ cup almonds (or pine nuts) ½ cup grated parmesan or romano cheese Zest of a lemon, and 2 tablespoons of juice 4 cups chopped dandelion greens, loosely packed, spotlessly clean 5 three-inch nettle tips (or other greens) Add the garlic, salt, oil, almonds, cheese, lemon juice and zest to a blender and turn into a thin, homogenous (and delicious) solution. Carefully add the greens to the pesto, a few at a time, until they, too, are part of the smooth, green paste.

Serve your weed pesto tossed on piping hot noodles, which will cook the garlic just a tad. I like to stir in some sauteed greens too, for an extra reminder of why we are here. Refrigerate leftovers. n

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10 n May 7, 2020

telegraph

AskRachel Interesting fact: If you haven’t looked into the Folgers incest ad debacle … go for it.

Dear Rachel, You never believe it till it happens to you. I’ve discovered that people I thought were my friends are actually conspiracy theorists who think that doctors are fear-mongering the pandemic so they can also profit off the vaccine. I love a good alien conspiracy theory as much as anyone. But to think the health-care industry (non-insurance company division) is secretly out to get us, when there are plenty of evil corporations blatantly out to get us, just baffles me. How can I weed these people from my life?

– Loose Wingnuts Dear Unsecured Hardware, We’re all entitled one crazy-ass theory. My own mother, who is otherwise up to date on her shots, has already told me she won’t be getting the COVID vaccine.

My sister believes the Bible is a literal recording of the word of God. My dad still talks every summer about how the Cardinals got screwed out of some World Series or another. One such thought is endearing. Let those people slide. But if they’re also prattling about chemtrails, just get it over with and rip off the Band-aid (or the Kool-aid, as the case may be).

– It’s in the water, Rachel Dear Rachel, I have a roommate who is pretty oblivious. He drinks the coffee that my partner and I buy. He buys the bottom-tier stuff that tastes like mud,

but it sits untouched in the pantry. I have told him twice now, “If you don’t buy the coffee, you don’t drink the coffee!” He backs off for about a week usually, then he seems to forget and slinks over to the pot for a cup. If he contributed, then it would be a non-issue. We don’t even get the really fancy stuff! How do I get it through his thick skull?

– Grounds for eviction Dear Free Refills, Oh, this one is so easy, and yet so fun. You brew a pot of your richest coffee. Let that waft all through the house.

Pour the whole thing into your large camping thermos, and fill the coffee pot with thick compost tea taken straight from the bin. (You live here, so you DO have compost, right?) Cradle your mug, and enjoy the show.

– The best part of waking up, Rachel Dear Rachel, I took my dog to a chiropractor for some shoulder pain. Seems legit, right? And my dog did seem to feel better. But the chiro seriously spent all of three minutes with her hands on my dog. Boom-boom here, boom-boom there, that’ll be $75 please. Now I believe in science, but this seems awfully close to woo-woo laying-on-ofhands or else simply extortion. I want to think the best of people, but tell me Rachel, am I getting taken to the cleaners?

– Doggie Style Dear Canine Fashion, I just realized that you could call chiropractors “crack dealers” and it’s perfectly fitting. I’m far more amused by

Email Rachel at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com that than by your letter. Nevertheless, let’s give it a go: if she has the certificate on the wall, she’s legit. You can’t get a certificate without extensive certified training. But I will say this. If you have no other crackpot theories, then you are free to assume that doggie DCs are selling you sugar and calling it coke. But if you’ve hit your quota, you must shut up and accept it.

– Crackin’ down, Rachel

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May 7, 2020 n 11

QuarantineActivityPage

Safer-at-Home ’Dos: Part Deux Good news! With stay-at-home orders being lifted, folks will be able to visit their friendly neighborhood salon starting Fri., May 8. The bad news: you probably won’t be able to get an appointment until 2021. In the meantime, we bring you the Telegraph’s highly popular answer to the man blessed with too much salad: Safer-at-Home ’Dos, Part II. Match the man with the do, and then “do” visit your barber to be the first at the neighborhood howl to sport the latest in follicular fashion.

1. The Creepy Uncle – There’s no telling where those polarized Foster Grants are looking now. Best to keep an eye on this one 2. Mudflaps – A great way to disguise those Howdy Doodys that have plagued you since the first grade. Or better yet, keep ’em wondering 3. The TransAm – Fresh off a cruise to the reservoir, this one has the wind-tousled look that comes only from a T-roof and eight-track of Molly Hatchet’s Greatest Hits 4. Crimson & Clover – This one screams “hold me” and is as equally at home at renaissance fairs as LORPing conventions 5. The Wall Flower – Always the one to stand in the corner looking troubled, this introverted style is an irresistible draw 6. Cro-Magnon – Under this sleek exterior is pure, unbridled manliness waiting to be unleashed

Help Durango Dude’s hedgehog through the maze This week’s activity: With more time at home, Durango Dude decided to get a pet. Unfortunately, his landlord won’t let him get a dog, so instead he got a hedgehog, which is easily concealable during unannounced landlord visits. Please help Durango Dude get his hedgehog through the maze so it can get more likes on the “American Ninja Hedgehog Warrior” Facebook page. (For entertainment purposes only. Please do not try this with a real hedgehog or any other domesticated rodent-type animal. And especially don’t try this in California, where pet hedgehogs are illegal.)

12 n May 7, 2020

telegraph

Congratulations to the extremely talented and visionary Sandra Butler, this week’s winner of the Telegraph coloring contest. “Again, all Durango Dude needs for prom is right in the Telegraph!” Butler wrote. All we know is, Durango Dude looks like he had way more fun at his prom than we did. Wait – did we even go to the prom? Lowfives for Sandra (sorry, we’re out of work-fridge beers.)

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May 7, 2020 n 13

FreeWillAstrology

by Rob Brezsny ARIES (March 21-April 19): According to Aries author and mythologist Joseph Campbell, “The quest for fire occurred not because anyone knew what the practical uses for fire would be, but because it was fascinating.”

He was referring to our early human ancestors, and how they stumbled upon a valuable addition to their culture because they were curious about a powerful phenomenon, not because they knew it would ultimately be so valuable. I invite you to be guided by a similar principle in the coming weeks, Aries. Unforeseen benefits may emerge during your investigation into flows and bursts that captivate your imagination.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): “The future belongs to those who see possibilities before they become obvious,” businessperson and entrepreneur John Sculley says. You Tauruses aren’t renowned for such foresight. It’s more likely to belong to Aries and Sagittarius people. Your tribe is more likely to specialize in doing the good work that turns others’ bright visions into practical realities. But this Year of the Coronavirus could be an exception to the general rule. In the past three months as well as in the next six months, many of you Bulls have been and will continue to be catching glimpses of interesting possibilities before they become obvious. Give yourself credit for this knack. Be alert for what it reveals.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): For 148 uninterrupted years, American militias and the American army waged a series of wars against the native peoples who lived on the continent before Europeans came. There were more than 70 conflicts that lasted from 1776 until 1924.

If there is any long-term struggle or strife that even mildly resembles that situation in your own personal life, our Global Healing Crisis is a favorable time to call a truce and cultivate peace. Start now! It’s a ripe and propitious time to end hostilities that have gone on too long.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Novelist Marcel Proust was a sensitive, dreamy, emotional, self-protective, creative Cancerian. That may explain why he wasn’t a good soldier. During his service in the French army, he was ranked 73rd in a squad of 74. On the other hand, his majestically intricate sevenvolume novel In Search of Lost Time is a masterpiece – one of the 20th century’s most influential literary works. In evaluating his success as a human being, should we emphasize his poor military performance and downplay his literary output? Of course not! Likewise, Cancerian, in the coming weeks I’d like to see

14 n May 7, 2020

you devote vigorous energy to appreciating what you do best and no energy at all to worrying about your inadequacies.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): “Fortune resists half-hearted prayers,” the poet Ovid wrote more than 2,000 years ago. I will add that Fortune also resists poorly formulated intentions, feeble vows and sketchy plans – especially now, during a historical turning point when the world is undergoing massive transformations. Luckily, I don’t see those lapses being problems for you in the coming weeks, Leo. According to my analysis, you’re primed to be clear and precise. Your willpower should be working with lucid grace. You’ll have an enhanced ability to assess your assets and make smart plans for how to use them.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Last year, the Baltimore Museum of Art announced it would acquire works exclusively from women artists in 2020. A male art critic complained, “That’s unfair to male artists.” Here’s my reply: Among major permanent art collections in the U.S. and Europe, the work of women makes up five percent of the total. So what the Baltimore Museum did is a righteous attempt to rectify the existing excess. It’s a just and fair way to address an unhealthy imbalance. In accordance with current omens and necessities, Virgo, I encourage you to perform a comparable correction in your personal sphere.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): In the course of my life, I’ve met many sharp thinkers with advanced degrees from fine universities – who are nonetheless stunted in their emotional intelligence. They may quote Shakespeare and discourse on quantum physics and explain the difference between the philosophies of Kant and Hegel, and yet have less skill in understanding the inner workings of human beings or in creating vibrant intimate relationships. Yet most of these folks are not extreme outliers. I’ve found that virtually all of us are smarter in our heads than we are in our hearts. The good news, Libra, is that our current Global Healing Crisis is an excellent time for you to play catch up. Do what poet Lawrence Ferlinghetti suggests: “Make your mind learn its way around the heart.”

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Aphorist Aaron Haspel writes, “The less you are contradicted, the stupider you become. The more powerful you become, the less you are contradicted.” Let’s discuss how this counsel might be useful to you in the coming weeks. First of all, I suspect you will be countered and challenged more than usual, which will offer you rich opportunities to become smarter. Secondly, I believe you will become more powerful as long as you don’t try to stop or discourage

telegraph

the influences that contradict you. In other words, you’ll grow your personal authority and influence to the degree that you welcome opinions and perspectives that are not identical to yours.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22Dec. 21): “It’s always too early to quit,” author Norman Vincent Peale wrote. We should put his words into perspective, though. He preached “the power of positive thinking.” He was relentless in his insistence that we can & should transcend discouragement & disappointment. So we should consider the possibility that he was overly enthusiastic in his implication that we should NEVER give up. What do you think, Sagittarius? I’m guessing this will be an important question for you to consider in the coming weeks. It may be time to reevaluate your previous thoughts on the matter and come up with a fresh perspective. For example, maybe it’s right to give up on one project if it enables you to persevere in another.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The 16-century mystic nun Saint Teresa of Avila was renowned for being overcome with rapture during her spiritual devotions. At times she experienced such profound bliss through her union with God that she levitated off the ground. “Any real ecstasy is a sign you are moving in the right direction,” she wrote.

I hope that you will be periodically moving in that direction yourself during the coming weeks, Capricorn. Although it may seem odd advice to receive during our Global Healing Crisis, I really believe you should make appointments with euphoria, delight and enchantment.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Grammy-winning musician and composer Pharrell Williams has expertise in the creative process. “If someone asks me what inspires me,” he testifies, “I always say, ‘That which is missing.’” According to my understanding of the astrological omens, you would benefit from making that your motto in the coming weeks. Our Global Healing Crisis is a favorable time to discover what’s absent or empty or blank about your life, and then learn all you can from exploring it. I think you’ll be glad to be shown what you didn’t consciously realize was lost, omitted or lacking.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): “I am doing my best to not become a museum of myself,” poet Natalie Diaz declares. I think she means that she wants to avoid defining herself entirely by her past. She is exploring tricks that will help her keep from relying so much on her old accomplishments that she neglects to keep growing. Her goal is to be free of her history, not to be weighed down and limited by it. These would be worthy goals for you to work on in the coming weeks, Pisces.

classifieds

Deadline for Telegraph classified ads is Tuesday at noon.

Ads are a bargain at 10 cents a character with a $5 minimum. Prepayment is required via cash, card or check.

Ads can be submitted via: n www.duranogtelegraph.com nclassifieds@duranogtele graph.com Announcements

Need a Medical Marijuana Card?

Durango’s Family Health Care, a total family medical care office, is now offering medical marijuana cards to those that qualify. Walk-in OK, no appointment needed. $100 fee. We are at 29423 HWY 160. More info at Durangofhc.com Himalayan Kitchen 992 Main Ave., 970-259-0956, www.himkitchen.com. Bringing you a taste of Nepal, Tibet & India. Try our allyou-can-eat lunch buffet. The dinner menu offers a variety of tempting choices, including yak, lamb, chicken, beef & seafood; extensive veggies; freshly baked bread. Full bar. Get your lunch punch card – 10th lunch free. Hours: 11 a.m. - 8 p.m. Tues. - Sun., closed Mon. The Perfect Gift for your favorite dirtbag. Literature from Durango’s own Benighted Publications. The Desert, The Climbing Zine, The Great American Dirtbags, American Climber, Climbing Out of Bed and Graduating From College Me are available at: Maria’s Bookshop, Pine Needle Mountaineering, the Sky Store, or on the interweb at www.climbingzine.com.

Wanted Cash for Vehicles, Copper, Alum, Etc. at RJ Metal Recycle. Also free appliance and other metal drop off. 970-259-3494.

Services Bookkeeping Services 1099s, bank & credit card reconciliations, payroll, sales tax, HR, sales & marketing, problem solving & support.

505-508-9133 cowaterfalls39@gmail.com Landscape/fencing construction Custom fencing, garden beds, trellis, pergolas, gates, decks and more. Repairs and maintenance on all outdoor structures. Outbuildings, reclaimed wood and metal siding. 970-799-4503 RSE Handyman Services Home maintenance & repair, yard work, odd jobs, mechanical repairs 970903-0449

Lowest Prices on Storage!

Inside/outside storage near Durango and Bayfield. 10-x-20, $130. Outside spots: $65, with discounts available. RJ Mini Storage. 970-259-3494 Harmony Organizing and Cleaning Services Home and office 970-403-6192

ForRent Affordable Housing Homes for sale, less than $20K. Homes for rent, less than $800/mo. Mobile home sites, $285/mo + W/S. Clean, safe, family friendly community in Aztec, NM. Only 45 min from Durango. 505-334-7100 sunsetvillagemhc.com. We can help you move your home!

HaikuMovieReview ‘Bad Education’ True story of an epic liar who stole so much cash from a school – Lainie Maxson

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Marketing Small and Local Businesses Media, social media, website content, SEO, etc. for small, local, independent or startup businesses. Email jnderge@ gmail.com Advanced Duct Cleaning Air duct cleaning specializing in dryer vents. Improves indoor air quality; reduces dust and allergens, energy bills and fire risk. 970-247-2462 www.advanced ductcleaninginc.com

ForSale Reruns Home Furnishings New arrivals: plant stands, bistros, side tables, cool stained-glass peacock lamp, foo dog statues, awesome rugs, glassware and linens. Cool vintage dishes – Pyrex & Fiestaware. 572 E. 6th Ave. by appointment: 385-7336.

RealEstate Radon Services Free radon testing and consultation.

Call Colorado Radon Abatement and Detection for details. 970- 946-1618.

RoommateWanted Housemate wanted Male to share great in-town home with other guys. Clean, quiet, responsible. No smokers, pets, partiers, drugs. $550/mo. incld. utils., dep. 970-7590551.

telegraph

A tulip May 7, 2020 n 15

GET AHEAD

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