AskRachel Tough crowd, a hard sell & animal oddities

Interesting fact: Knitted socks originate in about the 1200s. One must presume, therefore, that the first unbearable sock puppet performances were foisted on parents in about the 1200s as well.

Dear Rachel,

My kid has started putting on sock puppet performances in the living room. So that’s my new circle of hell. The plays are actually fine, but my kid cannot sync up the sock’s talking motion with the words coming out of its mouth to save his life. It pulls me right out of the story every time because, dammit Junior, it’s obvious that Sock Griswold is not actually talking to me. Are there, like, sock puppetry classes he can take? Do drama programs cover this? What other options do I have?

– Socker Mom

Dear Mrs. Statler and Waldorf, You have no choice but to heckle. Heckle long, heckle loud. Be merciless. Every time that sock clams up when the character is talking, throw rotten bananas at it. Every time its mouth flaps around like a last-gasp fish, jeer at it with the nastiest, snidest commentary you can think of. Something like, “You’ve GOT to be kidding me.” Yeah, that’s a good one. You must shame your kid into improving, or else giving up the arts altogether to become a tax auditor.

– You sock, Rachel

Durango City Council Candidate Forum, 11:30 a.m., DoubleTree Hotel, 501 Camino del Rio. Hosted by Durango Chamber of Commerce.

Great Decisions Discussion: “War Crimes,” 11:30 a.m., Durango Public Library.

Community Yoga, 4:30-5:30 p.m., Yoga Durango, 1485 Florida Rd. Donations accepted.

“Celebrating Women Who Tell Our Stories,” open house, 5-6 p.m., Durango Public Library. Exhibit runs thru March 31.

Bluegrass Jam, 5:30 p.m., Union Social House, 3062 Main Ave.

Rob Webster plays, 6 p.m., Durango Hot Springs.

Live music, 6-9 p.m., The Office & Diamond Belle, 699 Main Ave.

Open Mic Night, 7 p.m., Starlight Lounge, 937 Main Ave.

Merely Players present “The Lifespan of a Fact,” 7 p.m., Merely Underground, 789 Tech Center Dr.

Dear Rachel,

Now that grumpy old men are restricting women’s right to choose, I see that a movement is going on to outlaw Viagra and Roman for old guys who say they need it. “Show me the proof,” the doc would say. This is for the grumpy old man who needs it. I guess they might think about this a long hard time if enacted. Your thoughts on this movement as a woman. So sad the old grumps make the laws for women’s rights.

– Dick Peckler

Dear Peck of Pickles, I’m a little worried about how patients would show the proof. But I’m not a doctor, so I guess I wouldn’t have to worry about that. I’m actually all for banning Viagra for patients altogether. It should only be spouses and other life partners who get to request the prescription. And on THEIR terms. Like, they’re game to go once a month? Bam! One month Rx, one pill, refillable upon request.

– Lucky stiffs, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

We’re totally used to seeing bears, right? Like, right there in the road, out my back window in the alley, etc. Is this how people in other places feel about their big animals? Like, do elephants rifle through the trash,

Wednesday15

Durango Bach Festival, thru March 18, St. Mark’s Episcopal Church, 910 E. 3rd Ave. durangobachfestival.com and people in Thailand are like, no big deal? Or is this just a weird phenomenon with us bear people?

Durango City Council Candidate Forum, 5 p.m., FLC’s Center for Innovation, 835 Main Ave., Suite 225. Hosted by League of Women Voters.

River Permit Cancelation Party, 5 p.m., 4Corners Riversports, 360 S. Camino del Rio.

City of Durango Sustainability Forum, 6:30-7:30 p.m., Durango Rec Center, 2700 Main Ave.

Live music, 6-9 p.m., The Office & Diamond Belle, 699 Main Ave.

The True Heart Troubadours play, featuring Tim O’Brien, Mary Gauthier, Jaimee Harris and Jan Fabricius, 7 p.m., FLC’s Community Concert Hall.

Geeks Who Drink Trivia, 8 p.m., The Roost, 128 E. College Dr.

Karaoke Roulette, 8 p.m., Starlight Lounge, 937 Main Ave.

– Bearly Legal

Dear Oso Common, Being, myself, a bear person, I can’t really speak to what it’s like living with giraffes or dire wolves or mastodons or anything. But I don’t see why they wouldn’t also wander into roads and alleys. It’s not like humans own their cities like they think they do. But for all the bear deterrent practices implemented around here, have we ever tried heckling them into giving up on their trash-can dreams?

– Grrr, Rachel

Ongoing

Whimsical Wonderland Gallery, 12 noon-6 p.m., Tues. thru Sat., Durango Arts Center, 802 E. 2nd Ave.

“Tyrannosaurus – Meet the Family,” Farmington Museum, 3041 E. Main St. Exhibit runs thru April 26.

The Hive Indoor Skate Park, open skate and skate lessons. www.thehivedgo.org

Upcoming

Float Like a Buffalo, Apollo Suns and The Buzz play, March 16, 7 p.m., Animas City Theatre.

Merely Players present “The Lifespan of a Fact,” March 16-18 at 7 p.m. and March 19 at 2 p.m. Merely Underground, 789 Tech Center Dr.

St. Patrick’s Day/Spring Break Festival, March 1719, American Legion, 878 E. 2nd Ave. Full lineup of events at durangoamericanlegion.org

Christopher Williams plays, March 20, 7:30 p.m., Smiley Café, 1309 E. 3rd Ave.